Parenting is a roller coaster of emotions, that’s for sure. One minute, you’re pulling your hair out, trying to get your kids out the door, and the next, you’re cracking up at their hilarious antics. But some parents take this emotional rollercoaster to another level, bursting into tears during a hug, showering their kids with praise for good grades, and then flipping out over a messy room the same day.

Many parents don’t realize that their parenting style makes their kids feel like they’re walking on eggshells. They don’t deliberately choose to be this way; it’s just their natural inclination. Eggshell parenting often stems from their upbringing and unresolved issues, causing them to react emotionally rather than respond thoughtfully.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our “Things To Remember” Poster. This poster can help your child build a positive mindset and boost their self-confidence. You can hang it in your calm corner, classroom or therapy office.

What is eggshell parenting?

Eggshell parenting is when a parent’s unstable moods and outbursts make a child feel constantly on guard to avoid triggering their parent’s emotions. This creates a tense and insecure environment where kids feel like they’re walking on eggshells.

Eggshell parents are unpredictable and have a push-pull attachment style. They can go from being happy and cheerful to explosively angry in a matter of seconds, sometimes even in front of the kids. Moreover, they are conditionally supportive and loving, making children hypervigilant and highly sensitive to criticism and rejection.

The eggshell parenting style can be harmful for deep-feeling kids or neurodivergent kids (for instance, many children with ADHD are highly sensitive to perceived rejection).

Learning to manage your emotions as a parent takes lots of practice, but the rewards are immense.

What kind of parents are more likely to become eggshell parents?

Parents struggling with mental health challenges are more prone to eggshell parenting. Mental health issues like severe anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder can make it hard for parents to manage their emotions, which can affect their kids. Personality disorders like narcissism or borderline traits can also have a similar impact. These health issues can make it challenging for parents to respond calmly to everyday situations and demands, especially when they’re already feeling overwhelmed.

In addition, parents who have been through challenging experiences, are dealing with substance abuse issues, or grew up in households with eggshell parenting are more likely to adopt similar patterns.

Related: 8 Secrets for Surviving When You’re a Highly Sensitive Parent

Eggshell parenting versus occasional angry outbursts

Everyone messes up sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you’re an eggshell parent. The difference lies in the child’s constant exposure to the parent’s volatile emotions. These erratic patterns are the norm in an eggshell parenting environment, not isolated incidents.

How does eggshell parenting affect highly sensitive children and neurodivergent children?

Eggshell parenting may have severe consequences for the emotional well-being of sensitively wired children, neurodivergent or not. Here are some of the key effects:

• Hypervigilance. The constant uncertainty about their parents’ reactions forces deep-feeling kids to be on high alert, constantly scanning the environment for threats. This state of alertness can lead to constant hypervigilance, which, in turn, causes emotional meltdowns or shutdowns.
• Sensitivity to criticism and rejection. Sensitively wired children often struggle with emotional regulation, and due to how their brain is wired, they are extra sensitive to rejection and criticism. That’s why eggshell parenting can have a devastating effect on their self-esteem.
• Suppressed feelings. To avoid triggering their parents’ mood swings, kids may bury their own emotions. Bottling up feelings can hinder their ability to identify, express, and manage their emotions effectively. Ultimately, it can lead to emotional meltdowns or shutdowns.
• Deep-seated insecurity. Unpredictable parents can create a deep sense of insecurity in children, especially highly sensitive and neurodivergent ones, who are extra sensitive to rejection. They may question their self-worth and doubt their ability to please their parents, leading to low self-esteem and a fragile emotional foundation.
• Lack of independence. Eggshell parenting often involves excessive control, hindering kids’ development of independence and self-reliance. The constant need to appease their parents can prevent them from taking initiative, solving problems, and making decisions for themselves.
• Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Kids who grow up in a home where their parents are emotionally volatile are more likely to develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). This is because they constantly have to deal with the emotional turmoil of their parents. C-PTSD can come with a range of symptoms, such as anger, resentment, and distrust towards others, as kids may fear developing similar unhealthy relationships in their own lives.

How do you break out of eggshell parenting?

If this sounds like your parenting style, or if you recognize these behaviors in your partner, know that you’re not alone. Many of us were raised by eggshell parents and don’t want history to repeat itself. Fortunately, there are several ways to break the cycle:

1. Work on your emotional self-awareness

The first step is to recognize the signs and acknowledge that it’s not healthy. One way to see if you’re an eggshell parent is to ask yourself questions like:

• “Have I ever been told I’m unpredictable or difficult to be around?
• “Do I struggle to maintain a consistent mood or tone of voice when something doesn’t meet my expectations?”
• “When something happens, even relatively minor, do people worry about how you will react?”
• “Do I struggle to maintain a consistent mood or tone of voice with my children?”
• “How often do I lash out in anger or frustration, on average per day?”
• “Have I ever lost or damaged relationships due to my unpredictable or volatile behavior?”
• “Did I feel like I had to tread carefully around my parents, afraid of saying or doing anything that might set them off?”
• “Did I develop low self-esteem or a sense of insecurity, feeling like I was never good enough?”
• “Did I struggle to form healthy relationships with others, afraid of being hurt or rejected? “
• “Did I develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse or emotional detachment, to deal with the emotional turmoil of my childhood? “
• “Do I still feel the effects of eggshell parenting in my adult life, even if I no longer live with my parents?”

2. Own your mistakes and make repairs

When you’ve acted in a way that has upset or hurt your child, take responsibility for your actions and make repairs. Show them that you understand that you hurt their feelings. You may also want to explain that all emotions are welcome and valid, but not all behaviors are okay.

Here are some specific examples of how to own your mistakes and make repairs with young children:

• After yelling at your child for dropping their toys, acknowledge your outburst and apologize. Explain that you were angry but that it was not okay to raise your voice. Explain how you’ll try to handle the situation differently in the future.
• If you’ve been impatient with your child’s questions or requests, apologize. Explain that you value their questions and want to be patient but that sometimes you get frustrated.

Try to be consistent in your efforts to manage your emotions and make amends with your child. Over time, your child will see that you are doing your best.

3. Practice mindfulness and breathing techniques

Incorporating mindfulness and deep breathing techniques into your daily routine can significantly reduce emotional volatility and help you manage anger effectively. Here are some practical strategies for integrating these practices into your life:

• Start small: Don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to practice for long periods initially. Begin with 5-10 minute sessions, gradually increasing the duration.
• Find a quiet space: Dedicate a specific time and place for your mindfulness or deep breathing practice. This could be a quiet corner in your home, a park bench, or even your car before heading to work.
• Observe your thoughts without judgment: As thoughts arise, simply accept them without getting caught up in them. Treat them as passing clouds in the sky.
• Practice deep breathing exercises: Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose, filling your abdomen. Exhale slowly through your mouth.
• Practice guided meditation: Utilize guided meditation apps or recordings to guide you through mindfulness exercises. These can provide a structured approach and help you stay focused.
• Engage in mindful activities: Incorporate mindfulness into everyday activities like walking, showering, or brushing your teeth. Focus on the sensations and details of the task at hand.
• Recognize your triggers: Identify the situations, people, or emotions that often trigger your emotional reactivity. This awareness can help you anticipate and prepare for potential outbursts.
• Step away when needed: Take a break to disengage from the situation when your emotions escalate. Step away from the person or activity that triggered you and go to a quiet place to calm down.

You can practice mindfulness and deep breathing together with your child as a way to spend quality time together and strengthen your connection. If you’re not sure where to start, have a look at our Deep Breathing Exercises. You can print them as cards and add them to your child’s coping skills toolbox, or you can print them as posters and hang them in your room or calm corner. Have a look:

Another great way to rebuild your connection and also relax your mind is yoga. There are lots of yoga poses out there. You can start by checking out our Kids Yoga Cards or our Kids Yoga Poster:

4. Consider therapy to break out of eggshell parenting

Therapy can help you build self-compassion and let go of the shame that comes with becoming aware of the eggshell behavior.

Therapy, particularly Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), can be highly effective in helping people struggling with intense negative emotions. ‘Dialectical’ means understanding how two opposite things could be true. For example, accepting yourself and changing your behavior might feel contradictory. But DBT teaches that you can achieve both these goals together.

Take-Home Message

Parenting can be a rollercoaster of emotions, and sometimes, we all lose our cool. But it’s important to remember that our kids are watching and soaking up everything we do and say. If you lose your calm too often, it’s your duty to learn healthy coping mechanisms to manage your emotions. Your future self and your child will thank you. With a little effort, we can break the cycle of emotional harm and build stronger, healthier relationships with our kids.

“Ten minutes to go, sweetheart.”

“Just five more minutes, and we leave!”

“You have one more minute.”

Each reminder is a tiny bit more desperate than the last. In fact, you are begging your kiddo to leave without starting to scream and ruin everyone’s mood this time.

These repeated warnings, meanwhile, simply annoy your kid as a constant reminder that their time is slipping.

The countdown increases your anxiety as well. Naturally, you wish for the best, but when you expend all your energy on the heads-up, which doesn’t leave you with much patience for the actual transition. Your child’s frustration starts to surface, and you feel like your transition tactic failed, like you failed.

Then, you snap.

And your child screams. Or they get grumpy, defiant, and annoyingly inflexible for the rest of the day.j

Then, you say to yourself, “This was supposed to be a fun weekend. How can other people have fun with their kids, and I can’t? What am I doing wrong?”

Does that sound familiar?

It’s pretty standard.

You’re not alone in this.

Many parents of deeply feeling children struggle with transitions.

Before we continue, we thought you might like to try our “Things To Remember” Poster. This poster helps build our children’s resilience and positive outlook. You can print it and hang it in your kids’ calm corner, classroom or school counselor office. Check it out!

Transitions happen throughout the day. Common transitions for children include getting ready to leave the house, packing away toys before bedtime, moving from the classroom to the playground, going from home to school, or from jumping up and down on the trampoline to sitting at the table in a restaurant.

For sensitive children, transitions may be challenging and result in anxiety, frustration, and tricky behaviors. You see, going from one activity to another requires us to go from calm to alert (for instance, when arriving at a birthday party or school) or from alert to calm (playing in the park and then having to sit in the car). However, switching gears is not easy when you’re not spontaneous.

Signs your deeply feeling child has trouble with transitions

Every child reacts differently when struggling with transitioning. You may see these reactions days ahead of a big triggering event. For example, the school doesn’t start for another week, but your sensitive child has already started worrying about it. So, your sensitive child might become grumpier and meltdown over the most trivial things as the school year approaches.

So, how do you know a transition upsets your child? Look for these signs:

• Whining, cussing, sassiness, and an overall negative mindset
• Melting down often, screaming and crying
• Anxiety, including physical reactions like tummy aches and bathroom accidents
• Avoiding the topic (for instance, a preschooler who avoids talking about new friends at school)
• Defiance, breaking the rules your child can usually follow, and stubborn refusals
• Trouble getting back on track after an unpleasant event or a difficult assignment.

Why your deeply feeling child has difficulty with transitions

We all struggle with transitions, more or less. Imagine being interrupted when you hyperfocus on writing an important email. Isn’t it annoying? That is how it is for a child when they have to stop mid-play at the park. Or let’s say you dread Mondays or getting up early after the holidays. Your child feels like that, too, when school starts.

But why does a deeply feeling child sometimes get stuck in transition problems? Here are the leading causes:

1. Lack of control makes them feel frustrated

When you say, “It’s time to leave the park” to your slow-to-warm-up kiddo who is finally having fun, they are likely to start whining or get defiant. These are reactions to what they perceive lack of control. They have to switch from doing something they want to something that another person (the parent) wants, which is frustrating for everyone. Plus, sensitive kids usually have a low threshold for frustration tolerance.

It’s completely normal for children to feel frustrated, but when it happens frequently or intensely, it might be a sign of underlying anxiety. Anxiety can make it harder to cope with challenges, leading to bigger emotional reactions. It’s like trying to climb a hill when you’re already out of breath. If you feel that your child may be anxious, try “The Anxiety Iceberg” Poster. Print it and hang in in your child’s room, classroom or therapy office. It’s a great conversation starter if you want to talk about big feelings. Check it out!

2. Frequent transitions throughout the day

Think about how many changes (which are out of their control) your child has to go throughout the day: from sleep to being awake in the morning, from pajamas to school clothes, from home to sitting quietly in the car seat, then from getting used to sitting quietly in the car to going in a loud classroom, getting from one school activity to another, and then coming back from school at home. This constant gear switching from calm to alert can cause big emotions. Sensitive people are more affected by their environments, so frequent transitions can be too much for a sensitive child.

Too many daily transitions can lead to cumulated frustration showing up as whining, defiance, or bottling up emotions. In addition, the constant effort of hiding negative feelings and behaving well throughout the day can lead to meltdowns in the evening.

Related: 10 Smart Ways to Help Your Sensitive Child Succeed in School

3. Fear of the unknown

A deeply feeling child is usually more cautious and dislikes the uncertainty of a sudden change in plans. Unfamiliar situations usually cause anxiety to young kids because they still make sense of the world.

In addition, some children may have a more reactive amygdala (the amygdala is the part of the brain responsible for our fight or flight stress response), making them more stressed than others when they don’t know what to expect.

Moreover, a sensitive child notices and reacts to minor details others don’t see. So, they worry excessively about what might happen in an unexpected situation. They like to think carefully, but surprise transitions don’t allow that.

Should they also struggle with self-esteem, they’ll worry about what others think about them if they make mistakes. Add perfectionism into the mix, and your sensitive child will definitely go into fight or flight mode.

If you have a child that struggles with anxious feelings, then our “Anxiety Bundle For Children” might be for you. It’s full of practical coping tools, engaging posters and easy-to-follow handouts that you can print and use to find what what’s causing your child’s big feelings. Check it out:

4. Trouble communicating

Suppose your child has trouble communicating because of lagging social skills or low frustration tolerance, for instance. In that case, they might a) express their frustration and fear of the unknown or b) seek your help using inappropriate behavior. That doesn’t mean your child misbehaves for attention because kids don’t choose to do so when they are overwhelmed. Instead, it means that they need extra guidance and reassurance.

5. Executive function challenges

If your child struggles with executive function challenges, transitions can be overwhelming.

That is because they involve switching focus, planning skills, problem-solving (particularly if the transition is unexpected), and time management skills (for instance, if you have to leave for school earlier, your child might get overwhelmed by the fact that they have to prepare in a shorter amount of time).

Executive functioning challenges are common in kids with an ADHD diagnosis.

Related: I’m the mother of an HSP girl with ADHD. Her diagnosis allows her to thrive.

6. Being inflexible yourself doesn’t help

Sometimes parents have difficulties of their own, like a demanding job or marital issues, making it difficult to be understanding with a child that constantly struggles with daily transitions. However, your reactions are crucial. You don’t have to be perfect, but you need to be there for your child regardless of their behavior.

Also, think about whether your child’s problems with transitions trigger painful childhood memories on your part. For example, picking your child up from school can add to your stress and make you less ready to accept your kid’s problems if you struggled in school as a child.

Related: How to Apologize to Your Highly Sensitive Child When You Say Things in Anger

Sometimes, your deeply feeling child may need to vent…

Daily transitions are usually a struggle for sensitive kids. And it’s emotionally healthy for your child to voice their negative feelings about transitions, even if it’s difficult for you to hear them. When your kid shows their feelings, they release negative energy that would otherwise keep them grumpy for the rest of the day.

Transitions often result in meltdowns because your child seeks a safe outlet for their disappointments and fears. Even though there’s never a suitable time for your child to act out, paying attention to their complaints is essential. By doing so, you can show the warmth and respect your kid needs to feel validated and move on.

However, you don’t need to adjust your child’s expectations just because your child is struggling. Again, what will help is extra affection, validation, and reassurance.

Your child’s complaints can give insight into what goes on in their mind. For example, kids who struggle with transitions sometimes say things in anger (“That’s not fair. You always want to leave when I have fun”).

But when your child continues to complain frequently (“I hate going to school. I want to stay at home with you”), then it might be something less fleeting. In this case, try to actively listen to what your child says. Even if you can’t provide a solution to their problem, your reassurances show your child the fact that you care. Your loving words will eventually reach their heart. You’ve got this!

Most kids are easygoing. They are keen to discover new places, curious about new people, and eager to try new activities. They are brave but not daredevils, and you can easily calm them when unhappy. They bounce back quickly from disappointments and failures.

Other kids are more reserved and hesitant in new situations and with strangers. They are slow to warm up and easily distressed by unpredictable events. They take longer to recover when upset. These children are “highly sensitive,” according to Elaine Aron.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.

Another scientist, Jerome Kagan, referred to this trait as “behavioral inhibition.”

Inhibited children, according to Kagan, have an extremely active fear system and frequently form a dislike, which they remember for years after just a single unpleasant event.

For example, jumping on the trampoline for the first time and feeling sick can make them avoid jumping high in the future. Or that single time they got water in their eyes can make them scream whenever you wash their hair or at every swim class.

What makes a sensitive child anxious?

As your cautious and sensitive child gets older, they may avoid activities that seem complex, threatening, or physically demanding.

For example, your child is likely to steer clear of situations that:

• Are unfamiliar (and so unpredictable and perhaps scary), such as starting preschool and attending camp
• Require a lot of physical effort because physical activities can create unpleasant sensations in the body (like increased heart rate and muscle pain)
• Make your child feel physically insecure, perhaps as a result of a poor sense of balance (climbing trees, roundabouts)
• Busy and noisy settings because sensitive children struggle to block out irrelevant information
• Involve strangers, acquaintances, and family they see only on special occasions. Sensitive children are often withdrawn and refuse to talk to people they don’t know well.
• Reluctant to join in games with new children. They prefer to observe from a safe spot (like a playground bench or a tree).

According to research, some children with high Behavioral Inhibition are at risk of anxiety.

Fortunately, there is a lot you can do to prevent anxiety from creeping into your child’s life.

The first step is to know if you are inadvertently doing something wrong.

You will always know your child best, and it’s essential to trust your instinct.

But sometimes, the most loving and committed parents make mistakes because they apply tactics that are very effective in the short term and detrimental in the long run.

4 Little-Known Mistakes That Feed Your Sensitive Child’s Anxiety

1. Sticking to a routine obsessively

If you are the parent or tutor of a sensitive child, you have probably learned that routine is your best friend. Routine helps you have quiet in the house, avoid meltdowns, and set clear expectations for kids.

But while routine has advantages, getting out of the comfort zone is equally important.

A rigid routine can be damaging as your child gets used to not challenging themselves. So they won’t learn how to manage their fear.

Kids with more flexible schedules will be out there trying new things every day, while your kid will lag behind. This is especially true for physical activity and social interaction. In school, an overly cautious kid will initially expect to manage as their peers and get frustrated when they see that’s impossible.

Solution: Offer a broad range of experiences

Children who are encouraged to explore, take chances, and face challenges learn to cope better and control their tendency to withdraw.

The more diverse the experiences, the less likely your child is to face unfamiliar circumstances.

It’s best to start small: help your toddler to climb the ladder of a high slide and cheer them when they slide down, encourage them to climb onto the sofa alone, and play roughhousing together. By doing these things, your kid gets used to dealing with activities that they perceive as risky. They also get used to the mix of fear of excitement that comes with a physical challenge especially.

Moreover, let your child get their hands dirty, smear broccoli puree on their face, and eat with their fingers, so they will enjoy playing messy games in preschool.

Later on, when your child is older, take them on road trips, play dates, birthday parties, and send them to camp. Encourage physical activity and contact sports because they can boost confidence immensely. Playing sports also gets kids used to the mix of fear and excitement.

Maybe your kid will get overwhelmed easily. But their tolerance will improve with every new challenge.

Related: 10 Surefire Parenting Tactics to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Thrive

2. Supporting your sensitive child’s risk avoidance

Avoidance takes many faces: sometimes it’s obvious (your kid refuses to do something that makes them uncomfortable), and other times it’s more subtle (like when your kid takes ages to finish homework for fear of making mistakes).

It may also be helpful to think about whether you, as a parent, have supported your child’s avoidance. It’s understandable if you did. Parents often support avoidance for various reasons: they want to protect their children from destructive emotions, a lack of options, or simply exhaustion.

However, avoidance works only in the short term. In the long run, it feeds your sensitive child’s anxiety.

Let’s take an example.

Your sensitive child doesn’t like going to Disneyland because of the noise and crowds. So, you might 1) not go until they are older, secretly hoping they will grow out of it, 2) leave them home with grandma, or 3) take them with you and prepare for a meltdown.

The third option is challenging, yet it is an opportunity for your child to learn how to manage sensory and emotional sensitivities. For instance, a trip to Disneyland can show you that your kid can enjoy themselves if they have noise-canceling headphones and that haunted houses are not so scary if they hold hands with you.

The secret lies in managing anxiety, not avoiding situations that lead to it.

Related: 3 Crucial Rules To Help Your Child With Big Emotions

Let’s see another example: if your child doesn’t like going to the playground because it’s awkward for them to engage with new kids, it is easier for you to find other activities that your kid enjoys. Or your kid might even suggest other activities themselves (“Let’s go to the mall!” or “Let’s play soccer!”). But the truth is that you’re your kid will become more socially inhibited if they keep avoiding new kids.

Risk avoidance is not a form of manipulation. Instead, your child’s brain sends a warning message that makes them act cautiously. Whether you think your kid’s reaction is unreasonable is irrelevant because their anxiety won’t go away unless they learn that:

 1) a warning message from the brain does not mean that danger will 100% materialize;

2) they can be resilient and resourceful and find ways to cope with the problem.

Solution: Don’t adjust your family life excessively because of your kid’s sensitivity

As a loving parent, you probably protect your sensitive child by avoiding what overwhelms them, adjusting the environment to their needs, and changing family plans to adjust to your kid’s sensitivities.

But, if you do that too often, your little one won’t discover that they can be brave and resilient and that the world might not be as scary as they imagine it to be.

Avoiding can only teach them that this is the default way to react in challenging situations. The more your child avoids what overwhelms them, the scarier the world becomes, and the more exhausting their behavior will be for everyone in the family.

So, missing traditional family fun because you’re afraid of meltdowns will not help your sensitive child or family in the long run.

Instead, do what you feel that’s best and prepare your sensitive child as best as you can:

• Discuss how it will be (on your road trip, birthday party, family Christmas visit, etc.)
• Talk about how your child can avoid overstimulation (taking short breaks, regular healthy snacks, keeping a good sleep schedule)
• Be prepared to provide short-term relief from stimuli (noise-canceling headphones, breathing exercises, short breaks for fresh air, and calming activities like drawing or listening to music).

Remember that sensitive children (who don’t have a diagnosis) take longer to warm up, but they rise to the challenge.

Related: How to Have a Fun Road Trip with Your HSC

3. Not being neutral about failed attempts

When they fail, cautious children with performance anxiety frequently have negative emotional reactions that may only feel as unpleasant body sensations (like a tummy ache).  

The unpleasant sensation may not be obvious even to the child (especially if they are very young) but will lead to challenging behavior. For instance, a failure can lead to future avoidance or a meltdown in the short term.

Solution 1: React very gently to failures.

A sensitive child can feel so guilty when they fail that they can actually experience failure as a physical sensation. So, it’s best to remain neutral. For example, you can say, “Oops, that did not work. You can try again.”

You might be tempted to praise everything your child does to boost their confidence. But the praise loses its significance and no longer helps if it always happens.

Solution 2: Set clear goals and adapt so that your child feels confident they can do it

Maybe your child wants to avoid a specific activity at all costs, such as learning to swim.

In this case, adapt your expectations and set goals your kid thinks they can achieve. This will make them confident and willing to try (“We’ll go to the pool on Saturday, just you and me, no instructor, and I’ll teach you to put your head in the water, and I’ll hold your hand while you’ll do it“). From there, you can introduce new challenges gradually (“Then, next week, you’ll start swimming lessons. I’ll be with you all the time in the beginning.”)

Related: How to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child With Anxiety

4. Not giving an immediate reward

Yes, you read that right—immediate reward.

According to research, the brain releases dopamine when it expects a reward. That’s why success feels good.

Unfortunately, anxious children tend to miss out on this reward signal and may require additional external compensation to feel good about their achievement.

Solution: Give small and precious rewards.

• Brief verbal feedback. Say “Good job!” or get to your child’s eye level and ask for a high-five.
• A physical reward. It can be trinkets, marbles, pennies, etc. For example, a small coin dropped into a jar allows your child to see and hear his success. 
• Act silly. You can play your antics if you need a more significant incentive. For example, each time your kid does something challenging (like going down a big slide or going to Santa to take their present), you can adopt a funny posture or make a funny face.

You might also take a photo of your child after their success (with the reward if possible). Then, you can show the pictures whenever they feel anxious to remind them that they can do anything they set their mind to.

References

Coll, C. G., Kagan, J., & Reznick, J. S. (1984). Behavioral Inhibition in Young Children. Child Development, 55(3), 1005–1019. https://doi.org/10.2307/1130152

Aron, Elaine, www.hsperson.com

https://news.mit.edu/2018/dopamine-brain-vigilance-anxiety-1107

Emotional kids invest too much in relationships. They absorb others’ feelings like a sponge, and also expect people to read their minds and not cross their boundaries.

Sensitive children are uncomfortable setting boundaries and often end up bottling up emotions. Bottled anger can easily lead to a meltdown at home, where they feel safe.

Why does setting boundaries fill your child with dread?

Before we begin, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.

1. A deeply feeling child is empathetic

A boundary is like a line between the “me” territory and the rest of the world. But when boundaries are blurred, your child has difficulty differentiating between their feelings and what others want. An empathetic child will absorb the energy from the people around them. They feel other people’s discomfort and imagine potential negative reactions. Moreover, sensitive kids are less aggressive and more likely to avoid conflict.

Consequently, their empathy and overthinking make them unable to pronounce “no.”

2. A deeply feeling child feels shame and anxiety

Deeply feeling kids often feel bad about telling how they feel to someone overstepping their boundaries. But when a child feels deep shame and anxiety over saying “no,” self-esteem issues might be at play. Or, it might be learned behavior from home.

In the long term, your kid can become a chronic people pleaser unless you do something about it.

Related: How to Support Your Shy HSC

3. A deeply feeling child lacking a role model

When was the last time you asked yourself, “What do I want?”

Your child might not know how to set limits because they haven’t seen you do it.

Most parents of highly sensitive kids walk on eggshells, afraid of causing an outburst. Between your kid’s frequent meltdowns, taking care of other siblings, your partner’s attitude who thinks you are too “soft,” and relatives’ labeling your sensitive child as “spoiled,” you are bound to ignore your limits trying to please everyone.

Eventually, you will secretly resent those around you, thinking they take advantage of you.

The bad part is that your deeply feeling child will likely copy that behavior. They will learn that what they want is less important than what other, more outspoken persons want. As a result, they might engage in relationships that aren’t based on equal give and take, so they might struggle with friendships. 

Moreover, like you, your sensitive child will keep their emotions to themselves until their cup spills over. 

Related: HSP Parents, Let Go of Toxic Guilt Now

4. Society praises people who put others’ needs first

Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable because our society praises unselfish, self-sacrificing heroes.

We are often taught that putting our needs first means being selfish. Yet, according to the Oxford dictionary, being selfish means “lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.” Focusing on what you need, on your emotional well-being, does not make you selfish.

We put more emphasis on self-control than on setting boundaries (google “self-control” and you get 3.5 billion results, and then google “set boundaries” and you get 2 billion searches). But the two are intertwined: creating clear boundaries ahead of time helps us control our reactions.

For sensitive children, setting and protecting boundaries is crucial to improving their self-regulation skills.

So, how can you help your child have clear boundaries? Here are four “no more” tactics:

1. Model behavior: advocate for you and your child

According to Charles Whitfield, an American physician and childhood trauma specialist, you must learn to see “No” as a complete sentence to feel comfortable about setting limits.

However, saying “no” without overexplaining and apologizing is not that easy. Most people often feel bad for doing something that is not in line with societal expectations. So, you might feel like you somehow disappoint other people. However, try to commit to your decision and stop feeling responsible for other people’s reactions.

Saying “no” might mean taking short breaks when your nervous system is depleted. Your emotional boundaries might trigger meltdowns from your deeply feeling child as they feel rejected. But when you are emotionally drained, it’s time to stop thinking about how your kid and others would respond. You need your self-care break to be the gentle parent you dreamed of.

Your emotional child might not like it, but they will eventually learn that your attitude does not mean you love them less. The key is to:

• set your limit ahead of time (please don’t wait until your kid is close to a meltdown), and
• express your intention calmly (“I need to go for a short walk, Dad will take care of you while I’m gone”).

Here’s another example where saying “no” is good for both you and your emotional child: when people label your kid as “shy”. Instead of simmering and removing yourself from the situation, speak up for your kid.

Related: 10 Surefire Parenting Tactics to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Thrive

By seeing you practicing boundaries, your sensitive child will gradually feel safe to express their feelings when something bothers them and thus avoid a meltdown.

Related: 6 Key Strengths That Make You an Incredible HSP Mom

2. Respect your deeply feeling child’s boundaries

Validating each time your kid sets a limit helps them practice setting boundaries. For example, if your kid says, “I don’t want to kiss Grandpa,” you might say, “Sure, honey. How do you think you could greet him instead?”.

An answer like, “That’s unkind. Grandpa is looking forward to seeing you”, might make your child feel invalidated. It can teach your kid that other people’s wishes are more important.

Of course, we don’t want to raise selfish human beings. We want our kids to be kind. So, learning to say “no” without hurting others’ feelings is a crucial skill that kids need to build.

An excellent way to be kind and yet protect boundaries is to give a brief explanation + propose an alternative that might work for both parties (“Hello, Grandpa. I don’t feel like giving a kiss to someone right now. Would you like a high five instead?”).

3. Encourage positive self-talk

A deeply feeling child often feels ashamed of setting limits even if the other person has clearly overstepped boundaries. The guilt and anxiety might hide low self-esteem problems, so fostering positive self-talk is crucial.

Here are some examples:

• “My feelings matter.”
• “I am kind, and I am brave. I can say “no.”
• “What I want matters.”

4. Teach I-statements

Young children, especially preschoolers, learn better through games and activities than through verbal communication (like the positive affirmations above).

One way to show them how to set boundaries is to include I-statements in your pretend play games:

• “I don’t like it when you…because I worry that…”
• “I’m sad because…”
• “That makes me angry. Please stop doing that.”

References

Burr, W. R. (1990). Beyond I-Statements in Family Communication. Family Relations, 39(3), 266–273. https://doi.org/10.2307/584870

Whitfield, L. Charles, MD. Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, Health Communicatins Inc, 2010. https://books.google.ro/books?id=lYqjAgAAQBAJ&lpg=PP1&ots=YnqFhjkep0&dq=setting%20boundaries%20relationships&lr&pg=PP1#v=onepage&q=setting%20boundaries%20relationships&f=false

I don’t want the same for the kids. I want them to grow up confident, and embrace their sensitive side.

That’s why, as a mother, I try to do everything in my power to help them see that, though they have weaknesses, like everybody else, they are more than their weaknesses.

Every child in this world, deeply feeling or not, shy or bold, quiet or hyperactive, needs to know that they are as good as anybody else.

In this article:

Why does a deeply feeling child struggle with shyness?

1. Genetics can play a role

According to experts, shyness is due to genetics to a large extent, to the way our parents raised us, and life events. So, if you or your partner struggled with shyness as a child, there is a likelihood that your kid is also shy.

2. Big changes cause big feelings

Significant changes in the family dynamics like a divorce, separation, or the death of a parent can also lead to behavioral and emotional problems for children.

For sensitive kids, living in an unstable family context can also be more stressful than for their non-sensitive peers (learn more about the importance of early childhood environment here and in this study).

3. The way we parent is key

While we can’t control genetics and what life brings us, we can learn what parenting tactics to avoid.

Studies show that shy kids often have overprotective parents. Unfortunately, overly careful parents may not encourage children to explore and make mistakes. Instead, they often focus on what might go wrong. Their own anxiety and past experiences can trigger this reaction.

It’s no blaming here. We are doing the best we can, but it’s also important to know how we trigger our children’s worries without meaning to. Remember that deeply feeling children are cautious by nature, and they get scared easily. There’s no need to vividly picture the risks because they already do so in their mind.

Moreover, deep-feeling children are sensitive to criticism and perfectionist. That’s why saying, for instance, “Don’t do that, honey. You have never done that and you might trip over and hurt yourself”, can make them feel like they are clumsy, and that they aren’t good enough. So, they might reply, “You do it mom, you can do it better than me.”

What happens next is that instead of seeing mistakes and new situations as learning opportunities, your child starts to avoid them and to expect your help.

Authoritarian parents can also inhibit deeply feeling children. They may use shaming to get them to listen. Unfortunately, shaming can make shy kids even more shy. Again, there’s no blaming here. Being an authoritarian parent doesn’t make you a bad person. Many of us were raised that way, and it’s hard to unlearn old and unquestioned habits. What matters most is to make repairs.

The authoritarian approach might make children fear thinking outside the box, because they want to please parents and teachers. But that’s exactly one of their sensitive superpowers! Deeply feeling children see things with a unique lens, and that can help them become the leaders of tomorrow.

Sometimes it’s not about shyness

1. Sensory sensitivities might make a deeply feeling child seem shy

Some children seem socially hesitant, but it’s sensory stimulation that they want to avoid, not people. Here are some examples:

• Touch sensitivity: a child with touch sensitivity may avoid crowded places and team projects.
• Noise sensitivity: a kid who is sensitive to loud and unexpected noises may avoid parties and playgrounds.
• Smell sensitivity: children with smell sensitivity can avoid school cafeterias and parties.

The main downside in the above scenarios is that a sensory-sensitive child will have fewer opportunities to practice social skills. Thus, their peers may be more socially confident – an aspect your deeply feeling child surely won’t miss, and which unfortunately, can lower their self-esteem.

Related: Go to the Base of the Emotions Iceberg: Poor Interoception

A deeply feeling child doesn’t like small talk

Deeply feeling children often find it hard to make small talk with unfamiliar people. Moreover, they only make friends with people that they click with. Unfortunately, non-sensitive adults often label them as “shy,” for this reason, which might not be true, in fact.

People mislabel introverts as “shy”

According to Elaine Aron, who first coined the term “highly sensitive person,” about 70% of highly sensitive people are introverts. Unfortunately, introverts are often labeled as “shy,” although this might not be true. Introverts enjoy spending time alone or doing quiet activities. This is how they recharge.

Finding out the leading causes of your child’s shyness can help you choose the right strategies to help them build social skills.

6 Strategies to Help a Deeply Feeling Child with Shyness

1. Don’t fall in the comparison trap. Focus on your child’s strengths instead.

About 1 in 3 people are highly sensitive. That means that your deeply feeling child is different from about 70% of their peers. You may feel by now that they’ll never be social butterflies. For this reason, comparing them with their friends will only make them feel alone and lead to self-esteem issues.

Instead of falling into the comparison trap, it’s best to help them discover what makes them unique. Deeply feeling children are often compassionate, creative, empathetic, extremely curious to learn new things and observant. They might even be gifted.

2. Teach your deeply feeling child to reframe

Deeply feeling children are easily overwhelmed and also do overthinking. This can make them enter a negative thought pattern, which is difficult to control. Having trouble controlling negative thoughts is called “rumination.” Rumination can lead to depression and anxiety later on in life. That’s why teaching your deeply feeling child the power of reframing is essential for them to develop resilience.

We can help sensitive kids reframe their negative thinking by:

• teaching them to become aware of their thoughts
• helping them evaluate the evidence (the facts)
• helping them see the situation from a different angle.

Let’s see an example:

Nine-year-old Lana says she doesn’t like going to parties. Noise makes her nervous, and she probably looks embarrassing because everyone asks her, “Why the face?”

Lana’s thoughts make her self-conscious and shy. However, her thoughts don’t reflect the reality. Feeling nervous about something doesn’t necessarily make you look embarrassing. Lots of Lana’s friends perhaps feel nervous when they arrive, too.

Here’s what Lana’s parents can help her:

• “Instead of feeling embarrassed, let’s focus on the fact that your sensitivity allows you to notice and appreciate things that others might miss. Your face expresses your genuine feelings, and that’s a beautiful part of you.”
• “Remember that everyone has different reactions and preferences. It’s okay if parties aren’t your favorite thing. It’s great that you know what makes you comfortable and, going forward, let’s choose parties and play dates that align with what you like.”
• “I understand that parties can be overwhelming for you. It’s okay to feel nervous about the noise and attention. Remember, you’re not alone in feeling this way.”
• “I want you to know that it’s perfectly okay if you don’t enjoy parties like some other kids might. Your feelings are valid, and I’m here to support you.”
• “Let’s come up with a plan together. If the noise becomes too much, we can find a quiet spot where you can take a break and relax. We can even bring some earplugs or headphones if that helps.”
• “Sweetheart, if someone asks you about your expression, you can simply say you feel more comfortable observing the party instead of running around and dancing.”

3. Teach your deeply feeling child to focus on what happens around them

This strategy is easy for deeply feeling children because analyzing the surroundings carefully is in their nature. This superpower is essential for overcoming shyness.

You see, many children feel shy because they are self-conscious. But once they shift the focus from their inside world to the outside world, it becomes easier to be sociable. One way to shift the focus is with an easy mental grounding exercise, like the 1-2-3 game (one thing that you can see, two things that you can smell and three things that you can touch).

What’s more, an effective antidote for shyness is helping others. For example, if your kid feels nervous at a birthday party, make a plan together about how they can help the host. Likewise, if presenting a school project is tricky, ask the teacher to involve your kid in setting up the materials and helping around the class that day.

Or, if they feel anxious about participating in the new school play, you might suggest to your child to paint the sets for the play if they have an artistic talent. Again, think of your kid showcasing their skills as a great way to overcome shyness.

My feelings are too loud for words and too shy for the world.

Dejan Stojanovic, Serbian poet and writer

4. Encourage your deeply feeling child to join clubs

One of the best ways to help your kid with shyness is to offer them varied experiences and opportunities to build social skills. Meeting other children with similar interests is a great way to make new friends.

Self-defense classes are also great for building confidence.

Deeply feeling children that like to spend time outdoors may enjoy horse riding. Horse riding is great for our mental state and is often a social activity. Riding a horse makes you highly aware of what’s happening around you, because you have to pay attention to the horse’s movements. In addition, the horse’s rhythmic motion also promotes a sense of relaxation. Plus, spending time with animals is a great way to increase serotonin.

5. Help your deeply feeling child be friendly and approachable

Encourage your child to be friendly, approachable, and genuinely interested in getting to know others. Remind them to listen actively, show empathy (deep feeling kids are good at that) and be open to finding common interests. A friendly face, a warm smile, and saying “Hi!” goes a long way.

Our body language can make others come to us and make friends. For example, studies show that a relaxed posture and open arms show confidence. Signs of insecurity include a slouched posture, crossed arms, and fidgeting.

Playing pretend games at home can help your child become more approachable. Or your child might try a few poses alone in front of the mirror to see how their body looks when they engage in a conversation with someone new.

Besides body language, giving sincere compliments is also a great way to start a conversation with other children (“I like how your hair looks today,” “That Spiderman cap looks great. I want one, too”).

6. Celebrate small wins

Perfectionism often prevents deeply feeling children from feeling good about small wins.

Try to teach them to see the glass half full (it helps to focus on the new things we learn when making mistakes, instead of how much more there is to go to achieve our goal). You can help them keep track of progress and celebrate small wins.

It helps to talk about their small wins each day. Try to ask your kiddo open-ended questions like:

• What was the best thing about going to the playdate on Saturday?
• What are the top three things that you liked about that birthday party?
• Today was fun because …?

 References

1. Scrimin, S., Osler, G., Pozzoli, T., & Moscardino, U. (2018). Early adversities, family support, and child well‐being: The moderating role of environmental sensitivity. Child: Care, Health and Development, 44(6), 885–891. https://doi.org/10.1111/cch.12596
2. Li, Zhi & Sturge-Apple, Melissa & Jones-Gordils, Hannah & Davies, Patrick. (2022). Sensory processing sensitivity behavior moderates the association between environmental harshness, unpredictability, and child socioemotional functioning. Development and Psychopathology. 1-14. 10.1017/S0954579421001188.
3. Hastings, Paul & Nuselovici, Jacob & Rubin, Kenneth & Cheah, Charissa. (2010). Shyness, parenting, and parent-child relationships.

If my son was frustrated, he cried. Tired, he screamed. Hungry, he yelled. I tried cajoling, distracting, and begging to stop so that he wouldn’t wake up the baby. But, it wasn’t a short outburst that a popsicle could soothe.

My children’s constant irritability, clinginess, noise, and toys drained me. I dreaded the hours until my husband came from work so that I could hide in the bathroom.

I tried giving my kids the best, but they brought out the worst in me.

But everything changed the day I came across Dt. Elaine Aron’s “The Highly Sensitive Person.”

It felt like home.

At first, the expression “highly sensitive” made me think of someone too self-centered. However, as I read the book, I found myself in it. Was I overwhelmed by constant noise? Check. Too emotional? Check. Did I feel drained after too much social interaction? Totally.

Although I had been coping well with my high sensitivity before I had kids, the demands of parenting had changed my entire life. And now, I needed to find new ways to recalibrate.

Here is what I learned.

1. Getting enough sleep is crucial for a highly sensitive parent

Numerous studies have shown that sleep deprivation makes us moodier and slows our brains’ information processing speed. Moreover, according to a study published in 2022, a lost night’s sleep can impede us from accurately interpreting emotions on someone’s face.

In a 2021 study, researchers concluded that highly sensitive individuals process information while they rest. Thus, they integrate information about recent events during sleep.

And while sleep is paramount to everyone, it is crucial for highly sensitive parents. Good sleep allows you to be “on” for your children on the following day and, at the same time, self-regulate your emotions.

But, it’s hard getting quality sleep with two kids under five. My main challenge was that I couldn’t get back to sleep after the baby’s night feedings. So, after trying various methods, I learned to prioritize sleep with these straightforward tips.

2. Eating regular meals

Regular meals are a must for me, as a highly sensitive parent. Healthy food keeps my blood sugar in check. Otherwise, I become irritable and anxious if my blood sugar gets low. For me, the term “hangry” applies 100%.

Additionally, motherhood has turned me into a dark-chocolate lover. Did you know that a square of dark chocolate per day reduces stress and improves brain function? So it sounds like the best treatment for “mommy brain,” right?

3. Time alone is a must

Constant noises and pungent smells (“Hmm, I wonder what’s that thing that shrieks and smells badly? What, it’s my baby!”) trigger highly sensitive parents. For instance, my baby wheezing during sleep made me wish to isolate myself in a quiet room. Likewise, two little people that needed me simultaneously and urgently felt like somebody had invaded my personal space.

A highly sensitive parent gets overstimulated quickly. That’s a fact.

So, as soon as my baby started waking up only one time at night, I went to sleep later. That way, I had a solid hour to myself for showering, then drinking some wine and watching a show or reading. Solo time made me feel like myself before having children.

Related: Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child: Have You Ever Felt You’re Rewarding Bad Behavior?

Then, when I enrolled my three-year-old in preschool, things improved further. Finally, I would have a two-hour alone time during the baby’s afternoon nap. Yay!

4. A simple schedule works best

I can’t be one of those moms who catch up with cleaning and laundry while the baby naps. And even on weekends, I recharge my batteries while the baby naps and my toddler is busy with a puzzle or watching a cartoon.

Moreover, as a highly sensitive parent, I am not a fan of many extracurricular activities. With a baby, the logistics are too overwhelming. But, as they grow, I am sure to encourage extracurriculars if the kids are interested.

For now, I’m enjoying the benefits of some flex-time each day.

5. Taking short breaks during the day prevents burnout

Around 4 pm, after the baby’s nap, my house is a mess, and my toddler jumps on the couch or bangs pans in the kitchen. As you can imagine, I’m ready to burst.

So, I know it’s time to reduce stimuli. And one way is getting outside because nothing’s better than fresh air. If it rains but I need a break, it means screen time for my oldest and sensory play for the baby.

6. Spending time in nature makes HSPs better parents

As a highly sensitive parent, too much indoor time overwhelms me. Unfortunately, there are lots of overstimulating things at home: the living room full of toys, stagnant air, cooking smells, a neighbor repairing something, artificial lighting, and last but not least, screens.

So I need to unplug.

Going into nature with the kids improves our mood significantly. My mind clears when I leave the distractions inside. The soft breeze on my cheek gives my brain a reboot. And a walk in the woods, in the park, or a nature study makes all the difference.

7. Learning to set boundaries is essential for self-care

Conflict makes a highly sensitive parent extra anxious. It’s because it adds to the pressure that the parent already puts on themselves to do everything perfectly.

Fighting with my partner and struggling with my kids’ loud demands has left me feeling defeated more than once. Because of this, I used to keep my feelings to myself to avoid further stimulation.

However, not setting healthy boundaries made me resentful. But I didn’t want frustration and anger to define me.

Only when I performed some soul-searching did I realize that I always felt I had to do something extra when I could not. The worst part was that, ultimately, I was the one to blame.

Therefore, I learned to stand my ground on matters that were non-negotiable to me. And now, I know to be assertive without being aggressive.

8. Teaching self-regulation skills to our kids is good for us, too

Meltdowns are deeply troubling for highly sensitive parents. So often, we feel our children’s emotions as our own.

As a result, some parents need to go to a separate room to cool down. Nevertheless, this strategy has never worked in our house. I feel extreme guilt for not being there for my children.

Consequently, I remain in the same room with my children and practice self-regulation. We use time-ins, give hugs and acknowledge feelings. Seeing them settle down calms me. To be sure, meltdowns have become shorter and less intense.

Can Highly Sensitive People Be Good Parents?

Yes. A highly sensitive parent has some key strengths:

1. Cautious. They pause and consider their reactions when faced with kids’ challenging behavior.
2. Conscientious. A highly sensitive parent takes a lot of trouble to do things right, at the risk of getting overwhelmed.
3. Self-aware. Self-awareness comes with better listening skills, self-control, and a willingness to self-improve.
4. Attuned. A highly sensitive parent is a natural at seeing beyond kids’ negative behaviors.

All things considered, parenting is like riding a rollercoaster, whether you’re a highly sensitive parent or not, whether you have a new baby or five children. And, despite the difficulties, I’m glad to be a highly sensitive parent.

References

• V Vien Lee, Rachel Schembri, Amy S. Jordan, Melinda L. Jackson, The independent effects of sleep deprivation and sleep fragmentation on processing of emotional information, Behavioural Brain Research, Volume 424, 2022, 113802, ISSN 0166-4328, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bbr.2022.113802. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0166432822000705)
• Acevedo B, P, Santander T, Marhenke R, Aron A, Aron E, Sensory Processing Sensitivity Predicts Individual Differences in Resting-State Functional Connectivity Associated with Depth of Processing. Neuropsychobiology 2021;80:185-200. DOI: 10.1159/000513527
• Santiago-Rodríguez E, Estrada-Zaldívar B, Zaldívar-Uribe E, Effects of Dark Chocolate Intake on Brain Electrical Oscillations in Healthy People. Foods. 2018;7(11):187. Published 2018 Nov 8. DOI:10.3390/foods7110187