Do you have a school-age child with big emotions? How long have you been expecting a change in your highly sensitive child’s behavior?
We frequently make this mistake.
And it isn’t until we yell or catch ourselves worrying late at night about mental disorders and about our unresolved childhood trauma that we become aware of how stressful this behavior cycle is.
Tantrums, meltdowns, crying, hitting, whining, defiance. It’s draining.
Still, we wish it would simply disappear on its own. But it doesn’t, despite all the parenting hacks we try.
But what if we tell you that you need to follow three simple rules to break the cycle?
These are basic rules which support the connection you have with your child.
They prevent those challenging behaviors from happening.
These three simple rules are consistent routine, predictable family rules, and expressing needs.
Without knowing the basics, it will be impossible for you to determine when challenging behavior might be a source of concern.
So, let’s see how we can prevent challenging behaviors in the first place.
1. A child with big emotions needs routine.
Sensitive children are always aware of their surroundings and thrive in the right environment, like orchids. For them, supportive conditions are crucial, as research shows.
According to a study by Jerome Kagan, a key pioneer of developmental psychology, some healthy children are born highly reactive to new stimuli. As a result, these kids tend to avoid or fear new situations and persons. By adolescence, a third of them may show signs of social anxiety.
So, applying the best parenting tactics is crucial to help them thrive.
And sensitive, reactive children thrive on routine. Since they are easily overstimulated, they focus best when there isn’t much new stuff around them.
So, in a new place or situation, provide support and understanding to your child until they figure out what to do. You see, sensitive children worry because they don’t know how they are supposed to behave, what they are supposed to do, etc. So many questions are going on in their head, making them feel overwhelmed. So, it’s best to explain beforehand and guide them until they feel safe to be more independent. Once they know what other people expect, sensitive children show their full potential.
Our littles thrive in familiar environments. So, if your child shows challenging behavior, ask yourself these questions:
- Does your kid have a consistent daily routine?
- Do you provide emotional support or tell your child to do as they’re told in new situations?
- Is your child going through a period where many new things are happening in their life?
- Does your kid have a consistent daily routine?
- Do you provide emotional support or tell your child to do as they’re told in new situations?
- Is your child going through a period where many new things are happening in their life?
Related: 8 Mistakes to Avoid with Your Anxious Highly Sensitive Child
2. A child with big emotions needs predictable family rules.
Most families have rules. But sticking a list of rules on the fridge is the easy part. But, the real problem is following the rules daily, no matter our emotional state.
However, most of us react based on our emotions. It’s human nature. For instance, when we are tired after a long day, we let our children watch TV for an extra hour because quiet is nice or because taking a warm shower undisturbed is all we need.
Also, if your sensitive child misbehaves, you let them go away with it because they are tired. Or, on the contrary, you start yelling because you can’t take another meltdown. However, this is an example of unpredictable behavior on your part. Erratic behavior makes sensitive kids anxious.
Try to think from their perspective: reactive children have intense emotions and need to let them out.
One day, it’s okay for them to free emotions through a meltdown. On another day, it’s okay to calm down by watching TV. But occasionally, you decide unexpectedly that specific calming methods, like meltdowns and screens, are not allowed.
Further, the child might even get punished for not following house rules concerning behavior and screen time. Consequently, the child feels like they have no control over their environment. As a result, they will either implode (and have a big meltdown later) or explode.
To wrap up, if you have trouble with family rules, ask yourself these questions:
- Do you apply family rules predictably or based on emotions (your child’s or your own)?
- Do you react to your child’s misbehavior or choose how to act?
Related: Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child: Have You Ever Felt You’re Rewarding Bad Behavior?
3. A child with big emotions needs to learn how to express needs and set boundaries
Deeply feeling children are good at masking their emotions. But just because they behave in public doesn’t mean they feel comfortable. They swallow their feelings and do what they are told until they explode at home, where they feel safe. Or, they show their emotions through exaggerated reactions, like yelling, screaming, and crying. Or they avoid social problem solving: they avoid playing in groups, negotiating in group projects, and anything where they struggle.
So, it’s best to teach them to express their needs and boundaries in different environments, not just at home. They need to advocate for themselves in front of colleagues and strangers.
Related: How to Help Your Deeply Feeling Child Set Emotional Boundaries
If your sensitive child is clingy and often yells, they struggle with setting boundaries and advocating for their needs. In addition, their intense emotions prevent them from politely stating their opinion.
In order to prevent challenging behaviors, your child needs to learn from you how to express needs and boundaries with others. They learn this skill from seeing you do it.
Your child’s behavior can change when they learn to handle big emotions independently. You won’t be able to help co-regulate when they are in school, so you need to teach them to advocate for themselves. You must show them how to do it by being a role model.
If you act as if your child can advocate for themselves, though you know that they can’t, they will continue to burst at home. So, you need to break this pattern and teach your child effective ways to draw the line tactfully instead of yelling or avoiding.
Related: Go to the Base of the Emotions Iceberg: Poor Interoception
References
https://sensitivityresearch.com/about-sensitivity/ FAQs – What is sensitivity?
Jerome Kagan, Nancy Snidman, Early childhood predictors of adult anxiety disorders, Biological Psychiatry, Volume 46, Issue 11, 1999, Pages 1536-1541, ISSN 0006-3223, https://doi.org/10.1016/S0006-3223(99)00137-7. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0006322399001377 )
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