The Highly Sensitive Child And Low Demand Parenting

Picture this: Wednesday evening. Your highly sensitive child (HSC) refuses to brush their teeth and put on PJs. Three gentle requests later, you raise your voice, and now your HSC yells at you to go away. Frustration hits you, and you might feel like you’re failing your child.

Sound familiar? Many HSCs resist simple requests. But here’s the secret: create a lower-demand lifestyle. Low demand parenting isn’t about letting them get away with everything. It’s about separating everyday demands into critical and non-critical, and learning to make requests in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your child.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths.

Why Low Demand Parenting Works For The Highly Sensitive Child

When I first learned the expression “low demand parenting”, I thought it was ridiculous. It sounded like an excuse for permissive parents. If your child’s been yelling, throwing things, and verbally abusing you, the last thing you want to do is ignore it, right?

But if you are going to make progress with your sensitive and defiant kid, there’s something you should know: many HSCs have neurodivergent traits.

They get easily overwhelmed by sensory stimuli. A lower-demand and predictable lifestyle creates a calm environment, which allows HSCs to feel safe.
What’s more, HSCs have differences in how their brains work. Some have anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD, or autism. Some have autism with a PDA profile.

What Is PDA?

PDA stands for “Pathological Demand Avoidance” or “Pervasive Drive For Autonomy”, an expression coined by Tomlin Wilding, a neuropsychology specialist, which better captures the need behind the behavior.

Even if your child doesn’t fully meet the PDA diagnosis, understanding the signs can be a game-changer. It can help you see the root cause of their behavior and create the calm home you deserve.

Children with PDA refuse to comply with requests when the requests threaten autonomy. For them, autonomy equals safety, and demands may be perceived as threats. Threats trigger their body’s danger response, and as a result, they may go into fight, flight or freeze mode.

Neurodivergent brains work differently from the rest. Differently wired kids are more inflexible, meaning that they have lower frustration tolerance. Thus, minor triggers, like everyday demands, sends them into a stressed state.

Most children who show signs of PDA also have extreme mood swings, because of their inflexible thinking and low frustration tolerance. When there’s a problem, some of them internalize: they withdraw and shut down emotionally. Others externalize and have more obvious emotional reactions, like screaming and crying.

Kids with PDA traits can be sweet and sociable when they are in control. However, when they feel like you want to control their behavior, they become anxious, controlling, and even manipulative.

Another trait of PDA kids is that they struggle with understanding hierarchy. For example, they want to be co-parents or co-teachers. That’s why they may struggle with authority figures.

Kids with PDA have a high need to control and can be creative. On the playground, they may like to engage in role-playing games and have a high need to control what other children are doing. As a result, they may go into conflict with the others.

Defensive strategies that PDA-ers employ are procrastination, becoming argumentative, trying to distract you, or outright refusing demands, even simple ones, like brushing their teeth or getting dressed. Unfortunately, these strategies can progress to panic, self-harm, and meltdowns when a child’s nervous system is overwhelmed.

So, how do you parent a child with a high need for autonomy?

How To Create A Lower-demand Lifestyle

Parenting a child with PDA traits can be challenging. With a constant stream of requests throughout the day, they are bound to get overwhelmed and defiant. This behavior can lead parents and teachers to repeat instructions more insistently, which unfortunately, just adds fuel to the fire.

Traditional parenting that relies on firm boundaries and consequences may not work for PDA kids because it triggers anxiety and resistance. This is where low demand parenting comes in.

Low demand parenting is all about helping kids feel less stressed and anxious so that they can meet demands that you consider critical for your family. It’s based on trust, collaboration, being flexible, working together, cutting out unnecessary demands, and making demands feel less overwhelming.

For kids with PDA tendencies, we want them to feel safe and secure, not like they’re in trouble. We need to create a safe space where they feel comfortable. This means understanding what makes them feel like they’re losing their autonomy and being willing to bend the rules sometimes to make things less overwhelming.

Here are some ways in which you can create a lower-demand lifestyle for children that have a high need for autonomy:

• Be a team:  Instead of giving orders, try collaborating on solutions with your child. This helps them feel like they have some control and reduces stress.
• Make demands feel less overwhelming: Instead of making direct demands (“I need you to…”), frame requests in a friendly way (“I wonder whether…”, “Let’s see if…”) and start with “please” to reduce the perception of demands. This makes your child less likely to feel like they’re losing their autonomy. Also, be aware of your tone, get down to their eye level, and be aware of your body language.
• Depersonalize demands. Explain that requirements are from a higher authority you have no control over (e.g. school assignments, doctor’s recommendations, police regulations)
• Give choices. Give your child two or three choices so that they don’t feel like you are controlling them. Avoid giving too many choices as that might be overwhelming.
• Give them time: Don’t rush your child to answer questions or make decisions. They need time to process information and feel comfortable.
• Be mindful of sensory overload: If bright lights or loud noises bother your child, try dimming the lights or using noise-canceling headphones. This will help them feel more relaxed.
• Think about the complexity of the tasks: The longer and more complex the task, the longer it takes to complete, which may lead to increased anxiety.
• Be aware of your energy. Sensitive kids pick up on our feelings easily so be aware of how your energy may impact the situation.

Focus On Non-negotiable Boundaries

Creating a lower-demand lifestyle is deeply personal. It’s about thinking of your own set of values (for example, “In our family, we never hit.”) and coordinating with the members of the entire family. If your child is old enough, you can include them in the process.

Non-negotiables or critical demands are based on your set of values, and so they are different for each family. For example, going to school can be a dealbreaker but eating dinner together as a family may not be.

Now that you’ve defined your non-negotiable boundaries, consider what you can relax on.  A good starting point is thinking about the hardest moments of the day with your child. For example, if mealtime is a struggle, you can stop asking them to eat certain foods or allow them to eat in their room sometimes. If bath time is a battle, you could have them take a bath every other day.

If you have a hard time dropping demands, think about what truly makes you think a certain demand is necessary. Many of our habits and ideas are tied to societal expectations; they are not necessary to keep our family healthy and happy.

Letting go of “should”, “shouldn’t”, and “I’m not going to let them get away with this”, will help us feel calmer and more relaxed. Once you’re less stressed, you can better help your child break free from the cycle, too.

Low Demand Parenting Versus Permissive Parenting

As you are reading this, you might be thinking, “This is crazy! If I ditch the daily bath rule, they’ll never shower!’ That’s a real concern. Letting go of control can be scary. But, low demand parenting isn’t about letting them do whatever they want. Boundaries are still important for everyone’s sanity and well-being.

In addition, lowering the demands on your child might mean increasing the demands on yourself. For example, when you don’t make your child clean up their room, you’ll have to do it. That is frustrating. That’s why making time for self-care is essential.

Plus, people who don’t understand will judge you. But there are other things that are more important than people’s judgement. I’m talking about your child’s mental health and about having a calmer home. Hopefully, you can be kind to yourself as you try this parenting approach.

Low demand parenting aims to keep your child’s anxiety low enough to handle the important stuff – the things that truly matter for your family. Having clear boundaries around these “must-haves” is key. This separates low demand parenting from permissive parenting. Permissive parenting lacks structure and clear expectations, which can actually make kids more anxious.