How to Help Your Deeply Feeling Child with Shyness

Growing up, I was labeled slow to warm up, shy and nervous. I believe it was because I took my time to observe my surroundings but also because people view shyness and sensitivity as weaknesses. So I learned to mask. A lot.

I don’t want the same for the kids. I want them to grow up confident, and embrace their sensitive side.

That’s why, as a mother, I try to do everything in my power to help them see that, though they have weaknesses, like everybody else, they are more than their weaknesses.

Every child in this world, deeply feeling or not, shy or bold, quiet or hyperactive, needs to know that they are as good as anybody else.

In this article:

Why does a deeply feeling child struggle with shyness?

1. Genetics can play a role

According to experts, shyness is due to genetics to a large extent, to the way our parents raised us, and life events. So, if you or your partner struggled with shyness as a child, there is a likelihood that your kid is also shy.

2. Big changes cause big feelings

Significant changes in the family dynamics like a divorce, separation, or the death of a parent can also lead to behavioral and emotional problems for children.

For sensitive kids, living in an unstable family context can also be more stressful than for their non-sensitive peers (learn more about the importance of early childhood environment here and in this study).

3. The way we parent is key

While we can’t control genetics and what life brings us, we can learn what parenting tactics to avoid.

Studies show that shy kids often have overprotective parents. Unfortunately, overly careful parents may not encourage children to explore and make mistakes. Instead, they often focus on what might go wrong. Their own anxiety and past experiences can trigger this reaction.

It’s no blaming here. We are doing the best we can, but it’s also important to know how we trigger our children’s worries without meaning to. Remember that deeply feeling children are cautious by nature, and they get scared easily. There’s no need to vividly picture the risks because they already do so in their mind.

Moreover, deep-feeling children are sensitive to criticism and perfectionist. That’s why saying, for instance, “Don’t do that, honey. You have never done that and you might trip over and hurt yourself”, can make them feel like they are clumsy, and that they aren’t good enough. So, they might reply, “You do it mom, you can do it better than me.”

What happens next is that instead of seeing mistakes and new situations as learning opportunities, your child starts to avoid them and to expect your help.

Authoritarian parents can also inhibit deeply feeling children. They may use shaming to get them to listen. Unfortunately, shaming can make shy kids even more shy. Again, there’s no blaming here. Being an authoritarian parent doesn’t make you a bad person. Many of us were raised that way, and it’s hard to unlearn old and unquestioned habits. What matters most is to make repairs.

The authoritarian approach might make children fear thinking outside the box, because they want to please parents and teachers. But that’s exactly one of their sensitive superpowers! Deeply feeling children see things with a unique lens, and that can help them become the leaders of tomorrow.

Sometimes it’s not about shyness

1. Sensory sensitivities might make a deeply feeling child seem shy

Some children seem socially hesitant, but it’s sensory stimulation that they want to avoid, not people. Here are some examples:

• Touch sensitivity: a child with touch sensitivity may avoid crowded places and team projects.
• Noise sensitivity: a kid who is sensitive to loud and unexpected noises may avoid parties and playgrounds.
• Smell sensitivity: children with smell sensitivity can avoid school cafeterias and parties.

The main downside in the above scenarios is that a sensory-sensitive child will have fewer opportunities to practice social skills. Thus, their peers may be more socially confident – an aspect your deeply feeling child surely won’t miss, and which unfortunately, can lower their self-esteem.

Related: Go to the Base of the Emotions Iceberg: Poor Interoception

A deeply feeling child doesn’t like small talk

Deeply feeling children often find it hard to make small talk with unfamiliar people. Moreover, they only make friends with people that they click with. Unfortunately, non-sensitive adults often label them as “shy,” for this reason, which might not be true, in fact.

People mislabel introverts as “shy”

According to Elaine Aron, who first coined the term “highly sensitive person,” about 70% of highly sensitive people are introverts. Unfortunately, introverts are often labeled as “shy,” although this might not be true. Introverts enjoy spending time alone or doing quiet activities. This is how they recharge.

Finding out the leading causes of your child’s shyness can help you choose the right strategies to help them build social skills.

6 Strategies to Help a Deeply Feeling Child with Shyness

1. Don’t fall in the comparison trap. Focus on your child’s strengths instead.

About 1 in 3 people are highly sensitive. That means that your deeply feeling child is different from about 70% of their peers. You may feel by now that they’ll never be social butterflies. For this reason, comparing them with their friends will only make them feel alone and lead to self-esteem issues.

Instead of falling into the comparison trap, it’s best to help them discover what makes them unique. Deeply feeling children are often compassionate, creative, empathetic, extremely curious to learn new things and observant. They might even be gifted.

2. Teach your deeply feeling child to reframe

Deeply feeling children are easily overwhelmed and also do overthinking. This can make them enter a negative thought pattern, which is difficult to control. Having trouble controlling negative thoughts is called “rumination.” Rumination can lead to depression and anxiety later on in life. That’s why teaching your deeply feeling child the power of reframing is essential for them to develop resilience.

We can help sensitive kids reframe their negative thinking by:

• teaching them to become aware of their thoughts
• helping them evaluate the evidence (the facts)
• helping them see the situation from a different angle.

Let’s see an example:

Nine-year-old Lana says she doesn’t like going to parties. Noise makes her nervous, and she probably looks embarrassing because everyone asks her, “Why the face?”

Lana’s thoughts make her self-conscious and shy. However, her thoughts don’t reflect the reality. Feeling nervous about something doesn’t necessarily make you look embarrassing. Lots of Lana’s friends perhaps feel nervous when they arrive, too.

Here’s what Lana’s parents can help her:

• “Instead of feeling embarrassed, let’s focus on the fact that your sensitivity allows you to notice and appreciate things that others might miss. Your face expresses your genuine feelings, and that’s a beautiful part of you.”
• “Remember that everyone has different reactions and preferences. It’s okay if parties aren’t your favorite thing. It’s great that you know what makes you comfortable and, going forward, let’s choose parties and play dates that align with what you like.”
• “I understand that parties can be overwhelming for you. It’s okay to feel nervous about the noise and attention. Remember, you’re not alone in feeling this way.”
• “I want you to know that it’s perfectly okay if you don’t enjoy parties like some other kids might. Your feelings are valid, and I’m here to support you.”
• “Let’s come up with a plan together. If the noise becomes too much, we can find a quiet spot where you can take a break and relax. We can even bring some earplugs or headphones if that helps.”
• “Sweetheart, if someone asks you about your expression, you can simply say you feel more comfortable observing the party instead of running around and dancing.”

3. Teach your deeply feeling child to focus on what happens around them

This strategy is easy for deeply feeling children because analyzing the surroundings carefully is in their nature. This superpower is essential for overcoming shyness.

You see, many children feel shy because they are self-conscious. But once they shift the focus from their inside world to the outside world, it becomes easier to be sociable. One way to shift the focus is with an easy mental grounding exercise, like the 1-2-3 game (one thing that you can see, two things that you can smell and three things that you can touch).

What’s more, an effective antidote for shyness is helping others. For example, if your kid feels nervous at a birthday party, make a plan together about how they can help the host. Likewise, if presenting a school project is tricky, ask the teacher to involve your kid in setting up the materials and helping around the class that day.

Or, if they feel anxious about participating in the new school play, you might suggest to your child to paint the sets for the play if they have an artistic talent. Again, think of your kid showcasing their skills as a great way to overcome shyness.

My feelings are too loud for words and too shy for the world.

Dejan Stojanovic, Serbian poet and writer

4. Encourage your deeply feeling child to join clubs

One of the best ways to help your kid with shyness is to offer them varied experiences and opportunities to build social skills. Meeting other children with similar interests is a great way to make new friends.

Self-defense classes are also great for building confidence.

Deeply feeling children that like to spend time outdoors may enjoy horse riding. Horse riding is great for our mental state and is often a social activity. Riding a horse makes you highly aware of what’s happening around you, because you have to pay attention to the horse’s movements. In addition, the horse’s rhythmic motion also promotes a sense of relaxation. Plus, spending time with animals is a great way to increase serotonin.

5. Help your deeply feeling child be friendly and approachable

Encourage your child to be friendly, approachable, and genuinely interested in getting to know others. Remind them to listen actively, show empathy (deep feeling kids are good at that) and be open to finding common interests. A friendly face, a warm smile, and saying “Hi!” goes a long way.

Our body language can make others come to us and make friends. For example, studies show that a relaxed posture and open arms show confidence. Signs of insecurity include a slouched posture, crossed arms, and fidgeting.

Playing pretend games at home can help your child become more approachable. Or your child might try a few poses alone in front of the mirror to see how their body looks when they engage in a conversation with someone new.

Besides body language, giving sincere compliments is also a great way to start a conversation with other children (“I like how your hair looks today,” “That Spiderman cap looks great. I want one, too”).

6. Celebrate small wins

Perfectionism often prevents deeply feeling children from feeling good about small wins.

Try to teach them to see the glass half full (it helps to focus on the new things we learn when making mistakes, instead of how much more there is to go to achieve our goal). You can help them keep track of progress and celebrate small wins.

It helps to talk about their small wins each day. Try to ask your kiddo open-ended questions like:

• What was the best thing about going to the playdate on Saturday?
• What are the top three things that you liked about that birthday party?
• Today was fun because …?

 References

1. Scrimin, S., Osler, G., Pozzoli, T., & Moscardino, U. (2018). Early adversities, family support, and child well‐being: The moderating role of environmental sensitivity. Child: Care, Health and Development, 44(6), 885–891. https://doi.org/10.1111/cch.12596
2. Li, Zhi & Sturge-Apple, Melissa & Jones-Gordils, Hannah & Davies, Patrick. (2022). Sensory processing sensitivity behavior moderates the association between environmental harshness, unpredictability, and child socioemotional functioning. Development and Psychopathology. 1-14. 10.1017/S0954579421001188.
3. Hastings, Paul & Nuselovici, Jacob & Rubin, Kenneth & Cheah, Charissa. (2010). Shyness, parenting, and parent-child relationships.