Why Transitions Are Tough For Your Deeply Feeling Child

Do you have a deeply feeling child? Then you know how difficult transitions from one activity to another can be.

“Ten minutes to go, sweetheart.”

“Just five more minutes, and we leave!”

“You have one more minute.”

Each reminder is a tiny bit more desperate than the last. In fact, you are begging your kiddo to leave without starting to scream and ruin everyone’s mood this time.

These repeated warnings, meanwhile, simply annoy your kid as a constant reminder that their time is slipping.

The countdown increases your anxiety as well. Naturally, you wish for the best, but when you expend all your energy on the heads-up, which doesn’t leave you with much patience for the actual transition. Your child’s frustration starts to surface, and you feel like your transition tactic failed, like you failed.

Then, you snap.

And your child screams. Or they get grumpy, defiant, and annoyingly inflexible for the rest of the day.j

Then, you say to yourself, “This was supposed to be a fun weekend. How can other people have fun with their kids, and I can’t? What am I doing wrong?”

Does that sound familiar?

It’s pretty standard.

You’re not alone in this.

Many parents of deeply feeling children struggle with transitions.

Before we continue, we thought you might like to try our “Things To Remember” Poster. This poster helps build our children’s resilience and positive outlook. You can print it and hang it in your kids’ calm corner, classroom or school counselor office. Check it out!

Transitions happen throughout the day. Common transitions for children include getting ready to leave the house, packing away toys before bedtime, moving from the classroom to the playground, going from home to school, or from jumping up and down on the trampoline to sitting at the table in a restaurant.

For sensitive children, transitions may be challenging and result in anxiety, frustration, and tricky behaviors. You see, going from one activity to another requires us to go from calm to alert (for instance, when arriving at a birthday party or school) or from alert to calm (playing in the park and then having to sit in the car). However, switching gears is not easy when you’re not spontaneous.

Signs your deeply feeling child has trouble with transitions

Every child reacts differently when struggling with transitioning. You may see these reactions days ahead of a big triggering event. For example, the school doesn’t start for another week, but your sensitive child has already started worrying about it. So, your sensitive child might become grumpier and meltdown over the most trivial things as the school year approaches.

So, how do you know a transition upsets your child? Look for these signs:

• Whining, cussing, sassiness, and an overall negative mindset
• Melting down often, screaming and crying
• Anxiety, including physical reactions like tummy aches and bathroom accidents
• Avoiding the topic (for instance, a preschooler who avoids talking about new friends at school)
• Defiance, breaking the rules your child can usually follow, and stubborn refusals
• Trouble getting back on track after an unpleasant event or a difficult assignment.

Why your deeply feeling child has difficulty with transitions

We all struggle with transitions, more or less. Imagine being interrupted when you hyperfocus on writing an important email. Isn’t it annoying? That is how it is for a child when they have to stop mid-play at the park. Or let’s say you dread Mondays or getting up early after the holidays. Your child feels like that, too, when school starts.

But why does a deeply feeling child sometimes get stuck in transition problems? Here are the leading causes:

1. Lack of control makes them feel frustrated

When you say, “It’s time to leave the park” to your slow-to-warm-up kiddo who is finally having fun, they are likely to start whining or get defiant. These are reactions to what they perceive lack of control. They have to switch from doing something they want to something that another person (the parent) wants, which is frustrating for everyone. Plus, sensitive kids usually have a low threshold for frustration tolerance.

It’s completely normal for children to feel frustrated, but when it happens frequently or intensely, it might be a sign of underlying anxiety. Anxiety can make it harder to cope with challenges, leading to bigger emotional reactions. It’s like trying to climb a hill when you’re already out of breath. If you feel that your child may be anxious, try “The Anxiety Iceberg” Poster. Print it and hang in in your child’s room, classroom or therapy office. It’s a great conversation starter if you want to talk about big feelings. Check it out!

2. Frequent transitions throughout the day

Think about how many changes (which are out of their control) your child has to go throughout the day: from sleep to being awake in the morning, from pajamas to school clothes, from home to sitting quietly in the car seat, then from getting used to sitting quietly in the car to going in a loud classroom, getting from one school activity to another, and then coming back from school at home. This constant gear switching from calm to alert can cause big emotions. Sensitive people are more affected by their environments, so frequent transitions can be too much for a sensitive child.

Too many daily transitions can lead to cumulated frustration showing up as whining, defiance, or bottling up emotions. In addition, the constant effort of hiding negative feelings and behaving well throughout the day can lead to meltdowns in the evening.

Related: 10 Smart Ways to Help Your Sensitive Child Succeed in School

3. Fear of the unknown

A deeply feeling child is usually more cautious and dislikes the uncertainty of a sudden change in plans. Unfamiliar situations usually cause anxiety to young kids because they still make sense of the world.

In addition, some children may have a more reactive amygdala (the amygdala is the part of the brain responsible for our fight or flight stress response), making them more stressed than others when they don’t know what to expect.

Moreover, a sensitive child notices and reacts to minor details others don’t see. So, they worry excessively about what might happen in an unexpected situation. They like to think carefully, but surprise transitions don’t allow that.

Should they also struggle with self-esteem, they’ll worry about what others think about them if they make mistakes. Add perfectionism into the mix, and your sensitive child will definitely go into fight or flight mode.

If you have a child that struggles with anxious feelings, then our “Anxiety Bundle For Children” might be for you. It’s full of practical coping tools, engaging posters and easy-to-follow handouts that you can print and use to find what what’s causing your child’s big feelings. Check it out:

4. Trouble communicating

Suppose your child has trouble communicating because of lagging social skills or low frustration tolerance, for instance. In that case, they might a) express their frustration and fear of the unknown or b) seek your help using inappropriate behavior. That doesn’t mean your child misbehaves for attention because kids don’t choose to do so when they are overwhelmed. Instead, it means that they need extra guidance and reassurance.

5. Executive function challenges

If your child struggles with executive function challenges, transitions can be overwhelming.

That is because they involve switching focus, planning skills, problem-solving (particularly if the transition is unexpected), and time management skills (for instance, if you have to leave for school earlier, your child might get overwhelmed by the fact that they have to prepare in a shorter amount of time).

Executive functioning challenges are common in kids with an ADHD diagnosis.

Related: I’m the mother of an HSP girl with ADHD. Her diagnosis allows her to thrive.

6. Being inflexible yourself doesn’t help

Sometimes parents have difficulties of their own, like a demanding job or marital issues, making it difficult to be understanding with a child that constantly struggles with daily transitions. However, your reactions are crucial. You don’t have to be perfect, but you need to be there for your child regardless of their behavior.

Also, think about whether your child’s problems with transitions trigger painful childhood memories on your part. For example, picking your child up from school can add to your stress and make you less ready to accept your kid’s problems if you struggled in school as a child.

Related: How to Apologize to Your Highly Sensitive Child When You Say Things in Anger

Sometimes, your deeply feeling child may need to vent…

Daily transitions are usually a struggle for sensitive kids. And it’s emotionally healthy for your child to voice their negative feelings about transitions, even if it’s difficult for you to hear them. When your kid shows their feelings, they release negative energy that would otherwise keep them grumpy for the rest of the day.

Transitions often result in meltdowns because your child seeks a safe outlet for their disappointments and fears. Even though there’s never a suitable time for your child to act out, paying attention to their complaints is essential. By doing so, you can show the warmth and respect your kid needs to feel validated and move on.

However, you don’t need to adjust your child’s expectations just because your child is struggling. Again, what will help is extra affection, validation, and reassurance.

Your child’s complaints can give insight into what goes on in their mind. For example, kids who struggle with transitions sometimes say things in anger (“That’s not fair. You always want to leave when I have fun”).

But when your child continues to complain frequently (“I hate going to school. I want to stay at home with you”), then it might be something less fleeting. In this case, try to actively listen to what your child says. Even if you can’t provide a solution to their problem, your reassurances show your child the fact that you care. Your loving words will eventually reach their heart. You’ve got this!