Before we begin, we thought you might like our Deep Breathing Exercises. Deep breathing is a simple yet powerful tool to help kids calm down when they’re feeling overwhelmed. Print these cards or create a calming corner with our posters. Check them out now!

Your guide to a 4-year-old meltdown

As a parent, you know that children occasionally have tantrums. But sometimes, we reach a point where we wonder, “How much of this is considered “normal” behavior? They’re too emotional.”

Many moms and dads find it tough to help kids handle strong emotions. If you’re feeling this way, don’t worry; you’re not the only one. Teaching a child how to control their feelings can be tricky. And you know what? Plenty of grown-ups also have trouble showing their emotions in a good way.

The good news is that we can learn to manage and express our feelings. I know you can, too. To begin, it’s a good idea to learn more about how your child’s brain works. Let’s dig deeper.

Tantrums versus Emotional Meltdowns

You’ve probably seen your fair share of tantrums as a parent to a 4-year-old. But if you’ve reached the point where you wonder if your child is too emotional, then you’ll want to know the difference between a tantrum and an emotional meltdown.

A tantrum and an emotional meltdown are both intense displays of emotions in children, but they differ in their underlying causes and expressions:

Tantrum:

• Cause: Tantrums are often triggered by a specific event or situation, such as not getting a desired toy, treat, or attention. Children having a tantrum feel angry and frustrated and want something they can’t have.
• Expression: During a tantrum, a child may shout, cry, kick, or even hit. They might use these actions to manipulate a situation or seek attention.

Though temper tantrums can be challenging, they are considered normal development for a 4-year-old. From time to time, all kiddos hit, bite, shout, run away, whine, and defy parents and teachers. But they become a problem when they happen often and last longer than for a typical child. Experts say that over half of children aged 18 months to 4 years have more than one tantrum per week.

A 4-year-old will likely show strong emotions in social settings or when faced with complex academic tasks. In addition, 4-year-olds are also pretty good at using language and are less impulsive than two or 3-year-olds, so they are more likely to shout and say hurtful words than say, hit, and bite.

Emotional Meltdown:

• Cause: Conversely, emotional meltdowns are usually not linked to a specific trigger. They can occur when a child becomes overwhelmed due to sensory overload, exhaustion, or inability to cope with emotions.
• Expression: A child may lose control over their behaviors in a meltdown. They might sob uncontrollably, scream, hyperventilate, or even appear to “shut down.”

In summary, tantrums may involve deliberate behaviors. Meltdowns, in contrast, result from emotional overwhelm and may lead to a loss of control without a clear trigger. Understanding the difference can help you support your 4-year-old.

Meltdown Signs: Four Stress Responses You Should Know About

Sometimes, we feel like children get over-emotional or angry out of the blue. While it’s true that meltdowns don’t usually have a specific trigger, they don’t just happen. They are just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s look deeper, at the base of the iceberg. We’ll see all sorts of factors, like ongoing stress, a big transition, trouble making friends, difficulty setting boundaries, an inability to express emotions healthily, sensory overload, and an immature brain.

Signs that a meltdown is coming can look different depending on where your child is, at home or in public, and with whom, meaning how safe your child feels to express their emotions. Depending on how much negative energy your kiddo has bottled up, they can also be more or less intense.

In addition, another reason why meltdowns look different is that our nervous systems react differently to stress. So, here are the four main stress response styles you should know about:

• Fight: explosive emotions, anger, aggression, hitting, throwing, rigidity and demanding perfection, dictatorial tendencies, controlling.
• Flight: feelings of panic and anxiety, fidgeting, hyperactivity, running away, can’t relax easily, obsessive or compulsive behaviors.
• Freeze: self-isolation, shutting down, not answering your questions, avoiding eye contact, difficulty making up their mind, lost in their own world.
• Fawn: rarely gets angry, people pleasing, difficulty saying “no,” can’t stand up for themselves.

When talking about big feelings, most refer to what happens in fight mode. But as you can see, children react differently when they’re overwhelmed: they may shout and scream (explode), shut down (implode), run away, or even resort to people-pleasing as a defense mechanism.

Here’s an example – the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type of child. Some children are great at preschool; the teacher might say they are the “perfect child.” But it’s a different story at home. These kiddos may have daily after-school outbursts. That’s because they are primarily in fawn mode during the day, then release their strong emotions at home, where they feel safe. In other words, the daily outburst at home is just the tip of the iceberg.

A “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” situation is so hard for parents because no one believes the school environment is overwhelming since the child hides their feelings so well.

In the next section, we will talk about why children get so emotional.

Why is my 4-year-old so emotional?

Here, we’ll talk about the main reasons for big feelings:

4-year-old brain

4-year-old children are, by nature, emotional. Their brain is still developing, especially in emotional regulation and impulse control areas. At this stage, their limbic system is going through a growth spurt.

What is the limbic system, and why is it important? Imagine your child’s brain is like a control center for their body. It tells them when to eat, when to sleep, and how to react to different situations. Inside the brain, there’s a special part called the “limbic system.” The limbic system is like the brain’s emotions and memory manager. It helps us feel and remember things. It’s kind of like the brain’s “heart.” Think about when your child feels happy, sad, or scared. That’s their limbic system at work. It helps create those feelings. It’s also in charge of memories, like when your child remembers their last birthday party or a scary situation.

Now, a 4-year-old’s limbic system is growing fast, and there will be bumps in the road. In other words, your child’s brain is just beginning to learn emotional regulation. And with your help, they can learn faster.

Big transitions

Change can be tricky for anyone. Grown-ups sometimes struggle when they start a new job or when there’s a new child on the way. Kids feel the same way. It can be even harder for them because they usually don’t get to decide on big changes, and they might not understand why they happen and what’s happening.

When you’re four, many things can change, like when a new baby comes into your family, you move to your own room, or when you begin preschool.

Highly sensitive child

Sensitive children get from 0 to 60 faster. They get angry more easily, shy away in unfamiliar settings, have trouble with daily transitions, invest too much in friendships, and have difficulty setting boundaries. They may also have sensory issues (the jeans are too tight, the socks are itchy, etc.) In other words, they are more sensitive to stress and have a lower frustration tolerance.

If this sounds familiar, you may have a highly sensitive, strong-willed, or deeply feeling child (whatever language you may choose). These children need more downtime and more responsive parenting. They need more of us to help them navigate big feelings.

Parenting sensitive kids is tough, but many parents are struggling with this. Dr. Elaine Aron, who first coined the term “highly sensitive child,” said that about 20% of people are highly sensitive. Additional research has found that 1 in 3 individuals might be like that. That means that you’re not alone. Many parents go through the same struggles as you every day.

If you think you may have a highly sensitive child, download our Highly Sensitive Child Checklist for FREE. Check it out here!

Behavioral conditions

Some highly sensitive kids also have autism, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and sensory processing disorder (SPD) and are at risk of anxiety and depression. If your mama instinct tells you something more is going on, and your child is missing out on opportunities because of their meltdowns, don’t hesitate to contact a specialist for help.

How to help your 4-year-old manage big emotions

When helping your child work on their big emotions, it’s important to remember that meltdowns aren’t necessarily bad; they may be the only way your child knows how to show what they feel.

It’s hard to remain calm during a child’s meltdowns, especially if you’re tired and the other kids are shouting “mom, mom, mom” at the same time.

Here are some strategies to try:

1. Work on healing yourself

I believe that most of us know how to be good parents, and we know how to make our children loved. So why is it so hard to be gentle when your child has big emotions?

I think there are two main reasons for that: first, most of us weren’t raised gently, and second, we don’t have a village to support us. As a result, we live in a chronic state of stress. And it’s close to impossible to reconnect with your child when you’re in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

A good starting point is to work on understanding your triggers and healing yourself. Also, try try to find a community of like-minded people: the feeling of belonging can make us more resilient.

2. Spend time together

In our daily 9-to-5 rush, we can overlook a simple but crucial aspect of parenting: whether our little one feels disconnected from us. If they are, the cost of setting boundaries is way higher than when they trust us. That’s why emotional closeness is at the core of setting limits successfully and reducing meltdowns and tantrums.

How can you improve your connection? You can start by spending more time together. Talking, playing together, doing something exciting that you both love.

A strong emotional connection helps enlarge our kids’ window of tolerance. Though an emotional child will remain prone to meltdowns, they’ll be more manageable.

So, saying, for instance, “We won’t go to the pool today” might still trigger a stress response, but as your child is safely attuned, your words won’t tip them over into a complete meltdown and won’t degrade the trust they have in you.

3. Set boundaries kindly and consistently

Most parents know that they need to apply rules consistently. But the problem is the child overreacting to the boundary. An emotional 4-year-old might easily go from 0 to 100 and even feel painfully rejected when we pronounce the word “no.” Unfortunately, that can be difficult for parents to witness. 

To avoid escalation, we might start avoiding limits. But by doing this on a regular basis, we’ll reach a point where we feel like we’re walking on eggshells. That can be draining for parents and create tension between partners.

But know that you aren’t the only one struggling – about 1 in 3 kids have a more sensitive nervous system, so there are many of us like you.  

The secret is to be mindful of how you set limits. Try this:

• Be curious about their big emotions (try, “I’m here to listen to you. Can you tell me why you’re feeling so angry? I want to understand,” instead of “You have no reason to be upset”)
• Normalize all emotions, including anger and frustration, and differentiate between behaviors and emotions (“Sweetie, I know you’re feeling angry right now. It’s okay to feel that way, but it’s not okay to hit. We use our words to express our feelings.”)
• Be a team (“I understand that you’re finding it hard to share your toys. Let’s figure out a way to take turns and play together without any fighting.”)
• Time in instead of time-out (“You’re not in trouble, but it’s important to take a break when we’re upset. Let’s sit together for a few minutes and calm down.”)
• Give options (“I see that you’re upset about going to bed. Would you like to read a story or have some quiet time with your stuffed animal before bedtime?”)

If you’d like to know more about how to set limits without your child taking it personally, we’ve written about this here.

In this section, we’ve talked about how to parent a very emotional child. Next, we’re going to discuss strategies for when you’re in the middle of an emotional meltdown with an emotional 4-year-old.

How to Handle a 4-Year-Old Meltdown

1. Shift the focus from the meltdown to yourself

Meltdowns are a clear sign that your child is feeling overwhelmed. In those moments, it helps to remember that they are not giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time. Think of it this way: are you capable of being on your best behavior when you’re dysregulated? Probably not, right? It’s the same with little ones.

But what if you know what you have to do but still lose your cool? The trick is to shift your focus from the meltdown to yourself. Instead of thinking about how to end the meltdown, focus on your thoughts. Notice as they come and go out of your mind (by the way, did you know a thought lasts 90 seconds on average?) Try to remember that your job is not to end the meltdown as quickly as possible; it’s to calm yourself. A dysregulated parent can’t help a child regulate themselves

2. Check if your child needs your help to regulate

Once you feel more in control of yourself, the next step is to shift the focus to your child. Take them somewhere quiet and ask if they need your help:

• “Do you want a hug?”
• “Do you want me to hold you?”
• “How about taking a walk? How does that feel?”
• “Would you like to spend some time in your calming corner?”

If your child is so overwhelmed that they can’t settle at all, you can also try sensory strategies:

• drink a glass of cold water
• hold an ice cube
• chew gum
• play with a fidget toy
• eat something crunchy
• suck a smoothie through a straw
• apply deep pressure (bear hugs)

3. Talk about what happened when everyone’s calm

Emotional children usually take in more information than their nervous system can handle. As a result, they get overstimulated faster and can have more meltdowns. While you can’t help them stop acting like an information and emotional sponge, you can help them process their big feelings once everyone’s calm.

It also helps to discuss calming sensory strategies, such as the ones we talked about above. That way, you’ll be prepared (for example, you may want to have a fidget toy in your bag wherever you go), and your child will feel like they have some control over what’s happening.

Quick tip: Do something relaxing together before starting the conversation. You can try drawing, working on a puzzle, taking a short walk, or baking.

If you’re unsure how to help your 4-year-old with big feelings, you can try our “My Calming Tools” Poster. This poster equips your child with practical tools to manage big emotions, fostering resilience and self-confidence. Check it out!

Or maybe you are a teacher and have slow-to-warm-up kids in your classroom and wonder if it’s something more?

Before you continue, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.

Why Does a Highly Sensitive Child Worry about School?

Highly sensitive children are more stressed by overstimulation at school. School may feel overwhelming due to the following:

• Transitioning to a school schedule, especially after a long and lazy summer break
• Constant noise and hubbub
• Visually overstimulation classroom
• Navigating friendships
• Academic pressure.

These emotional and sensory stimuli may tire sensitive children, and they may want to spend time alone in a quiet area to recharge their energy.

Pressure to behave a certain way may also quickly inhibit a more emotional and introverted child. That’s because they internalize criticism. Remember that these children have probably heard many times phrases like “Why are you so shy?”, “Why don’t you go play with the others?”, “when someone greets you, it’s nice to greet them back.” Hearing these words can often make every one of us think there’s something wrong with us.

Sensitive kids may also appear shy. That may be because of anxiety but not necessarily. It may simply mean the child needs extra time to familiarize themselves with the school setting.

When a sensitive child struggles at school, you may want to remind them that it’s okay to feel big emotions and allow them time to get used at their own pace.

Hidden Signs of School Anxiety

While stress about starting school is expected, you may want to look for signs of prolonged anxiety. That’s because anxiety about school can affect a highly sensitive child’s learning in different ways.

Behaviors that hide anxiety include:

• self-consciousness and embarrassment in daily interactions
• spending more time by themselves at school
• refusing to go to school and drop-off tantrums
• low frustration tolerance at home because of the effort the child puts into being on the best behavior at school
• physical reactions like unexplained tummy aches, headaches, and rapid breathing (also known as somatization)
• poor sleep, which can lead to difficulty focusing in the classroom
• test anxiety
• procrastination
• toxic perfectionism.

4 Strategies to Help a Highly Sensitive Child Who Worries About School

1. Teach Your Highly Sensitive Child to Identify Worry Signs

Help your highly sensitive child or highly sensitive student understand anxiety by discussing our natural responses to threats: flight, fight, or freeze.

Here are some examples that you can discuss:

• “How do you feel when the teacher asks a question in class?”
• “How do you feel when you are doing an activity you are not good at, like a fast-reaction game?” (Highly sensitive children have a pause-and-check approach, so they may excel at activities where they need to blurt out answers).

Ask the child how they feel in the situations above:

• Does your mind go blank? That’s a freeze reaction.
• Do you put your head down and hope the teacher won’t pick you? That’s a flight response.

Then guide them in recognizing worry signs—feeling tense, rapid heartbeats, sweating, stomach aches, or headaches—as signals from our bodies when anxiety arises.

Emphasize that some worry is normal and helpful, like the jitters before a test, that push them to focus on studying instead of TV. However, anxiety becomes a problem when:

• our body alarm (response to threats) is triggered too often
• we have big emotions and intense reactions to harmless everyday situations.

2. Teach Your Highly Sensitive Child Calming Skills

Before helping a child deal with anxiety triggers, you may want to teach them how to remain calm under stress. Children often know what to do, but when big emotions flood their brains, they can’t focus on finding solutions.

A simple strategy is to teach them breathing exercises. Here are some fun breathing exercises that you can try (pin this for future reference):

Another calming tool is mental grounding. Ask the child to name three things they can see, hear three sounds, and touch three things. This exercise helps us to remain present and put a stop to worrying thoughts.

Breathing exercises and the 3-3-3 grounding game above are great because kids can use them at home and school.

You can also try to play the Feelings Charade Game. This game works great in larger groups. Below you can find the instructions and ten printable emotions cards:

If you’d like to find more calming strategies and get a school emotion regulation plan for your child, learn more here: www.bigfeelingsjf.com.

3. Teach Problem-Solving Skills to Help Them With School

Children develop problem-solving skills early on (think of babies who learn to crawl to get to an object). However, they continue to grow and refine throughout adolescence.

In addition, the executive function, which helps us plan, organize and solve tasks, develops fully after the teenage years. So, expect young school-age children to need help with developing problem-solving skills.

Here are some simple steps that you can follow:

• Ask the child to describe the problem (“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”)
• Guide them to find solutions (“Hmm, I wonder what you can do about it. Do you have any ideas?”)
• Evaluate each potential solution and talk about the positive aspects and the risks. (“Let’s see what can happen in this scenario.”) In addition, help them exclude solutions that can hurt them or others (for instance, no physical aggression or hurtful words).
• Encourage them to make a decision, help them implement it if they ask for help, and monitor the results (“How did it go? Do you need to change anything?”). Then, try to make adjustments as needed (“What can you do next time so that your classmate doesn’t get sad when you say no?”)

4. Encourage Your Highly Sensitive Child to Share Their Worries about School

It’s easier to get children to talk about their feelings while you are doing something else. For instance, during a car ride, during dinner, or while playing a game.

Find a soothing or engaging activity, then gently encourage them to talk about school. You can start the discussion by asking them one thing they liked about their day, one that made them sad, and another that they are grateful for.

Alternatively, you can encourage them to express their feelings through art therapy. For instance, they may draw their feelings or paint something important about their day.

We’ve covered in this article four strategies that can help highly sensitive children manage their anxiety about school. While every child is unique, and some tactics work with some children and don’t work on others, it helps to try these four strategies before your child goes into a meltdown cycle.

Summer breaks mean no morning rush, overstimulating classroom environment, and no after-school meltdowns.

It sounds great, right?

Well, summer breaks are not that great, actually.

Having kids at home all summer can be challenging for all families, but this is especially true if you have an emotional and sensory-sensitive child. Summer can be challenging for a highly sensitive child: loss of daily routine, many exciting (or maybe overwhelming) activities, hot weather, visiting new places, and meeting new people or people they haven’t seen in a long time.

That means plenty of transitions and surprise changes in plans which are stressful for more sensitive children.

In this guide, you’ll find:

Key Tips to Help A Highly Sensitive Child During the Holidays

Give your child time to warm up. Highly sensitive children are slow to warm up. So it helps to talk to them about upcoming trips, road trips, summer camps, and other changes to your daily schedule.

Moreover, meeting the teacher or trainer at their upcoming camp can help them get used to the environment.

Related: How to Encourage an Overly Cautious Child

Avoid having too many activities in one day. Sensitive kids need their downtime, and having too much to do can make them refuse to participate, hate the trip, become grumpy, and ruin everyone’s mood.

Know your child’s triggers. Before we go on, it’s important to note that Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and sensitivity (being an HSP) are different. But regardless of how SPD and HSP kids process stimuli, both can have difficult behaviors because of sensory triggers and benefit from healthy coping skills. That’s why we are going to talk here about sensory triggers.

Some kids can be sensory avoidant, and others can be sensory seekers. Additionally, the same kid can dislike touch (avoidant) but crave vestibular input (seeker). Others HSP kids are less sensitive to sensory stimuli but are intense emotionally. Knowing these details is essential in deciding what coping tools to choose.

Sensory-avoidant kids get overwhelmed easily and need frequent quiet breaks. Sensory-avoidant children also struggle with changes in their routines. Constant sensory overstimulation and lack of schedule (which often happens on summer vacation) can make them go into fight or flight mode. Unpredictability can also make them more inflexible, withdrawn, intolerant to frustration, defiant and increase the need for control.

Sensory-seeking children crave sensory input. For instance, they need fidget toys to calm down. They can even become hyper without enough breaks. Constant overstimulation, like on long summer trips or camps, can lead to challenging behaviors and outbursts.

Related: How To Calm an Overstimulated HSC Who Has Trouble Sitting Still

How to Spot Subtle Signs of Overstimulation

Sometimes it’s not easy to see that a highly sensitive child is overstimulated. For example, they can appear calm when actually, they’ve withdrawn like a turtle in their shell. Or, they seem cheerful when in fact, they are hyper.

Here are some subtle signs of overstimulation:

Acting silly around unfamiliar people or situations

Acting silly can be a sign of big feelings. Using potty words in public can also be a sign of anxiety that your child can’t hide.

That can happen when you meet people the child hasn’t seen in a long time, you visit new places, or when anticipating a big event (like a Disneyland trip or a visit to relatives the child hasn’t met).

Asking repeatedly for impossible things

Imagine you are on holiday and have walked a lot on foot all day. Everybody’s tired. Your highly sensitive child, who is on the verge of overstimulation, might ask the same question on and on, like, “Will you buy me that toy that we’ve talked about?” Of course, they know the answer is no, but they are probably looking for an excuse to let their big feelings out. It’s as if they want the meltdown to happen because they’ll feel better afterward.

Becoming either fidgety or withdrawn

Sensory seekers who start feeling dysregulated might suck their collars or various toys, put fingers in their mouths, or fidget around. That’s because sensory input helps their nervous system calm down. That is a sign that you must remove them from the situation and help them rebalance. According to experts, highly sensitive individuals calm down and are able to concentrate once the source of overstimulation is gone (that’s a key difference between sensitivity and ADHD).

Sensory avoiders can become withdrawn when they don’t feel comfortable anymore. Imagine you’ve signed up your child for summer art classes, and it’s your child’s first day. Your child may be a little emotional and start acting silly. The art teacher politely draws their attention to be quiet. But that’s enough for your child to go into freeze mode and become withdrawn.

When you see these signs of overstimulation, it helps to implement coping strategies:

• have a chat with your child in a quiet space, away from the stimuli
• carry small fidget toys in your purse
• offer a healthy snack (something crunchy if your child is a sensory seeker)
• use humor
• breathing exercises
• give your child their noise-canceling headphones
• remind your child of a happy memory, or plan something fun after the stressful event.

Read along to find more coping strategies and ideas.

How to Prepare for Summer Breaks with A Highly Sensitive Child

1. Adjust your expectations

You will probably be unable to do what most families do, which is okay. Everybody’s different; we must do what’s best for our families and us.

The faster you accept your child for who they are, focus on their strengths, and adjust to their challenges, the easier it will be to enjoy your time together during the holidays.

2. Create a routine

It helps to create a weekly and daily routine for the summer, considering your child’s strengths and challenges. Highly sensitive children thrive on routine, so creating a summer schedule can help them feel more secure and in control. Plan daily activities, such as meal times, playtime, and outdoor time, and follow a consistent schedule.

It helps to discuss the weekly schedule in advance and then give reminders each morning about what you have planned for the day. You can even put a weekly routine on the refrigerator so everyone can see it and discuss it at mealtime.

If you don’t have a predictable routine, your child will likely fight you over trivial things, like getting dressed and leaving the house (or the hotel if you are on vacation).

Related: Why Transitions Are Tough for Your Deeply Feeling Child

3. Plan low-key activities

Highly sensitive children may become overwhelmed by too much stimulation, so it’s essential to plan daily activities that are calming and soothing. That may include reading, drawing, building with legos, doing puzzles, baking, or listening to music.

You can plan daily outdoor activities in the morning and quiet time at home in the afternoon.

4. Explore sensory-friendly activities

Look for outdoor activities that are relaxing and sensory-friendly, like:

• feeding the birds
• taking a picnic
• grow a small garden
• playing at the beach
• hiking the local trails
• bike rides
• playing tourist in your own town.

Here are also some indoor ideas for the summer break:

• finger painting
• making slime
• lavender-scented home-made play dough
• creating a sensory bin
• dancing
• stage a play.

Avoid activities that may be overwhelming or triggering for your highly sensitive child, such as crowded events or noisy environments. When you can’t avoid it, make sure you have noise canceling-headphones and that you find a quiet space where you can take short breaks for your child to recharge.

5. Create a quiet corner (or sensory toolbox for summer trips)

Having a quiet corner or tent to which your sensitive child has exclusive access (no siblings allowed) can help them feel more in control when things get chaotic around the house. Talk to your child about what to have in their quiet space:

• calming lights
• a quiet area for drawing and painting
• weighted blankets
• sensory toys, like fidget spinners, sensory jars, lavender-scented playdough
• legos
• audiobooks
• picture books
• posters with words of affirmation
• bean bag
• stuffed toys.

A sensory toolbox (you can use a backpack instead) can also help your child better regulate on your road trips.

6. Set consistent boundaries

Highly sensitive children may worry if they feel they have no control over their environment. Setting clear boundaries can help them with emotional regulation and prevent outbursts. That may include setting limits on screen time or enforcing quiet time in the afternoon.

• “I understand that you want to watch more TV, but we need to limit our screen time to have time for other activities. So let’s choose another activity to do together.”
• “I know you want to keep playing with your friends, but it’s time to come inside now. We can plan another playdate soon.”

Also, boundaries around nighttime routine are essential for sensitive children because they need a lot of rest, especially when the next day will be packed full of activities (“I understand you want to stay up late, but getting enough rest is important to feel your best tomorrow. So let’s agree on a bedtime that works for both of us.”)

7. Explore new things together

While highly sensitive children may be hesitant to try new things, introducing them to new activities can help expand their interests and develop new skills. Try to choose low-key activities, such as nature walks or art classes.

Here’s how you can encourage them to try something new:

• “I know trying new things can be scary, but it can also be exciting! So let’s take it one step at a time and see how it goes. I’ll be here if you need my help.”
• “It’s okay to feel nervous about meeting new kids. So let’s brainstorm some things you can talk about.”
• “It’s okay to feel worried about this. It’s something that you haven’t tried before. But it’s also an opportunity to learn something new, and you can talk about it with your friends back home. So if you feel overwhelmed, let me know, and we can take a break together.”
• “Let’s set a goal together: that you’ll try one new activity when we go to the water park. Let me show you the water park website and what activities you can choose.”

8. Practice self-care

Raising a sensitive child can be emotionally draining, so prioritizing self-care is crucial. Make time for activities that help you recharge, such as spending time with friends, exercise, mindfulness, yoga and meditation.

Related: HSP Parents, Let Go of Toxic Guilt Now

7 Summer Must-Haves for A Highly Sensitive Child

The hot summer months can be stressful for a highly sensitive child because of the heat. Here are some must-have items that can help your child feel more comfortable during the summer months:

• Sun hats with wide brims: Many sensory-sensitive children are sensitive to bright light, and a wide-brimmed hat can relieve the sun’s glare.
• Lightweight, breathable clothing: Children sensitive to the touch may find heavy or scratchy fabrics uncomfortable. Opting for light, breathable clothing made from natural fibers can help keep them cool and comfortable.
• Cooling vests: For children who struggle with regulating their body temperature, a cooling vest can be a lifesaver during hot summer days. These vests help keep the body cool and prevent overheating.
• Sensory-friendly swimwear: Swimwear can be challenging for children with sensory issues. Look for suits that are made from soft, stretchy fabric and don’t have any scratchy tags or seams.
• Sunglasses: Like a wide-brimmed hat, sunglasses can help protect sensitive eyes from bright sunlight. Look for sunglasses that provide 100% UV protection and have a comfortable fit.
• Water play toys: Many sensory-sensitive children find water play calming. Consider investing in toys like water tables, sprinklers, and water balloons to help your child stay calm and entertained during summer.
• Noise-canceling headphones: Loud noises like fireworks, lawnmowers, and other summer sounds can overwhelm some children with sensory issues. Noise-canceling headphones can help reduce sensory overload and provide a sense of calm.

Summer Camp Ideas for A Highly Sensitive Child

Summer camps are an excellent way for your child to learn to adapt to new environments and meet new people. And they are also a perfect way for parents to take a break and do much-needed self-care.

As new experiences can be scary for a highly sensitive child, you’ll need to carefully choose the type of summer camp that best suits your child and prepare them for what it will be like there.

First, start by thinking about your child’s interests:

• Are they artistic?
• Are they ready to play team sports? Are they very competitive and get upset when they don’t win?
• Do they like animals or are afraid of them?
• What summer camps have their friends chosen? Does your child want to go with their friends to summer camp?
• Does your child’s school organize a summer camp? If your child likes school, they may enjoy going on summer camp with the school staff.

Afterward, consider whether your child can handle a sleep-away camp. If they haven’t been on summer camp before, it helps to start slow. So, a half-day camp might be a safer option.

Here are a few types of camps that are suitable for a highly sensitive child:

• Nature camps: Sensitive children often feel overwhelmed by too much stimulation. That’s why a nature camp can be a great option. Look for centers that offer activities like hiking, fishing, or camping and that take place in a calm, quiet setting.
• Art camps: Many sensitive children are creative so an art camp can be a good fit. Look for centers that offer a variety of art activities, such as drawing, painting, and sculpting, and that have a calm, relaxed atmosphere.
• Music camps: Sensitive children often like music so a music camp can be a good fit. Look for centers that offer individual or small-group lessons and opportunities to play with other musicians.
• Animal lover camps: Many sensitive children have a deep connection to animals. In addition, animals can help kids increase confidence and social skills, so a summer camp for animal-loving kids can be a good fit. Look for centers that offer opportunities to interact with animals, such as horseback riding, petting zoos, or wildlife camps.
• Mindfulness training and yoga camps: Mindfulness is an essential coping mechanism for sensitive children in an increasingly stressful world. These camps are usually for older kids (+9 years). However, nature camps, which are also for younger kids, can also incorporate mindfulness and yoga activities into their programs.

How to Enjoy Long Road Trips with A Highly Sensitive Child

1. Plan frequent breaks

Long car rides can be challenging for sensory children, so it’s essential to plan frequent breaks to stretch, move around, and take a break from the car. For instance, you can stop at parks along the way.

2. Pack sensory-friendly items

Bring items that can help your sensory child feel more comfortable during the car ride. Here are some ideas:

• headphones or earplugs to block out noise
• popper toys
• crayons
• coloring books
• notebooks
• an LCD drawing tablet
• water painting books
• toy tubes
• a weighted blanket
• a compression vest
• chewing gum
• sensory jars or sensory trays.

You might also prepare a surprise box with sweet treats, trinkets, and a cheap camera you can purchase from garage sales. Kids love taking photos!

3. Provide visual aids

Give your child visual aids to help them understand the journey and what to expect. That may include a map of the route or a visual schedule of the trip. You could even give your child an actual paper map and let them follow along the route with their toy car. Then, highlight the route on their map with a marker and mark the stops so your child knows how far there is to go.

4. Create a calm environment

Try to play calming music and audio stories, or bring a favorite stuffed animal or blanket.

5. Play games

Make the car ride fun by playing games. Try to include:

• verbal games (“I spy,” “Two Truths and a Lie,” “Five Senses,” “the “Alphabet Game)
• sing-along challenges,
• a sensory scavenger hunt (fill a Ziploc bag with rice and tiny treasures and have the kids find the prizes).

Related: How to Have a Fun Road Trip with Your HSC

Despite the difficulties of organizing a summer schedule that everyone in the family can enjoy, you should still take the time to discuss with your family and come up with a plan.

Creating a daily routine and planning your summer trips could make a big difference in your highly sensitive child’s behavior.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on preparing for the kids’ summer break.

As much as we love our kids, as parents, we never wholeheartedly await the two-week Christmas break.

If you are like me, you dread being at home with the kids for two weeks: constant noise, bickering, whining, clutter, sibling rivalry, and endless interruptions while preparing the house for Christmas.

If you also have a deep-feeling child who gets easily overstimulated and has a hard time with transitions, it’s almost twice as hard.

And if you are deeply sensitive, too, then you might struggle with anxiety and toxic perfection. I know I am. Unfortunately, that makes you micromanage and fixate on details, which worsens things.

Have you ever thought, “A long trip away from everyone and everything would be the nicest present ever”? If your answer is yes, you must promise to stop feeling guilty about your thoughts this Christmas. Wishing to take a break during the most wonderful season does not make you a bad parent.

Here are our suggestions for enjoying, not just surviving, this holiday season:

1. Ditch the Christmas guilt

Despite our best efforts, theirs is a lot to do around Christmas: cooking, hosting guests, attending gatherings, sending cards, baking with the kids, and wrapping gifts. Sometimes, however, the solution is to do less. On top of that, we have our kids’ needs.

So, what can you do to make the Christmas holidays simpler?

Our first suggestion is to acknowledge that change begins with you. You can’t control what other families do for Christmas, and you can’t control the fact that your kid is more sensitive than others. However, you can set boundaries when you feel you have reached your capabilities. Setting boundaries is scary, for sure, but it is also freeing. So, think before any “yes.” Even if it can be difficult to decline some invitations and outings to buy gifts, it may be the best solution for you and your family.

Just relax and go with the flow, and try not to be too stressed up things don’t go according to plan. Otherwise, your deeply feeling child will absorb your stress, potentially ruining everyone’s fun. Nothing unsettles a deeply feeling child more than a nervous parent. That’s why imposing some boundaries to take care of yourself is not selfish. On the contrary, it’s the best decision for your family.

And while for many of us, it’s not possible to sip hot chocolate by the Christmas tree in a quaint and quiet Sardinia village, you can still find 15 minutes for recentering yourself through meditation, yoga, praying, journaling, or even a cardio workout.

2. Create unique, not perfect, traditions

Christmas is the best season to remember that overstimulation brings the worst in deeply feeling children. Not following daily routines, traveling, and large family gatherings are a lot to take in for a sensitive child. For this reason, holidays are an excellent time to recall a fundamental parenting tip that always works: empathize!

When we empathize with our children, we let them take the lead, so we pave the road for creating the most wonderful and funny memories and traditions.

If you are like me, you already know that the warmest memories are with our kids being funny without realizing it: saying jokes (sometimes even potty jokes), songs they sing loudly on funny lyrics invented by them, and odd questions kids ask about Santa and Christmas.  And the most precious family heirlooms are Christmas ornaments our kids make with their tiny clumsy fingers.

Here are a handful of suggestions for imperfectly fun family traditions:

• Kids singing loudly and dancing to Christmas songs
• Children taking pictures of themselves running around the Christmas tree
• Have the kids take silly pictures of you
• Hide presents for everyone throughout the house instead of putting all of them under the Christmas tree (especially if you have a dog who likes to chew boxes)
• Prepare many gifts for your dog to unwrap
• Kids waking you up and jumping in your bed early on Christmas morning
• Keeping a journal with funny quotes your family said throughout the year, reading it on the holidays, and guessing who said what.

3. Kids like to get involved in Christmas decor

Small children like to be independent, and the holidays can belong to them, too, if we take our time and allow them to get involved in the Christmas preparations. That means keeping an eye out for what toddlers can do or try to do, allowing clumped ornaments at the base of the tree, and letting go of Christmas décor expectations.

Some parents are okay with young kids decorating the Christmas tree, while others aren’t, and that is okay. There is no wrong or right way of spending Christmas, just different ways. Some of us grew up with color-themed decorations and aesthetic Christmas trees, while some grew up with hodgepodge trees. Either way is fine. It’s always best to do what makes your family happy.

However, if the idea of your child decorating your house for Christmas gives you a headache, you might have them decorate a designated area in your home, indoor plants, or even a small felt tree.

Whatever you choose to do, make sure that your deeply feeling kiddo doesn’t get their feelings hurt. This is because sensitive kids feel easily rejected. So, even if your child doesn’t decorate the whole house, we suggest you pick your kid’s top three handmade ornaments and hang them wherever they like.

4. Your deeply feeling child’s self-control reaches historical lows at Christmas

Deeply feeling children have highly developed senses and are emotionally intense. On top of that, our brains develop the most in the first years of life. That’s why our senses work exceptionally well, whether deeply sensitive or not.

So, it’s understandable for your child’s impulse control to reach historical lows at Christmas, particularly if you have a hectic program.

Your deeply feeling child hasn’t yet developed filters, so they act like sponges, soaking up the stimulation around them. That means that outings and experiences that might be exciting for other kids can overwhelm a deeply feeling child.

5. Notice early signs of overwhelm

Your deeply feeling child processes more the implications of any situation, and as a result, they receive more stimulation and are more quickly overwhelmed in chaotic or unpredictable environments.

When a sensitive child gets cranky, bringing them back on track is challenging. So, it’s best to take the slightest unwelcome behavior as an early sign of trouble and remain alert and ready to take a short break. If leaving the event is not an option, see if you can take your little one to a quieter room so that they can recenter.

Here are some early signs of overwhelm that a deeply feeling child can show:

• Becoming more withdrawn than usual
• Whining
• Constantly complaining about other kids’ behavior
• Getting hyper.

6. Help your deeply feeling child handle gift disappointments

Disappointment around gifts is common among kids of all ages (“Why did she get a nicer toy,” “I wanted a Lego, not a car”). Yet the self-centeredness and the whining can be upsetting for you as a parent. Most of us take kids’ disappointment personally.

But if you think from your child’s perspective, their negative reaction makes sense: Santa Claus “sees you when you’re sleeping / And he knows when you’re awake/ He knows if you’ve been bad or good.” So, why doesn’t Santa bring the gifts we want?

Imagine you truly believe that there is a man out there who sees what you do and hears what you say 100% of the time. Fortunately, this person is not bad. He is the most generous old man on earth, and your parents encourage you to make a wish, and maybe Santa will make it come true. You will ignore the word “maybe” because you already dream of many presents under the Christmas tree. So, you make your wish, and it doesn’t come true. Of course, you’d be disappointed. You’d be disappointed at Santa, not your parents, for not giving you the gift you expected.

Kids have a different perception of time than adults. They live in the moment. So, when they feel disappointed, they won’t listen to reason and explanations that maybe next time Santa will know better. So, the best thing you can do is to acknowledge their feelings and not take their reaction personally. They are upset with Santa, not you.

As adults, we have learned to hide our displeasure and sadness, but small children can’t do that yet. Particularly deeply feeling kids who have more black-and-white thinking. Inflexible thinking is usually behind kids’ big emotions when things don’t go as planned (like when they receive the wrong gift from Santa).

Fortunately, there are some things you can do to minimize disappointment. We suggest that you try to make Christmas more about building traditions and spending time with family than material gifts. Deeply feeling children love this because they have a strong need for connection and are deeply empathetic.

Our society focuses so much on consumerism that kids mistake material things for happiness and love. Yet, contentment and inner peace often come from feeling close to someone and creating beautiful traditions together.

Here are our suggestions for traditions that foster closeness with loved ones:

• Outdoor Christmas photo shoots (so much easier for toddlers than studio shoots)
• Make a play and bring to life the story of St. Nicholas.
• Sing carols in the evening after supper or at bedtime.

7. Christmas is about giving without expecting anything in return

If you want your child to know the essence of Christmas, you need to tell him the story of St. Nicholas.

Here’s how it goes.

There once lived, in the Roman Empire, a poor man. He had three daughters. In those days, young women’s fathers needed to offer potential husbands something valuable called dowry. Women had little chance of getting married without a dowry back then. So, these poor man’s daughters didn’t have any money.

Mysteriously, three different times, a bag of gold appeared in their home, supplying the required dowries. A stranger had tossed the bags of gold through a window. The gold landed in shoes and stockings left before the fire to dry. That gave rise to the tradition of kids hanging their stockings or putting out their shoes, eagerly anticipating presents from Saint Nicholas.

The magical bringer of gifts was – you guessed –  Nicholas. He was neither plump nor jolly, but he was a generous Christian bishop who did many kind deeds secretly without expecting anything in return.

St. Nicholas’ story can remind your children that Christmas is about giving and being kind without expecting anything.  

Here are our ideas about how you can teach generosity to your kids:

• find ways to volunteer that includes your kids
• make cookies and offer them to senior homes and homeless shelters
• make a charity jar in your home and let your kids decide to which charity they want to give the money (like Toys for Tots, the Salvation Army)
• create a give-away box with toys and clothes that the kids have outgrown
• help your kids come up with gift ideas for people they know.

A Take-Home Message

Christmas is about giving without expecting anything in return. As a parent, I feel that I give my best to my sensitive child without expecting anything in return all year round (or at least without expecting much). I’m sure you feel the same way, too.

References

• https://www.britannica.com/topic/Santa-Claus
• https://www.stnicholascenter.org/about-st-nicholas-center
• Dowry – Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dowry
• LyricFind, Songwriters: Haven Gillespie / John Coots, Santa Claus Is Coming to Town lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

But as we had more time together during the Covid isolation, I could see how much frustration his striving for perfection had caused him. If his teacher drew his attention to be quiet on one day, it was all he could talk about in the evening at home. And that perceived failure frequently turned into an outburst.

I had been following all the advice experts gave on overcoming the fear of failure, like applauding his concentration, emulating persistence, and sharing instances in my own life where I had failed, but things turned out okay. However, nothing seemed to work.

Since my son’s high sensitivity is a character trait he’ll have all his life, I researched to figure out how best to support a sensitive child who strives to be perfect.

Here’s what I learned.

The hallmark signs of perfectionism in a sensitive child

Your child’s pursuit of perfection can lead to many accomplishments. However, it can become toxic when your sensitive child shows these two hallmark signs: rigid and distorted way of thinking + risk avoidance. These two harmful habits can lower your kid’s quality of life if they happen often.

Here are examples of harmful perfectionism and how it can prevent your child from enjoying childhood:

• Setting unrealistic standards for themselves
• Anxious, overly emotional, or even panicky when they fear they can’t meet standards
• Overgeneralizing failures and ruminating (“I fell off my bike. I’ll never be good at running on a bike. I’d might as well give up now and stop wasting my time. I’m not like other kids.”)
• Always seeing the glass half empty (“I am terrible at soccer. I messed up every ball in the game yesterday.”)
• Self-deprecating thoughts (“I messed up. I can’t do anything right because I get too emotional. I hate myself.)
• Negative self-talk (“I’m so stupid“)
• Always waiting for the next sign of validation that they are doing it well
• Frequent emotional outbursts because of minor mistakes, to the point that your child either procrastinates or gives up trying.

Related: How to Help Your Highly Sensitive Kid Manage Criticism

Warning signs of harmful perfectionism that many parents miss

Many parents of sensitive children blame high sensitivity for their kid’s behavior. But sensitivity is a neutral character trait. By itself, it is not bad for your kid. So, if your kid displays the behaviors below, perfectionism and not high sensitivity might be the root cause:

• Struggle to adapt or avoid new situations
• Gets angry or beat themselves up when they receive negative feedback
• Highly critical of others or holds a grudge when someone lets them down
• People-pleasing behavior
• Low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy
• Have a hard time forming or maintaining relationships or friendships.

How to help your sensitive child to get over perfectionism

1. The Pareto Principle

According to the 80/20 principle, 80% of consequences in a given situation result from 20% of the causes. Vilfredo Pareto, an economist from Italy, discovered this principle while gardening ad seeing that only 20% of the peapods that he had planted produced 80% of the harvest. He then linked it with the Italian economy, where 20% of the population controlled 80% of the land and wealth.

How does this apply to your perfectionist child?

Say your child holds everybody else to a high standard and takes things personally when a peer crosses their boundaries (“Liam draw lines on my notebook. I’m not friends with him anymore”).  

How can you apply the 80/20 rule here?

One way is to discuss what friends do and don’t do. For instance, you can ask your kid questions like:

• What does being a friend mean?
• Does Liam share his things with you?
• Do you play together?
• Does he give you small gifts?
• Does he say sorry when he makes a mistake?

Then, let your kid decide whether he wants to be friends with the other boy, but remind him that even friends make mistakes sometimes (about 20% of the time, according to the Pareto principle).

Let’s see another example. According to the 80/20 rule, to be successful, your kid needs to focus most of their energy on a few things they want to improve.

Say your child wants several things: to spend time perfecting homework, to improve social skills, and learn to skate. Let’s now suppose that, most of all, they want to get better at making friends. According to the 80/20 principle, your child should focus 80% of their free time on getting better at making friends. That means reducing the time amount on homework and other activities.

Spending less time on other activities can increase the risk of mistakes, which brings us to our second strategy.

Related: How to Help Your Lonely Highly Sensitive Child Make Friends

2. Low-stakes mistakes

Encourage your child to start with something with minimum consequences, like not being the first to hand in a project in class. Or say they always dreamed of taking guitar lessons but don’t have a musical ear and fear they’ll make a fool of themselves. But what if they attend guitar lessons just for fun?

Your child might feel uncomfortable and anxious about not doing something perfectly or not doing it all. However, they’ll learn that the world is not going to end. For this to work, they need to practice and practice feeling those uncomfortable feelings.

When your child tries this technique, it’s best to help them identify what emotions come up and respect their feelings. Your child can even journal those feelings by drawing or writing them down. Let’s now see some examples of journal prompts.

3. Perfectionism journal prompts for your sensitive child

Your child can keep a journal where they can draw or write about how they feel. Here are some examples of journal prompts for combating perfectionism:

• Why am I doing this? Is it really necessary? Do I have to do it now?
• What can I do instead of perfecting my homework? It has to be something I enjoy to forget about my worries. Examples: meet a friend, go for ice cream, go on a bike ride with dad.

Other emotional regulation strategies to prevent harmful perfectionism can work depending on your child’s age. For instance, you can talk to them about mindfulness, being grateful for what we have and the people in our lives, and addressing negative self-talk (what triggers it and what to think about instead). 

Related: 3 Crucial Rules To Help Your Child With Big Emotions

4. Break down goals and focus on one task at a time

If your perfectionist kid avoids complex tasks, one way to help is to focus on partial successes. To do this, break down goals and focus on solving one problem at a time by exploring and testing solutions.

Say your perfectionistic child avoids talking in front of the class because it seems daunting. Here are smaller goals that they can try to achieve:

• Recite something in front of the mirror
• Present a project in front of the whole family at home
• Play pretend that you are the teacher and have your kid answer questions that the teacher might ask in class (ask your kid to prepare the questions)
• Decide how many times they want to speak when presenting a group project
• Start answering in class only about subjects they are passionate about.

5. Encourage your sensitive child to have a growth mindset (“I can’t YET”)

By adopting a growth attitude and trusting in the power of the word “yet,” you can fight perfectionism. The term “yet” can assist our perfectionistic kids in transitioning from “I can’t” and “I will never” to “Let’s give it a try.”

Consider implementing this rule: every project or task has three versions – first draft, second draft, and final version. We believe that two drafts are necessary because giving too many suggestions for improvement after the first draft might make your kid feel disappointed and give up trying.

Then, apply this three-step action plan:

• When your child works on a project, kindly ask them to create the first draft. This enables your youngster to try, make mistakes and correct them.
• When they complete the first draft, encourage further improvement (but not perfection) by saying that you don’t think this is their finest work YET and that they should start working on the next version. Give specific and short feedback on what they can improve (just one or two aspects per draft, so they don’t feel overwhelmed).
• Praise them for the final version of their task by offering concrete remarks about what you like.

Your child will be delighted with their progress and realize they don’t have to worry about getting it right from the first time or all the time. They will also learn persistence leads to progress, achievements, and self-confidence.

6. Take care of yourself

Setting high standards for ourselves, whether in our parenting or professional achievements, can help our kids in many ways. However, be aware of the risks.

Are you constantly frustrated when things don’t go as planned? Do you shun challenges out of fear of failing? Children can learn much about resilience and enjoy a challenge by observing us handle daunting or unpredictable situations. They will be better able to manage and deal with their own obstacles in life if you model for them a “have a try” attitude and the fun and learning that comes with it.

References

• Carmo, C., Oliveira, D., Brás, M., & Faísca, L. (2021). The Influence of Parental Perfectionism and Parenting Styles on Child Perfectionism. Children (Basel, Switzerland), 8(9), 777. https://doi.org/10.3390/children8090777
• Iranzo-Tatay C, Gimeno-Clemente N, Barberá-Fons M, Rodriguez-Campayo MÁ, Rojo-Bofill L, Livianos-Aldana L, Beato-Fernandez L, Vaz-Leal F, Rojo-Moreno L. Genetic and environmental contributions to perfectionism and its common factors. Psychiatry Res. 2015 Dec 30;230(3):932-9. doi: 10.1016/j.psychres.2015.11.020. Epub 2015 Nov 17. PMID: 26611155.
• https://oxford-review.com/blog-research-perfectionism/