You just got everyone ready for a park playdate! Your kid excitedly planned to play tag with their best friend from school, and you already pictured yourself enjoying coffee and chats with the other parent while they play.

But then you get a phone call. The other kid can’t make it. You break the news to your child, and bam! Cheeks flushed red, full-blown frustration mode. What just happened? They see their friend tomorrow anyway, at school! It’s not a huge deal, right? So why does it feel like the world is ending for them?

You try to comfort your kid immediately: “I’m sorry, buddy. We’ll get some ice cream! It’s going to be great!”

But then you realize….

Cushioning the blow won’t solve the problem of them not adjusting to the change in plans (or not even trying) because they’re stuck feeling frustrated and can’t move on.

You want your child to be more adaptable and to give them confidence that everything’s going to be okay, even if it doesn’t go according to plan.

But how? In this article, you’ll be learning exactly that.

Common signs of low frustration tolerance in kids

Children with low frustration tolerance are often highly reactive, struggle with negative self-talk, and often blame others when something goes wrong.

Common signs of low frustration tolerance in kids include:

Emotional signs:

• Frequent outbursts and tantrums
• Excessive anger and irritability
• Difficulty tolerating negative emotions like disappointment, anger, and sadness
• Low self-esteem and negative self-talk.

Behavioral signs:

• Giving up easily
• Lashing out at others and blaming others
• Avoiding challenging situations
• Clinging or dependent behavior, needing constant reassurance
• Resisting rules and arguing frequently
• Perfectionism: difficulty accepting mistakes
• Inflexibility: difficulty adapting to changes in plans
• Struggles with friendships due to difficulty managing intense emotions and conflicts
• Regressive behaviors: reverting to thumb sucking or bedwetting when stressed.

What Causes Low Frustration Tolerance in Kids

1. Emotional regulation difficulties

When emotions overwhelm us, we cannot access the rational, thinking part of the brain. This happens often to young children, and also to highly sensitive and neurodivergent children who can go from 0 to 100 in one second.

Underlying conditions like ADHD, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, pathological demand avoidance or specific learning difficulties can cause low frustration tolerance.

2. Inflexible thinking

Inflexible thinking can make kids see situations in extremes, like “good” or “bad”, or “all or nothing”.  Just like the child in our example.

Unfortunately, this thinking pattern leaves little room for compromise. Imagine a child who keeps saying “I want to watch that movie” even after you agreed that it’s not their turn to pick the movie. Not being able to control the outcome makes them feel helpless and frustrated.

3. Sensory sensitivities

Do you know that feeling when your house is a mess, your children are screaming, and there’re toys spread all over the living room floor? That feeling of irritability is related to sensory overload. It’s hard to stay calm in those moments.

It’s the same for sensory-avoidant children. Sensory overload can thin out their patience and make them feel frustrated.

6 Strategies To Help Kids Manage Low Frustration Tolerance

1. Don’t try to fix it

Whenever your child gets frustrated, don’t try to fix it. Give them a few minutes to calm down, then have a chat. Mirror their feelings (“I can’t do anything right!” -> “You feel like you can’t do anything right, are you sad?”)

Then, listen as they open up and tell them you feel like that sometimes, too. Remember that kids don’t need us to fix them; they need someone to understand their feelings.

But sometimes, kids don’t open up. They may feel like their feelings or failures make them too vulnerable, and they may feel shame. Try to build more special one-on-one time into your daily routine. The more you bond, the higher the chances they’ll want you to help them process their feelings.

2. Build coping skills for low frustration tolerance

Without knowing healthy ways to deal with frustration, kids might resort to unhealthy mechanisms like yelling, throwing things, or avoiding challenging situations. For example, a 10-year-old struggling with math may refuse to complete assignments or have angry outbursts during homework.

You’ll find below ten healthy coping skills ideas that you can use as a conversation starter. Print the infographic and discuss it with your child when they’re calm. For instance, you can ask them to pick three coping skills they’d like to try.

Positive affirmations are also essential for developing frustration tolerance. When faced with challenges, kids often engage in negative self-talk, like “I’m bad at this” or “I’ll never get it right.” Repeating a daily mantra with them in the morning or the evening before bedtime is a great way to remind them of their self-worth.

Download our FREE ”Positive Affirmations” coloring poster. You can print this poster and hang it in your child’s room or their calming corner. It’s a great way to teach them the importance of self-confidence and resilience. Check it out:

3. Create routines and predictable environments

“You promised we’d go to the park today!”

“Why are you going to your friend’s house instead? I don’t want to go there. I don’t like your friends!”

You can prevent this sort of outbursts with a predictable routine. In addition, informing your kid about the change in plans helps them mentally prepare for what’s next.

Offering choices also give a sense of control (“We can’t go to the park today. I know you were looking forward to it. But we need to go to Grandma’s instead. Do you want us to stop and get a snack on the way, or do you want us to head directly there?”

4. Plan ahead before challenging situations

Create a strategy for tricky events like family gatherings to ensure a smooth transition. For older kids, create an exit plan together before attending the event.

For younger kids, get playful and try, “Let’s pretend we are magicians and become invisible.” Then, stage your exit.

5. Offer opportunities for your child to practice patience

Patience is a learned skill. When your child is feeling calm, try something that is mildly challenging. This could be solving a puzzle, waiting in line, or working on a school project. The idea is to give the child the opportunity to practice their patience. This will also offer you the chance to help them reframe negative thinking.

6. Teach problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills

Kids with low frustration tolerance often have big emotions that are hard to manage. That’s why friendships and school life can be challenging for them.

Our FREE “Patch It Up” poster has easy coping tools to help your child overcome peer conflicts. Check it out:

3 Tips For Parents To Manage Low Frustration Tolerance

1. Learn To Stay Calm

Most of us feel like yelling back when our child is pushing our buttons. But this rarely leads to something positive (and you probably know that already!). So, instead, shift the focus from your child’s behavior to yourself. Take a deep breath or do a short five senses check-in exercise to keep your cool. And remember, your child’s frustration is not about you, it’s not your fault and you’re not the only parent trying to figure this out. Here are more tips on how to remain mindful through your child’s big feelings.

2. Don’t let frustration define your child

When kids get easily frustrated, it’s tough for everyone. However, don’t let frustration define them.

For younger kids, it helps to look at frustration like a temporary visitor, maybe like a grumpy fairy named Miss Frustration. When she shows up, instead of saying, “You’re always grumpy?” try, “Uh oh, looks like Miss Frustration is visiting again! What can we do to send her away?”

This strategy helps your child see frustration as something temporary they can overcome, not something defining them.

For older kids, you’ll find in the infographic below 12 helpful phrases to say to your child when they struggle with frustration:

3. Consider a slower schedule for your child

If you feel that you’ve tried everything, but your child is continually on edge, perhaps something needs to change in their life. They may need a slower schedule and more quiet time throughout the day. Spending more time in nature and having fewer after-school activities can also help children who struggle with overstimulation.

Dealing with less overall stress can help sensitive kids cope better with frustration.

Remember, you’ve got this!

Here are three valuable resources to help you:

1. 11 Gratitude Prompts. Make these gratitude prompts a part of your bedtime routine or Friday family dinners. Grab your 11 Gratitude Prompts FREEBIE.
2. 5 Effective Ways to Teach Your Highly Sensitive Child About Gratitude. Gratitude can be a powerful tool to build resilience and boost self-esteem.
3. 9 Fun Gratitude Activities for Kids. You can start implementing this amazing list of activities today.

Let’s dig deeper.

Why is Gratitude Essential for a Highly Sensitive Child?

Gratitude is a learned skill. It’s about choosing to see the bright side instead of focusing on “should be.”

For highly sensitive children who are prone to anxiety and low frustration tolerance, gratitude can be a powerful tool to manage stress.

When children focus on what they are grateful for, it can help them see the good in the world, even when things are tough. This can help reduce their anxiety and make them more resilient.

5 Effective Ways to Teach Your Highly Sensitive Child About Gratitude

1. Encourage small acts of kindness

Teach your child to be grateful to people, not just for things. Saying thanks to someone, talking to a classmate who feels sad, giving grandma a call – these small acts of kindness can make people glow in gratitude.

Here are other examples:

• Praise someone’s artwork, outfit, or kindness toward others
• Help colleagues who are struggling with schoolwork
• Share toys with playmates
• Give someone a gift: buy it or make the gift together
• Say “thank you” and “please.”

2. Highlight your highly sensitive child ‘s strengths

Identify your highly sensitive child’s unique strengths and encourage them to use those strengths to help others. That will make them more generous, connected to those they are helping, and more grateful for their abilities.

For example, sensitive kids have empathy to spare and can be super listeners to their friends and family.

3. Turn complaints into praises

Helping a highly sensitive child reframe complaints into praises involves encouraging them to shift their focus from what’s bothering them to what they appreciate. For instance, if they say, “I hate this noisy place,” you can guide them to say, “I prefer quieter places, but I like that we’re spending time together.” It’s about finding the positive aspects in situations. Use phrases like, “What’s something good about this situation?” or “Can you find one thing you like here?” This practice helps them develop a more positive mindset.

This strategy doesn’t change our initial feelings, so it’s essential that you still validate how your child feels. However, it helps kids see the problem from a different angle. This will help them cope with difficulties in the long run.

4. Help your highly sensitive child find gratitude during difficult times

Instead of denying or ignoring problems, talk about the good and bad parts of life. Here’s a simple exercise: draw peaks and valleys and label them with your children. Explain to your child that life is rarely a perfect straight line. Tell them that it’s better to look at life from the peaks.

Encourage them to make a list of what they do have, even the most minor things, “You may not have friends at school, but it won’t be like that forever. You haven’t made friends at school YET, but you have other friends.”

5. Work through envy

Have you ever noticed your little ones feeling envious of their friends’ new toys, fancy clothes, or exciting adventures? It’s a common feeling among kids, and it can be touch to watch them struggle with it. Here are some effective ways to help your little ones overcome envy and feel more thankful for what they already have:

• Help them understand that everyone is different. Explain that everyone has their unique strengths, talents, and experiences.
• Focus on experiences, not possessions. Instead of focusing on the material things your child may lack, highlight their extraordinary experiences, like spending time with family, enjoying nature, or learning new things.
• Shift their attention to the positive things they have. Try to encourage them to keep a gratitude journal or memory jar or draw pictures of things they’re grateful for.
• Make gratitude a family affair. Share things you’re grateful for around the dinner table, or try the gratitude activities below.

9 Gratitude Activities for Kids

1. Create a gratitude or memory jar

Decorate a jar and cut colorful paper strips. Every evening, ask your child to write or draw something they are grateful for on a strip and put it in the jar. Over time, the jar fills with joyful moments.

It can be anything: strengths that your child is proud of, memories, people in your child’s life that they are thankful for, something beautiful (the sunset, a sunny day), or a mistake they’ve made and the lesson they’ve learned for it.

2. Practice bedtime gratitude with your highly sensitive child

Before bed or at dinner time, take five minutes as a family to share things you are grateful for. For example, ask your child one thing that they liked about their day and that they’re thankful for and one thing that they didn’t. Go around the table, allowing each family member to share their gratitude.

If your child has difficulty seeing the good things that happen to them, play the “Unfortunately, fortunately” game. For example, “Unfortunately, we couldn’t go to the park today because it has been raining. Fortunately, we watched a great movie instead and ate popcorn.”

3. Play a gratitude game with your highly sensitive child

Create a gratitude game using a spinner, dice, or cards. Each space or card could prompt a question or activity related to gratitude, such as “What is one thing you are grateful for about your family?” or “Draw a picture of something you are grateful for.” You can also use the 11 Gratitude Prompts FREEBIE for inspiration.

You can also connect gratitude with empathy and ask questions like:

• “What do you think your dad is thankful for?”
• “What do you think your teacher is thankful for?”
• “What is one thing that the president is thankful for?”
• “What do you think your grandma is thankful for?”
• “What do you think your dog is thankful for?”

4. Keep a gratitude journal

Encourage your child to write down things they are grateful for each day. Creating a homemade gratitude journal is easy – staple a few pages together, decorate the cover and make time each day for journaling. This can look like your kiddo telling you what to write, drawing, or making scribbles.

You can also make a family gratitude journal where each family member writes something they are grateful for.

5. Make a gratitude map with your highly sensitive child

Create a map of places your child is grateful for or likes. The child can mark on the map places where they’ve gone on holiday or towns where their favorite relatives or friends live.

6. Make gratitude bookmarks

Make bookmarks with expressions of gratitude. Cut a piece of cardstock paper into rectangular shapes (2 to 3 inches, no more than 6 inches long) and invite the child to decorate it using markers and crayons. Ask them to draw or write things they are grateful for (you can start the conversation using the 11 Gratitude Prompts FREEBIE). If you’d like to add a ribbon or yarn, use a hole punch to create a hole at the top of each bookmark. Encourage your child to use the bookmarks in their own books or consider gifting them to friends or family.

7. Give compliments and make compliment cards

Children can shift their attention away from negativity and towards more helpful thoughts and feelings by focusing on other people’s positive qualities. This can contribute to a more optimistic and grateful mindset.

Practice gratitude by complimenting family members, classmates, and friends. For example, a simple “You’re an amazing soccer player!” can go a long way. But remember, compliments should be genuine and not forced. Let your child decide when they feel comfortable expressing their appreciation.

Compliment cards are also a great way to show appreciation and strengthen relationships.

8. Create a shout-out bulletin board

A “shout out” bulletin board focuses on positive acts other family members have done. Leave note cards or slips of paper out for everyone in your family to write on. You should give a shout-out when someone is kind, for example, “Ben shared his toys with me today.” You can post these on the bulletin board as a constant reminder of how we show kindness.

Alternatively, you can post the compliment cards on your shout-out bulleting board.

9. Take a Nature Walk

Next time you walk in the park, feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, or admire the sunset, take a moment to think about how amazing our planet is and how grateful we should be for it.

As a mom, you have a lot on your plate. Between managing a household, caring for the kids, and possibly working outside the home, it’s no surprise that many moms feel entirely burned out.

Let me tell you a story about an exhausted mom. Sarah is a highly sensitive mom of two children, ages 3 and 5. She works part-time from home and takes care of her kids while her husband works outside the home. Sarah’s days are packed from morning until night with work and caring for her family. She often feels like she can’t escape the sensory overwhelm that comes with caring for two kids. She’s running on fumes and struggles to find time for herself. She’s constantly putting everyone’s needs before hers and feels like she hasn’t had time for self-care in ages. Sound familiar?

If Sarah’s story resonates with you, you may be experiencing what’s known as Depleted Mother Syndrome. Unfortunately, it’s a common experience for many moms and can be challenging to overcome.

What Causes Mom Burnout?

So, what causes mommy burnout?

Many factors can contribute to this condition.

One major contributor is the expectation that mothers should be able to do it all – work, take care of the home, and care for their children – frequently without outside help. That can lead to guilt and shame when you cannot meet those unrealistic expectations.

Another factor is perpetually postponing self-care. If you feel exhausted and resentful that nobody cares for your needs, it may be time to prioritize self-care and learn to say “no.” A highly sensitive person, especially, often has difficulty setting boundaries because of their high levels of empathy and compassion.

Then there’s perfectionism. Many highly sensitive moms may have perfectionist tendencies, which can lead to self-imposed pressure and stress. This pressure can be particularly intense regarding parenting, leading to burnout.

Another significant factor is emotional and sensory overstimulation. Highly sensitive moms may be more prone to emotional exhaustion due to their increased sensitivity to external stimuli – emotional, sensory, and social. Caring for babies and toddlers, in particular, can be overwhelming, especially if you don’t have outside help.

Related: How to Deal with a Complete Contact Napper

Feelings of isolation can also lead to mom burnout. About 70% of highly sensitive people are introverts. That means that most HSP moms don’t crave lots of social interaction. However, we need to feel that we belong to a community that understands and supports us. The parenting journey can be more challenging when moms don’t have a village, even HSP moms.

When our partners, family, and friends don’t understand mom burnout (“You’re a mom now. What did you expect?”, “You’re always complaining”), the feeling of loneliness can become even more overwhelming.

Suppose you experience mom burnout and have a highly sensitive child with a high need for one-on-one time, constant worries, frequent meltdowns, low frustration tolerance, or sensory sensitivities. In that case, your Mom Guilt may be skyrocketing. As a result, you may feel that you’re not enough or that you’ve got parenting all wrong.

It’s important to note that burnout is not your fault nor a reflection of your parenting. Instead, it’s a natural response to prolonged stress, and you must prioritize your well-being.

Lastly, our unmet expectations can amplify mom burnout. Yet our parenting journey is filled with moments when nothing goes as we hope. Like most moms, you may have often felt disappointed, resentful, under-appreciated, and unseen.

So, if you experience mom burnout, it’s high time you speak up for yourself.

Here are some tips for recovering from mom burnout:

11 Tips to Recover from Mom Burnout

Recovering from mom burnout can be challenging, especially for highly sensitive mothers. However, it is possible to recover and regain balance in life with the proper support.

1. Speak up

Asking for what we want is the first step towards feeling heard and living our desired lives. Don’t think of the first conversation with your family as the one that will be decisive. Changing your lifestyle to prioritize self-care is a journey and probably tricky if your children are very young. You may need to develop your ability to speak up, say “no,” and share your difficulties without blaming others. And it also takes time for your loved ones to embrace the truth and support you.

The bottom line is not to have high expectations when you broach the subject of burnout. And don’t hesitate to talk again and communicate your needs.

2. Practice mindfulness to recover from mom burnout

Too many times, we don’t know ourselves well enough, but we want others to fulfill our needs.

That’s why, to avoid resentment, we need to take time to discover ourselves. Practicing mindfulness is a great way to heal yourself because we learn to pay attention to our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations in a non-judgmental way. Moreover, mindfulness practice can help us develop self-compassion, which is critical for recovering from burnout.

Here are some mindfulness strategies that may help you with mom burnout:

Breathwork: When we feel overwhelmed or unsure of ourselves, our breath can anchor us to the present moment. A simple technique is to focus on the sensation of breathing in and out, perhaps counting to five on the inhale and exhale. That can help bring a sense of calm and centering, allowing us to access our intuition and inner wisdom.

Body scan meditation: When we feel disconnected from our bodies or caught up in negative thoughts, a quick body scan can help us tune back in. This technique involves sitting comfortably, bringing attention to each body part, and noticing any sensations without judgment.

Gratitude practice: Focusing on what we’re grateful for can be helpful when we struggle to find meaning. That doesn’t mean denying our challenges but cultivating a sense of appreciation for the positive things in our lives. A simple practice is to write down three things you’re grateful for each day, perhaps before bed or in the morning.

3. Prioritize self-care to avoid mom burnout

Forgetting the mental load, even temporarily, is essential to recovering from burnout. Practice self-care by engaging in activities that make you feel good. Here are some ideas:

• read a good book in your bed – not about parenting or effective time management and preferably when there’s no one in the house
• rent a hotel room by yourself for one night in a hotel that has a spa
• home spa session
• sleep in on Sunday morning, and ask your partner to plan and prepare breakfast
• take a long nap alone
• book yourself a massage.

4. Have a more flexible schedule

Highly sensitive people need a slower lifestyle. But that’s often impossible for parents without a village to lean on.  

One solution would be to have a more flexible schedule. Who says you have to go to the park every day? You can give your child extra screen time if you need to take a moment for yourself. It won’t rot their brains.

Likewise, another way of simplifying your routine is cutting back on children’s extra-curricular activities. Do you think that’s selfish? Think twice. Have you seen happy, emotionally rounded children raised by miserable, exhausted adults? Children need parents to model emotional regulation. But if you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, going from mom rage to mom burnout, your child might become as dysregulated as you are.

If your child also has frequent evening meltdowns, they might be struggling, too, so a lighter schedule may be what they need.

Another way to reduce constant overstimulation is saying “no” to social events you don’t look forward to. For instance, you may have to learn to say “no” to some family gatherings and parties that leave you feeling drained. If you are highly sensitive, you may not have enjoyed so much stimulation even before you had children. So, parties may be even more difficult to bear now if you arrive there exhausted from getting everybody ready and on time.

5. Lower the expectations

Highly sensitive people tend to be perfectionistic. While that may be helpful, it can also lead to anxiety and burnout.

Perfectionism and high expectations of yourself can be problematic because they make you self-doubt instead of enjoying your parenting journey.

If you feel burned out, it can help to see whether you have realistic expectations.

Instead of trying to be perfect, you might try to make today better than yesterday. Instead of letting mom guilt overwhelm you when you snap, apologize and move on. Your children don’t need a perfect mom; they need a happy and compassionate mom.

You’ll feel more comfortable prioritizing your needs over your children’s when you lower expectations and stop seeking external validation, especially from people who aren’t in your situation.

Related: HSP Parents, Let Go of Toxic Guilt Now

6. Get enough sleep

Getting enough quality sleep is particularly important if you are a highly sensitive person. HSPs have a more sensitive nervous system, and lack of sleep can make them feel overwhelmed and stressed, leading to emotional exhaustion.

To promote better sleep, you can create a calming bedtime routine and avoid caffeine, wine, and electronics before bed.

Try to aim for seven or eight hours of sleep each night.

7. Exercise and spend time in nature to recover from mom burnout

Exercise and time in nature are great ways for HSPs to reduce stress and improve well-being.

As a mom, including exercise and outdoor time in your routine can be challenging. There are, however, several ways you can do it, like:

• a quick workout before everybody wakes up
• involving the kids (family walk, hiking in the woods, hide-and-seek in the backyard, a dance party in the living room)
• joining a moms’ group.

8. Take short breaks throughout the day

Taking short breaks throughout the day is crucial for HSPs, especially for stay-at-home moms who may feel overwhelmed by the constant sensory and emotional overwhelm that comes with having children.

Examples of short breaks could include taking a few minutes to meditate, practicing deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a walk outside while the kids are napping or engaged in quiet play.

Even a few minutes of quiet time or focused self-care can help HSPs feel more centered and energized to tackle the day’s challenges.

9. Pursue hobbies

Starting a hobby (or even a small business based on a hobby) is crucial to reconnecting with yourself and finding a purpose outside the main caregiver role. Additionally, it can compensate for the lack of fulfillment in other areas of your life.

Highly sensitive moms are often creative and enjoy quiet activities that allow them to express themselves. For instance, they may enjoy journaling, writing, painting, knitting, playing music, reading, gardening, and scrapbooking. You can do these activities from the comfort of your home and on a flexible schedule.

10. Practice self-compassion

Be kind to yourself, and know that you’re doing your best and that you are enough.

Here are ten affirmation phrases you can repeat to yourself when feeling overwhelmed.

• I am doing the best I can, and that is enough.
• I deserve to take care of myself.
• My children’s behavior does not define my worth.
• I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.
• I deserve love and compassion, including from myself.
• I am allowed to say “no”, including to loved ones, and prioritize my own well-being.
• I am resilient, even in difficult times.
• I deserve to take time for myself.
• I trust my intuition as a mother.
• I am proud of the mom I am and the love I give my children.

11. Connect with other parents

Join a parent support group or connect with other parents with similar experiences. Mom burnout is more common than you’d think. Many moms struggle with feeling like they’ve lost their sense of identity due to prioritizing the family’s needs over their own. The constant feeling of being needed but not appreciated, being called a thousand times a day, yet not feeling seen, can lead to emotional exhaustion.

That’s why we need a village to understand and support us.

In this article:

Is your child the real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? A little angel at school and an emotional mess at home?

The good news is that your child doesn’t have split personalities.

They are experiencing after-school meltdowns. Specialists call it “after-school restraint collapse.”

And according to experts, it’s normal.

Think of it this way.

What if your child got lost at Target? When you eventually reunite, you hug, kiss and feel relieved. But then, that relief turns into anger (“How many times did I tell you to stand by my side?”) and frustration at your lack of control.

It’s the same for children after a day without their parents.

School can feel unsafe sometimes. Think of the confusing friendships, stern adults, bullies, and occasional fire drill routines.

Your child probably misses you when you aren’t there to intervene when a classmate makes a bad joke.

They would also like you to be there when they are unsure how to behave, so they act silly. But, then, the teacher draws their attention, and they must hide their embarrassment. All these challenges fill your sensitive child with helplessness and anxiety.

All in all, bottled-up emotions and effort to hold it together turn into anger and frustration when you two reunite after school.

What are after-school meltdowns?

School can be overstimulating for a highly sensitive child. There are lots of sensory stimuli and social-emotional learning. Kids with ASD, ADHD, SPD, anxiety, learning difficulties, and pathological demand avoidance have a tough time in school.

The signs of after-school meltdowns are:

• act younger than their age
• whining
• crying
• neediness
• rudeness
• hitting others
• throwing objects.

The good news is that after-school meltdowns ease during the school year as your child matures and adapts to the new routine.

They last up to the tween years but fortunately lessen gradually as kids develop more emotional resiliency.

Refusing interaction – also a sign of after-school exhaustion

The first words that pop into every parent’s mind when they see their child after school are, “How was your day, honey?”

If your child grumbles, “Go away! I want to be alone”, don’t lose heart.

Being pushed away can hurt if you have been missing them all day. However frustrating, your child shoving you away is another sign of after-school exhaustion. That behavior doesn’t have anything to do with their love for you.

The fact that your child directs their anger towards you is a sign that they feel safe enough to show you their big feelings.

So, instead of asking about their day, you could say,

• “I missed you today.”
• “It’s great to have you home.”

How can you help with after-school meltdowns?

1.Make sure your child gets enough sleep and eats healthy

Sleep and nutrition are essential. Without good sleep and healthy food, parenting tactics, worksheets, and fun activities won’t solve your problem.

According to research, a preschooler needs 10-13 hours of sleep, and a school-aged child (6-12 years) needs 9-12 hours, according to

Be sure to offer water and a healthy snack when your child comes home to eliminate the risk of having a meltdown because they are hangry.

Read more about food intake requirements here: 11 Tips to Help Your Fussy Eater HSC Eat Better.

2. Fill up their bucket in the morning

Yes, school mornings are hectic. But can you think of quick fun activities to introduce into your morning routine?

Here are our suggestions:

• Play the 3-3-3 game on the school drive. Say three things you can see, three things you can smell, and three things you can touch.
• Have a quick walk. Set the alarm clock 15 minutes early so that you have extra time.
• Repeat words of affirmation on your drive to school.

Be sure to give your child your undivided attention, whatever activity you choose. Also, don’t use the goodbyes to connect. Instead, it helps to make goodbyes short and connect before.

3. Let them have a tangible object to remind them of you

It can be a bracelet, a little note, a drawing in the lunch box, a picture of your family, a scarf with your perfume, a little rock you found on your last trip, or identical keychains.

4. Invite your child to let the big feelings out

Sometimes, no matter the games you play to connect, and the scripts you try, your child will melt down after school.

So, when nothing else works, invite them to let the feelings out. Pull the car over, clear the space in the living room, or stay with them in their quiet corner, and let your child know it’s okay to let their intense emotions out.

• “It seems you had a difficult day. I get that. And now, it’s time to let those feelings out. Would you like to talk about it?”
• “I see that you are angry about something, honey. Do you need a hug or do you need to cry a bit? Everybody cries sometimes. It’s okay. I’m right here.”

Your meltdown invitation should have no shame, blame, or consequences.

Your child might refuse to talk. Instead, they might whine or cry. What matters is that now your child feels you are in charge and that you are not afraid of their feelings.

A kid on the verge of losing control feels relieved when an adult steps in as a calm leader.

Moreover, talking about the meltdown before it happens makes you more likely to get through to your child. That is because the logical thinking brain will disconnect when the outburst starts, and the amygdala will take over. If that happens, phrases like “just breathe” and “use your words” become useless.

5. Keep a simple after-school routine to reduce after-school meltdowns

Sensitive children get a lot of sensory and emotional stimulation at school. That’s why keeping a simple routine after school can help them relax.

There isn’t such a thing as the perfect routine because we are unique. What’s more important is to have a predictable schedule because sensitive children thrive on routine.

Here are some suggestions for after-school calm-down activities:

• Offer a snack (give choices) and let your child enjoy some down-time.
• Take them to the park for a walk. Being in nature is a great way to relax the body and mind.
• Do yoga poses for kids.
• Ride the bike together.
• Short meditation together with your child
• Heavy work activities
• Spend time in the sensory or calming corner (together with you, if they ask).

6. Talk about school when everyone’s calm

You might be eager to ask about their school day, but your child might not be in the mood. That’s okay; they probably must let the big feelings tumble out first.

Talking about the school day after the meltdown might be better when they come to you, seeking connection.

If not, a simple trick is to invite them to play a fun game, “Two truths and one lie.” First, each participant says two true statements about themselves and a believable lie. Then, the others have to guess which one is the lie.

7. Model stress tolerance skills to reduce after-school meltdowns

After-work meltdowns are real, too! The bad news is that your child will likely follow suit if you catch yourself grumpy after work. Kids always do what they see us doing, not what we tell them to do.

If you notice you’re about to snap, try these quick mental grounding techniques:

• Notice five things around you (things that you can see, smell, hear or touch)
• Find three blue objects in the room (you can choose any color you like)
• Pick one muscle and squeeze it tight, while counting to five. Release and notice how you feel.
• Repeat a short mantra several times (“I’m patient. I’m peaceful.’)
• Take a few deep breaths.

You could also say, “I’m so tired. I’ve had a hard day at work. So, I’m going for a short walk. Who’s coming with me?”

Parent Scripts to Ease After-School Meltdowns

Here are some scripts that can help you reassure your child:

• “It’s okay to feel angry. I’m here with you.”
• “It’s hard going to school sometimes. School was hard for me, too, sometimes.”
• “Hey, would you like us to do something fun? Maybe play a board game or go for a walk?”
• “We are tied through an invisible string. So even if you can’t see it, you can feel it.”
• “It’s normal to feel worried about school. You can feel worried and still have fun. I’m sure you can handle this.”
• “Things feel tough. But you’re a good kid and I know we can figure it out.”

In this article, you’ll learn:

Before we begin, we’d like to offer you our Deep Breathing Exercises. These fun and simple tracing exercises can help you and your child manage anger, frustration, and other big emotions. You can use it as part of your bedtime routine to help your child relax before bed, or hang it in a calming and sensory corner of your home for use whenever needed.

My toddler’s behavior changed around the age of two and a half. It was as though somebody had flipped a switch in his brain.

Though we had a strong connection, he started to be aggressive toward the daycare children and me. He would hit me out of anger and scream after being told “no.” Also, he would push and pinch kids seemingly out of nowhere.

I could see that spending most of his day at daycare overwhelmed him. But then again, many toddlers attend daycare and don’t struggle with behavior issues.

Although I was aware that toddlers sometimes hit and bite, I still felt that my son was more aggressive than others.

I worried that I wasn’t the mom he needed me to be or that something was wrong with him. I didn’t know how to handle it anymore. What had gone wrong?

Then I had my lightbulb moment. My son checked all the criteria for high sensitivity. He had been an extremely fussy baby who slept poorly and was extremely attached to me. He wasn’t as independent as other kids when around new people and relatives we had not seen in a long time or when we visited new places. And he had difficulty accepting that things did not always go as planned. Instead, he was content and sweet when we followed his routine.

High sensitivity is linked to a higher risk of depression and anxiety in adults, so we had to help our son as soon as possible to prevent his behavior from becoming a long-term mental health problem.

First, we had to identify the main triggers. Here is what we found out.

Why are some toddlers more aggressive than others?

Toddlers misbehave when overwhelmed by challenging situations or uncomfortable emotions such as anger and fear. Unfortunately, that happens often, as many toddlers struggle with basic conversation and emotion regulation skills.

According to studies, toddlers aged 6 to 24 months show aggressive behavior more than twice a week. Hitting and throwing peak at about 18-20 months. Also, they are the most common aggressive behaviors among toddlers up to two years. Additionally, another study showed that physical aggression peaks between two and four years, regardless of gender.

1. Temperament

Highly sensitive, fearful, and inflexible children get into a fight, flight or freeze mode more easily. Introvert toddlers may react with a “freeze” response – they want to leave the playground when another child takes their toy, and they may dislike overstimulating and crowded places, like birthday parties or daycare. Others, who are more active and impulsive, hit, bite, push and become defiant when they feel overwhelmed.

Sensitive children tend to have a more inflexible thinking pattern which can lead to outbursts and aggressive behavior. For instance, imagine your toddler playing with a toy, and then you suddenly inform them that it’s time to leave. They might have an outburst and throw the toy at you because they had set their mind on playing and can’t switch to another mindset immediately.

If you think you may have a highly sensitive toddler, download our FREE Highly Sensitive Child Checklist:

2. Sensory overstimulation

Very sensitive children often find sensory stimuli like unexpected touch, loud sounds, strong scents, bright lights, and closeness to other people more overpowering and disturbing. Toddlers, however, are too young to tell us precisely what disturbs them. Instead, they react based on their emotions. And it’s difficult for them to regulate those strong emotions.

In addition, even mainstream toddlers are very reactive to their environments, let alone deeply feeling children.

3. Level of development

We typically overestimate children’s cognitive abilities while underestimating their physical skills. As a result, we tend to expect little children to control their impulses as well as adults. But think about how life feels for a toddler who has been on this planet for less than three years.

Toddlers explore the world by using their senses. They can go into overdrive occasionally, which may result in an outburst. In addition, during toddlerhood, kids realize that they have their own will, separate from their caregivers, and this newfound independence must be thrilling.

Also, toddlers don’t fully understand what happens around them. Not being able to control the outcome can make them feel anxious and retaliate.

And most importantly, young children are so egocentric that they believe other people can read their minds. So, think how upsetting and confusing it is for them when others don’t seem to listen.

Not to mention, toddlers’ limited language plays a massive role in hitting, kicking, and biting. Aggressive behavior usually peaks around one and a half and two –  at this age, toddlers have strong feelings but can still not express them through words effectively.

Moreover, the speed of development varies among children. Because of this, toddlers of the same age might exhibit a wide range of cognitive skills, like attention and language skills.  

4. Scary past experiences

Stressful experiences, like scary medical procedures, traumatic birth, or extended separation from parents, can make children enter a state of hypervigilance. Their stress response is always on, so their nervous system is in a raw and highly reactive state. As a result, these children are less able to regulate and are more prone to challenging behavior. If your toddler’s behavior prevents them from exploring the world around them and having healthy relationships, please consult a specialist.

More often than not, toddler aggression is normal and decreases by five. However, sensitive children tend to have more emotion regulation problems than mainstream kids. So, as parents, we need to learn early on how to handle challenging behavior effectively.

How to help your highly sensitive toddler when they hit

1. Remove your toddler from the situation

Removing your child from the situation is helpful because you prevent anyone from getting hurt, and your child can take a break. Use a warm tone and as few words as possible because your toddler can’t think logically when big emotions flood their brain. For instance, try to say, “I won’t let you bite” or “When you push other children, you can’t play with them anymore” in the same soft tone as you would say, “Let me do that for you.” Hold your toddler in a bear hug if necessary, and be kind but firm.

Then, find a quiet and safe space where your toddler can let all their anger out without hurting anyone else. Try to offer your support, and don’t leave them alone because they are too young to handle big feelings. Brace yourself for tears and screaming as your child releases their frustration. If you find it hard, think that your toddler “doesn’t know yet” how to regulate, and they “aren’t there yet,” but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them or your parenting.

You can even create a “cozy corner” where your toddler can decompress at home. It might have some pillows, stuffed animals, music, books, and sensory toys. Have your child participate in the design process. The more they feel they have a say in it, the more inclined they will be to use it.

2. Distract your highly sensitive toddler

Toddlers cannot refrain from hitting, then take a deep breath, and reflect, “Wow, I hit Mikey. I’m sorry, Mikey. I shouldn’t have hit you.” Self-reflection is challenging even for preschoolers.

That’s why distraction is a more age-appropriate way of handling the situation. As long as you are not using sweet snacks, distraction benefits everyone involved because it’s an effective way to prevent conflict escalation.

You might try to dive into your “silly mode” and use laughter and jokes to distract your kid. Being funny is a reaction your child isn’t expecting.

A quick and easy way to distract your toddler is to try kids yoga. Our engaging Kids Yoga Cards make it fun for both of you. With black and white designs, they’re great for coloring too. Plus, you’ll get a bonus poster for your calm corner. Turn yoga into a daily habit by incorporating these poses into your child’s morning or bedtime routine. Check them out!

3. Stay calm

Keeping calm is challenging because most of us have years of repressed emotions that boil up when our kids get physically aggressive. Moreover, it’s counterintuitive to remain calm when there’s hitting and biting because the perceived danger activates our stress response.

However, you can become a calm and safe presence by learning this simple grounding exercise: instead of snapping and shaming, take a deep breath and start naming (in your mind) objects that you see around you (like a chair, a laptop, pillows, your child’s sneakers, the couch, etc.). Naming objects activates the left hemisphere of your brain, which is the logical thinking part.

Another thing that can help you remain calm is realizing that toddlers’ acts of aggression are not vengeful or intentional (“aggressive” is not “mean”), and they are not a sign that you are doing something wrong.

In fact, your toddler’s misbehavior is the best opportunity for you to model regulation.

Related: How to Apologize to Your Highly Sensitive Child When You Say Things in Anger

4. Validate your highly sensitive toddler

Typically recommended language with toddlers (“You’re feeling angry right now, I can hear you”) can escalate a highly sensitive toddler’s reaction. Though they want to feel understood, highly sensitive toddlers may reject your loving attention.

If that happens and your toddler is verbal, we suggest you apply these tips:

• Start by saying, “Tell me what happened,” even if you already know
• Acknowledge what they wanted (“You wanted the red ball, and Mike took it.”)
• Use a “yes, and” approach (“Yes, he took the ball from you. And then what else happened?”). This tactic encourages your child to recall what happened, activating the brain’s rational side. Moreover, it shows your toddler that you are curious and want to help them.
• If your child says, “I want to kick her,” you can say in a neutral tone, “Hmm, no one likes hitting. I wonder what else you can do”.
• Ask them if they want a hug after they have calmed down. Or hug them anytime they ask for one.

If your toddler is not verbal yet:

• Help them tell you what happened (“You wanted the toy. You were mad at Mickey for taking it, and you bit him.”).
• Ask questions to encourage them to use words (“Am I right?”)
• Ask how you can help (“How can I help you feel better?”). Try to make suggestions like, “Do you want a hug?”
• Give space if they ask, and reassure them that you are there (“Okay, I see that you don’t want a hug. That’s okay. I’ll be here if you need my help.”)

5. Have the calm talk if your highly sensitive toddler is older (2-3 years)

Retell the story to help your toddler become aware of their behavior: “After you pulled Ava’s hair, she started to cry. It hurt her. She felt upset. She didn’t want to play with you anymore, and that upset you”.

Think of choices. “If Ava takes the unicorn you’re playing with, what could you do besides pulling her hair?” If your toddler doesn’t answer anything (this is very common), you can come up with ideas like asking the other kid to give it back, offering something in exchange, playing in turns, or asking for another toy. If your toddler is verbal, you can even teach them some short scripts (“That is my unicorn. I want it back please”, or “I want my toy back please. I can give you this one in exchange.”)

6. Journal your child’s behavior and your reactions

Where does your toddler start hitting? Home? Daycare? Or is it happening anywhere?

Suppose it is only happening in one setting. Could something about that environment (i.e., too crowded, bright, rules that your toddler is yet unable to understand) trigger the behavior?

When does your toddler hit? For example, right before bedtime, when your child is tired? Before a transition, like in the morning before daycare, when you have to leave the park?

Who? Is your toddler aggressive with just one person, with children but not with adults, or vice versa?

What happened right before your child became aggressive? For example, had another kid just snatched a toy from your child? Was it part of a chain of reactions (the teacher enforced a rule, your child refused, she gave him a time-out, and then your toddler became aggressive)?

Recent changes and significant transitions. Has a recent change disturbed your child and made them feel unsafe or out of control? For example: changing daycare, parents’ separation, losing a pet, moving to another home, a new sibling?  

Analyze your reactions. How do you react to your toddler’s aggression? What strategies have worked on your child? What methods have you tried and don’t work?

Related: The 8 Biggest Challenges Highly Sensitive Children Face and How To Overcome Them

What to avoid

1. Avoid shaming, blaming, and dismissing your highly sensitive toddler

Sometimes, you may need to impose limits and consequences to reduce toddler aggression. You know your child best.

However, try to avoid belittling, ignoring, or blaming your child when you impose a consequence. Those reactions can only hurt their self-esteem and make them even more defiant.

Also, avoid ongoing lecturing after the aggressive behavior has stopped. Responding with kindness and showing you want to help, not shame, is much more likely to reduce unwanted behavior (“You will remember not to push others when you grow older. In the meantime, ask me for help when you feel like hurting others.”)

2. Avoid consequences that rely too much on your toddler’s self-control

Giving repeated warnings is ineffective when toddlers hit others because they usually can’t control their impulses. So, instead of “If you hit your sister one more time, then I’m going to take your toy,” say, “If you hit again, I will give you a bear hug to stop you from hurting your sister.” Then, keep your promise. The longer between a behavior and a consequence, the less effective it will be.

Always following your promise will help your toddler understand hurting others is never allowed.  

When to start worrying about aggressive behavior

High sensitivity is a neutral character trait. However, if your toddler’s behavior prevents them from exploring the world around them and having healthy relationships, please consult a specialist.

Some highly sensitive children have sensory processing problems. For example, they might be sensory seekers and engage in reckless behavior if they seek vestibular or proprioceptive input (is your child “a daredevil” on the playground?). Alternatively, if they crave touch, they might get too into other children’s personal space and upset them, which can trigger a fight. Or they might be very sensitive to noise and become aggressive when sudden or specific noises bother them. These behaviors warrant medical attention if they happen for a prolonged time.

It’s age appropriate for toddlers to hit when they don’t get their way, especially with other kids their age. None of them have the communication skills or impulse control to do the right thing. However, frequent unprovoked hitting is a sign of a problem requiring medical help.