How to Apologize to Your Highly Sensitive Child When You Say Things in Anger

My father would occasionally lose his cool when I was a child.

He had a valid reason to be upset, such as a long day at the office, and I’m sure I contributed to his annoyance by complaining, making a lot of noise, or even arguing with my sister.

I can still picture his face turning crimson and him yelling, “Be quiet!”

I would run to my room and lay on my bed, feeling misunderstood or angry.

Now that I am a parent, as hard as I try not to, I yell and lose it sometimes despite my best efforts.

I can tell right away by the looks on my highly sensitive child’s face that I have overreacted. They either look scared, defiant, or hurt.

I also sense that I mishandled the situation from how I feel – for just a moment, it feels fantastic to yell or threaten, then in the next second, I feel remorseful.

But I also feel conflicted occasionally. Whenever my kid misbehaves, I ask them to stop multiple times before I eventually yell at them. I lose my patience because I expect them to understand a request. After all, they are in school; they are well past toddlerhood.

So how do you mend your relationship with your highly sensitive child after yelling? How do you balance expressing negative emotions and controlling your anger?

There are several things to consider.

Why Snapping Is Normal

All parents occasionally snap at their children, and doing so doesn’t say you are a good or a lousy parent. It’s just a fact of life. Raising your voice or losing it from time to time is inevitable because we are human.

I believe that the feeling of intense guilt that we experience when snapping results from our society’s expectation that parents need to protect children from feeling any negative emotions. But that’s toxic positivity. It’s not normal because humans have many emotions, including frustration, anxiety, and worry.

Moreover, raising a highly sensitive child is not easy, and you may snap more often. An emotional child is more susceptible to criticism because their shame gets quickly activated; hence effectively apologizing is crucial. Moreover, they are prone to emotional extremes – evening meltdowns, for instance, can ruin the mood of everyone in the house and put pressure on your relationship with your spouse. Yet, emotional outbursts are also an excellent opportunity for modeling behavior and apologizing for yelling.

Other challenges that highly sensitive kids have are inflexible thinking and low frustration tolerance. Their black-and-white thinking can cause problems with transitions, drop-offs, and new situations. Unfortunately, you may yell at your sensitive child when they struggle with these issues. But, again, knowing how and when to apologize is crucial for your kiddo’s self-esteem.

Fortunately, there are several tactics that you can try to learn how to apologize effectively and reconnect with your sensitive child.

How to Apologize to Your Highly Sensitive Child

1. Make the first step and ask your highly sensitive child if they are ready to reconcile

That can be as simple as “Can we hug?” or “Are you ready for a hug?”

Taking the first step toward reconciliation helps your kid release resentment and reconnect with you.

Some parents object to this tactic because they feel they cede control to the child, who might refuse to forgive them. Indeed, apologizing can be an embarrassing and humbling experience, especially if your child says, “Go away. I hate you“. However, you want to know if your child is not ready to forgive so that you can help them with their feelings.

If you find it hard to make the first step, you can use a little humor to diffuse tension.

• “Can we press the rewind button and start over? I can do it better this time.”
• “Can you erase what I said earlier with your big imaginary eraser?”

2. Talk to your highly sensitive child about your mistake

The most important thing is what you do after you snap at your kid. That is because a genuine apology from a parent is always a learning experience for the child. Additionally, the ability to apologize helps kids keep and repair strained relationships.

It’s best to take responsibility for your mistake clearly and concisely. You don’t have to over-explain your reaction; instead, you can say something like:

• “I’m sorry I yelled. I wasn’t being the kind of parent I want to be.”
• “I’m sorry for saying that. I wish I had been calmer.”
• “I’m sorry I yelled. I got annoyed, but it’s not your fault I lost my patience. I could have handled it better.”
• “I yelled, and I’m sorry if that scared you. I am under a lot of stress right now, but it’s my job to manage my behavior. It’s never a good idea to yell at someone you care about.”
• “I’m sorry I yelled at you about picking up your toys. I shouldn’t have talked to you in that manner. Next time, I’ll be calmer.”

Then you can explore strategies for calming down that you could have used, like taking a walk, taking a deep breath, or walking away from the conversation.

3. Take responsibility for whatever you can in a given situation.

Say, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to help you,” instead of, “I’m so sorry I didn’t help you.”

That way, you’re not blaming yourself; you are sorry you weren’t there. And taking even a tiny share of the responsibility will help your child step up and apologize to themselves.

4. Model tolerance for mistakes and reconnection.

Don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes. Our children learn primarily from us. If we blame ourselves constantly, they will learn to be their worst critics. But, if we try to reconnect quickly after an argument, they also know to focus on that.

Learn to tolerate your imperfection and vulnerability. Some of us find it hard to accept imperfection or vulnerability. So, we choose to keep our distance when we feel guilty for yelling at our kids. Yet, you can’t do that if you have a highly sensitive child. That’s because sensitive kids are usually introverts. And when they get upset, they retreat to their shells like turtles and are not likely to make the first step. So, whenever you are in the wrong with your child, the underlying message needs to be ‘I’m not perfect, but I’m here.'”

Here are some scripts to re-establish the connection:

• Start with the apology: “Sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to snap at you. Let me try that again. Here’s what I meant to say…”
• Make repairs: “Tell you what. We’ll get your pencils tomorrow morning when we go to the mall.”
• Make a plan for next time. Your child will learn much if you brainstorm acceptable ways to make amends (“What can I do to make this right?”) and discuss it without getting defensive. (“Next time, I will pause and take a deep breath to calm down” or “Next time I’m feeling angry, I’m going to take three big, deep breaths before I talk to you.”)
• Keep your promise. If a loved one hurts you repeatedly and apologizes every time, you will eventually stop believing the excuses. Apologies are meaningful if you know the person will make an effort to stop that behavior.

5. Apologize to your highly sensitive child, then reinforce the limit

Try to apologize for your behavior when you snap, but don’t apologize for setting appropriate limits. It’s our job to manage our own emotions, no matter what our kids do. Therefore, apologizing after yelling is essential unless you want your kiddo to imitate your explosive reactions (we know a sensitive child is prone to explosive responses). 

Here is an example:

Try to say sorry, “I was pretty upset earlier when you wouldn’t remain in bed, and I yelled at you. I apologize, and I promise I will try harder to stay calm next time.”

Then, reinforce the rule, “And you need to stay in bed when it’s time for sleep. How can we help you surrender to sleep more easily?”               

6. Say “Oops! Sorry” more often

You should consider apologizing if you behave in a way you wouldn’t want your child to act.

Saying sorry also includes saying “Oops” for minor mistakes that are part of life:

• “Oops! Sorry about that“.
• “Oops! Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that“.
• “Oops! Sorry, I forgot you wanted chocolate ice cream“.
• “Oops! Sorry I interrupted you“.

What To Avoid When Apologizing to Your Highly Sensitive Child

1. Resist the urge to blame

Many of us first apologize, then jump to excuses, saying the child was at fault. (“Sure, I yelled — but I asked you three times nicely to clean up your room before I started yelling!”).

We all know, however, that two wrongs (yelling and then blaming the child for yelling) don’t make a right (repairing the relationship). Moreover, when we make excuses, we might teach kids to blame others for their inappropriate behavior (“I’m sorry I hit my sister, but she snatched my notebook and scribbled on my drawing“).

Besides, we are adults, so it’s our job to be role models. Role modeling is how kids learn to apologize authentically and unprompted. So, if we want kids to know to express their anger and frustration appropriately, we need to model it.

Instead of,

“I had such a hard day at work. Then you got angry at supper, and I got frustrated, so I yelled. I know I shouldn’t have, but wait until you have kids who never listen; you’ll yell too!”

Try to apologize like this,

“I got frustrated, so I yelled at you. But that isn’t an excuse. No one deserves to be treated like that. When we get angry, it’s our responsibility to express our feelings without hurting others. I’m sorry.”

2. Avoid blaming yourself and show self-compassion

It can be tempting to criticize, blame, or shame yourself when you say something that hurts your child. But that doesn’t help anyone. So, rather than thinking, “I’m a horrible parent,” think, “What was I feeling like when I snapped? What was my trigger?“. Were you frustrated, disappointed, impatient, or angry? Then, give compassion to that version of yourself that behaved in a way you now regret.

Also, give yourself a time-out if you can. If your child is too young to be left unsupervised and you are the only parent present, try to play soothing music or take a few deep breaths.

Also, avoid making a big deal out of your minor mistakes. Otherwise, your child will learn to make a big deal out of their small mistakes. Highly sensitive children are more likely to struggle with toxic perfectionism and anxiety, so you must avoid overreacting to minor things.

3. Avoid invalidating your highly sensitive child.

If your highly sensitive child thinks it’s a big deal, acknowledge that, even if you share their opinion. Here is an example:

“I told you I would get you colored paper when I went to the store, and I completely forgot. I’m so sorry. I know you counted on me to come home with the colored paper.”

Why do parents resist apologizing?

Many parents insist their child says sorry to siblings, friends, or adults. And yet when we hurt our child, we often don’t feel comfortable apologizing. Why?

We fear that kids will take advantage of the situation. We sometimes justify not saying sorry by arguing that it will lessen the child’s respect for us. However, the exact opposite is true. Don’t you respect more people who take responsibility for their mistakes and work to improve things? Apologizing for your behavior doesn’t mean you let go of your family rules.

By apologizing, we admit that we have failed; that feels uncomfortable as it reminds us of past failures with our kids. The truth is that many parents feel uncomfortable apologizing, especially to kids. Parents are always right, right?

Apologizing brings up feelings of shame that we aren’t perfect parents. It makes us feel vulnerable and even humiliated. But by separating our actions from our identity, we can learn to apologize to our kids without feeling that the apology threatens our self-esteem.

If you snap frequently, try to get help.

You may need support if you find yourself lashing out at your kids often, and these intense emotions are a marked change for you. That could mean extra help with child care or seeing a therapist.

Now we’re curious about what you have to say. What is your favorite way to apologize and reconnect with your child when you’ve not been the parent you want to be? Please share it below.