Do you have a highly sensitive child? Here’s how to tell.
A few days ago, I was reading a new picture book to my kids at bedtime. There was a picture of a girl snatching a toy from her baby brother, who looked very upset. My eldest responded, “This is the saddest picture I’ve ever seen. How can the girl be so mean to the baby? That’s so unfair!”
That was one of the many instances that reminded me that my child was different than others. More compassionate, intense, and strong-willed.
A highly sensitive child sees the world differently than other children. Due to genetics and the environment, sensitive children see more details that they process more deeply. That means they can see problems through a unique perspective and find out-of-the-box solutions to common problems, but it also means that they are more prone to overwhelm.
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What is a Highly Sensitive Child?
All people are sensitive to what happens around them, more or less.
We should see sensitivity like a continuum, experts say. Most people are in the middle, and about 1 in 3 are highly sensitive. How sensitive we are depends on genetics and the environment, especially during the first years of life, when the brain develops quickly.
A highly sensitive child is a child who is more aware of emotions, theirs and others, and sensory input. That’s because a highly sensitive brain is wired differently – the brain areas related to emotions, empathy, and reading social cues are more active. Moreover, a highly sensitive child is generally more alert because their stress response activates quickly.
Because of how much information they absorb and because they process it more deeply, highly sensitive children may act differently than their peers and may want and need different things. For instance, highly sensitive children do better in quiet, slow-paced environments. That’s why a sensitive child may enjoy a walk in nature more than a crowded birthday party. Or they may like to spend their afternoon at home reading rather than doing sports.
Related: Highly Sensitive Child Guide (2022)
Is a highly sensitive child neurodivergent?
Experts view heightened sensitivity to the environment as a character trait, which doesn’t mean HSPs are neurodivergent. “For now,” some would argue.
What’s clear, though, is that, according to this brain study, heightened sensitivity is different from autism. So a child may be both highly sensitive and have autism, but that doesn’t mean that the two are the same. In addition, sensitivity is different from ADHD, too, according to research.
The thing to remember is that each of us has a unique nervous system. That means that people, children included, react differently to stimuli and different needs. But being different does not mean that you need to be cured. Instead of trying to “change” our children to fit in, we should appreciate inner diversity. Sensitivity is something to be explored, not something to be fixed.
To answer the question, “Is a highly sensitive child neurodivergent?” let’s say that high sensitivity is an example of neurodiversity. That way, we can honor sensitive children’s gifts and acknowledge that we must help them develop coping skills in overwhelming situations.
14 Signs You Have a Highly Sensitive Child
If you have a highly sensitive child, you are probably familiar with after-school meltdowns, emotional overload, and sensory overwhelm. Unfortunately, many of us come to believe that this is what defines a highly sensitive child.
But high sensitivity, like all personality traits, has pros and cons.
Let’s see 14 advantages and drawbacks of being a highly sensitive child:
1. A fast-paced lifestyle overwhelms a highly sensitive child
Most kids don’t seem to be bothered by the noise in the classroom, the smell in the cafeteria, and the fast-paced summer camp games. They also seem able to cope with multiple after-school activities, birthday parties, daily screen time, and movies like “Frozen.”
But those things might not work for a highly sensitive child. Sensitive children prefer a slower schedule, lots of quiet breaks on busy days, and less stimulation in general. For them, “less is more.”
2. A highly sensitive child has intense emotions
A sensitive child processes information deeply so that they may have strong emotional reactions, positive or negative. That’s why they need plenty of downtime. But when they can’t withdraw or are too young to realize when it’s time to take a break, they become more agitated, anxious, or worried, or they may become suddenly withdrawn or moody.
These behaviors signal that they must soothe their senses in a quiet place.
3. A highly sensitive child thinks deeply
Highly sensitive people are always on the quest for answers about the meaning of life. Likewise, sensitive children may ask you many questions about death, social justice, God, human nature, and the universe. They are more aware of the suffering in the world and feel much compassion.
For example, a child raised in a religious home may ask, “Why did God allow this school shooting to happen?” These conversations are challenging; what helps is to focus your child’s attention on what you can do to help (like donating to charities).
4. A highly sensitive child may dislike certain clothes and textures, noises, smells, and foods
A sensitive child may dislike sock seams, tags, and itchy clothes, and they can tell when you forgot to use the fabric softener. They may also struggle with season change because they hate wearing a long sleeve and a jacket.
They may also be sensitive to noise, smell, or touch and thus avoid large crowds, birthday parties, and the school cafeteria.
Of course, a highly sensitive child can also be a fussy eater because of smell and taste sensitivity. As a result, they might prefer simple foods without too much seasoning.
5. They have a rich inner world
Sensitive children process things deeply, so they have a rich inner life. For example, they may have several imaginary friends, may daydream, and can remember their dreams in detail.
6. Sensitive children dislike change
Change is highly stimulating, so sensitive children may avoid it and prefer the comfort of routines and familiar objects. Sometimes, sensitive children may avoid change because they’ve had negative experiences with new activities in the past or because they imagine what could go wrong – remember, they have a vivid imagination.
A child that dislikes change may wear the same brand of trousers – also due to sensory sensitivities. Similarly, changing schools or towns or going on a road trip can cause much dread because social, sensory, and emotional stimuli bombard their senses.
That’s not to say that sensitive children shouldn’t get out of their comfort zone. But when you need to change something in a highly sensitive child’s life, it’s better to make small, gradual changes.
7. A highly sensitive child often feels misunderstood
Many people in our society see sensitivity as a bad thing (“He’s too sensitive,” “She’s slow to warm up,” “Why doesn’t she greet us?”, “What’s wrong with her? Doesn’t she like parties?”).
Unfortunately, highly sensitive children are in the minority, and the fact that our society doesn’t value sensitivity makes it worse.
Because they are often misunderstood, sensitive children are extremely compassionate when they see others struggle.
8. A highly sensitive child is often “overlooked” at school
Sensitive children are often on their best behavior at school. They keep quiet because they don’t want to cause trouble and put much effort into doing “what’s right.” As a result, teachers may label them as “the perfect student” and overlook their need for quiet time.
As parents, though, we see that our sensitive children are total opposites at home. Their after-school meltdowns can often ruin family evenings and create tension between parents who are at a loss about what to do.
What happens is that sensitive children hide intense feelings at school, but they usually resurface at home, where the child feels safe.
9. A highly sensitive child is susceptible to criticism
How we use our words matters to a sensitive child. Small praises can have a considerable effect; harsh words can forever imprint on their minds.
Sensitive kids have a finely tuned nervous system, so they are wired to learn from mistakes from the first time. That’s why you don’t need to tease or be harsh. Otherwise, they’ll develop a deep sense of shame and start masking and building people-pleasing behaviors to avoid further criticism.
Related: How to Help Your Highly Sensitive Kid Manage Criticism
10. A highly sensitive child is exceptionally perceptive
Sensitive children notice many things that others miss. For instance, they may appear wise beyond their years. Unfortunately, that may make parents have lots of behavioral expectations. However, the fact that a sensitive child is perceptive doesn’t mean they are emotionally and socially mature. Moreover, sensitive kids struggle with emotional regulation and social requirements due to their strong positive and negative emotions.
Also, because they seem so wise, sensitive kids can become great confidants for parents. But try to pay attention to how much you share with your child. As we said earlier, the fact that they are perceptive doesn’t mean that they are emotionally mature.
11. Beauty, art, and nature have a profound impact
Sensitive children may hate loud noises but may spend hours listening to music they enjoy. Likewise, nature therapy can soothe their senses more than others – researchers have found that sensitive people feel more connected to the natural world than others.
What art and nature activities have in common is that they don’t involve time pressure. For instance, drawing, painting, singing, hiking, and gardening can allow us to meet personal goals without time pressure. Of course, many kids participate in art and outdoor competitions, but sensitive kids usually thrive when they do it for enjoyment rather than to compare themselves to others.
12. A highly sensitive child is deeply affected by conflict
Sensitive kids get more stressed when conflict arises between them and their friends. Given their tendency to overthink, they worry about not being a good friend, the meaning of friendship, and so on.
Partly that’s because they pick up on others’ expectations and needs so quickly and beat themselves up for being unable to meet them. Additionally, sensitive kids are more prone to self-doubt and beat themselves up for minor mistakes.
13. A highly sensitive child takes a while to warm up
People may label sensitive children as “shy” or “slow to warm up.” That’s because sensitive kids take a while to warm up when they haven’t seen someone in a long time and are hesitant with unfamiliar people.
Moreover, they don’t feel comfortable being questioned by strangers or being the center of attention, especially in a group where there are strangers. A sensitive child also doesn’t like meeting many new people at once.
While that may seem challenging, consider the bright side: sensitive children are cautious and considerate with others, ponder what to say, and open up only to people they trust.
14. A sensitive child is relaxed with people they know well
In a comfortable and familiar environment, sensitive kids are friendly, gentle, insightful, and proud of themselves. They feel safe expressing themselves easily and don’t need to mask their true self.
In their worst moments, they can be highly demanding, needy, outspoken, and can suck the energy out of their parents. That contrasts with how they behave among strangers, which often puzzles the family.
3 Tips for Parenting A Highly Sensitive Child
1. Believe your kid
When your child says that the noise is too loud, the room is too crowded, or the tags are itchy, validate their experience, even if you don’t feel that way. Sensitive children are highly attuned to their primary caregiver, so they start doubting themselves when you doubt them.
As your kids get older and start to understand more things, help them learn how to wait patiently when they’re in a tough spot that you can’t fix or that there’s a good reason not to change. Eventually, they will start to be more patient, provided they feel validated and understood.
2. Set clear limits on what you can do
Sensitive children tend to be demanding and act like “drama queens” when they focus on a sensory discomfort, are deeply upset, or hangry. However, try to impose limits calmly and put your child in charge of the situation by giving choices (“I see that you don’t like these socks. You can try these three new pairs, which we have purchased together. After that, we’ll have to leave for school.”)
Your child’s feelings are likely to erupt like a volcano, and they might say hurtful things, as they may not feel any empathy for your efforts to diffuse the situation. Nevertheless, try your best to contain the problem, and don’t blame your parenting or your kid for the meltdowns. Both you and your child are doing the best you can.
3. Teach your child about emotions
Being able to put a name to what they’re feeling helps sensitive children feel more in control of their emotions.
Additionally, taking them to a quiet place, away from stimulation, can help them return to calm more quickly. Then, as they grow, they can identify their emotions better and seek alone breaks independently. For example, a school-aged sensitive child may be able to play with other children and then retreat to a more peaceful place to play alone for a while.
Raising a sensitive child in a society not built for them is not always easy. But what’s important is to encourage your child’s natural way of being. When we accept our children for who they are and adapt our parenting style to who they are, they will thrive.
