Is permissive parenting sabotaging your child’s emotional health?
I used to hate setting limits: enforcing rules frustrated my son and led to meltdowns. Then, he would be angry at me, and I’d feel guilty.
My aversion to limits was due to how my parents raised me. They were strict and had high academic demands. So, as an adult, I couldn’t set healthy boundaries. I also struggled with low self-confidence.
I promised myself I wouldn’t raise my child that way.
I did not want my little one to struggle with low self-esteem. The reason is that my son is also highly sensitive, and HSCs frequently have this problem.
I also wanted my child to think for themselves. That is important in our society, where highly sensitive people are misfits.
But then, as my son grew up, he would go from 0 to 100 in a heartbeat when he didn’t get what he wanted.
I would often give in when he pleaded for more screen time or another toy. But that didn’t make his outbursts less frequent. Instead, he acted like he knew screaming and crying would help to get his way.
In a nutshell, he couldn’t tolerate frustration. And I blamed it on his emotional temperament and sensory sensitivities. So, we went to therapy, and I also did my research.
I soon realized that my son’s low frustration tolerance and emotional outbursts had a simple cause.
It was permissive parenting: I didn’t set limits.
Why didn’t I set limits? The main reason was that my parents hadn’t taught me to set boundaries lovingly. So, I avoided sounding authoritative because I did not want my son to feel unloved.
I felt guilty setting limits.
What Science Says about Permissive Parenting
Setting limits is an essential part of parenting a sensitive child.
Here’s why.
A longitudinal study following highly sensitive children at 3, then 9 and 12, found that nine-year-old kids were more likely to ruminate if they had permissive parents.
What is rumination? It’s when your thoughts don’t have an off button.
Children who ruminate fixate on the problem instead of finding solutions. That leads to behaviors, like aggression, whining, defiance, and emotional outbursts.
In the longer run, negative thought patterns can cause depression. Unfortunately, highly sensitive people are more likely to develop depression.
That’s why finding the right balance between empathy and limits is crucial.
The Effects of Permissive Parenting
In the beginning, infants cry because they have needs. So, setting limits is unnecessary because babies have needs, not wants.
Then, babies start to develop preferences. At this stage, parents don’t set limits because babies are unable to manage big feelings. But as they grow, babies push and push boundaries. Things get even more complicated when toddlers discover the power of “no.”
At this point, it helps to start differentiating between the child’s wants and needs. Otherwise, children won’t learn to tolerate frustration and manage uncomfortable feelings.
Here is what happens when parents feel uncomfortable with setting limits:
1. The parents give in to demands that have negative consequences
For example, if your child stays up late regularly, they will be tired and grumpy. Consequently, they won’t be able to manage everyday responsibilities like school, homework and chores.
An exhausted child is more likely to have meltdowns after school. And parents can blame it all on sensitivity. Additionally, the child’s self-esteem suffers because they can’t manage things as well as other kids.
2. The child doesn’t learn the difference between needs and wants
As children grow, they ask for a lot of unreasonable things. They also have unrealistic expectations. That’s normal. But they need guidance and explanations on why some things are not doable.
Unfortunately, it’s easier to avoid tantrums and meltdowns by giving in. As a result, the child does not learn the difference between needs and wishes.
3. Someone else suffers the consequences
Imagine your child (past toddlerhood) playing with kinetic sand in a sensory tray. At some point, they start throwing the sand out of the tray. In their imaginary game, there’s an explosion. Isn’t that exciting? Yeey.
Well, not for you. Most likely, you are the one cleaning up afterward.
We all do that occasionally. But cleaning up an unnecessary mess daily instead of imposing limits is not okay for neither of you. At some point, you’ll snap, so it’s better to prevent it by setting rules.
Moreover, not setting limits is not okay for the child either. They become self-centered instead of learning to see someone else’s perspective. Also, they don’t have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes.
4. The child may have emotional difficulties
When parents help children avoid negative emotions (for instance, by not setting boundaries), they transmit the message that having a bad mood is something unbearable or to be avoided.
So, a child who hasn’t learnt to manage negative emotions might spend their whole life avoiding them. That means avoiding risks, new experiences and cheating to win. Also, teenagers and adults who think that negative emotions are unacceptable or unbearable can develop unhelpful coping skills (dissociation, addiction, anxiety, and depression).
5. The child doesn’t learn frustration tolerance
Emotional children have low frustration tolerance. As a result, they can explode (have meltdowns) or implode (become withdrawn).
Permissive parenting can exacerbate frustration because permissive parents feel guilty about letting the child experience disappointment.
But a child who doesn’t experience frustration can feel entitled. They will think it’s your job to protect them from negative emotions. As a result, they might feel rejected when things don’t go their way. Because you can’t protect them forever, can you?
Also, not learning frustration tolerance means not learning to focus on solutions. And this is what emotional resilience is.
6. The child never learns self-discipline
A lack of clear boundaries can lead to difficulty managing impulses. But self-control helps us work hard for our goals, which is part of creating a happy life.
Besides, poor self-discipline can lead to excessive screen time and poor eating habits.
Children of permissive parents are also more likely to use drugs and alcohol, as they have not learned to make responsible choices and manage their impulses.
7. The child learns that happiness is about getting every wish fulfilled
Permissive parents believe they make their children happy if they fulfill their desires. So, the child will learn that happiness is about having your wishes granted.
But happiness is not about that. Instead, it’s about finding joy in the small moments, gratitude (can a child with permissive parents practice gratitude when they take it all for granted?), and having a growth mindset (can a child develop a growth mindset without learning frustration and patience?)
8. Kids need to know that their parents have a different role than they do
People often say, “Kids will keep pushing till they find the limits.” That’s true. Kids want to know someone’s in charge in this big terrifying world. Otherwise, highly sensitive children feel anxious because there’s no one to protect them.
9. Permissive parents let kids overstep their boundaries
A permissive parent may let their kid call them names or mistreat them. They might give in to screen time and postpone homework, even though, in the long term, these habits sabotage academic performance. These compromises make parenting a less rewarding journey for permissive parents.
Permissive parenting has negative consequences on emotional well-being and academic results. But it’s important to note that it is not the only contributing factor to the negative effects above.
How to Go from Permissive Parenting to Authoritarian Parenting
How can you set limits and ensure the child feels loved, too? The key is to set boundaries with empathy. Here’s how.
How to Set Limits with Empathy
Setting limits with empathy involves enforcing boundaries while being attuned to the child’s emotional needs.
When setting limits with empathy, you communicate your expectations clearly and respectfully. For example, you might say, “I know you want to stay up late, but it’s important to get enough sleep to feel rested tomorrow. So let’s make a plan together to make sure you get to bed on time.”
Setting limits this way can help your little one feel heard, reducing frustration.
How do you decide which limits are necessary?
Limits about safety, your child’s and others, are not negotiable. That includes limits around hitting, biting, kicking, and throwing things.
Limits about basic needs are also essential. A good night’s sleep, healthy nutrition, and fresh air are vital for daily functioning and focusing in class. That’s why it helps to have bedtime and meal routines.
Sensitive children are easily overstimulated, so they need quality sleep to recharge. Some highly sensitive children also have ADHD, ASD, or SPD, which are often associated with an imbalanced gut microbiome. In that case, healthy nutrition helps improve behavior.
Other rules are always work-in-progress for children, for instance not interrupting when you speak to someone else or cleaning up a mess. So, it’s best to keep in mind what is age-appropriate.
Moreover, harsh limits can trigger a fight or flight response. Stress responses, in turn, cause rebelliousness, defiance, anger, avoidance, and other tricky behaviors.
As you set boundaries, ensure you feel comfortable setting limits. While being an authoritative figure is not okay, you must still be the parent.
Why is empathy crucial for setting limits?
A strong bond helps put in place limits. That’s because setting limits without showing empathy feels like punishment or control. And no human, children included, likes that. In fact, harsh limits can trigger a fight or flight response – rebelliousness, defiance, anger, avoidance, and other tricky behaviors.
Too much stress can make it hard for the child to control their impulses and use helpful coping tools.
Instead, it’s easier when the child is willing to follow you. Children follow us when they feel it’s fair. That means empathy and collaboration.
Set limits on behavior, not on emotions
Not acknowledging an emotion doesn’t make it go away. Instead, it gets bottled up. Bottled-up emotions are at the core of depression. At times, those emotions bubble up to the surface, causing meltdowns out of nowhere.
So our job is to show kids we love them no matter what. That way, they will learn self-acceptance.
