Do you have a sensitive child and worry about their worries?
Most kids are easygoing. They are keen to discover new places, curious about new people, and eager to try new activities. They are brave but not daredevils, and you can easily calm them when unhappy. They bounce back quickly from disappointments and failures.
Other kids are more reserved and hesitant in new situations and with strangers. They are slow to warm up and easily distressed by unpredictable events. They take longer to recover when upset. These children are “highly sensitive,” according to Elaine Aron.
Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.
Another scientist, Jerome Kagan, referred to this trait as “behavioral inhibition.”
Inhibited children, according to Kagan, have an extremely active fear system and frequently form a dislike, which they remember for years after just a single unpleasant event.
For example, jumping on the trampoline for the first time and feeling sick can make them avoid jumping high in the future. Or that single time they got water in their eyes can make them scream whenever you wash their hair or at every swim class.
What makes a sensitive child anxious?
As your cautious and sensitive child gets older, they may avoid activities that seem complex, threatening, or physically demanding.
For example, your child is likely to steer clear of situations that:
- Are unfamiliar (and so unpredictable and perhaps scary), such as starting preschool and attending camp
- Require a lot of physical effort because physical activities can create unpleasant sensations in the body (like increased heart rate and muscle pain)
- Make your child feel physically insecure, perhaps as a result of a poor sense of balance (climbing trees, roundabouts)
- Busy and noisy settings because sensitive children struggle to block out irrelevant information
- Involve strangers, acquaintances, and family they see only on special occasions. Sensitive children are often withdrawn and refuse to talk to people they don’t know well.
- Reluctant to join in games with new children. They prefer to observe from a safe spot (like a playground bench or a tree).
According to research, some children with high Behavioral Inhibition are at risk of anxiety.
Fortunately, there is a lot you can do to prevent anxiety from creeping into your child’s life.
The first step is to know if you are inadvertently doing something wrong.
You will always know your child best, and it’s essential to trust your instinct.
But sometimes, the most loving and committed parents make mistakes because they apply tactics that are very effective in the short term and detrimental in the long run.
4 Little-Known Mistakes That Feed Your Sensitive Child’s Anxiety
1. Sticking to a routine obsessively
If you are the parent or tutor of a sensitive child, you have probably learned that routine is your best friend. Routine helps you have quiet in the house, avoid meltdowns, and set clear expectations for kids.
But while routine has advantages, getting out of the comfort zone is equally important.
A rigid routine can be damaging as your child gets used to not challenging themselves. So they won’t learn how to manage their fear.
Kids with more flexible schedules will be out there trying new things every day, while your kid will lag behind. This is especially true for physical activity and social interaction. In school, an overly cautious kid will initially expect to manage as their peers and get frustrated when they see that’s impossible.
Solution: Offer a broad range of experiences
Children who are encouraged to explore, take chances, and face challenges learn to cope better and control their tendency to withdraw.
The more diverse the experiences, the less likely your child is to face unfamiliar circumstances.
It’s best to start small: help your toddler to climb the ladder of a high slide and cheer them when they slide down, encourage them to climb onto the sofa alone, and play roughhousing together. By doing these things, your kid gets used to dealing with activities that they perceive as risky. They also get used to the mix of fear of excitement that comes with a physical challenge especially.
Moreover, let your child get their hands dirty, smear broccoli puree on their face, and eat with their fingers, so they will enjoy playing messy games in preschool.
Later on, when your child is older, take them on road trips, play dates, birthday parties, and send them to camp. Encourage physical activity and contact sports because they can boost confidence immensely. Playing sports also gets kids used to the mix of fear and excitement.
Maybe your kid will get overwhelmed easily. But their tolerance will improve with every new challenge.
Related: 10 Surefire Parenting Tactics to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Thrive
2. Supporting your sensitive child’s risk avoidance
Avoidance takes many faces: sometimes it’s obvious (your kid refuses to do something that makes them uncomfortable), and other times it’s more subtle (like when your kid takes ages to finish homework for fear of making mistakes).
It may also be helpful to think about whether you, as a parent, have supported your child’s avoidance. It’s understandable if you did. Parents often support avoidance for various reasons: they want to protect their children from destructive emotions, a lack of options, or simply exhaustion.
However, avoidance works only in the short term. In the long run, it feeds your sensitive child’s anxiety.
Let’s take an example.
Your sensitive child doesn’t like going to Disneyland because of the noise and crowds. So, you might 1) not go until they are older, secretly hoping they will grow out of it, 2) leave them home with grandma, or 3) take them with you and prepare for a meltdown.
The third option is challenging, yet it is an opportunity for your child to learn how to manage sensory and emotional sensitivities. For instance, a trip to Disneyland can show you that your kid can enjoy themselves if they have noise-canceling headphones and that haunted houses are not so scary if they hold hands with you.
The secret lies in managing anxiety, not avoiding situations that lead to it.
Related: 3 Crucial Rules To Help Your Child With Big Emotions
Let’s see another example: if your child doesn’t like going to the playground because it’s awkward for them to engage with new kids, it is easier for you to find other activities that your kid enjoys. Or your kid might even suggest other activities themselves (“Let’s go to the mall!” or “Let’s play soccer!”). But the truth is that you’re your kid will become more socially inhibited if they keep avoiding new kids.
Risk avoidance is not a form of manipulation. Instead, your child’s brain sends a warning message that makes them act cautiously. Whether you think your kid’s reaction is unreasonable is irrelevant because their anxiety won’t go away unless they learn that:
1) a warning message from the brain does not mean that danger will 100% materialize;
2) they can be resilient and resourceful and find ways to cope with the problem.
Solution: Don’t adjust your family life excessively because of your kid’s sensitivity
As a loving parent, you probably protect your sensitive child by avoiding what overwhelms them, adjusting the environment to their needs, and changing family plans to adjust to your kid’s sensitivities.
But, if you do that too often, your little one won’t discover that they can be brave and resilient and that the world might not be as scary as they imagine it to be.
Avoiding can only teach them that this is the default way to react in challenging situations. The more your child avoids what overwhelms them, the scarier the world becomes, and the more exhausting their behavior will be for everyone in the family.
So, missing traditional family fun because you’re afraid of meltdowns will not help your sensitive child or family in the long run.
Instead, do what you feel that’s best and prepare your sensitive child as best as you can:
- Discuss how it will be (on your road trip, birthday party, family Christmas visit, etc.)
- Talk about how your child can avoid overstimulation (taking short breaks, regular healthy snacks, keeping a good sleep schedule)
- Be prepared to provide short-term relief from stimuli (noise-canceling headphones, breathing exercises, short breaks for fresh air, and calming activities like drawing or listening to music).
Remember that sensitive children (who don’t have a diagnosis) take longer to warm up, but they rise to the challenge.
Related: How to Have a Fun Road Trip with Your HSC
3. Not being neutral about failed attempts
When they fail, cautious children with performance anxiety frequently have negative emotional reactions that may only feel as unpleasant body sensations (like a tummy ache).
The unpleasant sensation may not be obvious even to the child (especially if they are very young) but will lead to challenging behavior. For instance, a failure can lead to future avoidance or a meltdown in the short term.
Solution 1: React very gently to failures.
A sensitive child can feel so guilty when they fail that they can actually experience failure as a physical sensation. So, it’s best to remain neutral. For example, you can say, “Oops, that did not work. You can try again.”
You might be tempted to praise everything your child does to boost their confidence. But the praise loses its significance and no longer helps if it always happens.
Solution 2: Set clear goals and adapt so that your child feels confident they can do it
Maybe your child wants to avoid a specific activity at all costs, such as learning to swim.
In this case, adapt your expectations and set goals your kid thinks they can achieve. This will make them confident and willing to try (“We’ll go to the pool on Saturday, just you and me, no instructor, and I’ll teach you to put your head in the water, and I’ll hold your hand while you’ll do it“). From there, you can introduce new challenges gradually (“Then, next week, you’ll start swimming lessons. I’ll be with you all the time in the beginning.”)
Related: How to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child With Anxiety
4. Not giving an immediate reward
Yes, you read that right—immediate reward.
According to research, the brain releases dopamine when it expects a reward. That’s why success feels good.
Unfortunately, anxious children tend to miss out on this reward signal and may require additional external compensation to feel good about their achievement.
Solution: Give small and precious rewards.
- Brief verbal feedback. Say “Good job!” or get to your child’s eye level and ask for a high-five.
- A physical reward. It can be trinkets, marbles, pennies, etc. For example, a small coin dropped into a jar allows your child to see and hear his success.
- Act silly. You can play your antics if you need a more significant incentive. For example, each time your kid does something challenging (like going down a big slide or going to Santa to take their present), you can adopt a funny posture or make a funny face.
You might also take a photo of your child after their success (with the reward if possible). Then, you can show the pictures whenever they feel anxious to remind them that they can do anything they set their mind to.
References
Coll, C. G., Kagan, J., & Reznick, J. S. (1984). Behavioral Inhibition in Young Children. Child Development, 55(3), 1005–1019. https://doi.org/10.2307/1130152
Aron, Elaine, www.hsperson.com
https://news.mit.edu/2018/dopamine-brain-vigilance-anxiety-1107
