“Why does my highly sensitive child struggle to make friends?” This can be a distressing question for parents. When kids don’t have anyone to spend time with, it can be hard not to feel concerned.
However, take heart that making friends is a social skill that kids need to learn. Moreover, social behavior is the most complex human behavior, and even adults can have difficulty navigating the social scene.
Moreover, highly sensitive children (HSCs) can have additional difficulties. For example, they are generally slow to warm up, rebuke themselves for making blunders, and find it hard to talk to new children. To make it worse, they might build negative thought patterns if their inability to make friends persists for longer.
How a highly sensitive child ends up not having friends
There can be many reasons why children don’t make friends. But poor self-esteem and negative thought patterns can play a crucial role in deeply feeling children. Here are some negative thought patterns that might deter your HSC from socializing more.
“I’m not like other kids.”
An HSC is born with a different temperament from 80% of their peers, making them stand out in a group. Your child might think, “I’m not like them, so we can’t be friends,” or “I’m not as good as those kids at making jokes and playing sports. They have seen that so I won’t try to make friends with them. I won’t let them discover how weird I am, and they will leave me alone.”
What’s the worst scenario?
“They haven’t told me to join them, so they don’t like me. Those kids might dislike me. All the other kids, too. When they laughed at me, I just stood there. I froze. I didn’t know what to say. Anyway, they think I’m a loser. I have to get used to being alone.”
“I don’t know what to say to other kids.”
“I just sat there and didn’t say anything because I was afraid I might sound stupid. What if the kids laugh at me? What if they ask me something and I don’t know the answer? They’ll think I’m the biggest idiot on the planet. I couldn’t stand it. I’ll better wait and see if they talk to me.”
“I know what I must do, but I can’t do it.”
“I have to go and ask them if they want to play with me. But I can’t. As soon as I try to go there, I freeze, I start sweating, my hands tremble, and my tummy hurts.”
“This isn’t for me.”
“No, it’s not going to work. They don’t need me to play that game with them. Anyway, I don’t deserve it. I’d rather be alone. I like to be alone. I can do what I want, when, and how I want to.”
Challenge your highly sensitive child’s self-perception
A negative self-image can significantly affect self-esteem in the long term, so it’s crucial to help your HSC before it’s too late. Start by learning how your child thinks and what their worries are, and then help reframe with more balanced thoughts.
1. Identify negative thought patterns
Encourage your HSC to identify automatic thoughts. Start by asking your child why they think they can’t make friends and why they might not feel comfortable in groups. If they don’t know, encourage them to remember their thoughts when they are among peers. Then, ask them every day after school how they interacted with peers (for example, games they played, conflicts they witnessed, and group projects).
Have an older sibling or another adult talk to your HSC. Some children are likelier to listen to an older sibling, a younger uncle, or a grandparent. On the other hand, they might have a better connection to just one of their parents. In the end, it shouldn’t matter who helps your child as long as they improve their social skills and self-esteem.
Read books with your highly sensitive child. Sometimes books about friendship, shyness, self-esteem, and effective communication can help your HSC open up to you about their difficulties.
2. Help your highly sensitive child reframe
After identifying thought patterns, help your child gain a more positive perspective.
Bring counter-arguments that their self-image is inaccurate. Being highly sensitive and different doesn’t mean they can’t have friends. HSCs can find one or two good friends who understand their high sensitivity and don’t make fun of it.
Creating a journal. You might offer your HSC a journal to jot down or draw their thoughts. For example, your HSC can list the top three thoughts they have in a particular situation, then counteract these patterns with more balanced ideas.
Here are some examples:
- “I’m too shy” –> “I can actively listen to others.”
- “I’m not like them, so we can’t be friends” -> “What can I bring to the table that is unique?”
- “As soon as I try to greet those kids, I freeze and forget what to say” –> “I smile and say, “Hi, can I play with you?”
- “Others don’t like me” -> “Others don’t know me.”
- “I like to be alone” -> “Would I like to join a club where I can meet kids with similar interests?”
Rehearsing in front of the mirror. Rehearsing different gestures and lines in front of a mirror or role-playing with you might help your child get out of their shell. You can offer suggestions about their posture, when to smile, and think of what the other kids can reply.
Improve your highly sensitive child’s ability to make friends
Avoid stereotypes
Avoid getting yourself caught up in stereotypes of what friends are and should be. What matters most is for your HSC to get to know other people’s character and to learn how to treat others with understanding and respect. Moreover, your sensitive child needs to find out what they have to offer regarding talents, values, and shared interests.
Find new kids to meet
Help your HSC meet other children apart from their school colleagues and neighbors. For instance, ask them what clubs they want to join and accept volunteering for things that matter greatly to your family or your HSC (for example, green causes, ocean life, etc.).
Teach your highly sensitive child to let their guard down
Talk to your HSC about how they see themselves as a friend. Help them understand that some behaviors attract other children while others act like obstacles.
Here’s a list of questions to discuss with your highly sensitive child. It’s helpful to go through this list of questions every time your HSC struggles with friendships to find together what needs improvement.
- I actively listen to my friends.
- I show other kids I like that I like them.
- I apologize when I hurt a friend.
- I share my things with my friends.
- I keep my promises.
- I help others.
- I give back what I have borrowed.
- I accept constructive criticism from my friends.
- I show empathy to my friends when they are upset.
- I boast in front of my friends about my talents and my grades.
- I say insensitive things to my friends.
- I make fun of my friends in front of other people.
Teach your highly sensitive child how to react to jokes
Everyone likes a good joke, but it is not so fun when it is on you. The problem is that highly sensitive people get easily offended or don’t know how to react and freeze.
So, remind your kid that feeling offended is a choice. Instead of feeling insulted, it’s best to laugh it off and assume the best for others (perhaps the kid making the joke didn’t know how sensitive your HSC is about a particular subject).
Also, sometimes we make jokes to lighten the mood, so teach your child to consider the setting. HSCs are good at picking up the atmosphere, so it shouldn’t be hard.
