Being a highly sensitive parent is no small feat. Like most moms of two young kids under five, I felt overwhelmed most of the time. But when my baby would wake up shrieking after a twenty-minute nap and my three-year-old son would scream about his face getting wet during bath time, I’d have my meltdown.
If my son was frustrated, he cried. Tired, he screamed. Hungry, he yelled. I tried cajoling, distracting, and begging to stop so that he wouldn’t wake up the baby. But, it wasn’t a short outburst that a popsicle could soothe.
My children’s constant irritability, clinginess, noise, and toys drained me. I dreaded the hours until my husband came from work so that I could hide in the bathroom.
I tried giving my kids the best, but they brought out the worst in me.
But everything changed the day I came across Dt. Elaine Aron’s “The Highly Sensitive Person.”
It felt like home.
At first, the expression “highly sensitive” made me think of someone too self-centered. However, as I read the book, I found myself in it. Was I overwhelmed by constant noise? Check. Too emotional? Check. Did I feel drained after too much social interaction? Totally.
Although I had been coping well with my high sensitivity before I had kids, the demands of parenting had changed my entire life. And now, I needed to find new ways to recalibrate.
Here is what I learned.
1. Getting enough sleep is crucial for a highly sensitive parent
Numerous studies have shown that sleep deprivation makes us moodier and slows our brains’ information processing speed. Moreover, according to a study published in 2022, a lost night’s sleep can impede us from accurately interpreting emotions on someone’s face.
In a 2021 study, researchers concluded that highly sensitive individuals process information while they rest. Thus, they integrate information about recent events during sleep.
And while sleep is paramount to everyone, it is crucial for highly sensitive parents. Good sleep allows you to be “on” for your children on the following day and, at the same time, self-regulate your emotions.
But, it’s hard getting quality sleep with two kids under five. My main challenge was that I couldn’t get back to sleep after the baby’s night feedings. So, after trying various methods, I learned to prioritize sleep with these straightforward tips.
| Simple tips to help you get quality sleep: |
| 1. Eliminating caffeine after 2 pm |
| 2. Watching calm TV shows or reading after putting the kids to sleep for the night |
| 3. Investing in a top-notch mattress and air purifier |
| 4. Ten-minutes meditation before sleep. |
2. Eating regular meals
Regular meals are a must for me, as a highly sensitive parent. Healthy food keeps my blood sugar in check. Otherwise, I become irritable and anxious if my blood sugar gets low. For me, the term “hangry” applies 100%.
Additionally, motherhood has turned me into a dark-chocolate lover. Did you know that a square of dark chocolate per day reduces stress and improves brain function? So it sounds like the best treatment for “mommy brain,” right?
3. Time alone is a must
Constant noises and pungent smells (“Hmm, I wonder what’s that thing that shrieks and smells badly? What, it’s my baby!”) trigger highly sensitive parents. For instance, my baby wheezing during sleep made me wish to isolate myself in a quiet room. Likewise, two little people that needed me simultaneously and urgently felt like somebody had invaded my personal space.
A highly sensitive parent gets overstimulated quickly. That’s a fact.
So, as soon as my baby started waking up only one time at night, I went to sleep later. That way, I had a solid hour to myself for showering, then drinking some wine and watching a show or reading. Solo time made me feel like myself before having children.
Related: Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child: Have You Ever Felt You’re Rewarding Bad Behavior?
Then, when I enrolled my three-year-old in preschool, things improved further. Finally, I would have a two-hour alone time during the baby’s afternoon nap. Yay!
4. A simple schedule works best
I can’t be one of those moms who catch up with cleaning and laundry while the baby naps. And even on weekends, I recharge my batteries while the baby naps and my toddler is busy with a puzzle or watching a cartoon.
Moreover, as a highly sensitive parent, I am not a fan of many extracurricular activities. With a baby, the logistics are too overwhelming. But, as they grow, I am sure to encourage extracurriculars if the kids are interested.
For now, I’m enjoying the benefits of some flex-time each day.
5. Taking short breaks during the day prevents burnout
Around 4 pm, after the baby’s nap, my house is a mess, and my toddler jumps on the couch or bangs pans in the kitchen. As you can imagine, I’m ready to burst.
So, I know it’s time to reduce stimuli. And one way is getting outside because nothing’s better than fresh air. If it rains but I need a break, it means screen time for my oldest and sensory play for the baby.
6. Spending time in nature makes HSPs better parents
As a highly sensitive parent, too much indoor time overwhelms me. Unfortunately, there are lots of overstimulating things at home: the living room full of toys, stagnant air, cooking smells, a neighbor repairing something, artificial lighting, and last but not least, screens.
So I need to unplug.
Going into nature with the kids improves our mood significantly. My mind clears when I leave the distractions inside. The soft breeze on my cheek gives my brain a reboot. And a walk in the woods, in the park, or a nature study makes all the difference.
7. Learning to set boundaries is essential for self-care
Conflict makes a highly sensitive parent extra anxious. It’s because it adds to the pressure that the parent already puts on themselves to do everything perfectly.
Fighting with my partner and struggling with my kids’ loud demands has left me feeling defeated more than once. Because of this, I used to keep my feelings to myself to avoid further stimulation.
However, not setting healthy boundaries made me resentful. But I didn’t want frustration and anger to define me.
Only when I performed some soul-searching did I realize that I always felt I had to do something extra when I could not. The worst part was that, ultimately, I was the one to blame.
Therefore, I learned to stand my ground on matters that were non-negotiable to me. And now, I know to be assertive without being aggressive.
8. Teaching self-regulation skills to our kids is good for us, too
Meltdowns are deeply troubling for highly sensitive parents. So often, we feel our children’s emotions as our own.
As a result, some parents need to go to a separate room to cool down. Nevertheless, this strategy has never worked in our house. I feel extreme guilt for not being there for my children.
Consequently, I remain in the same room with my children and practice self-regulation. We use time-ins, give hugs and acknowledge feelings. Seeing them settle down calms me. To be sure, meltdowns have become shorter and less intense.
Can Highly Sensitive People Be Good Parents?
Yes. A highly sensitive parent has some key strengths:
- Cautious. They pause and consider their reactions when faced with kids’ challenging behavior.
- Conscientious. A highly sensitive parent takes a lot of trouble to do things right, at the risk of getting overwhelmed.
- Self-aware. Self-awareness comes with better listening skills, self-control, and a willingness to self-improve.
- Attuned. A highly sensitive parent is a natural at seeing beyond kids’ negative behaviors.
All things considered, parenting is like riding a rollercoaster, whether you’re a highly sensitive parent or not, whether you have a new baby or five children. And, despite the difficulties, I’m glad to be a highly sensitive parent.
References
- V Vien Lee, Rachel Schembri, Amy S. Jordan, Melinda L. Jackson, The independent effects of sleep deprivation and sleep fragmentation on processing of emotional information, Behavioural Brain Research, Volume 424, 2022, 113802, ISSN 0166-4328, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bbr.2022.113802. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0166432822000705)
- Acevedo B, P, Santander T, Marhenke R, Aron A, Aron E, Sensory Processing Sensitivity Predicts Individual Differences in Resting-State Functional Connectivity Associated with Depth of Processing. Neuropsychobiology 2021;80:185-200. DOI: 10.1159/000513527
- Santiago-Rodríguez E, Estrada-Zaldívar B, Zaldívar-Uribe E, Effects of Dark Chocolate Intake on Brain Electrical Oscillations in Healthy People. Foods. 2018;7(11):187. Published 2018 Nov 8. DOI:10.3390/foods7110187
