Did you imagine parenting to be much easier?

Do you worry that you’re a bad mom?

If you are overwhelmed by parenting, know that you are not alone. According to Pew Research, about 41% of people say raising kids is tiring, and about 1 in 3 parents say that parenting is stressful all or most of the time.

Parenting is even more tiring if you also have a child who is easily frustrated and melts downs seemingly out of nowhere.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.

A lot of parental stress involves us feeling guilty that we have failed our kids and doubting our parenting style. But remember that perfect parents don’t exist and that this quest for perfection is harmful to our mental health. Moreover, a parent struggling with mental health issues, like burnout, anxiety and depression, can’t help a dysregulated child.

What happens if you‘re overwhelmed by parenting and you ignore your needs

Mom burnout can lead to depression and anxiety.  It can also make us yell more at our kids and not be as patient. If you are overwhelmed by parenting, slowing down and taking care of yourself is essential.

5 Strategies To Remain Calm Through a Meltdown

1. Change your perspective: tricky behaviors are signs of an unmet need

The way we see bad behavior shapes how our children behave.

When your child has a meltdown, it’s not because they’re being bad or because you’re a bad parent. It’s because they’re feeling overwhelmed, either emotionally or sensory-wise. Unlike tantrums, which are intentional behaviors, meltdowns are involuntary reactions to overload.

Meltdowns are a way for more sensitive children to express their intense emotions. It’s crucial to understand that your child isn’t trying to give you a hard time; they’re genuinely struggling to cope with overwhelming emotions.

Sensitive kids also have lots of outbursts (which are not necessarily meltdowns) out of sheer frustration and because they can’t handle disappointment. If we understand that their outbursts are a way of communicating unmet needs, we can help them express themselves in a more healthy way.

For example, instead of taking away privileges when a child is acting out, we can help them calm down by teaching them coping strategies (when they are calm) like taking a break, listening to music, or hugging a stuffed animal. When we show our children that we care about their feelings and want to help them, they’re more likely to learn how to manage frustration and disappointment in a healthy way. And as they learn to do this, they’re also more likely to become more cooperative and less likely to have outbursts.

The bottom line is that our kids’ meltdowns are not a sign of bad parenting. Remember that next time you feel overwhelmed by parenting a sensitive or differently wired kid.

2. Focus on yourself not on stopping the meltdown

Our role is to remain a kind and calm leader. How can you do that when you feel overwhelmed by parenting an explosive child?

One way is to shift the focus from what’s happening around you to yourself. Your job is not to stop the meltdown but to remain kind and calm throughout the meltdown.

When you feel like you’re about to burst, ask yourself these three questions (you may not be able to do this the first time, but the more you try, the better you’ll become):

#1. How will I feel about this problem tomorrow? Next week? Next year?

Our struggles nearly always ease with time. The sun always comes up tomorrow, as they say.

#2. Is this problem permanent?

A lot of children outgrow their meltdowns. But if you have a highly sensitive child, perhaps with a neurodivergence diagnosis, then your child will probably not outgrow their strong emotions on their own. But with your help, they can learn healthy coping skills to deal with those feelings. That means that their meltdowns will eventually reduce with the right help.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed by your child’s meltdowns, remember the power of “yet”:

• “My child hasn’t yet learned how to cope with their big feelings.”
• “I haven’t yet learned to remain calm during meltdowns.”

#3. Am I or my child in real danger?

Our brains are programmed to react instantly to danger. It’s how we survived when there were real threats around. But in the modern world, there are fewer real dangers. So when you feel overwhelmed by something, take a deep breath and think about if it’s really a problem or if it’s just in your head. If it’s a problem, break it down into smaller parts. You can deal with some parts now and some another time.

3. Don’t add more stimulation

When highly sensitive kids feel overwhelmed, they usually need a quiet place to calm down. If their room is sensory-friendly, that’s perfect. If not, find a quiet spot away from distractions. Instead of asking them open-ended questions like “What’s wrong?”, try more supportive ones like “Do you want a hug?” or “Can I sit here with you?”.

Open-ended questions can be overwhelming, so it’s better to focus on connection and to use short “yes/no” questions.

Don’t try to control the situation; let it happen. This will help you stay calm and take the pressure off your child. Be kind and let them know you love them and want to be there for them.

4. Connect the way your child wants and needs

Try to offer support throughout the meltdown the way your child wants and needs: some kids want hugs and kisses to co-regulate, while others want space.

If your child tells you to go away during the meltdown: Sensitive kids internalize often and may avoid talking about their feelings because they are so big and overwhelming. Showing empathy (“How are you feeling, buddy? You seem upset.”) doesn’t always work with these kids. How can you get through to them?

If this is your child, try this: share a personal story that resonates with their current experience (“I remember when I was [child’s age], this thing happened to me….”). Tell them how you coped with that challenge and how it helped you grow. Let your child lead the conversation and avoid making any reference to their experience unless they want to open up.

A quick tip: Do something relaxing together, and then start the conversation. You might try drawing, baking, working on a puzzle, or taking a walk.

5. Give yourself space to express your feelings, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by parenting a sensitive kid

Having to deal with our child’s big feelings and remain calm is hard. Remember that writing, drawing, and painting are powerful ways to cope with stress. Once your feelings are on paper, they don’t seem so overwhelming, like when they were just random thoughts in your mind. Moreover, reviewing your old journal entries or drawings is a great way to reflect on how much you’ve accomplished along the way.

There are many ways in which we can express our feelings, besides writing and journaling: some people like sports, spending time outdoors, playing with a pet, doing yoga, playing video games, or doing volunteer work. We are unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all calming strategy for an overwhelmed parent. Just remember to take it slow and find ways to release tension in a healthy way. You’ve got this!

Parenting is a roller coaster of emotions, that’s for sure. One minute, you’re pulling your hair out, trying to get your kids out the door, and the next, you’re cracking up at their hilarious antics. But some parents take this emotional rollercoaster to another level, bursting into tears during a hug, showering their kids with praise for good grades, and then flipping out over a messy room the same day.

Many parents don’t realize that their parenting style makes their kids feel like they’re walking on eggshells. They don’t deliberately choose to be this way; it’s just their natural inclination. Eggshell parenting often stems from their upbringing and unresolved issues, causing them to react emotionally rather than respond thoughtfully.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our “Things To Remember” Poster. This poster can help your child build a positive mindset and boost their self-confidence. You can hang it in your calm corner, classroom or therapy office.

What is eggshell parenting?

Eggshell parenting is when a parent’s unstable moods and outbursts make a child feel constantly on guard to avoid triggering their parent’s emotions. This creates a tense and insecure environment where kids feel like they’re walking on eggshells.

Eggshell parents are unpredictable and have a push-pull attachment style. They can go from being happy and cheerful to explosively angry in a matter of seconds, sometimes even in front of the kids. Moreover, they are conditionally supportive and loving, making children hypervigilant and highly sensitive to criticism and rejection.

The eggshell parenting style can be harmful for deep-feeling kids or neurodivergent kids (for instance, many children with ADHD are highly sensitive to perceived rejection).

Learning to manage your emotions as a parent takes lots of practice, but the rewards are immense.

What kind of parents are more likely to become eggshell parents?

Parents struggling with mental health challenges are more prone to eggshell parenting. Mental health issues like severe anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder can make it hard for parents to manage their emotions, which can affect their kids. Personality disorders like narcissism or borderline traits can also have a similar impact. These health issues can make it challenging for parents to respond calmly to everyday situations and demands, especially when they’re already feeling overwhelmed.

In addition, parents who have been through challenging experiences, are dealing with substance abuse issues, or grew up in households with eggshell parenting are more likely to adopt similar patterns.

Related: 8 Secrets for Surviving When You’re a Highly Sensitive Parent

Eggshell parenting versus occasional angry outbursts

Everyone messes up sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you’re an eggshell parent. The difference lies in the child’s constant exposure to the parent’s volatile emotions. These erratic patterns are the norm in an eggshell parenting environment, not isolated incidents.

How does eggshell parenting affect highly sensitive children and neurodivergent children?

Eggshell parenting may have severe consequences for the emotional well-being of sensitively wired children, neurodivergent or not. Here are some of the key effects:

• Hypervigilance. The constant uncertainty about their parents’ reactions forces deep-feeling kids to be on high alert, constantly scanning the environment for threats. This state of alertness can lead to constant hypervigilance, which, in turn, causes emotional meltdowns or shutdowns.
• Sensitivity to criticism and rejection. Sensitively wired children often struggle with emotional regulation, and due to how their brain is wired, they are extra sensitive to rejection and criticism. That’s why eggshell parenting can have a devastating effect on their self-esteem.
• Suppressed feelings. To avoid triggering their parents’ mood swings, kids may bury their own emotions. Bottling up feelings can hinder their ability to identify, express, and manage their emotions effectively. Ultimately, it can lead to emotional meltdowns or shutdowns.
• Deep-seated insecurity. Unpredictable parents can create a deep sense of insecurity in children, especially highly sensitive and neurodivergent ones, who are extra sensitive to rejection. They may question their self-worth and doubt their ability to please their parents, leading to low self-esteem and a fragile emotional foundation.
• Lack of independence. Eggshell parenting often involves excessive control, hindering kids’ development of independence and self-reliance. The constant need to appease their parents can prevent them from taking initiative, solving problems, and making decisions for themselves.
• Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Kids who grow up in a home where their parents are emotionally volatile are more likely to develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). This is because they constantly have to deal with the emotional turmoil of their parents. C-PTSD can come with a range of symptoms, such as anger, resentment, and distrust towards others, as kids may fear developing similar unhealthy relationships in their own lives.

How do you break out of eggshell parenting?

If this sounds like your parenting style, or if you recognize these behaviors in your partner, know that you’re not alone. Many of us were raised by eggshell parents and don’t want history to repeat itself. Fortunately, there are several ways to break the cycle:

1. Work on your emotional self-awareness

The first step is to recognize the signs and acknowledge that it’s not healthy. One way to see if you’re an eggshell parent is to ask yourself questions like:

• “Have I ever been told I’m unpredictable or difficult to be around?
• “Do I struggle to maintain a consistent mood or tone of voice when something doesn’t meet my expectations?”
• “When something happens, even relatively minor, do people worry about how you will react?”
• “Do I struggle to maintain a consistent mood or tone of voice with my children?”
• “How often do I lash out in anger or frustration, on average per day?”
• “Have I ever lost or damaged relationships due to my unpredictable or volatile behavior?”
• “Did I feel like I had to tread carefully around my parents, afraid of saying or doing anything that might set them off?”
• “Did I develop low self-esteem or a sense of insecurity, feeling like I was never good enough?”
• “Did I struggle to form healthy relationships with others, afraid of being hurt or rejected? “
• “Did I develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse or emotional detachment, to deal with the emotional turmoil of my childhood? “
• “Do I still feel the effects of eggshell parenting in my adult life, even if I no longer live with my parents?”

2. Own your mistakes and make repairs

When you’ve acted in a way that has upset or hurt your child, take responsibility for your actions and make repairs. Show them that you understand that you hurt their feelings. You may also want to explain that all emotions are welcome and valid, but not all behaviors are okay.

Here are some specific examples of how to own your mistakes and make repairs with young children:

• After yelling at your child for dropping their toys, acknowledge your outburst and apologize. Explain that you were angry but that it was not okay to raise your voice. Explain how you’ll try to handle the situation differently in the future.
• If you’ve been impatient with your child’s questions or requests, apologize. Explain that you value their questions and want to be patient but that sometimes you get frustrated.

Try to be consistent in your efforts to manage your emotions and make amends with your child. Over time, your child will see that you are doing your best.

3. Practice mindfulness and breathing techniques

Incorporating mindfulness and deep breathing techniques into your daily routine can significantly reduce emotional volatility and help you manage anger effectively. Here are some practical strategies for integrating these practices into your life:

• Start small: Don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to practice for long periods initially. Begin with 5-10 minute sessions, gradually increasing the duration.
• Find a quiet space: Dedicate a specific time and place for your mindfulness or deep breathing practice. This could be a quiet corner in your home, a park bench, or even your car before heading to work.
• Observe your thoughts without judgment: As thoughts arise, simply accept them without getting caught up in them. Treat them as passing clouds in the sky.
• Practice deep breathing exercises: Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose, filling your abdomen. Exhale slowly through your mouth.
• Practice guided meditation: Utilize guided meditation apps or recordings to guide you through mindfulness exercises. These can provide a structured approach and help you stay focused.
• Engage in mindful activities: Incorporate mindfulness into everyday activities like walking, showering, or brushing your teeth. Focus on the sensations and details of the task at hand.
• Recognize your triggers: Identify the situations, people, or emotions that often trigger your emotional reactivity. This awareness can help you anticipate and prepare for potential outbursts.
• Step away when needed: Take a break to disengage from the situation when your emotions escalate. Step away from the person or activity that triggered you and go to a quiet place to calm down.

You can practice mindfulness and deep breathing together with your child as a way to spend quality time together and strengthen your connection. If you’re not sure where to start, have a look at our Deep Breathing Exercises. You can print them as cards and add them to your child’s coping skills toolbox, or you can print them as posters and hang them in your room or calm corner. Have a look:

Another great way to rebuild your connection and also relax your mind is yoga. There are lots of yoga poses out there. You can start by checking out our Kids Yoga Cards or our Kids Yoga Poster:

4. Consider therapy to break out of eggshell parenting

Therapy can help you build self-compassion and let go of the shame that comes with becoming aware of the eggshell behavior.

Therapy, particularly Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), can be highly effective in helping people struggling with intense negative emotions. ‘Dialectical’ means understanding how two opposite things could be true. For example, accepting yourself and changing your behavior might feel contradictory. But DBT teaches that you can achieve both these goals together.

Take-Home Message

Parenting can be a rollercoaster of emotions, and sometimes, we all lose our cool. But it’s important to remember that our kids are watching and soaking up everything we do and say. If you lose your calm too often, it’s your duty to learn healthy coping mechanisms to manage your emotions. Your future self and your child will thank you. With a little effort, we can break the cycle of emotional harm and build stronger, healthier relationships with our kids.

The highly sensitive parent is even more likely to get caught in this spiral of guilt and self-judgement, because they are more easily overwhelmed by their children’s explosive behaviors.

But there’s an alternative to negative self-talk: self-compassion. Self-compassion brings calm. It’s like a refuge from negative self-talk.

Self-compassion has three components:

• It requires self-kindness. We must be gentle with ourselves instead of harshly judgmental.
• It requires us to remain present instead of withdrawing. Feeling connected with others, having someone you can trust and share your worries and opinions with, is the second step toward building self-compassion. The alternative –feeling isolated – can only hurt us in the long run. Remember that humans are social beings, and adults need co-regulation, just like young children do.
• The third prerequisite is being mindful of negative thoughts and emotions. We need to be aware of our feelings and flaws in a non-judgmental way. Rather than ignoring our pain and weaknesses, exaggerating them, or blaming it on others, it helps to be neutrally aware. Otherwise, we might get stuck in a cycle of stagnation and self-conflict.

How is self-compassion related to parenting?

Lack of self-compassion can prevent you from enjoying your parenting journey, because of the pressure of being a perfect parent all the time. Additionally, your child can absorb your negative outlook and develop an “I’m not good enough” mindset (which we so often see in highly sensitive children!)

A 2018 study provided mothers in Australia with self-compassion tips and exercises, like imagining how they would help someone else, reminding themselves that they are not alone, and showing kindness through small gestures. Mothers who used the resources reported feeling better than mothers who did not—and they were less stressed by breastfeeding after the intervention.

A review of 13 research studies published between 2003 and 2020 showed that parents who practiced self-compassion were less affected by stress, depression, and anxiety.

Together, these studies suggest self-compassion may boost resilience and protect against criticism – from ourselves and others.

Why is self-compassion important for the highly sensitive parent?

Self-compassion is essential for the highly sensitive parent because they often feel guilty for their kids’ emotions even when it’s beyond their control. The highly sensitive parent is also prone to exhaustion because they get easily overwhelmed by their child’s behavior and the demands of parenting. Due to their empathetic nature, they also have difficulty setting boundaries. Deep feeling parents often question their parenting decisions, worrying if they are doing enough or if they are doing it right. The highly sensitive parent also reacts intensely to high-pressure parenting situations, which affects their ability to remain calm. That in turn, feeds their feelings of guilt and self-doubt.

That’s why self-compassion is something that the highly sensitive parent needs to learn if they want to be able to enjoy the parenting journey.

So, can we learn to be more self-compassionate? Sure. Here are three simple tips to build self-compassion.

1. The highly sensitive parent needs shorts breaks throughout the day

When they feel emotionally flooded by the demands of parenting, the highly sensitive parent may wonder how others do it. How can they have amazing full-time jobs and also take the kids to practice? How can their kids go to practice after school without having evening meltdowns? How can others go on long road trips with small children and still enjoy themselves? How do others have the energy and time to meet friends for coffee and go to the gym when parenting is a 24-hour job?

Those are the moments when it helps to take a self-compassion break.

What does that look like?

First, accept your feelings by saying, “This hurts” or “This is too much for me. I need a break.” Next, acknowledge that other parents have felt this way— 1 in 3 parents is highly sensitive! Last, offer yourself kindness by repeating positive affirmations like “I am worthy of love and kindness, just as I am,” “I give myself grace in challenging moments and celebrate my successes,” or simply “I am doing my best, and that is enough. I am a good parent.”

Of course, taking a break is not always possible. In that case, take a moment after the meltdown to say a few kind words to yourself.

You might even try EFT tapping: the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is a therapy that combines acupressure with modern psychology. It may sound strange but try it. See if it helps.

2. Loving-Kindness Meditation (LKM)

It’s the middle of the week. You’re trying to leave the house with your preschooler so that you can get her to school and yourself to work for a 9:00 am meeting. Your little one doesn’t know that even a five-minute delay can lead to a 30-minute difference in your commute time. She wants to put on her socks by herself. They feel itchy. Then she refuses to put her jacket on because she doesn’t like the fabric. Then she remembers that her best friend played with somebody else the day before, and she gets sad and says she wants to stay home with you.

The morning routine takes a long time; you get impatient. Pretty soon, both you and your daughter are having big emotions. After the 9:00 am meeting, you beat up on yourself for losing it.

This is where an early-morning loving-kindness meditation (LKM) can help. LKM originates from Buddhist practices and is also called “metta meditation.” The core idea behind LKM is to show unconditional kindness to yourself and others. It differs slightly from mindfulness, where the goal is to be present and notice what happens around you non-judgmentally.

The idea behind LKM is quite simple: think of a close friend, partner, or family member. This person loves you very much. Imagine that person talking kindly to you, sending you wishes for your safety and your well-being. Imagine you hear their kind voice and feel their positive energy. Then think of someone you don’t know well, like an acquaintance. You and this person share a similar wish: to be happy. The next step is to think of all the beings on this planet. They all share one thing: they wish to be safe and happy like you do.

Does LKM actually work? The results look promising. A 2015 review analysis examining 24 other studies on more than 1,700 individuals said LKM fostered positive emotions and concluded that more research is needed to understand better the brain processes that make LKM effective. A more recent study, from 2021, on people fighting depression showed that LKM, together with mindfulness therapy, improved depression symptoms.

A smaller LKM study was even made on parents. The researchers assigned 61 parents – mostly women in their mid-30s – to listen either to a guided LKM meditation or a guided imagery mediation for fifteen minutes. The results?  

As predicted, the participants who listened to the KLM mediation were more likely to show self-compassion but not necessarily compassion towards others. These parents were also calmer and less frustrated or angry at their children.

3. Think of an important person in your life when you need help with your kids

Is there anything worse than your kids’ wanting your full attention at the same time while you feel drained after a full day at work?

Try this: visualize a close friend, your partner, grandmother, or one of your parents by your side, giving you help with the kids. What would this person say to you? Call to mind the warmth of their voice. Even if they are not physically beside you, the thought of them can fill you with the power to handle the situation.

Even if you didn’t grow up with good models of compassion, self-compassion is a skill you can learn. When you feel negative self-talk buzzing in your head, say what you would say to a close friend who is suffering.

As a highly sensitive parent, you most likely have high levels of empathy. Why not redirect that empathy toward you? You deserve it as much as others do because you are as good as any other parent on this planet.

As a mom, you have a lot on your plate. Between managing a household, caring for the kids, and possibly working outside the home, it’s no surprise that many moms feel entirely burned out.

Let me tell you a story about an exhausted mom. Sarah is a highly sensitive mom of two children, ages 3 and 5. She works part-time from home and takes care of her kids while her husband works outside the home. Sarah’s days are packed from morning until night with work and caring for her family. She often feels like she can’t escape the sensory overwhelm that comes with caring for two kids. She’s running on fumes and struggles to find time for herself. She’s constantly putting everyone’s needs before hers and feels like she hasn’t had time for self-care in ages. Sound familiar?

If Sarah’s story resonates with you, you may be experiencing what’s known as Depleted Mother Syndrome. Unfortunately, it’s a common experience for many moms and can be challenging to overcome.

What Causes Mom Burnout?

So, what causes mommy burnout?

Many factors can contribute to this condition.

One major contributor is the expectation that mothers should be able to do it all – work, take care of the home, and care for their children – frequently without outside help. That can lead to guilt and shame when you cannot meet those unrealistic expectations.

Another factor is perpetually postponing self-care. If you feel exhausted and resentful that nobody cares for your needs, it may be time to prioritize self-care and learn to say “no.” A highly sensitive person, especially, often has difficulty setting boundaries because of their high levels of empathy and compassion.

Then there’s perfectionism. Many highly sensitive moms may have perfectionist tendencies, which can lead to self-imposed pressure and stress. This pressure can be particularly intense regarding parenting, leading to burnout.

Another significant factor is emotional and sensory overstimulation. Highly sensitive moms may be more prone to emotional exhaustion due to their increased sensitivity to external stimuli – emotional, sensory, and social. Caring for babies and toddlers, in particular, can be overwhelming, especially if you don’t have outside help.

Related: How to Deal with a Complete Contact Napper

Feelings of isolation can also lead to mom burnout. About 70% of highly sensitive people are introverts. That means that most HSP moms don’t crave lots of social interaction. However, we need to feel that we belong to a community that understands and supports us. The parenting journey can be more challenging when moms don’t have a village, even HSP moms.

When our partners, family, and friends don’t understand mom burnout (“You’re a mom now. What did you expect?”, “You’re always complaining”), the feeling of loneliness can become even more overwhelming.

Suppose you experience mom burnout and have a highly sensitive child with a high need for one-on-one time, constant worries, frequent meltdowns, low frustration tolerance, or sensory sensitivities. In that case, your Mom Guilt may be skyrocketing. As a result, you may feel that you’re not enough or that you’ve got parenting all wrong.

It’s important to note that burnout is not your fault nor a reflection of your parenting. Instead, it’s a natural response to prolonged stress, and you must prioritize your well-being.

Lastly, our unmet expectations can amplify mom burnout. Yet our parenting journey is filled with moments when nothing goes as we hope. Like most moms, you may have often felt disappointed, resentful, under-appreciated, and unseen.

So, if you experience mom burnout, it’s high time you speak up for yourself.

Here are some tips for recovering from mom burnout:

11 Tips to Recover from Mom Burnout

Recovering from mom burnout can be challenging, especially for highly sensitive mothers. However, it is possible to recover and regain balance in life with the proper support.

1. Speak up

Asking for what we want is the first step towards feeling heard and living our desired lives. Don’t think of the first conversation with your family as the one that will be decisive. Changing your lifestyle to prioritize self-care is a journey and probably tricky if your children are very young. You may need to develop your ability to speak up, say “no,” and share your difficulties without blaming others. And it also takes time for your loved ones to embrace the truth and support you.

The bottom line is not to have high expectations when you broach the subject of burnout. And don’t hesitate to talk again and communicate your needs.

2. Practice mindfulness to recover from mom burnout

Too many times, we don’t know ourselves well enough, but we want others to fulfill our needs.

That’s why, to avoid resentment, we need to take time to discover ourselves. Practicing mindfulness is a great way to heal yourself because we learn to pay attention to our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations in a non-judgmental way. Moreover, mindfulness practice can help us develop self-compassion, which is critical for recovering from burnout.

Here are some mindfulness strategies that may help you with mom burnout:

Breathwork: When we feel overwhelmed or unsure of ourselves, our breath can anchor us to the present moment. A simple technique is to focus on the sensation of breathing in and out, perhaps counting to five on the inhale and exhale. That can help bring a sense of calm and centering, allowing us to access our intuition and inner wisdom.

Body scan meditation: When we feel disconnected from our bodies or caught up in negative thoughts, a quick body scan can help us tune back in. This technique involves sitting comfortably, bringing attention to each body part, and noticing any sensations without judgment.

Gratitude practice: Focusing on what we’re grateful for can be helpful when we struggle to find meaning. That doesn’t mean denying our challenges but cultivating a sense of appreciation for the positive things in our lives. A simple practice is to write down three things you’re grateful for each day, perhaps before bed or in the morning.

3. Prioritize self-care to avoid mom burnout

Forgetting the mental load, even temporarily, is essential to recovering from burnout. Practice self-care by engaging in activities that make you feel good. Here are some ideas:

• read a good book in your bed – not about parenting or effective time management and preferably when there’s no one in the house
• rent a hotel room by yourself for one night in a hotel that has a spa
• home spa session
• sleep in on Sunday morning, and ask your partner to plan and prepare breakfast
• take a long nap alone
• book yourself a massage.

4. Have a more flexible schedule

Highly sensitive people need a slower lifestyle. But that’s often impossible for parents without a village to lean on.  

One solution would be to have a more flexible schedule. Who says you have to go to the park every day? You can give your child extra screen time if you need to take a moment for yourself. It won’t rot their brains.

Likewise, another way of simplifying your routine is cutting back on children’s extra-curricular activities. Do you think that’s selfish? Think twice. Have you seen happy, emotionally rounded children raised by miserable, exhausted adults? Children need parents to model emotional regulation. But if you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, going from mom rage to mom burnout, your child might become as dysregulated as you are.

If your child also has frequent evening meltdowns, they might be struggling, too, so a lighter schedule may be what they need.

Another way to reduce constant overstimulation is saying “no” to social events you don’t look forward to. For instance, you may have to learn to say “no” to some family gatherings and parties that leave you feeling drained. If you are highly sensitive, you may not have enjoyed so much stimulation even before you had children. So, parties may be even more difficult to bear now if you arrive there exhausted from getting everybody ready and on time.

5. Lower the expectations

Highly sensitive people tend to be perfectionistic. While that may be helpful, it can also lead to anxiety and burnout.

Perfectionism and high expectations of yourself can be problematic because they make you self-doubt instead of enjoying your parenting journey.

If you feel burned out, it can help to see whether you have realistic expectations.

Instead of trying to be perfect, you might try to make today better than yesterday. Instead of letting mom guilt overwhelm you when you snap, apologize and move on. Your children don’t need a perfect mom; they need a happy and compassionate mom.

You’ll feel more comfortable prioritizing your needs over your children’s when you lower expectations and stop seeking external validation, especially from people who aren’t in your situation.

Related: HSP Parents, Let Go of Toxic Guilt Now

6. Get enough sleep

Getting enough quality sleep is particularly important if you are a highly sensitive person. HSPs have a more sensitive nervous system, and lack of sleep can make them feel overwhelmed and stressed, leading to emotional exhaustion.

To promote better sleep, you can create a calming bedtime routine and avoid caffeine, wine, and electronics before bed.

Try to aim for seven or eight hours of sleep each night.

7. Exercise and spend time in nature to recover from mom burnout

Exercise and time in nature are great ways for HSPs to reduce stress and improve well-being.

As a mom, including exercise and outdoor time in your routine can be challenging. There are, however, several ways you can do it, like:

• a quick workout before everybody wakes up
• involving the kids (family walk, hiking in the woods, hide-and-seek in the backyard, a dance party in the living room)
• joining a moms’ group.

8. Take short breaks throughout the day

Taking short breaks throughout the day is crucial for HSPs, especially for stay-at-home moms who may feel overwhelmed by the constant sensory and emotional overwhelm that comes with having children.

Examples of short breaks could include taking a few minutes to meditate, practicing deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a walk outside while the kids are napping or engaged in quiet play.

Even a few minutes of quiet time or focused self-care can help HSPs feel more centered and energized to tackle the day’s challenges.

9. Pursue hobbies

Starting a hobby (or even a small business based on a hobby) is crucial to reconnecting with yourself and finding a purpose outside the main caregiver role. Additionally, it can compensate for the lack of fulfillment in other areas of your life.

Highly sensitive moms are often creative and enjoy quiet activities that allow them to express themselves. For instance, they may enjoy journaling, writing, painting, knitting, playing music, reading, gardening, and scrapbooking. You can do these activities from the comfort of your home and on a flexible schedule.

10. Practice self-compassion

Be kind to yourself, and know that you’re doing your best and that you are enough.

Here are ten affirmation phrases you can repeat to yourself when feeling overwhelmed.

• I am doing the best I can, and that is enough.
• I deserve to take care of myself.
• My children’s behavior does not define my worth.
• I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.
• I deserve love and compassion, including from myself.
• I am allowed to say “no”, including to loved ones, and prioritize my own well-being.
• I am resilient, even in difficult times.
• I deserve to take time for myself.
• I trust my intuition as a mother.
• I am proud of the mom I am and the love I give my children.

11. Connect with other parents

Join a parent support group or connect with other parents with similar experiences. Mom burnout is more common than you’d think. Many moms struggle with feeling like they’ve lost their sense of identity due to prioritizing the family’s needs over their own. The constant feeling of being needed but not appreciated, being called a thousand times a day, yet not feeling seen, can lead to emotional exhaustion.

That’s why we need a village to understand and support us.

As much as we love our kids, as parents, we never wholeheartedly await the two-week Christmas break.

If you are like me, you dread being at home with the kids for two weeks: constant noise, bickering, whining, clutter, sibling rivalry, and endless interruptions while preparing the house for Christmas.

If you also have a deep-feeling child who gets easily overstimulated and has a hard time with transitions, it’s almost twice as hard.

And if you are deeply sensitive, too, then you might struggle with anxiety and toxic perfection. I know I am. Unfortunately, that makes you micromanage and fixate on details, which worsens things.

Have you ever thought, “A long trip away from everyone and everything would be the nicest present ever”? If your answer is yes, you must promise to stop feeling guilty about your thoughts this Christmas. Wishing to take a break during the most wonderful season does not make you a bad parent.

Here are our suggestions for enjoying, not just surviving, this holiday season:

1. Ditch the Christmas guilt

Despite our best efforts, theirs is a lot to do around Christmas: cooking, hosting guests, attending gatherings, sending cards, baking with the kids, and wrapping gifts. Sometimes, however, the solution is to do less. On top of that, we have our kids’ needs.

So, what can you do to make the Christmas holidays simpler?

Our first suggestion is to acknowledge that change begins with you. You can’t control what other families do for Christmas, and you can’t control the fact that your kid is more sensitive than others. However, you can set boundaries when you feel you have reached your capabilities. Setting boundaries is scary, for sure, but it is also freeing. So, think before any “yes.” Even if it can be difficult to decline some invitations and outings to buy gifts, it may be the best solution for you and your family.

Just relax and go with the flow, and try not to be too stressed up things don’t go according to plan. Otherwise, your deeply feeling child will absorb your stress, potentially ruining everyone’s fun. Nothing unsettles a deeply feeling child more than a nervous parent. That’s why imposing some boundaries to take care of yourself is not selfish. On the contrary, it’s the best decision for your family.

And while for many of us, it’s not possible to sip hot chocolate by the Christmas tree in a quaint and quiet Sardinia village, you can still find 15 minutes for recentering yourself through meditation, yoga, praying, journaling, or even a cardio workout.

2. Create unique, not perfect, traditions

Christmas is the best season to remember that overstimulation brings the worst in deeply feeling children. Not following daily routines, traveling, and large family gatherings are a lot to take in for a sensitive child. For this reason, holidays are an excellent time to recall a fundamental parenting tip that always works: empathize!

When we empathize with our children, we let them take the lead, so we pave the road for creating the most wonderful and funny memories and traditions.

If you are like me, you already know that the warmest memories are with our kids being funny without realizing it: saying jokes (sometimes even potty jokes), songs they sing loudly on funny lyrics invented by them, and odd questions kids ask about Santa and Christmas.  And the most precious family heirlooms are Christmas ornaments our kids make with their tiny clumsy fingers.

Here are a handful of suggestions for imperfectly fun family traditions:

• Kids singing loudly and dancing to Christmas songs
• Children taking pictures of themselves running around the Christmas tree
• Have the kids take silly pictures of you
• Hide presents for everyone throughout the house instead of putting all of them under the Christmas tree (especially if you have a dog who likes to chew boxes)
• Prepare many gifts for your dog to unwrap
• Kids waking you up and jumping in your bed early on Christmas morning
• Keeping a journal with funny quotes your family said throughout the year, reading it on the holidays, and guessing who said what.

3. Kids like to get involved in Christmas decor

Small children like to be independent, and the holidays can belong to them, too, if we take our time and allow them to get involved in the Christmas preparations. That means keeping an eye out for what toddlers can do or try to do, allowing clumped ornaments at the base of the tree, and letting go of Christmas décor expectations.

Some parents are okay with young kids decorating the Christmas tree, while others aren’t, and that is okay. There is no wrong or right way of spending Christmas, just different ways. Some of us grew up with color-themed decorations and aesthetic Christmas trees, while some grew up with hodgepodge trees. Either way is fine. It’s always best to do what makes your family happy.

However, if the idea of your child decorating your house for Christmas gives you a headache, you might have them decorate a designated area in your home, indoor plants, or even a small felt tree.

Whatever you choose to do, make sure that your deeply feeling kiddo doesn’t get their feelings hurt. This is because sensitive kids feel easily rejected. So, even if your child doesn’t decorate the whole house, we suggest you pick your kid’s top three handmade ornaments and hang them wherever they like.

4. Your deeply feeling child’s self-control reaches historical lows at Christmas

Deeply feeling children have highly developed senses and are emotionally intense. On top of that, our brains develop the most in the first years of life. That’s why our senses work exceptionally well, whether deeply sensitive or not.

So, it’s understandable for your child’s impulse control to reach historical lows at Christmas, particularly if you have a hectic program.

Your deeply feeling child hasn’t yet developed filters, so they act like sponges, soaking up the stimulation around them. That means that outings and experiences that might be exciting for other kids can overwhelm a deeply feeling child.

5. Notice early signs of overwhelm

Your deeply feeling child processes more the implications of any situation, and as a result, they receive more stimulation and are more quickly overwhelmed in chaotic or unpredictable environments.

When a sensitive child gets cranky, bringing them back on track is challenging. So, it’s best to take the slightest unwelcome behavior as an early sign of trouble and remain alert and ready to take a short break. If leaving the event is not an option, see if you can take your little one to a quieter room so that they can recenter.

Here are some early signs of overwhelm that a deeply feeling child can show:

• Becoming more withdrawn than usual
• Whining
• Constantly complaining about other kids’ behavior
• Getting hyper.

6. Help your deeply feeling child handle gift disappointments

Disappointment around gifts is common among kids of all ages (“Why did she get a nicer toy,” “I wanted a Lego, not a car”). Yet the self-centeredness and the whining can be upsetting for you as a parent. Most of us take kids’ disappointment personally.

But if you think from your child’s perspective, their negative reaction makes sense: Santa Claus “sees you when you’re sleeping / And he knows when you’re awake/ He knows if you’ve been bad or good.” So, why doesn’t Santa bring the gifts we want?

Imagine you truly believe that there is a man out there who sees what you do and hears what you say 100% of the time. Fortunately, this person is not bad. He is the most generous old man on earth, and your parents encourage you to make a wish, and maybe Santa will make it come true. You will ignore the word “maybe” because you already dream of many presents under the Christmas tree. So, you make your wish, and it doesn’t come true. Of course, you’d be disappointed. You’d be disappointed at Santa, not your parents, for not giving you the gift you expected.

Kids have a different perception of time than adults. They live in the moment. So, when they feel disappointed, they won’t listen to reason and explanations that maybe next time Santa will know better. So, the best thing you can do is to acknowledge their feelings and not take their reaction personally. They are upset with Santa, not you.

As adults, we have learned to hide our displeasure and sadness, but small children can’t do that yet. Particularly deeply feeling kids who have more black-and-white thinking. Inflexible thinking is usually behind kids’ big emotions when things don’t go as planned (like when they receive the wrong gift from Santa).

Fortunately, there are some things you can do to minimize disappointment. We suggest that you try to make Christmas more about building traditions and spending time with family than material gifts. Deeply feeling children love this because they have a strong need for connection and are deeply empathetic.

Our society focuses so much on consumerism that kids mistake material things for happiness and love. Yet, contentment and inner peace often come from feeling close to someone and creating beautiful traditions together.

Here are our suggestions for traditions that foster closeness with loved ones:

• Outdoor Christmas photo shoots (so much easier for toddlers than studio shoots)
• Make a play and bring to life the story of St. Nicholas.
• Sing carols in the evening after supper or at bedtime.

7. Christmas is about giving without expecting anything in return

If you want your child to know the essence of Christmas, you need to tell him the story of St. Nicholas.

Here’s how it goes.

There once lived, in the Roman Empire, a poor man. He had three daughters. In those days, young women’s fathers needed to offer potential husbands something valuable called dowry. Women had little chance of getting married without a dowry back then. So, these poor man’s daughters didn’t have any money.

Mysteriously, three different times, a bag of gold appeared in their home, supplying the required dowries. A stranger had tossed the bags of gold through a window. The gold landed in shoes and stockings left before the fire to dry. That gave rise to the tradition of kids hanging their stockings or putting out their shoes, eagerly anticipating presents from Saint Nicholas.

The magical bringer of gifts was – you guessed –  Nicholas. He was neither plump nor jolly, but he was a generous Christian bishop who did many kind deeds secretly without expecting anything in return.

St. Nicholas’ story can remind your children that Christmas is about giving and being kind without expecting anything.  

Here are our ideas about how you can teach generosity to your kids:

• find ways to volunteer that includes your kids
• make cookies and offer them to senior homes and homeless shelters
• make a charity jar in your home and let your kids decide to which charity they want to give the money (like Toys for Tots, the Salvation Army)
• create a give-away box with toys and clothes that the kids have outgrown
• help your kids come up with gift ideas for people they know.

A Take-Home Message

Christmas is about giving without expecting anything in return. As a parent, I feel that I give my best to my sensitive child without expecting anything in return all year round (or at least without expecting much). I’m sure you feel the same way, too.

References

• https://www.britannica.com/topic/Santa-Claus
• https://www.stnicholascenter.org/about-st-nicholas-center
• Dowry – Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dowry
• LyricFind, Songwriters: Haven Gillespie / John Coots, Santa Claus Is Coming to Town lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC