She had always been a shy child but was excited to start school and make new friends. However, on her first day, she was utterly overwhelmed. The classroom was too loud, the other kids were too pushy, and she just felt like a tiny fish in a big pond.

She started to cry and refused to leave my side. I tried to comfort her and reassure her that everything would be okay, but she was inconsolable. Finally, the teacher suggested that I take her to the library so that she could have some quiet time.

We sat in the library for over an hour, just reading books and talking. By the time we went back to the classroom, my daughter was feeling much calmer. She was still a little nervous, but she was willing to give it another try.

Over the next few weeks, my daughter slowly started to adjust. She made a few friends and started to enjoy going to school.

I know that my daughter will always be a highly sensitive child. But, I am also confident that she will learn to manage her emotions and thrive in new situations with the right tools and support.

If you are a parent of a deeply feeling child, please know you are not alone. There are many tools to help you and your child.

Here are 11 strategies & activities we can use to help children develop self-confidence and a can-do attitude.

Before we continue, we thought you might like to download our “I Did It” free printable. With this worksheet, you can remind your cautious, sensitively wired child that they are capable of handling challenges. You can print it as a poster and find a special place to display it, such as your child’s bedroom, calm space, or homeschool room. The “I Did It” worksheet also comes with a set of instructions for parents and teachers. Click here to download it now! It’s never too early or too late to boost your child’s self-confidence.

Why new experiences can be challenging for a deeply feeling child

New experiences can be challenging for deeply feeling children for a number of reasons. First, they are more aware of their surroundings and more sensitive to stimuli. That means they are more likely to be overwhelmed by new sights, sounds, smells, and textures. For example, a sensitively wired child may feel anxious about visiting a new place with many people and loud noises.

Second, sensitive children are more attuned to their emotions. That means that they are more likely to experience big emotions, both positive and negative. For example, a deeply feeling child may feel excited about starting a new school year but also anxious about making new friends.

Finally, highly sensitive kiddos are more likely to be perfectionistic and have high expectations for themselves. This can make it difficult for them to try new things because they are afraid of failing. For example, your child may hesitate to try out for a new sport because they are worried about not being good enough.

Here are some specific examples of how deeply feeling children may experience new experiences differently than other children:

• They may be overwhelmed by the crowds and noise at a birthday party.
• A deeply feeling child may have difficulty adjusting to a new classroom or daycare setting.
• A deeply feeling child may be anxious about trying new foods or activities.
• They may be sensitive to criticism and may have difficulty coping with failure.

11 Strategies and Activities for making new experiences easier for a deeply feeling child

1. Prepare your deeply feeling child in advance

One of the best ways to help deeply feeling kids cope with new experiences is to prepare them in advance. This means talking to them about what to expect and helping them develop a coping plan.

Here are some tips for preparing cautious children for new experiences:

• Talk to your child about what to expect. Explain to your child what the new place or activity will be like and what they can expect to see, hear, or even smell. Be honest and upfront, but also emphasize the positive aspects and that you’ll be there to help.
• Give tiny reminders. Remind them that all their skills were new at some point, but they practiced and persisted, and that’s how they learned them. For example, you can ask, “Can you tell me about something that you used to find difficult but can now do easily?” or “I understand that you’re feeling scared, but I want you to know that you’re brave. You’ve done many brave things in the past, and I know you can do this too.”
• Give your highly sensitive child a sense of control. Allow your child to make choices about the new experience whenever possible. For example, if you are going to a new restaurant, let your child choose what they want to eat.
• Create a coping plan. What will your child need when they feel overwhelmed? Deep breathing, fidget toys, a hug? Try to talk about it in advance. You can learn more calming techniques here (EFT Tapping), here (somatization), and here (vestibular input).

Here are some specific examples of how to prepare a sensitively wired child for new experiences:

• Starting a new school year: take them to visit the school before the first day. Show them their classroom and introduce them to their teacher.
• Birthday party: explain how many of their friends will be there and what activities they might do.
• Doctor’s appointment: explain to them what will happen. Tell them the doctor will listen to their heart and lungs and ask them questions.
• Trying a new restaurant: let them choose what they want to eat. Explain to them that the food may be different from what they are used to but that they can always ask for something else if they don’t like it.

2. Incorporate brain breaks

Brain breaks are short physical activities that improve focus and memory. They are also helpful for reducing stress and anxiety.

Brain breaks can be especially useful for children who are scared of new experiences. When a child feels worried or anxious, their body produces stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones can make it difficult for the child to focus and learn. Brain breaks can help reduce stress hormones and improve the child’s concentration.

Brain breaks can also help sensitive children to cope with new experiences. By taking a break, the child can process their emotions and recharge. This can make it easier for them to join the others and feel more confident.

Here are some examples of brain breaks that can be helpful for highly sensitive children:

• Movement breaks involve moving the body in different ways. Some examples of movement breaks include jumping jacks, arm circles, and marching in place.
• Mindfulness breaks involve focusing on the present moment and paying attention to the breath. Some examples of mindfulness breaks include deep breathing exercises and body scan meditations.
• Sensory breaks provide sensory stimulation to help the child calm down and focus. Some examples of sensory breaks include squeezing a stress ball, listening to calming music, and playing with fidget toys.

3. Create An “I am, I can” box

An “I am, I can” box, jar or can is a simple but effective tool to help highly sensitive children build their confidence and overcome their fears. It is a way for them to remind themselves that they are capable and can do anything they set their mind to.

An “I am, I can” box is a box or container filled with positive affirmations and statements. It is a helpful tool for children of all ages, but it can be especially helpful for deeply feeling children with low self-confidence.

When children feel worried or unsure of themselves, they can reach into the “I am, I can” box and read a positive affirmation. This can help them to boost their confidence and remind themselves of their strengths.

Here are some examples of positive affirmations and statements that you can put in an “I am, I can” box:

• I am brave.
• I am strong.
• I am smart.
• I am loved.
• I am strong, and I stand up for myself.
• I am confident in my ability to make good choices.
• I try my best.
• I can do hard things.
• I can do anything I set my mind to.
• I am not alone.
• I can be afraid and brave at the same time.
• I can breathe through my fear.
• I am safe.

You can also put specific affirmations in the “I am, I can” box about the child’s fears and challenges. For example, if the child is scared of going to school, you could put in affirmations like “I can go to school and have a good day” or ” “Every day at school is a chance to make new friends.”

Here are some tips for using an “I am, I can” box:

• Let them choose the container and help them to decorate it. For instance, you can buy a wooden box and have the child paint it, like in the pictures below. This will make them feel more ownership of the box and more likely to use it.
• Encourage the child to add new affirmations to the can as needed. This will help the box to stay relevant to the child’s current needs and challenges.
• Have them take out an affirmation statement from the box before a challenging situation, for instance before going to school, or whenever they feel worried or sad.

4. Create a safe space

Another way to make new experiences easier for deeply feeling children is to provide them with a safe space.

A safe space is a place where your child can go to relax and de-stress. It can be a physical space, such as a quiet corner of the room, or an emotional space, such as a trusted adult your child can talk to.

Here are some tips for creating a safe space for a deeply feeling, sensitive child:

• Create a physical safe space. Find a quiet place in your home where your child can relax and de-stress. This could be a corner of their bedroom, a closet, or even a tent. Ensure the space is comfortable and inviting, and your child has everything they need to relax, such as pillows, blankets, and books.
• Create an emotionally safe space. Be a trusted adult who your child can talk to about their feelings. Let them know you are always there for them and will listen to them without judgment.
• Teach your child self-soothing skills. Try to help your child learn how to calm themselves down when they are feeling overwhelmed. This could involve teaching them deep breathing exercises or identifying and managing their triggers.

If you and your child are not at home and they are struggling with trying something new, you may need to find a quiet spot for them to calm down. Here are some examples of safe spaces you might use:

• A quiet corner of the library
• A beanbag chair in the corner of a bookstore
• A private room at a coffee shop
• A car parked in a quiet spot
• A bench in a park
• A trusted adult’s office or classroom
• A counselor’s office.

5. Keep an “I Did It” Diary

An “I Did It” diary is a great way to help kids grow self-confidence. It can also be a fun and rewarding way for them to bond with you.

Your child can write about new experiences and challenges, both big and small, in their diary. It can be a way for them to process their emotions, reflect on what they learned, and keep track of progress.

An “I Did It” diary can be especially helpful for kids who are scared to try new things. By writing about their experiences, they can start to see that new things can be fun and rewarding. They can also learn how to cope with their worries.

Here are some tips for creating an “I Did It” Diary for kids scared to try new things:

• Choose a fun and inviting notebook. Let your child choose a notebook that they love so they will be more likely to use it.
• Encourage your child to write about everything. New experiences don’t have to be big or exciting. Even small things like trying a new food or going to a new place can be considered adventures.
• Help your child reflect on their experiences. Ask your child about their experiences, such as “What was the best part?” “What was the hardest part?” and “What did you learn?”
• Celebrate progress. When your child tries something new, be sure to celebrate their progress, even the small steps. This will help them to feel good about themselves and build confidence.

Here are some examples of things your child could write about in their diary:

• Making a new friend
• Going to a birthday party
• Starting school
• Trying a new food
• Trying a new activity
• Learning a new skill
• Going on a road trip.

6. Create a “New Things” Poster

A “New Things” poster is a poster on which children add something, like a picture or a message, each time they do something new. It is a simple but effective way to help children who are scared of trying new things.

The poster can be as simple or as elaborate as you want it to be. You can use a poster board, a piece of paper, or even a digital poster. Just make sure that the poster is big enough for the child to add all of their new experiences.

To get started, help the child to decorate the poster with their favorite colors and designs. Then, encourage them to add something to the poster each time they do something new, no matter how small it may seem. For example, the child could add a picture of themselves trying a new food, learning a new word, or playing a new game. They could also write down their thoughts and feelings about their new experiences.

The “New Things” poster can be a great way to help children feel more confident and motivated to try new things. It can also help them to reflect on their new experiences and what they learned.

Here are some tips for using a “New Things” poster with children:

• Make sure that the poster is in a place where the child will see it often.
• Encourage the child to add something to the poster each time they do something new, no matter how small it may seem.
• Help the child to reflect on their new experiences and what they learned.
• Celebrate the child’s successes and accomplishments.
• Share the poster with other children and family members and encourage them to add their own new things.

7. Make a Courage Ladder

A Courage ladder can help your child visualize their goals, develop a plan for achieving them, and track their progress. With your support, your child can climb the courage ladder and achieve their goals.

You will need a piece of paper and a pen or pencil to make a Courage ladder. First, write down the child’s goal at the top of the paper. Then, list the steps the child needs to take to achieve their goal, starting with the easiest step at the bottom of the ladder and the most challenging step at the top.

Here is an example of a courage ladder for a child who is afraid of public speaking:

• Talk to a trusted adult about my fear.
• Practice speaking in front of a mirror.
• Practice speaking in front of a small group of friends or family members.
• Give a presentation in class.

Once you have created the ladder, review it with the child and help them develop a plan for climbing it. Here’s an example of a courage ladder:

8. Celebrate progress, however small

Cheer for your child whenever they try something new, no matter how small it may seem. As adults, we forget how scary it can be to step outside our comfort zone, even for something as simple as trying a new food. Everything is new and exciting for a child, and they deserve our praise for their bravery.

It’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind of parenting, but it’s essential to make an effort to notice the small accomplishments that our children make. Take a moment to celebrate their progress and let them know how proud you are of them.

9. Don’t fear your highly sensitive child’s big feelings

Be honest with yourself: do you sometimes let things slide for the sake of an easier ride? Most parents do this from time to time. It’s tempting to do anything to avoid your child’s big feelings, right? But be careful not to let this become a habit.

Deeply sensitive children are more prone to worry. Unfortunately, the more they avoid a stressful or new situation, the more anxiety builds up, and their self-confidence drops. That’s why knowing the fine line between when to quit and when to keep going is vital. You will need to use your judgment because you know your child best.

But it’s important to teach them that stress is unavoidable, and we must learn how to manage it. Help them understand that life doesn’t always go their way. Teach them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that’s how we learn (“It’s okay to make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes when they’re learning something new. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and keep trying.”)

10. Be brave yourself

As a parent, you know that tackling our fears and insecurities is part of the parenting journey. But there are things we remain unwilling to do. For example, imagine a parent who’s afraid of heights. They may be hesitant to take their child to the amusement park or to let them play on the playground equipment. This can send the message to the child that new experiences are dangerous and should be avoided.

As a result, the child may become more fearful of trying new things. They may also develop anxiety about being in situations where they might feel exposed or vulnerable, such as in a crowd or a new place.

If you find this relatable, here’s a quick tip: start small. For example, if you’re afraid of heights, you could start by taking your child to a playground with a low slide. Remember, you are your child’s most important role model. By facing your fears and trying new things, you are teaching your child that it is possible to overcome their fears, too.

11. Give more autonomy to your deeply feeling child

As you’re your child grows older, give them more autonomy. It can be challenging, especially if you’re a highly sensitive parent. Many parents find it difficult to let go at all, particularly if they have a sensitively wired child struggling with big emotions and sensory differences.

But even small things, like allowing them to help in the kitchen, even if they make a mess, or trusting them with a brand-new smartwatch, can help them become more independent. And if they know you have faith in them, they’ll be more comfortable taking risks.

A Take-Home Message

Some children will feel excited by new experiences, while others – those with a more sensitive nervous system – will approach them cautiously. This article illustrates eleven strategies and activities for making new experiences easier for your cautious, deeply feeling, sensitively wired child (whatever language you choose).

Every child is different, and some strategies may not resonate with you. But it’s essential to try various tools and make a list of what works for your child when they feel overwhelmed because new experiences are unavoidable, and they help us grow and learn.

I vividly recall when my daughter was two and a half, and I put Frozen on for her, hoping to share our first movie experience. We got to watch for 10 minutes before I saw her terrified face. I had to switch it off.

Finding the right TV show can be tricky for deeply feeling toddlers and even preschoolers. More sensitive children might find some shows and movies scary or they get addicted. It’s like there’s no in between. To understand how screen time impacts them, we must first know how deep-feeling kids think.

Before you continue, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.

Why Screens Have a Big Impact on a Deeply Feeling Kid

More sensitive children process information deeply and are more affected by their surroundings and by social stimuli. They notice subtle details and are interested in the meaning of things. So, when it comes to movies and TV shows, expect your child to analyze everything and do a lot of overthinking. They will absorb the emotions of each character in the film. They’ll feel the characters’ fear, anger, or sadness so intensely that they’ll ask us to turn the TV off. The dysregulation they feel during the movie can appear in their bodies afterward. So, we can see lots of tricky behaviors later if the show is emotionally intense.

Even if they watch a show until the end, that dysregulation they felt during the movie will show up in their bodies.

If they are older, past toddlerhood, they might get so engrossed in the show that they’ll zone out. You won’t be able to pull them away from the screen, they’ll completely ignore your reminders that screen time will end soon, and they may have a meltdown if you shut down the TV.

According to research, highly sensitive persons have more reactive mirror neurons. When sensitive children watch emotional scenes, they react more intensely than your average child.

Then, deep-feeling kids may respond more to sound and visual stimulation: sudden noises, emotional music, fast-moving scenes, and bright lights. All this can overstimulate their nervous system.

We want to remember this when we choose appropriate movies and shows for our deeply feeling kids.

What are the official recommendations regarding screen time?

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends:

• Limiting screen time until 18 months to video chatting along with an adult, for instance, with grandparents or a parent who is out of town
• Between 18 months and two years, screen time should be limited to watching educational shows with caregivers.
• The official recommendation for children aged 2-5 is to restrict non-educational screen time to approximately one hour on weekdays and three hours on weekends.
• For kids aged six and above, caregivers need to promote healthy habits and limit screen-based activities.
• Ensure screens are turned off and removed from bedrooms 30-60 minutes before bedtime.

5 Strategies to Manage Screen Time Without Becoming the Bad Guy

1. Balance Your Deeply Feeling Kid’ Screen Time with Your Needs

While we all probably want to follow the experts’ recommendations, sometimes it’s tough. For instance, you may need a break, which is impossible when you’re the only adult supervising small children. Or you may need to cook, are sick, or want to enjoy your coffee on Saturday morning.

Using screen time in these situations might be a must for you. So ditch the toxic guilt because it doesn’t help anyone in your family. Instead, what helps is to make a list of the times when you need to keep the children busy with screens. Then, try to think how you can reduce unnecessary screen time on those days.

2. Monitor Screen Time

#1. What counts as screen time?

Before deciding whether to limit screen time, you must know what specialists consider screen time.

What counts as screen time? According to experts, video chatting doesn’t really count as screen time. Why? Because it’s not about using a screen per se; what matters is the pace of the video, show, or movie, the flashing lights, and bright colors. These are also stimuli that tire a more sensitive brain faster.

If you think about it, it makes sense for deeply feeling kids to need slow-paced shows. These children are slow to warm up, so try introducing them slowly to screens, especially if you see differences in their behavior after screen time. They may be less dysregulated after TV if they watch slow-paced shows. Examples include Daniel Tiger, Bluey, Guess How Much I Love You, Mister Roger’s Neighborhood, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, Puffin Rock, Tumble Leaf, Sarah & Duck, Elinor Wonders Why, Moli of Denali, Little Bear, Franklin, Peppa Pig, and Arthur).

One way to test whether the shows are okay for your child is to read them books based on the TV shows you want to introduce. For instance, you can purchase or borrow books about Daniel Tiger and Guess How Much I Love You.

As your child gets used to screen stimulation, you may want to try more fast-paced shows, like My Little Pony, Paw Patrol, and Blaze. Documentaries, in general, are also great for preschoolers and school-aged kids.

#2. Keep a screen time journal for one week

If you are unsure whether your family’s screen habits need to change, journaling can give you an idea of how much screens overstimulate your child’s brain. Consider journaling when your child has screen time (do they have screen time in the morning, after school, in the evening?), how they behave while watching the movie or show (does your child get scared or zone out?), and afterward (do they have a meltdown when screen time ends, even after several reminders?).

#3. How and when can you replace screen time with other activities?

After drawing the list, ask yourself: “What are the situations when I can limit screen time without being the bad guy?”

For instance, you might consider replacing screen time during car rides with games. Here are some fun car ride games you can try:

• I Spy: One player chooses an object they see inside or outside the car, and the others take turns guessing what it is by saying “I spy with my little eye, something that starts with [the first letter of the object].” The player who guesses correctly gets to choose the next object.
• License Plate Game: Have a list of states or countries, and kids can keep an eye out for license plates from those places during the trip. Each time they spot one, they mark it off on their list. The goal is to find as many different plates as possible.
• 20 Questions: One player thinks of an object, animal, or person, and the others take turns asking yes-or-no questions to guess what it is. The game continues until someone correctly identifies the answer or they reach 20 questions.
• Road Trip Bingo: Create bingo cards with various items or landmarks your kids might see during the journey (e.g., cow, red car, gas station). As they spot each item, they mark it off on their bingo card, aiming to get five in a row.
• Storytelling Chain: Start a collaborative story by having one person say a sentence. Then, each person takes turns adding one sentence to continue the story. The story can become as imaginative and silly as the kids want!

Also, can you drop screen time while waiting for medical appointments and replace it with an old toy your child hasn’t seen in a long time?

3. Check the Content and Preview Shows Before Allowing Your Deeply Feeling Kid to Watch

Violent shows can scare deeply feeling kids, and they may have other negative effects, too. For instance, seeing too much violence on TV can make kids more tolerant of violence in real life.

Young children may also struggle to differentiate between fantasy and reality, leading to fear and insecurity after witnessing violent scenes.

Exposure to aggressive behavior on TV can negatively impact children’s social skills, as they may mimic aggressive actions instead of learning appropriate conflict resolution.

Several TV shows for kids with aggressive themes and content may not be okay for deeply feeling kids. Some examples include:

• “Power Rangers” (Some versions contain intense fight scenes and violence).
• “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” (Some versions feature combat and intense action).
• “Ben 10” (Certain episodes may depict violence and battles).
• “Pokémon” (While not explicitly violent, it involves creatures battling each other).
• “Yu-Gi-Oh!” (Certain episodes may depict intense dueling scenes).

4. Set Boundaries Based on Your Kid’s Behavior

Children react differently to screens. Some may watch a TV show for a while and then move on to playing happily with their toys while the TV is still on. Others, more sensitive kids, can become engrossed in the show. They won’t look away from the screen, whether watching the news channel or a kids’ show. Then, they act wild when the TV is off.

So, it makes sense to set boundaries based on your child’s behavior and patterns. Do they become easily addicted to screen time? Then, you may want to establish clear, predictable guidelines for screen time, including duration and appropriate content. Consistency is critical in enforcing these boundaries.

Here are some examples of boundaries: screen-free meal times, screen-free weeknights, no screen time one hour before bed, earning screen time, outdoor-play first, educational screen time only, screen-free mornings, so screens before homework, screen-free zones (certain rooms or areas in the house are screen-free, like the bedroom), and watching TV every other day on holidays.

There’s no right or wrong approach to using screen time – every family is different. What helps most is consistency – holding the boundary and making no exceptions.

Also, the child needs to understand the reason behind the rule. Here are some scripts that you can try:

• “Sweetheart, you know how we love to watch fun shows and play games on the screen? It’s lots of fun, but just like eating our favorite treats, we need to do it in moderation. Too much screen time can make our bodies and minds feel tired and may not be good for us.”
• “Did you know that our little eyes and brains need breaks too? Just like when we take breaks from playing with toys, we also need breaks from screens. Too much screen time can make us feel a bit tired or less focused. So, let’s have special times for screen fun and other times for exploring new adventures, like building with blocks, drawing pictures, or pretending to be superheroes.”
• “You know how we have fun watching cool stuff on the screen and playing games? It’s awesome! But just like we take breaks from playing to rest, we also need breaks from screens. Too much screen time can make us feel a bit tired.”

5. It’s all about finding balance

Finding the right balance between screen time and other activities is essential.

Let’s say your child watches TV for two hours in the morning. How do they spend the rest of the day? Do they engage in social activities afterward? Do you have quality time? Do they do arts and crafts to develop fine motor skills and develop their imagination? Do they spend time outdoors to recharge and get physical exercise?

Moreover, try to monitor age developmental milestones. Too much screen time can affect these areas: imaginative play, focus, social skills, and physical activity. So keep an eye on those developmental milestones and focus on improving skills in these areas. There are two ways you can do that: either during screen time, or outside of screen time.

For example, you can make sure your child practices social skill, imaginative play and maintains focus by watching shows together and asking them questions about what happens in the show. Another idea is to ask them about what they watched during dinner time (“Did you like the Bluey episode? What happened, can you summarize it for me? How do you think that made Bluey feel? How could she have done otherwise”).

In this article, we discussed the official recommendations about screen time, how screens can impact deeply feeling kids, and we mentioned five tips for mindful use of screen time. These strategies can help you if you feel like you need to change your family’s screen habits. We hope now you have enough information to make the right decision for your family.

Nothing could have prepared me for my daughter’s vengeful and angry behavior.

“You don’t know anything, Mom. Leave me alone. And I hate the red jacket!” screamed my five-year-old daughter while trying her best to hit me. I had just finished explaining why she couldn’t wrestle with her brother, only to turn around and find her knocking him down karate-style. My request for her to be more careful with her two-year-old brother set off her screaming outburst, which lasted for an excruciating half an hour.  

These outbursts (screaming, hitting, throwing objects) are frequent in our house. First, she’ll try to hit and scratch me before leaving to stay alone in another room, where she’ll yell at us to go away.

Before you continue, we thought you might like our Things To Remember Poster. This poster is a great family guide for boosting self-esteem and resilience. You can hang it in your room, your child’s calm corner or your office. Check it out!

Like other parents of defiant children, I didn’t know what to do about it. It can be challenging to determine what’s making our children act out, how to stop the behavior and when to consult a specialist. Nothing prepared me for parenting a rebellious child, but as I discovered, there are options for families with defiant children.

My daughter had been a quiet baby. Then, when she turned three, and her brother was born, everything changed abruptly. She destroyed books and wrote on walls, occasionally grinning at me while she did so. And when I tried to stop her, she would melt down. She wouldn’t comply with my requests even if I could use rewards, make threats and take away privileges. Occasionally, she would comply, but it was so unpredictable.

In this article, you’ll learn:

What causes a child to be defiant?

Determining what causes defiance is crucial to deciding whether to see a specialist. If left untreated, childhood trauma, mood, and learning disorders will make the people in your child’s life label them as the “bad kid” when it’s not their fault. As a result, low self-esteem develops in your child, and you may feel helpless and give up trying.

Raising a defiant child is hard for the entire family. In addition, friends and relatives blame the behavior on a lack of proper parenting, adding to the pressure. While inconsistent discipline may be a factor, it is rarely the only one.

Development stage

As your child grows up, they begin to have a stronger sense of self and discover their separate identity. As a result, they are less reliant on you and can show signs of rebelliousness. Defiance is how young kids assert themselves. So, as difficult as it may be, know that it’s completely normal.

Noncompliance brought on by a fleeting urge to act independently is a regular part of growing up. Therefore, occasional outbursts and moderate physical aggression are natural, even if they are stressful for parents.

Even the most well-behaved children can be difficult sometimes. However, remember that kids up to five aren’t usually acting out intentionally. Instead, their willful conduct is a side effect of discovering how the world works and how their strong emotions fit into it.

Lagging self-regulation and verbal skills

Extra-sensitive children, in particular, have strong emotions and often lack the self-control (which improves at four-five years old) and speaking skills to express them in a socially acceptable manner. As a result, their frustration may look like defiance or out-of-control behavior when it isn’t.

Stress or significant transitions

When kids are going through tough times, like a divorce or starting school, they often act out out of anxiety and fear of losing control. But instead of taking responsibility for their outbursts, they might blame others. However, this defiance is often a sign of underlying stress. Before focusing on the behavior, it’s important to look for what’s causing the stress.

Things like sudden changes, strict rules, or even how we, as parents, talk and act can also cause emotional outbursts. Lack of sleep and too much screen time can also be culprits.

If you think your child’s defiance is actually a sign of hidden feelings that they don’t want to talk about, you may want to check The Anxiety Iceberg Poster. This poster is a great conversation starter and can help your child understand their feelings better. Check it out:

Adults’ attitude

Unfortunately, many parents feed defiance by applying too strict or inconsistent discipline. You might take defiance personally if you strongly react to your child’s misbehavior. However, defiant children are sensitive to adult hostility. Therefore, they will reciprocate your anger if they sense it

Related: The 8 Biggest Challenges Highly Sensitive Children Face and How To Overcome Them

Mood disorders

Defiance can also signal Attention Deficit Hyper-Active Disorder (ADHD). A lack of impulse control or attention can seem like defiance. The inability to follow instructions due to executive function problems can also make you believe your child is intentionally defiant when dealing with ADHD.

Worse cases of defiance can indicate Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). But it’s important, though, to distinguish between a child with ODD and a kid acting out because of a recent event (such as parents’ splitting or a sudden move). Defiance as a reaction to a stressful event lasts only for a short while, with consistent parental help.

Moreover, ODD and anxiety can co-occur sometimes. As a result, intense anxiety can be the basis of defiant behavior. Defiance can be a poor way of self-expression if your child feels anxious. When they are in an uncomfortable situation, kids become unruly as a way to express extreme emotions that they cannot articulate.

Also, defiance can be a way of seeking control when there is a lot of uncertainty. For example, if your child flat-out refuses to do anything at school or home, they may be trying to escape a stressful situation (for example, fear of being laughed at or criticized because of low self-esteem).

Related: 4 Little-Known Mistakes That Can Make Your Sensitive Child Anxious

Learning disorders

Chronic frustration brought on by learning disorders might escalate to defiance and aggression at school. Therefore, if your child is mainly defiant at school or when doing homework, they might have an undiagnosed learning disorder.

14 Ways to Discipline a Constantly Defiant Child Without Breaking Their Spirit

1. Show your child you are on their team

There’s usually a reason behind your child’s behavior. They might be seeking attention, testing boundaries, or struggling with school or friendships. Understanding their perspective is often the first step to finding a solution.

When your child defies you, try to see things from their point of view. For example, if they say “later” to lunch, try getting down to their level and acknowledging their desire to keep playing. Show them you understand while still setting limits.

It might feel uncomfortable to be too lenient, but anger rarely helps also. Instead, a collaborative approach works better in the long run.

2. Get past the tantrum and solve the problem later

Stop arguing and offer your preschooler a way to calm down if you notice them becoming agitated and about to have a tantrum. Your ability to maintain composure will help your child do the same. To calm them down, gently talk them through their frustration.

The aim is to get past the tantrum, meltdown, or argument rather than solve it.

Additionally, instead of putting your child in time out for acting up, take them to a calm area of the playground or their favorite bedroom nook. Stay composed and encouraging, close by, and accessible for comfort.

Related: 11 Surefire Parenting Tactics to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Thrive

3. Respect your child’s age, temperament, and sensory sensitivity

Acknowledge your child’s unique view of the world, particularly their understanding of time. Children vary widely in how and when they can grasp time.

Deeply feeling children usually struggle with transitions, so be empathetic when they see them having a hard time. Rather than expecting them to jump up from a game at the park to get in the car, give them a few minutes’ notice to help them switch gears.

Sensory sensitivities and the stage of development can also play a role in defiant behavior. For example, when you ask your preschooler to put their socks on, ensure they know how and don’t have sensory issues (some sensitive children don’t like the seams, for instance). Then, try to spend some time teaching new tasks and do them together until they get the hang of it.

Sometimes what appears to be defiance is:

• the inability to follow through on a difficult task,
• a task that has to be broken down into smaller steps, or
• has to do with physical discomfort.

Related: The Highly Sensitive Child Guide (2022)

4. Reinforce positive behavior

Rewards and consequences are not new, but they can be challenging to implement with defiant preschoolers.

Many parents are so preoccupied with challenging behaviors that they stop reinforcing good ones. Instead, always emphasize the positive and praise your kid when they adapt or collaborate.

Instead of paying attention to your preschooler solely when they’re struggling, try to catch them acting well, too.

Giving specific praise (“Thanks for putting your pants in the hamper!” or “It’s so nice when you share with your little brother!”) will help your child to do more of the same.

Remember to keep your praise as detailed as possible and emphasize the effort rather than the result. Instead of general praise (“Good!”), try to be more specific and include a nonverbal gesture like a hug or a kiss (“It was helpful the way you played so quietly while I changed your brother’s diaper!“). Then give your kid a high-five after that.

Related: Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child: Have You Ever Felt You’re Rewarding Bad Behavior?

5. Ignore your defiant child’s antics

Undesirable behavior (like using foul language) is a way of getting your attention.

When your child engages in less-than-desirable actions, you might be inclined to scold them. Instead, however, it would help if you restrain yourself.

It’s essential to make sure your remarks address the behavior and not your child as a person.

Avoid phrases like “You’re so clumsy!” and “You’re always getting into trouble.”

6. Apply the rule of three reminders

Give your child two minutes to do the task the first time you ask them. If they refuse, politely state, “I’m asking you to put on your shoes again.” I’ll turn the TV off if you don’t so you can focus on getting dressed for school. “The TV goes off if you have to ask three times.

How you frame your request also matters. So, “Don’t leave your books on the floor.” becomes “Please put your books on the shelf.”

7.  Distract and redirect your defiant child

Avoid situations that might encourage defiance. For example, it’s challenging for young children to behave perfectly in a shopping center or be quiet while you sip coffee for an hour.

If you find yourself in a tricky situation, distract and redirect. For example, if you’re walking through the mall and see a toy store that usually sends your kid into a frenzy, try to divert them (“Hey, where do you want to have lunch? Would you like to eat at the restaurant over there?”)

8. Take a break if you are about to make things worse

It is best to take a little break if you are about to escalate a conflict with your child. It serves as an excellent example for your child, too. You’re not just calming yourself down during this time; you’re also showing your kid how to do the same. Just make sure that your kid is safe while you are in another room.

If your child decides to take a break from you to calm themselves, encourage that decision. Your child will have time to reflect on her behavior and any possible repercussions.

Related: 8 Secrets for Surviving When You’re a Highly Sensitive Parent

9. Pick your battles

Parenting is challenging even when everything is going smoothly, but it’s even more exhausting when one of your kids is intentionally misbehaving. So, make sure you use your energy smartly!

If your preschooler wants to wear a red dress and an orange striped shirt, that is fine. Do you really want to miss the birthday celebration because of her wardrobe choices? It’s acceptable to turn your head occasionally.

However, if she chooses not to participate in sports classes, it is a big problem. Keep your child’s energy and yours for major disagreements only.

10. Set reasonable expectations for your defiant child

List examples of unacceptable behaviors such as disrespecting others, skipping chores or homework, damaging property, or using physical force like punching or biting.

Take the time to debate the list and work together to establish rules, consequences, and limits. By cooperating, your child will feel more in control. In addition, giving your preschooler a say can boost their self-esteem.

Be sure to consider your child’s abilities, both strong and weak. By doing this, you can avoid getting frustrated and shaming your child when they use defiance to cope with anxiety or learning difficulties.

Then, put the list on the refrigerator where everyone can see it. In this way, behavior expectations are always evident in your home.

11. Enforce consequences consistently

Without a doubt, enforcing consequences takes time and effort. That’s why everyone struggles with consistent and positive discipline.

So, next to each unacceptable behavior, write the consequence, so everyone knows the expectations. Then, when things are going well, not after an incident, it is the moment to talk about limits and consequences.

Make sure the consequence is either natural or related to the mistake. For example, if your child steals money from your bag, they have to work (do extra chores) to pay back the money. Or if they hit a sibling, both kids will take a five-minute break away to calm down.

You will need to apply consequences consistently. Consistency is vital if you don’t want to reinforce bad habits. Don’t offer your child a second chance once they are old enough to comprehend that their actions have repercussions. They will learn that you don’t respect your own rules from this.

Do not offer rewards or privileges in exchange for better behavior. You are merely allowing your child to push you to your limit. The objective is to show your child that breaking the rules has consequences rather than to keep him from ever breaching the rules.

Also, be clear that these consequences don’t have anything to do with your love for your child. Use a firm but not a harsh tone of voice when speaking, and remind them of your love.

12. Cooperate and give choices

Giving your young child a chance to choose for themselves enables them to exercise their autonomy in a supervised setting. They’ll have to make more complex decisions as they grow. You may therefore support them today by offering them options.

For instance, let them choose between two shirts you’ve placed out rather than insisting they wear the clothing you’ve selected. Ask if they’d like peas or broccoli with dinner, and let them pick three or four stories for bedtime.

Telling your child what they can do and not what they cannot is another technique to make them feel more in control. So rather than saying, “Don’t play with your football in the dining room!” say, “Let’s go outside and play.” Or, if they want ice cream before lunch, tell them they can have one after they eat or offer a healthier snack.

13. Regularly talk with your defiant child

Sit down with your child when you have some downtime when things are going well and you don’t foresee a power struggle immediately. Instead, let them know that your goals are to keep them secure and guide them as they become responsible, happy adults. Remind her that your family’s rules and beliefs aren’t there to hurt her while she’s growing up but rather for the future.

14. Get them to let their emotions out through play.

The best way to get to the root of defiance and find out what your preschooler is feeling is to engage them in play:

• Drawing. For example, you can ask your child to associate important persons in their life (with whom they behave defiantly) with a feeling.
• Play pretend games with their favorite characters.
• Make stories. Ask your child to tell you a story. You’ll be amazed at how many of their daily struggles they include in the story.
• Kids yoga. Yoga is a fun and quick way to help your child self-regulate and start talking about big feelings. There are plenty of options on the internet, but, as we’re all about convenience, we’ve created the Kids Yoga Cards for you. It has a black and white version for coloring, and also a Yoga Poses poster. Check it out!

Could it be oppositional defiance disorder (ODD)?

There can be a broad range of defiance in children. Some strong-willed kids were just born that way. Others may react to a recent traumatic experience, while a smaller percentage are formally diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). According to AACP (the American Academy of Child and Adolescent), up to 16 percent of children struggle with ODD.

Every child is defiant occasionally, particularly when hungry, tired, upset or stressed. They may argue, talk back, and defy parents, teachers, and other adults. Highly sensitive children are more likely to be defiant at home, where they feel safe.

Children with ODD have a persistent pattern of becoming defiant and hostile toward authority figures, which substantially impairs their daily functioning.

According to AACP, symptoms of ODD can include:

• Frequent tantrums
• Excessive arguing with adults
• Regularly challenging rules
• Failing to follow the rules and actively disobeying adult requests
• Intentionally irritating or offending others
• Blaming others for their mistakes
• Being frequently annoyed or irritated by others
• A lot of resentment and anger
• When upset, saying cruel and harsh things
• Irritation and a desire for vengeance.

It may be best to seek specialist advice if you believe your child’s defiance is disruptive at school or home and has been for longer than you can handle

A Take-Home Message: A Defiant Child Has a Lot to Offer

Never forget that defiant children have a lot to give once their behavior is under control. They tend to be very much their own person, with their unique way of looking at the world.

According to a 40-year longitudinal study, defiance was a leading predictor of whether children (11 years old when the study began) grew up to become successful adults, as measured by income level. People who tend to break the rules are more likely to stand up for their values, leading them to live better lives. These people are excellent salary negotiators. They are determined and pursue their objectives tenaciously.

So, while defiance can drive you crazy as a parent, it’s also a trait that helps your child become a successful adult.

References

https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-With-Oppositional-Defiant-Disorder-072.aspx

Spengler, M., Brunner, M., Damian, R. I., Lüdtke, O., Martin, R., & Roberts, B. W. (2015). Student characteristics and behaviors at age 12 predict occupational success 40 years later over and above childhood IQ and parental socioeconomic status. Developmental psychology, 51(9), 1329-1340. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000025

1. Gently weaning off the breast
2. Plan ahead
3. Postpone feeding sessions
4. Make time for extra bonding
5. Offer solids and water before nursing
6. Shorten breastfeeding sessions
7. Limit nursing outside of your home
8. Don’t offer, don’t say “no.”
9. Avoid weaning during significant transitions
10. Tell your toddler what’s going on
11. Keep your breasts covered
12. Ask your partner for help

The World Health (WHO) recommends breastfeeding for two years or more. In addition, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends breastfeeding for one year or longer. Moreover, AAP uses the expression ”as mutually desired by mother and infant,” meaning that breastfeeding doesn’t have to be child-centered.

Therefore, don’t feel guilty if you believe it’s time to start weaning.

Combining breastfeeding with daily life can be challenging, particularly if you have more children.

Moreover, continuing to nurse while ignoring the frustration it brings can worsen postpartum depression for some mothers.

Sometimes, parents go on breastfeeding because they don’t know how to wean without causing upset to their toddler. Also, weaning an HSC toddler can be twice as hard because they tend to be so attached and quick to react.

So, what’s the trick?

Here are twelve effective techniques for weaning an HSC toddler without too much drama:

1. Gently weaning off the breast

There is no best way to stop breastfeeding. Each parent and child are unique, and likewise, their breastfeeding partnership will be.

But gradually weaning is the gentlest way to go. For your HSC to feel confident throughout the process, you need to plan and help them build a little patience.

2. Plan ahead

Many of us try to gently wean when we are already exhausted from breastfeeding on demand and endless night feedings. However, exhaustion coupled with your HSC’s increased anxiety raises exponentially the risk of weaning off abruptly.

Often, parents plan to nurse as long as the baby wants but no longer than a certain age, like six months, a year, or maybe two. So the road to gentle weaning should start when you know the maximum age.

If you breastfeed on demand up to the age you want to stop, it will be difficult to break the habit suddenly. It’s like expecting your child to stop eating chocolate when you have never set a limit on sweets.

So, to wean gradually is best to plan. For example, you could start by helping your toddler build the skills they need to navigate this difficult period: empathy and patience.  

It’s best to take small steps towards weaning an HSC toddler as early as they start to show the first signs of empathy and patience.

3. Postpone: “Not now, later.”

Postponing means asking your toddler to wait a moment until you’re ready for your feeding session.

To be able to do that, your HSC toddler will need some basic understanding of empathy and patience.

Fortunately, HSCs are usually more empathetic than non-HSCs.

Also, children start showing empathy earlier than we think. Early signs include smiling at 6-8 weeks, showing concern when seeing a sad face at 8-10 months, enjoying pretend play from 12 months onwards, and simple helping (like bringing a new diaper) from 14-18 months.

On the flip side, teaching patience is challenging, as all parents know. In addition, HSCs are also quick to react when upset, making the task even more difficult.

Practicing in situations that are less likely to make your HSC toddler anxious is an excellent way to teach patience.

Here are some examples:

• “First, we clean up the toys, and then we’ll read this book.”
•  “We’ll play outside after we finish lunch.”

After your toddler has mastered some patience, you can suggest something like this:

• “I’m going to use the bathroom, and then we’ll nurse.”
• “We’re going to read an extra book today, and then we’ll feed, okay? So here’s your water if you’re thirsty in the meantime.”

Please don’t make them wait for too long, though. And if you say “just a minute,” don’t make it ten minutes. Toddlers need to feel confident that we take their needs seriously. So, instead, setting a timer (for one minute, then for 5 minutes, etc.) and following through might be a gentler way to teach them a little patience.

4. Make time for extra bonding

A two-year-old toddler usually nurses both for comfort and food.

What’s more, HSC toddlers are often very attached to their parents or guardian. Some would label them “clingy,” even. So, prioritize extra opportunities for bonding, having in mind their sensitive temperament.

So, consider offering comfort by having more one-on-one time (especially outdoors where they are more likely to forget about nursing), cuddling, reading a story, dancing together, or singing a song. Make sure to fill their bucket before feeding time.

5. Offer solids and water before a feeding session

As for food, you might offer a snack or a good meal before nursing to shorten the session.

Also, your toddler might feed at night because they are thirsty. So, dropping night feedings might be tricky during summer. Instead, you might introduce other liquids gradually, like water or formula.

6. Shorten feeding sessions when weaning your HSC toddler

Often toddlers are busy discovering the world and nurse only before naps and bedtime. These feedings are part of daily routines; eliminating them without tantrums is tricky.

Instead, you’re better off trying to shorten these feeding sessions. For example, you could nurse for a couple of minutes and then redirect (“Let’s look through this book!”). Also, having a bottle of water/formula nearby while you’re reading is helpful, along with reminding your child to drink so that they don’t ask to feed right as you turn off the lights.

Another option would be to start feeding closer to bedtime when your toddler is exhausted. In this case, ensure their stomach is full. Otherwise, your toddler might wake up after the first sleep cycle, which lasts about 30-45 minutes.

7. Limit breastfeeding when not at home

Limiting feeds outside your home is a great idea to wean off the breast gently. When outdoors or visiting, your toddler is likely to engage more easily in other activities.

Or, when the time for feeding approaches, try engaging your child in their favorite activities, like running around or playing hide-and-seek.

Stroller naps are also an excellent option to avoid a feeding session and a great opportunity for Dad to offer support.

8. Don’t offer, but don’t say “no” either when weaning your HSC toddler

When your HSC toddler asks to nurse, it’s best not to refuse. However, don’t mention breastfeeding if they are busy playing. Also, avoid sitting where you usually breastfeed, like on the couch.

To keep them busy and forget about feeding, you can stay in another room than they usually nurse. Also, changing the daily routine might work.

9. Avoid weaning during significant transitions

HSC toddlers don’t do well with changes in their routines, so try to be as understanding as you can and implement the change in small steps.

For instance, if you plan to wean because you have another baby on the way, start the process at least a couple of months before giving birth. This way, your toddler won’t feel like you’re rushing them into something they are unprepared for.

Moreover, moving your toddler to their room is also not a great time to start weaning. 

10. Tell your toddler what’s going on

Two-year-old toddlers may not express their thoughts but they understand a lot. When you feel it’s time to wean, tell your child that they have grown up now and, instead of breastfeeding, you can do much more interesting activities together.

You might make it fun by offering big-kid snacks to show they are not babies anymore.

So often, toddlers feel that losing the comfort of breastfeeding is like losing you. So, explain to your kid that your connection will remain strong even if you stop breastfeeding: “I love you, and that won’t change even if you don’t breastfeed.”

Of course, these discussions will likely make your toddler anxious, but allow time for the idea to sink in. So, don’t rush them and stay positive.

11. Keep your breasts covered

Ensure your toddler doesn’t see your breasts: avoid low-cut blouses, and don’t get dressed in front of your toddler.

Some moms like to wear a bra or an extra layer of clothes at night. However, extra clothes might make you uncomfortable if your HSC toddler is stubborn and insists on night feedings.

12.  Ask your partner for help when weaning your HSC toddler

Your partner might agree with weaning initially but, later on, might become less supportive when realizing this process requires extra involvement on their part.

However, your partner’s attitude towards weaning is essential because your HSC toddler will likely pick up the tension and become anxious.

As long as your partner is supportive, weaning off the breast doesn’t have to become a big discussion topic in your family. Instead, all of you should see it as part of your regular routine.

References

Viktoriya Wörmann, Manfred Holodynski, Joscha Kärtner, Heidi Keller, A cross-cultural comparison of the development of the social smile: A longitudinal study of maternal and infant imitation in 6- and 12-week-old infants, Infant Behavior and Development, Volume 35, Issue 3, 2012, Pages 335-347, ISSN 0163-6383, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2012.03.002 (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0163638312000410)

Ronit Roth-Hanania, Maayan Davidov, Carolyn Zahn-Waxler, Empathy development from 8 to 16 months: Early signs of concern for others, Infant Behavior and Development, Volume 34, Issue 3,
2011, Pages 447-458, ISSN 0163-6383, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2011.04.007.
(https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0163638311000506)

Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring – quite often the hard way.

In this article:

• How to help your HSC Toddler cope with a Newborn
• Don’t Feed the Flames: Top 3 Things to Avoid Saying to Your HSC Toddler

Becoming a parent can be overwhelming. Becoming a sibling can be overwhelming, too.

My highly sensitive (HSC) daughter was two and a half years old when her sister was born. We had an incredible connection before the baby was born. We always discussed, negotiated, and set limits with empathy. We spent loads of time together as a family of three.

However, things changed when her sister was born. Clearly, we expected jealousy as our HSC was pretty high maintenance. But her behavior crossed a line. My sweet HSC toddler would scream at the top of her lungs when the baby had colic. She would pee on the floor “as babies do” and attempt to climb on me while I was breastfeeding her baby sister. Also, she would be close to exploding around younger children who cried when we were out and about.

We started to get worried about her behavior. She was definitely overwhelmed, and we felt at a loss about her emotional struggles.

We needed to find an effective strategy to help her manage the significant change. The way we had been parenting worked for an only HSC. But add high sensitivity and a new sibling into the mix, and you get a living hell.

Fortunately, after reading more about high sensitivity and siblings’ relationships, I found these excellent tips that I will share with you.

Here are 25 simple suggestions that worked for us:

1. Be honest with your HSC toddler

Your eldest child will face a change of status and feel their position in the family undermined by the new baby.

Therefore, let your HSC toddler know that initially adjusting to a new baby may be challenging. Anyway, highly sensitive children are very intuitive and will know something is going on.

It’s best to have an open conversation and assure them that they are special to you, no matter what. Also, answer any questions your toddler might have without inducing anxiety.

Though the arrival of a new baby is challenging, you will eventually settle into a new routine.

2. Be honest to yourself

You don’t have as much energy to play with your toddler. You may feel guilty for putting your HSC toddler through such a big change.

On their part, your kid fears that they will lose the connection with you, as they are such sensitive little souls.

You can’t hold them in your arms as often as before because your back already hurts from holding the baby in your arms day and night. Having your HSC toddler in your lap suddenly feels difficult, too.

And you are so tired that you want a little time by yourself when the baby sleeps.

Know that these feelings are normal, Mamma! So, allow yourself time to understand your emotions. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Adding a new baby to the family is challenging for everyone.

3. It’s okay to mourn your “family of three”

Sometimes, parents mourn for their life before, despite the joy and gratitude that a new baby brings. Second-time mom guilt happens more often than we care to admit.

So, instead of disguising your sorrow, tell your HSC toddler that you also feel a bit overwhelmed and reassure them of their important place in your family. Your HSC toddler needs to know what makes them unique and your unconditional love for them as an individual.

4. Show empathy to your HSC toddler

Accept your toddler’s negative feelings and be prepared for regression and outbursts. Children cope with uncomfortable changes primarily by showing challenging behaviors. Their brain is not well developed enough. Hence their impulses will ride over their desire to please you.

When correcting our toddlers’ mistakes while they’re distressed, our kids may get the unspoken message that they are bad and defiant. They thus enter into a cycle of shame.

However, HSCs are conscientious by nature, so they always do their best. Their negative behaviors are usually misguided attempts at meeting their needs.

Moreover, try to empathize by showing that you also have mixed feelings when you get overwhelmed. A new baby is a time of unchartered change for everybody.

Also, empathize by focusing less on what your HSC toddler is doing wrong. Specifically, instead of “I understand you’re angry, but hitting is not allowed,” you could say, “I see you’re angry. How can I help you?”. When they suffer, children need to feel seen rather than corrected.

5. Show love to both children simultaneously

Sometimes, parents want to avoid sibling jealousy so much that they ignore the baby when the toddler is present.

But showing love simultaneously to both kids sends the message that you are there for them both and are a united family of four. Likewise, cuddling the baby while encouraging the toddler to participate helps build a strong bond between siblings.

6. Accept attempts for connection during feeding time

Feeding time is particularly challenging for an HSC toddler, especially if you are breastfeeding exclusively and not using bottles.

When they see you feeding the baby, an HSC toddler will get particularly jealous of the closeness between you and the baby. Therefore, they may become clingy, whiney, ask you to play together, or downright cry and scream at you to put the baby down.

It’s hard for a Mamma to choose which child she’ll let cry.

Here are some helpful tips to help you navigate through these challenging periods:

#1. Let the negative feelings out before feeding time

Be tolerant of negative emotions if you know feeding time is approaching so that your HSC has time to decompress. Also, try to laugh and play as much as possible in the hour before feeding.

#2. Encourage hugs from your HSC toddler while feeding the baby

It’s tough, but try to do your best to make your toddler feel included. If you can’t use your arms, ask your toddler to give you a hug or a kiss. “Oh, I want a hug you so much, but my hands are busy right now. Could you hug Mamma, please? I need one right now.”

#3. Have a snack/special treat together during feeding time

If the kid wants a bottle or asks why you need to breastfeed, tell them that older kids can have special treats while babies can’t. You could also try offering a snack (“Hey, let’s have a snack together while we feed the baby. We are older and we can have special treats, while the baby drinks milk only. Isn’t it boring to be a small baby?”)

#4. Have your HSC toddler play in the bathtub

All children love to play in the bathtub. So, if your HSC toddler is on the verge of a tantrum while you’re nursing, consider inviting them to have a bath. You will have to feed the baby in the bathroom, which is not very comfortable. However, it’s better than a tantrum. Make sure you have lots of toys in the bathroom so that you don’t have to get up and look for toys while feeding the baby.

7. Expect your HSC toddler to do well

Though it may sound weird, it’s the most fantastic advice that I received from my mom. Our children always try to live up to our expectations, therefore always presume the best possible intent.

So, when someone asks, “How is your toddler coping with the new baby?” admit that the change is hard but always say something positive about how your HSC toddler behaves around the baby:

• “Oh, it’s a big change, but they love the baby so much,”
• “They talk so nicely to the baby and help me change their diapers.” 

8. Plan extra one-on-one time with your HSC toddler

A ten-minute daily special time can do wonders to your connection. But, of course, the essential rule is to be uninterrupted quality time. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, though.

Moreover, one-on-one time works best when kids decide what to do during this time. So let your HSC toddler choose whatever games and activities they would like you to do together.

However, reading before bedtime doesn’t count as a special time if it’s already part of your daily routine.

9. Help your HSC toddler feel included

One way of helping your HSC toddler settle into their new role is to include them in taking care of the baby. The idea is to invite rather than pressure them into helping.

But they might also refuse as small children tend to ignore newborn babies in the first weeks. However, praise their behavior when they help you with the baby.

Also, older siblings feel included when we call the baby theirs:

• “Oh, your baby needs a diaper change. Do you want to help me change her?”
• “It sounds like your baby is waking up. Do you want to come to get her with me?”
• “Your baby’s crying. I wonder how we can help her.”

10. Make your HSC toddler feel important

For HSCs, their connection with their parents is crucial. They need to know that they matter to you.

Children feel important when they are part of such a challenging task as taking care of the baby, but also when we fulfill their needs fast.

However, a toddler’s needs suddenly seem less pressing than changing and feeding a newborn with a new baby around.

What can we do? 

First, we aim to help the HSC toddler become more patient when waiting for us to help them. Secondly, we need to have a strong connection so that the toddler is willing to wait their turn.

Fortunately, there are some simple techniques that I’m going to share with you:

• Don’t blame it on the newborn: “I can’t wait to build a tall tower with you. I’ll be there as soon as my hands are free.”
• Praise positive behavior: “Thanks for bringing me a clean diaper. I would have had to go to another room to get a diaper, so you really helped me. Thanks a lot!”.
• Make the kid feel special: “I like it so much when we play this game together,” or “I like it so much when we go to the farmers’ market.”
• Let your HSC toddler be the star: when people come to see the new baby, let your HSC toddler introduce them to the new baby and ask guests to bring a gift for the toddler rather than the baby.
• Say something positive about the toddler to people admiring the baby: “The baby’s gorgeous like his big brother.”

11. Offer quiet time to your HSC toddler

Highly sensitive children need quiet time to recharge after spending time in an overstimulating environment (like when living with a newborn).

So, when your HSC toddler feels overwhelmed, ask them if they would like to go into their room or another quiet place and do some fun and relaxing activities on their own. Listening to an audiobook, doing a puzzle, and playdough are great ideas for decompressing.

12. Explain to your HSC toddler why the baby is crying

Whenever your HSC toddler and new baby are unsettled, remain calm and talk matter-of-fact try to talk to your eldest about what is happening and why. Speak calmly while explaining logically why the baby is upset. Here are some examples:

• “Baby is crying. Maybe he’s hungry. Let’s try feeding her”.
• “Baby seems unsettled. It’s about nap time. Let’s give her a nap”.

Frequently, the noise the baby makes triggers highly sensitive children. If that’s the case, you can buy headphones and teach the HSC toddler to ask to move the baby away or express their need for quiet time in a different room.

13. Praise the sibling when talking to the baby

Overhearing your praise will improve your HSC toddler’s self-esteem and attitude markedly:

• “Your sister brought you your bunny. She’s so kind. You’re so lucky to have such a sister!”
• “Your sister brought me the wipes from the other room. That’s so nice of her. You’re so lucky, baby!”

14. Tell your HSC toddler stories about when they were a baby

Explain to your HSC toddler how they wanted you to hold them in your arms and show them things around the house or how much they liked you to dance with them in your arms. Such stories will help your kid feel loved and understand what it will be like with a new baby around.

15. Read books on new babies

Books can be a lovely starting point for conversations about babies. They can also be healing.

So, as you read a book about babies and nursing, ask your toddler questions like:

• How did the little bear feel about his mother not being able to climb the trees with him?
• How do you think the little bear felt when his mother told him to care for his little brother?
• Why did he feel like that?
• Do you think his mother knew how he felt?
• What can the little bear do?

16. Do a social story

What’s a social story? You take a photo of your HSC toddler and add it into a story about the arrival of a new baby.

Use the social story to talk about the baby fussing, crying, feeding time, diaper changes, and night waking.

17. Playing pretend with baby dolls

Baby dolls are an excellent way to teach a toddler about feeding, changing, and carrying a new baby in a baby carrier or sling.

Additionally, you can explain to your HSC toddler how to soothe a baby by holding the doll to their chest and breathing calmly and deeply while singing to or swaying it. It is not only a way to calm their baby brother or sister but also to self-soothe. Self-regulation is a crucial skill HSCs need for adjusting to a new sibling.

18. Let them choose what toys and books to put aside for the baby

Let your toddler choose what toys, clothes, and books to set aside for the baby.

Also, decorate the baby’s room together. For example, ask your HSC toddler to draw or paint something beautiful for the baby.

19. Have a busy box for feeding time

To create a busy box, get a plastic box and put together a small pack of goodies that your HSC toddler gets when you are feeding the baby. It should be something non-messy that keeps them engaged long enough for you to feed the baby. For example, it can be sensory bags, feathers, pompons, sensory fidget toys, squishy balls, or stickers. 

20. Use a baby carrier

Baby carriers are great because they allow you to have your hands free to play with your HSC toddler. You can even nurse the baby in the carrier, and the baby will feel happy to feel you near them.

Baby carriers are also great if you want to go to the park with your toddler. The baby can nap in the carrier while your toddler burns some energy.

21. Let your partner take control

Hug your HSC toddler and let your partner offer them sandwiches and eggs for lunch while you walk in the park during baby’s naptime.

Your partner may surprise you with his laid-back parenting style, which has nothing to do with yours. However, refrain from controlling everything. Otherwise, you risk having a less involved partner than you’d like in raising your children.

22. Have a video call with a family member when you’re busy with the baby

Ask a family member to entertain your HSC toddler through a video call while you nurse or need to bathe the baby.

Friends and family are usually so excited about the new baby that the discussion may revolve around the new baby. If that’s the case, you may need to tell them that, though your HSC toddler adores his new baby, they need to feel special, too, so the video call should be about them.

23. Rotate the toys and minimize clutter

Store part of the toys away and rotate them once a week. This way, your HSC toddler doesn’t get bored.

Additionally, set up the room for play during feeding times. For example, have a playdough table in one corner, some books in another corner, and maybe a train track on the mat.

Also, keep the room decluttered so that your HSC toddler doesn’t feel overwhelmed at seeing toys all around. This way, they are more likely to play.

24. Get plenty of outdoor time

HSCs benefit a lot from spending time outdoors. Simply walking in the park and feeling the fresh air reduces cortisol and adrenaline and makes us feel happier. In addition, toddlers have a lot of energy, whether or not they are HSC. Burning it on the playground can make them more cooperative.

Going to the park with an HSC toddler and a newborn has its challenges, but it is manageable. You can put the baby in a sling or other baby carrier and thus have your hands free to play with the toddler. Another option would be to have playdates in the park, as the other moms can help take care of the baby. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.

25. Limit the unnecessary “No.”

Sometimes, we say “No” to our children and hold onto old-fashioned ideas without giving them a thought. We reinforce behaviors and ideologies that were passed over from our parents but are unnecessary and don’t need to follow.

We need to think about our “No’s” and ask ourselves if they are necessary.

A new baby’s arrival is an uncomfortable change for everyone in the family. However, as we are busy with our new responsibilities, we may forget that we need to respect our older child’s autonomy. Hence, an HSC toddler will backlash as they don’t know how to express themselves otherwise.

Don’t feed the flames: Top 3 things to avoid saying to your HSC toddler

#1. You’re making me…

Kids shouldn’t be responsible for our feelings. Instead of “You’re making me sad, ” state the cause and effect facts, “You are hitting me with your legs, and it hurts. Please stop.”

#2. Don’t wake up the baby.

Toddlers often feel they have no control over their lives.

So, it’s no wonder that they believe they have discovered a superpower when all they hear all day is “Don’t wake up the baby.”

Waking the baby up is their opportunity to get revenge on the new being that has stolen you from them.

Therefore, instead of telling your kid that, you could say,” Remind me to be quiet while the baby’s sleeping. It’s your responsibility. The more she sleeps, the more time we can spend together playing your favorite games.”

#3. Mamma’s tired because of the baby.

Many parents believe they should tell an HSC toddler that their mom can’t play with them as she’s too tired because of the baby.

However, the toddler may associate the baby’s arrival with the fact that Mamma is now unable to meet their needs. So, instead of “Mamma’s tired because of the baby,” say, “Mamma’s not feeling well right now,” and try to connect in another way.

Final thought

I must say that we had a rough time transitioning to a family of four and went through epic sibling rivalry with our highly sensitive toddler. However, things eventually returned to normal, and our girls became best play buddies when the younger one was about two. They are both older now, and I wonder whether it’s time for baby #3.

Some babies go with the flow, manage transitions easily, aren’t picky with food and clothes textures, and sleep better. And it’s hard not to envy parents who have it easier when you have a contact napper.

For the first year of my son’s life, he only wanted human touch and my boobs. Actually, my baby was a complete contact napper. He didn’t want a pacifier, so I would rock and sway him to sleep. White noise didn’t work either; instead, I sang Christmas carols to him. Carols were the only songs I knew back then. Of course, he was a poor napper, too, so he didn’t sleep in the car and pram either.

“It’s funny how day by day nothing changes. But when you look back, everything is different.”

C.S. Lewis

By the time he turned nine months, it had worsened because he didn’t breastfeed to sleep any longer. But he still needed body contact throughout the night and during daytime naps. In addition, he wanted to latch non-stop if he was teething to make things worse.

As much as I adored my contact napper, I was human. So, I needed to sneak away to use the bathroom, take a short shower, and, ideally, eat.

So, why was my baby so anxious when I wasn’t around? Initially, I suspected that he might be hungry. However, he gained weight steadily and was above average, so I excluded poor latching.

As he became a toddler, it became apparent that he was wired differently. Then, when he was two, a friend told me about Elaine Aron and high sensitivity.

Finding out that my contact napper was a highly sensitive person (HSP) was a breakthrough.

After reading about highly sensitive children, I learned to adjust my expectations. You can, too, if you follow these straightforward tips.

Keep in mind your child’s HSP temperament

HSPs are more aware of what happens around them, like the surrounding sounds and lights and other people’s moods. They are also more emotionally intense.

Absorbing so much information becomes overwhelming at some point, so many HSPs need to retreat to a calm, secluded place to recharge their energy.

What does this mean for babies? As they are more sensitive to their environment, highly sensitive babies may not be able to sleep surrounded by bright lights and noise. For example, maybe they can’t nap in the stroller because of the traffic noise.

Additionally, their heightened sensitivity means that they may startle more easily. Noises like the garbage truck passing by or the toilet flushing can scare a sensitive baby.

Hence, having you close by while they sleep helps ease their anxiety.

Fill your contact napper’s need for physical touch before bedtime

Babies that are more sensitive crave contact more than others, in order to regulate their emotions. Therefore, to encourage contact nappers to sleep more independently, we need to fill their cup.

Here are a few simple tips:

• baby massage
• baby yoga stretches
• swaddling
• utilizing compression sheets or even a weighted blanket if your kid is older than 3
• co-sleeping (co-sleeping may not be an option for everyone, for it can be exhausting when you have to go to work early the next day; however, many families swear by it)

Ease your baby’s anxiety

If they are highly sensitive, contact nappers may get anxious when they feel you are not around, simply because this is how their brain works.

Here are some strategies to help you ease their anxiety:

• have a well-established routine, especially regarding bedtime and naptime (sensitive children usually thrive on routine and find transitions challenging)
• be relaxed during the sleep routine so that your baby doesn’t absorb your worries
• get fresh air and exercise every day.

How to breastfeed, co-sleep and actually sleep

Co-sleeping is five million years old. That’s how long humans have been on the globe.

Basically, it is an old family habit associated with breastfeeding, and many societies continue to practice it.

So, considering the human species’ history, it’s normal for a baby to want to be close to you, and you’re not creating a bad habit.

Still, it’s hard to get a good night’s sleep when you’re stuck all night under your bub.

Here are some tactics to help you:

• Nurse side laying. In this way, you’ll have less difficulty going back to sleep after breastfeeding.
• Avoid breastfeeding in the first hour of sleep. Sleep is more profound in the first part of the night, so there’s a higher chance your contact napper will go back to sleep on their own after the first sleep cycle.
• Give your baby time to resettle. A loud whine while asleep doesn’t mean your baby is waking up or needing to feed; give them 10 seconds to see if they go back to sleep without your help. Sometimes, they growl because they need to burp, turn on the other side or start another sleep cycle.
• Unlatch slowly while putting some pressure on the bottom lip. This way, they might not notice if you go away.
• Give them something of yours to smell while they sleep. For instance, have one of your used T-shirts near your baby’s nose. Your smell will soothe them.
• Have a crib attached to your bed. Like this, you can breastfeed side laying and won’t have little feet on your face waking you up at night.
• Offer milk or water or in a sippy cup. Try having the sippy cup ready so you don’t have to get out of bed. For instance, I used to keep the sippy cub in the corner of the crib, next to the mattress. Then, at around two and a half years, my son used to drink from it on his own without waking me.
• Tapping on the bum and shushing helps babies go back to sleep.
• Some babies sleep better on their sides or the stomach. However, don’t try this on infants who haven’t figured out how to turn.

How to get your contact napper to sleep in the pram or car during the day

Having a contact napper is like being sentenced to bed for about 12 hours a day. So, getting your sensitive baby to sleep in the pram or the car can benefit your mental health massively when you are in the thick of it.

The good news is that you can try these simple tactics:

• Understand the baby’s sleep patterns. For instance, my son had a 15-minute window when he could fall asleep quickly if I reduced stimuli to a minimum. So, I would get him in the car at the very first signs of drowsiness.
• Have someone to help you with naps. Babies are needier with the primary caregiver, and they are known to behave differently with different persons.
• Keep trying to do naps in the car. Babies change their behavior as they grow, so you never know when it might work.

How to keep your mental health when you have a contact napper

Your mental health matters, Mama, because you can’t fill your baby’s cup if yours is empty.

Here are some effective tactics to keep you going:

• Make sure your needs are met before naptime. For example, have a snack, bring a glass of water to the bedroom, and use the bathroom. Also, make sure you charge your tablet and phone before naptime.
• Keep your tablet close by when lying in bed next to your bub. For example, I binge-watched Netflix while nursing side laying. One episode usually lasts around 45 minutes, which equals a baby’s sleep cycle.
• Babywearing lets you meet your friends for coffee while the baby sleeps peacefully by the boob.
• Accept outside help. While you might disagree with how your husband or baby’s grannies take care of the baby, you need to take a break from time to time.
• It will pass. Although it’s exhausting when you are in the thick of it, contact nappers do eventually go to sleep independently. The first year is the hardest, but they become okay with having more independence as they turn the two-year milestone.

Don’t feel guilty if you have a contact napper

Babies are wired to want to be close to us.

In our Western culture, we try to convince parents that babies should sleep alone. But our babies don’t need fixing.

You don’t do anything wrong by providing your baby with the comfort and security they need. Instead, you give the base for secure attachment.

Final thought

Babies learn to sleep on their own using baby steps. Unfortunately, there isn’t a magic wand to sprinkle sleep dust on your baby. If such a thing existed, we would all know about it by now.

So, if you can, surrender to their needs and their love. Enjoying the connection can be soothing for you, too.

References

Aron, Elaine N. “The highly sensitive person: How to thrive when the world overwhelms you.” Kensington Publishing Corp., 2013.

Elaine S. Barry, Co-sleeping as a proximal context for infant development: The importance of physical touch, Infant Behavior, and Development, Volume 57, 2019, 101385, ISSN 0163-6383, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2019.101385. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0163638319301237)