Many deeply feeling children are loving and kind, and do well in school, but often they’ll come home and have outbursts. If you are the main caregiver, you probably take the brunt of the emotional outbursts. These fits can be a source of frustration and confusion – for both you and your child.

So why do 9-year-olds have emotional meltdowns?

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths.

Understanding emotional meltdowns in a 9-year-old

Nine-year-olds are more complex than adults give them credit. Their bodies are changing, their emotions are intensifying, and their friendships become more important – all at the same time. This exciting phase can also be a recipe for meltdowns that leave your child feeling a bit lost, and you feeling tired and frustrated.

Here’s a deeper look at some of the key factors contributing to meltdowns in this age group:

• Developmental hurdles: Your child’s brain is undergoing significant changes in the pre-teen years, affecting their ability to regulate emotions. Strong feelings like anger or sadness might feel overwhelmed by strong feelings like anger and sadness, and lack the maturity to express them effectively. In addition, feeling ashamed and vulnerable because of how they feel can also fuel the anger.
• Need for independence and low frustration tolerance: The desire for independence is strong at this age. They want to do things on their own terms, but their skill level and low frustration tolerance (many deeply feeling children get easily frustrated) can sometimes clash. This mismatch can lead to outbursts when things don’t go according to their plan.
• Sensory sensitivities: Many children have sensory sensitivities that contribute to meltdowns. Overstimulation from loud noises, bright lights, or uncomfortable clothes can be overwhelming and trigger outbursts. If you feel that your child struggles with sensory issues, check out our FREE 8 Sensory Cheat Sheets to understand the sensory needs behind a tantrum and learn easy sensory play ideas.
• High-demand environment: Some children thrive when raised using a low-demand parenting approach. That’s because constant demands at school and home can feel overwhelming for some kids, leading to challenging behaviors.
• Being a highly sensitive child: Some children are simply wired to be highly sensitive. They are more sensitive than kids their age. They process information, emotions, and sensory input more intensely than others. This can make them more susceptible to feeling overwhelmed and experiencing emotional meltdowns in situations that might seem ordinary to others. Moreover, some highly sensitive children also have underlying conditions like anxiety, ADHD, autism or learning difficulties.

Sensitivity makes 9-year-old tantrums more frequent

Occasional meltdowns might seem typical for a child, but frequent ones can be a clue that something deeper might be going on. For many kids, it could be a sign of high sensitivity. Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is a personality trait shared by about one third of people, both kids and grown-ups! Psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron first coined the term “highly sensitive person” about 30 years ago.

Highly sensitive kids see the world differently. They tend to be super empathetic and super in tune with the world around them. However, this same trait can also make them more prone to feeling overwhelmed than their peers. Without unconditional love and support, and understanding tailored to their unique needs, those big feelings can easily turn into emotional meltdowns.

Here are some telltale signs that your child might be a highly sensitive child (HSC), deeply feeling child, sensitively wired kid (whatever term you choose to use):

Emotional Intensity:

• Big emotions: HSCs feel emotions deeply, both positive and negative ones. Joy can be overflowing, and frustration can quickly escalate into meltdowns. If you feel like your child goes from 0 to 10 in one second, check out our Feelings Check-In freebie to equip your HSC with practical coping skills.
• Lots of empathy: HSCs tend to be highly empathetic, picking up on the emotions of others easily. This can be overwhelming in crowded or emotionally charged situations.
• Easily upset: Sensitively wired kids might be more easily upset by criticism, disappointment, or even minor changes in routine.

Sensory Sensitivities:

• Picky eaters: Strong sensitivities to tastes, textures, or smells can make them picky eaters.
• Noise sensitivity: Loud noises, like sirens or crowded environments, can be overwhelming and trigger meltdowns.
• Touch sensitivity: They might dislike certain clothing textures, tags, or uncomfortable fabrics.

Social Interactions:

• Prefers quiet play: Overstimulation can be draining, so they might prefer quiet activities like reading or solo play over large group activities.
• Observant: Deeply feeling children might appear shy initially, but they are often keen observers, taking time to warm up to new people and situations.
• Needs more downtime: After social interactions, they need quiet time to recharge and process all the social cues and emotions they’ve picked up on.

Other Signs:

• Highly creative: Many deeply feeling children have a rich inner world and are highly creative. This can be expressed through art, music, or imaginative storytelling.
• Strong sense of fairness: They tend to have a strong sense of justice, often sticking up for what they believe in.
• Perfectionism: The desire to do things “right” can sometimes manifest as perfectionism, leading to frustration if expectations aren’t met. Perfectionism can then lead to anxiety, which can trigger emotional meltdowns.

These signs can vary from child to child, and the presence of a few doesn’t necessarily mean your child is highly sensitive. However, if you recognize many of these characteristics, it’s worth checking out our Highly Sensitive Checklist for FREE.

17 Tips For Managing Emotional Meltdowns in 9-Year-Olds

Before the Meltdown

The best defense against a meltdown is a good offense – by recognizing the warning signs and taking proactive steps, you can often head it off at the pass. Here are five key tips to help you manage emotional meltdowns in your 9-year-old before they erupt:

• Learn your child’s triggers: Every child has their own meltdown triggers. It could be hunger, lack of sleep, a change in routine, or overwhelming social situations.  Pay close attention to your child’s behavior and identify situations, emotions, or physical cues that typically precede a meltdown. Once you know the triggers, you can proactively manage them.
• Routine is your friend:  Children at this age thrive on routine.  Establish predictable routines for meals, bedtime, homework, and playtime.  Having a clear structure provides a sense of security and reduces anxiety, which can be a major meltdown trigger.
• Open communication is key:  Create a safe space for open communication where your child feels comfortable expressing their feelings – big or small.  Actively listen to their concerns and validate their emotions, even if you don’t always agree.  This will help them feel heard and understood, reducing frustration and the likelihood of emotional meltdowns.
• Teach your child with coping skills:  Equip your child with healthy coping mechanisms to manage strong emotions before they reach a boiling point.  Deep breathing exercises, body scan, mindfulness techniques, movement strategies or using an emotions journal can be powerful tools.  Practice these techniques together during calm moments, so they become readily available when needed.
• Offer choices:  Nine-year-olds are yearning for independence.  Offer them choices whenever possible, even if it’s something simple like picking out their outfit or choosing a snack.  This sense of control empowers them and reduces frustration that might otherwise lead to an outburst.

During the meltdown

When the meltdown hits, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But remember, staying calm is key to helping your child navigate the storm. Here are five easy tips to guide you through the meltdown itself:

• Shift the focus on your emotions: It might sound counterintuitive, but the most important thing parents can do is to remain mindful of their own emotions during an outburst.  Your child is feeding off your energy, and a calm presence will provide a sense of security and stability.  Take deep breaths, remind yourself it’s temporary, and project a sense of calmness even if you don’t entirely feel it. 
• Respect their space (unless safety is at risk):  The urge to give your child a hug might be strong, but sometimes offering them space is the best approach.  Ask them what they need and let them know you’re there for them if they need you.  This allows them to work through their emotions in their own way.  However, if safety is at risk, intervene calmly and firmly to prevent them from hurting themselves or others.
• Validate their feelings: Don’t try to minimize their emotions by saying things like “It’s not a big deal” or “Don’t be silly.”  Instead, acknowledge their feelings with empathy.  For example, you could say, “I see [insert problem] makes you feel frustrated right now” or “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed.”  Validating their emotions helps them feel heard, which helps them go back to calm more quickly.
• Use “I” statements:  Instead of placing blame, use “I” statements to express concern.  For example, “I feel worried when you yell” is more effective than “You shouldn’t be yelling.”  “I” statements help set boundaries while keeping the focus on the situation, not the child.
• Minimize distractions: During an outburst, your child’s senses might be overloaded.  Remove any unnecessary distractions. For example, walk away from loud noises and crowds, and find a quiet place to calm down.

After the meltdown

The aftermath of a meltdown can be delicate. Your child might be feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or simply exhausted. It’s also a great moment to connect. Here are seven tips to help you navigate the post-meltdown phase:

• Reconnect: Once the storm has passed and both of you are calm, try to reconnect. This could be a hug, a shared activity you both enjoy (like doing a puzzle together), or simply watching a movie together. 
• Talk it out (without blaming): When everyone is calm, have a conversation about what triggered the outburst or the meltdown. Avoid blaming or criticizing your child. Instead, use open-ended questions to understand what triggered the meltdown.  For example, “What happened before you got so upset?”, or “What could have helped you feel calmer?”  This conversation helps you identify potential triggers and brainstorm solutions together.
• Positive reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise your child’s efforts to calm down after the meltdown.  You could say, “I’m so proud of how you calmed yourself down by taking deep breaths” or “It’s great that you used your coping skills to feel better.”  Positive reinforcement encourages them to continue using those healthy strategies in the future.
• Problem-solve together: Now that you understand the triggers, work together to brainstorm solutions.  This empowers your child and creates a sense of ownership over managing their emotions.  For example, they might need to communicate their needs earlier, request a quiet space when feeling overwhelmed, or agree on a “calm down” signal when they need a break.
• Celebrate your child’s strengths: Focus on your child’s superpowers to fuel your patience when you feel tired and frustrated by their behavior. Their outbursts might be loud but with a little understanding, you can teach them how to navigate those big feelings.
• Prioritize self-care: Dealing with frequent emotional meltdowns can be draining.  However, parenthood doesn’t equal martyrdom.  Remember to make time for yourself to replenish your energy reserves.  Whether it’s taking a relaxing bath, enjoying a hobby, or drinking coffee with a friend, taking care of yourself is key to helping you become the parent you want to be.
• Educate yourself about highly sensitive children: There are some great resources to help you understand highly sensitive children and how you can help them thrive. Elaine Aron, who coined the term “highly sensitive person” is a great way to start. Her book is “The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them”.

Our Big Feelings Child kit can also help you understand your child’s sensitivity. Packed with practical strategies and helpful scripts, the kit empowers you to become the parent you want to be. Uniquely, the kit includes a dedicated section for parents to focus on their own emotional well-being, empowering you to become the best parent you can be for your child. If you’re not ready for a deep dive yet, you can also check out our FREE Printables.

The highly sensitive parent is even more likely to get caught in this spiral of guilt and self-judgement, because they are more easily overwhelmed by their children’s explosive behaviors.

But there’s an alternative to negative self-talk: self-compassion. Self-compassion brings calm. It’s like a refuge from negative self-talk.

Self-compassion has three components:

• It requires self-kindness. We must be gentle with ourselves instead of harshly judgmental.
• It requires us to remain present instead of withdrawing. Feeling connected with others, having someone you can trust and share your worries and opinions with, is the second step toward building self-compassion. The alternative –feeling isolated – can only hurt us in the long run. Remember that humans are social beings, and adults need co-regulation, just like young children do.
• The third prerequisite is being mindful of negative thoughts and emotions. We need to be aware of our feelings and flaws in a non-judgmental way. Rather than ignoring our pain and weaknesses, exaggerating them, or blaming it on others, it helps to be neutrally aware. Otherwise, we might get stuck in a cycle of stagnation and self-conflict.

How is self-compassion related to parenting?

Lack of self-compassion can prevent you from enjoying your parenting journey, because of the pressure of being a perfect parent all the time. Additionally, your child can absorb your negative outlook and develop an “I’m not good enough” mindset (which we so often see in highly sensitive children!)

A 2018 study provided mothers in Australia with self-compassion tips and exercises, like imagining how they would help someone else, reminding themselves that they are not alone, and showing kindness through small gestures. Mothers who used the resources reported feeling better than mothers who did not—and they were less stressed by breastfeeding after the intervention.

A review of 13 research studies published between 2003 and 2020 showed that parents who practiced self-compassion were less affected by stress, depression, and anxiety.

Together, these studies suggest self-compassion may boost resilience and protect against criticism – from ourselves and others.

Why is self-compassion important for the highly sensitive parent?

Self-compassion is essential for the highly sensitive parent because they often feel guilty for their kids’ emotions even when it’s beyond their control. The highly sensitive parent is also prone to exhaustion because they get easily overwhelmed by their child’s behavior and the demands of parenting. Due to their empathetic nature, they also have difficulty setting boundaries. Deep feeling parents often question their parenting decisions, worrying if they are doing enough or if they are doing it right. The highly sensitive parent also reacts intensely to high-pressure parenting situations, which affects their ability to remain calm. That in turn, feeds their feelings of guilt and self-doubt.

That’s why self-compassion is something that the highly sensitive parent needs to learn if they want to be able to enjoy the parenting journey.

So, can we learn to be more self-compassionate? Sure. Here are three simple tips to build self-compassion.

1. The highly sensitive parent needs shorts breaks throughout the day

When they feel emotionally flooded by the demands of parenting, the highly sensitive parent may wonder how others do it. How can they have amazing full-time jobs and also take the kids to practice? How can their kids go to practice after school without having evening meltdowns? How can others go on long road trips with small children and still enjoy themselves? How do others have the energy and time to meet friends for coffee and go to the gym when parenting is a 24-hour job?

Those are the moments when it helps to take a self-compassion break.

What does that look like?

First, accept your feelings by saying, “This hurts” or “This is too much for me. I need a break.” Next, acknowledge that other parents have felt this way— 1 in 3 parents is highly sensitive! Last, offer yourself kindness by repeating positive affirmations like “I am worthy of love and kindness, just as I am,” “I give myself grace in challenging moments and celebrate my successes,” or simply “I am doing my best, and that is enough. I am a good parent.”

Of course, taking a break is not always possible. In that case, take a moment after the meltdown to say a few kind words to yourself.

You might even try EFT tapping: the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is a therapy that combines acupressure with modern psychology. It may sound strange but try it. See if it helps.

2. Loving-Kindness Meditation (LKM)

It’s the middle of the week. You’re trying to leave the house with your preschooler so that you can get her to school and yourself to work for a 9:00 am meeting. Your little one doesn’t know that even a five-minute delay can lead to a 30-minute difference in your commute time. She wants to put on her socks by herself. They feel itchy. Then she refuses to put her jacket on because she doesn’t like the fabric. Then she remembers that her best friend played with somebody else the day before, and she gets sad and says she wants to stay home with you.

The morning routine takes a long time; you get impatient. Pretty soon, both you and your daughter are having big emotions. After the 9:00 am meeting, you beat up on yourself for losing it.

This is where an early-morning loving-kindness meditation (LKM) can help. LKM originates from Buddhist practices and is also called “metta meditation.” The core idea behind LKM is to show unconditional kindness to yourself and others. It differs slightly from mindfulness, where the goal is to be present and notice what happens around you non-judgmentally.

The idea behind LKM is quite simple: think of a close friend, partner, or family member. This person loves you very much. Imagine that person talking kindly to you, sending you wishes for your safety and your well-being. Imagine you hear their kind voice and feel their positive energy. Then think of someone you don’t know well, like an acquaintance. You and this person share a similar wish: to be happy. The next step is to think of all the beings on this planet. They all share one thing: they wish to be safe and happy like you do.

Does LKM actually work? The results look promising. A 2015 review analysis examining 24 other studies on more than 1,700 individuals said LKM fostered positive emotions and concluded that more research is needed to understand better the brain processes that make LKM effective. A more recent study, from 2021, on people fighting depression showed that LKM, together with mindfulness therapy, improved depression symptoms.

A smaller LKM study was even made on parents. The researchers assigned 61 parents – mostly women in their mid-30s – to listen either to a guided LKM meditation or a guided imagery mediation for fifteen minutes. The results?  

As predicted, the participants who listened to the KLM mediation were more likely to show self-compassion but not necessarily compassion towards others. These parents were also calmer and less frustrated or angry at their children.

3. Think of an important person in your life when you need help with your kids

Is there anything worse than your kids’ wanting your full attention at the same time while you feel drained after a full day at work?

Try this: visualize a close friend, your partner, grandmother, or one of your parents by your side, giving you help with the kids. What would this person say to you? Call to mind the warmth of their voice. Even if they are not physically beside you, the thought of them can fill you with the power to handle the situation.

Even if you didn’t grow up with good models of compassion, self-compassion is a skill you can learn. When you feel negative self-talk buzzing in your head, say what you would say to a close friend who is suffering.

As a highly sensitive parent, you most likely have high levels of empathy. Why not redirect that empathy toward you? You deserve it as much as others do because you are as good as any other parent on this planet.

• There’s nothing to be afraid of, honey!”
• “Don’t worry, everything’s fine.”
• “I’m sure you’ll like the new kids at your school.”

…while secretly wondering why your child gets so fearful instead of rising boldly to the challenge:

• “My kid is always on edge.”
• “He’s a mamma’s boy.”

However, fear is a useful emotion because it triggers our fight or flight reaction in the face of danger.

For five million years since men first appeared on earth, our instant reactions to fear have allowed us to survive the dangers of daily life, as life was much more dangerous in the beginning.

What is your child overly cautious?

#1. Negative associations

Sometimes, the underlying cause is a negative association. Thus, children want to avoid certain situations because something terrible happened in the past in a similar setting.

#2. A sensitive amygdala

Some of us are born with a highly reactive amygdala which makes us cautious in new situations (1). A sensitive amygdala can also help us see details that others miss. But sometimes it’s too much – the amygdala can show us there’s a danger when there is none.

#3. Sensory sensitivity

Other times, the underlying reason is sensory sensitivity. For example, maybe your child is susceptible to noise, so they want to avoid crowds. Or perhaps they have poor balance (related to our vestibular sense), so they avoid swinging and jumping the trampoline.

Related: How To Calm an Overstimulated HSC Who Has Trouble Sitting Still

#4. Childhood fears

Lastly, kids can be very cautious because of childhood fears, which usually disappear with age. Typical childhood fears include fear of being alone, fear of the dark, fear of dogs and big animals, imaginary monsters, unexpected noises, and bugs.

Related: How to Help Your HSC Surrender to Sleep

When should you get worried about your overly cautious child?

It’s time to get worried when you suspect that your kid has lagging skills because they avoid too many certain things.

An overly cautious child might miss opportunities to learn or improve their skills because of their avoidant behavior. But, then, feeling they have lagging skills compared to peers can make them avoid even more what they felt afraid of in the first place.

Fortunately, you can avoid this by following this easy four-step action plan which will help you prevent and manage your child’s triggers.

Four-step action plan to support your overly cautious child

1. Make a list of triggers

As it’s easier to prevent than manage a tantrum, the first step towards addressing your HSC’s fear is identifying what activities and things cause excessive cautiousness.

Here are a few ideas to start the conversation:

• Going to school
• Playground
• Playdates
• Family gatherings
• Joining clubs (fear of being left alone)
• Sleeping in a different bed or house
• Fear of heights
• Swimming
• Going on a plane
• Jumping the trampoline
• Merry-go-rounds
• Going down the stairs (it has to do with poor balance).

Related: How to Help Your Highly Sensitive Kid Manage Criticism

2. Draw and discuss feelings with your overly cautious child

Art is known to relieve stress. By drawing what makes them uncomfortable, your HSC makes small steps toward acknowledging their fears and thinking if there is a reason for them.

You might encourage your child to open up by asking open-ended questions.

Let’s look at an example.

Consider 3-year-old Caden, who is afraid of swimming. His mother asks him to draw a picture of him swimming in the pool. To encourage him to talk about his fear, she can ask him questions like:

• “How does this picture of you in the water makes you feel?”
• “How do your eyes feel when you get wet?”
• “Picture yourself floating on the water. How does it feel? Do you feel the sun on your face? Are your fingers going above and below water? How does it make you feel?”

3. Expose your overly cautious child gradually

Gradual exposure helps your HSC see that what they avoided was not as bad. On the contrary, your kid might enjoy themselves once they get used to it.

In Caden’s example, he could practice with inflatable arm floaties in the bathtub, apply water to his face, practice holding his breath, walk in the pool, or play with the waves breaking on the beach. Also, he could watch videos by swimming instructors to know what to expect during a swimming lesson.

If your HSC gets overwhelmed by too many stimuli, try to combine what makes them wary with relaxation techniques. That way, they might associate what bothers them with something positive (relaxation).

In Caden’s case, his mom can suggest breathing exercises while in water.

4. Make a list of calm-down activities

Making a list of calm-down activities together can be effective. However, it’s best to do it when your HSC is relaxed. They will likely get defensive when asked to try a new activity if they are overwhelmed.

Here are some ideas:

• Give Mommy a hug
• Make water balloons
• Water the plants
• Bite/Chew something
• Hit something
• Breathe quietly
• Think of a nice place
• Play with a pet
• Drink water or a smoothie with a straw
• Walk barefoot on grass/sand
• Touch something cold and then something hot.

Related: Go to the Base of the Emotions Iceberg: Poor Interoception

Final thought: each child is unique

Should you be concerned that your HSC doesn’t like to take risks? Maybe you are not even on the same page with your partner about how to parent your overly cautious HSC. Your partner wants to force your HSC to confront their fears while you want to let them develop at their own pace.

HSCs are wired to be more cautious. Some would say they are more mature and prudent and that excessive cautiousness is not a sign of cowardice.

Moreover, consider your kid’s level of development. A preschooler’s brain is still maturing, and they haven’t yet mastered impulse control. What’s more, the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of their brain that connects thoughts and actions with goals, won’t yet fully mature until their twenties.

Also, bear in mind that God has made each of us unique. It means that our children might have different opinions from us and a different temperament than we expected. They have a different childhood than we imagined for them.

Just be accepting of your HSC’s take on the world!

Do not always be thinking of attack! Moves that safeguard your position are often far more prudent.

Aron Nimzowitsch, Chess player

References

Schwartz, C., Kunwar, P., Greve, D. et al. A phenotype of early infancy predicts reactivity of the amygdala in male adults. Mol Psychiatry 17, 1042–1050 (2012). https://doi.org/10.1038/mp.2011.96

https://www.thescienceofpsychotherapy.com/

It’s no wonder. Experts say that heavy work calms our nervous system and increases our focus.

That is why it is crucial to help your rowdy HSC self-regulate better. Plus, it’s also easy to use anytime.

In this article:

• How does “heavy work” work?
• When proprioception doesn’t work right
• Get your HSC to do heavy work when they’re hyperactive
• 22 Heavy Work Activities for your HSC
• Apply the heavy work technique before challenging daily activities
• Are heavy work activities suitable for HSCs that like to sit still?

How does “heavy work” work?

Heavy work involves a lot of repetitive actions like lifting, pushing, and pulling. These activities require strong effort from our muscles and joints.

The nerve endings in our muscles and joints (called proprioceptive receptors) send messages to the brain.

The brain then decides how much force we need to use for the task and how to position our body and limbs to perform that task.

Preparing our body for the task and then executing it has a calming effect on our nervous system.

How does our brain know how to estimate the force and speed needed? It can do that with the help of our 6^th sense: proprioception.

Proprio…what?

You’re not the only one who learned about only five senses in school

Let’s see what it’s about.

The word “proprioception” comes from Latin, meaning “one’s own.”

Some people say it is the sixth sense.

It has to do with self-movement, spatial awareness, and coordination.

For instance, it allows us to estimate how much muscle strength we need to rebalance based on our speed and limb position.

Let’s look at some examples:

• Proprioception allows a motorist to use the pedals while looking at the road.
• It helps people walk in the dark without losing balance.
• It helps you push the stroller with just the proper force and speed or lift your toddler.

When proprioception doesn’t work right

But sometimes, the brain doesn’t transmit just the right message. Instead, it sends a too weak or a too strong signal.

For example, a kid can play too rough with their baby brother without knowing, or they may not apply the proper pencil pressure when writing.

HSCs are prone to sensory challenges by nature. So, they might be either too sensitive to proprioceptive input (and try to avoid it) or under-responsive (and seek more information).

Get your child to do heavy work when they’re hyperactive

A kid who seeks input is called a sensory seeker. For instance, kids who have lots of energy and need heavy work to regulate are sensory seekers.

Quite possibly, a proprioceptive sensory seeker also likes bear hugs, crashing or bumping into things, stomping feet, pushing, kicking, and hitting.

A sensory seeker is likely to engage his siblings in rough play, start pillow fights, and stomp their feet when upset.

It’s best to redirect to safe activities involving proprioceptive input to prevent your HSC from doing something unsafe.

That’s where heavy work becomes handy. The intense physical effort will make your kid use their muscles and joints, where our proprioceptive nerve endings are.

Heavy work doesn’t have to work per se. It can be fun, too. Just remember it needs to involve pushing, pulling, or lifting.

22 Heavy Work Activities for Kids

Here are 22 hand-picked heavy work activities:

1. Do wall push-ups.
2. Do 15 squats.
3. Push the laundry basket around the house
4. Carry a stack of books
5. Rearranging books on a shelf
6. Carry vegetable bags
7. Push the shopping trolley or a wheelbarrow
8. Push boxes across the room
9. Army crawl
10. Playing Twister
11. Building a fort
12. Animal walks
13. Boxing
14. Yoga poses
15. Pulling resistance bands
16. Play tug of war
17. Taking out the trash
18. Pushing the vacuum cleaner
19. Shoveling snow
20. Playing catch with a large or weighted ball
21. Wrestling
22. Swimming

Heavy work before tricky tasks

Heavy work activities also work like a charm in getting your HSC’s cooperation.

For example, if dressing up in the morning is an issue because of touch sensitivity, then have your kid do some fun heavy work activities like army crawls and animal walks (crab walk and bear walk).

If you have a picky eater, have them clean up their room before dinner or play catch with a large ball. The physical effort will calm their nervous system, make them more cooperative, and increase their appetite.

Is bedtime a struggle? Then, try to do piggyback rides, roughhousing, and “Simon Says” motor activities games (for example, Simon Says, “Stomp your feet ten times”).

In conclusion, if you are unsure how to prevent your HSC from becoming overwhelmed, try heavy work first.

Are heavy work activities suitable for kids that like to sit still?

Some kiddos like to sit still and may even appear lazy. For example, they may enjoy reading and video games. Or they may be clumsy or quickly get dizzy from too much movement.

Are heavy work sensory activities right for them?

Answer:

Heavy work helps our HSCs regulate, but sometimes we might overdo it.

Just remember to keep it simple and not overwhelm your HSC. Some kids are very sensitive and don’t need as many stimuli as others.

For example, ask your kid to help you put their illustrated books back on the shelf.

Do they enjoy themselves? Then, ask them to put an encyclopedia back in its place.

Expose them subtly and gradually so that they enjoy it.

In this article:

• Why does a highly sensitive child display challenging behavior?
• When does challenging behavior become a cause for concern?
• 8 Effective Strategies to Manage Your Highly Sensitive Child’s Challenging Behavior
• Draw a 5-minute action plan to manage your highly sensitive child’s behavior

When my highly sensitive child started school, he suddenly became whiney. He had meltdowns when we wouldn’t buy him what he wanted: “You never buy me Spiderman T-shirts” or “You never take me to see a movie all the other kids have seen.” What he said wasn’t true most of the time. Instead, it indicated his efforts of fitting in with his new colleagues.

The transition to school made his high sensitivity more visible. For instance, he would often have meltdowns in the evening. He would also play aggressively with his younger brother. What’s more, he’d have an utter disregard for house rules sometimes.

I thought his attitude would never improve if I didn’t hold my ground. So, I constantly went back and forth, sometimes feeling like I rewarded bratty behavior and other times thinking gentle parenting was the answer.

What was the problem? What was I doing wrong? Was it normal behavior for a five-year-old? How do we know the fine line between understanding our highly sensitive child and encouraging unwanted behavior?

Why does a highly sensitive child display challenging behavior?

1. Sometimes, it’s developmentally appropriate.

When a five-year-old envisions something, they become set on it, and it’s hard to see another outcome. “All or none” thinking is common at this age, regardless of whether we’re talking about a highly sensitive child or not. Moreover, it’s often difficult for children at this age to see a situation from somebody else’s point of view. 

Researchers say it is developmentally appropriate. According to Piaget’s theory of cognitive development, between two and seven years of age, children can focus only on one aspect of a problem at a time, and they assume that everybody thinks, feels, and hears as they do. Moreover, they do not fully understand why they should use polite language and follow social rules.

2. Chronic overstimulation

Sensitive children are quickly overwhelmed by environmental stimuli, hence they may suffer from chronic overstimulation. Sudden noises, a colorful room, a long day of socialization may lead to problematic behaviors. As Dr. Elaine Aron pointed out, you naturally become overstimulated by intense, chaotic, or new things when you notice everything.

3. Big life changes

A recent study published at the beginning of 2022 showed that highly sensitive preschoolers are more likely to become “hard to deal with” in an unpredictable family environment. They are more likely to hit, fight and become resentful.

In this study, unpredictability referred to significant changes like moving, sickness, separation, divorce, or changing the primary caregiver.

Another interesting finding was that parenting styles (authoritarian or permissive) did not affect HSP children more than others. This discovery was a relief for me, as I find it hard to strike the right balance between understanding and encouraging challenging behavior.

4. Lagging skills

Last but not least, lagging skills may be the cause behind unreasonable outbursts.

• Emotional regulation: A highly sensitive child may have difficulty managing frustration and disappointment.
• Social skills. An HSC may seek attention in inappropriate ways or don’t know to read social cues.
• Cognitive flexibility. This skill enables us to adapt our behavior to new circumstances and switch between concepts.
• Attention & memory skills. An HSC can find it hard to maintain attention and could seem to lack motivation. This behavior may be due to overstimulation or a lagging skill.
• Language processing. Expressing needs and following conversations may be hard for some HSCs.

When does challenging behavior become a cause for concern?

We all have times when we can’t control our reactions. However, when I observed my child’s challenging behavior daily, I became concerned.

Problematic behaviors may be a bigger problem if we see that:

• they continue for more extended periods
• are accompanied by poor sleep, tummy aches, and other body reactions
• impact daily life, school, and relationships.

It’s best not to ignore challenging behaviors that hold these features. If left unaddressed, they can be damaging to a child’s development, leading to:

• Lack of self-esteem. Children want to please. But when a child feels that they are in the wrong all the time, their confidence drops significantly.
• Loneliness. A kid labeled as “difficult” or “too emotional” may begin to feel misunderstood and push people away.
• Anxiety. A highly sensitive child may become anxious when they feel like they can’t live up to the expectations. Moreover, they are often susceptible to rejection, leading to anxiety.

Sounds a bit alarming, right? The good news is that I found these simple strategies that stop my son’s problematic behaviors.

8 Effective Strategies to Deal With Your Highly Sensitive Child’s Challenging Behavior

1. Show curiosity and compassion to your highly sensitive child

Being patient and approaching the situation with compassionate curiosity significantly improved my connection with my highly sensitive child. When you’re close to losing patience, you may ask yourself questions about the source of the behavior.

Here are some examples:

• “Why did my child want to do that?”
• “What is so upsetting that makes him react this strongly?”
• “What’s the pattern? Do his meltdowns happen in the evening or the morning?” What was he doing before it started? What or who was around?”

What is your highly sensitive child trying to communicate?

When identifying the underlying causes, it’s best to think about the message that the child is trying to convey:

• I’m hungry.
• I didn’t have enough sleep.
• I’m tired.
• I worry about something.
• I had a bad day at school.
• I want to feel more in control.
• I need more mommy time.
• I need more “me” time.
• I had too much screen time.
• I ate too many sweets.
• The constant noise overstimulates me.
• I’m having trouble with starting school.
• I’m having trouble with Grandma moving to another state.
• I need fresh air.
• Nobody wants to play with me.
• My tummy hurts, and my brother won’t leave me alone.
• I am testing a limit.

Ask open-ended questions

Additionally, we want to ask open-ended questions about what happened, starting with “Who,” “What,” “When,” “Where,” and “How.” For instance, we can ask, “When did that happen?” “Can you tell me more?” “How so?“.

After talking with my son, I found out that, sometimes, my expectations were too high. For example, not jumping on the couch may seem normal to me because it’s expensive, but my son does not yet grasp the value of money. Therefore, I needed to set a firm limit using empathy (“Wow, it’s so much fun jumping on the couch. But you know that couch is not for jumping. Come off now, let’s find an old mattress instead“.)

2. Identify the lagging skills holding your highly sensitive child back

My son may not always pinpoint the source of his behavior, but the way he acts often gives me clues about what’s happening. In observing his behaviors, I slowly began to notice some lagging skills.

He had difficulty transitioning (which has to do with cognitive flexibility) and underlying anxiety that prevented him from problem-solving (related to his emotional regulation skills). Moreover, as a highly sensitive person, sudden or constant noise overstimulates him.

Consequently, seeing things from someone else’s perspective was challenging when he felt overwhelmed. From the outside, he looked like a brat. However, his behavior was not intentional.

3. Analyzing your own behavior

Analyzing our behavior is critical. It helps identify our triggers. It’s a crucial step in managing our HSC’s challenging behavior because our anxieties play a massive role in our children’s behavior, according to research.

So, I asked myself questions like:

• “Why am I such an angry mom? I never expected I would turn out to be like that.”
• “What is it so important that my son complies in a specific situation?”
• “Why do I believe that my way is the only way?”
• “What did I want so hard to instill in my son the importance of following rules?”.

I soon realized that I wanted my son to be compliant because my parents brought me up in an authoritarian way. So, unfortunately, I often did not have a valid reason for imposing my will. Moreover, I used to believe that it was wrong to question rules because, as a child, I received lots of praise for being good.

Now, I usually discuss my reactions with my empathetic child and apologize when I overreact. I found it is an excellent way to model self-reflection and willingness to change.

4. Offer choices to your highly sensitive child

When we had online school, Lucas asked to write letters on colored paper a while ago. I thought he should use white paper, although the teacher hadn’t given specific instructions. Then, of course, Lucas had a meltdown because I failed to provide him with a good reason why he shouldn’t use colored paper.

I now believe that he got upset because he felt that he didn’t have a choice in the matter. So, therefore, now we have all the school materials in a basket by the computer. This way, he gets to choose what he needs from the basket, and we limit interaction with each other, which can stimulate him.

5. Teach your highly sensitive child to use a special phrase to express big emotions

Teaching HSP children key phrases, or simply words, to use when feeling close to losing control is a great strategy to avoid challenging behaviors. Here are some examples that made our life easier:

• “Mom, this is super important to me.”
• “Mom, I don’t feel like myself.”
• “Mom, I need to be alone for a while.”

6. Have a house rule about speaking respectfully

When kids know a rule but don’t follow it, something prevents them from cooperating, like a strong emotion that they cannot name. So forcing a child into compliance will only make them stuff big feelings and rebel sooner or later. That Is why natural consequences are better than taking away privileges.

A natural consequence for not respectfully speaking can be holding space and not deciding anything until everyone can talk calmly. Unfortunately, that now and then implies delaying an action that we were looking forward to.

7. Ignore the behavior of your highly sensitive child

At times, ignoring bad behavior is practical, like when a kid is hungry. When that happens, I usually acknowledge non-judgmentally that my HSP son needs to eat and let him whine if he feels like it. Once he understands what triggers him, he usually finds a calm-down activity until dinner is ready.

For this strategy to be effective, the secret is also to praise desirable behavior. For instance, be sure to compliment your HSP child for choosing to play quietly, even if they can’t wait to eat dinner.

8. Make it a game, if you can

When the situation allows us, it’s better to transform a potential conflict into an opportunity to connect.

For example, if your highly sensitive child starts whining at the mall about not buying them enough ponies, you might playfully invite them to use their regular voice: “I wonder where your regular voice went. Did the fairy steal it?” Here’s another example: “Where did your normal voice go? It was here five minutes ago. Did that doll which you just touched steal it?… You found it” Yeey, I love your normal voice.“

5-minute action plan to manage your highly sensitive child’s behavior

If you haven’t already thought about it, take five minutes to think of the most problematic behavior your HSP child has, what causes it and how you can address it.

For example, here is our plan to address my HSP child’s meltdowns every evening after school:

# 1: Track behavior. My son has meltdowns in the evening, at home, after he comes from school and before dinner is ready.

# 2: Identify the reason. He is probably overwhelmed by having to keep emotions under control all day at school.

# 3: Get his emotions out in a non-destructive way. Acknowledge non-judgmentally that he is struggling and ask open-end questions (“You don’t seem like yourself right now. How was your day? Did something happen?”)

# 4: Offer emotional support. “Do you want me to give you a hug? No? Okay, then come to me when you feel ready if you like”.

# 5: Gentle reminder of house rules. “I know you had a hard day, but please be gentle with your brother. He missed you and just wants you to play together“.

# 6: Make adjustments if necessary. I sometimes separate my HSC from his brother if things become rough. I ask my HSC to stay with me while preparing dinner and tell me more about his day. Moreover, I praise him every time he exhibits self-control in triggering situations.

References

McLeod, S. A. (2018). Preoperational stage. Simply Psychology. www.simplypsychology.org/preoperational.html

Li Z, Sturge-Apple ML, Jones-Gordils HR, Davies PT. Sensory processing sensitivity behavior moderates the association between environmental harshness, unpredictability, and child socioemotional functioning. Dev Psychopathol. 2022 Jan 18:1-14. DOI: 10.1017/S0954579421001188. Epub ahead of print. PMID: 35039104

Elaine Aron (2022). The Highly Sensitive Person, www.hsperson.com

First, it’s best to start by showing understanding and acceptance. Validation is the most significant gift you can give to a highly sensitive child since their biggest struggle is feeling accepted for who they are. Then, tailor your parenting tactics in order to create a happy home and raise a sensitive but resilient child.

In this article:

Six common traits of highly sensitive children:

Eleven effective parenting tactics for raising a resilient highly sensitive child:

Let’s start with the beginning.

Six tell-tale signs that your child is an HSC

1. A highly sensitive child is an overthinker.

Many parents complain that their children act before they think. Sensitive children are the opposite – they overanalyze. Making decisions takes a long time since there are so many possibilities. 

A child who processes things excessively also asks thoughtful questions, often using big words, says dr. Elaine Aron, Ph.D. who first studied high sensitivity. 

Overthinking, however, can cause excessive worry, fear of being judged, and self-esteem issues. That’s why sensitive children have a hard time standing up for themselves in front of strangers. On the contrary, they let go of inhibition at home, which is their safe space.

Frequently, children who are overthinkers have a rich inner life. As adults, they will likely be wise, intuitive, and conscientious. In addition, their bright imagination and attention to detail can help them become artists, inventors, and writers.

2. A highly sensitive child will be kind and eager to please.

Sensing other people’s emotions poses no problems to sensitive kids. For example, they often cry when loved ones fight in front of them. What’s more, aggressive games are by no means their favorite pastime. Instead, you’ll likely find them hidden under their favorite blanket during a scary movie scene. 

Sensitive children are highly attached to their parents. They are eager to please and concerned about doing things right. Without knowing, you may neglect them if you especially have younger kids. But sooner or later, a sensitive child’s self-control weakens if parents repeatedly ignore reconnecting attempts. They will become impulsive and have intense tantrums as their limbic brain takes the lead.

3. Sensitive children are slow-to-warm-up.

How many times did you sit at the edge of the playground waiting for your kid to warm up?

Highly sensitive children are hesitant in new situations but thrive with structure and routine. While shy with strangers, they are friendly and sweet around close family. A slow-to-warm-up kid also definitely prefers a heads-up to a surprise and a small playdate to a rainbow birthday party. Let them take the lead, and you’ll be surprised at how much they can do when they come out of their shell.

4. A stimulating environment quickly overwhelms them.

Does your kid cover their ears at the sound of tires squeaking? Do they make a face when they smell overripe bananas? Does sand between their toes make them stop on the sidewalk to take their shoes off and clean up the dirt? 

Loud or sudden noises, crowds, strong odors, bright lights, sandy clothes overwhelm some kids. Though their coping methods may look like quirks on the outside, they are ways of adapting to the environment. 

Here are some examples:

5. A highly sensitive child needs extra downtime.

Lots of parents complain that their kid doesn’t get enough sleep. Thankfully, you are not probably one of them. Extra sensitive kids need plenty of downtime at the end of an overwhelming day. They enjoy playing alone, doing puzzles, painting, building blocks, listening to relaxing music, and going into nature.

Watching a movie doesn’t count as downtime because films contain many triggers: disturbing scenes, sudden noises, and bright lights. 

6. Traditional discipline doesn’t work on a highly sensitive child. 

Kids follow you when they feel connected. It’s even more true for sensitive kids who often feel rejected when they feel you don’t spend enough time together or when you disapprove of something they did. Their brain seeks meaningful relationships more than external rewards, so gentle guidance works best.

If you believe that your child is an HSC, read on to learn more about the ten most effective parenting tactics for raising emotionally healthy HSCs.

11 effective parenting tactics for raising a resilient HSC

1. Focus on raising the child you have.

The power of acceptance is a vital tool for raising kids that are happy with being themselves. We need to know our children and validate their emotions and struggles with compassionate curiosity.

Frequently, we struggle as parents because our expectations are not in line with our children’s behavior. A highly sensitive child’s strong reactions come with even more challenges for us. Therefore, accepting high sensitivity is an inborn trait our children will have all their lives is crucial for building a healthy connection.

2. Establish clear and consistent family rules.

When establishing family rules, you need to consider your child’s high sensitivity and triggers. Also, it would be best if you made sure that family rules are reasonable for everybody. Finally, as you are still the parent, guide the discussion while ensuring that everyone expresses their opinion.

For example, if noise frequently overwhelms your sensitive kid, have a rule that states that there should be no screen time in the morning before school.

3. Ensure smooth transitions for your highly sensitive child.

Overemotional children have issues with transitions because they can be unpredictable. They have a low tolerance threshold for uncertainty.

That is why you need to inform your kid what will happen and why in advance. Then, make sure they understand what comes next. For instance, if crowds trigger their anxiety, give a heads-up that there might be a lot of kids in the playground. 

Also, explain how long the activity will last. You may also use visual times and give warnings ahead of time.

Here is an example:

“We agreed you’d play five minutes with that Lego and then give it to your sister. You have two minutes left, Buddy”.

As for younger children, a transition object like a favorite toy is usually enough to do the trick.

4. Reduce sensory overload.

If your kid frequently complains that their clothes are tickly, the air is hot, and the restaurant is overcrowded, establish strategies to help cope with the stimuli.

For instance, when going to a birthday party, bring earplugs if the music is too loud. Experience aromatherapy at home to make them familiar with more pungent smells. There is nothing more relaxing for some people than inhaling their favorite essential oil after a long day. If tags and seams are an issue, be sure to buy clothes that they find comfortable. 

Eliminate or reduce stimuli that distract them from daily tasks at home. For example, if noise triggers them, avoid upbeat background music in the morning when they prepare for school, but put relaxing music on before bedtime.

What’s more, learn to stay calm and collected and keep a sense of humor. Your parenting attitude matters more than parenting tactics.

5. Create a worry monster.

A worry monster separates negative feelings from the child’s identity. Explain to your child that the monster is here to bully them, but they don’t have to listen to it.

Encourage your kid to pick a name and draw the monster. Then, hang it in a visible place in your house so that everyone sees that the beast is different from your child. Then, when anxiety, anger, or sadness set in, teach them to talk to the monster.

• “Hey, Mr. Perfect Sam, you are telling me that dropping the cake was bad. But everyone makes mistakes. I will not listen to you.”
• “Mr. Meanie, you are telling me that going to school without mom is bad, but I know she’s coming back. So I am not going to listen to you.”

6. Help your highly sensitive child identify their superpowers.

Quiet, sensitive kids have lots of gifts, so consider making a list of strengths and read it together when self-esteem is running low.

Here are a few examples:

• Trustworthy. Peers feel at ease around sensitive kids because they appear approachable and reliable. 
• Active listeners. Others open up to them because they are good listeners and ask thoughtful questions. 
• Calm. They usually remain composed in front of strangers, despite their inner turmoil, which has a calming effect on others.
• Cautious. A sensitive child will ponder a lot before acting, avoiding making rash decisions that they might later regret. 
• Creative. They have a rich imagination and find out-of-the-box solutions.

7. Let your highly sensitive child join in when they are ready.

Support your slow-to-warm-up child as they take their time to join in at parties. Make a plan at home and discuss deal breakers for each of you. For instance, you want to greet people when you arrive, but you know your child doesn’t. So, one option would be to greet their best friends. Afterward, you can go and sit on a chair and talk about what you see around you (food, decorations, games the others play) until your child is ready to join their friends.

8. Avoid labeling your child.

Extra-judgment from more extroverted people is inevitable. Avoid, however, explaining your kid’s behavior and labeling them as shy, reserved, or quiet. They might overhear and feel embarrassed. Our goal should always be to make your child comfortable. 

Here are a few phrases you could use when people become judgemental:

• No, Mikey is fine.
• No, Deb likes her quiet time.
• We’ll join you in a couple of minutes.
• She’s just thoughtful right now.

9. Use words of affirmation.

Create catchphrases with your kid to repeat when social situations become overwhelming. The most impactful phrases are short and easy to remember:

10. Don’t become overprotective.

Overprotective parents can distort a child’s perception of the world. Thus, micromanagement, sheltering, and taking on responsibilities on behalf of the child generally lead to overly dependent children.

You might argue that this is not overprotectiveness but a closer parent-child relationship. But despite our best intentions, this parenting approach makes it harder for kids to develop robust coping mechanisms. 

A child, especially a highly sensitive one, who is not allowed to take risks, becomes overwhelmed when facing uncertainty. We need to have faith in their ability to overcome troubles and develop solutions.

11. Model calm and confident behavior.  

Kids develop emotional resilience when they see us control our emotions in challenging situations. Act with deliberate calm and optimism when you or your kid feel overwhelmed so that they gain trust to face challenges. Remaining unruffled is hard because our brain circuits tell us to react with a fight, flight, or freeze response during stress.

How can you remain the calm leader your child needs? The key is connecting situational awareness (what is happening around you when your kid is having a crisis) to self-awareness (your thoughts and emotions). Make a bridge between your outer and your inner world. In this way, you will choose how to respond.

When we can’t control our reactions, kids don’t feel safe anymore. But if we remain hopeful and calm, they become resilient and face challenges more creatively.

Final thoughts

Parenting is the most demanding job most of us will have, and a highly sensitive child makes it even more difficult. However, with the right tools and attitude, all parents can learn to offer HSCs what they need to thrive.

References

Lionetti, F., Aron, A., Aron, E.N. et al. Dandelions, tulips and orchids: evidence for the existence of low-sensitive, medium-sensitive and high-sensitive individuals. Transl Psychiatry 8, 24 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41398-017-0090-6

Kaitlyn Bakker, Richard Moulding, Sensory-Processing Sensitivity, dispositional mindfulness and negative psychological symptoms, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 53, Issue 3, 2012, Pages 341-346, ISSN 0191-8869, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2012.04.006. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886912001717)