And what about dealing with tricky family stuff? Like when Aunt Edna tells you to stop your kids’ “bad” behavior immediately, or Grandma keeps nagging you to get your kids to “behave.”

You know that your highly sensitive child needs support, but what do you do at the moment?

In this post, we’ll share nine effective strategies to help you and your deeply feeling kid thrive during the holiday season.

Before you continue, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.

Why Holidays Can Be Tough For A Highly Sensitive Child

Most parents of sensitive children worry that their kids will either act out at family gatherings or be so slow to warm up that they’ll attract negative comments from extended family.

Why do children with a more sensitive nervous system have tricky behaviors around the holidays? Here are the leading causes:

1. Routine changes

Highly sensitive children often have trouble with transitions.

Changes to the routine can be challenging even for parents in charge of the holiday schedule. But they’re even harder on kids who take time to get used to new things or who get anxious easily. Sensitive kids will want to stay in their comfort zone because they struggle to adjust to new situations. Big gatherings can be particularly overwhelming for them.

2. Reduced Downtime

With all the holiday hustle and bustle, it’s easy to forget about downtime. But for sensitive kids, downtime isn’t just a nice thing to have – it’s a must-have for their physical and mental health. Think of it like recharging their batteries.

3. Small Talk

Your child might not be the chattiest person. When other kids or adults expect them to talk a lot, it can put extra pressure on them.

Some highly sensitive kids, whether neurodivergent or not, might not be able to talk when they’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed. They might just stop talking altogether (a condition known as “selective mutism’) or only speak to certain people. This is a natural way for them to cope, so it’s essential to remember this during the holidays.

These three factors – change in routine, reduced downtime, and pressure to make conversation with unfamiliar people – can result in a range of behaviors: your child might become quiet and not want to do anything or get bossy as a way to control their environment.

These scenarios are very stressful for parents, who may feel embarrassed by their children’s behavior, especially when there are nieces and nephews around who are all outgoing, charming, and compliant.

Even if not said out loud, it’s clear that some family members won’t understand why your child is behaving like that. For instance, when your niece excitedly tells their grandparents about all the cool things they’re doing at their taekwondo class while your kid is hiding under the table.

You may feel like you’re being judged. You may feel like you have a bad kid and are a terrible parent who can’t control their children.

Understandably, parents often feel stressed out before these get-togethers. Unfortunately, a sensitive child can sense your anxiety, which makes them act out even more. And on top of that, these children can tell when other family members are judging them, making things even more chaotic.

Here are some tips for reducing the stress during the holidays:

9 Strategies To Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Overcome Holiday Stress

1. Let Your Highly Sensitive Child Know What To Expect

Give your kid a heads-up about the gathering – where you’ll be going, who’ll be there, and what to expect. Show them photos of family members they haven’t seen in a while, and share some happy memories of past family gatherings. Knowing what to expect can significantly ease your highly sensitive child’s anxiety.

Try a more positive approach instead of lecturing them about how they should behave at family gatherings. Warnings like “If you act out, I’m going to …” would only make your child anxious. They’ll sense your worries, increasing their chances of having difficulty at the family gathering.

You can also explain that Grandpa is excited to see them and would love to hear about their day. Suggest that they greet the family with a high five or smile instead of a hug. Encourage them to play with their cousins, but also let them know that taking breaks is okay if they need quiet time.

If you have a highly sensitive child, acknowledge that family gatherings can be overwhelming for them, making it challenging to express themselves calmly and appropriately. (“Family gatherings can be loud. If you ever feel overwhelmed, just let me know. We can take a break together” or “If at any point you feel uncomfortable, just let me know. I’m here to make sure you’re okay.”)

That’s why it helps to brainstorm coping strategies together:

• Discuss options for greeting: Talk about options for greeting, like waving, blowing a kiss, or making a drawing to give to them upon arrival (that you may have to hand over if your child is hesitant) or bring a toy to share with them. It may also help to hand one of your child’s favorite books to an adult the child knows well (like Grandma) and suggest they start reading. That can be a “soft opening” that draws your child to them.
• Find a cue word to signal that your child is making unsafe choices. For instance, saying “banana bread” means it’s time to pause and problem-solve. This is an excellent way to show your child you are on their team.
• Decide on quiet time activities: When it’s time for a break, you can set your child up in a calm space with books or toys you’ve brought from home.

2. Avoid Shaming Your Highly Sensitive Child

“Why can’t you share nicely with your cousins?”

“Stop bossing everyone around. Nobody is going to want to play with you.”

“Why won’t you just go play with the other kids?”

These reactions can make children feel bad about themselves, leading to more acting out or withdrawal if they’re slow to warm up. It also sends the message to your child that you may be disappointed in them, which fuels distress. When kids feel bad inside, they act “bad.”

• Instead of “Why can’t you share nicely with your cousins?” try, “Let’s take turns using the toys so everyone can have a chance to play.”
• Instead of “Stop bossing everyone around. Nobody is going to want to play with you”, you may want to try “Let’s give everyone a chance to share their ideas. How about we take turns deciding what to play next?”
• Instead of  “Why won’t you just go play with the other kids?” say, “It’s great to see you taking your time getting to know everyone. Would you like me to introduce you to some of the other kids?”

3. Talk To Family In Advance

Start by acknowledging your family’s experience. This will make it more likely they will listen and be open to the perspective you share and want them to respect:

• “I know Mia can be hard to handle during family gatherings. She has a hard time being flexible, and we’re working on that. I know that can make it stressful for everyone.”
• “I know you feel hurt when Timmy won’t hug you. It’s uncomfortable for me, too.”

Then, share your perspective along the lines of:

• “Mia is a spirited girl who sometimes gets overwhelmed and has her way of bringing order to her world when she feels out of control. We’re working on helping her manage these moments, and we’d appreciate your support. I know you want to help, and the best way to help us is just to let us handle things with Mia.”
• “Timmy takes his time getting to know people. He likes to watch and observe before he feels comfortable jumping in. It’s not about you; it’s just his way. We’ve found that giving him space and letting him know we’re happy to see him works best. He’ll come around when he’s ready.”

4. Allow Your Highly Sensitive Child To Socialize When They Feel Comfortable

You might think it’s important for your child to chat with your aunt visiting from far away or sit on Uncle Joe’s lap, but it can be a bit overwhelming for them if they don’t see these people often.

You may want to help your child when they feel shy or overwhelmed. For example, “Timmy, this is your Aunt Jean; Aunt Jean, Timmy doesn’t feel ready to say “Hi” yet.”

Don’t make your child hug or kiss anyone at the family gathering. If they’re uncomfortable giving hugs or kisses to relatives they barely know, that’s okay. It’s their body, and they have the right to decide who they want to hug or kiss.

5. Let Your Child Choose How They Want To Open Their Gifts

People have different preferences regarding giving and receiving gifts, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Some folks love the excitement of unwrapping presents in front of a crowd, while others feel awkward being the center of attention and worry about finding the ‘right’ reaction.

It’s common for kids who are more sensitive to feel uncomfortable being watched while doing something, like opening presents. They might feel like they’re being judged or that they need to perform for everyone.

For many sensitively wired kids, surprises can be anxiety-provoking. Some children might feel more comfortable if they know what their gifts are ahead of time. That’s why you may want your child (if they are older) to pick out their own gifts to know exactly what they’re getting for Christmas.

6. Avoid Food Battles With Your Highly Sensitive Child

A lot of the grown-up Christmas foods don’t sound tasty to kids. Besides, children should decide for themselves whether they want to try new foods or not. That’s why it’s a good idea to make sure your child has some of their favorite foods on hand for Christmas Day, just in case they don’t like the traditional Christmas food on offer. Just as we wouldn’t want to be forced to eat foods we don’t like, children don’t react well to being made to eat certain foods, particularly if they also have sensory sensitivities.

Don’t expect your picky eater to become adventurous on Christmas Day suddenly. Save yourself and them the stress of making your highly sensitive child try out new foods in front of everyone. Pack some of their favorite snacks from home to bring along, whether you’re eating at someone else’s place or a restaurant.

And let’s be honest, expecting a young kid to sit still for an entire lunch or dinner might not be the most realistic expectation. If possible, give them the flexibility to snack throughout the day and come and go from the table as they please. You know your kid better than anyone, so try to accommodate their eating preferences as much as you can during holiday gatherings. It’s not worth fighting a food battle on Christmas Day!

7. Be Your Child’s Safe Haven

When a child feels safe, they are more likely to venture out and explore. But when they encounter something that frightens or overwhelms them, they instinctively seek reassurance from us. This act of returning to the “secure base” helps children regulate their emotions and build a sense of self-confidence.

Expect your child to be more clingy in unfamiliar or new situations and with people they don’t know well. These are stressful situations for children with more sensitive nervous systems, whose stress alarm goes off more quickly.

8. Spot The Signs That Your Child Is Tired

When kids feel tired or on edge, they often show specific signs. Be on the lookout for these clues so you can help them chill out before they melt down and manage their emotions in a healthy way.

Here are some common signs that a child is close to an emotional meltdown:

• Physical signs: Increased heart rate, sweating, flushed cheeks, clenched fists, dry mouth and tense muscles
• Emotional signs: frustration, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, worry, caution, and hesitation
• Behavioral signs: crying, yelling, hitting, throwing things, hiding, fidgeting, difficulty concentrating, arguing, asking for help, seeking reassurance, and taking lots of quiet breaks.

Let your child have things that help them feel calm, like noise-canceling headphones, fidget toys, or their special teddy bear. You can also make a plan with your kid, before the family gathering, on what calming strategies they’d like to try when they feel tired. Here are some examples:

• Deep breathing: inhaling for four counts and exhaling for four counts; belly breathing
• Quick body scan
• The 1-2-3 senses exercise (one thing you can see, two things you taste, three things that you can see).

9. Shift Your Perspective

If you often have negative thoughts running through your head about your child and your parenting style, you’re not alone:

“Why does my child make everything so challenging and embarrassing for me?”

“Why can’t she just enjoy herself like her cousins?”

“I’m so angry and resentful that she makes me feel like a terrible parent. I just want one uninterrupted hour of peace with my family.”

These are the unspoken thoughts that often linger in the minds of parents raising sensitive children. They feel ashamed and resentful both towards themselves for having such thoughts about their children and towards other parents who seem to have it all figured out.

But the reality is that every child has unique challenges, and sensitive children often require a more nuanced approach.

Please don’t judge yourself too harshly. You’re only human. Raising sensitive kids can be challenging, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes.

The important thing to remember is that your child is a good kid who struggles sometimes because they have a more sensitive nervous system. And you are not a bad parent if you have a child who struggles in social situations.

Remember, highly sensitive children are still highly sensitive on Christmas.

Growing up, I felt more sensitive than my friends, which made me highly self-aware. Like many highly sensitive children, I also excelled in school. My parents and teachers often praised my about my conscientiousness, so school results became vital to my identity. They defined my self-worth.

I spent most of my summer holidays in math and chess camps. My memories mainly consist of solving logic puzzles and studying chess openings that I had trouble remembering afterward.

In many ways, I’ve remained unchanged. For instance, memorizing chess openings is still something I need help to do. Additionally, I’ve carried into adulthood my toxic perfectionism and performance anxiety, and ability to notice details that others miss. For many years, I valued myself based on how others viewed me and on my accomplishments.

While society often praises ambition and perfectionism, they have kept me from feeling good about myself. As a result, I’ve spent years searching for meaning even though I’m an accomplished adult by society’s standards.

And now that I am a mother, I see the same traits in my child. My kid always tries to do what’s right. The teachers love them. Family and friends say that my kiddo is kind and well-behaved. Yet, we have been seeing a therapist for six months for child anxiety.

The therapist told me about the gifted kid syndrome. And then it clicked.

What do sensitivity and giftedness have in common?

“Gifted kid syndrome” refers to challenges that highly intelligent children have, and that they often carry into adulthood.

Studies also show that about eight out of 10 highly sensitive people are gifted. Here’s what sensitivity and giftedness have in common:

• Cognitive development: Gifted kids have high IQs and excellent memory, while sensitive children process information deeply. Both are curious and notice small details. They develop cognitively faster than emotionally and socially. Unfortunately, that can make them feel different.
• Difficulty making friends: Both gifted and sensitive children may feel like outsiders because they know that they are different. They might make constant efforts to fit in, leading to stress and masking.
• Strong emotions: Both gifted and sensitive children are emotionally intense at a young age. They are susceptible to criticism, overthinking, and have a strong desire for fairness.
• Self-pressure and burnout: Gifted and sensitive children often face massive pressure from parents and school. Fear of failure rises, leading to anxiety, and self-doubt.

One difference between sensitivity and giftedness is that gifted people process new information quickly, whereas sensitive people have a pause-and-check approach. HSPs need time to warm up and process what happens around them.

A Highly Sensitive Child is More Prone to Gifted Kid Burnout

Highly sensitive children can be prone to chronic stress due to how their nervous system works. They are easily frustrated and may feel the need to control their environment.

Moreover, sensitive children don’t want to let you down. Unfortunately, they may have the courage to say what they want for fear of disappointing you.

Highly sensitive children are also quickly disappointed by setbacks and take criticism hard. They will eventually burn out if daily stressors add up and are not compensated by quiet time and positive experiences.

Warning Signs of Gifted Kid Burnout Every Parent Should Know

Here are some signs that your child has gifted kid burnout:

• Feeling overwhelmed by minor things
• Low frustration tolerance
• Lack of motivation
• Somatization (unexplained tummy aches, headaches, and other unexplained physical symptoms)
• Unable to separate self-worth from school results
• Dreading school and after-school activities
• Meltdowns or shutdowns
• Negative self-talk and pessimism
• Pressure to live up to expectations
• Toxic perfectionism.

This negative mindset can lead to mental health challenges later in life. Sensitive and gifted kids may experience more stress, anxiety, and perfectionism, which can contribute to depression, anxiety disorders, and even eating disorders.

6 Tips to Manage Gifted Kid Burnout

1. Make time for free play

Free, unstructured play can play a significant role in preventing gifted kid burnout. Sensitive and gifted children often face academic pressure and a constant need to perform. Engaging in child-directed play provides a much-needed break from these demands and allows them to recharge their energy.

2. Practice gratitude

One of the most effective ways to instill gratitude is by modeling it ourselves. When children see us being thankful for the little things, they learn to do the same. Additionally, encourage them to reflect on what they are grateful for each day by sharing their thoughts during family discussions or creating a gratitude journal together. By highlighting the positive aspects of their lives and the kindness they receive from others, we cultivate a mindset of gratitude that shapes their overall outlook. Remind them to say “thank you” genuinely, not just as a social norm, and to show gratitude through acts of kindness.

3. Identify your child’s superpowers

Help your gifted and sensitive kid recognize their unique abilities, such as kindness, creativity, empathy, love for meaningful conversations, thinking outside the box, and attention to detail. Show them how these superpowers contribute to their self-worth.

4. Practice a growth mindset

Shift the focus from academic achievements to praising effort and progress. Emphasize the importance of hard work, resilience, and personal growth rather than solely the result.

In addition, show your child that mistakes are learning opportunities (“What did you learn from this experience?”). They are a natural part of the learning process (“You can’t do it YET.”). Encourage them to view mistakes as opportunities to improve and try again (“How can you approach this differently next time?”)

5. Foster a balanced lifestyle

Grades and competitions aren’t everything. Life is about more than school, and feeling good about yourself is not only about accomplishments.

Children can be more resilient when they have hobbies outside of school. For instance, you can encourage your child to try sports (maybe not competitive sports, though), arts, and hobbies that allow them to have quiet time.

A balanced lifestyle helps gifted children develop time-management skills, prioritize self-care, and maintain a healthy perspective on success.

You’ll find in the infographic below a list of hobbies that your highly sensitive child might enjoy:

6. Teach stress management techniques

Help your child develop healthy coping mechanisms for managing stress. For instance, you can teach them to identify their emotions, do deep breathing exercises and mindfulness techniques, or encourage journaling to express their thoughts and feelings.

You can find below some fun deep breathing exercises that your kiddo may like.

We frequently make this mistake.

And it isn’t until we yell or catch ourselves worrying late at night about mental disorders and about our unresolved childhood trauma that we become aware of how stressful this behavior cycle is.

Tantrums, meltdowns, crying, hitting, whining, defiance. It’s draining.

Still, we wish it would simply disappear on its own. But it doesn’t, despite all the parenting hacks we try.

But what if we tell you that you need to follow three simple rules to break the cycle?

These are basic rules which support the connection you have with your child.

They prevent those challenging behaviors from happening.

These three simple rules are consistent routine, predictable family rules, and expressing needs.

Without knowing the basics, it will be impossible for you to determine when challenging behavior might be a source of concern.

So, let’s see how we can prevent challenging behaviors in the first place.

1. A child with big emotions needs routine.

Sensitive children are always aware of their surroundings and thrive in the right environment, like orchids. For them, supportive conditions are crucial, as research shows.

According to a study by Jerome Kagan, a key pioneer of developmental psychology, some healthy children are born highly reactive to new stimuli. As a result, these kids tend to avoid or fear new situations and persons. By adolescence, a third of them may show signs of social anxiety.

So, applying the best parenting tactics is crucial to help them thrive.

And sensitive, reactive children thrive on routine. Since they are easily overstimulated, they focus best when there isn’t much new stuff around them.

So, in a new place or situation, provide support and understanding to your child until they figure out what to do. You see, sensitive children worry because they don’t know how they are supposed to behave, what they are supposed to do, etc. So many questions are going on in their head, making them feel overwhelmed. So, it’s best to explain beforehand and guide them until they feel safe to be more independent. Once they know what other people expect, sensitive children show their full potential.

Our littles thrive in familiar environments. So, if your child shows challenging behavior, ask yourself these questions:

• Does your kid have a consistent daily routine?
• Do you provide emotional support or tell your child to do as they’re told in new situations?
• Is your child going through a period where many new things are happening in their life?

• Does your kid have a consistent daily routine?
• Do you provide emotional support or tell your child to do as they’re told in new situations?
• Is your child going through a period where many new things are happening in their life?

Related: 8 Mistakes to Avoid with Your Anxious Highly Sensitive Child

2. A child with big emotions needs predictable family rules.

Most families have rules. But sticking a list of rules on the fridge is the easy part. But, the real problem is following the rules daily, no matter our emotional state.

However, most of us react based on our emotions. It’s human nature. For instance, when we are tired after a long day, we let our children watch TV for an extra hour because quiet is nice or because taking a warm shower undisturbed is all we need.

Also, if your sensitive child misbehaves, you let them go away with it because they are tired. Or, on the contrary, you start yelling because you can’t take another meltdown. However, this is an example of unpredictable behavior on your part. Erratic behavior makes sensitive kids anxious.

Try to think from their perspective: reactive children have intense emotions and need to let them out.

One day, it’s okay for them to free emotions through a meltdown. On another day, it’s okay to calm down by watching TV. But occasionally, you decide unexpectedly that specific calming methods, like meltdowns and screens, are not allowed.

Further, the child might even get punished for not following house rules concerning behavior and screen time. Consequently, the child feels like they have no control over their environment. As a result, they will either implode (and have a big meltdown later) or explode.

To wrap up, if you have trouble with family rules, ask yourself these questions:

• Do you apply family rules predictably or based on emotions (your child’s or your own)?
• Do you react to your child’s misbehavior or choose how to act?

Related: Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child: Have You Ever Felt You’re Rewarding Bad Behavior?

3. A child with big emotions needs to learn how to express needs and set boundaries

Deeply feeling children are good at masking their emotions. But just because they behave in public doesn’t mean they feel comfortable. They swallow their feelings and do what they are told until they explode at home, where they feel safe. Or, they show their emotions through exaggerated reactions, like yelling, screaming, and crying. Or they avoid social problem solving: they avoid playing in groups, negotiating in group projects, and anything where they struggle.

So, it’s best to teach them to express their needs and boundaries in different environments, not just at home. They need to advocate for themselves in front of colleagues and strangers.

Related: How to Help Your Deeply Feeling Child Set Emotional Boundaries

If your sensitive child is clingy and often yells, they struggle with setting boundaries and advocating for their needs. In addition, their intense emotions prevent them from politely stating their opinion.

In order to prevent challenging behaviors, your child needs to learn from you how to express needs and boundaries with others. They learn this skill from seeing you do it.

Your child’s behavior can change when they learn to handle big emotions independently. You won’t be able to help co-regulate when they are in school, so you need to teach them to advocate for themselves. You must show them how to do it by being a role model.

If you act as if your child can advocate for themselves, though you know that they can’t, they will continue to burst at home. So, you need to break this pattern and teach your child effective ways to draw the line tactfully instead of yelling or avoiding.

Related: Go to the Base of the Emotions Iceberg: Poor Interoception

References

https://sensitivityresearch.com/about-sensitivity/ FAQs – What is sensitivity?

Jerome Kagan, Nancy Snidman, Early childhood predictors of adult anxiety disorders, Biological Psychiatry, Volume 46, Issue 11, 1999, Pages 1536-1541, ISSN 0006-3223, https://doi.org/10.1016/S0006-3223(99)00137-7. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0006322399001377 )

Anxiety often stems from overestimating danger and underestimating our skills.

To begin with, HSCs have a highly active amygdala, making them react quickly to danger and be overly cautious. Thus, they are prone to overestimating danger.

Secondly, self-esteem issues are common among HCs. They arise from the fact that HSCs’ quiet temperament is not valued as it should be by our extrovert-loving society. In addition, many HSCs are sensitive to criticism. As a result, they are more likely to underestimate their skills.

Moreover, sensitive children notice minor details and process things deeply. As a result, they over-analyze possible problems, especially when faced with unpredictability. And they also ruminate a lot.

It’s no wonder, then, that a deeply feeling child is prone to feeling anxious. So, too often, they freeze or walk away instead of brainstorming solutions.

Moreover, a young child’s brain is still maturing and improving its ability to anticipate and reflect. During this process, new fears and anxieties can arise, which is normal.

Parents’ reactions to these worries can soothe or make negative feelings even more powerful. If you become overprotective, you are less likely to empower your HSC. Likewise, if you underestimate their feelings or make jokes about their anxiety, your HSC might not open up to you next time.

So, how can you help your HSC overcome anxiety?

Here are eight common mistakes to avoid and what you can do instead.

1. Assuming you know why your child is anxious

Listen with empathy to what your kid says and acknowledge their worries. Otherwise, you may risk getting the wrong impression.

For example, imagine your HSC does not like swimming in the pool. Even though you told your kid countless times that there is nothing to be worried about, they still refuse.

So, why don’t your explanations work?

One possible answer is that perhaps your HSC isn’t afraid of water. Instead, they don’t like wearing a swimming cap, for example. Or other kids are splashing around in the pool. Another cause might be the excessive noise which makes your HSC unable to focus.

So, in our example, it’s not fear of drowning that makes the child avoid swimming. They may struggle with touch and noise sensitivities. However, if you make a big deal out of drowning, your HSC might pick up on that. So, they might also start worrying about this risk, though they haven’t thought about the possibility of drowning in the first place.

2. Emotionally invalidating your anxious highly sensitive child

Many parents often encourage their kids with phrases like “Toughen up, buddy! There’s no reason to be scared.” We want our kids to be bold and courageous, yet our choice of words might invalidate their feelings. Moreover, HSCs are sensitive to criticism and sense that they are different, so they might easily conclude that something is wrong with them.

That’s why it’s best to listen with empathy and acknowledge their worries before giving advice.

Try to validate that your HSC is having a hard time and normalize their feelings (“It’s okay to feel nervous about this. I feel anxious when I make new friends, too.”)

Related: 9 Things You Should Never Say to Your Perceptive Child

3. Overprotecting your anxious highly sensitive child

Though it may be hard to see your child scared or worried, teaching them that fear is an inevitable part of life is a crucial lesson. Your parent instincts tell you that you need to relieve your kid from discomfort quickly, yet learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings is vital for growth. In fact, children need to accept feeling anxious and push through their anxiety to become confident and independent.

Moreover, while rescuing our children or avoiding altogether overwhelming situations reduces anxiety in the short run, these strategies will worsen matters in the long run.

4. Micro-managing your anxious highly sensitive child

Making all the decisions for your HSC might send the message that they cannot take care of themselves, which feeds anxiety.

Your over-involvement can lead to a tendency toward co-dependence: your HSC will feel anxious when you are not around. Moreover, always deciding for your HSC can make them unable to take responsibility for their actions. Ultimately, micro-managing a child can impede them from developing their identity as separate individuals.

Moreover, the fewer opportunities your HSC has to make decisions, the more they are likely to feel that they can’t control their environment. Eventually, highly spirited children feel angry and frustrated, whereas more even-tempered kids can feel less confident in their ability to make good decisions.

5. Being inconsistent in the way you discipline

Providing structure and warmth while giving consistent discipline is best for your anxious HSC. HSCs need to know they can rely on you. Otherwise, you might lose their trust.

Sometimes, we lose patience with our children because we are tired and need alone time. However, being harsh with your HSC when you feel like this can make them blame themselves excessively. In addition, toxic guilt can exacerbate anxiety. What’s more, an inconsistent attitude on your part can make them feel like they can’t control their environment, which can further contribute to stress.

6. Permissive parenting

Many parents give lots of freedom to children to keep them happy.

However, consistently disregarding your needs to keep your children happy might make you resentful in the long run. Ultimately, resentment can lead to inconsistent discipline on your part and anxiety for your child.

Instead, it’s better to give your child two or three choices that are okay for everyone in the family (“Would you like to ride your bike or go to the playground?” versus “What would you like to do this afternoon?”).

7. Blaming your parenting for your child’s anxiety

Millennial parents work a lot on improving their parenting techniques. As a result, they are most likely the best-informed generation of parents ever. But even the most knowledgeable parents can make mistakes. And even the most effective parenting tactics can go wrong.

So, many parents blame themselves for their sensitive children’s anxiety. But blaming yourself for your shortcomings won’t help your child. HSCs are more prone to worry due to their temperament.

So, try to see parenting as a journey in which you and your HSC learn something new daily.

8. Thinking your child will grow out of it

Anxiety may improve with age as childhood fears disappear and your HSC’s brain matures. However, it might leave a mark on social and emotional skills or other developmental skills (for example, coordination skills if your  HSC fears certain sports). Ultimately, it can impact your HSC’s self-esteem.

That’s why you need to take specific action to support your HSC manage their big feelings.

Here’s a 6-step action plan to tackle your HSC’s anxiety in overwhelming situations:

1. Try soothing first. Be calm and give a hug if your HSC asks. If it doesn’t work, then go deeper.
2. Ask, listen and acknowledge their worries.
3. Ask your child how anxious they are on a scale from 1 to 10.
4. Have your HSC tell you how their anxiety makes them feel. For example, does your child experience any physical sensations, like tummy aches and an increased heart rate?
5. Explain to them what happens. Anxiety is how our brain warns our body to prepare for something unknown. It is helpful sometimes because it helps us anticipate problems.
6. Identify the potential problems your HSC worries about (“What if…?”) and brainstorm for solutions.

Final thought

When parents are anxious, their kids are anxious, too. So, the first thing to do when dealing with your HSC is to work on your own emotions. As a parent, you play a crucial role in teaching resilience and modeling positive behaviors. So, try to ground yourself before you help your HSC.

Let’s say you are in desperate need of building your HSC’s self-esteem, but you don’t know how to proceed. Maybe you see them down and out, not giving themselves the respect they deserve or beating themselves up over mistakes.

“Tell your struggling self, I love you so much.”

Haemin Sunim

Being human does mean making mistakes. However, mistakes do not mean you shouldn’t be loved, and sometimes your child may feel like they aren’t.

For an HSC, this is crucial – sensitive children should feel good about themselves and their abilities. It’s because they are emotionally intense and susceptible to criticism.

However, building self-esteem in kids without making them feel entitled is a rather tricky task that does not come naturally to many parents. Many even tend to overpraise their HSCs. In addition, they often think struggles and failures affect kids’ self-esteem, while they are an opportunity to build it.

Please tell yourself: “It’s not my fault.” You might simply need better ways of handling these situations.

So, keep reading to learn more about expanding your child’s mind so they grasp self-esteem and hold on to it tightly.

Why is self-esteem important?

Self-esteem is essential when approaching so many different life situations and decisions.

Having self-esteem means your HSC believes they matter in this world and have an overall sense of feeling great about who they are. When children recognize their worth and value in the world, they are built better for the twists and curves life may throw at them.

Here are the key factors that influence your HSC’s self-esteem:

• How other people react: Sensitive children have a different personality from 80% of their peers. So, unfortunately, it shouldn’t be any wonder that people may try to tease or label them. These things can dampen your HSC’s self-esteem.
• School life: Our schools are not ideal for an intense child. There’s a lot of socializing going on, noises and lights. In addition, teachers value self-assertiveness and teamwork, which are two skills that don’t come naturally to an HSC. Therefore, your child’s self-esteem can take a hit from school life struggles.
• Family life. Many of our beliefs as adults and perceptions about ourselves stem from messages we have received from parents and siblings during our early years.

How to build an HSC’s self-esteem

It can be challenging to make a sensitive child know his or her worth. An HSC’s ego is very delicate and can be shaken up at any sign of disappointment.

Here are eight simple parenting tactics to boost your sensitive child’s self-confidence:

1. Acknowledge your kiddos’ feelings.

Try to validate your HSC’s feelings even if you are upset that they haven’t followed your rules. Intense children need to know that their opinion matters.

Sensitive kids tend to have self-esteem issues but are also conscientious. Therefore, always assume that they do their best.

Moreover, if your kid is sad or angry about failing at something, ask about their feelings instead of advising them to move past them. Highly sensitive kids are hard on themselves, so they need to learn self-compassion and tolerate their imperfections.

2. Allow your HSC to make choices within reasonable limits.

With set boundaries, you should allow your kiddo to feel in control of certain situations and let them make choices that benefit them. Thus, offer them several options that work for you, and invite them to choose.

3. Do your best to offer autonomy.

Kids need to feel capable but not entitled.

Therefore, it’s best if you don’t do something for them that they know how to do or are capable of doing. Similarly, show your HSC how to accomplish a new task instead of doing it yourself. Their self-esteem will boost when learning a new skill.

Otherwise, your kid is likely to expect help in the future, probably thinking that it’s your job and that they can’t perform to adult standards anyway.

4. Lead by example.

Try to show your sensitive kid reliable ways of dealing with challenging situations. For example, HSCs are particularly sensitive to criticism.

So, speak up and don’t accept unfair judgment from others. But, at the same time, show your kiddo how to take constructive criticism with tact and grace.

5. Build your HSC’s self-esteem by talking about your failures.

Children need to learn the importance of resilience when facing challenges, and their best example is you. So, recollect times from your childhood when you haven’t done your best and times when you have failed. Then, explain to your kid that you have learned something new each time and that the experience you have gained has helped you reach your goals.

6. Encourage your HSC to try new things

Orchid children are cautious by nature. They tend to reflect a lot upon risks before trying something new. However, getting out of their comfort zone can benefit their self-esteem immensely.

First, let them decide what new things they want to try. Start with smaller but achievable challenges, and don’t push too hard. Also, keep things light and fun.

For example, your kid might decide they want to learn to swim. But they hate water in their eyes, so this will be a challenge for them. What can you do? You can start by giving your kid opportunities to play with water: water spray games, water balloon pinata, water limbo, or even wetting their hair before shampooing if they are old enough. Then, meeting the coach would be an excellent opportunity to get familiar with the surroundings. Also, opt for parent-child swim classes in the beginning until your kiddo feels safe without you.

Related: 10 Surefire Parenting Tactics to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Thrive

7. Encourage your HSC to help others as a way to boost their own self-esteem.

Sensitive children like to help and instinctively know what other people need. But, at the same time, talking to new children can be challenging for them.

Therefore, try to encourage them to help others as a way to boost their social skills and increase self-esteem.

Studies show that kindness towards strangers increases our self-esteem more than when we help family or friends.

What Parents Should Avoid When Their HSC Has Low Self-Esteem

Avoid praising too much.

If you want to build self-esteem in your kid without making them feel overly entitled to compliments, don’t praise them excessively. Likewise, don’t use keywords or phrases that might make them brag to peers. For example, telling them words like “You are the smartest kid in your class” will build feelings of superiority rather than self-esteem.

Praising a child too much can also make them depend on external appreciation, which is a prime contributor to low self-esteem.

It would be best always to appreciate their effort, not the final result. If your kids make a mistake, let them feel they are still loved. 

Don’t protect them from disappointment.

Avoid protecting your HSC from regular daily life or interacting with other kids that might hurt their feelings. The ability to tolerate imperfection and failures is a crucial life skill sensitive children need to master.

Your child needs to experience negative comments now and then – that’s how the world works. They need to learn that not everyone is nice. In moments like these, you can help them feel better about themselves without saying anything negative about another child.

You can’t cuddle them every time something goes wrong. Surprisingly, pampering kids too much can lead to low self-esteem.

A Take Home Message

Self-esteem is learned over time and won’t happen overnight, but building it in your child is something that can start today. Offer a sense of security to your child and make them feel valued and accepted at all times.

The naturally loving connection between a parent and child mixed with appreciation for their abilities is bound to help their self-esteem rise high.

With varied life experiences (positive and negative), your child will learn what self-esteem means and how to, in turn, project what they’ve learned to their peers.

Making kids know they are valued will do wonders for their physical and mental well-being, and they will continue the cycle with their friends and family.

References

Brummelman, E., Crocker, J., & Bushman, B. J. (2016). The praise paradox: When and why praise backfires in children with low self-esteem. Child Development Perspectives, 10(2), 111-115. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12171

Xinyuan Fu, Laura M. Padilla-Walker, Michael N. Brown, Longitudinal relations between adolescents’ self-esteem and prosocial behavior toward strangers, friends and family, Journal of Adolescence, Volume 57, 2017, Pages 90-98, ISSN 0140-1971, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2017.04.002. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0140197117300507)

Gulla B and Golonka K (2021) Exploring Protective Factors in Wellbeing: How Sensory Processing Sensitivity and Attention Awareness Interact With Resilience. Front. Psychol. 12:751679. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.751679

“Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you never cease to grow” – Anthony J. D’Angelo.

I still remember Amber’s enthusiasm about starting school and then how she stood quietly apart on her first day, sheepishly watching her new colleagues already forming groups. I was scared and sad that she would feel different and struggle.

As I looked at my five-year-old daughter, I couldn’t help but cringe at the thought of how she would feel out of place seven hours a day for the next twelve years. It was me from the first grade onwards. I hated going to school, and now as an adult, I understand why, being an HSP. Public schools are loud, kids can be mean, exclude and bully each other, and teachers appreciate outgoing children too outrightly.

Nevertheless, all children experience social challenges at school, just as adults do at work. Consequently, some bumps in the road l did not necessarily mean that home education would work. So, what made us finally decide to homeschool?

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.

The Warning Signs

Amber was in public school for the first two years. She had been in a small Montessori preschool previously, where she thrived. She felt miserable at a traditional school, however. For us, the warning signs pointing that it was time to homeschool were:

• Meltdowns: almost every day after school.
• Excessively absorbing negative emotions: she could be sad the entire day if the teacher raised their voice at another child.
• Onlooker behavior: spending most of the recesses alone, especially the first month after the summer break.
• Anxiety: in the morning, on Mondays, and after the holidays.
• Self-esteem issues: She would often compare herself with peers because she is a perfectionist, like most HSP children.

What did the research say about homeschooling?

Even if home education seemed a perfect fit for my daughter, I still had my doubts about it. After all, it would impact Amber’s future immensely, and I wasn’t sure I had the required abilities, the patience, and the intellect to teach her.

Consequently, before making the final decision, I read many studies and statistics. Fortunately, they sounded encouraging. For example, did you know that, according to the National Home Education Research Institute, homeschooled students score above average on tests regardless of parents’ level of formal education or household income?

Also, homeschooled children usually score 15 to 30 percentile points above public-school students on standardized academic achievement tests. It sounds encouraging, right? Moreover, studies show that home-educated children develop socially and emotionally the same as or sometimes even better than institutional school students. One reason is that homeschooled children and their parents are more active in their communities.

I did lots of prepping before deciding to homeschool

#1. Homeschooling regulations. I read about the process and legal implications of homeschooling in our state.

#2. Joining a coop. Coops are great because they usually offer classes and opportunities for socialization like group field trips.

#3. Charter schools seem a good fit for HSPs. The classes are small in size, and the teachers and the children know each other as they are almost the same year after year. In addition, some charter schools are hybrid, meaning you go to school occasionally and learn at home on the other days.

When my daughter gets older, we may opt for a charter school if she does not want me to homeschool her anymore. Our second option would be a Montessori school, where kids work more independently and at their own pace.

#2. Finding an online group of like-minded parents. I arranged to meet with other parents to learn about the reality of home education.

#3. Drafting our home education budget. I decided on a homeschooling budget and thought about cost optimization (like borrowing materials from the library splitting some costs with other families).

#4. Finding a part-time job: I researched online part-time jobs for myself.

#5. Best-fit homeschool curriculum: I learned about homeschool curriculums and the structure of a homeschooling day. As our daughter thrives on routine, we found that we needed a daily schedule, even if the law does not require it.

#6. Reading about learning styles. My daughter, for instance, is mainly an intrapersonal learner, meaning that she likes to study quietly and independently and has high self-management skills, among others. I believe many HSP children are like that.

Pros of homeschooling

#1. Traditional school settings are not for highly sensitive kids.

US public schools do not cater well to introverted kids, let alone those that are also highly sensitive. Teaching also relies heavily on external motivation, like sticker charts and praises. Studies show, however, that rewards and social status do not drive HSPs. Moreover, a lot of HSP children are gifted. Traditional schools, however, focus on meeting the needs of the majority.

#2. The teacher didn’t understand high sensitivity.

From our experience, school staff may not truly grasp the meaning of high sensitivity because it’s not a disability covered by IEP and 504 plans. Sadly, Amber was too sensitive for her teacher, not highly sensitive.

#3. My HSC daughter was too tired for extracurricular activities.

Amber was crazy about art classes and tennis, but she often felt exhausted after school. So we initially moved art classes on Saturday, but we had to drop tennis training. Now, with homeschooling, we can plan extracurricular activities in the morning.

Additionally, as my daughter also loves animals, we have time now to volunteer at an animals’ care center in our area. Volunteering is an excellent opportunity for her to socialize.

What’s more, her extracurricular activities offer me a little break now and then, which is excellent.

#4. Rushing out the door each morning.

HSPs get easily overwhelmed when having to do a lot in a short time. Hence, getting ready for school in the morning would always set Amber and me anxious for the entire day.

#5. Increased flexibility.

When Amber was in a traditional school, we could go on vacation only during the school holidays. As a result, our schedule revolved around school. Now, the increased flexibility of home education is good for our entire family.

Downsides of homeschooling

#1. Limited socialization? No.

I found that limited peer interaction when homeschooling is a myth. Children can have lots of opportunities to make friends of all ages and interact with diverse people. Here are some options that worked for us:

• co-op classes
• sports
• clubs
• weekly play dates
• field trips
• library programs
• field trips, park days, museum programs, nature centers, aquariums, local farms, local historical societies
• community volunteer opportunities
• summer camp (Amber isn’t yet ready for summer camp).

Some of these activities also offered opportunities for learning teamwork. Amber is not a fan of team projects, typical for introverted HSCs. However, I have always thought that learning cooperation is necessary for an adult.

 #2. Additional costs

Curriculums can be very expensive, primarily if you use them only once, like when you have an only child. Additional costs include cooperative fees, field trips, and extracurricular activities.

School supplies can also be expensive if your kid has a passion. In our case, we needed a budget for art materials. HSP kids, my daughter included, usually love art, and traditional schools offer art and music classes at no extra cost for parents. Moreover, Amber loves nature and outdoor learning, which entails additional costs.

#3. Homeschooling is time-consuming

I needed to stay at home or have a part-time job to homeschool my HSP daughter. Luckily, there are plenty of opportunities online for gaining an extra income.

Also, home education was time-consuming at first, especially until I found the best resources and methods that worked for my daughter.

#4. Loneliness for the homeschool parent

I sometimes feel lonely and isolated while homeschooling an only child despite getting involved in our community. In addition, homeschooling an only child sometimes means that I am the playmate and the educator simultaneously, which can be exhausting.

That’s why it’s valuable having other mothers in my life who homeschool.

#5. Traditional schools have great structure

HSP children thrive on routine, and schools offer a great deal of structure. Amber loved this and the learning side of the school, but she had a hard time with the social part. She was thus constantly in fight or flight mode, which intensified her HSP traits. However, homeschooling has done her confidence great good, while her interest in learning has remained unhindered.

Going to a traditional school allowed her to separate the two worlds: school and family. But after settling into our new routine, she can now juggle successfully the two.

#6. Unsupportive family

My parents-in-law were against homeschooling and did not understand high sensitivity, so we got a fair amount of criticism. It was difficult for us, as homeschooling was a hard decision. To show grandparents that it was the right decision, I invited my mother-in-law to a homeschool field trip organized by the local coop so that she could meet other homeschool families.

How we finally decided to homeschool our HSC daughter

Two years in a traditional school setting made me question if it was the right thing for my sensitive daughter.

I’m so glad that the Covid pandemic pushed me over the edge and made us try homeschooling. The day I deregistered Amber, I already felt calmer. I knew home education was for us. There would be no more rushing in the morning, no more meltdowns after school, and no more extracurricular activities on weekends.

Was homeschooling right for me?

Of course, I had my doubts. What if I couldn’t have enough patience to teach my child? What if she were okay in a traditional school setting if we gave her more time to adjust? Can I handle my family’s opinions on my choice? Could I homeschool in our backyard? What if Amber gets distracted by the nice weather and her toys? What if, by homeschooling, I teach my daughter to avoid her triggers instead of coping?

Homeschooling was a struggle initially, but it pushed me to implement much-needed self-care. Now, I occasionally practice meditation, yoga, and exercise whenever I have time. Once a week, I hire a sitter and go out for coffee with my best friend.

What I learned from homeschooling my HSC daughter

Here are the most important things I learned while homeschooling:

1. We will take our homeschooling journey on a year-by-year basis. If my kid wants back to a regular school, so be it. We will follow her lead.
2. Ideally, we will home-educate through elementary school until Amber builds tools for emotional regulation. Then, once she is old enough to understand her high sensitivity trait and triggers, she will learn to offset her overwhelming with quiet time.
3. I need my daughter to take on extracurricular activities to have ”me” time. Being “on” for her, encouraging, and nurturing exhausts me.
4. I learned to trust my child. She may not tell me explicitly what she needs, but she knows how to show me what nurtures her highly sensitive nature and what doesn’t.

References

National Home Education Research Institute, https://www.nheri.org/research-facts-on-homeschooling/

Brian D. Ray (2017) A systematic review of the empirical research on selected aspects of homeschooling as a school choice, Journal of School Choice, 11:4, 604-621, DOI: 10.1080/15582159.2017.1395638