For example, if your daughter played alone at recess, she may decide that she doesn’t have any friends and that nobody likes her. If she struggles with subtraction by regrouping, she may insist that she is not good at math and that she hates it.

Everyone has negative thoughts. Talking ourselves down isn’t unusual. However, negative thoughts that make us miss out on opportunities, can lead to anxiety and depression.

Before we continue, we thought you might like the Overcome Negative Thinking FREE Printable. This freebie can help you address the negative mindset that hinders your child’s friendships, homework struggles and school engagement. In addition, it can also help you discover unconscious negative thinking patterns that you engage in.

What Are Negative Thinking Patterns?

We all have negative thoughts sometimes, even kids. But when these thoughts become frequent, intense, and start to impact their daily lives, we’re talking about negative thinking patterns. These patterns can be like stuck records, influencing how kids see themselves, the world, and their future.

What Are Some Signs That Your Child Has Negative Thinking Patterns?

Typical signs of negative thinking include a negative outlook, excessive worry, self-criticism, and constant focus on flaws or mistakes (the child’s or other people’s).

How Negative Thinking Patterns Influence Emotions and Behavior

Negative Thinking patterns can fuel negative emotions: we believe our negative thoughts and then we react with anger, fear or sadness. These emotions reinfornce, in turn, the negative thoughts, creating a vicious cycle.

Moreover, negative thinking prophecies fuel self-fulfilling prophecies. When a child with a negative mindset believes something bad is going to happen, they may do nothing to prevent it, which makes the thing they fear happen. In other words, they self-sabotage themselves by doing things that confirm their negative beliefs, instead of doing their best.

Negativity can also strain your child’s relationships with friends, family and teachers, and can chip away their self-confidence.

How Do Negative Thinking Patterns Develop?

Some kids might be more likely to have negative thought patterns just because of their genes. This doesn’t mean it’s set in stone!

Tough experiences like neglect, abuse, or scary things can also make them feel worried and see the world negatively.

As they learn and grow, some children might go through bad experiences that make them think negatively about themselves or things around them.

In addition, seeing adults or friends struggle with negative thoughts, low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression  can make them develop a negative outlook. That can happen, for example, when children are highly sensitive and they absorb other people’s emotions like a sponge.

Moreover, kids who are highly sensitive might worry more because they have strong emotions and process information more deeply. That can make them get stuck in negative thoughts more easily.

Negative thinking patterns also develop when children are comparing themselves to others, especially with peers who are popular on social networks or with people on TV. That can make them feel bad about themselves.

10 Types Of Negative Thinking Patterns In Children

1. All-or-nothing thinking: Viewing situations as either completely good or completely bad, with no room for shades of gray. Example: “I got one question wrong on the test, so I’m a terrible student.”
2. Overgeneralization: Drawing sweeping conclusions based on one or few negative experiences. Example: “I lost the game, so I’m always going to lose at everything.”
3. Mental filtering: Focusing only on negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive ones. Example: “My friend didn’t invite me to her party, so nobody likes me.”
4. Disqualifying the positive: Rejecting positive experiences or compliments due to negative self-belief. Example: “My teacher said I did well, but she’s probably just trying to be nice.”
5. Catastrophizing: Jumping to the worst-case scenario without evidence. Example: “If I don’t make the soccer team, I’ll have no friends and everyone will think I’m a loser.”
6. Mind reading: Assuming that they know what others are thinking without any evidence, often in a negative way. Example: “My mom is looking at me funny, she must be mad at me.”
7. Emotional reasoning: Believing that your feelings accurately reflect reality. Example: “I feel stupid, therefore I must be stupid.”
8. Labelling: Placing negative labels on themselves or others based on a single event or characteristic. Example: “I’m such a failure” or “They’re mean.”
9. Should Statements: Holding rigid expectations for themselves and others, leading to guilt and frustration when they’re not met. Example: “I should be able to do this perfectly.”
10. Personalization: Taking responsibility for negative events even when they have little or no control. Example: “It’s my fault my friend is upset.”

How to Help Your Child Overcome Negative Thinking Patterns

1. Be A Detective

First, listen actively to their worries and concerns. Ask questions to understand their perspective and validate their feelings. Don’t dismiss them as “silly” or “unimportant.” Instead, be a detective, helping them identify the root of the negative thought. Is it fear of failure, worry about fitting in, or something else?

2. Gently Challenge Your Child’s Negative Thinking Patterns

Once you understand the thought, gently challenge it. Ask them if it’s always true. Are there other ways to look at the situation? Encourage them to use evidence to support their thinking. For example, if they say they’re “bad at math,” remind them of times they grasped a concept or solved a problem.

3. Help Your Child See Themselves As Separate From Their Thoughts

A great way to help your child overcome negative thinking patterns is to give names to the kinds of negative thoughts your child has. This is a way to show the child that they can push these thoughts away.

For example, if your child is prone to personalization (feeling responsible when something bad happens), have your child name this kind of thoughts (for example, Fault Thoughts). Then you can say, “Sounds like Mr. Fault Thoughts is making you feel worried. We don’t have to listen to Mr. Fault Thoughts. We can tell Mr. Fault Thoughts that they are wrong.”

4. Reframe Negative Thoughts Into More Positive Ones

After identifying the negative thoughts and talking about whether they are true or not, you can now help your child reframe negative thoughts into positive ones. Talk about events that led to negative thoughts and then reframe it by saying something positive (“Ugh, you didn’t get to choose the movie today. But you can pick one next time” or “It wasn’t your turn to pick the movie tonight, but you got to choose the snack.”)

Another option is to turn “should” into “can do”. Instead of “I should be able to do this easily” teach your child to say, “”This is challenging, but I can put in the effort and learn to do it.”.

Adding perspective always helps, too. Instead of: “I’m the unluckiest person in the world”, teach your child to put things into perspective, “Maybe today isn’t going my way, but tomorrow will be a brighter day.”

5. Encourage Positive Self-talk

Positive self-talk can boost your child’s confidence which, in turn, can help them develop a more positive outlook.

Instead of “I’ll never be good at this,” try “I’m learning and getting better every day.” Positive affirmations like “I am smart,” “I am capable,” and “I believe in myself” can also be powerful tools.

6. Equip Your Child With Tools To Overcome Their Negative Thinking Patterns

Teach them coping mechanisms to manage negative thoughts. Mindfulness exercises like deep breathing or focusing on the present moment can calm their minds. Creative outlets like drawing, writing, or playing music can help them express their emotions and release tension.

7.  Celebrate Progress

Acknowledge and celebrate their efforts, not just their results. Did they overcome a fear? Did they try a new approach? Let them know you’re proud of their progress, no matter how small. This boosts their confidence and encourages them to keep trying.

8. Encourage Healthy Friendships And Be Supportive

Spending time with friends triggers the release of oxytocin, also called the “love hormone”. Oxytocin has been shown to calm down the nervous system and reduces negative thoughts. Similarly, a supportive family, where the child feels free of judgment and criticism, helps reduce negative thought patterns and boosts self-confidence.

Before continuing, we thought you might like to download our Anger Wheel printable for FREE. This printable can give your child eight simple coping tools to cope with anger safely, without hurting themselves or others. You can print it as a poster and hang it in your child’s room or in your classroom if you’re a teacher.

All children are bound to have outbursts from time to time. After all, they’re still kids! Their brains are still developing, so it’s unrealistic to expect them always to remain calm. Many adults aren’t capable of emotional regulation 100% of the time.

At the same time, frequent outbursts aren’t as common in school-aged children. 9-year-olds who continue to struggle with temper tantrums and emotional meltdowns are often highly sensitive, deeply feeling children. By learning more about highly sensitive children and their unique needs, you can support your child more effectively in these challenging moments.

How The Highly Sensitive Brain Works

We are all aware of what happens around us, some more than others. It’s a survival mechanism. This is how, in prehistoric times, we sensed danger. However, some people notice subtle details that most of us miss, and they react more, for better or for worse. These people are more sensitive to their surroundings. According to research, highly sensitive people account for about one-third of the population.

Researchers are still learning why some people are more sensitive than others. However, several theories try to explain why some individuals react more strongly to emotional and sensory stimuli.

One theory suggests that highly sensitive people have more active “mirror neurons.” In 2014, a brain imaging study found that highly sensitive people have consistently higher activity levels in parts of the brain that process social and emotional stimuli. This higher activity level means they can easily relate to and understand others’ emotions, even if they don’t know them personally. (However, sensitive individuals tend to be most compassionate to people they know well).

Another theory is that sensitively wired children might have a lower “trigger point” for their sympathetic nervous system, which is the part of our nervous system responsible for the “fight-or-flight” response. As a result, highly sensitive kids might be more easily startled or overwhelmed by stressful or exciting situations.

Finally, some experts suggest that highly sensitive individuals might have a higher base level of alertness, implying that their brains are more active even while at rest. This indicates that they might be more attuned to their surroundings and more likely to perceive and react to stimuli.

Overall, the exact mechanisms underlying heightened sensitivity are complex and likely involve several factors. However, understanding these theories can help parents and educators better understand and support highly sensitive children.

Now that you’ve seen how a highly sensitive brain works, let’s see how a tween’s brain works:

Tween Developmental Milestones (8-12 Years Old)

Kids can think more logically and use their words to solve conflicts at this age. That means that by the time they reach 8-9 years old, they can usually talk it out when they struggle with big emotions and have fewer anger outbursts.

In addition, tweens also start to feel more self-conscious, so it can be hard for them to deal with difficulties like language problems or trouble keeping up with schoolwork. This can lead to them acting out because they’d rather be seen as ‘bad’ than ‘dumb.’

In the tween years, kids experience a wide range of emotions, and it can be tough for them to manage these feelings. When they have a hard time coping, it can show up in different ways:

• Mood changes: Your child may often feel angry, sad, or anxious and can even experience emotional meltdowns. They may also develop new fears or panic symptoms.
• Withdrawal from Social Activities: Your kid might start avoiding activities they used to enjoy with their friends and spend more time alone or in their room. In extreme cases, that can look like an emotional shutdown.
• Difficulty Concentrating: Your child might struggle to pay attention in school or follow instructions. In addition, they might lose interest in activities they used to enjoy or experience changes in their appetite or sleep.
• Physical Symptoms: headaches and stomach aches (read more about somatization here)

What Are Emotional Meltdowns?

Your child’s brain constantly receives and processes input from the environment, and then the child reacts based on that input. In a normal situation, this process is smooth. However, when there’s a lot of input but low output, then emotional meltdowns occur.

For example, the school environment has emotional and sensory stimuli (lots of input). However, your kiddo needs to be on their best behavior at school and keep their emotions in check (low output). That means they will release the negative energy when they feel it’s safe, usually at home.

The brain overload that happens throughout the day is like when too many notes are played on a piano simultaneously, creating a cacophony. In your child’s brain, the different parts of the nervous system start to “jangle,” causing a surge of emotions and physical sensations that they bottle up until their brain gets overloaded.

The limbic system, the part of the brain responsible for emotions, goes into overdrive, and the HPA axis, the body’s stress response system, kicks into high gear. This causes your child to experience a flood of emotions like anger, anxiety, and frustration.

At the same time, the sensory system becomes hypersensitive, making the child more aware of even minor stimuli. That can, in turn, lead to sensory overload, making it difficult for them to think logically.

While emotional meltdowns are healthy because they help to release bottled-up feelings, how much is considered normal for a tween?

Is It Normal For A Tween To Have Emotional Meltdowns?

According to experts, while emotional outbursts are common for toddlers and preschoolers, they should typically subside within a few minutes when the child is five or six. If outbursts persist for longer, like 15, 20, or 30 minutes, that may be a sign of an underlying issue, like ADHD (there is an overlap between ADHD symptoms and high sensitivity).

A recent study found that over 75% of children with severe temper outbursts have ADHD. Experts suggest that inattention, inability to complete tasks, and difficulty dealing with boredom could contribute to explosive behavior.

Children with ADHD may also have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, which is when a person feels an intense emotional discomfort related to rejection. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria can also lead to frustration and anger outbursts.

Moreover, according to this study (see Table 1), children who have had three or more temper outbursts per week for the past month may be at risk of a mental health condition, like severe mood dysregulation. In this case, it’s best to consult a specialist.

It’s our duty, as parents and educators, to teach our sensitively wired kids healthy stress-coping skills so that they are less likely to develop mental health conditions.

The first thing you can do to help your child is to identify their triggers so that you can prevent their emotional meltdowns. Here are the most common triggers of deeply feeling children:

Triggers for Emotional Meltdowns

• Sensitive kids are sensitive to criticism. They can take personally the slightest hint that they have done something wrong.
• Changes in routine. Deeply feeling children thrive on consistency, so changes in their daily routine can be upsetting. This could include changes in bedtime, mealtimes, school schedules, or travel plans.
• Sensory sensitivity: Some kids are more sensitive to sensory stimuli, such as noises, artificical lights, strong smells, or crowds. These stimuli can overwhelm their nervous systems, leading to meltdowns.
• Feelings of unfairness: Deeply feeling children have a strong sense of fairness and justice, and they can become distraught when they think that someone has been unfair to them or others.
• Pressure to perform or high expectations: Sensitive children may feel pressure to meet the expectations of others, like parents and teachers, which can lead to anxiety.
• Feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem. A highly sensitive child’s self-confidence tends to drop over time as a result of mounting criticism (“You’re too shy,” “Why don’t you try it, look how brave Mike is, he’s already done it,”) and stressful experiences (some uncomfortable experiences may seem minor to most of us, but remember that highly sensitive kids feel things deeply).
• Lack of quiet time. Your child may get easily overwhelmed by a long day at school, a packed full schedule, too much social interaction, and intense emotions in others. Thus, they need quiet time and space to recharge. However, not having plenty of daily downtime can lead to emotional meltdowns, which are your child’s way of releasing pent-up energy.

While these are some common triggers for sensitive children, it’s not an exhaustive list. Review our Highly Sensitive Child Checklist if you’re still unsure whether your child is highly sensitive.

Coping Strategies For Your Sensitive Tween’s Emotional Meltdowns

It is essential to be prepared to help your child when they’re feeling big emotions. Here are some calming and sensory strategies that can help your child and your whole family feel supported.

Let’s dive in!

1. Manage your emotions before helping your child with theirs

Many of us were never taught effective emotional self-regulation strategies, which makes it difficult for us to remain the calm, grounded leader that children need. If this is you, know that you’re not alone. Here are some tips to help you stay calm during your child’s emotional meltdowns:

• Give yourself some compassion: try, “It’s okay for this to trigger me. It’s triggering because I used to get punished when I behaved like that.” or “I feel nervous. It’s okay. I don’t have to copy my parents’ reactions. I can break the cycle”.)
• Take a few minutes to calm yourself to calm your child. ( “I need a moment to calm down; then, we’ll see how we can make things better.”) Only an emotionally regulated parent can help an emotionally dysregulated child calm down.
• Don’t take emotional overreactions personally. Just as we all occasionally lose our calm, it’s understandable that our kids will have moments when their emotions get the better of them. But before we assume that their outbursts mean they’re disrespectful or don’t care about our rules, remember that they often feel overwhelmed and confused. They may not fully understand their emotions, leading to frustration and lashing out. Instead of reacting with anger or reprimands, it’s essential to approach these situations with empathy and understanding. Help them identify what’s triggering their emotions and work together to find healthier ways to express themselves.

2. Validate the emotion, not the behavior

It’s natural to want to stop your child when they are acting out, but forcing them to stop often makes them worse. Instead, let your child express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

Here are some scripts that you can use to prevent a situation from escalating:

• “I can see that you’re really angry right now. Let’s talk about what’s making you feel this way.”
• “You seem really upset. It’s okay to feel angry/sad/frustrated, but it’s not okay to yell/hit/hurt others.”
• “It’s important to take a break when you’re feeling angry to calm down before you say or do something you don’t mean.”

3. Avoid dismissing your child’s experience because that can make emotional meltdowns worse

We often get so caught up in our child’s big feelings that we disconnect from them. This reaction often stems from our own childhood, when we weren’t allowed to show strong emotions. However, saying things like “you’re fine” and “you’re okay” when your child is upset will only make them feel even more overwhelmed.

Sensitively wired kids are more likely to feel rejected (those with ADHD may even have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria), so making them feel understood is crucial.

4. Avoid making your child get defensive

Your sensitively wired child is likely to feel defensive when they’re feeling criticized or blamed. So, instead of using accusatory language like “you got mad,” try using “I language” to convey your understanding and empathy. For instance, instead of saying, “You got mad when you couldn’t play video games,” try saying, “I can see how it was frustrating when you couldn’t play video games.” By using “I language,” you focus on your feelings and reactions rather than putting your child on the defensive.

5. Take a step back when your child is close to an emotional meltdown

It’s best to give each other emotional space when things get heated. So try to step back and calm down before engaging in any further discussion if you or your child feel mad. This could mean taking a few minutes to breathe deeply, listening to calming music, taking a shower or going for a walk.

Remember, you’re modeling emotional regulation for your child. When you can stay calm and composed even in challenging situations, you’re teaching your child that it’s possible to manage their emotions effectively. Over time, as your child sees you practicing these skills, they’ll be more likely to incorporate them into their behavior.

6. Teach your child how to set emotional boundaries in order to prevent emotional meltdowns

Sensitive children are uncomfortable setting boundaries and often end up bottling up emotions. Bottled anger can easily lead to a meltdown at home, where they feel safe. That’s why teaching your child to set limits with others is so important. Learning to set boundaries is crucial for preventing emotional meltdowns. Here are some ways to do that:

• Practice what you preach and advocate for your own needs: By seeing you practicing boundaries, your sensitive child will gradually feel safe to express their feelings instead of bottling them up.
• Respect your child’s boundaries: Validating each time your kid sets a limit helps them practice setting boundaries. For example, if your kid says, “I don’t want to kiss Grandpa,” you might say, “Sure, honey. How do you think you could greet him instead?” instead of “That’s unkind.”
• Teach your child about positive self-talk: A deeply feeling child often feels ashamed of setting limits even if the other person has overstepped boundaries. That feeling of guilt might hide low self-esteem problems, so fostering positive self-talk is crucial.
• Teach I-statements: Here are some examples: “I don’t like it when you…because I worry that…”, “I’m sad because…”, “That makes me feel angry. Please stop.”

7. Help your child build resilience in order to reduce emotional meltdowns

Deep-feeling kids often have difficulty handling frustration, leading to emotional meltdowns. This might be because they’re extra sensitive, making even minor setbacks feel like a big deal. Plus, they might not have fully developed the ability to recognize and express their emotions. Sometimes, parents’ eagerness to swoop in and fix things can make it worse. By solving their kids’ problems too quickly, parents can deprive them of opportunities to learn to deal with setbacks and build resilience. Additionally, some kids get stuck in a cycle of dwelling on the negative, reinforcing frustration and discouragement.

Whatever the cause, as parents and educators, we need to help sensitive children be more emotionally resilient. One way to do that is to help them break down problems into smaller steps using the Step Ladder Approach. This approach involves breaking down anxiety-provoking situations or tasks into smaller, manageable steps. Children can build confidence by starting with less challenging steps and progressively moving towards more difficult ones. You can find more about it in this post: How to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Overcome Worries with the Step Ladder Approach.

8. Deep breathing

Taking deep breaths can help children and adults calm down when they are close to an outburst.

There are many fun ways to teach children deep breathing exercises. If you’re not sure where to start, print this FREE Star Breathing Exercise.

9. Quick Body Scan

Another fun strategy that your child can practice anywhere is the Quick Body Scan exercise. The Quick Body Scan is a simple and effective technique to help kids calm down and manage their emotions. It’s a mindfulness exercise that helps kids focus on their bodies. This can help them identify early signs of stress or anxiety and take steps to calm down before their emotions get too overwhelming.

How to do a Quick Body Scan exercise:

• Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
• Focus on your toes. Notice if they feel relaxed, tense, or somewhere in between.
• Gradually move your attention up your body, focusing on each part: your feet, calves, thighs, hips, stomach, chest, back, shoulders, arms, hands, face, and head.
• Notice any sensations in each part of your body, such as tightness, warmth, coolness, or tingling.
• If you notice any areas of tension, try to release the tension by taking a deep breath and slowly tensing and relaxing the muscles in that area.
• Continue scanning your body up and down until you reach your head.
• When you’re finished, open your eyes and take a few more deep breaths.

10. Sensory activities

Sensory activities can be a fun way for kids to express themselves, especially those who tend to hold their feelings in. Getting physical can help them release those pent-up emotions and feel better.

Here are some fun and engaging movement exercises for children:

• Movement activities: dance, jump rope, or do yoga.
• Rocking: Sit on a yoga ball or a sturdy chair and gently rock back and forth. This movement will help stimulate the vestibular system, which is responsible for balance.
• Balance challenges: Stand on one foot, then on the other. Also, try standing on a balance board, wobble cushion, or walk heel-to-toe.
• Deep pressure: Wrap a firm blanket or towel around your child and have them lie on their stomach or back. This activity will provide deep pressure stimulation, which can help to calm the nervous system.
• Resistance exercises: push against a wall or use resistance bands to strengthen muscles.
• Heavy work: carry boxes or bean bags or (make sure the weight of the objects is age-appropriate)
• Grounding exercises: Have your child stand with their feet shoulder-width apart and their toes spread wide. Then, have them slowly bend down and touch their toes, focusing on the sensations in their feet and legs.
• Sensory play: Engage your child in sensory play activities that involve touch and movement, such as playing with play dough, slime, kinetic sand, or water. Sensory play helps to release endorphins, which have mood-boosting effects.

11. Journaling

Journaling can be a valuable tool for children of all ages, providing a safe and private space to express their thoughts and feelings. While open communication is critical, a feelings journal adds a private space for your sensitive kid to explore their emotions. Let them choose a special notebook to express themselves through writing, drawing, or whatever feels right.

12. Remind your child of past successes

Brainstorm, together with your child, past experiences when they’ve safely managed emotional meltdowns or big emotions. For instance, if your nine-year-old is anxious about making new friends in the new school year, remind them that they’ve gone through similar situations before. While it may have been tricky initially, they’ve proven their ability to overcome these challenges.

You may even make a poster that celebrates their past successes: your child should be able to add anything like a message or a picture of something they are proud of. You can use a poster board or a large sheet of paper or make it a digital poster. Just make sure the poster is big enough for the child to add all they are proud of.

Celebrating your child’s strengths and rewarding positive behaviors is essential for sensitive children. That’s because they tend to be hard on themselves and are very sensitive to criticism. Focusing on what your child does well, you help them build up their self-esteem.

13. Reassure them that you’re here to support them no matter what

Focusing on “good” behavior and past successes is important, but it’s equally crucial for children to understand that difficult situations and uncomfortable emotions are an inevitable part of life. The key is to help your child develop coping mechanisms for these challenges.

By practicing some of the other things we’ve discussed, like holding space for your child’s feelings and helping them set emotional boundaries with others, your kiddo will learn that they don’t have to go through the ups and downs of life alone.

And though emotional awareness and sensory intelligence are great gifts, they often come with a set of challenges, like anxiety, anger, meltdowns, and trouble with transitions.

So, if you often believe that you’ve caused your child’s worries, explosive outbursts, and frustration or that you’ve failed your child somehow, let me tell you that you’re not to blame.

You’re also not alone if you feel like that. Many parents of sensitive, different children do.

By learning more about the sensitive temperament, you’ll see that it has nothing to do with you. It’s a matter of misunderstanding how deep feeling children think and what triggers them. It just takes a bit of learning communication and understanding their big feelings.

Before you continue, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.

Why does a deeply feeling child feel so much rejection, shame, and self-blame?

Sometimes, kids have a deep sense of “I’m not good enough,” which comes from the negative messages they perceive. There are a lot of situations that can trigger them. For example, it may be something you said when you snapped because you were tired, or when you turned down an invitation to play with them too abruptly, or when something turned different from what your child expected.

Additionally, when your child hears you, a classmate, a friend, or a teacher say something, they are likely to interpret it negatively if they are more sensitive. Their brain seems wired toward negativity.

That’s why knowing how to talk to your deeply feeling child is crucial.

5 Tips to Discipline without Making Your Deeply Feeling Child Feel Shame and Rejection

1. Ensure your deeply feeling child knows your love for them is unconditional

Our natural impulse is to stop our child’s big feelings, especially when it happens often. Even the most patient parent can end up shouting as they become increasingly overwhelmed, emotionally and sensory-wise.

What happens next is that the child ends up believing that the parent is angry at them for feeling that way. As a result, the child learns that feeling those emotions is not okay. They bottle up their feelings, start having negative self-talk, and the outbursts don’t stop. They still happen. Just like volcanoes occasionally erupt, deeply feeling children also have meltdowns out of the blue.

If you have a child who struggles with negative self-talk, it’s because those things they say are what they believe about themselves right now. Unfortunately, those negative beliefs influence their behavior every day.

One way to help reduce meltdowns is to ensure that your deeply feeling child knows you love them no matter how they behave. They need you to tell them that your own big emotions have nothing to do with your love for them.

2. Encourage responsibility while avoiding shaming

For children to learn self-accountability, they need to be aware of their impulses and identify their emotions and needs.

Helping your child identify how they feel, even if they are very young (“You’re sad because you wanted that”), can help them pause before reacting and encourage them to talk about their feelings.

You can try narrating your child’s behavior neutrally, without judgment, while setting simple and clear boundaries (“You’re biting. Let’s take a quiet break and join the other children later.”)

3. Help your deeply feeling child understand how others’ actions can affect them

Toddlers have limited self-awareness, yet they begin grasping emotions and actions by observing others’ impact on them. One way to help them see how others’ behavior impacts them is to narrate for your child what happens when someone makes them sad or happy.

You can try this,

• “I said no more throwing toys, and you did not like that.”
• “Grandma asked you to share, and you weren’t ready.”
• “Your friend brought you a present, and you feel excited now, don’t you?”

With older children, you can talk about relationships with classmates and friends to help them see what behaviors are okay and which ones are unkind. For instance, you can say: “I’ve noticed that what Milo did made you sad. Calling other people names is unkind, don’t you think?”

Sensitive children are often anxious in new situations or with new people because there’s a lot of information to take in and little time. So, you may want to talk on this subject and approach it in a neutral way that doesn’t make your child feel defensive. For example, you might want to begin the conversation casually, “My friend wanting to kiss you goodbye made you feel uneasy, so you covered your face. Am I right? Would you like to talk about it?”

4. Guide your child in understanding how their actions can affect peers

When your toddler causes upset to a peer, it helps to put those emotions into words. That way, your child starts learning about feelings and how we show our emotions through behavior. For example, you can say, “You threw her toy away. Now she’s crying. She’s upset and wants her plane back. Let’s go help her find it.”

They learn resilience and problem-solving by teaching children that mistakes can be repaired and that cooperation can solve most problems. If your child avoids joining you in diffusing the tension, get to their eye level, explain why it’s essential to follow through, and assure them that you’ll help.

With an older child, asking questions that encourage awareness and empathy might help:

• “How do you think your friend felt when you did/said that?”
• “How would you feel if someone did/said that to you?”

5. Explain how your deeply feeling child’s behavior affects adults

One way you can talk about how your child’s behavior affects the adults in their life without making them feel ashamed, rejected, or unloved is by framing your feedback using I-statements. For example, say, ” When you did [action], I felt [emotion].”

• “When you hit me, I felt sad. I know you’re upset because I turned off the TV, but using violence is not an acceptable way to express anger. Let’s find healthier ways to handle our emotions.”
• “I understand that school has been challenging for you, and it’s understandable that you had a tough time tonight. However, when you talk to me that way, I feel upset. So, I’d like you to avoid talking like that to me even when you’re facing difficulties. I love you and will always be here to support you. Let’s find a better way to express yourself if you need space.”

Another way to focus on the behavior, not the child, is to say, “Hitting hurts others,” instead of “You’re a mean kid for hitting.”

Does Your Deeply Feeling Child Get More Upset When You Validate Their Feelings?

Have you noticed meltdowns worsening when you tell your child, “You seem upset”?

For parents of deeply feeling children, it can be helpful to approach big feelings a bit differently. While we often mirror our children’s emotions as a form of validation, that can overwhelm a deeply feeling child. ⁠

⁠So, you must choose the right time and setting: instead of talking about their feelings in the heat of the moment (especially if it happens in public), it’s best to retreat to a quiet corner, help your child calm down and then talk about what happened. Discussing while doing another activity can also help (like doing a puzzle or on a car ride).

Disciplining your child gently, without making them feel unloved, is something every parent of a deep-feeling child needs to do. When your child melts downs, whines, or gets angry, reacting gently is even more important.

Let me tell you a story about Becky, mom to a 4-year-old spirited girl and a 2-year-old boy.

This frequently happens in her house: her daughter comes home from preschool and needs a quiet break, which is impossible with a toddler.

So, her little brother attempts to engage his older sister in play. At first, she seems okay with it, but then she starts to be mean – she snatches his toys, pushes him, and makes fun of him. Becky tries to intervene, but her daughter ignores her. The four-year-old eventually hit the two-year-old, and boom.

Now the little girl is entirely dysregulated and unable to chill. So, she refuses to eat what her mother made for dinner, then fights bath time and resists going to bed. She’s whiney, angry, and yells at everybody.

Does that sound familiar?

If it does, you may have a sensitive but spirited child. These children are easily overstimulated but in a subtler way. As toddlers, they may have feared certain stimuli, like sudden noises and crowds. But now, as preschoolers or school-age kids, they understand that there’s no real danger. Still, their highly sensitive brain makes them spend energy faster than non-HSP brains. So, these children get stressed or tired more quickly than their peers.

When your child is like that, they’re nothing but sensitive – they are self-centered you doubt whether your child is highly sensitive. They can get angry, defiant, yell, and whine for no apparent reason.

On the other hand, they are deeply sensitive to rejection, harsh criticism, and strict parenting.

So, how do you discipline them without pushing them away?

Before you continue, we thought you might like our 11 Gratitude Prompts. Make these gratitude prompts a part of your bedtime routine or Friday family dinners.

What to avoid when you have a spirited child

Despite their behavior, spirited children are sensitive to criticism, so lecturing them about rules can easily backfire.

Punishing them for being insensitive to others’ needs will likely drive them further away.

Shaming might work temporarily, but it can have devastating effects on self-esteem.

Being in a rush and low on patience can worsen the behavior. That’s because sensitive and spirited children can feel as if their feelings are dismissed when you rush them.

The lack of time prevents them from processing the information at their own pace, so they get overwhelmed. As a result, because they feel unheard, they’ll use behavior, any type of behavior, to get your attention.

So how can you support a spirited child without pushing them away or crushing their spirit?

5 Strategies to Support a Spirited Child

1. A spirited child needs to feel seen

When your child  has a tough time, it helps make them feel validated, first, and then to hold the boundary. We don’t want to create resistance to their resistance because that makes things worse. Instead, we want them to freely express their emotions without fear of judgment.

Getting caught up in the moment and starting a fight is easy. But try to reframe the situation and remember that you and your child are on the same side. You are a team working towards the same goal – emotional regulation.

So, instead of “No, you aren’t allowed to do that,” or “No, we don’t have time for that right now,” it helps to explain you are on the same team:

You: “Sweetheart, we’re a team. I know we can figure it out together.”

Child: “No, we aren’t on the same team.”

You: “How can we be on the same team? What do you need from me to help you feel better?”

Then, listen actively and with compassion as they tell you about their struggles.

Reassuring them you are on their side might not work the first time, but it helps calm your child enough to begin to regulate.

After actively listening to what they say, validate the feeling (“That sounds so frustrating!”).

When they have settled, brainstorm solutions together and provide logical explanations as neutrally as you possibly can (“Let’s see. How can you convince your brother to share his new toy with you? Do you have any ideas?”)

2. See your child as a whole human being

Many of us tend to focus on one trait our children possess, whether it’s good or bad – “she’s too sensitive”, “he’s into sports,” “he’s always so rude,” “she’s shy,” “he’s clingy,” or “she has sensory sensitivities and will never learn how to swim” or “she’s a little drama queen when she doesn’t get her way.”

Children measure their worth through our lenses. And our words become their inner voice. Even a positive trait (“he’s an athlete”) can be harmful because your child may think sports is the only thing they are good at, limiting them from exploring other options.

So, let us not define children by a single behavior, hobby, like or dislike. Instead, let’s see them as human beings as a whole.

Children have bad and good moments. For many different reasons, they can be self-centered and compassionate, depending on whether they’ve had a good or a bad day if they like the other person.

Likewise, as parents, we tend to have a go-to reaction when triggered. For instance, some parents are yellers. But what good does it do to be seen as the “yeller” in the house? Negative labels feed guilt instead of improving behavior.

Normalizing children’s strengths and limitations can also help reduce our parental worries (“How is my child going to turn up if they’re always behaving like that?”, “He’s so sensitive. How will he handle stress as an adult if he cannot build resilience?”). Accepting our children as perfectly imperfect can also help us reduce our urge to swoop in to fix their problems.

More importantly, accepting them as a whole can help us build a good relationship with our children. A solid relationship is key to disciplining sensitive children without pushing them away.

3. Add humor to diffuse tension

Using humor to diffuse the situation is also great if you are in the mood. It helps us see the problem from a lighter perspective. That is extremely helpful for sensitive children because they tend to overthink due to their ability to process information deeply.

Here are some examples:

“You’re the worst mom ever!”

“Oh, really? Does that mean I don’t have to make you broccoli for dinner tonight? Phew, what a relief! But seriously, it’s okay to feel upset, but let’s find a nicer way to express ourselves, like saying, ‘Mom, I’m not happy right now.'”

“You’re so mean!”

“Oh, I know, I won the ‘Meanest Mom in the Universe’ award! It’s quite an honor. But seriously, I love you too much to be mean. But, sometimes, I have to set limits because I care about your well-being. So let’s find a way to work together, okay?”

Remember to make fun of the situation, not laugh at your child’s fears or behaviors. Nobody likes that, especially sensitive kids. Moreover, irony and sarcasm are concepts that little ones start to grasp from age seven onwards, and even then, they can backfire.

3. Spend quality time together

Sensitive spirited get dysregulated when they feel disconnected from you. They can get angry, defiant, and rude when they feel unsafe.

But when their bucket is full, they are more likely to follow your advice. Remember that highly sensitive children like to follow the rules and are conscientious, but emotional and sensory overstimulation gets in the way.

So, whenever your child is in a bad attitude cycle, spend more one-on-one time doing other activities they choose. Also, unstructured play and play in nature are great for managing overstimulation.

Playing baby is another great bonding activity, especially if your spirited child is your eldest or you have a new baby. For instance, you might pretend to rock or sing to them to sleep. After you’ve finished rocking and singing, you can act like you want to put them in bed, but you two are stuck with glue. Now you are stuck together! Oh, no! What are you going to do?

4. Empower your spirited child with choices

Giving your child some autonomy can prevent defiance and other tricky behaviors.

For example, you can encourage them to choose what clothes to wear, what to have for breakfast, or what book to read before bed. Have clear, consistent rules and discuss what is non-negotiable to ensure your child makes appropriate choices.

Also, choose your battles wisely. For example, does your child want to wear a T-shirt outside in winter? It might be because of sensory issues; they’ll probably get their jacket when they step out.

Choices also work when you feel the need to impose consequences. For instance, instead of “If you don’t clean up the toys, I am taking them away for one week,” you might say, “If you choose not to clean up the toys, then you also choose not to play with them for one week.”

5. Make a family kindness list

Sensitive children with strong personalities can be surprisingly self-centered when overwhelmed. Unfortunately, many parents become their child’s emotional punching bags.

Highly sensitive parents can feel sad when their child says hurtful words despite their best efforts to support the child. Other parents, who may not be HSPs, may get angry and impose consequences.

Whatever your parenting style, children, like all people, tend to show their good side when we choose to see the good side of their personality. For this to work, we must be intentional about it and suppress the urge to escalate.

One way to focus on the bright side is to make a family kindness list.

Ask your family to write down things they like or appreciate about each other and something they can do to show kindness to each other. Younger children can draw, or you could help them write. Alternatively, you can create a family gratitude jar where everyone writes something they are grateful for and reads it aloud at the end of the week.

Here are some acts of kindness:

• Help with chores
• Draw or write someone a thank you card
• Give someone a flower
• Make a small gift
• Share or lend toys
• Help a younger sibling get dressed
• Make someone else’s bed
• Help set the table
• Say “thank you” more often
• Say “I love you” more often
• Give a hug when someone’s upset.

These are five ways to raise a sensitive and spirited child without crushing their determination. But, of course, there are many other ways to discipline them while also keeping the connection. Each child has a unique nervous system and unique needs.

In this article, you’ll learn:

My eight-year-old loves to read and write and is curious about everything. But last year he didn’t like school. At all.

The teacher would say that he was the most well-behaved child in class. He was quiet, answered questions, and always did his best—the ideal student from the teacher’s perspective.

But not for us. Almost every day, my son had after-school meltdowns. He tried to hold it together in school and needed to get the big feelings out afterward.  

I could see how school was overwhelming for him. Lots of noise, movement, brightly colored walls, bright artificial light, chemical smells, and itchy school clothes. Then there were the busy playground, noisy cafeteria, and group projects. Last but not least, creating and maintaining friendships was tricky for him.

After researching how to help my child, I embarked on a mission to advocate for my son at school.

Here is what I found out.

Your kid is probably not the only highly sensitive child in school

According to studies, about 1 in 3 people score high on the environmental sensitivity scale. So, in a class of 25, about 7-8 students are highly sensitive, meaning they may be emotionally intense, have a lower sensory threshold, or appear shyer.

That means that your child is not the only one struggling with school overstimulation and after-school meltdowns. There are other parents with whom you might talk about classroom accommodations.

Related: The Highly Sensitive Child Guide (2022)

How to Talk to the Teacher about Your Child’s Needs

Mentioning that your child is an HSP (highly sensitive person) does not guarantee you’ll get support. Since being an HSP is simply a character trait, the school is not obligated to allow for accommodations. So instead, you might want to ask the teacher how they feel about your child’s school evolution. Show that you are willing to solve the problems they identify, and then share your concerns. Finally, kindly ask the teacher to create a plan together on how you can help your child relax and thrive in school.

The plan should include your child’s behaviors when feeling overwhelmed, how they can self-regulate, and how the teacher can help them.

Remember to approach these conversations with a positive team-like attitude:

• “I have noticed that my child is struggling in certain areas, and I would like to discuss strategies to help them succeed. Can we work together to develop a plan?”
• “I’d like to share information about my child’s strengths and challenges. That can help us work together to create a supportive learning environment.”
• “Can we meet regularly to discuss their progress and any necessary adjustments?”

Related: Why Transitions Are Tough for Your Deeply Feeling Child

Highly Sensitive Child in School: What They Need to Thrive

1. The highly sensitive child needs short breaks

Some kids are just born loud — that’s their learning style and the way they express their feelings. But this is always at the expense of those of us on the sensitive side of the scale.

Some sensitive children need more quiet time. Recess might also be a time for quiet since a loud, busy playground may be the last thing they need after a stimulating lesson. 

Yet, other sensitive children (mine included) enjoy socializing and running around in recess. But there’s a limit on how much my son can handle before he gets hyper.

Here’s how you can formulate the idea of quiet time or space with the teacher:

• “I have noticed that my child can become overwhelmed in noisy or overstimulating environments. Can we create a quiet space or a calm-down corner where they can take a short break when needed?”
• “I believe my child would benefit from having a designated quiet time (for instance, in the library) during the school day to rest and recharge their energy. Can we discuss how to make this happen?”
• “I believe that providing my child with a quiet space will benefit them and help them be more self-confident in the classroom. Can we work together to create a plan for this?”
• “I would like to share some information about my child’s sensory needs and how providing a quiet space can help them better manage their behavior. Can we discuss how we can make this happen?”

Related: 10 Smart Ways to Help Your Sensitive Child Succeed in School

2. The highly sensitive child works better independently or in small groups

Group work can be stressful for introverted children and discourage creativity. If the teacher needs to use groups, they need to consider everyone’s personalities, assign clear roles, and allow the children to prepare as much as possible in advance.

How you can inform the teacher that your child struggles with group work:

• “I believe that my child would benefit from having the option to work independently or in pairs instead of groups. Can we talk about their upcoming group project?”
• “I would like to share some facts about highly sensitive children and how they can benefit from more independent work. Can we discuss this?”
• “I believe that my child feels more confident when there are clear rules on when it’s acceptable for kids to interrupt one another and when they have choices about their role in the project.”

Related: Best States for Charter Schools: Do You Live in One of Them?

3. The highly sensitive child needs a simple classroom design

Brightly colored walls, with cheerful sing-along music and a noisy classroom, can quickly tire a sensitive child.

Parents, though, are unlikely to have a say in these issues. Still, you can ask the teacher to sit your child by the window. Looking outside the window can give sensitive children a break from what happens inside.

Related: How I decided to homeschool my HSC daughter

4. The highly sensitive child needs flexible seating arrangements

Many children go unnoticed because they are quiet and well-behaved. So teachers often think that these kids can be a calming influence on more energetic classmates. But the needs of the quiet kids also need to be considered.

Here’s what you can say to the teacher:

• “I’ve noticed that my child can’t focus when sitting next to high-energy kids. Can we discuss if it’s possible to change their seat?”
• “I understand that the classroom seating arrangements may be flexible. Can we work together to find a seating arrangement that better suits my child’s needs?”
• “I believe that providing my child with a less distracting seating arrangement will help them be more successful in the classroom. Can we work together to create a plan for this?”
• “I’d like to talk to you about my child’s temperament and how sitting next to an energetic child can inhibit them. Can we discuss how to accommodate this?”

5. The highly sensitive child doesn’t do best under pressure

Generally, highly sensitive kids don’t do well with time pressure, just like HSP adults don’t like having a lot going on at once.

• “I’ve noticed that my child gets overwhelmed when they have to work on time-sensitive tasks. I believe they can do better when allowed to prepare as much as possible in advance.”
• “I would like to talk about my child’s temperament with you. They are highly sensitive and get overwhelmed when having to work under pressure. Can we work together to make a plan that meets their needs? For instance, if you divide the project into smaller tasks and explain the priorities, they would do great.”
• “I understand that children sometimes work on time-sensitive tasks. I believe it’s a great way to teach them to become resourceful and flexible. However, I noticed that my child doesn’t do well under stress. Can we work together on how we can help them? For example, I believe my child can do best under time pressure when the task is about something they have a keen interest in.”

6. The highly sensitive child gets discouraged easily and needs lots of praise

A highly sensitive child, if quiet and well-behaved, can become invisible. Though HSPs don’t like to be the center of attention, they need to feel heard and validated, like everybody else.

Praise can help them come out of their shell. That’s why it helps if the teacher praises not only kids who always raise their hand but also attentive listeners and those who make meaningful comments.

Consider talking with the teacher about using praise to encourage your child to feel at ease in the classroom. It doesn’t have to be always verbal. A little smile and eye contact showing the teacher appreciates their contribution can do wonders. Gradually, your child will learn to speak up more often.

Related: How to Encourage an Overly Cautious Child

14 Easy Accommodations to Help the Highly Sensitive Child in School

Since being sensitive has to do with personality and is not a diagnosis, your child is unlikely to get significant special accommodations. Still, you can discuss simple and quick strategies to help your child thrive.

Here are some essential strategies you should know:

1. Have a daily visual schedule (sensitive children thrive in predictable environments)
2. Create a quiet area or calm-down corner in the classroom
3. Build daily quiet time into the routine: have 15-minute quiet reading time (it would be great to read on a bean bag or a sofa)
4. Offer children the opportunity to play board games during recess
5. Have a mixture of individual, pair, and small group projects
6. Praise small victories
7. Praise insightful comments and active listeners
8. Wait 5-10 seconds before calling on children to answer in class (it gives time for reflective children to prepare an answer and gather up the courage to speak up)
9. Have the highly sensitive child seated by the window or in a quieter corner of the classroom
10. Pair the highly sensitive child for various tasks with another classmate with a similar temperament to encourage them to become friends.
11. Allow the highly sensitive child to prepare well in advance for time-sensitive tasks and large group projects
12. Allow students to talk without interruption
13. Allow students to bring a book or an iPad on the playground, or other tools for individual or small group play (hula-hoops and chalk)
14. Have a quiet corner on the playground with benches where kids can read or play quietly.

We hope this list of suggestions helps, although it’s not exclusive. Discussing this list with the teacher can help your child speak up more often in class, relax enough to make friends, and, hopefully, have fewer after-school meltdowns.