How to Encourage an Overly Cautious Child

If you have an HSC, you know how overly cautious they can be. You have probably encouraged them thousands of times…

• There’s nothing to be afraid of, honey!”
• “Don’t worry, everything’s fine.”
• “I’m sure you’ll like the new kids at your school.”

…while secretly wondering why your child gets so fearful instead of rising boldly to the challenge:

• “My kid is always on edge.”
• “He’s a mamma’s boy.”

However, fear is a useful emotion because it triggers our fight or flight reaction in the face of danger.

For five million years since men first appeared on earth, our instant reactions to fear have allowed us to survive the dangers of daily life, as life was much more dangerous in the beginning.

What is your child overly cautious?

#1. Negative associations

Sometimes, the underlying cause is a negative association. Thus, children want to avoid certain situations because something terrible happened in the past in a similar setting.

#2. A sensitive amygdala

Some of us are born with a highly reactive amygdala which makes us cautious in new situations (1). A sensitive amygdala can also help us see details that others miss. But sometimes it’s too much – the amygdala can show us there’s a danger when there is none.

#3. Sensory sensitivity

Other times, the underlying reason is sensory sensitivity. For example, maybe your child is susceptible to noise, so they want to avoid crowds. Or perhaps they have poor balance (related to our vestibular sense), so they avoid swinging and jumping the trampoline.

Related: How To Calm an Overstimulated HSC Who Has Trouble Sitting Still

#4. Childhood fears

Lastly, kids can be very cautious because of childhood fears, which usually disappear with age. Typical childhood fears include fear of being alone, fear of the dark, fear of dogs and big animals, imaginary monsters, unexpected noises, and bugs.

Related: How to Help Your HSC Surrender to Sleep

When should you get worried about your overly cautious child?

It’s time to get worried when you suspect that your kid has lagging skills because they avoid too many certain things.

An overly cautious child might miss opportunities to learn or improve their skills because of their avoidant behavior. But, then, feeling they have lagging skills compared to peers can make them avoid even more what they felt afraid of in the first place.

Fortunately, you can avoid this by following this easy four-step action plan which will help you prevent and manage your child’s triggers.

Four-step action plan to support your overly cautious child

1. Make a list of triggers

As it’s easier to prevent than manage a tantrum, the first step towards addressing your HSC’s fear is identifying what activities and things cause excessive cautiousness.

Here are a few ideas to start the conversation:

• Going to school
• Playground
• Playdates
• Family gatherings
• Joining clubs (fear of being left alone)
• Sleeping in a different bed or house
• Fear of heights
• Swimming
• Going on a plane
• Jumping the trampoline
• Merry-go-rounds
• Going down the stairs (it has to do with poor balance).

Related: How to Help Your Highly Sensitive Kid Manage Criticism

2. Draw and discuss feelings with your overly cautious child

Art is known to relieve stress. By drawing what makes them uncomfortable, your HSC makes small steps toward acknowledging their fears and thinking if there is a reason for them.

You might encourage your child to open up by asking open-ended questions.

Let’s look at an example.

Consider 3-year-old Caden, who is afraid of swimming. His mother asks him to draw a picture of him swimming in the pool. To encourage him to talk about his fear, she can ask him questions like:

• “How does this picture of you in the water makes you feel?”
• “How do your eyes feel when you get wet?”
• “Picture yourself floating on the water. How does it feel? Do you feel the sun on your face? Are your fingers going above and below water? How does it make you feel?”

3. Expose your overly cautious child gradually

Gradual exposure helps your HSC see that what they avoided was not as bad. On the contrary, your kid might enjoy themselves once they get used to it.

In Caden’s example, he could practice with inflatable arm floaties in the bathtub, apply water to his face, practice holding his breath, walk in the pool, or play with the waves breaking on the beach. Also, he could watch videos by swimming instructors to know what to expect during a swimming lesson.

If your HSC gets overwhelmed by too many stimuli, try to combine what makes them wary with relaxation techniques. That way, they might associate what bothers them with something positive (relaxation).

In Caden’s case, his mom can suggest breathing exercises while in water.

4. Make a list of calm-down activities

Making a list of calm-down activities together can be effective. However, it’s best to do it when your HSC is relaxed. They will likely get defensive when asked to try a new activity if they are overwhelmed.

Here are some ideas:

• Give Mommy a hug
• Make water balloons
• Water the plants
• Bite/Chew something
• Hit something
• Breathe quietly
• Think of a nice place
• Play with a pet
• Drink water or a smoothie with a straw
• Walk barefoot on grass/sand
• Touch something cold and then something hot.

Related: Go to the Base of the Emotions Iceberg: Poor Interoception

Final thought: each child is unique

Should you be concerned that your HSC doesn’t like to take risks? Maybe you are not even on the same page with your partner about how to parent your overly cautious HSC. Your partner wants to force your HSC to confront their fears while you want to let them develop at their own pace.

HSCs are wired to be more cautious. Some would say they are more mature and prudent and that excessive cautiousness is not a sign of cowardice.

Moreover, consider your kid’s level of development. A preschooler’s brain is still maturing, and they haven’t yet mastered impulse control. What’s more, the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of their brain that connects thoughts and actions with goals, won’t yet fully mature until their twenties.

Also, bear in mind that God has made each of us unique. It means that our children might have different opinions from us and a different temperament than we expected. They have a different childhood than we imagined for them.

Just be accepting of your HSC’s take on the world!

Do not always be thinking of attack! Moves that safeguard your position are often far more prudent.

Aron Nimzowitsch, Chess player

References

Schwartz, C., Kunwar, P., Greve, D. et al. A phenotype of early infancy predicts reactivity of the amygdala in male adults. Mol Psychiatry 17, 1042–1050 (2012). https://doi.org/10.1038/mp.2011.96

https://www.thescienceofpsychotherapy.com/