Children are easy to influence and surprisingly perceptive. How we talk to them affects their view of themselves and the world.
Our words and reactions have an even more powerful impact in the case of highly sensitive children (HSCs). As you know, many HSCs are extremely perceptive, judge themselves excessively, and are prone to self-esteem issues.
That’s why choosing your words with care is essential to ensure you don’t unknowingly wound your perceptive child.
Your HSC has a different temperament from the majority of the kids. So, common phrases many parents use to encourage or soothe can backfire in an HSC’s case.
Here are nine common things that you should avoid saying to your perceptive child.
1. “Toughen up, buddy!”
Telling your HSC that they need to calm down and stop crying can make them feel like their feelings and reactions are embarrassing. However, HSCs often feel shame for feeling different than 70-80% (1) of their peers. Moreover, invalidating your HSC’s feelings can make them reluctant to discuss openly with you.
So, it’s best to validate your kid’s emotions when they’re upset. Then, help them with a calming strategy (like breathing and grounding exercises).
Instead, you can say: “Tell me how you feel. What makes you feel this way?”
2. “Why are you so quiet?”
Your HSC has probably heard this phrase often from you or strangers. The intention behind the words is good, as people believe that this way, they can encourage a quiet kid to come out of their shell.
However, labeling an HSC as “quiet” or “shy” is not helpful, especially as HSCs are very self-aware. It can make your child have poor self-worth and think things like “I’ll never be good enough,” “I can’t make friends.”
Instead, try to praise your perceptive child when you see that they are making an effort to be friendly (“I appreciate that you answered all your doctor’s questions.”).
Also, try to validate their feelings, “I can see how hard it must be talking to new kids. But I’ve noticed that they like hide-and-seek, too. So maybe you can join in.”
Related: How to Support Your Shy HSC
3. “Boys/girls don’t do that.”
Gender bias is something you want to avoid because HSCs certainly don’t have a typical temperament, especially boys.
HSC boys can feel like they need to suppress their emotions, so they learn to act like men. And HSC girls can feel like there’s something wrong with them and need to mask for society to accept them.
Instead, you can say: “That might not be a good idea because…”
Related: How to Help Your Highly Sensitive Kid Manage Criticism
4. “You’re too young. You shouldn’t think about this.”
HSCs ask many profound and surprising questions, like “Why do people have choices?” and “Is Santa going to die? He’s so old.” But, of course, classic questions like “How did the baby get in your belly?” always take us by surprise, too.
So, consider asking your HSC open-ended questions to help clarify what they are asking. Your child might not be asking what you think they’re asking, so don’t give information they might not be ready to hear. Instead, give short and easy answers. Also, be prepared to revisit the topic because HSCs have a great memory and like to meditate on their existence.
Discouraging your perceptive child’s curiosity can make them less open to asking you questions in the future. Then, they might try to get answers from other sources that are less trustworthy.
Instead, you can say: “What an interesting question! What made you think about it?”
5. “You’re so smart!”
It can seem counter-intuitive, but making general compliments or complimenting inborn talents (like having a nice voice) can backfire.
And here’s why.
An HSC who often hears that they’re intelligent, perfect, or can sing beautifully, can make them think that this is a quality that best describes them. Then, they’ll feel devastated when they make mistakes or someone else has better results. So, they will think, “I thought being smart/talented was my key strength. If it’s not, then what am I good at?”
That’s why it’s best to be specific and underline core strengths that build a solid inner foundation.
For example, HSC-specific strengths that can help them succeed in life are attention to detail, patience, empathy, and consciousness.
HSCs have challenges in areas like progress versus perfection, so praise progress and effort.
So, instead of saying, “You’re so smart!”, you could say:
- “I like how you combined the colors in your painting to make it seem like the sky was cloudy” (praise attention to detail)
- “You did a nice thing helping our neighbor with her bags.” (praise empathy”.
6. “It’s not too noisy; you’ll get used to it.”
Sometimes we think our HSCs complain too much: the air is too stuffy, the cafeteria is too smelly, there’s too much noise at the fair, and the list can go on.
But, just like you show understanding for your kid’s big emotions, you must also validate sensory overstimulation.
Many sensitive children have a lower tolerance for noises, smells, or pain. However, it is a scientifically-proven fact (2). Sensory sensitivity is not something they can easily control or change about themselves. It’s part of who they are.
So, you can validate their feelings and identify coping mechanisms: “The noise here is too much for you, I hear. Would you like your noise-canceling headphones?”
Related: Go to the Base of the Emotions Iceberg: Poor Interoception
7. “We’re doing everything for you.”
Parenting an HSC can be a challenging journey. Sometimes you feel that you spend all your time ensuring your HSC doesn’t get overwhelmed, but they still do somehow.
Parents can feel “over-stressed” and take out their frustration on their kids. But your HSC does the best they can, like you. That’s why phrases like “We’re doing everything for you” can make your kid think along the lines of “I am a burden” and “It’s my fault.”
Instead, you can say: “We love you, that’s why we do these things for you, so can you please do this for me.”
8. “I told you so.”
This is the last thing your perceptive child wants to hear when they make a mistake. Yes, you may have been right, but comforting your kid will make them more cooperative in the future.
This kind of message can hinder your HSC’s critical thinking skills. They may interpret your words as, “I can’t think for myself, so I must do what others tell me.”
Instead, you can say: “I’m sorry it didn’t go well. What can you do differently next time?”
9. “That’s not how you do it. Here, I’ll show you.”
Kids learn by making mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities for kids to learn and for us to practice our diplomatic skills.
Stepping in too often might make your HSC feel like they aren’t able to do it and that failing is never an option. As a result, your kid’s self-confidence weakens, and they might avoid doing new or challenging activities.
The message your perceptive child gets is, “I can’t do it. Someone has to help me.”
As your kid grows, they might even expect you to help them when they don’t need it and then feel resentful if you don’t.
Instead, you can say: “What else can you try? Let’s think together.”
References
- Lionetti, F., Aron, A., Aron, E.N. et al. Dandelions, tulips and orchids: evidence for the existence of low-sensitive, medium-sensitive and high-sensitive individuals. Transl Psychiatry 8, 24 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41398-017-0090-6, https://www.nature.com/articles/s41398-017-0090-6
- The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron, Ph., ISBN: 0-553-06218-2
