Are you stressed about handling the holidays with your highly sensitive child? Are you wondering how to avoid meltdowns, sensory overload, and behavior problems during the holiday craziness?
And what about dealing with tricky family stuff? Like when Aunt Edna tells you to stop your kids’ “bad” behavior immediately, or Grandma keeps nagging you to get your kids to “behave.”
You know that your highly sensitive child needs support, but what do you do at the moment?
In this post, we’ll share nine effective strategies to help you and your deeply feeling kid thrive during the holiday season.
Before you continue, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.
Why Holidays Can Be Tough For A Highly Sensitive Child
Most parents of sensitive children worry that their kids will either act out at family gatherings or be so slow to warm up that they’ll attract negative comments from extended family.
Why do children with a more sensitive nervous system have tricky behaviors around the holidays? Here are the leading causes:
1. Routine changes
Highly sensitive children often have trouble with transitions.
Changes to the routine can be challenging even for parents in charge of the holiday schedule. But they’re even harder on kids who take time to get used to new things or who get anxious easily. Sensitive kids will want to stay in their comfort zone because they struggle to adjust to new situations. Big gatherings can be particularly overwhelming for them.
2. Reduced Downtime
With all the holiday hustle and bustle, it’s easy to forget about downtime. But for sensitive kids, downtime isn’t just a nice thing to have – it’s a must-have for their physical and mental health. Think of it like recharging their batteries.
3. Small Talk
Your child might not be the chattiest person. When other kids or adults expect them to talk a lot, it can put extra pressure on them.
Some highly sensitive kids, whether neurodivergent or not, might not be able to talk when they’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed. They might just stop talking altogether (a condition known as “selective mutism’) or only speak to certain people. This is a natural way for them to cope, so it’s essential to remember this during the holidays.
These three factors – change in routine, reduced downtime, and pressure to make conversation with unfamiliar people – can result in a range of behaviors: your child might become quiet and not want to do anything or get bossy as a way to control their environment.
These scenarios are very stressful for parents, who may feel embarrassed by their children’s behavior, especially when there are nieces and nephews around who are all outgoing, charming, and compliant.
Even if not said out loud, it’s clear that some family members won’t understand why your child is behaving like that. For instance, when your niece excitedly tells their grandparents about all the cool things they’re doing at their taekwondo class while your kid is hiding under the table.
You may feel like you’re being judged. You may feel like you have a bad kid and are a terrible parent who can’t control their children.
Understandably, parents often feel stressed out before these get-togethers. Unfortunately, a sensitive child can sense your anxiety, which makes them act out even more. And on top of that, these children can tell when other family members are judging them, making things even more chaotic.
Here are some tips for reducing the stress during the holidays:
9 Strategies To Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Overcome Holiday Stress
1. Let Your Highly Sensitive Child Know What To Expect
Give your kid a heads-up about the gathering – where you’ll be going, who’ll be there, and what to expect. Show them photos of family members they haven’t seen in a while, and share some happy memories of past family gatherings. Knowing what to expect can significantly ease your highly sensitive child’s anxiety.
Try a more positive approach instead of lecturing them about how they should behave at family gatherings. Warnings like “If you act out, I’m going to …” would only make your child anxious. They’ll sense your worries, increasing their chances of having difficulty at the family gathering.
You can also explain that Grandpa is excited to see them and would love to hear about their day. Suggest that they greet the family with a high five or smile instead of a hug. Encourage them to play with their cousins, but also let them know that taking breaks is okay if they need quiet time.
If you have a highly sensitive child, acknowledge that family gatherings can be overwhelming for them, making it challenging to express themselves calmly and appropriately. (“Family gatherings can be loud. If you ever feel overwhelmed, just let me know. We can take a break together” or “If at any point you feel uncomfortable, just let me know. I’m here to make sure you’re okay.”)
That’s why it helps to brainstorm coping strategies together:
- Discuss options for greeting: Talk about options for greeting, like waving, blowing a kiss, or making a drawing to give to them upon arrival (that you may have to hand over if your child is hesitant) or bring a toy to share with them. It may also help to hand one of your child’s favorite books to an adult the child knows well (like Grandma) and suggest they start reading. That can be a “soft opening” that draws your child to them.
- Find a cue word to signal that your child is making unsafe choices. For instance, saying “banana bread” means it’s time to pause and problem-solve. This is an excellent way to show your child you are on their team.
- Decide on quiet time activities: When it’s time for a break, you can set your child up in a calm space with books or toys you’ve brought from home.
2. Avoid Shaming Your Highly Sensitive Child
“Why can’t you share nicely with your cousins?”
“Stop bossing everyone around. Nobody is going to want to play with you.”
“Why won’t you just go play with the other kids?”
These reactions can make children feel bad about themselves, leading to more acting out or withdrawal if they’re slow to warm up. It also sends the message to your child that you may be disappointed in them, which fuels distress. When kids feel bad inside, they act “bad.”
- Instead of “Why can’t you share nicely with your cousins?” try, “Let’s take turns using the toys so everyone can have a chance to play.”
- Instead of “Stop bossing everyone around. Nobody is going to want to play with you”, you may want to try “Let’s give everyone a chance to share their ideas. How about we take turns deciding what to play next?”
- Instead of “Why won’t you just go play with the other kids?” say, “It’s great to see you taking your time getting to know everyone. Would you like me to introduce you to some of the other kids?”
3. Talk To Family In Advance
Start by acknowledging your family’s experience. This will make it more likely they will listen and be open to the perspective you share and want them to respect:
- “I know Mia can be hard to handle during family gatherings. She has a hard time being flexible, and we’re working on that. I know that can make it stressful for everyone.”
- “I know you feel hurt when Timmy won’t hug you. It’s uncomfortable for me, too.”
Then, share your perspective along the lines of:
- “Mia is a spirited girl who sometimes gets overwhelmed and has her way of bringing order to her world when she feels out of control. We’re working on helping her manage these moments, and we’d appreciate your support. I know you want to help, and the best way to help us is just to let us handle things with Mia.”
- “Timmy takes his time getting to know people. He likes to watch and observe before he feels comfortable jumping in. It’s not about you; it’s just his way. We’ve found that giving him space and letting him know we’re happy to see him works best. He’ll come around when he’s ready.”
4. Allow Your Highly Sensitive Child To Socialize When They Feel Comfortable
You might think it’s important for your child to chat with your aunt visiting from far away or sit on Uncle Joe’s lap, but it can be a bit overwhelming for them if they don’t see these people often.
You may want to help your child when they feel shy or overwhelmed. For example, “Timmy, this is your Aunt Jean; Aunt Jean, Timmy doesn’t feel ready to say “Hi” yet.”
Don’t make your child hug or kiss anyone at the family gathering. If they’re uncomfortable giving hugs or kisses to relatives they barely know, that’s okay. It’s their body, and they have the right to decide who they want to hug or kiss.
5. Let Your Child Choose How They Want To Open Their Gifts
People have different preferences regarding giving and receiving gifts, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Some folks love the excitement of unwrapping presents in front of a crowd, while others feel awkward being the center of attention and worry about finding the ‘right’ reaction.
It’s common for kids who are more sensitive to feel uncomfortable being watched while doing something, like opening presents. They might feel like they’re being judged or that they need to perform for everyone.
For many sensitively wired kids, surprises can be anxiety-provoking. Some children might feel more comfortable if they know what their gifts are ahead of time. That’s why you may want your child (if they are older) to pick out their own gifts to know exactly what they’re getting for Christmas.
6. Avoid Food Battles With Your Highly Sensitive Child
A lot of the grown-up Christmas foods don’t sound tasty to kids. Besides, children should decide for themselves whether they want to try new foods or not. That’s why it’s a good idea to make sure your child has some of their favorite foods on hand for Christmas Day, just in case they don’t like the traditional Christmas food on offer. Just as we wouldn’t want to be forced to eat foods we don’t like, children don’t react well to being made to eat certain foods, particularly if they also have sensory sensitivities.
Don’t expect your picky eater to become adventurous on Christmas Day suddenly. Save yourself and them the stress of making your highly sensitive child try out new foods in front of everyone. Pack some of their favorite snacks from home to bring along, whether you’re eating at someone else’s place or a restaurant.
And let’s be honest, expecting a young kid to sit still for an entire lunch or dinner might not be the most realistic expectation. If possible, give them the flexibility to snack throughout the day and come and go from the table as they please. You know your kid better than anyone, so try to accommodate their eating preferences as much as you can during holiday gatherings. It’s not worth fighting a food battle on Christmas Day!
7. Be Your Child’s Safe Haven
When a child feels safe, they are more likely to venture out and explore. But when they encounter something that frightens or overwhelms them, they instinctively seek reassurance from us. This act of returning to the “secure base” helps children regulate their emotions and build a sense of self-confidence.
Expect your child to be more clingy in unfamiliar or new situations and with people they don’t know well. These are stressful situations for children with more sensitive nervous systems, whose stress alarm goes off more quickly.
8. Spot The Signs That Your Child Is Tired
When kids feel tired or on edge, they often show specific signs. Be on the lookout for these clues so you can help them chill out before they melt down and manage their emotions in a healthy way.
Here are some common signs that a child is close to an emotional meltdown:
- Physical signs: Increased heart rate, sweating, flushed cheeks, clenched fists, dry mouth and tense muscles
- Emotional signs: frustration, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, worry, caution, and hesitation
- Behavioral signs: crying, yelling, hitting, throwing things, hiding, fidgeting, difficulty concentrating, arguing, asking for help, seeking reassurance, and taking lots of quiet breaks.
Let your child have things that help them feel calm, like noise-canceling headphones, fidget toys, or their special teddy bear. You can also make a plan with your kid, before the family gathering, on what calming strategies they’d like to try when they feel tired. Here are some examples:
- Deep breathing: inhaling for four counts and exhaling for four counts; belly breathing
- Quick body scan
- The 1-2-3 senses exercise (one thing you can see, two things you taste, three things that you can see).
9. Shift Your Perspective
If you often have negative thoughts running through your head about your child and your parenting style, you’re not alone:
“Why does my child make everything so challenging and embarrassing for me?”
“Why can’t she just enjoy herself like her cousins?”
“I’m so angry and resentful that she makes me feel like a terrible parent. I just want one uninterrupted hour of peace with my family.”
These are the unspoken thoughts that often linger in the minds of parents raising sensitive children. They feel ashamed and resentful both towards themselves for having such thoughts about their children and towards other parents who seem to have it all figured out.
But the reality is that every child has unique challenges, and sensitive children often require a more nuanced approach.
Please don’t judge yourself too harshly. You’re only human. Raising sensitive kids can be challenging, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes.
The important thing to remember is that your child is a good kid who struggles sometimes because they have a more sensitive nervous system. And you are not a bad parent if you have a child who struggles in social situations.
Remember, highly sensitive children are still highly sensitive on Christmas.
