I was a highly sensitive child and growing up, my mother’s negative attitude hung like a dark cloud over our lives. I vividly remember her constant complaints about our relatives, how she discouraged me at every turn, and her negative attitude. Her words became the soundtrack of my youth, shaping my perspective on the world.
As I entered adolescence, I noticed the effects of her toxic behavior on my friendships. I became hesitant and had trouble trusting others. The fear of being disappointed or judged weighed heavily on my shoulders.
As an adult, I can see that my mother suffered from burnout. But I also know that her toxic habits impacted me greatly. I now realize the importance of a positive environment where my children can see the good in others, feel safe to create friendships, discover the world, make mistakes, and learn from them.
Why How We Talk in Front of a Highly Sensitive Child Matters
Highly sensitive children are highly aware of the energy of those around them. They are smart, active listeners and notice subtle non-body language. That’s why it’s crucial to be mindful of our words and actions because they influence how children perceive others and themselves.
Moreover, highly sensitive children are usually the pause-to-check type of person, while most people are the go-for-it type. What does it mean?
First, it means that HSP kids are socially hesitant, so talking badly about others (“That child needs to learn how to share”), can make them excessively cautious (“I’ll never play with children who don’t share”). But then, avoiding uncomfortable situations can make your child miss learning opportunities (in our example, learning to manage conflict who a child who doesn’t share).
Then, the pause-to-check trait can make them meet challenges with fear instead of excitement. Fear can make a sensitive child avoid mistakes because they worry that people will make fun of them. But then a vicious cycle ensues, because avoiding what they fear makes them, in fact, even more anxious.
What helps is to choose our words carefully, model a growth mindset (there’s a lot of power in the word “yet”) and avoid self-deprecating comments (“I can’t do this yet” instead of “I’m so clumsy, I’ll never be able to be like Mike”). That way, we can help them replace fear with excitement.
Here are five things that you should avoid doing in front of your highly sensitive child:
1. Speak poorly of others
As individuals, it’s normal to have different opinions. Having said that, having different points of view does not mean that you can start judging and complaining about other people’s behavior. And even if you do, avoid doing so in front of your child.
Complaining and cheap talk can make them more cautious and suspicious about other people. They might start avoiding social interaction because they think most people are bad.
That does not mean we should tolerate mistreatment or always agree with others. However, it’s best to be respectful of others’ opinions.
Avoiding gossip and complaining also helps kids to see the best in others instead of focusing on what they don’t like. Seeing the positive is always energizing, while cheap talk can be energy-draining. That’s particularly true for highly sensitive children who absorb bad vibes quickly. Remember that “hurt people, hurt people” and “healed people, heal people.”
2. Negative self-talk
We all go through low self-esteem phases at one point in our lives. But if it lasts too long, it can also affect your mental health and those around you.
A sensitive child is highly receptive to what you say and do. Hearing you speak negatively about yourself can lead them to believe self-deprecation is normal.
Negative self-talk is harmful to us, too. We activate our bodies’ stress response when we engage in negative self-talk. Thus, we become the attacker and the attacked.
Try to foster, instead, self-compassion. Remember that we are doing the best we can with where we are and what we have. And next time you catch your brain whispering something about yourself that you wouldn’t accept from someone else, choose not to accept it from yourself, either.
3. Negative body talk
Whether you are talking about your body or someone else’s, highly sensitive children notice it all. They notice criticism, praise, and compliments and internalize those judgments if they hear them often enough.
Though it can be involuntary, those comments stick with your child. Later, in the preteen and teen years, negative body talk can lead to low self-esteem and distorted eating, particularly if your child dislikes their appearance.
So, it helps to acknowledge as neutrally as possible that, for instance, your body has changed instead of venting with frustration about your mummy tummy. Also, avoid praising someone who’s lost weight because it can teach your child that only smaller bodies are lovable.
Let’s teach our children that all bodies are different and incredible. After all, heightened sensitivity also makes us different and incredible.
4. Make fun of others
Many non-HSPs make jokes or use irony when someone makes a mistake. It’s a way of lighting the mood; most people don’t get upset about it.
Yet it’s a slippery slope when you’re talking to an HSP. Highly sensitive children are often hard on themselves and would rather avoid a challenge than make a mistake. So, making jokes about it would inhibit them even more.
Showing compassion when someone goofs or at least talking neutrally about it helps normalize mistakes. It also helps build self-compassion, which highly sensitive children often lack.
5. Stay glued to your phone
Most of us spend time online to decompress after a long day. Though needing solo time is only human, mainly if you are highly sensitive or an introvert, try to set screen rules. Funny reels and Netflix shows are great, but spending time with your child is even better.
It helps to set aside distractions when your child wants to tell you about their day or when they want to play with you. Depending on their age, talking to or playing with you is their way of decompressing.
Also, avoid screen time and engage when your highly sensitive child is hyper. That’s a sign that they may be worried about something and need to talk it out.
If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.
Catherine M. Wallace
Plus, don’t forget that children imitate what their parents do. So if you are obsessed with social media, your child might become like that when they are old enough to have social media accounts. We all know, however, about the dangers of cyberbullying and other mental health risks of social media.
This article covers just a small number of things that we should avoid doing in front of sensitive children.
At the end of the day, what matters is realizing that your words will be the voice that plays over and over in your child’s mind. Fortunately, your words are also something that is entirely under your control. You’ve got this!
