Are you overwhelmed by parenting a child who melts down at the slightest things?
Did you imagine parenting to be much easier?
Do you worry that you’re a bad mom?
If you are overwhelmed by parenting, know that you are not alone. According to Pew Research, about 41% of people say raising kids is tiring, and about 1 in 3 parents say that parenting is stressful all or most of the time.
Parenting is even more tiring if you also have a child who is easily frustrated and melts downs seemingly out of nowhere.
Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.
A lot of parental stress involves us feeling guilty that we have failed our kids and doubting our parenting style. But remember that perfect parents don’t exist and that this quest for perfection is harmful to our mental health. Moreover, a parent struggling with mental health issues, like burnout, anxiety and depression, can’t help a dysregulated child.
What happens if you‘re overwhelmed by parenting and you ignore your needs
Mom burnout can lead to depression and anxiety. It can also make us yell more at our kids and not be as patient. If you are overwhelmed by parenting, slowing down and taking care of yourself is essential.
5 Strategies To Remain Calm Through a Meltdown
1. Change your perspective: tricky behaviors are signs of an unmet need
The way we see bad behavior shapes how our children behave.
When your child has a meltdown, it’s not because they’re being bad or because you’re a bad parent. It’s because they’re feeling overwhelmed, either emotionally or sensory-wise. Unlike tantrums, which are intentional behaviors, meltdowns are involuntary reactions to overload.
Meltdowns are a way for more sensitive children to express their intense emotions. It’s crucial to understand that your child isn’t trying to give you a hard time; they’re genuinely struggling to cope with overwhelming emotions.
Sensitive kids also have lots of outbursts (which are not necessarily meltdowns) out of sheer frustration and because they can’t handle disappointment. If we understand that their outbursts are a way of communicating unmet needs, we can help them express themselves in a more healthy way.
For example, instead of taking away privileges when a child is acting out, we can help them calm down by teaching them coping strategies (when they are calm) like taking a break, listening to music, or hugging a stuffed animal. When we show our children that we care about their feelings and want to help them, they’re more likely to learn how to manage frustration and disappointment in a healthy way. And as they learn to do this, they’re also more likely to become more cooperative and less likely to have outbursts.
The bottom line is that our kids’ meltdowns are not a sign of bad parenting. Remember that next time you feel overwhelmed by parenting a sensitive or differently wired kid.
2. Focus on yourself not on stopping the meltdown
Our role is to remain a kind and calm leader. How can you do that when you feel overwhelmed by parenting an explosive child?
One way is to shift the focus from what’s happening around you to yourself. Your job is not to stop the meltdown but to remain kind and calm throughout the meltdown.
When you feel like you’re about to burst, ask yourself these three questions (you may not be able to do this the first time, but the more you try, the better you’ll become):
#1. How will I feel about this problem tomorrow? Next week? Next year?
Our struggles nearly always ease with time. The sun always comes up tomorrow, as they say.
#2. Is this problem permanent?
A lot of children outgrow their meltdowns. But if you have a highly sensitive child, perhaps with a neurodivergence diagnosis, then your child will probably not outgrow their strong emotions on their own. But with your help, they can learn healthy coping skills to deal with those feelings. That means that their meltdowns will eventually reduce with the right help.
Whenever you feel overwhelmed by your child’s meltdowns, remember the power of “yet”:
- “My child hasn’t yet learned how to cope with their big feelings.”
- “I haven’t yet learned to remain calm during meltdowns.”
#3. Am I or my child in real danger?
Our brains are programmed to react instantly to danger. It’s how we survived when there were real threats around. But in the modern world, there are fewer real dangers. So when you feel overwhelmed by something, take a deep breath and think about if it’s really a problem or if it’s just in your head. If it’s a problem, break it down into smaller parts. You can deal with some parts now and some another time.
3. Don’t add more stimulation
When highly sensitive kids feel overwhelmed, they usually need a quiet place to calm down. If their room is sensory-friendly, that’s perfect. If not, find a quiet spot away from distractions. Instead of asking them open-ended questions like “What’s wrong?”, try more supportive ones like “Do you want a hug?” or “Can I sit here with you?”.
Open-ended questions can be overwhelming, so it’s better to focus on connection and to use short “yes/no” questions.
Don’t try to control the situation; let it happen. This will help you stay calm and take the pressure off your child. Be kind and let them know you love them and want to be there for them.
4. Connect the way your child wants and needs
Try to offer support throughout the meltdown the way your child wants and needs: some kids want hugs and kisses to co-regulate, while others want space.
If your child tells you to go away during the meltdown: Sensitive kids internalize often and may avoid talking about their feelings because they are so big and overwhelming. Showing empathy (“How are you feeling, buddy? You seem upset.”) doesn’t always work with these kids. How can you get through to them?
If this is your child, try this: share a personal story that resonates with their current experience (“I remember when I was [child’s age], this thing happened to me….”). Tell them how you coped with that challenge and how it helped you grow. Let your child lead the conversation and avoid making any reference to their experience unless they want to open up.
A quick tip: Do something relaxing together, and then start the conversation. You might try drawing, baking, working on a puzzle, or taking a walk.
5. Give yourself space to express your feelings, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by parenting a sensitive kid
Having to deal with our child’s big feelings and remain calm is hard. Remember that writing, drawing, and painting are powerful ways to cope with stress. Once your feelings are on paper, they don’t seem so overwhelming, like when they were just random thoughts in your mind. Moreover, reviewing your old journal entries or drawings is a great way to reflect on how much you’ve accomplished along the way.
There are many ways in which we can express our feelings, besides writing and journaling: some people like sports, spending time outdoors, playing with a pet, doing yoga, playing video games, or doing volunteer work. We are unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all calming strategy for an overwhelmed parent. Just remember to take it slow and find ways to release tension in a healthy way. You’ve got this!
