Picture this: Your child comes home from school and says, “No one played with me today.” As you dig deeper, you discover that they played alone only for the first part of recess. They had a wonderful time with their friends afterward.
Deeply feeling children often react like this. Their emotions run deep and they can get fixated on them. In this example, the child felt alone and isolated, and these feelings lingered in their mind. When they arrived home, blurting out those words was their way of reaching out for help in processing their feelings.
Unfortunately, these big feelings can make sensitive kids struggle with friendships.
Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.
Why do deeply feeling children have a hard time making friends?
Here are some common problems deeply feeling children may face when dealing with friends:
1. Deeply feeling children are emotionally intense
Sensitive children go from 0 to 60 in a second. And this doesn’t happen just when they are angry. It can happen when they feel joyful, sad, worried, or disappointed.
These powerful emotional situations imprint on our brains. Think of this as a defense or survival mechanism.
The fact that a child get easily overwhelmed by their emotions, can make them avoid situations or friends that hurt them in the past.
In addition, intense emotions can make them resistant to change. Just the thought of having to get used to a new environment and to new people can make a deeply feeling child feel wary about changing schools and making new friends.
Lastly, remember that strong emotions can make even the best of us make poor behavioral choices. This happens often to deeply feeling children. Unfortunately, some of their reactions can make their peers act mean or keep their distance. For example, a child who cries easily may get reactions like “We don’t want to play with you because you cry whenever you don’t have your way.”
2. Deeply feeling children struggle with conflicts and compromise and have a more inflexible thinking
Solving conflicts and making compromises is difficult. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had wars, right?
A deeply feeling, emotionally immature child, can have an even harder time than peers when navigating conflicts. There are a number of reasons:
- Emotional intensity
- Low frustration tolerance
- Difficulty speaking up for themselves
- Fear of criticism and rejection
- Not wanting to hurt others because they know how much they hurt when a friend acts mean.
3. Introverted and sensitive kids may struggle asserting themselves when out in the world
Deeply feeling children often have trouble saying “no” to things they don’t want to do or standing up for themselves when they are treated unfairly by friends (that may not be the case at home, though). They may also find it hard to express their opinions when they are different from those of the group or when setting boundaries.
This attitude has several reasons: fear of criticism, avoiding conflicts, or hurting other people’s feelings.
4. Deeply feeling children may prefer independent play
Deeply feeling children might find it hard to fit in with the typical way kids play and have fun. On the one hand, sensitive introverts might prefer quieter and independent activities and not enjoy the loud and competitive games that other kids like. This can make them feel like they don’t belong.
On the other hand, extroverted and sensitive kids tend to be demanding and easily frustrated when things don’t go as they expected. This is due to their more inflexible thinking. As a consequence, these kids may end up playing independently because they get into conflict often with other kids. For example, a child might want to play a certain game with other kids, but they want to make the rules alone, without others making suggestions. Then, when other kids don’t follow the rules to a t, a sensitive and extroverted kid might burst out in frustration.
5. Deeply feeling children are often afraid of being judged
Deep-feeling kids often have self-esteem issues. As a result, they may worry about being judged or misunderstood by other kids. They might feel like they’re different and that their friends won’t like them if they show their true selves. This can make them feel nervous about socializing and making new friends, especially if they are introverts.
6. Kids have trouble seeing things from other people’s points of view
Children under seven or eight generally are more egocentric, which means they may struggle seeing a friend’s perspective. In addition, when our emotions are running high, most of us can’t see someone else’s opinion as valid. This can lead to misunderstandings, unfortunately, and can happen often to deep feelers.
For example, a child may think a friend doesn’t like them when, in fact, their friend didn’t want to do what they were doing. On the one hand, they may be too emotionally immature to think of all the possibilities why their friend doesn’t want to play together. On the other hand, deep feelers can also feel hugely disappointed by their friend’s words. This kind of situation can make a deep feeling child feel sad all day, while a child who is not highly sensitive will bounce back right away.
How To Help Deeply Feeling Children With Friendships
Despite these challenges, deeply feeling children have much to offer in friendships. They are often empathetic, kind, and insightful. Here are some tips for helping sensitive children build friendships:
1. Be supportive
It can feel hard to see your child hanging onto you, saying, “Let’s play together! I don’t want to play with other kids,” when other children don’t seem to have a problem joining into play. Many of us blurted out impatiently, “Why don’t you just go play?” and immediately regretted it when we saw the sadness on our child’s face.
The truth is that pushing a deeply feeling child to behave a certain way doesn’t work. It results in meltdowns and other tricky behaviors.
You can provide support by simply showing empathy when they have a hard time with friends (“I see that greeting kids that you don’t know can be scary.”) and encourage them to take some risks (“But what if they like the same games as you and you can have a wonderful time playing tag? Who doesn’t like tag?”).
2. Find group activities that deeply feeling children enjoy
Ask your child what clubs or team sports they’d like to join. If they say “no” to every suggestion you make, ask them if they’d consider attending classes if they go with a friend. If they say yes, consider taking them to a class their friend is also taking or organizing playdates with kids already in a class your child would like to attend.
If organizing playdates takes you out of your comfort zone, remember that your child will also be out of their comfort zone.
Remember to start small. It’s essential to take small steps and increase exposure gradually. So, signing your child up for several after-school activities at once or organizing playdates too often can overwhelm them. And once the stress response is activated, you’ll notice more tricky behaviors, like outbursts, low frustration, defiance, or even increased sensory sensitivity).
3. Don’t let them avoid social interaction
It’s okay for kids to feel nervous when meeting new people. But, avoiding things that make deeply feeling children feel anxious will only make their anxiety worse in the long run. It’s like hiding from a scary monster: the more you avoid it, the bigger and scarier it seems.
Instead of letting their shyness keep a sensitive child from doing things, try to find ways to face their fears gradually. Even small steps can help them build confidence and overcome anxiety.
4. Teach them conflict resolution
Let’s face it, conflict is inevitable: from toy squabbles to friend drama, conflict can leave kids (and adults) feeling frustrated and upset. That’s why teaching kids effective conflict resolution skills is essential.
And guess what? Teaching conflict resolution doesn’t have to be boring. In fact, it can be quite enjoyable!
Here is our Patch It Up! Poster with nine conflict resolution tools for kids. Download the Patch It Up! Poster for FREE. You can print it out and hang it in your calm down corner or homeschooling corner.
5. Teach deeply feeling children to speak up
Children who feel things deeply sometimes struggle to assert themselves. They might not want to cause others pain, or they might fear judgment. Others might simply freeze up and remain silent, due to the delicate wiring of their nervous systems.
Whatever the cause, teaching them to express themselves confidently can be immensely beneficial. One way to do so is to have them practice speaking scripts at home (practicing in front of a mirror or role-playing can both be effective).
6. Help your deeply feeling child develop stress coping skills
Deeply feeling children may feel overwhelmed in social situations or when interacting with new people. Help them develop coping strategies, such as:
- The power of “yet”: replace “I don’t know how to do this” with “I don’t know how to do this YET.”
- Have a short quiet break and take three deep breaths
- Sensory activities: squeezing a stress ball, noise-canceling headphones, 1-2-3 senses check-in.
7. Foster self-esteem
Developing a positive self-image is essential, and you can do that by identifying your child’s strengths and providing opportunities to try new things. Here are a couple of ways to help your child identify their strengths:
- Notice their talents. Think about everything they’re good at – running fast, drawing beautiful pictures, or being a great listener. When you notice your child doing something well, give specific praise (say, “You run so fast” instead of, “Great job”)
- Keep a record of their accomplishments. At the end of each week, have your child make a list of three things they learned, one thing they’re proud of, one thing they got better at, and one small goal they want to achieve the following week. This will help kids see how much you’re growing and improving!
Another way to boost self-esteem and reduce anxiety is to encourage your child to stretch out of their comfort zone and try new activities. Here are some suggestions:
- Sleepover at a friend, cousin, or neighbor you and your child trust and know well.
- Make new friends during recess, at the park, at parties, etc.
- Set a small goal each week (for example talking to a classmate they don’t usually speak to, or standing up for themselves).
When To Worry: Social Anxiety and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
1. Social Anxiety
Many sensitive kids are naturally shy and slow to warm up. But when extreme shyness interferes with daily life, this can be a sign of social anxiety.
Kids with social anxiety worry about what will happen in social situations. They’re often scared of what others will think of them. They might also fear being embarrassed, being separated from their parents or carers, or getting in trouble. The signs of social anxiety can be easy to miss: children who have social anxiety are often quiet and obedient.
2. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (common in ADHD)
Have you ever felt your child drifts away from friendship over minor misunderstandings? Or maybe they often feel hurt by what seems like a minor offense or a joke that landed poorly. Or perhaps they struggle with opening up to others due to fear of rejection.
If you believe that this is your child, you may want to learn more about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). RSD is common in neurodivergent children. Since some highly sensitive kids have ADHD or autism, you may want to know more about RSD. RSD is characterized by:
- emotional intensity, resulting in disproportionate reactions, meltdowns, or large bouts of sadness
- rapid mood swings triggered by perceived criticism or rejection, or when adults try to set boundaries
- physical signs (rapid heartbeat, unexplained stomach aches)
- poor self-esteem because feeling rejected makes people feel inadequate
- over-analyzing social cues and misinterpreting minor gestures as indicators of rejection
- avoiding social interaction due to fear of being judged
- can’t receive negative feedback.
RSD can make it hard for a child to feel good about themselves and make friends. They might avoid social situations altogether because they’re afraid of being hurt.
The good news is that there are things you can do to help kids with anxiety or RSD cope with feelings of rejection. They can learn to identify their intrusive thoughts and other triggers and develop coping skills. And most importantly, they can learn to be kind to themselves. It’s important to remember that their sensitivity is not a weakness. It’s just a different way of experiencing the world.
