Have you ever been in this situation? It’s so frustrating and happens so often in our home that I needed to share it.
Imagine you’re on social media and you’ve just read an excellent parenting script on encouraging your child to join others in play. You excitedly await the best moment to use the script on your child. And your child flat-out refuses.
You try another one and another one. Some of the scripts work, but just a couple of times until the effect wears off.
Why? The content is easy to grasp and science-approved, and your parenting expert has a million followers. How do these tips work on at least one million kids but not on yours?
Better said, what makes a kid willing to step outside of their comfort zone? How do you make a child willing to feel uncomfortable in order to grow? Particularly a deeply feeling child who goes so quickly into fight or flight?
The answer is simple: it all comes down to intrinsic motivation. How do we build that?
Before we dig deeper, please know that the answer isn’t short. And if you don’t have time now to read the article, you can save it and read it when you have time to spare: Send Me the Article in PDF (+ FREE Bonus).
Practice who you want to be every single day.
Michelle Obama
How To Help Your Deeply Feeling Child Find The Motivation To Overcome Any Challenge
Highly sensitive, deep feeling children have a more sensitive nervous system. They fight, flee, freeze, or fawn more quickly than others. That makes it tricky to make them take risks. If you don’t push them hard enough, they’re unlikely to step out of their comfort zone, but if you push too hard, they’ll likely feel overwhelmed.
The key is to find that sweet spot between comfort and stress, the “stretch zone” or the “learning zone.”
1. Make Challenges Manageable
People like challenges that they feel they can succeed at. The goal doesn’t necessarily have to be certain, but it needs to be achievable. Conversely, complex tasks often discourage us.
This is even more true for a deeply feeling child. We know that they are perfectionistic and don’t handle the fear of failure well. That’s why complex tasks or challenges that make them step outside of their comfort zone can feel intimidating. You might see your child go into stress mode just from hearing about what they need to do.
How can you motivate your sensitively wired, cautious child to take risks?
Celebrate Small Steps
Try to make sure that they have small wins and celebrate them. Celebrating small successes helps release dopamine in the body, which is the reward chemical in our brain. Dopamine reinforces the behavior that led to the win and motivates us to keep going.
How do you apply the small wins concept to a difficult task? One way to ensure small wins is to break down a complex task into smaller steps. Smaller steps mean more opportunities for small wins.
Returning to the example of the child not having the courage to join others in play, you can create a plan with your child similar to the one below:
- Play pretend. Pretend with your child that they are joining other children in play. Ask them what they would say and do.
- Practice in front of a mirror. Have your child smile and say, “Hi, can I play with you?” in front of a mirror. This will help them to practice their social skills and gain confidence.
- Start with close friends. Encourage your child to join their close friends in play. This will be a less intimidating environment for them to start in.
- Join others together with a friend. Have your child join other children in play with a more confident friend. This can help them to feel more comfortable and supported.
- Take it slow and steady. Don’t pressure your child to do anything they are not ready for. Let them take their time and work at their own pace.
Also, take a look at the example below, which is about a highly sensitive child who didn’t like to greet people, including his classmates. This mother broke down the task into more attainable steps:
Peer Power
Have you ever been afraid to do something, only to see a friend do it and say, “Hey, if my friend did it, I can too”? For example, exercising to lose weight, trying a new recipe, or maybe even starting a new business.
New or challenging tasks seem more doable when we see someone we know succeed at them. The power of peers is real. We watch and compare ourselves to others, which can motivate and challenge us. This applies to children as well.
Whenever your child is afraid to step outside of their comfort zone, try to find out how their friends have done it. For example, if your child doesn’t want to sleep alone in their room, suggest asking their friends, “Do you have your own room? Do you like having your own room?”
Or, returning to our first example, if your child doesn’t dare to join others in play, have them do it with a more confident friend. Deeply feeling children are highly perceptive and self-aware, so they’ll surely notice how their friend copes with challenges.
Provide An Anchor
When your child is learning something new, it can be helpful to build anchors, which are opportunities to use skills they already have. Anchors can help them feel more confident as they enter new territory.
Returning to the example of the child who doesn’t dare to join other children to play, here’s how to apply the anchor concept:
- Anchor: Your child loves to draw.
- Opportunity: You see a group of children drawing pictures on the sidewalk at the park.
- Encouragement: You approach the group of children and encourage your child to ask if they can join them (“I see that you’re watching the other children play. Would you like to join them? I’ll be here watching over you if you need me.”) You can stay with your child for a while to help them get started, and then you let them play on their own. Even if it doesn’t work as well as you expected, encourage even small wins (“I’m so proud of you for trying! Even if you don’t want to stay, I’m glad you gave it a try.”)
2. The Magic Of Self-Driven Time
When was the last time you did something for the pure enjoyment of it? Taken a long, scented bath? Planting flowers in your garden? Reading a book? These activities don’t come with a prize, and they don’t produce anything. But they make us happy. The reward of self-driven time is the positive emotion it creates.
Self-driven time is when we do something out of pure inner motivation. It is crucial for a deeply feeling child, who often needs more time and space to process their emotions and experiences.
Let Your Deeply Feeling Child Pick Challenges
Allowing your child to choose their own out-of-comfort zone activities can help them develop intrinsic motivation.
Work with your child to create a list of new activities they want to try. These can be small or big challenges, such as tasting a new food, taking up an after-school activity, or even saying hello to a neighbor. You can also include activities that they can do alone or with friends.
Once you have a list, turn it into an action calendar by scheduling specific times and days for your child to try each activity. After each activity, have your child reflect on how they felt, whether they would do it again, and what they would like to change next time.
Take Risks During Self-Driven Time
Think about what your child enjoys doing just for fun. For example, if your child loves water but is afraid to learn how to swim, take them to the pool and show them how to do it in a playful way. Focus on enjoying your time together and the learning process, rather than the result. Remember, it has to be child-directed.
Be A Role Model For Your Deeply Feeling Child
Children learn by watching the adults in their lives. When you show your child that you love trying new hobbies, you teach them that it is important to step outside their comfort zone and try new things. Talking out loud about your excitement and worries can help your child understand that it is okay to feel both excited and nervous about trying something new.
Another way to motivate your child to take more risks is talking about how heroes step out of the comfort zone and do great things. Discuss about their favorite cartoon hero or book character and how they overcome challenges.
3. Volunteering Can Help A Deeply Feeling Child Be More Self-Confident
According to science, we find pleasure in activities that give us a sense of meaning. Volunteering is one such activity.
Volunteering is a great way to help highly sensitive children increase their motivation to step outside of their comfort zone. It’s also excellent for sensitive kids because it’s a way to learn new skills without the pressure to perform.
Volunteering can help children to:
- Connect with others. Highly sensitive children often crave deep and meaningful connections with others. Volunteering allows them to build relationships with others who share their values.
- Make a difference in the world. Highly sensitive children are often compassionate and empathetic. Volunteering allows them to use their gifts to impact the world around them positively.
- Feel good about themselves. Volunteering can help highly sensitive children feel more confident in their abilities and gain new skills without being in the flashlight.
When choosing a volunteer opportunity for a highly sensitive child, it is vital to consider their interests and the skills they need to work on. Finding an appropriate opportunity for their age and developmental level is also essential. Here are some volunteering ideas:
- Helping out at a local church or synagogue
- Helping out at a local animal shelter
- Helping out at a community garden
- Volunteering at a museum or art gallery
- Helping out at a local sports team or recreation center.
Here are some tips for encouraging a highly sensitive child to volunteer:
- Start small. Don’t expect your child to commit too much time or responsibility at first. Start with a small commitment, such as one hour per week.
- Be supportive. Let your child know you are proud of them for volunteering and are there to support them.
Volunteering has many benefits for deep-feeling children: it allows them to practice social skills, be in new situations, and learn new skills in a way that doesn’t attract too much attention to themselves.
4. What’s The Worst That Could Happen?
For your child to step outside their comfort zone, ask them, “What is the worst that could happen if you do this? Is it really that bad?”
It’s essential that the child doesn’t feel scared by the consequences and that we don’t shame them if they fail. Sensitive children need us to act like a mentor who encourages them to experiment and helps them when they make mistakes.
Here’s an example:
Mother: Hey, honey. I see that you’re watching the other children play. Would you like to join them?
Child: No.
Mother: Okay. That’s okay. But have you thought about what’s the worst that could happen if you did join them?
Child: I don’t know.
Mother: Well, maybe the worst thing that could happen is that you’re not sure how to play with them. But that’s okay! You can learn. Or, maybe the worst thing that could happen is that you don’t have fun. But even then, you can always try something else. And you can always come back to me if you need to.
Child: I guess.
Mother: Now, what’s the best thing that could happen if you did join them?
Child: I guess I could make new friends.
Mother: That’s right! You could make new friends, and have a lot of fun. So, why don’t you give it a try? I’ll be right here watching over you.
Child: Okay.
Mother: I’m so proud of you for trying!
Here are some tips for using the “What’s the worst that could happen?” technique:
- Be patient and understanding. Your child may take some time to step out of their comfort zone, so celebrate small steps.
- Be honest with your child. Don’t try to sugarcoat things or minimize their fears.
- Help your child to see the bright side of things. Even if the worst does happen, there is always something to learn from the experience.
5. Parent Your Deeply Feeling Child A Little Less
As a parent to a highly sensitive child, I’m often overprotective because I feel that my child’s sensitivity makes them more vulnerable. However, this attitude isn’t helpful at all. For instance, my “Here, let me help you” attitude most likely makes them believe that they aren’t capable enough. Their tendency toward perfectionism usually makes things worse (“I’ll let Mommy do it because she does it better.”)
Intensive parenting can kill a child’s intrinsic motivation to find solutions to their problems and to try new things. To be resilient.
If you are overprotective like me, this advice is for you: parent your child a little less.
Parenting our children less means giving them more control over their environments and letting them find out what they want. This doesn’t mean neglecting your child or neglecting your parenting responsibilities. Instead, it means that you should give your child more control over their lives.
Parenting a child less can make them more self-driven. When children are given more control over their lives and can make their own choices, they learn to be more independent. They also develop a sense of control over their environment, boosting their self-confidence and motivation.
A Take-Home Message
We can’t push our sensitive children out of their comfort zone because they will become stressed instantly. Instead, it’s best for them to push themselves, which requires intrinsic motivation.
In this post, we’ve listed five ways to help your child find their inner motivation to step outside of their comfort zone:
- Make the challenge seem manageable. Break down large tasks into smaller steps and set realistic goals.
- Step outside of the comfort zone while doing something the child enjoys. This will help them to feel more comfortable and motivated.
- Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way to learn new skills and make a difference without the pressure to perform.
- Think about the worst that could happen. This can help children to realize that the risks of stepping outside of their comfort zone are not as bad as they may seem.
- Encourage your child’s autonomy. Allow them to make their own choices and take responsibility for their own actions.
Every child is different, and some of these tips may not work for your child. That’s okay. The important thing to remember is that some discomfort is actually good. It helps us to grow and learn.
