If you have a sensitive but spirited child, you know they can be nothing but sensitive when they’re tired or have had a bad day.
Let me tell you a story about Becky, mom to a 4-year-old spirited girl and a 2-year-old boy.
This frequently happens in her house: her daughter comes home from preschool and needs a quiet break, which is impossible with a toddler.
So, her little brother attempts to engage his older sister in play. At first, she seems okay with it, but then she starts to be mean – she snatches his toys, pushes him, and makes fun of him. Becky tries to intervene, but her daughter ignores her. The four-year-old eventually hit the two-year-old, and boom.
Now the little girl is entirely dysregulated and unable to chill. So, she refuses to eat what her mother made for dinner, then fights bath time and resists going to bed. She’s whiney, angry, and yells at everybody.
Does that sound familiar?
If it does, you may have a sensitive but spirited child. These children are easily overstimulated but in a subtler way. As toddlers, they may have feared certain stimuli, like sudden noises and crowds. But now, as preschoolers or school-age kids, they understand that there’s no real danger. Still, their highly sensitive brain makes them spend energy faster than non-HSP brains. So, these children get stressed or tired more quickly than their peers.
When your child is like that, they’re nothing but sensitive – they are self-centered you doubt whether your child is highly sensitive. They can get angry, defiant, yell, and whine for no apparent reason.
On the other hand, they are deeply sensitive to rejection, harsh criticism, and strict parenting.
So, how do you discipline them without pushing them away?
Before you continue, we thought you might like our 11 Gratitude Prompts. Make these gratitude prompts a part of your bedtime routine or Friday family dinners.
What to avoid when you have a spirited child
Despite their behavior, spirited children are sensitive to criticism, so lecturing them about rules can easily backfire.
Punishing them for being insensitive to others’ needs will likely drive them further away.
Shaming might work temporarily, but it can have devastating effects on self-esteem.
Being in a rush and low on patience can worsen the behavior. That’s because sensitive and spirited children can feel as if their feelings are dismissed when you rush them.
The lack of time prevents them from processing the information at their own pace, so they get overwhelmed. As a result, because they feel unheard, they’ll use behavior, any type of behavior, to get your attention.
So how can you support a spirited child without pushing them away or crushing their spirit?
5 Strategies to Support a Spirited Child
1. A spirited child needs to feel seen
When your child has a tough time, it helps make them feel validated, first, and then to hold the boundary. We don’t want to create resistance to their resistance because that makes things worse. Instead, we want them to freely express their emotions without fear of judgment.
Getting caught up in the moment and starting a fight is easy. But try to reframe the situation and remember that you and your child are on the same side. You are a team working towards the same goal – emotional regulation.
So, instead of “No, you aren’t allowed to do that,” or “No, we don’t have time for that right now,” it helps to explain you are on the same team:
You: “Sweetheart, we’re a team. I know we can figure it out together.”
Child: “No, we aren’t on the same team.”
You: “How can we be on the same team? What do you need from me to help you feel better?”
Then, listen actively and with compassion as they tell you about their struggles.
Reassuring them you are on their side might not work the first time, but it helps calm your child enough to begin to regulate.
After actively listening to what they say, validate the feeling (“That sounds so frustrating!”).
When they have settled, brainstorm solutions together and provide logical explanations as neutrally as you possibly can (“Let’s see. How can you convince your brother to share his new toy with you? Do you have any ideas?”)
2. See your child as a whole human being
Many of us tend to focus on one trait our children possess, whether it’s good or bad – “she’s too sensitive”, “he’s into sports,” “he’s always so rude,” “she’s shy,” “he’s clingy,” or “she has sensory sensitivities and will never learn how to swim” or “she’s a little drama queen when she doesn’t get her way.”
Children measure their worth through our lenses. And our words become their inner voice. Even a positive trait (“he’s an athlete”) can be harmful because your child may think sports is the only thing they are good at, limiting them from exploring other options.
So, let us not define children by a single behavior, hobby, like or dislike. Instead, let’s see them as human beings as a whole.
Children have bad and good moments. For many different reasons, they can be self-centered and compassionate, depending on whether they’ve had a good or a bad day if they like the other person.
Likewise, as parents, we tend to have a go-to reaction when triggered. For instance, some parents are yellers. But what good does it do to be seen as the “yeller” in the house? Negative labels feed guilt instead of improving behavior.
Normalizing children’s strengths and limitations can also help reduce our parental worries (“How is my child going to turn up if they’re always behaving like that?”, “He’s so sensitive. How will he handle stress as an adult if he cannot build resilience?”). Accepting our children as perfectly imperfect can also help us reduce our urge to swoop in to fix their problems.
More importantly, accepting them as a whole can help us build a good relationship with our children. A solid relationship is key to disciplining sensitive children without pushing them away.
3. Add humor to diffuse tension
Using humor to diffuse the situation is also great if you are in the mood. It helps us see the problem from a lighter perspective. That is extremely helpful for sensitive children because they tend to overthink due to their ability to process information deeply.
Here are some examples:
“You’re the worst mom ever!”
“Oh, really? Does that mean I don’t have to make you broccoli for dinner tonight? Phew, what a relief! But seriously, it’s okay to feel upset, but let’s find a nicer way to express ourselves, like saying, ‘Mom, I’m not happy right now.'”
“You’re so mean!”
“Oh, I know, I won the ‘Meanest Mom in the Universe’ award! It’s quite an honor. But seriously, I love you too much to be mean. But, sometimes, I have to set limits because I care about your well-being. So let’s find a way to work together, okay?”
Remember to make fun of the situation, not laugh at your child’s fears or behaviors. Nobody likes that, especially sensitive kids. Moreover, irony and sarcasm are concepts that little ones start to grasp from age seven onwards, and even then, they can backfire.
3. Spend quality time together
Sensitive spirited get dysregulated when they feel disconnected from you. They can get angry, defiant, and rude when they feel unsafe.
But when their bucket is full, they are more likely to follow your advice. Remember that highly sensitive children like to follow the rules and are conscientious, but emotional and sensory overstimulation gets in the way.
So, whenever your child is in a bad attitude cycle, spend more one-on-one time doing other activities they choose. Also, unstructured play and play in nature are great for managing overstimulation.
Playing baby is another great bonding activity, especially if your spirited child is your eldest or you have a new baby. For instance, you might pretend to rock or sing to them to sleep. After you’ve finished rocking and singing, you can act like you want to put them in bed, but you two are stuck with glue. Now you are stuck together! Oh, no! What are you going to do?
4. Empower your spirited child with choices
Giving your child some autonomy can prevent defiance and other tricky behaviors.
For example, you can encourage them to choose what clothes to wear, what to have for breakfast, or what book to read before bed. Have clear, consistent rules and discuss what is non-negotiable to ensure your child makes appropriate choices.
Also, choose your battles wisely. For example, does your child want to wear a T-shirt outside in winter? It might be because of sensory issues; they’ll probably get their jacket when they step out.
Choices also work when you feel the need to impose consequences. For instance, instead of “If you don’t clean up the toys, I am taking them away for one week,” you might say, “If you choose not to clean up the toys, then you also choose not to play with them for one week.”
5. Make a family kindness list
Sensitive children with strong personalities can be surprisingly self-centered when overwhelmed. Unfortunately, many parents become their child’s emotional punching bags.
Highly sensitive parents can feel sad when their child says hurtful words despite their best efforts to support the child. Other parents, who may not be HSPs, may get angry and impose consequences.
Whatever your parenting style, children, like all people, tend to show their good side when we choose to see the good side of their personality. For this to work, we must be intentional about it and suppress the urge to escalate.
One way to focus on the bright side is to make a family kindness list.
Ask your family to write down things they like or appreciate about each other and something they can do to show kindness to each other. Younger children can draw, or you could help them write. Alternatively, you can create a family gratitude jar where everyone writes something they are grateful for and reads it aloud at the end of the week.
Here are some acts of kindness:
- Help with chores
- Draw or write someone a thank you card
- Give someone a flower
- Make a small gift
- Share or lend toys
- Help a younger sibling get dressed
- Make someone else’s bed
- Help set the table
- Say “thank you” more often
- Say “I love you” more often
- Give a hug when someone’s upset.
These are five ways to raise a sensitive and spirited child without crushing their determination. But, of course, there are many other ways to discipline them while also keeping the connection. Each child has a unique nervous system and unique needs.
