Do you have a deeply feeling child who struggles with friendships?
Imagine your kid gets invited to a birthday party. When you get there, your child realizes they only know a few kids: they don’t even like some of them, and the ones they do like are already playing fun games, and your child doesn’t want to interrupt them. The host then begins to push your child to “just go play” as soon as you arrive.
That may not bother your child if they are a sensitive extrovert, but they’re likely to freeze or at least get annoyed if they need time to warm up to the party. Also, all the pushing may put your kid in a bad mood.
Now, consider that a child also lacks an adult’s social savviness. So how would they respond to the pressure to interact with others? They may say they want to go back home, throw tantrums, yell, or even freeze and keep their big feelings to themselves. Does this sound familiar?
Deeply feeling children enjoy playing and making friends but hesitate about entering a new social situation with unfamiliar people. They often need some time to assess the situation before they feel comfortable joining in, and they may find it challenging to keep up with the fast-paced play of their peers. In addition, they are more cautious by nature, so they typically prefer one-on-one play to group interactions.
Why A Deeply Feeling Child Has a Hard Time Making Friends
Here are the main reasons why a deeply feeling child has a tough time making friends:
1. Overstimulation
A deeply feeling child may be more easily overwhelmed by sensory input, such as loud noises or bright lights. So, an overstimulating environment can make it difficult for them to concentrate and talk with new people.
2. Fear of rejection
A deeply feeling child may be more attuned to social cues and fear rejection or judgment from others. This fear can make it hard for them to initiate conversations or share their thoughts and feelings with new people.
3. Difficulty with small talk
A deeply feeling child may prefer deep, meaningful conversations over small talk. But unfortunately, that can make it challenging for them to engage in typical social interactions, such as introductions or casual conversations with friends.
4. Sensitivity to social cues
A deeply feeling child may be more attuned to nonverbal body language. That can make them more sensitive to subtle social cues, which can be overwhelming or confusing in new social situations.
5. Lack of familiarity
A sensitive child may prefer routine and familiar environments. So, being in a new social situation can be anxiety-provoking, making it difficult for them to engage in conversation.
Now that we have discussed why a deeply feeling child has difficulty making friends let’s explore how you can help.
How to Encourage a Deeply Feeling Child to Make Friends
1. Manage your mindset
It can feel annoying, sad, or worrisome to see your child hanging onto you, complaining, or telling you, “Let’s play together! I don’t want to play with other kids,” when the other children don’t seem to have a problem joining into play.
I’ve been there. “Why don’t you just go play?” came out of my mouth more than once, and I immediately regretted it when I saw the sadness on my child’s face.
Still, pushing a deeply feeling child doesn’t work.
Acceptance and patience are critical.
It’s easier said than done, but this is how it works.
A deeply feeling child needs more emotional support and patience than other kids. Because they will have higher emotional needs throughout life, they may often struggle with healthy boundaries and other people’s reactions. So, making them feel accepted and loved for who they are will increase their resilience.
2. Normalize your deeply feeling child’s sensitive trait
Try to help your child understand that their sensitivity is a strength, not a weakness. Show them often that you accept them as they are and that sensitivity is not a flaw.
One way to normalize sensitivity is to talk about famous people who are highly sensitive, such as musicians or artists, and how their sensitivity has helped them succeed. Here are examples of famous sensitive people:
- Albert Einstein – Physicist
- Princess Diana – Humanitarian and philanthropist
- Emma Watson – Actress and activist
- Jane Goodall – Primatologist and anthropologist
- Jim Carrey – Actor and comedian
- J.K. Rowling – Author of the Harry Potter book series.
You can even read together children’s books about some famous people considered to be deeply sensitive (Albert Einstein and Jane Goodall).
Another way to normalize sensitivity is to talk about their big feelings in a neutral, non-judgmental way:
- “I can see that you’re feeling frustrated right now. Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?”
- “It looks like you’re feeling sad. It’s okay to feel sad sometimes.”
- “You seem really anxious. Can you tell me what’s going on so we can work through it together?”
- “I can sense that you’re angry about something. Let’s take a moment to cool down and then talk about what’s making you feel this way.”
- “It seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed right now. So let’s take a break and talk about this when you’re feeling calmer.”
Moreover, show empathy when they have a hard time interacting (“I see that greeting kids that you don’t know can be scary.”), then encourage them to take risks (“But what if they like the same games as you and you can have a wonderful time playing tag? Who doesn’t like tag?”).
3. Encourage social activities
Deeply feeling children may be more sensitive to social rejection or exclusion, but it’s still vital for them to have opportunities to develop social skills and make friends. So it’s best to encourage them to participate in after-school activities they enjoy, such as sports, clubs, or art classes. Additionally, parents widely recommend martial arts for boosting self-esteem.
The easiest way to convince your child to attend after-school activities is to go with a close friend. There are several options:
- Convince a friend to go to classes together
- Join a class their best friend is currently taking, or
- Make friends with kids in the after-school activities (by organizing one-on-one playdates).
Organizing playdates might take you out of your comfort zone. But remember that your child will be out of their comfort zone, too.
Consider having one-on-one playdates at your home. Try to learn from each playdate. What are your child’s triggers? What can you change next time?
Lastly, try to provide structure for your child to help them feel more comfortable in social situations. That means having a weekly visual schedule with your after-school activities and playdates. That way, your child will know what to expect and avoid meltdowns.
Related: How to Advocate for Your Highly Sensitive Child in School
4. Encourage quality over quantity
A deeply feeling child may have a smaller circle of friends than other children, but that’s okay! Help your little one focus on building meaningful friendships with people who appreciate them.
Remember, it’s okay if your child doesn’t hit it off with everyone they meet. They just need to find one or two people who share their interests and make them comfortable.
Related: How to Help Your Lonely Highly Sensitive Child Make Friends
5. Foster self-confidence and autonomy
Deeply feeling children may struggle with self-esteem, which can impact their autonomy and also, ability to form friendships. So, developing a positive self-image is essential, and you can do that by identifying your child’s strengths and providing opportunities to try new things.
Here are some suggestions for trying new things:
- Imagine, for instance, that you are at the mall with another family. Suggest to your child to invite the other child to buy ice cream together, without the parents.
- Sleepover at a friend, cousin, or neighbor you and your child trust and know well.
- Ask children (at recess, at the park, on the playground, neighbors) if they want to play together.
- Set a small goal each week (for instance, talking to a classmate to whom they have never spoken or doing one thing that makes them nervous).
Here are a couple of ways to help your child identify their strengths:
- Acknowledge their strengths often and offer specific praise (say, “You run so fast” or “You were so patient with your little brother” instead of, “Great job”)
- Journal accomplishments. Try to make a habit each weekend to talk to your child about three things they have learned during the week, one thing they are proud of, one that they got better at, and set together one small goal for the following week.
Also, remind your child of their strengths when they need to do something challenging (“Remember how you learned that entire story by heart because I had read it to you so many times? You have an excellent memory. I’m sure you can remember what to say when you greet the kids at the birthday party.”)
It’s essential to take small steps and increase exposure gradually. So, signing your child up for several after-school activities at once or organizing playdates too often can overwhelm them. And once the stress response is activated, you’ll notice problematic behavior more often (more meltdowns, defiance, increased sensory sensitivities).
6. Practice social scripts
For some sensitive kids, practicing social scripts or role-playing different social situations can be helpful. That can help them feel more prepared and confident in social situations. Additionally, role play can give you insight with what they struggle specifically (Is it that don’t know what to talk about with other kids? Are they afraid the other kids will say “no” when your kid asks them to be friends?)
Here are some ideas about what to say to your child when they meet new kids. Remember that deeply feeling children aren’t good at small talk, so consider giving them ideas about what to discuss:
- “Making friends can be scary, but remember that everyone feels a little nervous when meeting new people. So why don’t we practice introducing ourselves and discussing our favorite things?”
- “Sometimes it helps to start small, like saying hello or smiling at someone you see often. Then you can gradually start to talk more and get to know the kids better.”
- “Hi, my name is…What video games do you like? What are your top three favorite TV shows?
- “Hi, my name is …Do you like my superheroes?” (Have your child carry their favorite figurines or other small toys they are willing to share. The other kids will get curious and start talking to your child.)
Maybe your child won’t talk the first time they meet someone, and that’s okay. Smiling, waving, and making eye contact are also great.
Also, consider role-playing at home. Play games together and model what to say when:
- introducing yourself or greeting someone
- sharing and taking turns (“We can share different toys. You can play with this toy while I play with that toy.”, “Sharing is an important part of being a good friend. If we share our toys and games, we can have even more fun together.”)
- losing gracefully (“Congratulations on your win. You played very well, and I’m happy for you”, “Good job! You played really well. I enjoyed playing with you.”)
- offering kind words to a friend (“You seem upset. Is everything okay? How can I help?”)
Besides role-playing, board games, collaborative games, and card games are great for teaching social skills.
7. Support healthy boundaries
Deeply feeling kids may be more sensitive to others’ emotions, making asserting emotional boundaries difficult. Try to help your child understand the importance of healthy boundaries and give them tools to communicate their needs assertively and respectfully.
Here are some helpful scripts that you can practice at home:
- When a child invades their personal space: “It’s okay to tell your friend that you need space right now. You can say, ‘I need some space. Please step back.'”
- When someone wants to play with their toys: “It’s okay to politely say “no” if you don’t want to share your toys. You can say, ‘I’m not ready to share my toy right now, but we can play with something else together.'”
- When someone asks them to do something your child doesn’t want to do: “I don’t want to do that, but maybe we can do something else together.'”
- When someone is teasing or bullying them: “You have the right to tell someone to stop if they’re teasing or bullying you. You can say, ‘That’s not okay. Please stop.'”
- When someone pressures your child to do something your child doesn’t want to do: “I don’t want to do that, and I’m going to walk away now.”
8. Foster a sense of belonging
A deeply feeling child may feel like they don’t fit in with their peers. Help your kid find communities or groups to connect with like-minded individuals, such as book clubs or art classes.
Likewise, volunteering as a family or with your child’s school can allow your kid to make new friends and feel a sense of belonging through giving back to others. Volunteering can also be an opportunity for you to model social behavior. Your child will surely notice how you make new friends, behave with unfamiliar people, etc.
9. Teach coping strategies
Deeply feeling children may feel overwhelmed in social situations or when interacting with new people. Help them develop coping strategies, such as:
- Deep breathing: Teach your child to take slow, deep breaths when they feel anxious.
- Positive self-talk: Encourage your child to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. For example, have them replace “I’m going to embarrass myself” with “I can handle this” or “I don’t know how to do this” with “I don’t know how to do this YET.”
- Sensory activities: Engage your child in activities stimulating their senses, such as squeezing a stress ball, smelling lavender oil, or using noise-canceling headphones.
Each deeply feeling child is unique and social behavior is extremely complex, which makes it impossible to give an all-encompassing list of strategies to make friends. These are but a few ideas to get you started.
There are always unexpected twists and triggers in social interactions, which we can’t see until they happen. That’s why we research and plan ahead; because we need to help our kids cope when those unforeseen changes happen.
