Does your child struggle with after-school meltdowns?
In this article:
Is your child the real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? A little angel at school and an emotional mess at home?
The good news is that your child doesn’t have split personalities.
They are experiencing after-school meltdowns. Specialists call it “after-school restraint collapse.”
And according to experts, it’s normal.
Think of it this way.
What if your child got lost at Target? When you eventually reunite, you hug, kiss and feel relieved. But then, that relief turns into anger (“How many times did I tell you to stand by my side?”) and frustration at your lack of control.
It’s the same for children after a day without their parents.
School can feel unsafe sometimes. Think of the confusing friendships, stern adults, bullies, and occasional fire drill routines.
Your child probably misses you when you aren’t there to intervene when a classmate makes a bad joke.
They would also like you to be there when they are unsure how to behave, so they act silly. But, then, the teacher draws their attention, and they must hide their embarrassment. All these challenges fill your sensitive child with helplessness and anxiety.
All in all, bottled-up emotions and effort to hold it together turn into anger and frustration when you two reunite after school.
What are after-school meltdowns?
School can be overstimulating for a highly sensitive child. There are lots of sensory stimuli and social-emotional learning. Kids with ASD, ADHD, SPD, anxiety, learning difficulties, and pathological demand avoidance have a tough time in school.
The signs of after-school meltdowns are:
- act younger than their age
- whining
- crying
- neediness
- rudeness
- hitting others
- throwing objects.
The good news is that after-school meltdowns ease during the school year as your child matures and adapts to the new routine.
They last up to the tween years but fortunately lessen gradually as kids develop more emotional resiliency.
Refusing interaction – also a sign of after-school exhaustion
The first words that pop into every parent’s mind when they see their child after school are, “How was your day, honey?”
If your child grumbles, “Go away! I want to be alone”, don’t lose heart.
Being pushed away can hurt if you have been missing them all day. However frustrating, your child shoving you away is another sign of after-school exhaustion. That behavior doesn’t have anything to do with their love for you.
The fact that your child directs their anger towards you is a sign that they feel safe enough to show you their big feelings.
So, instead of asking about their day, you could say,
- “I missed you today.”
- “It’s great to have you home.”
How can you help with after-school meltdowns?
1.Make sure your child gets enough sleep and eats healthy
Sleep and nutrition are essential. Without good sleep and healthy food, parenting tactics, worksheets, and fun activities won’t solve your problem.
According to research, a preschooler needs 10-13 hours of sleep, and a school-aged child (6-12 years) needs 9-12 hours, according to
Be sure to offer water and a healthy snack when your child comes home to eliminate the risk of having a meltdown because they are hangry.
Read more about food intake requirements here: 11 Tips to Help Your Fussy Eater HSC Eat Better.
2. Fill up their bucket in the morning
Yes, school mornings are hectic. But can you think of quick fun activities to introduce into your morning routine?
Here are our suggestions:
- Play the 3-3-3 game on the school drive. Say three things you can see, three things you can smell, and three things you can touch.
- Have a quick walk. Set the alarm clock 15 minutes early so that you have extra time.
- Repeat words of affirmation on your drive to school.
Be sure to give your child your undivided attention, whatever activity you choose. Also, don’t use the goodbyes to connect. Instead, it helps to make goodbyes short and connect before.
3. Let them have a tangible object to remind them of you
It can be a bracelet, a little note, a drawing in the lunch box, a picture of your family, a scarf with your perfume, a little rock you found on your last trip, or identical keychains.
4. Invite your child to let the big feelings out
Sometimes, no matter the games you play to connect, and the scripts you try, your child will melt down after school.
So, when nothing else works, invite them to let the feelings out. Pull the car over, clear the space in the living room, or stay with them in their quiet corner, and let your child know it’s okay to let their intense emotions out.
- “It seems you had a difficult day. I get that. And now, it’s time to let those feelings out. Would you like to talk about it?”
- “I see that you are angry about something, honey. Do you need a hug or do you need to cry a bit? Everybody cries sometimes. It’s okay. I’m right here.”
Your meltdown invitation should have no shame, blame, or consequences.
Your child might refuse to talk. Instead, they might whine or cry. What matters is that now your child feels you are in charge and that you are not afraid of their feelings.
A kid on the verge of losing control feels relieved when an adult steps in as a calm leader.
Moreover, talking about the meltdown before it happens makes you more likely to get through to your child. That is because the logical thinking brain will disconnect when the outburst starts, and the amygdala will take over. If that happens, phrases like “just breathe” and “use your words” become useless.
5. Keep a simple after-school routine to reduce after-school meltdowns
Sensitive children get a lot of sensory and emotional stimulation at school. That’s why keeping a simple routine after school can help them relax.
There isn’t such a thing as the perfect routine because we are unique. What’s more important is to have a predictable schedule because sensitive children thrive on routine.
Here are some suggestions for after-school calm-down activities:
- Offer a snack (give choices) and let your child enjoy some down-time.
- Take them to the park for a walk. Being in nature is a great way to relax the body and mind.
- Do yoga poses for kids.
- Ride the bike together.
- Short meditation together with your child
- Heavy work activities
- Spend time in the sensory or calming corner (together with you, if they ask).
6. Talk about school when everyone’s calm
You might be eager to ask about their school day, but your child might not be in the mood. That’s okay; they probably must let the big feelings tumble out first.
Talking about the school day after the meltdown might be better when they come to you, seeking connection.
If not, a simple trick is to invite them to play a fun game, “Two truths and one lie.” First, each participant says two true statements about themselves and a believable lie. Then, the others have to guess which one is the lie.
7. Model stress tolerance skills to reduce after-school meltdowns
After-work meltdowns are real, too! The bad news is that your child will likely follow suit if you catch yourself grumpy after work. Kids always do what they see us doing, not what we tell them to do.
If you notice you’re about to snap, try these quick mental grounding techniques:
- Notice five things around you (things that you can see, smell, hear or touch)
- Find three blue objects in the room (you can choose any color you like)
- Pick one muscle and squeeze it tight, while counting to five. Release and notice how you feel.
- Repeat a short mantra several times (“I’m patient. I’m peaceful.’)
- Take a few deep breaths.
You could also say, “I’m so tired. I’ve had a hard day at work. So, I’m going for a short walk. Who’s coming with me?”
Parent Scripts to Ease After-School Meltdowns
Here are some scripts that can help you reassure your child:
- “It’s okay to feel angry. I’m here with you.”
- “It’s hard going to school sometimes. School was hard for me, too, sometimes.”
- “Hey, would you like us to do something fun? Maybe play a board game or go for a walk?”
- “We are tied through an invisible string. So even if you can’t see it, you can feel it.”
- “It’s normal to feel worried about school. You can feel worried and still have fun. I’m sure you can handle this.”
- “Things feel tough. But you’re a good kid and I know we can figure it out.”
