Does your child have low frustration tolerance? Do minor setbacks seem like huge obstacles? Do they give up quickly and sometimes don’t even attempt to try? Do they react with anger when having to share, wait their turn, lose a game, something doesn’t go as expected, or simply they don’t get their way?
If your child is two or three, these things might not worry you. But if they are in school, and you feel that they should be more independent by now, and more excited to leave your side and try new things, then this article may help you.
Before we continue, we thought you might like My Calming Tools Poster. This ready-to-print poster will help your child build coping skills for dealing with frustration, anger, anxiety and other big feelings. Check it out:
Seeing our children frustrated makes us want to scoop in and save the day.
“Here, do it like this.”
“Let me show you.”
“Here, let me help.“
It makes sense to want to help them. It’s our job as parents, right? Rescue them from frustration. Right? Well…it depends.
Children with low frustration tolerance want to have their needs met immediately. They are also likely to blame others when things don’t go as expected (“It’s your fault my glass broke!”). At the same time, they struggle with self-esteem.
Their overwhelming sense of helplessness may manifest as anger, crying, and aggressiveness. Children with a low frustration tolerance may avoid challenges to protect their self-esteem.
As parents, we must avoid punishing deeply feeling children as it can worsen conflicts. Preaching rules rarely helps when a child is upset. Invalidating statements like “You have no reason to be upset” or “Stop whining” only prolong meltdowns.
These behavior-focused strategies fail because if the child could stop overreacting, they would. However, they can’t, so we must delve deeper and understand their hidden needs and potential skill gaps.
What causes low frustration tolerance?
Each child has a different sensitivity threshold because they have a unique temperament. For instance, things that sparkle frustration in a sensitive child might be: transitions, unexpected changes, expecting a reward but not getting one, negative peer interactions, and making mistakes. What’s more, a deeply feeling child can go from 0 to 60 in a second when something doesn’t go as expected.
Family climate. Both overly permissive and strict parents can make a sensitive child less tolerant of frustration. For example, authoritarian parenting (“Because I say so!”) can be deeply frustrating for a kid who tries to live up to expectations but just can’t. On the other hand, permissive parents grant all requests and don’t promote delayed gratification, which is at the core of building tolerance to frustration. Overprotective parents also don’t allow kids the opportunity to experience negative emotions, thus preventing them from practicing their ability to wait patiently.
Lack of emotional self-awareness. Self-awareness is critical for children to work on to grow into emotionally healthy adults. Sensitive children need to know how to label their emotions early on because they usually have big feelings and can quickly get stuck in unhelpful thought patterns.
Here are three mistakes many good parents make that contribute to low frustration tolerance.
1. Over-functioning for your child can worsen low frustration tolerance
When you scoop in, you unwittingly convey that you don’t trust your child to accomplish a task.
Helping with things they can do alone can instill in them a fear of failure. However, experiencing failure is an unavoidable part of learning.
What you can do instead:
In real life, when you want something, you need to work for it. Instead of sheltering your child, you may want to encourage them to earn what they want because in real life if you want something, you need to work for it. This way, they’ll learn to focus on solutions and keep going.
Coach. While stepping in is no doubt easier, acting as a supportive coach will build your child’s self-confidence.
Stand back and wait. When our children are upset, our initial instinct might be to intervene and resolve the issue for them. It’s natural to want to protect them from struggles. However, mastering new skills often includes facing challenges, and a little struggle is a normal part of the learning journey. This discomfort, which encourages growth, is what we call positive stress.
Small daily challenges. Instead of over-functioning for kids, let’s give them small daily challenges, praise progress, and teach them to ask for help after they have given it a try.
Here are examples of small daily challenges:
- ask your child to wait for one minute until you can help (or more, depending on your child’s age)
- encourage your child to get dressed alone
- ask them to try to do something instead of asking for your help first
- if they have trouble with shyness, suggest they choose how to greet when entering the classroom (say “hi,” wave, or smile)
- offer them a savings box and let them handle their pocket money
- give them house chores (start with something easy and exciting for them to build confidence)
- play strategy games, like chess.
Delay gratification. There is never a good time to teach frustration tolerance to kids. We are always tired, or in a hurry, so we usually want to avoid frustration at all costs. However, in the long run, teaching your kid to delay gratification will make your life a lot easier.
What does delayed gratification sound like? Here are some examples:
- “Can you buy me this toy?”, “With your allowance.”
- “Can I watch TV now?”, “Yes, after you finish your chores.“, “You can watch an episode now and the second episode after you do your chores.”
- “Can we go to the park now?” “We can’t right now. I was hoping we could, but, then, Grandma came to visit, and now it’s time for bedtime. How about we do it tomorrow? Do you want to go to the park in the morning or the afternoon?”
2. Avoiding challenges and negative emotions can contribute to low frustration tolerance
A sensitive child can feel uncomfortable in new situations as they don’t know how to behave, and setting emotional boundaries makes them wary. As parents, we don’t want to see them frustrated, and sometimes we get caught in the avoidance trap, particularly if we also have difficulty setting boundaries. In the short run, everybody’s happy, but in the long run, avoidant behavior steals your child the opportunity to learn to cope with stress.
Encouraging your child to face some stress builds resilience. Look at the adults around you – those who cope best with life’s challenges had parents who supported them through difficulties rather than shielding them. It’s natural to find it tough when your child gets frustrated, but it’s an opportunity for both of you to practice handling distress. I’m not suggesting exposing them to overwhelming situations, but consider what true protection means. While it may seem helpful to step in when they face minor issues, in the long run, they may lack coping skills for common situations. Building their ability to handle discomfort will better prepare them for adulthood.
What you can do instead:
Adapt your family life to your child’s sensitivity but don’t overdo it. Go on road trips, family gatherings, and wherever you need to, without fearing your child’s big emotions and meltdowns. The best you can do for your child is to remain calm and supportive as they learn to navigate daily stress. Show them that their big emotions don’t scare you and that you are there for them, that all emotions are normal because emotions are our body’s way of communicating with us.
Create a list of triggers and work through them. Ask your child to name what upsets them, offer them the chance to vent, and work together to find solutions. If your child gets discouraged that the ideas don’t work, talk them patiently through their frustration and ask open-ended questions so that they feel validated and can come up with new solutions.
If your child struggles with frustration, anger, anxiety and other big feelings, The Anxiety Iceberg Poster can help you. It’s a great conversation starter and can help your child learn more about their triggers and how to manage them in a healthy way:
Sign them up for sports. Sports instill values that can be used outside the activity, like winning, losing, discipline and perseverance. In addition, sports like karate develop self-confidence. Better self-esteem makes frustration intolerance much easier.
3. Focusing on the negatives yourself can also be a factor
Children pick up a great deal from our actions. When we’re stressed and tired, we might dwell on the negatives. But if your child is emotional, they’ll soak up that negative energy, leading to more whining, a pessimistic outlook, and feeling stuck in challenging situations.
So, when you find yourself ruminating, remember that your child learns coping skills from you, so it’s essential to model positivity and resilience.
What you can do instead:
Here are our suggestions on how you can improve the mood in your home:
- Journal what pushes your buttons and practice deep breathing, meditation, or yoga
- Think of solutions to your problems instead of ruminating
- Recognize your toxic thinking patterns and practice emotional self-discipline
- Know your strengths and limits and ask for help when you need a break
- Say to your child, “I feel frustrated. I’m going to take a break,” instead of, “That’s it. I’m done. I can’t handle it anymore.”
If you’re prone to negative thinking and that impacts your parenting, have a look at our “Reframing Thoughts” Poster. It’s a great tool to develop a positive outlook and a strong mindset.
Many tools can improve your child’s frustration tolerance. I have just shared with you what worked best for us, but I’d be thrilled to hear your personal experience. So, please, leave a comment below and share your thoughts with me.
