Do you have a defiant child? Although it can be frustrating, rebellious children are not unusual. Even the most well-behaved child can pose difficulties at times.
Nothing could have prepared me for my daughter’s vengeful and angry behavior.
“You don’t know anything, Mom. Leave me alone. And I hate the red jacket!” screamed my five-year-old daughter while trying her best to hit me. I had just finished explaining why she couldn’t wrestle with her brother, only to turn around and find her knocking him down karate-style. My request for her to be more careful with her two-year-old brother set off her screaming outburst, which lasted for an excruciating half an hour.
These outbursts (screaming, hitting, throwing objects) are frequent in our house. First, she’ll try to hit and scratch me before leaving to stay alone in another room, where she’ll yell at us to go away.
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Like other parents of defiant children, I didn’t know what to do about it. It can be challenging to determine what’s making our children act out, how to stop the behavior and when to consult a specialist. Nothing prepared me for parenting a rebellious child, but as I discovered, there are options for families with defiant children.
My daughter had been a quiet baby. Then, when she turned three, and her brother was born, everything changed abruptly. She destroyed books and wrote on walls, occasionally grinning at me while she did so. And when I tried to stop her, she would melt down. She wouldn’t comply with my requests even if I could use rewards, make threats and take away privileges. Occasionally, she would comply, but it was so unpredictable.
In this article, you’ll learn:
- What causes a child to be defiant?
- 14 Ways to Discipline a Constantly Defiant Child Without Breaking Their Spirit
- 1. Show your child you are on their team
- 2. Get past the tantrum and solve the problem later
- 3. Respect your child's age, temperament, and sensory sensitivity
- 4. Reinforce positive behavior
- 5. Ignore your defiant child's antics
- 6. Apply the rule of three reminders
- 7. Distract and redirect your defiant child
- 8. Take a break if you are about to make things worse
- 9. Pick your battles
- 10. Set reasonable expectations for your defiant child
- 11. Enforce consequences consistently
- 12. Cooperate and give choices
- 13. Regularly talk with your defiant child
- 14. Get them to let their emotions out through play.
- Could it be oppositional defiance disorder (ODD)?
- A Take-Home Message: A Defiant Child Has a Lot to Offer
- References
What causes a child to be defiant?
Determining what causes defiance is crucial to deciding whether to see a specialist. If left untreated, childhood trauma, mood, and learning disorders will make the people in your child’s life label them as the “bad kid” when it’s not their fault. As a result, low self-esteem develops in your child, and you may feel helpless and give up trying.
Raising a defiant child is hard for the entire family. In addition, friends and relatives blame the behavior on a lack of proper parenting, adding to the pressure. While inconsistent discipline may be a factor, it is rarely the only one.
Development stage
As your child grows up, they begin to have a stronger sense of self and discover their separate identity. As a result, they are less reliant on you and can show signs of rebelliousness. Defiance is how young kids assert themselves. So, as difficult as it may be, know that it’s completely normal.
Noncompliance brought on by a fleeting urge to act independently is a regular part of growing up. Therefore, occasional outbursts and moderate physical aggression are natural, even if they are stressful for parents.
Even the most well-behaved children can be difficult sometimes. However, remember that kids up to five aren’t usually acting out intentionally. Instead, their willful conduct is a side effect of discovering how the world works and how their strong emotions fit into it.
Lagging self-regulation and verbal skills
Extra-sensitive children, in particular, have strong emotions and often lack the self-control (which improves at four-five years old) and speaking skills to express them in a socially acceptable manner. As a result, their frustration may look like defiance or out-of-control behavior when it isn’t.
Stress or significant transitions
When kids are going through tough times, like a divorce or starting school, they often act out out of anxiety and fear of losing control. But instead of taking responsibility for their outbursts, they might blame others. However, this defiance is often a sign of underlying stress. Before focusing on the behavior, it’s important to look for what’s causing the stress.
Things like sudden changes, strict rules, or even how we, as parents, talk and act can also cause emotional outbursts. Lack of sleep and too much screen time can also be culprits.
If you think your child’s defiance is actually a sign of hidden feelings that they don’t want to talk about, you may want to check The Anxiety Iceberg Poster. This poster is a great conversation starter and can help your child understand their feelings better. Check it out:
Adults’ attitude
Unfortunately, many parents feed defiance by applying too strict or inconsistent discipline. You might take defiance personally if you strongly react to your child’s misbehavior. However, defiant children are sensitive to adult hostility. Therefore, they will reciprocate your anger if they sense it
Related: The 8 Biggest Challenges Highly Sensitive Children Face and How To Overcome Them
Mood disorders
Defiance can also signal Attention Deficit Hyper-Active Disorder (ADHD). A lack of impulse control or attention can seem like defiance. The inability to follow instructions due to executive function problems can also make you believe your child is intentionally defiant when dealing with ADHD.
Worse cases of defiance can indicate Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). But it’s important, though, to distinguish between a child with ODD and a kid acting out because of a recent event (such as parents’ splitting or a sudden move). Defiance as a reaction to a stressful event lasts only for a short while, with consistent parental help.
Moreover, ODD and anxiety can co-occur sometimes. As a result, intense anxiety can be the basis of defiant behavior. Defiance can be a poor way of self-expression if your child feels anxious. When they are in an uncomfortable situation, kids become unruly as a way to express extreme emotions that they cannot articulate.
Also, defiance can be a way of seeking control when there is a lot of uncertainty. For example, if your child flat-out refuses to do anything at school or home, they may be trying to escape a stressful situation (for example, fear of being laughed at or criticized because of low self-esteem).
Related: 4 Little-Known Mistakes That Can Make Your Sensitive Child Anxious
Learning disorders
Chronic frustration brought on by learning disorders might escalate to defiance and aggression at school. Therefore, if your child is mainly defiant at school or when doing homework, they might have an undiagnosed learning disorder.
14 Ways to Discipline a Constantly Defiant Child Without Breaking Their Spirit
1. Show your child you are on their team
There’s usually a reason behind your child’s behavior. They might be seeking attention, testing boundaries, or struggling with school or friendships. Understanding their perspective is often the first step to finding a solution.
When your child defies you, try to see things from their point of view. For example, if they say “later” to lunch, try getting down to their level and acknowledging their desire to keep playing. Show them you understand while still setting limits.
It might feel uncomfortable to be too lenient, but anger rarely helps also. Instead, a collaborative approach works better in the long run.
2. Get past the tantrum and solve the problem later
Stop arguing and offer your preschooler a way to calm down if you notice them becoming agitated and about to have a tantrum. Your ability to maintain composure will help your child do the same. To calm them down, gently talk them through their frustration.
The aim is to get past the tantrum, meltdown, or argument rather than solve it.
Additionally, instead of putting your child in time out for acting up, take them to a calm area of the playground or their favorite bedroom nook. Stay composed and encouraging, close by, and accessible for comfort.
Related: 11 Surefire Parenting Tactics to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Thrive
3. Respect your child’s age, temperament, and sensory sensitivity
Acknowledge your child’s unique view of the world, particularly their understanding of time. Children vary widely in how and when they can grasp time.
Deeply feeling children usually struggle with transitions, so be empathetic when they see them having a hard time. Rather than expecting them to jump up from a game at the park to get in the car, give them a few minutes’ notice to help them switch gears.
Sensory sensitivities and the stage of development can also play a role in defiant behavior. For example, when you ask your preschooler to put their socks on, ensure they know how and don’t have sensory issues (some sensitive children don’t like the seams, for instance). Then, try to spend some time teaching new tasks and do them together until they get the hang of it.
Sometimes what appears to be defiance is:
- the inability to follow through on a difficult task,
- a task that has to be broken down into smaller steps, or
- has to do with physical discomfort.
Related: The Highly Sensitive Child Guide (2022)
4. Reinforce positive behavior
Rewards and consequences are not new, but they can be challenging to implement with defiant preschoolers.
Many parents are so preoccupied with challenging behaviors that they stop reinforcing good ones. Instead, always emphasize the positive and praise your kid when they adapt or collaborate.
Instead of paying attention to your preschooler solely when they’re struggling, try to catch them acting well, too.
Giving specific praise (“Thanks for putting your pants in the hamper!” or “It’s so nice when you share with your little brother!”) will help your child to do more of the same.
Remember to keep your praise as detailed as possible and emphasize the effort rather than the result. Instead of general praise (“Good!”), try to be more specific and include a nonverbal gesture like a hug or a kiss (“It was helpful the way you played so quietly while I changed your brother’s diaper!“). Then give your kid a high-five after that.
Related: Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child: Have You Ever Felt You’re Rewarding Bad Behavior?
5. Ignore your defiant child’s antics
Undesirable behavior (like using foul language) is a way of getting your attention.
When your child engages in less-than-desirable actions, you might be inclined to scold them. Instead, however, it would help if you restrain yourself.
It’s essential to make sure your remarks address the behavior and not your child as a person.
Avoid phrases like “You’re so clumsy!” and “You’re always getting into trouble.”
6. Apply the rule of three reminders
Give your child two minutes to do the task the first time you ask them. If they refuse, politely state, “I’m asking you to put on your shoes again.” I’ll turn the TV off if you don’t so you can focus on getting dressed for school. “The TV goes off if you have to ask three times.
How you frame your request also matters. So, “Don’t leave your books on the floor.” becomes “Please put your books on the shelf.”
7. Distract and redirect your defiant child
Avoid situations that might encourage defiance. For example, it’s challenging for young children to behave perfectly in a shopping center or be quiet while you sip coffee for an hour.
If you find yourself in a tricky situation, distract and redirect. For example, if you’re walking through the mall and see a toy store that usually sends your kid into a frenzy, try to divert them (“Hey, where do you want to have lunch? Would you like to eat at the restaurant over there?”)
8. Take a break if you are about to make things worse
It is best to take a little break if you are about to escalate a conflict with your child. It serves as an excellent example for your child, too. You’re not just calming yourself down during this time; you’re also showing your kid how to do the same. Just make sure that your kid is safe while you are in another room.
If your child decides to take a break from you to calm themselves, encourage that decision. Your child will have time to reflect on her behavior and any possible repercussions.
Related: 8 Secrets for Surviving When You’re a Highly Sensitive Parent
9. Pick your battles
Parenting is challenging even when everything is going smoothly, but it’s even more exhausting when one of your kids is intentionally misbehaving. So, make sure you use your energy smartly!
If your preschooler wants to wear a red dress and an orange striped shirt, that is fine. Do you really want to miss the birthday celebration because of her wardrobe choices? It’s acceptable to turn your head occasionally.
However, if she chooses not to participate in sports classes, it is a big problem. Keep your child’s energy and yours for major disagreements only.
10. Set reasonable expectations for your defiant child
List examples of unacceptable behaviors such as disrespecting others, skipping chores or homework, damaging property, or using physical force like punching or biting.
Take the time to debate the list and work together to establish rules, consequences, and limits. By cooperating, your child will feel more in control. In addition, giving your preschooler a say can boost their self-esteem.
Be sure to consider your child’s abilities, both strong and weak. By doing this, you can avoid getting frustrated and shaming your child when they use defiance to cope with anxiety or learning difficulties.
Then, put the list on the refrigerator where everyone can see it. In this way, behavior expectations are always evident in your home.
11. Enforce consequences consistently
Without a doubt, enforcing consequences takes time and effort. That’s why everyone struggles with consistent and positive discipline.
So, next to each unacceptable behavior, write the consequence, so everyone knows the expectations. Then, when things are going well, not after an incident, it is the moment to talk about limits and consequences.
Make sure the consequence is either natural or related to the mistake. For example, if your child steals money from your bag, they have to work (do extra chores) to pay back the money. Or if they hit a sibling, both kids will take a five-minute break away to calm down.
You will need to apply consequences consistently. Consistency is vital if you don’t want to reinforce bad habits. Don’t offer your child a second chance once they are old enough to comprehend that their actions have repercussions. They will learn that you don’t respect your own rules from this.
Do not offer rewards or privileges in exchange for better behavior. You are merely allowing your child to push you to your limit. The objective is to show your child that breaking the rules has consequences rather than to keep him from ever breaching the rules.
Also, be clear that these consequences don’t have anything to do with your love for your child. Use a firm but not a harsh tone of voice when speaking, and remind them of your love.
12. Cooperate and give choices
Giving your young child a chance to choose for themselves enables them to exercise their autonomy in a supervised setting. They’ll have to make more complex decisions as they grow. You may therefore support them today by offering them options.
For instance, let them choose between two shirts you’ve placed out rather than insisting they wear the clothing you’ve selected. Ask if they’d like peas or broccoli with dinner, and let them pick three or four stories for bedtime.
Telling your child what they can do and not what they cannot is another technique to make them feel more in control. So rather than saying, “Don’t play with your football in the dining room!” say, “Let’s go outside and play.” Or, if they want ice cream before lunch, tell them they can have one after they eat or offer a healthier snack.
13. Regularly talk with your defiant child
Sit down with your child when you have some downtime when things are going well and you don’t foresee a power struggle immediately. Instead, let them know that your goals are to keep them secure and guide them as they become responsible, happy adults. Remind her that your family’s rules and beliefs aren’t there to hurt her while she’s growing up but rather for the future.
14. Get them to let their emotions out through play.
The best way to get to the root of defiance and find out what your preschooler is feeling is to engage them in play:
- Drawing. For example, you can ask your child to associate important persons in their life (with whom they behave defiantly) with a feeling.
- Play pretend games with their favorite characters.
- Make stories. Ask your child to tell you a story. You’ll be amazed at how many of their daily struggles they include in the story.
- Kids yoga. Yoga is a fun and quick way to help your child self-regulate and start talking about big feelings. There are plenty of options on the internet, but, as we’re all about convenience, we’ve created the Kids Yoga Cards for you. It has a black and white version for coloring, and also a Yoga Poses poster. Check it out!
Could it be oppositional defiance disorder (ODD)?
There can be a broad range of defiance in children. Some strong-willed kids were just born that way. Others may react to a recent traumatic experience, while a smaller percentage are formally diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). According to AACP (the American Academy of Child and Adolescent), up to 16 percent of children struggle with ODD.
Every child is defiant occasionally, particularly when hungry, tired, upset or stressed. They may argue, talk back, and defy parents, teachers, and other adults. Highly sensitive children are more likely to be defiant at home, where they feel safe.
Children with ODD have a persistent pattern of becoming defiant and hostile toward authority figures, which substantially impairs their daily functioning.
According to AACP, symptoms of ODD can include:
- Frequent tantrums
- Excessive arguing with adults
- Regularly challenging rules
- Failing to follow the rules and actively disobeying adult requests
- Intentionally irritating or offending others
- Blaming others for their mistakes
- Being frequently annoyed or irritated by others
- A lot of resentment and anger
- When upset, saying cruel and harsh things
- Irritation and a desire for vengeance.
It may be best to seek specialist advice if you believe your child’s defiance is disruptive at school or home and has been for longer than you can handle
A Take-Home Message: A Defiant Child Has a Lot to Offer
Never forget that defiant children have a lot to give once their behavior is under control. They tend to be very much their own person, with their unique way of looking at the world.
According to a 40-year longitudinal study, defiance was a leading predictor of whether children (11 years old when the study began) grew up to become successful adults, as measured by income level. People who tend to break the rules are more likely to stand up for their values, leading them to live better lives. These people are excellent salary negotiators. They are determined and pursue their objectives tenaciously.
So, while defiance can drive you crazy as a parent, it’s also a trait that helps your child become a successful adult.
References
Spengler, M., Brunner, M., Damian, R. I., Lüdtke, O., Martin, R., & Roberts, B. W. (2015). Student characteristics and behaviors at age 12 predict occupational success 40 years later over and above childhood IQ and parental socioeconomic status. Developmental psychology, 51(9), 1329-1340. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000025
