When my son was seven years old, I reached a point of “I don’t know what else I can do.” He struggled with anger and emotional regulation. While at school he held it all together, at home, he would get angry over minor things. He would start yelling and hitting if things didn’t go his way. If we offered our help, he would blow up into a meltdown. Neither giving space nor hugs worked. He would calm down only when he let all his feelings out.
After the storm had passed, we would ask him if something had happened in school that made him so mad. He would say that either a colleague upset him, his teacher drew his attention, or they had to work on a boring task. Also, he hated to work on projects where he felt he wasn’t good enough. These incidents made him extremely intense, and I wondered whether that was normal.
I thought we were past tantrums at seven years old.
I also knew about meltdowns, but I thought they were more common in children that were autistic or had ADHD. My son’s pediatrician wasn’t concerned about neurodivergence because my son had behavior problems exclusively at home. The doctor blamed meltdowns on his sensitivity.
Still, his emotional temperament caused frequent anger outbursts and meltdowns, to which I didn’t know how to react. My son struggled with emotional regulation, and I felt clueless about how to help him.
After extensive reading on environmental sensitivity, anger, anxiety, and meltdowns, here’s what I found out.
Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.
What is the difference between emotional meltdowns and tantrums?
The main difference between tantrums and meltdowns is that, during a tantrum, your child has some self-control and can process what happens around. What’s more, your child’s tantrum has a specific purpose. It stops when they receive what they wished, or when they understand that it’s impossible to obtain it by crying and screaming.
Meltdowns, however, are different: your child goes through a meltdown when they need to get scary feelings out. Outbursts result from emotional and sensory overload.
A meltdown is a child’s way of showing that they have exceeded their ability to regulate emotions and control their behavior. So, their conduct cannot change based on other people’s reactions. Your child also needs more time to recover and process their feelings after the emotions are out.
Is it normal for my school-age child to have meltdowns?
Meltdowns rarely happen after the age of seven, as your child’s brain develops. According to renowned French psychologist Piaget, children better understand that people may have different opinions and feelings after age seven. You have probably noticed that your child often takes everything personally. However, it’s normal for kids up to seven to be egocentric.
Outbursts that cause frequent problems at school or home or seem dangerous to your child or other people, signal an emotional regulation problem.
What causes a sensitive child to have meltdowns?
Overwhelming emotions are the leading cause of meltdowns.
Moreover, your sensitive child is highly empathetic, so they can have difficulty saying “no” and setting boundaries. Consequently, they are more likely to internalize anger and frustration and show their feelings at home. But, again, this is because home is their safe space.
Another reason your kid gathers strong feelings is that they are sensitive to criticism, which is made worse because many people label them as shy or overly emotional. Labeling can hurt their self-esteem.
So how can you help your child release anger and other scary feelings safely? How can you prevent a full-blown meltdown?
The best way to help your child get feelings out is by playing together. Kids show us how they feel better by playing games and making up stories than by speaking directly about emotions.
Here’s an effective technique that helped my seven-year-old release tension and, thus, avoid meltdowns.
What’s the best parenting tool for meltdowns?
The best parenting tool for emotional regulation is empathy. Brain research has shown that your child learns self-soothing when you co-regulate. This is because your child’s brain creates neural pathways that it accesses later when in distress.
Moreover, your sensitive child’s ability to thrive depends massively on the conditions in which they grow up. Researchers say that environmental sensitivity depends equally on genetics and the environment. So, being supportive and predictable is crucial for your child’s healthy development.
The best way to show empathy and help your child regulate emotions is by playing with them.
Play The Balloon Men Game to Prevent Meltdowns
The Balloon Men Game is a parenting tool that helps prevent meltdowns by expressing scary and overwhelming feelings through play.
A sensitive child can often use anger, yelling and hitting to cope with other emotions like frustration, sadness, and disappointment (usually caused by transitioning problems).
The Balloon Men Game can help release anger safely. This way, your child can focus on their other underlying emotions.
Materials you need for the Balloon Men Game
First, let’s see what you need for this game:
- Two or more 10-inch balloons
- Paper-made eyes, noses, lips, and feet or shoes
- Scissors
- Paper glue or tape
- Markers or colored pencils.
Now Play the Balloon Men Game with Your Child!
You will decorate the balloons with the images (eyes, nose, lips, and feet or shoes) so that each balloon represents someone known, like a parent, friend, or teacher. Then, you will start a fight between the balloons.
Let the fun begin!
Here are the main steps:
1. Blow up two or more balloons.
Your child blows up one or two balloons. You’ll probably help tie them.
2. Your child decorates their balloons.
Your child crops and colors a pair of eyes, a nose, lips, and feet. Then, ask them to make a face on the balloon that looks like someone they know well (family members, classmates, teachers, or even themselves).
Afterward, your child must glue or stick the images with tape on the balloon.
3. Decorate your balloon.
It’s best to make your own balloon look like a person that upsets your child. It does not have to be artistic, but you should reproduce the eye color at least.
The face should be full of emotion. For instance, it can be a frightening look (like a big scary mouth for an authoritarian parent that causes fear), a mean laughing face (of a classmate that makes fun of your child), or a stern look (of an unsupportive teacher).
Ensure you finish your drawing by the time your child ends so they don’t lose focus.
4. Make up a story.
Start a story about what you know causes your child’s big feelings. Here are some ideas for the story:
- homework time if the issue is a parent’s authoritative style
- a playdate if the problem is a friend who crosses personal boundaries
- a regular school day, if the issue is about the school teacher, not knowing all the answers at school, or bullying, for example.
5. Start a balloon fight.
Gently touch your balloon to your child’s while you describe your little one’s feelings. Your kid will likely join in and start a fight between the two balloons.
If they suggest what your balloon should do or say, repeat after them and see what happens.
In our case, my son began to laugh as the balloon’s eyes, nose, mouth, and feet started flying across the room. Her anger lessened as she laughed, and she became calmer.
How do you help your child release their anger? Please share with us your favorite parenting tools.
References
Feldman R. Infant-mother and infant-father synchrony: The coregulation of positive arousal. Infant Ment Health J. Published online January 2003:1-23. https://doi.org/10.1002/imhj.10041
https://ars.els-cdn.com/content/image/1-s2.0-S0149763418306250-ga1_lrg.jpg
Brumariu LE. Parent-Child Attachment and Emotion Regulation. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development. Published online June 2015:31-45. https://doi:10.1002/cad.20098
Kay C. Wood, Harlan Smith, Daurice Grossniklaus, Department of Educational Psychology and Instructional Technology, University of Georgia, https://resources.saylor.org/wwwresources/archived/site/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/psych406-5.3.2.pdf
