The Highly Sensitive Child Guide (2022)

Dear parent,

In this guide, I will explain what being an HSP means and how you can best parent a highly sensitive child.

Like you, I am a parent. I am not a pediatrician, occupational therapist, or child psychologist.

If you feel like your child’s sensitivity significantly impacts their quality of life, please consult a specialist.

What is environmental sensitivity?

Some children are born with a more sensitive nervous system, making them more aware of our world. They have unique and strong emotional needs and can be passionate and enthusiastic when in balance. On the contrary, when they are overwhelmed, they can be restless, worried, and have trouble falling asleep.

Environmental sensitivity is a character trait, although it’s not one of the Big Five personality traits listed by the American Psychological Association (APA): openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Sensitive children score high on neuroticism (1). So, they tend to be less flexible and have problems dealing with transitions and new situations.

Sensitivity is not something new. Over one hundred years ago, C.G. Jung, a renowned Swiss psychiatrist, coined the term “innate sensitiveness” (2). However, in the last twenty years, sensitivity received more attention. For instance, Dr. Elaine Aron, Ph.D., introduced the terms “highly sensitive person” (HSP) and “highly sensitive child” (HSC) in the 1990s(3). According to her research, 15%-20% of the population is more sensitive to sensory and emotional stimuli, can perceive more details, and processes information more deeply.

Then, Professor Michael Pluess (4) discovered that the people who struggle more with difficult experiences are also the ones that benefit more from a positive environment and take more joy in positive experiences. He also summarized the various theories into one concept: “environmental sensitivity.” According to this theory, some people are born with a more sensitive nervous system, which is 50% genetic.

So, a highly sensitive child’s behavior depends on genetics and the environment. Some children turn out fine despite growing up in difficult conditions. However, a sensitive child needs a supportive environment to thrive (5). That’s why your parenting style plays a key role.

Sensory overload is a common challenge for sensitive children: some sounds are too loud, some smells too strong, and even seams can be difficult to handle.

Emotional overload is also frequent. It can also translate into meltdowns unless the child learns to handle negative emotions. Sensitive children pay great attention to detail and tend to overthink and ask many questions. So, their mind tires more easily (they get overstimulated) and need to wind down more often during the day.

Sensitivity versus mental disorders (SPD, ADHD, and ASD)

Being an HSP is not a disorder. It is a character trait.

Some signs of sensitivity overlap with conditions like ADHD, SPD, and autism. However, brain studies show that a sensitive person’s brain works differently than those with SPD, ADHD, and ASD (6).

The difference between sensitivity and mental disorders is that mental disorders can lower the quality of life, so you’ll need to consult a specialist. For instance, a sensitive child can have trouble with drop-off anxiety. However, they will get through it eventually, with gentle guidance.

In the case of SPD, the brain cannot process sensory information correctly. The brain either does not detect sensory stimuli (for example, the child doesn’t realize that they are cold) or the brain is overwhelmed with too much information. As for sensitivity, a sensitive child has a heightened perception. They see and process more details.

On the one hand, some children with SPD are under-responsive to stimuli (they don’t realize that they are hungry or get dizzy simply from watching others spin).

Others are over-responsive (they don’t like certain smells that other people can’t even feel, or they hate certain fabrics). High sensitivity to stimuli (over-responsiveness) is an area where environmental sensitivity and SPD overlap.

Children with SPD need a therapist to help them organize sensory input. Otherwise, they will have trouble performing daily responsibilities.

Sensitivity is different from ADHD. For example, a child with ADHD will have trouble staying still and focusing in a quiet environment. However, a sensitive child can relax when the stimuli stop (6).

Sensitivity is not autism. Sensitive children and autistic children have things in common. For instance, they are both quite sensitive to their surroundings. However, sensitivity and autism are different. For example, people who are autistic can have “social deficits” (difficulty making eye contact, reading social cues, showing empathy) while sensitive people don’t (7).

What are the characteristics of a highly sensitive child?

Here are some common signs of a highly sensitive child:

– Intense emotions and reactions

– Vibrant and passionate, when not overwhelmed

– Responds well to gentle and predictable discipline

– Sensory sensitivities (to smell, touch, lights)

– Easily overstimulated in new or crowded places (where there’s lots of new information that your child has to process)

– Easily hurt by criticism

– Has one or two close friends (likes meaningful relationships)

– Needs more quiet time and more sleep

– Alert mind

– Asks a lot of questions

– Likes to help others

– Loves routine

– Worries a lot

– Cautious; can appear shy or withdrawn

– Attention to detail

– Perfectionist

– Excellent memory

– Imaginative

Related: The 8 Biggest Challenges Highly Sensitive Children Face and How To Overcome Them

How do you discipline a highly sensitive child?

The learning curve of parenting such a child is steep. Yet it’s highly rewarding, too. You’ll have to do inner work and, perhaps, work on your behavior patterns.

Sensitive children need predictable discipline and gentle parenting to feel safe and validated. As they are more prone to depression in adulthood depending on how they are raised (8), you must provide a supportive environment.

Here are the top five parenting techniques that will help your kid thrive:

1. Research what sensitivity is and is not. Your child has a more sensitive nervous system. Their behavior is the result of their genetic makeup and their environment.
2. Discover your child’s triggers.
   • Sensory triggers: Is your child bothered by noise when other people around don’t seem to have a problem with it? Do they notice smells that other people can’t? Do they have issues with clothes when the seasons change (touch sensitivity)?
   • Emotional triggers: How does your child react to mild criticism? When they’re happy or enthusiastic about something, are they very intense?
   • Social triggers: Does your child enjoy working in groups? Do they say what bothers them when others cross their boundaries? Are they overwhelmed at social gatherings?
3. Tailor your approach to your child’s triggers and needs instead of applying mainstream parenting techniques.
4. Don’t take bad behavior personally. Avoid feeling offended by your child’s behavior. Challenging behavior usually hides an unmet need and is a way of releasing intense emotions. Instead, focus on teaching your kid how to handle big emotions throughout the day to avoid bottling them up.
5. Advocate for your child when people label them “shy” or “too sensitive.”. Your sensitive child is different from about 70% of their peers. Chances are that they will wonder if there’s something wrong with them. So, it’s your job to be your child’s best advocate. Let go of what others think and ensure your child feels comfortable in their skin.

Related: HSP Parents, Let Go of Toxic Guilt Now

References

1. https://sensitivityresearch.com/the-relation-between-sensitivity-and-common-personality-traits/
2. Jung, C. G. (1913). The theory of psychoanalysis. Psychoanalytic Review, 1(1), 1-40, https://pep-web.org/search/document/PSAR.001.0001A
3. Aron, E. N., & Aron, A. (1997). “Sensory-processing sensitivity and its relation to introversion and emotionality”. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(2), 345-368. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.73.2.345Pluess vantage sensitivity
4. Pluess, M. (2015), Child Development Perspectives, 9(3), 138-143. doi: 10.1111/cdep.12120
5. Assary, E., Zavos, H.M.S., Krapohl, E. et al. Genetic architecture of Environmental Sensitivity reflects multiple heritable components: a twin study with adolescents. Mol Psychiatry 26, 4896–4904 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41380-020-0783-8
6. https://hsperson.com/faq/hs-or-adhd/
7. Acevedo B, Aron E, Pospos S, Jessen D. 2018. “The functional highly sensitive brain: a review of the brain circuits underlying sensory processing sensitivity and seemingly related disorders”. Phil. Trans. R. Soc. B 373: 20170161. http://dx.doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2017.0161
8. Lionetti, F., Klein, D.N., Pastore, M. et al. “The role of environmental sensitivity in the development of rumination and depressive symptoms in childhood: a longitudinal study”. Eur Child Adolesc Psychiatry (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s00787-021-01830-6