Many highly sensitive people live with a level of anxiety. For instance, my seven-year-old son worries about everything. I believe that my son is a highly sensitive child with anxiety.
He has unique emotional needs and connects excellently with his teacher, but until recently, he did not talk much with colleagues. He is very particular about whom he chooses as a friend. He did not participate much in class either. As a mom, I wanted the school staff to know him and value his strengths. I lost sleep over him being labeled a shy child with anxiety issues.
Whenever I asked him how was his school day, he would say, “I don’t know,” or “Okay.” Yet, at the same time, the teacher told me he hadn’t said a word in group projects.
How could I make my highly sensitive child relieve his anxiety?
After reading more on high sensitivity and how a child’s brain works, I discovered that:
1. Deeply processing and noticing details can make you prone to anxiety.
A sensitive child processes information deeply. As a result, they often observe details that school colleagues don’t. However, due to their young age, kids lack the experience or emotional maturity to understand that other people can see things differently (or not at all). As a result, sensitive children can start avoiding situations that cause them anxiety because they don’t dare to speak up: colleagues interrupting, not knowing the correct answer in class, and working on group projects with more assertive colleagues.
At the same time, a highly sensitive child can behave flawlessly in school and perform well academically. However, later they can blow up at home, where they feel safe. Meltdowns often happen when a deeply emotional child does not know how to handle negative emotions.
However, you probably know that talking is not enough when your child is close to a meltdown after the school day is over.
2. Talking doesn’t always work.
A child may not know to verbalize feelings.Or, they might be afraid of expressing their emotions, thinking there’s something wrong with them or that they made a mistake. And often, they are not aware of what bothers them.
Either way, your highly sensitive child can end up bottling up anxiety until avoidance defense mechanisms kick in (“I don’t like school. I don’t want to go to school today.”)
3. Play therapy can help a highly sensitive child with anxiety.
Play therapy can help a highly sensitive child deal with uncomfortable emotions. Role-playing and playing with dolls and miniatures, where you reconstruct a situation that bothers your child, can help them increase their level of tolerance in stressful situations.
The garbage bag technique is one excellent play therapy strategy that helped my son.
What is the garbage bag technique?
Through play, this technique will help your highly sensitive child identify problems that cause anxiety and find solutions. It’s best for kids that know how to write sentences.
How does the garbage bag technique work?
Your kid notes down three problems from home, and three at school, then focuses on finding solutions. Finding solutions will empower them to feel more in control of their life. Moreover, writing down the problems helps with relieving the big emotions.
What you need for the garbage bag technique:
- Two brown paper bags (like paper sandwich bags)
- Colored pencils
- Twelve paper strips or for noting down problems
You can replace the paper bag with a can and play the “worry can” or the “sad can,” depending on what challenging behavior you need to tackle.
What are the main steps?
Doing this exercise is best when your highly sensitive child is calm and focused.
1. Make drawings on the paper bags and start talking about garbage
Give your child one of the two brown bags and ask them to draw on it whatever they choose. At the same time, you will draw on your bag, too.
While you do your drawings, you can start a talk about the definition of garbage. Here’s an example:
“Do you know what garbage is? It’s what you throw away in the garbage can once you no longer need it. It’s like the banana you left under your bed for two weeks. Do you know what I mean?”
Then, say what happens when we don’t throw away our garbage:
“What if the trash was never picked up? What if it remains in your home for months and months? Then, you won’t be able to move or sit. You would even have to carry your garbage with you wherever you went. You would take it with you everywhere you went, to school, in your bed. You would never get rid of it. “
2. Draw a comparison between garbage and bottled-up emotions
Here’s an example:
“Well, we keep garbage like that inside of ourselves. Things that make us feel anxious and uncomfortable.”
3. Note down problems and put them inside the paper bag
Now, you can explain to your kid to write down three issues from home and then thee from school:
“So, I’ll give you six paper strips once we finish drawing. We will write down six examples of our garbage that bothers us, and we’ll put them in the garbage bags.
Let’s start with something from home. Something that bothers you a lot. You can note it down on one of your paper strips.”
You will start writing down a problem your kid has, then say what you have written out loud. For instance, I wrote, “I yell a lot when I’m upset.” This way, you’ll guide your kid on how to put his problems on paper. For example, my son wrote, “I hate it when mom and dad fight.” His second problem was, “I hate it when mom yells.”
Now, list three problems from school.
“Now that both of us have three examples of garbage from home let’s note down three pieces of garbage from school.”
Again, you’ll lead by example. For instance, you can say, “I don’t like playing in groups.” Afterward, you can ask your child to do the same. For example, my son wrote, “The girls in my team don’t let me speak.“
4. Put the garbage bags away
Then, put the brown paper bags away and let your highly sensitive child think about your game for several days. Then, continue playing:
“Now we are going to close up our garbage bags, and we’re going to talk about them in two days. Then, on Thursday, you can choose a piece of garbage from your bag, and we’ll play until we find out what we can do about it.”
5. Role play with your child
The next day, you can ask your child to choose a piece of paper from the garbage bag. For instance, my highly sensitive child picked “I hate it when mom and dad fight.”
The next step is to play a game focusing on that specific issue (in our case, parents fighting).
It has to be a role-play or a game with figurines (like Lego), stuffed animals, or dolls. You can model the scene from clay or play dough if you don’t have appropriate toys. Your aim is for the game to resemble reality as much as the child needs.
In our case, I used to fight with my husband in the living room while our son watched TV on the couch. So, besides the three figurines, we needed a sofa, a TV set, and some pieces of furniture.
Your child will likely find solutions themselves, but sometimes they need guidance. For example, you might need to direct the role play to stick to discussing the problem.
Talk in the third person so your child feels safe to take control and find a solution.
A Take-Home Message
Anxiety can make our special kids avoid situations that are emotionally flooding. If they can’t avoid it (like going to school and participating in group projects), a highly sensitive child might behave flawlessly in school and bottle up their big feelings.
The garbage bag technique is an easy and fun way to get the feelings out and help solve problems.
