HSP parents, do you have toddlers?
Then you know that toddlers throw tantrums so often that it’s impossible not to get triggered. It’s what they do. According to the Yale Medicine website, children younger than four can have up to nine tantrums per week. The good news is that if your toddler can release the tension in the first 30 seconds, the tantrum will likely be shorter, and you are less likely to intervene.
But how can you not intervene? Though we know tantrums are a normal part of development, we feel our pulse racing when we see our child sprawling on the floor at Target. To make things worse, the ear-splitting tantrum and the side-eye looks are enough to make your cheeks burn if you are an HSP parent.
So how can we avoid letting toddlers’ tantrums trigger us?
Being able to calm yourself is easier said than done. That’s why getting familiar with a few calming tactics can help you react gently to your toddler’s big emotions.
1. Give yourself compassion
Most of us want to be gentle parents. Yet, our parents raised us in the old way, with rewards and punishments. Because misbehaving in public was a big no, you may find it hard to accept your toddler’s outbursts. But instead of feeling guilty, give yourself some compassion and say to yourself:
- “It’s okay for this to trigger me. It’s triggering because I used to get punished when I behaved like that.”
- “I feel nervous. It’s okay. I don’t have to copy my parents’ reactions. I can break the cycle”.
In addition, the fact that you are reading this article means that you are a good parent. Simply acknowledging that will help you be kinder to yourself. That is key to remaining calm during toddler tantrums.
2. Take time to calm down
Toddlers can be intense, physical and noisy, which is enough for an HSP parent to feel overwhelmed. Moreover, they may not the only ones crying after a tantrum. That’s why it’s best to take one step at a time when you feel that you can’t take it anymore:
- Ensure your toddler is safe.
- Try, “Mommy needs a moment to calm down” or “I need a moment to calm down; then, we’ll see how we can make things better.” Then, take time to calm yourself.
- Come back to your toddler and help them co-regulate.
Sometimes counting to five is enough. Other times, you might want to center your thoughts on an object like a necklace , an old photo you carry in your handbag or a special rock you painted with your child.
Focusing your attention on your child’s little hands and face can also help you calm down and realize how young and immature they are and that they aren’t trying to upset you.
But you might also need to walk away to another room for one minute and take a few deep breaths. HSP parents might need to do that because they can recalibrate better by going somewhere quiet and reducing stimulation.
The problem is that you might feel guilty afterward for letting your child deal with their emotions alone while you were gone.
But here’s the thing.
If going to another room is your best method to calm down, then go for it. If you are doing the same thing repeatedly, your toddler will learn that you will return. In the end, it’s all about having predictable behavior. Toddlers, and highly sensitive toddlers, in particular, thrive on predictability.
3. Take responsibility for your actions
Being predictable also means not reacting based on your emotional state at the time. For example, imagine your toddler starts crying and kicking in the evening when you come home after work. The reason? You cut their banana in two, and they can’t put it back together. When you’re tired, you might not be able to see how funny the situation is. So, you might explode.
If you do, apologizing for your reaction might be the best way to reconnect and model behavior simultaneously. You can try this:
- “I’m sorry for getting upset earlier.”
- “I shouldn’t have raised my voice.”
- “I’ll try to stay calm next time.”
- “Would you like a hug?”
Remember to get down to their eye level, use simple language, and promise to do better next time. You may want to avoid setting limits when angry unless it’s for safety concerns. Again, it’s because limits work best when you connect before you correct.
Related: 9 Things You Should Never Say to Your Perceptive Child
4. Each child is different.
Your toddler’s tantrums can be quite challenging, especially if they have a strong-willed nature compared to their peers.
But here’s the thing.
Every child is unique and responds to their environment differently.
If you have a highly sensitive toddler, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them or your parenting. It simply means their central nervous system is more reactive, causing them to experience intense emotions quickly. This is why they feel things deeply. While they might exhibit self-control at times, it’s important to remember that self-regulation is a lifelong learning process.
So, consider adjusting your expectations to match your child’s temperament, and approach them with empathy and compassion where they are.
5. Reframe your thinking.
Tantrums often mask unspoken needs that children can’t express beforehand. Instead of assuming your toddler is deliberately defiant, consider tantrums as their way of clumsily communicating. For example, your child might feel hungry and crave something sweet instead of dinner. When you say “no,” it can trigger an outburst.
However, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s likely not deliberate defiance. Maybe their blood sugar is low, or they’re tired and need your assistance with eating. Perhaps they simply missed you because you’re at work all day.
This doesn’t mean you should give in. Instead, try to empathize with their perspective, allowing you to set boundaries with compassion.
Related: How to Help Your Deeply Feeling Child Set Emotional Boundaries
6. Pick your battles.
Tantrums serve as a way for toddlers to learn about boundaries and develop their sense of willpower. They mark the initial steps towards fostering independent thinking and your child expressing their own views. As they grow, you’ll take pride in their ability to stand up for themselves and their beliefs.
So, the goal isn’t to eliminate tantrums entirely, but to guide your toddler in safely expressing their emotions without harming themselves or others.
Tantrums often arise when toddlers want to do things independently or when they can’t have something they desire. Your child has a clear intent, but it may not align with what’s allowed.
To minimize tantrums, it’s helpful to encourage your toddler’s independence whenever possible. Start by choosing your battles wisely and identifying what is non-negotiable for you. Then, for less critical matters, grant your child freedom to explore, ensuring the environment remains safe.
For instance, if your toddler wants to help with washing dishes, offer them plastic cups under your watchful eye. If they express interest in watering plants, say “yes” for the garden and large pots around the house, but “no” for the smaller potted plants where there’s a higher risk of carpet getting wet.
Related: How to handle aggressive behavior in a highly sensitive toddler
Check out our video below on How to Handle Toddler Tantrums as an HSP Parent:
References
https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/anger-issues-in-children-and-teens
Potegal, M., Kosorok, M. R., & Davidson, R. J. (2003). Temper tantrums in young children: 2. Tantrum duration and temporal organization. Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, 24(3), 148–154. https://doi.org/10.1097/00004703-200306000-00003
