Does your deeply feeling child cringe at saying “no”?
Emotional kids invest too much in relationships. They absorb others’ feelings like a sponge, and also expect people to read their minds and not cross their boundaries.
Sensitive children are uncomfortable setting boundaries and often end up bottling up emotions. Bottled anger can easily lead to a meltdown at home, where they feel safe.
Why does setting boundaries fill your child with dread?
Before we begin, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.
1. A deeply feeling child is empathetic
A boundary is like a line between the “me” territory and the rest of the world. But when boundaries are blurred, your child has difficulty differentiating between their feelings and what others want. An empathetic child will absorb the energy from the people around them. They feel other people’s discomfort and imagine potential negative reactions. Moreover, sensitive kids are less aggressive and more likely to avoid conflict.
Consequently, their empathy and overthinking make them unable to pronounce “no.”
2. A deeply feeling child feels shame and anxiety
Deeply feeling kids often feel bad about telling how they feel to someone overstepping their boundaries. But when a child feels deep shame and anxiety over saying “no,” self-esteem issues might be at play. Or, it might be learned behavior from home.
In the long term, your kid can become a chronic people pleaser unless you do something about it.
Related: How to Support Your Shy HSC
3. A deeply feeling child lacking a role model
When was the last time you asked yourself, “What do I want?”
Your child might not know how to set limits because they haven’t seen you do it.
Most parents of highly sensitive kids walk on eggshells, afraid of causing an outburst. Between your kid’s frequent meltdowns, taking care of other siblings, your partner’s attitude who thinks you are too “soft,” and relatives’ labeling your sensitive child as “spoiled,” you are bound to ignore your limits trying to please everyone.
Eventually, you will secretly resent those around you, thinking they take advantage of you.
The bad part is that your deeply feeling child will likely copy that behavior. They will learn that what they want is less important than what other, more outspoken persons want. As a result, they might engage in relationships that aren’t based on equal give and take, so they might struggle with friendships.
Moreover, like you, your sensitive child will keep their emotions to themselves until their cup spills over.
Related: HSP Parents, Let Go of Toxic Guilt Now
4. Society praises people who put others’ needs first
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable because our society praises unselfish, self-sacrificing heroes.
We are often taught that putting our needs first means being selfish. Yet, according to the Oxford dictionary, being selfish means “lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.” Focusing on what you need, on your emotional well-being, does not make you selfish.
We put more emphasis on self-control than on setting boundaries (google “self-control” and you get 3.5 billion results, and then google “set boundaries” and you get 2 billion searches). But the two are intertwined: creating clear boundaries ahead of time helps us control our reactions.
For sensitive children, setting and protecting boundaries is crucial to improving their self-regulation skills.
So, how can you help your child have clear boundaries? Here are four “no more” tactics:
1. Model behavior: advocate for you and your child
According to Charles Whitfield, an American physician and childhood trauma specialist, you must learn to see “No” as a complete sentence to feel comfortable about setting limits.
However, saying “no” without overexplaining and apologizing is not that easy. Most people often feel bad for doing something that is not in line with societal expectations. So, you might feel like you somehow disappoint other people. However, try to commit to your decision and stop feeling responsible for other people’s reactions.
Saying “no” might mean taking short breaks when your nervous system is depleted. Your emotional boundaries might trigger meltdowns from your deeply feeling child as they feel rejected. But when you are emotionally drained, it’s time to stop thinking about how your kid and others would respond. You need your self-care break to be the gentle parent you dreamed of.
Your emotional child might not like it, but they will eventually learn that your attitude does not mean you love them less. The key is to:
- set your limit ahead of time (please don’t wait until your kid is close to a meltdown), and
- express your intention calmly (“I need to go for a short walk, Dad will take care of you while I’m gone”).
Here’s another example where saying “no” is good for both you and your emotional child: when people label your kid as “shy”. Instead of simmering and removing yourself from the situation, speak up for your kid.
Related: 10 Surefire Parenting Tactics to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Thrive
By seeing you practicing boundaries, your sensitive child will gradually feel safe to express their feelings when something bothers them and thus avoid a meltdown.
Related: 6 Key Strengths That Make You an Incredible HSP Mom
2. Respect your deeply feeling child’s boundaries
Validating each time your kid sets a limit helps them practice setting boundaries. For example, if your kid says, “I don’t want to kiss Grandpa,” you might say, “Sure, honey. How do you think you could greet him instead?”.
An answer like, “That’s unkind. Grandpa is looking forward to seeing you”, might make your child feel invalidated. It can teach your kid that other people’s wishes are more important.
Of course, we don’t want to raise selfish human beings. We want our kids to be kind. So, learning to say “no” without hurting others’ feelings is a crucial skill that kids need to build.
An excellent way to be kind and yet protect boundaries is to give a brief explanation + propose an alternative that might work for both parties (“Hello, Grandpa. I don’t feel like giving a kiss to someone right now. Would you like a high five instead?”).
3. Encourage positive self-talk
A deeply feeling child often feels ashamed of setting limits even if the other person has clearly overstepped boundaries. The guilt and anxiety might hide low self-esteem problems, so fostering positive self-talk is crucial.
Here are some examples:
- “My feelings matter.”
- “I am kind, and I am brave. I can say “no.”
- “What I want matters.”
4. Teach I-statements
Young children, especially preschoolers, learn better through games and activities than through verbal communication (like the positive affirmations above).
One way to show them how to set boundaries is to include I-statements in your pretend play games:
- “I don’t like it when you…because I worry that…”
- “I’m sad because…”
- “That makes me angry. Please stop doing that.”
References
Burr, W. R. (1990). Beyond I-Statements in Family Communication. Family Relations, 39(3), 266–273. https://doi.org/10.2307/584870
Whitfield, L. Charles, MD. Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, Health Communicatins Inc, 2010. https://books.google.ro/books?id=lYqjAgAAQBAJ&lpg=PP1&ots=YnqFhjkep0&dq=setting%20boundaries%20relationships&lr&pg=PP1#v=onepage&q=setting%20boundaries%20relationships&f=false
