Criticism is difficult to tolerate for highly sensitive children (HSCs). They rarely have the power to stand up for themselves when an infinitely superior adult criticizes them. Likewise, HSCs take deeply personally the slightest hint that they have done something wrong.
If your child is so emotional that they blame themselves and apologize when they make a small mistake, you’re not alone. The good news is that high sensitivity also comes with strengths that your child can use to manage criticism.
“Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.
Elvis Presley
In this article, we’ll explore:
- why criticism is so challenging for a sensitive kid
- how sensitive children react to criticism
- five easy ways to manage criticism successfully.
Why criticism is so challenging for a sensitive child
Highly sensitive children have big feelings. So, when they are emotionally triggered, their big feelings become overwhelming. They can’t think with the logical part of the brain until they self-regulate.
Moreover, sensitive kids notice minor details like a subtle change in tone and can take it personally.
Additionally, many HSCs are conscientious. As they do their best already, someone expressing disapproval is likely hurtful.
Likewise, childhood is a time when we build new skills constantly. So, for example, when I was trying to learn something as a kid, even a little comment could set me off track.
“Wow, don’t write such big letters,” my mom said. “Writing that big, you won’t have enough room on the page.” “But I write as best as I can, Mamma,” I would answer. “I’m sure you do, honey, but, you see, it’s not good enough.”
And just like that, my inner critic grew stronger and stronger. As an adult, I often struggle with self-compassion when I feel criticized.
How a sensitive child reacts to criticism
In primary school, I was a well-behaved rule follower. So, for instance, if I accidentally spilled milk at breakfast, I would feel so guilty that I would immediately say, “I’m sorry I did that.” Although no one complained about my mistake, I felt guilty.
Many sensitive children react like this: they feel guilty and apologize instead of thinking they have made a simple mistake from which they can learn.
Here are some common reactions that are unhelpful:
- apologizing incessantly for minor things
- blaming themselves
- avoiding things they love, if someone has criticized them (even constructive criticism), and
- focusing on the “good” and the “bad” instead of having a growth mindset
- being harsh on themselves
If you are like me, you would want your child to stop being so hard on themselves and build self-worth to protect themselves again criticism.
Let’s take a closer look at these simple tactics to manage criticism.
1. Encourage your HSC to pause and reflect
Many people think that criticism is about them. But others react the way they do for many reasons. So, you may need to teach your kid to pause and reflect if it’s truly about them. Fortunately, understanding other people’s perspective comes naturally to highly sensitive kids.
For example, imagine your deeply emotional daughter starts crying after their dad tells them that they have to work more on their science project. Now, there may be several underlying reasons:
- dad believes in his daughter’s potential and wants them to go as far as they can,
- he may have sounded unkind because he had a hard day, or
- your daughter believes dad always praises another sibling and has stuffed in negatives feelings.
When a sensitive child takes it so personally, it’s best to pause to process how they feel. Pausing helps them identify and deal with automatic negative thoughts.
In addition, it gives you time to ask them what they would say to their best friend if they were in that situation. A discussion like this encourages introspection and empathy, which are key strengths of highly sensitive persons.
2. Model self-compassion instead of self-criticism
Sensitive children have perfectionistic tendencies. That is why they can be hard on themselves.
The best way to teach self-compassion is by modeling it. Thus, if you beat yourself up for minor mistakes, your kid will, too. Also, if you show understanding when someone in your house makes mistakes, that can help.
Here’s an example.
Next time you spill the glass of milk on the kitchen floor, tell yourself out loud so that your HSC can hear, “It was an accident, it’s okay.”
Similarly, if you and your kid have a hard time with virtual school, you might say, “It’s okay; I’m not a failure if I have a hard time balancing virtual school and working remotely’.
The point is that modeling positive self-talk is a great way to grow self-esteem in kids.
Additionally, praise effort and persistence to help your child build self-worth. Make sure that they feel seen and heard. Our children need to know that they are worthy as they are and not to value themselves based on their mistakes and others’ value judgments.
3. Practice reassurance and encouragement
It often helps my emotional son know that others notice when someone has been unnecessarily rude. Also, it’s best to acknowledge quickly and casually:
“That lady was not nice to you. But I think she worried that you slip and fall if you run like that here. So now you know the rules, so you will know what to do next time!”
If your kid is emotional, they may take time to wind down from the embarrassment of someone remarking on their behavior. That’s okay, and it’s best to accommodate if you can.
Moreover, we usually think that our children know that we love them. However, for sensitive kids, we need to go deeper and show them that we see their struggles and are ready to love them more.
4. Teach your HSC a growth mindset
Developing a growth mindset is an excellent strategy for HSCs to handle criticism positively. That’s because it helps with self-regulation and enhances self-esteem. Moreover, it increases resilience.
Here are some simple tips for developing a growth mindset:
- Use the word “yet” more often: “I can’t do this yet!”
- Praise persistence: “Wow, I can see you put a lot of effort into this.”
- Instill a passion for learning: “You talked about dinosaurs at school today. What do you say we go to the museum to see fossils?”
- Model a positive attitude. “Wow, it’s too bad that lady said that you cannot feed the rabbits. What do you say if we take some pictures of them?”
- Accept challenges. “You think I don’t run fast enough. I’ll prove you wrong.”
- Encourage learning by trial and error. “You slipped the first time. Let’s try again and see what happens.”
5. Avoid stepping in to rescue your HSC
Many parents believe their children’s happiness is the most important thing. So, when their kid is unhappy because somebody criticizes them, they do what they can to push it away.
Unfortunately, emotional kids often get insensitive remarks because their temperament is different from most kids’.
Nevertheless, facing adversity helps build resilience; and resilient kids tolerate criticism more easily.
For instance, if your kid feels uneasy that one of your relatives call them shy, it’s best to assume that the relatives have poor communication skills and to teach your child to speak up (“I’m not shy, I am just different from you.”)
Speaking up makes us feel more confident in our abilities, whereas avoiding a problem feeds our anxiety.
References
Dweck, Carol. “What having a “growth mindset” actually means.” Harvard Business Review 13 (2016): 213-226.
Aron, Elaine N., and Arthur Aron. “Sensory-processing sensitivity and its relation to introversion and emotionality.” Journal of personality and social psychology 73.2 (1997): 345.
Allen, A. B., & Leary, M. R. (2010). Self-Compassion, Stress, and Coping. Social and personality psychology compass, 4(2), 107–118. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2009.00246.x
What about you? How do you help your HSC handle criticism? Please share with us your experience.
