Do you have a highly sensitive child and struggle with bad behavior?
In this article:
- Why does a highly sensitive child display challenging behavior?
- When does challenging behavior become a cause for concern?
- 8 Effective Strategies to Manage Your Highly Sensitive Child’s Challenging Behavior
- Draw a 5-minute action plan to manage your highly sensitive child’s behavior
When my highly sensitive child started school, he suddenly became whiney. He had meltdowns when we wouldn’t buy him what he wanted: “You never buy me Spiderman T-shirts” or “You never take me to see a movie all the other kids have seen.” What he said wasn’t true most of the time. Instead, it indicated his efforts of fitting in with his new colleagues.
The transition to school made his high sensitivity more visible. For instance, he would often have meltdowns in the evening. He would also play aggressively with his younger brother. What’s more, he’d have an utter disregard for house rules sometimes.
I thought his attitude would never improve if I didn’t hold my ground. So, I constantly went back and forth, sometimes feeling like I rewarded bratty behavior and other times thinking gentle parenting was the answer.
What was the problem? What was I doing wrong? Was it normal behavior for a five-year-old? How do we know the fine line between understanding our highly sensitive child and encouraging unwanted behavior?
Why does a highly sensitive child display challenging behavior?
1. Sometimes, it’s developmentally appropriate.
When a five-year-old envisions something, they become set on it, and it’s hard to see another outcome. “All or none” thinking is common at this age, regardless of whether we’re talking about a highly sensitive child or not. Moreover, it’s often difficult for children at this age to see a situation from somebody else’s point of view.
Researchers say it is developmentally appropriate. According to Piaget’s theory of cognitive development, between two and seven years of age, children can focus only on one aspect of a problem at a time, and they assume that everybody thinks, feels, and hears as they do. Moreover, they do not fully understand why they should use polite language and follow social rules.
2. Chronic overstimulation
Sensitive children are quickly overwhelmed by environmental stimuli, hence they may suffer from chronic overstimulation. Sudden noises, a colorful room, a long day of socialization may lead to problematic behaviors. As Dr. Elaine Aron pointed out, you naturally become overstimulated by intense, chaotic, or new things when you notice everything.
3. Big life changes
A recent study published at the beginning of 2022 showed that highly sensitive preschoolers are more likely to become “hard to deal with” in an unpredictable family environment. They are more likely to hit, fight and become resentful.
In this study, unpredictability referred to significant changes like moving, sickness, separation, divorce, or changing the primary caregiver.
Another interesting finding was that parenting styles (authoritarian or permissive) did not affect HSP children more than others. This discovery was a relief for me, as I find it hard to strike the right balance between understanding and encouraging challenging behavior.
4. Lagging skills
Last but not least, lagging skills may be the cause behind unreasonable outbursts.
- Emotional regulation: A highly sensitive child may have difficulty managing frustration and disappointment.
- Social skills. An HSC may seek attention in inappropriate ways or don’t know to read social cues.
- Cognitive flexibility. This skill enables us to adapt our behavior to new circumstances and switch between concepts.
- Attention & memory skills. An HSC can find it hard to maintain attention and could seem to lack motivation. This behavior may be due to overstimulation or a lagging skill.
- Language processing. Expressing needs and following conversations may be hard for some HSCs.
When does challenging behavior become a cause for concern?
We all have times when we can’t control our reactions. However, when I observed my child’s challenging behavior daily, I became concerned.
Problematic behaviors may be a bigger problem if we see that:
- they continue for more extended periods
- are accompanied by poor sleep, tummy aches, and other body reactions
- impact daily life, school, and relationships.
It’s best not to ignore challenging behaviors that hold these features. If left unaddressed, they can be damaging to a child’s development, leading to:
- Lack of self-esteem. Children want to please. But when a child feels that they are in the wrong all the time, their confidence drops significantly.
- Loneliness. A kid labeled as “difficult” or “too emotional” may begin to feel misunderstood and push people away.
- Anxiety. A highly sensitive child may become anxious when they feel like they can’t live up to the expectations. Moreover, they are often susceptible to rejection, leading to anxiety.
Sounds a bit alarming, right? The good news is that I found these simple strategies that stop my son’s problematic behaviors.
8 Effective Strategies to Deal With Your Highly Sensitive Child’s Challenging Behavior
1. Show curiosity and compassion to your highly sensitive child
Being patient and approaching the situation with compassionate curiosity significantly improved my connection with my highly sensitive child. When you’re close to losing patience, you may ask yourself questions about the source of the behavior.
Here are some examples:
- “Why did my child want to do that?”
- “What is so upsetting that makes him react this strongly?”
- “What’s the pattern? Do his meltdowns happen in the evening or the morning?” What was he doing before it started? What or who was around?”
What is your highly sensitive child trying to communicate?
When identifying the underlying causes, it’s best to think about the message that the child is trying to convey:
- I’m hungry.
- I didn’t have enough sleep.
- I’m tired.
- I worry about something.
- I had a bad day at school.
- I want to feel more in control.
- I need more mommy time.
- I need more “me” time.
- I had too much screen time.
- I ate too many sweets.
- The constant noise overstimulates me.
- I’m having trouble with starting school.
- I’m having trouble with Grandma moving to another state.
- I need fresh air.
- Nobody wants to play with me.
- My tummy hurts, and my brother won’t leave me alone.
- I am testing a limit.
Ask open-ended questions
Additionally, we want to ask open-ended questions about what happened, starting with “Who,” “What,” “When,” “Where,” and “How.” For instance, we can ask, “When did that happen?” “Can you tell me more?” “How so?“.
After talking with my son, I found out that, sometimes, my expectations were too high. For example, not jumping on the couch may seem normal to me because it’s expensive, but my son does not yet grasp the value of money. Therefore, I needed to set a firm limit using empathy (“Wow, it’s so much fun jumping on the couch. But you know that couch is not for jumping. Come off now, let’s find an old mattress instead“.)
2. Identify the lagging skills holding your highly sensitive child back
My son may not always pinpoint the source of his behavior, but the way he acts often gives me clues about what’s happening. In observing his behaviors, I slowly began to notice some lagging skills.
He had difficulty transitioning (which has to do with cognitive flexibility) and underlying anxiety that prevented him from problem-solving (related to his emotional regulation skills). Moreover, as a highly sensitive person, sudden or constant noise overstimulates him.
Consequently, seeing things from someone else’s perspective was challenging when he felt overwhelmed. From the outside, he looked like a brat. However, his behavior was not intentional.
3. Analyzing your own behavior
Analyzing our behavior is critical. It helps identify our triggers. It’s a crucial step in managing our HSC’s challenging behavior because our anxieties play a massive role in our children’s behavior, according to research.
So, I asked myself questions like:
- “Why am I such an angry mom? I never expected I would turn out to be like that.”
- “What is it so important that my son complies in a specific situation?”
- “Why do I believe that my way is the only way?”
- “What did I want so hard to instill in my son the importance of following rules?”.
I soon realized that I wanted my son to be compliant because my parents brought me up in an authoritarian way. So, unfortunately, I often did not have a valid reason for imposing my will. Moreover, I used to believe that it was wrong to question rules because, as a child, I received lots of praise for being good.
Now, I usually discuss my reactions with my empathetic child and apologize when I overreact. I found it is an excellent way to model self-reflection and willingness to change.
4. Offer choices to your highly sensitive child
When we had online school, Lucas asked to write letters on colored paper a while ago. I thought he should use white paper, although the teacher hadn’t given specific instructions. Then, of course, Lucas had a meltdown because I failed to provide him with a good reason why he shouldn’t use colored paper.
I now believe that he got upset because he felt that he didn’t have a choice in the matter. So, therefore, now we have all the school materials in a basket by the computer. This way, he gets to choose what he needs from the basket, and we limit interaction with each other, which can stimulate him.
5. Teach your highly sensitive child to use a special phrase to express big emotions
Teaching HSP children key phrases, or simply words, to use when feeling close to losing control is a great strategy to avoid challenging behaviors. Here are some examples that made our life easier:
- “Mom, this is super important to me.”
- “Mom, I don’t feel like myself.”
- “Mom, I need to be alone for a while.”
6. Have a house rule about speaking respectfully
When kids know a rule but don’t follow it, something prevents them from cooperating, like a strong emotion that they cannot name. So forcing a child into compliance will only make them stuff big feelings and rebel sooner or later. That Is why natural consequences are better than taking away privileges.
A natural consequence for not respectfully speaking can be holding space and not deciding anything until everyone can talk calmly. Unfortunately, that now and then implies delaying an action that we were looking forward to.
7. Ignore the behavior of your highly sensitive child
At times, ignoring bad behavior is practical, like when a kid is hungry. When that happens, I usually acknowledge non-judgmentally that my HSP son needs to eat and let him whine if he feels like it. Once he understands what triggers him, he usually finds a calm-down activity until dinner is ready.
For this strategy to be effective, the secret is also to praise desirable behavior. For instance, be sure to compliment your HSP child for choosing to play quietly, even if they can’t wait to eat dinner.
8. Make it a game, if you can
When the situation allows us, it’s better to transform a potential conflict into an opportunity to connect.
For example, if your highly sensitive child starts whining at the mall about not buying them enough ponies, you might playfully invite them to use their regular voice: “I wonder where your regular voice went. Did the fairy steal it?” Here’s another example: “Where did your normal voice go? It was here five minutes ago. Did that doll which you just touched steal it?… You found it” Yeey, I love your normal voice.“
5-minute action plan to manage your highly sensitive child’s behavior
If you haven’t already thought about it, take five minutes to think of the most problematic behavior your HSP child has, what causes it and how you can address it.
For example, here is our plan to address my HSP child’s meltdowns every evening after school:
# 1: Track behavior. My son has meltdowns in the evening, at home, after he comes from school and before dinner is ready.
# 2: Identify the reason. He is probably overwhelmed by having to keep emotions under control all day at school.
# 3: Get his emotions out in a non-destructive way. Acknowledge non-judgmentally that he is struggling and ask open-end questions (“You don’t seem like yourself right now. How was your day? Did something happen?”)
# 4: Offer emotional support. “Do you want me to give you a hug? No? Okay, then come to me when you feel ready if you like”.
# 5: Gentle reminder of house rules. “I know you had a hard day, but please be gentle with your brother. He missed you and just wants you to play together“.
# 6: Make adjustments if necessary. I sometimes separate my HSC from his brother if things become rough. I ask my HSC to stay with me while preparing dinner and tell me more about his day. Moreover, I praise him every time he exhibits self-control in triggering situations.
References
McLeod, S. A. (2018). Preoperational stage. Simply Psychology. www.simplypsychology.org/preoperational.html
Li Z, Sturge-Apple ML, Jones-Gordils HR, Davies PT. Sensory processing sensitivity behavior moderates the association between environmental harshness, unpredictability, and child socioemotional functioning. Dev Psychopathol. 2022 Jan 18:1-14. DOI: 10.1017/S0954579421001188. Epub ahead of print. PMID: 35039104
Elaine Aron (2022). The Highly Sensitive Person, www.hsperson.com
