“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals.”
Henry Ford
We wish our children to grow into happy adults with well-respected jobs and a large social circle. Also, we know that the key to social success is having the ideal personality admired in our culture. And our society admires bubbly, assertive people, the ones that are the life of the party, love taking risks, and being in the spotlight. But your HSC is nothing like that, right? They are likely opposites.
So what do you do? As somebody familiar with the struggles of daily life, you’ll feel worried that your child won’t be able to cope with our reality. They need to toughen up, you’ll think. There’s no other way.
But what if there is? Like orchids, highly sensitive children will do poorly or exceptionally depending on their environment. They need your unconditional support to blossom. Their home environment is crucial during early childhood, which is the period when the brain develops most rapidly.
Our brain cells form one million new connections every second, with every unique experience and memory. Unfortunately, our brain better remembers negative experiences because it spends more time dwelling on them. A highly sensitive child will likely have a lot of struggles to meditate on, most of them stemming from the fact that their personality is far from the Extrovert Ideal.
Let’s dive in to learn about the most common challenges of highly sensitive children and how to cope with them.
In this article, you’ll learn:
- What a highly sensitive child (HSC) is
- Challenges highly sensitive children face
- How to cope with challenges.
What is a highly sensitive child (HSC)?
According to scientists, highly sensitive children are like orchids – they thrive in the right environment. Dr. Elaine Aron, who popularized the term, says that high sensitivity, or sensory processing sensitivity, is a character trait that one in five people has.
So about 20% of the population is born highly sensitive. In other words, it means that four kids are likely sensitive at a birthday party with twenty children. The other partygoers will probably label them as slow-to-warm-up or shy since about 70% of highly sensitive people (HSP) are introverts.
Frequently, HSCs are the ones who will leave the party early because they are tired. Then, they generally complain in private, to their parents, about the music, the food texture, and the rambunctious kids that run around as if they own the place.
Scientists say high sensitivity is genetic. So if your kid is sensitive, they probably get it from the parents.
The trait comes with many gifts: rich inner life, creativity, ability to find out-of-the-box solutions, attention to detail, conscientiousness, and empathy.
But high sensitivity has its challenges, and for this reason, parents need to learn what sensitive kids struggle with daily and adapt their family life for little ones to thrive.
Here are the eight biggest challenges highly sensitive children face and how you can support your HSC:
1. Making friends is challenging for HSCs.
Jessica, mother of 5-year-old Joshua, says: “He’s slow to warm up kid. Even for recess, he likes to find a quiet place and just sit there. He will sit on the bench and watch the others play”.
Emotional children generally have a hard time interacting with others on playdates or at school. For instance, sensitive children may feel that other kids already playing together won’t include them in their games because they overanalyze. In addition, the fact that they don’t like small talk makes things even harder. For these reasons, they often dislike school, don’t make friends easily, and have a hard time at drop-off.
How to help your HSC:
If your kid feels like an outsider at school, talk to the teacher to help her make friends. Additionally, other options include role-playing at home and taking up sport, music, or something else they are passionate about, which would boost their self-esteem.
Moreover, make small playdates with close friends a priority. Lots of positive social interactions will help reduce their anxiety.
Also, consider the fact that sensitive children usually enjoy playing by themselves. Try not to assume your kid needs to attend a social skills program unless she seems disturbed by playing alone. Most often, sensitive children are happy to decompress quietly. They find equilibrium in a low-key environment. So instead of worrying that they don’t have any friends, listen to their cues. Pushing your kid to be more outgoing can teach her to mask instead of being herself.
What’s more, some kids are not shy, but they don’t like making conversation. Instead, they enjoy playing games where they don’t have to talk a lot, like tag or heroes and villains.
2. Extra judgment and labeling sink deeply.
Most people are extroverted and don’t get what it is like to be highly sensitive. So they often spurt out, “What’s wrong with her?” “Oh, isn’t he shy!” and “She needs to come out of her shell.”
Unfortunately, your kid is likely to come across this attitude a lot. It hurts parents to see their offspring struggling to cope with the extra judgment, as it is already hard for them to interact or make friends.
How to help your HSC:
Your child needs to know that you have their back, so here are some polite ways to address it:
- “She’s not shy. She’s insightful. She’ll talk when she’s ready.”
- “He’s not shy. He’s talkative with people he knows well”.
- “She doesn’t feel like talking right now, and that’s okay.”
- “I see it differently. He is observant, and that’s alright.”
- “There is nothing wrong with him, he has a different personality to yours, and that’s okay.”
- “There’s nothing wrong with her. Everybody’s different”.
Try letting your child know that it is alright to be precisely how they are and make friends only with people who make them feel comfortable.
If your kid can’t talk yet, let people know that she needs a little time to warm up if they seem pushy. Also, you could take her in your arms when you see somebody, say a nosy relative, pick her up against her will.
Also, teach your child that shyness is an emotion that we all feel from time to time. In certain situations, it’s alright to say to yourself, “I feel shy right now.”
3. The feeling of not belonging can become burdensome.
Sometimes and with the best intentions in mind, parents encourage their sensitive children to be more sociable when it’s clear that they are not in the mood. But if we try to nudge them out of their comfort zone too often, our sensitive kids will conform because they want to please us. Nonetheless, they might probably feel like they don’t belong. They learn to play the role, but they can’t relate to their bubbly peers deep down. Their differing personality can feel isolating.
Feeling misunderstood is a common struggle and, in time, may lead to self-isolation.
How to help your HSC:
The best way to help is to make your child valued. We feel valued when we are validated and appreciated; therefore, try to acknowledge your child’s feelings and love them for who they are. Also, it would help if you encouraged their interests, no matter how different they are from yours. For example, your boy may not become a professional football player, but they are still unique.
To feel accepted, make sure that they spend time with people that do not judge their temperament and accept them for who they are. In particular, try making play dates with their best friends a priority.
Also, don’t stress that they will receive negative feedback from people at some point. Your secure attachment and your child’s close-knit group of friends will make them resilient during times of stress.
Finally, teach them to practice words of affirmation. Here are some examples:
- I am kind.
- I am brave.
- I am smart.
- I am a good listener.
- I breathe slowly.
- I’ve got what it takes.
- I am smart.
- I am a good listener.
- I breathe slowly.
- I’ve got what it takes.
- I need to try my best; it’s all I can do.
4. Unforeseen changes are overwhelming.
Introverted sensitive kids are cautious by nature. They are prudent and have little experience dealing with the unknown. Hence, they frequently struggle to adapt to change. So when something unexpected happens, their body and mind go on overload.
How to help your HSC:
It’s best if you take your time to talk with your kid when something unexpected comes up. First, you might need to help them process their feelings and provide encouragement. Then, make sure to mention all the details, for instance, if they have to meet somebody new, when and where and why you cannot avoid this change in plans.
As for younger children, a transition object like a favorite toy can be enough to do the trick.
Also, try breaking their routine in fun ways from time to time. For example, most kids would be happy to go to the park after school or have ice cream on a school night.
Additionally, teach them coping strategies for changes that upset them the most. For instance, if they don’t like visiting grandpa because he always asks for a hug, politely refusing is a social skill they need to master.
5. Setting boundaries is challenging.
Setting limits and dealing with conflict usually make sensitive kids feel uncomfortable because of their empathy. They might get worried about hurting others and then feel guilty for saying “no.” However, healthy boundaries protect our wellbeing around others, so we shouldn’t postpone setting them.
How to help your HSC:
Try teaching your kid to focus on their safety and comfort and avoid feeling guilty for setting limits. Also, speaking up respectfully and firmly raises the chance that the interlocutor understands what they want. Yelling, instead, would silence the message because the other person will focus on the voice. Likewise, hiding behind mom and asking her to intervene could probably trigger an answer like “Why is she so shy?”
The best way to set limits for older kids who can name their emotions is to use I-statements.
| How to use an I-statement | Example |
| 1. Say how you feel. | “I feel angry… |
| 2. Describe non-judgementally the event that caused the feeling. | …when you borrow my favorite pen without asking… |
| 3. Describe the effect that event has on you. | …because I worry that you’ll lose it… |
| 4. Say what you want instead. | I need you to ask before you take it”. |
6. Minor criticism hurts deeply.
Emotional kids are sensitive to changes in tone and attention-drawing. Sometimes, they cannot even do fun things because of minor criticism. Then, almost always, they refuse to try again.
Other times, they feel embarrassed about seemingly small things like a stranger gently drawing attention. They may also become defiant and oppositional.
How to help your HSC:
Redirect gently and do not press the issue, as they will take their time to meditate on what happened.
- “That’s okay, let’s do something else. If you want to try again, we’ll come back later”.
- “Now you know exactly how to do it, and it will be easy next time.”
If they become angry and defiant, avoid saying “no.” Instead, say what they can do instead and then help redirect. For example, “Let’s play more gently in the water so we can help your brother keep his face dry.”
7. Things need to be perfect.
Perfectionism goes hand in hand with how a sensitive child’s brain works. They are conscientious, detail-oriented, organized, and empathetic. They always do the best they can. The downside is that they also have a harsh self-judgment.
That is why them making a mistake can turn into a full-blown tantrum. When HSCs believe they have failed, they get anxious and fear that they have disappointed you.
How to help your HSC:
To help your kid overcome toxic perfectionism, encourage them to see the positives, to see mistakes as opportunities to learn, and to be compassionate with themselves: Here are some examples:
- Show empathy: “You dropped the cake, that’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes”.
- Focus on the positives: “We still have muffins” or “We can have a cake smash.”
- Learning from mistakes: “Next time, we’ll buy a sturdy cake tray.”
8. Sensory issues complicate daily life.
Many families with HSCs have daily struggles caused by sensory issues: the socks are hurting, the seatbelt is too tight, the pants are itchy, the room is too hot, and the list can go on.
How to help your HSC:
The fastest solution is to practice prevention. But if the inevitable happens, be understanding and reassuring.
The easiest way to avoid your sensitive child getting distraught by sensory issues is to prevent them.
For example, if rough textures and seams may trigger a meltdown, you can try finding a brand they like and buy several identical items. If sudden noises scare them, you could purchase ear defenders, avoid loud music in the morning because it might distract them from getting ready for school, but maybe put relaxing music on before sleep.
Also, do lots of sensory play at home (examples include playing with food, play dough, sandbox, and sound tubes).
Finally, let go of the need for everything to look perfect and, instead, focus on how your child feels. Your relationship matters more than social etiquette.
Final Thoughts
Highly sensitive children’s struggles make them even more aware that they are different from the extrovert personality that our culture values. That is why our unconditional acceptance and willingness to support them through their challenges are crucial for building emotional resilience.
What are the biggest challenges your highly sensitive child faces most often? Please share with us how you managed to get through difficult moments. We would love to hear about your experiences.
