Believe me, if there were a magic way to swap out my child’s anxieties for pure confidence, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Let’s be honest, anxiety isn’t exactly a stranger in my own life either (shocker, right?). So, when my child started struggling with it too, well, let’s just say my own anxiety went into overdrive.

One of the many amazing things about children with anxiety? They’re incredibly sensitive to the emotions around them. No matter how hard I tried to hide my own worries, my daughter would pick up on it like a superpower. And guess what? That just fed his anxiety even more. It became a cycle.

Around the time she was 5 or 6 years old, I read Dan Siegel’s and Tina Bryson’s book “The Whole-Brain Child”. They said that our brain has two parts – the rational brain and the emotional brain, and that in the emotional brain there a little, almond-shaped structure, called the amygdala. The amygdala helps us remain safe. It is where all our emotions come from, but sometimes when we have big emotions, the amygdala takes things too seriously and keeps us from thinking clearly. The good thing though, it that all emotions come and go.

When I told my kiddo that all emotions are normal, and that they come and go, I saw relief on her face. She resonated with this message (“All emotions come and go.”)

That’s not to say that my kiddo never felt anxious again. She’ll probably always struggle with anxiety due to her highly sensitive temperament. However, she learned to get through those big emotions faster. She felt more in charge of those uncomfortable feelings, knowing that they eventually fade away. Eventually, it became easier for her to say “I feel worried.”

If you feel that your child spends too much time worrying instead of enjoying their childhood like their friends do, if you feel that they are missing out on opportunities, then check out the Anxiety Bundle For Children. It has easy-to-follow activities for kids, and engaging calm cards and posters that you can print and hang in your child’s calm corner.

On top of making our little ones feel loved unconditionally, here are ten strategies that can help children with anxiety:

10 Ways Parents Can Help Highly Sensitive Children Manage Anxiety

1. Normalize All Emotions, Including Anxiety  

As parents, it’s natural to want to shield our children from any discomfort. But anxiety, like all emotions, is a normal part of growing up. It can be a signal that your child is aware of their surroundings and cares deeply. Just like feeling happy or excited, anxiety serves a purpose, even if it feels unpleasant at times.

By acknowledging and validating kids’ anxious feelings, we create a safe space for open communication. Additionally, normalizing anxiety reduces feelings of shame: when a child sees their worries dismissed or minimized, they can feel ashamed for feeling that way.

2. Validate instead of dismissing worries

We all want to support our children and minimize their worries. However, sometimes phrases like “It’s all in your head” or “Don’t worry about it” can unintentionally make them feel dismissed.

Instead, let’s focus on validating their feelings and showing empathy. Saying something like, “I understand you’re feeling anxious right now, and that’s okay. It’s normal to feel worried sometimes” lets your child know their feelings are valid and you’re there to listen. Feeling that their voice matters is crucial for children with anxiety.

3. Build a coping strategies toolbox with different tools to try out

Creating a toolbox with lots of coping strategies allows children with anxiety to try out various tools and see what works for them. You can even keep track of what helps them.

If all this sounds a bit overwhelming, start here:

• Download My Calming Tools Poster, which you can print and hang in your child’s calm corner or on your fridge.
• Download for FREE the Coping Tools Tracker.

The most important thing to remember about emotional regulation coping tools is that we need to try them out when everyone’s calm.

4. Work on your relationship with your child everyday

In our busy world, carving out quality time with your child can feel like a luxury. But those moments of connection are more crucial than ever, especially for children with anxiety or are highly sensitive. Think of it as building an emotional bridge. Regular interaction allows you to truly understand their world, their worries, and their joys.

This open communication is vital for addressing anxieties and navigating challenging emotions. Highly sensitive children, who are more likely to feel anxious, thrive on the sense of security and support that comes from quality time. It reassures them that they’re loved and understood, empowering them to face the world with a little more confidence. So, put down the phone, silence distractions, and invest in those precious moments of connection. It’s a small daily investment with lifelong benefits for your child’s emotional well-being.

5. Teach your child deep breathing exercises

Just a few minutes of deep breaths can be a game-changer for managing anxiety.  It sounds basic but it’s effective when you get the hang of it.

When your child feels anxious, their body goes into fight-or-flight mode. Deep breathing acts as a natural brake, slowing their heart rate and sending calming signals to the brain. This helps them regain control of their emotions and approach situations more clearly.

Think of it like hitting the pause button on a stressful moment, for example at bedtime, or when it’s time for going back to school.

The best part? Deep breathing is a skill they can carry with them throughout their lives. So, take a deep breath together today – you’re teaching your child a valuable skill for a calmer, more confident future.

Since it might take some time to find deep breathing exercises that your kiddo actually likes, I created these engaging Deep Breathing Exercises for kids. Check them out:

6. Do yoga together to relieve anxiety

Through yoga and breathing exercises kids learn to tune into their bodies and emotions.  This self-awareness empowers them to manage anxiety, improve focus, and build resilience. 

What’s also great about yoga is that it can be a family affair!  Doing yoga together strengthens your bond with your child. Sharing laughter and creating positive memories during practice fosters a sense of connection and trust.  So, grab a yoga mat, turn on some calming music, and enjoy quality time with your little yogi!

If you don’t know where to start, we’ve prepared this amazing My Yoga Poses poster for you.

7. Storytelling can be a powerful tool for children with anxiety

Stories can evoke a range of emotions, allowing kids to experience uncomfortable emotions in a safe and controlled way. This can be especially helpful for big negative emotions like sadness or anger.

Plus, they foster empathy. Children with anxiety can connect with the characters’ struggles and challenges, realizing they’re not alone in experiencing uncomfortable feelings.

Additionally, stories can be a great conversation starter for when your child has had a difficult day and refuses to talk about it.

8. Children with anxiety thrive on routine

Picture your child’s world as a bustling city. For children with anxiety, this city can feel overwhelming – noisy traffic, unpredictable detours, and unexpected crowds. A consistent routine acts like a reliable map, guiding them through their day. Knowing what to expect, from wake-up time to bedtime rituals, provides a sense of control for children who are sensitively-wired.

Routines also establish clear boundaries, which make parenting easier.

9. Exercise is great for children with anxiety

Exercise promotes the release of endorphins, the body’s natural mood elevators. These biochemical changes have a calming effect, helping children with anxiety to feel better.

Physical activity also provides a healthy outlet for pent-up energy, and it shifts focus from worries to the inherent joy in jumping, running, or dancing.

Here are other physical activities your kiddo might enjoy: jump rope, freeze tag, hula hoop, fly a kite, and jump on a trampoline.

10. Manage your own worries

Preventing our own negative thoughts from spiraling out of control is tough. I get it. It’s something that I struggle with almost every day. But managing our anxiety is crucial if we want our children to keep their worries in check.

One way to reduce the effect of your anxiety onto your child is to meditate. Here’s a simple meditation technique you can try: observe your thoughts as they come and go, without acting upon them, for 5-10 minutes every day. If your mind keeps wandering (it will!), focus your attention on your breath without judgment. Alternatively, bring your awareness to your body: notice the sensations in your toes, arms, or chest.

You can also take some time to do something kind for yourself. Take a hot shower, call a good friend, listen to an audio book, or go outside. Check out the Self-care for Parents Poster below for more ideas! This will not only help you build anxiety coping skills, but also model healthy ways of managing anxiety for your child.

Remember, you’re not alone. Lots of parents struggle with anxiety and feel burnt out, and it’s okay to ask for help. 

By trying out different coping tools that work for yourself, by taking short self-care breaks every other day, you’re also taking care of your child. 

These are valid questions that parents ask themselves when kids go into a full-blown outburst. You see…

Setting screen time boundaries and the after-screen meltdowns are major source of frustration and guilt for parents. Think about it…

It’s tempting to say yes to “one more level” or another TV show when the alternative is a meltdown. Especially as that means you can do some house chores or just enjoy a well-deserved self-care break…on Instagram or Netflix, obviously. But what does excessive screen time do to your child’s brain?

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths.

In this article, we’re going to explore how screens affect kids’ brains and we’re going to talk about how to set screen boundaries without yelling, lecturing, or using threats.

The negative effects of excessive screen time on kids

1. Too much screen time leads to trouble focusing

The fast-paced content on screens can shorten attention spans. It can also make it difficult to focus on complex tasks. That can lead to difficulty in school and low frustration tolerance.

A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association Pediatrics suggests a link between excessive screen time in babies and delays in their development by age 4. Researchers tracked nearly 8,000 children, asking parents about screen time at 1 year old and then assessing developmental skills at ages 2 and 4. Babies who spent more than 4 hours a day on screens showed delays in communication, problem-solving, fine motor skills, and social skills.

Another study by the National Institutes of Health revealed that kids glued to screens for over 2 hours a day scored lower on thinking and language tests. And it gets worse. Excessive screen time (we’re talking 7+ hours daily) has been linked to a physical shrinking of the brain’s cortex, the part responsible for critical thinking.

2. High screen time may lead to atypical sensory processing

According to a study by Drexel University, babies and toddlers (50% male) exposed to too much screen time are more likely to have sensory seeking or sensory avoiding behaviors.  For example, they may get bored quickly and seek more intense stimulation, or they may be overwhelmed by bright lights and loud sounds.

3. The blue light from screens can lead to sleep struggles

Blue light from screens can disrupt sleep patterns impacting overall physical health. Not getting enough sleep can lead to trouble focusing in class, to outbursts and irritability.

4. Excessive screen time contributes to anxiety and depression

Constant exposure to fast-paced content and unrealistic portrayals on screens, online bullying, and violent content can contribute to anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. This is especially true for highly sensitive kids, due to their heightened sensory processing and emotional intensity.

5. Excessive screen time limits face-to-face interaction

Face-to-face social interaction is crucial for developing social skills and empathy. Excessive screen time can limit these opportunities and lead to feelings of isolation. Unfortunately, kids may feel safer and more at ease in the virtual world than in real life.

What are the signs that my child is overly exposed to screens?

Here are some signs that your child might be overly exposed to screens:

• Irritability and tantrums: When screen time is abruptly stopped, children who are overly exposed might experience withdrawal symptoms like irritability, frustration, or even tantrums.
• Difficulty managing emotions: Children who rely heavily on screens for entertainment might struggle with emotional regulation and coping mechanisms for dealing with boredom, frustration, or disappointment.
• Difficulty focusing and short attention span: Excessive screen time can be linked to decreased attention spans, making it hard for children to focus on tasks that require sustained concentration.
• Social isolation: Children who spend a lot of time on screens might become less interested in face-to-face interactions and social activities, preferring to be alone with their devices.
• Increased screen time preoccupation: If your child constantly talks about screens, begs for screen time, or hides their screen use, it could be a sign of unhealthy dependence.
• Anxiety and depression: Exposure to violent content, online bullying, or unrealistic portrayals on social media can contribute to feelings of anxiety, depression, or dissatisfaction.
• Low self-esteem: Constantly comparing themselves to unrealistic online portrayals can negatively impact a child’s self-esteem and body image.

How to set screen time boundaries that you actually follow through

1. Set screen time boundaries together

Create a plan with screen time rules. Consistency is key so make sure you set realistic boundaries. Don’t just enforce rules without explanation, especially if your children are older. Talk to them about the benefits of limiting screen time and how it helps everyone in the family be more present and connected. Write your plan down and post it somewhere where everyone can see it.

Here’s a script you can utilize for this: “What are some ways you think we can manage screen time better? Maybe we can come up with a screen time plan. I’m thinking of including some screen-free zones in the house or setting time limits together. What do you think?”

2. Offer emotional validation when you impose screen time boundaries

Sometimes children zone out when watching a TV show or playing on their IPad. No matter how many reminders you give them (“10 more minutes, honey, and then screens off!”, “5 more minutes!…), they still have an after-screen meltdown with screaming and kicking. That leaves parents feeling frustrated and overwhelmed.

Though it’s hard, one thing that helps in the heat of the moment, is to remind yourself that your job as a parent is not to keep your child happy and entertained 100% of the time. Instead, Instead, your role is to make the best decisions for their wellbeing. When we understand that, we’re better able to remain calm when our kids struggle with screen time boundaries. So, think of their outbursts as an opportunity for them to learn how to manage their frustration. All you have to do is to remain emotionally present without giving in. Here’s how emotional validation might sound like,

“I hear you. It’s hard giving up your phone when you don’t want to”, or “Honey, it’s time to put down the device like we talked about. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too.”

Remember also to give grace for example when the time is up and they are finishing a video game. Just like you’d like to receive grace when you’re finishing a text message.

Side note: If you’re tired of your child’s after-screen meltdowns, try our FREE Feelings Check-In. It will help your child identify their emotions better which can help prevent an outburst. The freebies has a set of calming tools for kids (and adults, too) to try when they are on the verge of exploding.

As a reminder, it’s best to discuss about emotions and coping tools when everyone’s calm. That’s because when your child is in fight or flight mode, they won’t be able to listen to you lecturing them about appropriate behavior.

3. Give choices when enforcing screen time boundaries

Choices make kids feel empowered and they are particularly important for sensitive and spirited children, “Legos or screen time? What would you prefer to do after lunch today? We can always set a timer for screen time later if you’d like.”

4. Keep tablets, computers and TVs in open areas of your home

Keeping screens in the shared space of your home allows you to naturally monitor the shows your kids watch, the games they play, and the websites they visit while they enjoy screen time.

5. Have screen-free zones in your home

Designate certain areas of the house, like bedrooms or the dinner table, as “screen-free zones” to encourage other forms of interaction.

6. Create a screen schedule

Work with your child to create a daily or weekly schedule that allocates specific times for screen time and other activities, like at meals or before bed.

At the same time, it’s also important to make life full of opportunities where screen time is less desired or needed: encourage outdoor play, and sports, and plan activities together as a family.

7. Create tech-free time

Kids of all ages should learn that there are specific times of the day when no one in the family uses screens, like at meals or before bed. Even better, you can have a day every week when you do something fun as a family, no screens allowed.

8. Help your kids discover other ways to have fun

Kids who spend too much time glued to the screens often complain that they have nothing else better to do. (Side note: Want to teach your child how to entertain themselves? Read this article)

That’s why it helps to keep other options around and ready – art supplies, books, legos, and bikes. Anything to stimulate their imagination.

Another idea is to schedule time together and with friends: playdates, family game nights, or other groups that encourage face-to-face interactions.

9. Explain why screen time boundaries are necessary

Talk to your child about the benefits of limiting screen time. Explain how it can improve their sleep, focus, and overall well-being. Discuss the effects of screens on the brain, particularly how some games are designed to be addictive. These games can leave you feeling unsatisfied, wanting to play more and more.

Compare this feeling to the joy of watching a movie together as a family. Sharing experiences and laughter creates a different connection than passively watching endless episodes, regardless of the show’s quality. While both screens and activities can be fun, they have different impacts on our brains and ultimately our behavior.

10. Be prepared to explain why other families have different screen time boundaries

After spending hours glued to the TV at a friend’s house, your kids might question why the rules are different at home. Use these moments as opportunities to discuss your family’s values around screen time.

11. Lead by example: reduce your screen time

Instead of reaching for your phone when bored or waiting, model alternative activities. Read a book, listen to music, do some chores, or simply observe your surroundings.

Also, when interacting with your kid, actively listen and engage. Avoid checking your phone constantly or using it as a distraction during conversations or playtime.

Another way to help kids learn how to use their designated screen time is to help them choose educational apps, games that promote learning (Minecraft), or apps that encourage creativity.

It’s also best to discuss responsible online behavior if your child is older: talk openly about responsible online behavior, like cyberbullying awareness and online privacy.

12. Use parental controls

Most devices offer parental control features that allow you to set time limits, block certain websites or apps, and restrict access during specific times.

Also, consider using content filtering software or apps to ensure your child is only accessing age-appropriate content online.

Take-Home Message

If you’re like most parents, screen time causes daily battles in your home.

But, unlike what most of us believe, the secret to creating a calm household is not to limit screens as much as possible. That’s not practical in today’s world. Instead, the secret is to help children develop a healthy and balanced relationship with technology.

Many deeply feeling children are loving and kind, and do well in school, but often they’ll come home and have outbursts. If you are the main caregiver, you probably take the brunt of the emotional outbursts. These fits can be a source of frustration and confusion – for both you and your child.

So why do 9-year-olds have emotional meltdowns?

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths.

Understanding emotional meltdowns in a 9-year-old

Nine-year-olds are more complex than adults give them credit. Their bodies are changing, their emotions are intensifying, and their friendships become more important – all at the same time. This exciting phase can also be a recipe for meltdowns that leave your child feeling a bit lost, and you feeling tired and frustrated.

Here’s a deeper look at some of the key factors contributing to meltdowns in this age group:

• Developmental hurdles: Your child’s brain is undergoing significant changes in the pre-teen years, affecting their ability to regulate emotions. Strong feelings like anger or sadness might feel overwhelmed by strong feelings like anger and sadness, and lack the maturity to express them effectively. In addition, feeling ashamed and vulnerable because of how they feel can also fuel the anger.
• Need for independence and low frustration tolerance: The desire for independence is strong at this age. They want to do things on their own terms, but their skill level and low frustration tolerance (many deeply feeling children get easily frustrated) can sometimes clash. This mismatch can lead to outbursts when things don’t go according to their plan.
• Sensory sensitivities: Many children have sensory sensitivities that contribute to meltdowns. Overstimulation from loud noises, bright lights, or uncomfortable clothes can be overwhelming and trigger outbursts. If you feel that your child struggles with sensory issues, check out our FREE 8 Sensory Cheat Sheets to understand the sensory needs behind a tantrum and learn easy sensory play ideas.
• High-demand environment: Some children thrive when raised using a low-demand parenting approach. That’s because constant demands at school and home can feel overwhelming for some kids, leading to challenging behaviors.
• Being a highly sensitive child: Some children are simply wired to be highly sensitive. They are more sensitive than kids their age. They process information, emotions, and sensory input more intensely than others. This can make them more susceptible to feeling overwhelmed and experiencing emotional meltdowns in situations that might seem ordinary to others. Moreover, some highly sensitive children also have underlying conditions like anxiety, ADHD, autism or learning difficulties.

Sensitivity makes 9-year-old tantrums more frequent

Occasional meltdowns might seem typical for a child, but frequent ones can be a clue that something deeper might be going on. For many kids, it could be a sign of high sensitivity. Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is a personality trait shared by about one third of people, both kids and grown-ups! Psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron first coined the term “highly sensitive person” about 30 years ago.

Highly sensitive kids see the world differently. They tend to be super empathetic and super in tune with the world around them. However, this same trait can also make them more prone to feeling overwhelmed than their peers. Without unconditional love and support, and understanding tailored to their unique needs, those big feelings can easily turn into emotional meltdowns.

Here are some telltale signs that your child might be a highly sensitive child (HSC), deeply feeling child, sensitively wired kid (whatever term you choose to use):

Emotional Intensity:

• Big emotions: HSCs feel emotions deeply, both positive and negative ones. Joy can be overflowing, and frustration can quickly escalate into meltdowns. If you feel like your child goes from 0 to 10 in one second, check out our Feelings Check-In freebie to equip your HSC with practical coping skills.
• Lots of empathy: HSCs tend to be highly empathetic, picking up on the emotions of others easily. This can be overwhelming in crowded or emotionally charged situations.
• Easily upset: Sensitively wired kids might be more easily upset by criticism, disappointment, or even minor changes in routine.

Sensory Sensitivities:

• Picky eaters: Strong sensitivities to tastes, textures, or smells can make them picky eaters.
• Noise sensitivity: Loud noises, like sirens or crowded environments, can be overwhelming and trigger meltdowns.
• Touch sensitivity: They might dislike certain clothing textures, tags, or uncomfortable fabrics.

Social Interactions:

• Prefers quiet play: Overstimulation can be draining, so they might prefer quiet activities like reading or solo play over large group activities.
• Observant: Deeply feeling children might appear shy initially, but they are often keen observers, taking time to warm up to new people and situations.
• Needs more downtime: After social interactions, they need quiet time to recharge and process all the social cues and emotions they’ve picked up on.

Other Signs:

• Highly creative: Many deeply feeling children have a rich inner world and are highly creative. This can be expressed through art, music, or imaginative storytelling.
• Strong sense of fairness: They tend to have a strong sense of justice, often sticking up for what they believe in.
• Perfectionism: The desire to do things “right” can sometimes manifest as perfectionism, leading to frustration if expectations aren’t met. Perfectionism can then lead to anxiety, which can trigger emotional meltdowns.

These signs can vary from child to child, and the presence of a few doesn’t necessarily mean your child is highly sensitive. However, if you recognize many of these characteristics, it’s worth checking out our Highly Sensitive Checklist for FREE.

17 Tips For Managing Emotional Meltdowns in 9-Year-Olds

Before the Meltdown

The best defense against a meltdown is a good offense – by recognizing the warning signs and taking proactive steps, you can often head it off at the pass. Here are five key tips to help you manage emotional meltdowns in your 9-year-old before they erupt:

• Learn your child’s triggers: Every child has their own meltdown triggers. It could be hunger, lack of sleep, a change in routine, or overwhelming social situations.  Pay close attention to your child’s behavior and identify situations, emotions, or physical cues that typically precede a meltdown. Once you know the triggers, you can proactively manage them.
• Routine is your friend:  Children at this age thrive on routine.  Establish predictable routines for meals, bedtime, homework, and playtime.  Having a clear structure provides a sense of security and reduces anxiety, which can be a major meltdown trigger.
• Open communication is key:  Create a safe space for open communication where your child feels comfortable expressing their feelings – big or small.  Actively listen to their concerns and validate their emotions, even if you don’t always agree.  This will help them feel heard and understood, reducing frustration and the likelihood of emotional meltdowns.
• Teach your child with coping skills:  Equip your child with healthy coping mechanisms to manage strong emotions before they reach a boiling point.  Deep breathing exercises, body scan, mindfulness techniques, movement strategies or using an emotions journal can be powerful tools.  Practice these techniques together during calm moments, so they become readily available when needed.
• Offer choices:  Nine-year-olds are yearning for independence.  Offer them choices whenever possible, even if it’s something simple like picking out their outfit or choosing a snack.  This sense of control empowers them and reduces frustration that might otherwise lead to an outburst.

During the meltdown

When the meltdown hits, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But remember, staying calm is key to helping your child navigate the storm. Here are five easy tips to guide you through the meltdown itself:

• Shift the focus on your emotions: It might sound counterintuitive, but the most important thing parents can do is to remain mindful of their own emotions during an outburst.  Your child is feeding off your energy, and a calm presence will provide a sense of security and stability.  Take deep breaths, remind yourself it’s temporary, and project a sense of calmness even if you don’t entirely feel it. 
• Respect their space (unless safety is at risk):  The urge to give your child a hug might be strong, but sometimes offering them space is the best approach.  Ask them what they need and let them know you’re there for them if they need you.  This allows them to work through their emotions in their own way.  However, if safety is at risk, intervene calmly and firmly to prevent them from hurting themselves or others.
• Validate their feelings: Don’t try to minimize their emotions by saying things like “It’s not a big deal” or “Don’t be silly.”  Instead, acknowledge their feelings with empathy.  For example, you could say, “I see [insert problem] makes you feel frustrated right now” or “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed.”  Validating their emotions helps them feel heard, which helps them go back to calm more quickly.
• Use “I” statements:  Instead of placing blame, use “I” statements to express concern.  For example, “I feel worried when you yell” is more effective than “You shouldn’t be yelling.”  “I” statements help set boundaries while keeping the focus on the situation, not the child.
• Minimize distractions: During an outburst, your child’s senses might be overloaded.  Remove any unnecessary distractions. For example, walk away from loud noises and crowds, and find a quiet place to calm down.

After the meltdown

The aftermath of a meltdown can be delicate. Your child might be feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or simply exhausted. It’s also a great moment to connect. Here are seven tips to help you navigate the post-meltdown phase:

• Reconnect: Once the storm has passed and both of you are calm, try to reconnect. This could be a hug, a shared activity you both enjoy (like doing a puzzle together), or simply watching a movie together. 
• Talk it out (without blaming): When everyone is calm, have a conversation about what triggered the outburst or the meltdown. Avoid blaming or criticizing your child. Instead, use open-ended questions to understand what triggered the meltdown.  For example, “What happened before you got so upset?”, or “What could have helped you feel calmer?”  This conversation helps you identify potential triggers and brainstorm solutions together.
• Positive reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise your child’s efforts to calm down after the meltdown.  You could say, “I’m so proud of how you calmed yourself down by taking deep breaths” or “It’s great that you used your coping skills to feel better.”  Positive reinforcement encourages them to continue using those healthy strategies in the future.
• Problem-solve together: Now that you understand the triggers, work together to brainstorm solutions.  This empowers your child and creates a sense of ownership over managing their emotions.  For example, they might need to communicate their needs earlier, request a quiet space when feeling overwhelmed, or agree on a “calm down” signal when they need a break.
• Celebrate your child’s strengths: Focus on your child’s superpowers to fuel your patience when you feel tired and frustrated by their behavior. Their outbursts might be loud but with a little understanding, you can teach them how to navigate those big feelings.
• Prioritize self-care: Dealing with frequent emotional meltdowns can be draining.  However, parenthood doesn’t equal martyrdom.  Remember to make time for yourself to replenish your energy reserves.  Whether it’s taking a relaxing bath, enjoying a hobby, or drinking coffee with a friend, taking care of yourself is key to helping you become the parent you want to be.
• Educate yourself about highly sensitive children: There are some great resources to help you understand highly sensitive children and how you can help them thrive. Elaine Aron, who coined the term “highly sensitive person” is a great way to start. Her book is “The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them”.

Our Big Feelings Child kit can also help you understand your child’s sensitivity. Packed with practical strategies and helpful scripts, the kit empowers you to become the parent you want to be. Uniquely, the kit includes a dedicated section for parents to focus on their own emotional well-being, empowering you to become the best parent you can be for your child. If you’re not ready for a deep dive yet, you can also check out our FREE Printables.

You are not alone.

And the good news is that there is something that you can do to help them manage anxiety.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths.

Our bodies have a built-in calming system and, in this article, we’ll explore how to activate it using fun and engaging exercises. 

What Is The Vagus Nerve?

Ever get that nagging feeling in your gut before a big decision? Or that sudden urge to bolt from a situation that just feels…off? These aren’t mere hunches! Turns out, your gut is talking to your brain thanks to the vagus nerve.

What it the vagus nerve? It is a long and important nerve in your body. Its name, “vagus,” comes from a Latin word meaning “wandering” because it branches out and connects to many organs throughout your body.  Think of it like a complex communication network that reaches almost everywhere.

The vagus nerve, also known as the tenth cranial nerve or cranial nerve X, originates in the brainstem and travels down through the neck, chest, and abdomen, innervating (providing nerve supply to) many organs. It is the longest nerve in the body and is part of the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body’s rest-and-digest response. Unlike the sympathetic nervous system, which is like your body’s “gas pedal” during stressful situations, the parasympathetic nervous acts as the “brake.” It helps your body slow down, relax, and focus on things like digestion and feeling calm.

The vagus nerve acts like a two-way street in your body. It gathers information from your organs, like your heart and stomach, about how they’re working. Then, it sends messages back from your brain stem to control things like digestion, heart rate, and even your mood.

There is growing interest in the potential therapeutic benefits of vagus nerve stimulation for a variety of conditions, including:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Epilepsy
• Inflammatory bowel disease
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Research suggests a relationship between the vagus nerve and conditions like anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and depression. This could be because the messages between the brain and body aren’t being sent or received properly.

How Vagus Nerve Stimulation Can Help Children With Anxiety

When a child’s brain receives signals from the vagus nerve indicating a threat, they might react with natural survival behaviors like fight, flight, or freeze. These are their instinctive responses to perceived danger.

Adults often try to calm them down with reasoning and talking. However, neuroscience tells us that during these moments, a child’s “thinking brain” (responsible for logic and reasoning) is temporarily unavailable. So, when logic won’t work, stimulating the vagus nerve becomes a powerful tool to help them calm down.

Stimulating your child’s vagus nerve can help them switch off fight-or-flight-or-freeze mode. By calming the nervous system, it sends a message to the brain that says “you are safe” instead of “you are in danger.”

Vagus Nerve Exercises

So how do we stimulate a nerve? It is quite simple actually.  Here are a few ideas to exercise that vagus nerve.

Remember that these exercises are most effective when we practice them on a regular basis, and not just when we are in stress mode.

Movement and Breathwork:

• Belly Breaths: Turn it into a game! Have your child lie down or sit comfortably and place a stuffed animal on their belly. Ask them to breathe in slowly through their nose, making the stuffed animal rise like a balloon. As they exhale slowly through their mouth, the stuffed animal falls.
• Animal Walks: Get active and silly! Act out different animals while making breathing sounds associated with them. For example, be a bear taking slow, deep breaths, or a panting dog with short, quick breaths.
• Yoga Poses: Many yoga poses incorporate deep breathing and gentle stretches, which can be calming for the nervous system. Look for child-friendly yoga routines online or consider a children’s yoga class.
• Tai Chi: Tai Chi is an ancient Chinese practice that combines gentle movements, deep breathing, and meditation.  Imagine a moving meditation where slow, flowing postures and focused breaths promote relaxation, improve balance, and reduce stress.

Sound Activities:

• Humming: Humming is a simple and effective way to stimulate the vagus nerve. Encourage your child to hum along to their favorite songs or make up their own silly hums.
• Singing: Singing, especially long sustained notes, can activate the vagus nerve. Sing along to songs together or have your child create their own melodies. Make it fun!
• Gargling: Gargling with water activates the vagus nerve similar to humming and singing. Make it fun by gargling silly sounds or pretending to be a monster.
• Laughing: tell jokes, read silly books, play games that crack you both up.

Other Techniques:

• Chewing Gum: Chewing sugar-free gum can help stimulate the vagus nerve. Choose sugar-free options and limit chewing time to avoid jaw fatigue.
• Gentle Massage: Give your child a gentle neck or ear massage. Focus on a light touch and ask them if the pressure feels comfortable.
• Cold Exposure: Briefly splashing cold water on your child’s face (avoiding the eyes), having them suck on an ice cube for a short time, or placing an ice pack on their face or neck, can activate the vagus nerve. Start slow and make sure they’re comfortable.
• Practicing gratitude: Sit down with your child at dinner, before bed or when they wake up and ask them to name three things they liked about their day whether they’re big or small. Repeat this every other day or how often it feels right for your family.
• Meditating: Meditation comes in many forms and doesn’t require long stretches of time. Consider using apps like Headspace, Calm, or Insight Timer for short, guided meditations – even five minutes can make a difference.

Every child is different, so try out a few vagus nerve power-ups to see which ones help your child most. The goal is to create an environment where they can embrace their inner calm. Then they’ll have the tools to tackle big feelings with confidence.

Sound familiar? Many HSCs resist simple requests. But here’s the secret: create a lower-demand lifestyle. Low demand parenting isn’t about letting them get away with everything. It’s about separating everyday demands into critical and non-critical, and learning to make requests in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your child.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths.

Why Low Demand Parenting Works For The Highly Sensitive Child

When I first learned the expression “low demand parenting”, I thought it was ridiculous. It sounded like an excuse for permissive parents. If your child’s been yelling, throwing things, and verbally abusing you, the last thing you want to do is ignore it, right?

But if you are going to make progress with your sensitive and defiant kid, there’s something you should know: many HSCs have neurodivergent traits.

They get easily overwhelmed by sensory stimuli. A lower-demand and predictable lifestyle creates a calm environment, which allows HSCs to feel safe.
What’s more, HSCs have differences in how their brains work. Some have anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD, or autism. Some have autism with a PDA profile.

What Is PDA?

PDA stands for “Pathological Demand Avoidance” or “Pervasive Drive For Autonomy”, an expression coined by Tomlin Wilding, a neuropsychology specialist, which better captures the need behind the behavior.

Even if your child doesn’t fully meet the PDA diagnosis, understanding the signs can be a game-changer. It can help you see the root cause of their behavior and create the calm home you deserve.

Children with PDA refuse to comply with requests when the requests threaten autonomy. For them, autonomy equals safety, and demands may be perceived as threats. Threats trigger their body’s danger response, and as a result, they may go into fight, flight or freeze mode.

Neurodivergent brains work differently from the rest. Differently wired kids are more inflexible, meaning that they have lower frustration tolerance. Thus, minor triggers, like everyday demands, sends them into a stressed state.

Most children who show signs of PDA also have extreme mood swings, because of their inflexible thinking and low frustration tolerance. When there’s a problem, some of them internalize: they withdraw and shut down emotionally. Others externalize and have more obvious emotional reactions, like screaming and crying.

Kids with PDA traits can be sweet and sociable when they are in control. However, when they feel like you want to control their behavior, they become anxious, controlling, and even manipulative.

Another trait of PDA kids is that they struggle with understanding hierarchy. For example, they want to be co-parents or co-teachers. That’s why they may struggle with authority figures.

Kids with PDA have a high need to control and can be creative. On the playground, they may like to engage in role-playing games and have a high need to control what other children are doing. As a result, they may go into conflict with the others.

Defensive strategies that PDA-ers employ are procrastination, becoming argumentative, trying to distract you, or outright refusing demands, even simple ones, like brushing their teeth or getting dressed. Unfortunately, these strategies can progress to panic, self-harm, and meltdowns when a child’s nervous system is overwhelmed.

So, how do you parent a child with a high need for autonomy?

How To Create A Lower-demand Lifestyle

Parenting a child with PDA traits can be challenging. With a constant stream of requests throughout the day, they are bound to get overwhelmed and defiant. This behavior can lead parents and teachers to repeat instructions more insistently, which unfortunately, just adds fuel to the fire.

Traditional parenting that relies on firm boundaries and consequences may not work for PDA kids because it triggers anxiety and resistance. This is where low demand parenting comes in.

Low demand parenting is all about helping kids feel less stressed and anxious so that they can meet demands that you consider critical for your family. It’s based on trust, collaboration, being flexible, working together, cutting out unnecessary demands, and making demands feel less overwhelming.

For kids with PDA tendencies, we want them to feel safe and secure, not like they’re in trouble. We need to create a safe space where they feel comfortable. This means understanding what makes them feel like they’re losing their autonomy and being willing to bend the rules sometimes to make things less overwhelming.

Here are some ways in which you can create a lower-demand lifestyle for children that have a high need for autonomy:

• Be a team:  Instead of giving orders, try collaborating on solutions with your child. This helps them feel like they have some control and reduces stress.
• Make demands feel less overwhelming: Instead of making direct demands (“I need you to…”), frame requests in a friendly way (“I wonder whether…”, “Let’s see if…”) and start with “please” to reduce the perception of demands. This makes your child less likely to feel like they’re losing their autonomy. Also, be aware of your tone, get down to their eye level, and be aware of your body language.
• Depersonalize demands. Explain that requirements are from a higher authority you have no control over (e.g. school assignments, doctor’s recommendations, police regulations)
• Give choices. Give your child two or three choices so that they don’t feel like you are controlling them. Avoid giving too many choices as that might be overwhelming.
• Give them time: Don’t rush your child to answer questions or make decisions. They need time to process information and feel comfortable.
• Be mindful of sensory overload: If bright lights or loud noises bother your child, try dimming the lights or using noise-canceling headphones. This will help them feel more relaxed.
• Think about the complexity of the tasks: The longer and more complex the task, the longer it takes to complete, which may lead to increased anxiety.
• Be aware of your energy. Sensitive kids pick up on our feelings easily so be aware of how your energy may impact the situation.

Focus On Non-negotiable Boundaries

Creating a lower-demand lifestyle is deeply personal. It’s about thinking of your own set of values (for example, “In our family, we never hit.”) and coordinating with the members of the entire family. If your child is old enough, you can include them in the process.

Non-negotiables or critical demands are based on your set of values, and so they are different for each family. For example, going to school can be a dealbreaker but eating dinner together as a family may not be.

Now that you’ve defined your non-negotiable boundaries, consider what you can relax on.  A good starting point is thinking about the hardest moments of the day with your child. For example, if mealtime is a struggle, you can stop asking them to eat certain foods or allow them to eat in their room sometimes. If bath time is a battle, you could have them take a bath every other day.

If you have a hard time dropping demands, think about what truly makes you think a certain demand is necessary. Many of our habits and ideas are tied to societal expectations; they are not necessary to keep our family healthy and happy.

Letting go of “should”, “shouldn’t”, and “I’m not going to let them get away with this”, will help us feel calmer and more relaxed. Once you’re less stressed, you can better help your child break free from the cycle, too.

Low Demand Parenting Versus Permissive Parenting

As you are reading this, you might be thinking, “This is crazy! If I ditch the daily bath rule, they’ll never shower!’ That’s a real concern. Letting go of control can be scary. But, low demand parenting isn’t about letting them do whatever they want. Boundaries are still important for everyone’s sanity and well-being.

In addition, lowering the demands on your child might mean increasing the demands on yourself. For example, when you don’t make your child clean up their room, you’ll have to do it. That is frustrating. That’s why making time for self-care is essential.

Plus, people who don’t understand will judge you. But there are other things that are more important than people’s judgement. I’m talking about your child’s mental health and about having a calmer home. Hopefully, you can be kind to yourself as you try this parenting approach.

Low demand parenting aims to keep your child’s anxiety low enough to handle the important stuff – the things that truly matter for your family. Having clear boundaries around these “must-haves” is key. This separates low demand parenting from permissive parenting. Permissive parenting lacks structure and clear expectations, which can actually make kids more anxious.

From birth, I noticed my baby had a high-strung nervous system. He didn’t enjoy getting messy, and loud noises or wind seemed to startle him. He started tantrums at twelve months. That’s pretty early for tantrums! I now know that he had big feelings that he was too young to articulate hence the outbursts.

However, I still feel that navigating parenting a deeply feeling child was the hardest thing I have ever done. For years, I felt alone and doubted my parenting skills.

To bring awareness to parents like myself, I created this article where I’ve brought together the telltale signs of a highly sensitive baby. This article can help learn early on if your child is highly sensitive so that you can let go of self-blame and provide them with the support they need.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths.

Here are the telltale signs of a highly sensitive baby:

1. A highly sensitive baby has big, big emotions that they cannot articulate yet, which makes them tantrum more often

Highly sensitive babies often have nervous systems that are more easily overwhelmed by stimuli. They experience intense emotions they’re still learning to express, which can lead to fussiness and later, tantrums. As they grow, these strong emotions might lead to labels like ‘strong-willed,’ ‘feisty,’ or ‘inflexible.’

Big feelings can make sensitive babies cry over things that wouldn’t bother others. For example, a minor fall at the playground might require a trip home, while other children bounce back. Similarly, a mommy and me class full of high-energy kids might be overwhelming for a highly sensitive baby who needs a calmer environment.

On the bright side, when their environment is calm and predictable, these babies can be very content and easygoing.

2. Sensitive babies are cautious around strangers and in new environments

Sensitive babies are slow to warm up around strangers and in new environments, whereas other babies are eager to explore. It’s not necessarily fear; they simply take more time to observe their surroundings. They may sit still and observe any noise – quiet and loud, and any person – quiet or loud. If something feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable, they’ll choose to stay close to their parents for comfort instead of rushing off to explore.

This preference for predictability and calmness extends to the adults they interact with. Highly sensitive babies often prefer adults who are more gentle, use a softer tone of voice, and make gentle contact before trying to engage them in play. These adults might offer to hold your baby but won’t try to take them from you right away. They understand that some babies are slow to warm up and see it as normal.

In a nutshell, your highly sensitive baby instinctively likes adults who respect boundaries. Thanks to their high sensitivity, your baby has an ability to pick out these adults.

As a highly sensitive child grows up, their inborn cautiousness can transform into anxiety if there’s too much pressure to act a certain way (for example, to greet people they don’t know, or to make friends with children they don’t like). They may also learn to mask their feelings as a way to fit in society. Unfortunately, that can lead to meltdowns at home where the child feels safe enough to express their big feelings.

3. A highly sensitive baby can have intense separation anxiety

Highly sensitive babies may develop more intense separation anxiety. Here are three potential reasons for that:

• More easily overwhelmed by stimuli:  Sensitive babies are often more easily overwhelmed by sights, sounds, and textures. This heightened sensitivity might translate to a stronger need for familiar faces and routines, leading to separation anxiety when those comforts are disrupted.
• Big emotions:  Another common trait in HSC babies is experiencing emotions more intensely. A brief separation from a caregiver might feel like a significant loss to them, triggering a stronger reaction compared to other babies.
• Strong attachment needs:  HSC babies are often very attached to their main caregiver. This intense bond is positive but can also lead to greater separation anxiety when that bond is temporarily broken.

4. A highly sensitive baby may have trouble sleeping alone

Highly sensitive babies may also experience intense bedtime anxiety. This can be because, by the end of the day, they’re overloaded from all the information they’ve taken in. Their brains are still developing and haven’t learned to process everything yet. So, by bedtime, they might feel too stimulated to settle down and sleep.

Moreover, many highly sensitive babies need the comfort of mom or dad close by to feel safe enough to sleep, unlike some other babies who are more independent sleepers. This need for physical contact is actually backed by science. Brain scientists have shown that physical connection helps calm the nervous system (think about how good a hug feels!).”

5. A highly sensitive baby may hate busy environments

Crowded places, birthday parties, large family gatherings, and even playdates with high-energy children can be too much for a highly sensitive baby. Here are a couple of reasons:

• Not knowing what to expect. Meeting lots of people usually means that you are taking the baby out of their daily routine (you don’t go to parties and family gatherings daily, after all). Getting out of the daily routine can unsettle your baby by itself because they don’t know what to expect.
• Extra noise, smell and touch stimulation. Highly sensitive babies often have sensory sensitivities, making busy or new environments feel like too much for them to handle. For example, they may hate loud or sudden noises. In addition, a bunch of people wanting to hold the baby, and the potential change in the baby’s sleep schedules can add to the overwhelm and lead to tantrums.

6. Highly sensitive babies can be sensitive to touch, making eating, clothing and bath time challenging

Touch is one of the most important senses for a baby. It helps them explore the world, feel safe and secure, and bond with their caregivers. However, some babies are more sensitive to touch than others.

Here’s how tactile sensitivity can influence a baby’s behavior:

• Discomfort with Certain Clothes Textures:  A highly sensitive baby might find certain textures irritating or even painful. This could include clothing tags, rough fabrics, or even the feeling of wet wipes.  They might react by crying, fussing, or pulling away from the touch.
• Bath Time:  Bath time, which can be a relaxing experience for some babies, might be stressful for a tactilely sensitive baby. The feeling of water pouring on their skin (especially on their face), the water temperature, or the sensation of soap might be overwhelming. They might cry, arch their back, or become fussy during bath time.
• Picky Eaters:  Tactile sensitivity can extend to food. A highly sensitive baby might reject certain foods due to their texture or temperature. This can make introducing new foods a challenge.
• Cuddles and Carry Time:  Some babies with a more sensitive nervous system might crave the comfort of touch (and love weighted blankets and swaddling as a soothing tool) while others may be easily overwhelmed by too much pressure or restriction (and hate baby carriers, for example).

5 Tips To Help Your Highly Sensitive Baby Thrive

1. Listen without stopping the feelings from flowing out

Whenever your baby gets upset, crying, or frustrated, get down to their eye level and simply be there for them. You don’t need to try to change anything right away. Offer a gentle hug or kiss to show you care. This way, you’re creating a safe space for their feelings and offering empathy. Remember, there’s no need to stop the feelings or “fix” anything immediately. Often, what babies need most is simply to feel safe and understood.

Here’s an important point: Highly sensitive children, including babies, pick up on our anxieties very easily. So, by staying calm and collected yourself, you create a safe space where your child feels comfortable expressing their emotions freely.

2. Give a warning before transitions

Highly sensitive babies are content and easygoing as long as they know what to expect.

That’s why it helps to give gentle reminders before transitions, and validate their emotions when they seem to struggle with moving on. So, if your highly sensitive child is upset about the sudden ending of an activity, warn them about the transition in advance next time. You could say, ‘It’s almost time to clean up now. Let’s say bye bye to the blocks!’ Then, if they still get upset, validate their feelings and name those feelings for them. ‘You were having fun building with the blocks! Now, you feel frustrated because it’s time to stop playing. It’s hard to say goodbye to something fun.’

3. Teach them basic sign language

Sensitive babies are highly observant, noticing everything around them. They’re also determined and know what they want. However, because they’re still developing their communication skills, they can easily get frustrated when they can’t express their needs. This frustration can often erupt in crying or tantrums.

Here’s where teaching sign language can be a game-changer. To avoid tantrums, try to teach your baby signs for “stop”, “more”, “please”, “finished.”

Here are some tips for introducing signs to your highly sensitive baby:

• Start early: You can begin teaching signs as early as 6 months old.
• Keep it simple: Focus on a few essential signs at first, like “more” and “stop.”
• Be consistent: Use the signs yourself consistently while saying the words clearly.
• Make it fun: Incorporate signs into playtime, diaper changes, and mealtimes. Keep it light and positive!

4. Encourage them to try new activities and meet new people but don’t rush them

Highly sensitive babies thrive on routine and may want to watch from the sidelines for a while before joining a group activity. This doesn’t mean they’re not interested; they’re simply taking time to observe and process what’s going on around them.

A step-by-step approach, like introducing them to a new environment gradually, works best for them. This allows them to process the new information in smaller chunks.  For example, if you’re going to a new playground, you could let them explore a quiet area first before venturing into the busier sections.

It’s important not to shield them from new experiences that make them feel uncomfortable. Sheltering them can send the message that you don’t trust their abilities to cope with new situations or that negative emotions are to be avoided.  Instead, guide them with calm and confidence. Be there for them, validates their emotions, and help them navigate new experiences at their own pace.

5. Equip yourself with a toolbox of calming tools

Emotional validation and co-regulation are incredibly helpful, but they cannot function without a set of calming tools when you have a determined, strong-willed baby that can’t be swayed.

Here is a list of calming tools to try with your highly sensitive baby. Have a look:

Visual calming strategies:

• Show them a high-contrast object: Black and white mobiles, colorful crinkle toys, or a brightly colored ball can capture their attention.
• Take them for a walk: A change of scenery can be stimulating and distracting. Pay attention to what catches their eye, like leaves blowing in the wind or birds flying by.
• Use a baby mirror: Self-discovery can be fascinating for some babies.
• Spend time outdoors: Nature has a soothing effect on our nervous systems, and it’s the same way for babies.

Auditory calming strategies:

• Sing or hum calming songs: Your voice is familiar and comforting. Try soft lullabies or gentle instrumental music.
• Play nature sounds: White noise machines or recordings of rain, waves, or wind can be surprisingly soothing.
• Use rattles or crinkly toys: The sound can be stimulating and distracting, but avoid loud or jarring noises.

Touch calming strategies:

• Swaddle them: A snug swaddle can mimic the feeling of being in the womb and provide comfort (if your baby tolerates it).
• Offer a gentle massage: Stroking their back, legs, or feet can be calming. Use baby oil for a smoother touch.
• Skin-to-skin contact: Hold your baby close, chest to chest. Your warmth and heartbeat can be very soothing.

Movement techniques:

• Rock them gently: The rhythmic motion can be very calming for some babies.
• Try babywearing: Carrying your baby close can provide comfort and security, while also freeing up your hands.
• Take them for a ride: A car ride or a walk in the stroller can sometimes work wonders.

Distraction Techniques:

• Blow bubbles
• Play peek-a-boo
• Read a story (even if they don’t understand the words, the sound of your voice and the colorful pictures can be engaging)
• Offer a teething ring or safe toy to explore
• Crinkle paper or make other interesting sounds
• Incorporate gross and fine motor activities in your play, like crawling, rolling, reaching, grasping, finger painting, and building blocks.

The secret for these tools to work is that they need to be child-led as much as possible. When children are in control, this gives them a sense of autonomy which reduces their stress hormones and thus helps with emotional self-regulation.

Moreover, child-led play allows children to explore and learn at their own pace.