Did you imagine parenting to be much easier?

Do you worry that you’re a bad mom?

If you are overwhelmed by parenting, know that you are not alone. According to Pew Research, about 41% of people say raising kids is tiring, and about 1 in 3 parents say that parenting is stressful all or most of the time.

Parenting is even more tiring if you also have a child who is easily frustrated and melts downs seemingly out of nowhere.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.

A lot of parental stress involves us feeling guilty that we have failed our kids and doubting our parenting style. But remember that perfect parents don’t exist and that this quest for perfection is harmful to our mental health. Moreover, a parent struggling with mental health issues, like burnout, anxiety and depression, can’t help a dysregulated child.

What happens if you‘re overwhelmed by parenting and you ignore your needs

Mom burnout can lead to depression and anxiety.  It can also make us yell more at our kids and not be as patient. If you are overwhelmed by parenting, slowing down and taking care of yourself is essential.

5 Strategies To Remain Calm Through a Meltdown

1. Change your perspective: tricky behaviors are signs of an unmet need

The way we see bad behavior shapes how our children behave.

When your child has a meltdown, it’s not because they’re being bad or because you’re a bad parent. It’s because they’re feeling overwhelmed, either emotionally or sensory-wise. Unlike tantrums, which are intentional behaviors, meltdowns are involuntary reactions to overload.

Meltdowns are a way for more sensitive children to express their intense emotions. It’s crucial to understand that your child isn’t trying to give you a hard time; they’re genuinely struggling to cope with overwhelming emotions.

Sensitive kids also have lots of outbursts (which are not necessarily meltdowns) out of sheer frustration and because they can’t handle disappointment. If we understand that their outbursts are a way of communicating unmet needs, we can help them express themselves in a more healthy way.

For example, instead of taking away privileges when a child is acting out, we can help them calm down by teaching them coping strategies (when they are calm) like taking a break, listening to music, or hugging a stuffed animal. When we show our children that we care about their feelings and want to help them, they’re more likely to learn how to manage frustration and disappointment in a healthy way. And as they learn to do this, they’re also more likely to become more cooperative and less likely to have outbursts.

The bottom line is that our kids’ meltdowns are not a sign of bad parenting. Remember that next time you feel overwhelmed by parenting a sensitive or differently wired kid.

2. Focus on yourself not on stopping the meltdown

Our role is to remain a kind and calm leader. How can you do that when you feel overwhelmed by parenting an explosive child?

One way is to shift the focus from what’s happening around you to yourself. Your job is not to stop the meltdown but to remain kind and calm throughout the meltdown.

When you feel like you’re about to burst, ask yourself these three questions (you may not be able to do this the first time, but the more you try, the better you’ll become):

#1. How will I feel about this problem tomorrow? Next week? Next year?

Our struggles nearly always ease with time. The sun always comes up tomorrow, as they say.

#2. Is this problem permanent?

A lot of children outgrow their meltdowns. But if you have a highly sensitive child, perhaps with a neurodivergence diagnosis, then your child will probably not outgrow their strong emotions on their own. But with your help, they can learn healthy coping skills to deal with those feelings. That means that their meltdowns will eventually reduce with the right help.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed by your child’s meltdowns, remember the power of “yet”:

• “My child hasn’t yet learned how to cope with their big feelings.”
• “I haven’t yet learned to remain calm during meltdowns.”

#3. Am I or my child in real danger?

Our brains are programmed to react instantly to danger. It’s how we survived when there were real threats around. But in the modern world, there are fewer real dangers. So when you feel overwhelmed by something, take a deep breath and think about if it’s really a problem or if it’s just in your head. If it’s a problem, break it down into smaller parts. You can deal with some parts now and some another time.

3. Don’t add more stimulation

When highly sensitive kids feel overwhelmed, they usually need a quiet place to calm down. If their room is sensory-friendly, that’s perfect. If not, find a quiet spot away from distractions. Instead of asking them open-ended questions like “What’s wrong?”, try more supportive ones like “Do you want a hug?” or “Can I sit here with you?”.

Open-ended questions can be overwhelming, so it’s better to focus on connection and to use short “yes/no” questions.

Don’t try to control the situation; let it happen. This will help you stay calm and take the pressure off your child. Be kind and let them know you love them and want to be there for them.

4. Connect the way your child wants and needs

Try to offer support throughout the meltdown the way your child wants and needs: some kids want hugs and kisses to co-regulate, while others want space.

If your child tells you to go away during the meltdown: Sensitive kids internalize often and may avoid talking about their feelings because they are so big and overwhelming. Showing empathy (“How are you feeling, buddy? You seem upset.”) doesn’t always work with these kids. How can you get through to them?

If this is your child, try this: share a personal story that resonates with their current experience (“I remember when I was [child’s age], this thing happened to me….”). Tell them how you coped with that challenge and how it helped you grow. Let your child lead the conversation and avoid making any reference to their experience unless they want to open up.

A quick tip: Do something relaxing together, and then start the conversation. You might try drawing, baking, working on a puzzle, or taking a walk.

5. Give yourself space to express your feelings, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by parenting a sensitive kid

Having to deal with our child’s big feelings and remain calm is hard. Remember that writing, drawing, and painting are powerful ways to cope with stress. Once your feelings are on paper, they don’t seem so overwhelming, like when they were just random thoughts in your mind. Moreover, reviewing your old journal entries or drawings is a great way to reflect on how much you’ve accomplished along the way.

There are many ways in which we can express our feelings, besides writing and journaling: some people like sports, spending time outdoors, playing with a pet, doing yoga, playing video games, or doing volunteer work. We are unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all calming strategy for an overwhelmed parent. Just remember to take it slow and find ways to release tension in a healthy way. You’ve got this!

Imagine you’re on social media and you’ve just read an excellent parenting script on encouraging your child to join others in play. You excitedly await the best moment to use the script on your child. And your child flat-out refuses.

You try another one and another one. Some of the scripts work, but just a couple of times until the effect wears off.

Why? The content is easy to grasp and science-approved, and your parenting expert has a million followers. How do these tips work on at least one million kids but not on yours?

Better said, what makes a kid willing to step outside of their comfort zone? How do you make a child willing to feel uncomfortable in order to grow? Particularly a deeply feeling child who goes so quickly into fight or flight?

The answer is simple: it all comes down to intrinsic motivation. How do we build that?

Before we dig deeper, please know that the answer isn’t short. And if you don’t have time now to read the article, you can save it and read it when you have time to spare: Send Me the Article in PDF (+ FREE Bonus).

Practice who you want to be every single day.

Michelle Obama

How To Help Your Deeply Feeling Child Find The Motivation To Overcome Any Challenge

Highly sensitive, deep feeling children have a more sensitive nervous system. They fight, flee, freeze, or fawn more quickly than others. That makes it tricky to make them take risks. If you don’t push them hard enough, they’re unlikely to step out of their comfort zone, but if you push too hard, they’ll likely feel overwhelmed.

The key is to find that sweet spot between comfort and stress, the “stretch zone” or the “learning zone.”

1. Make Challenges Manageable

People like challenges that they feel they can succeed at. The goal doesn’t necessarily have to be certain, but it needs to be achievable. Conversely, complex tasks often discourage us.

This is even more true for a deeply feeling child. We know that they are perfectionistic and don’t handle the fear of failure well. That’s why complex tasks or challenges that make them step outside of their comfort zone can feel intimidating. You might see your child go into stress mode just from hearing about what they need to do.

How can you motivate your sensitively wired, cautious child to take risks?

Celebrate Small Steps

Try to make sure that they have small wins and celebrate them. Celebrating small successes helps release dopamine in the body, which is the reward chemical in our brain. Dopamine reinforces the behavior that led to the win and motivates us to keep going.

How do you apply the small wins concept to a difficult task? One way to ensure small wins is to break down a complex task into smaller steps. Smaller steps mean more opportunities for small wins.

Returning to the example of the child not having the courage to join others in play, you can create a plan with your child similar to the one below:

• Play pretend. Pretend with your child that they are joining other children in play. Ask them what they would say and do.
• Practice in front of a mirror. Have your child smile and say, “Hi, can I play with you?” in front of a mirror. This will help them to practice their social skills and gain confidence.
• Start with close friends. Encourage your child to join their close friends in play. This will be a less intimidating environment for them to start in.
• Join others together with a friend. Have your child join other children in play with a more confident friend. This can help them to feel more comfortable and supported.
• Take it slow and steady. Don’t pressure your child to do anything they are not ready for. Let them take their time and work at their own pace.

Also, take a look at the example below, which is about a highly sensitive child who didn’t like to greet people, including his classmates. This mother broke down the task into more attainable steps:

Peer Power

Have you ever been afraid to do something, only to see a friend do it and say, “Hey, if my friend did it, I can too”? For example, exercising to lose weight, trying a new recipe, or maybe even starting a new business.

New or challenging tasks seem more doable when we see someone we know succeed at them. The power of peers is real. We watch and compare ourselves to others, which can motivate and challenge us. This applies to children as well.

Whenever your child is afraid to step outside of their comfort zone, try to find out how their friends have done it. For example, if your child doesn’t want to sleep alone in their room, suggest asking their friends, “Do you have your own room? Do you like having your own room?”

Or, returning to our first example, if your child doesn’t dare to join others in play, have them do it with a more confident friend. Deeply feeling children are highly perceptive and self-aware, so they’ll surely notice how their friend copes with challenges.

Provide An Anchor

When your child is learning something new, it can be helpful to build anchors, which are opportunities to use skills they already have. Anchors can help them feel more confident as they enter new territory.

Returning to the example of the child who doesn’t dare to join other children to play, here’s how to apply the anchor concept:

• Anchor: Your child loves to draw.
• Opportunity: You see a group of children drawing pictures on the sidewalk at the park.
• Encouragement: You approach the group of children and encourage your child to ask if they can join them (“I see that you’re watching the other children play. Would you like to join them? I’ll be here watching over you if you need me.”) You can stay with your child for a while to help them get started, and then you let them play on their own. Even if it doesn’t work as well as you expected, encourage even small wins (“I’m so proud of you for trying! Even if you don’t want to stay, I’m glad you gave it a try.”)

2. The Magic Of Self-Driven Time

When was the last time you did something for the pure enjoyment of it? Taken a long, scented bath? Planting flowers in your garden? Reading a book? These activities don’t come with a prize, and they don’t produce anything. But they make us happy. The reward of self-driven time is the positive emotion it creates.

Self-driven time is when we do something out of pure inner motivation. It is crucial for a deeply feeling child, who often needs more time and space to process their emotions and experiences.

Let Your Deeply Feeling Child Pick Challenges

Allowing your child to choose their own out-of-comfort zone activities can help them develop intrinsic motivation.

Work with your child to create a list of new activities they want to try. These can be small or big challenges, such as tasting a new food, taking up an after-school activity, or even saying hello to a neighbor. You can also include activities that they can do alone or with friends.

Once you have a list, turn it into an action calendar by scheduling specific times and days for your child to try each activity. After each activity, have your child reflect on how they felt, whether they would do it again, and what they would like to change next time.

Take Risks During Self-Driven Time

Think about what your child enjoys doing just for fun. For example, if your child loves water but is afraid to learn how to swim, take them to the pool and show them how to do it in a playful way. Focus on enjoying your time together and the learning process, rather than the result. Remember, it has to be child-directed.

Be A Role Model For Your Deeply Feeling Child

Children learn by watching the adults in their lives. When you show your child that you love trying new hobbies, you teach them that it is important to step outside their comfort zone and try new things. Talking out loud about your excitement and worries can help your child understand that it is okay to feel both excited and nervous about trying something new.

Another way to motivate your child to take more risks is talking about how heroes step out of the comfort zone and do great things. Discuss about their favorite cartoon hero or book character and how they overcome challenges.

3. Volunteering Can Help A Deeply Feeling Child Be More Self-Confident

According to science, we find pleasure in activities that give us a sense of meaning. Volunteering is one such activity.

Volunteering is a great way to help highly sensitive children increase their motivation to step outside of their comfort zone. It’s also excellent for sensitive kids because it’s a way to learn new skills without the pressure to perform.

Volunteering can help children to:

• Connect with others. Highly sensitive children often crave deep and meaningful connections with others. Volunteering allows them to build relationships with others who share their values.
• Make a difference in the world. Highly sensitive children are often compassionate and empathetic. Volunteering allows them to use their gifts to impact the world around them positively.
• Feel good about themselves. Volunteering can help highly sensitive children feel more confident in their abilities and gain new skills without being in the flashlight.

When choosing a volunteer opportunity for a highly sensitive child, it is vital to consider their interests and the skills they need to work on. Finding an appropriate opportunity for their age and developmental level is also essential. Here are some volunteering ideas:

• Helping out at a local church or synagogue
• Helping out at a local animal shelter
• Helping out at a community garden
• Volunteering at a museum or art gallery
• Helping out at a local sports team or recreation center.

Here are some tips for encouraging a highly sensitive child to volunteer:

• Start small. Don’t expect your child to commit too much time or responsibility at first. Start with a small commitment, such as one hour per week.
• Be supportive. Let your child know you are proud of them for volunteering and are there to support them.

Volunteering has many benefits for deep-feeling children: it allows them to practice social skills, be in new situations, and learn new skills in a way that doesn’t attract too much attention to themselves.

4. What’s The Worst That Could Happen?

For your child to step outside their comfort zone, ask them, “What is the worst that could happen if you do this? Is it really that bad?”

It’s essential that the child doesn’t feel scared by the consequences and that we don’t shame them if they fail. Sensitive children need us to act like a mentor who encourages them to experiment and helps them when they make mistakes.

Here’s an example:

Mother: Hey, honey. I see that you’re watching the other children play. Would you like to join them?

Child: No.

Mother: Okay. That’s okay. But have you thought about what’s the worst that could happen if you did join them?

Child: I don’t know.

Mother: Well, maybe the worst thing that could happen is that you’re not sure how to play with them. But that’s okay! You can learn. Or, maybe the worst thing that could happen is that you don’t have fun. But even then, you can always try something else. And you can always come back to me if you need to.

Child: I guess.

Mother: Now, what’s the best thing that could happen if you did join them?

Child: I guess I could make new friends.

Mother: That’s right! You could make new friends, and have a lot of fun. So, why don’t you give it a try? I’ll be right here watching over you.

Child: Okay.

Mother: I’m so proud of you for trying!

Here are some tips for using the “What’s the worst that could happen?” technique:

• Be patient and understanding. Your child may take some time to step out of their comfort zone, so celebrate small steps.
• Be honest with your child. Don’t try to sugarcoat things or minimize their fears.
• Help your child to see the bright side of things. Even if the worst does happen, there is always something to learn from the experience.

5. Parent Your Deeply Feeling Child A Little Less

As a parent to a highly sensitive child, I’m often overprotective because I feel that my child’s sensitivity makes them more vulnerable. However, this attitude isn’t helpful at all. For instance, my “Here, let me help you” attitude most likely makes them believe that they aren’t capable enough. Their tendency toward perfectionism usually makes things worse (“I’ll let Mommy do it because she does it better.”)

Intensive parenting can kill a child’s intrinsic motivation to find solutions to their problems and to try new things. To be resilient.

If you are overprotective like me, this advice is for you: parent your child a little less.

Parenting our children less means giving them more control over their environments and letting them find out what they want. This doesn’t mean neglecting your child or neglecting your parenting responsibilities. Instead, it means that you should give your child more control over their lives.

Parenting a child less can make them more self-driven. When children are given more control over their lives and can make their own choices, they learn to be more independent. They also develop a sense of control over their environment, boosting their self-confidence and motivation.

A Take-Home Message

We can’t push our sensitive children out of their comfort zone because they will become stressed instantly. Instead, it’s best for them to push themselves, which requires intrinsic motivation.

In this post, we’ve listed five ways to help your child find their inner motivation to step outside of their comfort zone:

• Make the challenge seem manageable. Break down large tasks into smaller steps and set realistic goals.
• Step outside of the comfort zone while doing something the child enjoys. This will help them to feel more comfortable and motivated.
• Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way to learn new skills and make a difference without the pressure to perform.
• Think about the worst that could happen. This can help children to realize that the risks of stepping outside of their comfort zone are not as bad as they may seem.
• Encourage your child’s autonomy. Allow them to make their own choices and take responsibility for their own actions.

Every child is different, and some of these tips may not work for your child. That’s okay. The important thing to remember is that some discomfort is actually good. It helps us to grow and learn.

Before you continue, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.

Have you ever wondered, “Why is my son so emotional?”, “Why is my daughter so sensitive?”, “Is something wrong with my child?” If the answer is yes, you are not alone. Parenting a highly sensitive child is like walking on eggshells. They often have big feelings and can go from 0 to 60 in one second.

If your child struggles with big feelings, worries, troubles with transitions and you want to rebuild your connection, our Big Feelings kit can help you. Big Feelings is a digital emotions toolkit packed full of fun and easy coping skills for sensitive children. In this toolkit, you’ll also find a guide for understanding highly sensitive children and parent scripts to manage big feelings.

There’s been a lot of talk lately about HSPs or highly sensitive people. Highly sensitive people have existed forever. However, understanding HSP traits has often been a challenge.

Many wrongly label sensitive children as quirky, overly emotional, or too shy. Only recently, research has started to raise awareness about what being deeply sensitive feels like.

If you’re a parent to a deeply feeling child, you may struggle with how people perceive your child’s behavior. Recognizing signs of sensitivity is crucial for providing the proper support.

This post will explore sensitive child traits and share tips for the best support.

What Does It mean If My Child Is Highly Sensitive?

Parents often assume the worst when they learn their child is highly sensitive. They may worry that sensitivity may make their child more vulnerable and less resilient.

The sensitivity trait in itself is neutral – it predicts neither success nor failure. Instead, it’s people’s negative attitude towards sensitivity that can negatively impact your child.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Imagine what it’s like hearing adults around you criticize your behavior (“He’s too sensitive!”, “She’s too shy. You have to help her come out of her shell,” “Why doesn’t he join the others? He’s met the other kids before, hasn’t he?”). Wouldn’t you feel that there’s something inherently wrong with you?

Now imagine what it’s like if people would see the bright part of being highly sensitive: “She’s so perceptive,” “He seems wise beyond his age,” “You seem tense. Is it too much going on around you? Would you like us to go someplace quiet?”). These words wouldn’t affect your self-confidence, right?

A highly sensitive child has many gifts: they can be patient, wise, creative, and empathetic, provided they feel that their inner world is validated and understood. But they can be surprisingly self-centered when overwhelmed or when they run on an empty bucket. That’s because they’re in survival mode: their stress response activates, and they are in fight, flight or freeze mode.

That’s why we must cultivate an atmosphere allowing deep-feeling kids to share their big feelings without judgment or fear.

What are Highly sensitive Child Traits?

Highly sensitive children have a highly reactive nervous system. They react quickly to stimuli, sensory or emotional. For instance, they can be more sensitive to loud noises and may absorb someone else’s intense emotions. Additionally, they are slow to warm up because they need time to observe and assess their surroundings.

Highly sensitive child traits include:

• Sensitive to sensory stimuli (noise, smells, lights, clothing tags, uncomfortable fabrics, clothes sensitivity when changing seasons);
• Asking a lot of questions, inquisitive, wise for their age
• Introspective and self-reflective
• Perceptive and intuitive
• Cautious and anxious in new or challenging situations
• Empathetic, feels things deeply, attentive to other people’s emotions, and requires the same in return (and experiencing deep feelings of unfairness when others don’t reciprocate, which makes friendships difficult)
• Attentive to details
• Preferring quiet activities and thrives on a slower schedule
• They need quiet breaks throughout the day to process their thoughts and recharge.

Why Do People Misunderstand Highly Sensitive Child Traits?

As we mentioned, people often misunderstand highly sensitive child traits. That’s because highly sensitive people account for 20-30% of the population. As a result, they are differently wired than most of the people.

Others may see a highly sensitive child’s sensitivity to surroundings and cautiousness around new people and situations as moodiness. For example, summer holidays and visiting relatives can be challenging for families with highly sensitive children.

Then, behavior like choosing friends carefully, preferring a slower schedule after school, and having meltdowns may appear as shyness, laziness, and irritability, respectively. But when you see a highly sensitive child’s reactions within the context of their temperament, their behavior starts to make sense.

Many people label deep-feeling children as overly emotional. Some examples of situations where deeply feeling children seem overly emotional are:

• Perceived injustice: A sensitive child might become deeply upset if they sense something is unfair or unjust, even if it’s a minor issue.
• Sensitive to criticism: Constructive feedback, even when delivered gently, can lead to emotional responses due to fear of disappointing others.
• Strong sensory inputs: Overstimulation from bright lights, strong smells, or loud noises can lead to intense emotional responses such as irritability or distress.
• Unexpected changes: Sudden changes in plans, even small ones, can trigger heightened emotional reactions in differently-wired children due to their higher need for predictability.
• Crowded places: Being in crowded areas, like a busy store or a noisy party, might overwhelm a highly sensitive child, leading to outbursts or withdrawal.
• Transition times: The back-to-school period, the end of the school year, warming up at a birthday party – all examples of transitions with deeply feeling children struggle. A highly sensitive child might become upset or frustrated when something disrupts their routine or when there are many stimuli to take in (like at a birthday party).
• Unresolved conflict: For instance, tension between family members might linger heavily on the mind of a sensitive child, leading to big thoughts and emotions.
• Witnessing someone else’s distress: Seeing a friend crying, watching a violent movie, or seeing a pet in pain can profoundly affect a sensitive child.

5 Tips on Raising a Highly Sensitive Child

1. Sensitive kids need a different approach

Highly sensitive children are wired differently than their peers in that they are more easily affected by what happens around them and need more time to process their surroundings and thoughts. Consequently, they need a different parenting approach. Gentle guidance and understanding go a long way. Their responses may seem intense, but that shows their sensitivity.

When disciplining, skip harsh tones and reprimands for highly sensitive kids. They’re already self-critical. Harsh discipline can trigger meltdowns. Opt for gentle reminders instead.

2. Normalize and accept sensitivity

Helping a sensitive child thrive starts by looking inward: analyzing our own triggers and our expectations is critical to accepting a child for who they are. Sometimes, when a child is stuck in a cycle of negative behavior, our worries spiral, and we think the worst: What if my child has bigger problems? What if I’m a terrible parent?

If you’re feeling this right now, take a deep breath and tell yourself: “There’s nothing wrong with my child. There’s nothing wrong with me. We can figure this out.”

Deep-feeling children can absorb our worries very quickly, so accepting sensitivity and creating a safe space for your child to feel comfortable being themselves is essential. Let your child know that sensitivity is a strength, not a weakness. Teach them that it’s okay to feel deeply and their emotions are valid.

You can print the worksheet below, laminate it, and post it somewhere where you can see it often. It contains 15 ideas on how to build self-confidence in kids:

3. Create a slower schedule

Sensitive kids thrive when they have space to breathe. Try to prioritize quality over quantity, allowing them time for rest, introspection, and activities that resonate with them. As they become emotionally drained quickly, you want to avoid overloading their schedule.

A slower pace also helps them process what happens throughout the day, preventing overwhelm. While a light schedule is ideal, it’s not always possible. In this case, it helps to adjust your expectations and mentally prepare for some big feelings. Remember that meltdowns, although stressful for the parent, are also a way for kids to release the built-up stress.

4. Learn their triggers

Understand what triggers strong emotions in your child. Whether it’s certain noises, crowds, criticism, or transitions, identifying triggers helps you navigate challenges more effectively and prevent unnecessary meltdowns.

An easy way to better understand your child’s behavior is to keep a daily journal to track situations that trigger specific behaviors. Note the time, place, people involved, and particular events. Patterns may emerge over time. You can also involve your child in the process: note down their take on the event and ask them to draw or write about it. Try to listen to your child actively and without judgment so that you get to the bottom of the problem. Remember that even minor criticism can set them off.

5. Teach coping skills

Empower your child with practical coping skills. Breathing exercises, mindfulness, and communicating feelings are tools they can use to navigate overwhelming moments.

It helps to talk to your child about what calming tools they’d like to try . Of course, it’s best to have this discussion when everyone’s calm. You may want to prepare a list of strategies and go through it with your child. Have them try out and choose some calming strategies. In our Big Feelings kit, we’ve listed 120 calming and sensory strategies that can help kids when they are emotionally dysregulated. Learn more about Big Feelings here.

In this article, we’ve outlined the main highly sensitive child traits, how people can misinterpret them and we’ve also given you 5 key tips to help your highly sensitive child reach their full potential. Of course, each child is different so always trust your instinct. You’ve got this!

Shame thrives in secrecy and silence. When there’s a disconnection between who we are and who we believe we should be, shame takes hold.

At its core, shame is the belief that we are inherently flawed, unworthy, or fundamentally bad. It often stems from early experiences of rejection, criticism, or invalidation, leaving lasting imprints on our psyche. We internalize these negative messages, leading to a pervasive sense of shame that can shape our self-perception and influence our behaviors.

Societal expectations can also perpetuate shame. Cultural pressures play a massive role in a highly sensitive child’s sense of shame. That’s because our society doesn’t see sensitivity as a strength.

Before you continue, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.

How we shame a highly sensitive child without meaning to

Shame happens in all families, including loving ones. When parents feel overwhelmed by daily life struggles or pressure from well-meaning friends and relatives, they often make kids feel bad about needing, wanting, or feeling something or not being independent or outgoing enough. 

We tend to focus on behavior and make children feel bad for not meeting expectations. But applying this tactic when raising a highly sensitive child is tricky. Your wording and body language matter because these children notice minor details and are acutely aware of their mistakes.

They are incredibly mistake-conscious, and it’s hard for them to shrug off an embarrassing experience or negative feedback. Even a minor critique can lead to painful self-consciousness. Highly sensitive children often internalize these experiences as personal flaws, fostering a deep sense of shame.

When a highly sensitive child feels shame, they become quiet and compliant. That is their coping strategy to avoid future embarrassment. The problem is that compliance doesn’t make children internalize the drive to do good.

Another essential contributor to the feeling of shame is societal expectations. Highly sensitive children may feel “less than” because our society values outgoing and bold people. That’s why it’s essential to make your child feel valued for who they are and help them discover their superpowers. The sooner they embrace their gift, the less they’ll feel ashamed for not being as society expects them to be.

It’s essential to help them see that toxic shame – feeling ashamed constantly for what we are and for minor mistakes – serves no purpose. It hinders personal growth and the ability to set boundaries with others and express ourselves authentically.

5 Tips to Avoid Shaming in a Highly Sensitive Child

1. Be aware of your shame triggers

Imagine you are at a playdate, and your child refuses to play. The other parents start noticing and say, “Is there something wrong? Why won’t you play with the others? You’re a shy one, aren’t you?”

If you have a highly sensitive child, that kind of talk can make them withdraw even more. Now you feel that everyone’s looking. You feel a heaviness in your chest, a sinking feeling – shame.

What do we do when we feel shame? We try to avoid it. How? Often, by passing it on to our children (“Can’t you play just one game?”)

It’s probably not a big deal if it’s an isolated event and you discuss with your child afterward to make repairs. But the point is that we must be aware of our shame triggers and how we can shame our children without realizing it.

If we know our triggers, we can break the cycle.

2. Cultivate unconditional love

Does your child hates or gets bored with emotion-naming games, breathing exercises, and mindfulness for kids? Most parents who have found that their children are highly sensitive have probably tried various parenting techniques to make them feel calmer and safer. But do you know why your child might seem uninterested?

Because they get the message that “You need to be fixed.” Unfortunately, sensitive children are susceptible to criticism and shame. They turn inward and focus on their deficiencies at the slightest sign of disapproval.

What helps most is showing them that you love them unconditionally and are valued just as they are, regardless of their actions, choices, mistakes, and temperament.

3. Focus on the behavior, not the person

Choosing your words when angry is hard, but wording matters greatly for highly sensitive children.

A simple way to avoid criticizing and shaming is to use I-statements. So, instead of saying, “That’s bad, you’re bad,” try to rephrase like this, “I feel upset that you bit your sister. I can see that you’re angry, but we don’t bite. What can you do next time that you’re angry?”

Another way to avoid shame but also correct the behavior is to show them that you trust they are good inside, but that good people can make bad choices (“I know that you are kind and wouldn’t hit your brother like that on purpose. What just happened there?”)

Separate their behavior from their inherent worth and communicate that you value them for who they are, not just for what they do.

4. Share your past experiences

If you can, share age-appropriate stories or personal experiences with your child when they feel shame for having made a mistake or for being laughed at. Try to retell the story while showing self-compassion and embracing your imperfections.

It always helps to hear something relatable when in a bad mood. It’s the same for our little ones.

5. Encourage open communication

At one point in our lives, we all have had a secret we have been ashamed of. Now imagine how good it feels to share it with someone who believes how hard it must have been for you and shows empathy.

The most significant gift our children can offer is sharing their secrets with us. For that to happen, especially when they’re older, we must encourage open communication when they’re young. We can show empathy when our children share their vulnerabilities with us.

6. Avoid comparisons

Comparing our children with peers can trigger our shame because of cultural norms regarding sensitivity. It’s easy to think that we aren’t good enough as parents when our children have different interests than peers, and maybe they also struggle with worries and sensory issues.

Many parents fall into the comparison trap when they have a highly sensitive child whom everyone labels “shy” and “slow to warm up” and when other kids seem accomplished.

While your child’s peers are into sports and have busy after-school schedules, yours might struggle with friendships, avoid birthday parties, and dislike the pressure of competitions.

However, it’s important to remember that highly sensitive children can shine bright their way. The best way to support them is to let them explore their interests without forcing them to be someone they’re not.

The Toxic Effects of Shaming a Highly Sensitive Child

It encourages bad behavior. When a child feels shame, they automatically feel like they are wrong and someone else is right. Somebody else has the power, and they feel small. That is an awful feeling to feel. What happens next is that the child will go and find another child on whom to exert power—for instance, a younger sibling. That’s true even for highly sensitive and compassionate children.

It leads to poor self-esteem. Shaming means criticizing and judging when someone makes a mistake. That’s wrong because the way we talk to children will become their inner voice. So, they’ll shame themselves when they face difficulties. Instead, it’s more helpful to help them focus on solutions. That way, they’ll be able to see mistakes as learning opportunities, not as shameful memories.

It fosters lying. Children are wired to have a good relationship with their caregivers for survival reasons. Highly sensitive children, who are, by default, more cautious and attuned to caregivers, feel an even higher need to feel loved and safe. So, they naturally want to please their parents. But when adults shame them, children can resort to lying for fear of damaging the relationship.

Shame can have debilitating effects on highly sensitive children due to their ability to process things deeply and their tendency to worry. Breaking the shame cycle requires time and self-compassion but will allow you to raise a self-confident and resilient child.

I remember one time when my 6-year-old daughter was having a tough day. She was upset that her friends had been mean to her at school, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t help her calm down. I tried hugs, talking to her, and jokes, but nothing worked. Seeing her struggle like that with her self-esteem made me feel helpless and guilty that I couldn’t help her be more resilient.

My daughter is a deeply feeling child and deeply feeling kids are prone to self-esteem and self-regulation problems, as well as lower resilience than other children.

Did you know that kids’ self-esteem is already established by age five? That might mean that it’s very hard to change their self-image when they get older.

I started to get worried about my daughter’s negative worries and negative mindset, overall.

Then I remembered a technique called EFT tapping that I had learned in college. I decided to give it a try.

So, we sat down together, and I tapped the magic buttons while she repeated empowering words.

It was like a light switch had been flipped – her tears dried up, her breathing slowed down, and she looked at me calmly and peacefully. Seeing her feeling better was a relief, and I knew we had found a powerful tool we could use together.

Here is what EFT tapping is all about.

What is EFT tapping?

The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is a therapy that combines acupressure with modern psychology.

The idea behind EFT is that all negative emotions result from disrupting the body’s energy system. It’s often referred to as “emotional acupuncture without needles.” Instead of using needles, we tap on specific areas of the body while focusing on what we struggle with.

Cary Graid developed EFT tapping in the 1990s, and the technique has since gained popularity worldwide. Research shows that EFT effectively reduces anxiety and calms the nervous system.

However, some researchers have questioned the validity of these studies, and there is still a need for more research to validate EFT as a clinical treatment fully. While some may still have reservations because of the link with traditional Chinese medicine, EFT has helped many people manage their emotions and reduce stress.

One of the great things about EFT is that it’s easy to learn, and you can do it almost anywhere. You don’t need any special equipment or training. Also, it’s free. You don’t need a penny to try EFT tapping.

EFT tapping for kids – does it work?

Deeply feeling children often have big worries but lack the words to express those feelings that remain stuck in their bodies. So, they might feel anxious or develop specific fears without even knowing why.

EFT can significantly help a deeply feeling child who worries a lot. The cool thing is that EFT can often make a big difference in just a few minutes. Kids can be incredibly responsive to EFT because they don’t have the same emotional baggage as adults. They just want to feel better.

How does EFT tapping work?

The basic EFT tapping technique involves tapping on a series of acupressure points while repeating a setup statement about the problem that is bothering your child. Thanks to research, we know there is a direct link between acupuncture points and the amygdala. The amygdala is part of the brain from where stress responses originate.

What are the meridian points in EFT tapping?

The acupoints or the “meridian points” are:

• Karate Chop – outside edge of the hand, below the little finger
• Eyebrows – the inner end of either eyebrow, near the bridge of the nose
• Side of the eye
• Under the eye – about one inch below the eye, on the bone
• Under the nose – on the crease where the chin starts
• Chin
• Collarbone – on end below the throat, on the end of either collarbone
• Under the arm – about four inches under the armpit
• Top of the head.

What are the main steps of EFT tapping?

The main steps of EFT tapping are:

1. Label the specific emotion or issue they struggle with.

One of the critical things to remember when using EFT tapping is to focus on a specific issue or emotion. Being as clear as possible about the emotion or problem you’re tapping on is essential. For example, instead of tapping on “worries,” your child might tap on “feeling worried about other kids making fun of me.” That helps to target the issue more effectively.

Related: How to Help Your Lonely Highly Sensitive Child Make Friends

2. Ask your deeply feeling child to rank how strong the emotion is or how difficult the struggle is:

• Older kids: on a scale from 1 to 10, with ten meaning “as bad as possible.”
• Younger kids: use a color code with “red” meaning “bad,” “yellow” is for “so and so,” and green is for “okay,”

3. Have your deeply feeling child choose a setup phrase they want to repeat when tapping.

Traditionally, the statement has two parts: one describing the problem and another about self-acceptance. It’s generally formulated like this, “Even though (state the problem), I feel loved and accepted.” Here are other examples:

• “I am brave even if I couldn’t speak up in class today.”
• “Even though I was afraid to go on the rollercoaster, I’m still brave.”
• “I don’t like going to birthday parties, but that doesn’t make me a bad friend.”

Related: Why Permissive Parenting Undermines Your Child’s Resilience

4. Ask your deeply feeling child to firmly but gently tap on the acupoints.

They should tap on either side of the body five-seven times, using the fingertips of either hand. The child can use just the index and the middle finger or four fingers. Also, it’s okay to tap on one side of the body or both simultaneously.

Tapping pressure needs to be gentle but firm, like drumming on the top of the desk.

Suggest to your child to take a deep breath every time they tap.

In addition, have them repeat the setup phrase twice or thrice as they tap on the first point. Then, as they tap on the remaining acupoints, encourage them to repeat a short reminder phrase  (“my worries,” “birthday parties,” “my friends“).

Go through a few rounds, and then ask them to reassess their feelings. They should feel calmer. Ideally, it helps to repeat until you reach the green zone or a 3 out of 10.

Related: 7 Ways to Cope with After-School Meltdowns (with Parent Scripts)

5. Shift to a positive mindset

Now that they have confronted their problem or emotions, it’s time for your child to think of something empowering. For example:

• “I know that I can do it.”
• “I haven’t learned this yet.”
• “I am a good friend.”

Your child can repeat these statements while tapping on the nine acupoints.

Extra tips

• You don’t have to be exact; tapping the area is usually enough.
• Your child doesn’t have to tap all the points or about following a specific order. Just tapping one area is often enough to help lessen worries.
• Specialists recommend removing bracelets, watches, and glasses before beginning because they can be electromagnetically obstructive.
• It’s okay if your kiddo skips some points. As long as they tap and you talk about the problem, it will be enough to help them calm down.

How to Help Your Deeply Feeling Child Tap into Their Big Feelings

EFT tapping can involve technical terms, so it’s important to use language that kids can easily understand.

For younger children, it helps to turn it into a game (“Do you know each of us has magic buttons on their body? The magic buttons help us calm down when we’re upset. Do you wanna try?”)

Also, many kids are visual learners, so you can make EFT tapping more engaging by using drawings and pictures showing the tapping points.

You can teach your child how to tap on their meridian points, but you can also tap on them directly or on a stuffed animal to show them how to do it. You can also tap on your points and ask your child to mirror your moves.

Hanging up posters with useful EFT setup phrases is a great idea to remind your child to try tapping when they feel overwhelmed. Plus, older kids will feel empowered when they can apply EFT successfully on their own.

Here are some ways EFT tapping can help your deeply feeling child:

At bedtime

Ask your child to name one thing they liked about their day and one they hated. Then, as they start talking, you can gently tap on their meridian points to help them calm down before bed. The setup phrase that they choose must be related to sleep (“I’m slowly drifting to sleep,” “I’m relaxing now”). Try to do this exercise for 5 minutes.

Specific situation

Say your child has a particular problem, like attending birthday parties and making friends. In this case, you can use statements like:

• “I’m a good kid, even though I don’t want to go to my friend’s birthday party,”
• “I’m as good as anybody else I am even if I don’t like playing soccer,”
• “Even though I didn’t speak up in class, I’m still brave.”
• “Even though I feel embarrassed about (specific event), I know mistakes can happen.”

Managing emotions

Sometimes, kids only know they feel upset without being able to name a specific event. For instance, after-school meltdowns don’t have a particular cause; they usually stem from general sensory and emotional overload. In that case, you might want to focus on a specific emotion when tapping. Here are examples of setup phrases:

• “Even though I’m angry, I know it’s okay to feel my emotions, and I can let them go.”
• “Even though I’m sad, I know everything will get better soon.”
• “Even though I feel disappointed, I know I can do better next time.”

Related: How to Help Your Deeply Feeling Kid with Somatization

Ahead of a stressful event (a big transition like starting school)

Apart from emotional validation, play therapy techniques, and other calming strategies, you can use EFT tapping when your child worries about an upcoming event. Try to brainstorm statements they’d like to try and do EFT tapping each day to release bottled-up worries. Here are some examples:

• “Even though I feel scared right now, I’m brave and can handle this.”
• “Even though I feel worried about (specific situation), everything will be okay.”
• “Even though I feel nervous about (specific situation), I know I can do it, and I’ll feel proud of myself.”
• “Even though I feel overwhelmed, I can take it one step at a time and ask my parents for help if I need it.”

Related: How to Advocate for Your Highly Sensitive Child in School

EFT tapping might not work on the first try. It can take several days until your child gets used to it. The important thing is that you are training their mind to relax.

Of course, EFT tapping isn’t a magic cure-all. It’s not going to solve all your problems overnight. But it can be valuable to your parenting toolkit for managing stress, anxiety, and other negative emotions.

The secret is to practice, practice, and practice. Like any other mindfulness technique, EFT becomes more effective as you use it.