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If your child is anxious, remember that you are not alone. Anxiety in children is more common than we think and it affects about 1 in 5 kids.

In this post, we’ll explore six ways anxiety in children shows up disguised as other behaviors, and share three steps to feel calmer.

6 Ways Anxiety In Children Shows Up As Something Else

1. Anxiety in Children Can Show Up as Anger & Defiance

When children feel anxious, it can be overwhelming and difficult to express in a healthy way. They might not have the vocabulary or emotional maturity to articulate their worries. This can lead to a frustration response that manifests as anger or defiance. It’s like a pressure cooker; the built-up anxiety needs an outlet, and sometimes it comes out as anger or defiance, even if the situation itself doesn’t necessarily warrant such a strong reaction.

The strong reaction is essentially a fight-or-flight response triggered by the intense worry. They might lash out or become defiant because they don’t know how else to communicate their underlying fear or regain control of a situation that feels scary.

2. Over-cautiousness and asking lots of questions (“What if…?”) can hide big worries

At the heart of this behavior lies the fear of the unknown. For a child with anxiety, anything new or unfamiliar can feel like a potential threat. They might think, “What if I do something wrong?”, “What if everyone else is having fun and I’m left out?”, “What if something bad happens?” The constant “what ifs” can make them hesitant to take the plunge.

By asking a lot of questions and being overly cautious, children with anxiety are trying to gain a sense of control over the situation. The more information they have, the better prepared they feel to handle any potential challenges or social interactions.

Related: How to Encourage an Overly Cautious Child

3. Anxiety In Children Can Show Up As Avoidance

Children experiencing anxiety often develop coping mechanisms to avoid situations that trigger their worries. Here are some ways they might try to escape anxiety-provoking situations:

Physical Avoidance:

• Refusal: A child might simply refuse to participate in activities or go to places that make them anxious. This could include refusing to go to school, a doctor’s appointment, or a birthday party.
• Physical Complaints: They might develop physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches before an anxiety-provoking event.
• Tantrums: In younger children, anxiety can manifest as tantrums, a last-ditch effort to escape a situation that feels overwhelming.

Mental Avoidance:

• Procrastination: Children might delay or put off tasks or events that trigger anxiety, buying them more time (or so they hope) to avoid facing their fears.
• Distraction: They might actively seek distractions, like playing games or watching TV, to take their mind off upcoming worries or situations that make them anxious.
• Daydreaming: Escaping into their imagination can be a way to temporarily avoid real-world anxieties and create a safe haven in their minds.

Social Avoidance:

• Isolation: Children with anxiety might withdraw from social interactions or avoid making new friends due to a fear of rejection, judgment, or social awkwardness.
• People Pleasing: Trying to control every situation and please everyone around them can be a way to avoid potential social conflicts or disapproval, which can be a major anxiety trigger.

These avoidance strategies can be a way to cope with worries in the short term, but unfortunately they also make anxiety stronger in the long run.

4. Anxiety Can Lead To Lack of Focus In Kids

When a child’s mind is constantly buzzing with anxious thoughts, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything else. Imagine trying to do homework while simultaneously worrying about an upcoming presentation or a fight with a friend.

Anxiety can also make it difficult to filter out unimportant details.  Imagine trying to listen to the teacher when your mind is also fixated on the ticking clock, the scratchy sweater you’re wearing, and the worry about forgetting your lunch. All this extra information bombards the brain, making it hard to focus on the main lesson.

Some children with anxiety might avoid situations that trigger their worries, like schoolwork. They may procrastinate or simply “zone out” during class as a way to avoid the potential discomfort of focusing on something anxiety-provoking.

5. Trouble Sleeping Can Be A Sign of Anxiety In Children

Imagine a hamster on a wheel in your head! When a child is anxious, their mind can race with worries about school, friends, or upcoming events. This constant mental chatter makes it difficult to quiet the mind and drift off to sleep.

There’s a two-way relationship between anxiety and sleep: just like anxiety disrupts sleep, poor sleep quality can also worsen anxiety symptoms. A tired child is often a more irritable and stressed child, creating a vicious cycle.

In addition, if a child experiences difficulty falling asleep due to anxiety on multiple occasions, bedtime itself can become associated with anxiety. This conditioned fear can make falling asleep even harder in the future, creating a vicious cycle.

Anxiety can also increase the frequency and intensity of nightmares and night terrors. These vivid dreams can wake a child up feeling scared and disrupt their sleep cycle.

In some cases, anxiety can also contribute to sleep apnea in children. This condition causes brief pauses in breathing during sleep, which can lead to fragmented sleep and daytime fatigue.

6. Anxiety Can Also Cause Physical Symptoms

Since children might not have the vocabulary or emotional maturity to express their worries verbally, their bodies might take over, expressing anxiety through physical complaints. This is called somatization. Here are some common signs of anxiety:

• unexplained tummy aches and headaches
• tightness in the shoulders, neck or chest,
• sweating
• changes in appetite.

It’s important to rule out any underlying medical conditions that could be causing the physical symptoms. A doctor can help you with this. Once medical causes are ruled out, addressing the anxiety can help alleviate the physical symptoms as well.

A Negative Mindset – Another Potential Sign of Anxiety In Children

The constant worries can impact a child’s resilience and overall mindset. Here’s how:

• Tunnel Vision: Anxiety can narrow a child’s focus onto worst-case scenarios. They might fixate on potential failures and struggles, overlooking alternative solutions or positive outcomes. Even minor challenges can feel overwhelming and lead to meltdowns or tantrums. A simple mistake on a homework assignment can turn into a disaster in their minds, leading to discouragement and giving up easily.
• Fear of Failure: The fear of making mistakes or disappointing others, which is often heightened in anxious children, can make them less likely to take risks or try new things. This can lead to a sense of learned helplessness and a belief that they’re not capable of success.
• Low Self-Esteem: A focus on potential failures can chip away at a child’s sense of self-worth. They might start doubting their abilities and feeling like they’re not good enough, further perpetuating the negative cycle.

How To Manage Anxiety In Children

1. Create a Safe Space for Open Communication

Non-judgmental listening: Let your child know you’re always there to listen, without judgment or criticism. Validate their feelings with phrases like “It sounds like you’re thinking about… How do you feel about it? or “That must be frustrating.”

Open-ended questions: Encourage them to talk about their worries by asking open-ended questions like “What can make this situation feel a little easier for you?” or “Can you tell me more about what’s making you anxious?” However, some kids don’t respond well to open-ended questions when they’re on the verge of a meltdown. In this case, ask them “yes/no” questions like, “Do you need a hug?” or “Do you need a glass of cold water or a crunchy snack? Would that help?”

Special one-on-one time: Dedicate time each day to simply connect with your child, free from distractions. This can be through playing games, reading together, or just cuddling and talking.

2. Do a Quick Body Scan When Anxiety Escalates

When anxiety escalates, it helps to do a Quick Body Scan: Ask your child which part of their body feels funny when they feel worried? Is it their tummy? Do they get a headache or do they feel dizzy?

You can also print one of the images below, then ask your child to draw an “X” or a red circle on the body part or parts that feel funny when they are anxious. Also, discuss coping strategies: what do they need to feel better? Calming or upbeat music? Doodling? A hug?

3. Build a Worry Toolbox

Create a Worry Jar: Have your child decorate a jar and write down their worries on slips of paper. They can crumple them up and put them in the jar, symbolically storing their worries away.

Write “I Am” statements: Write down positive affirmations like “I am brave,” “I am strong,” or “I am capable” on colorful strips of paper. Keep them in a box (ask your child to decorate it!), or wear them as a bracelet. Read them together whenever your kid needs a little confidence boost!

The glitter jar: Fill a jar with water, glitter, and a few drops of dish soap. When shaken, the glitter swirls around, representing anxious thoughts. Explain that as the glitter settles, so can their anxious feelings. Let them shake the jar and observe the calming effect.

5 senses exploration: Find a quiet spot and ask your child to focus on their senses. Name 5 things they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell, and 1 thing they can taste. This simple exercise helps them ground themselves in the present moment and shift their focus away from worries.

Belly breaths: Practice deep belly breaths together. Place a hand on your child’s belly and have them breathe in slowly through their nose, feeling their belly rise. Hold for a count of 2, then slowly exhale through their mouth, feeling their belly shrink. Repeat for a few minutes.

Calming or Upbeat Music: Create a playlist of relaxing or upbeat music together to help your child calm their mind and body. Encourage them to dance like nobody’s watching and let their worries melt away with every move!

Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense and relax different muscle groups one at a time. Start with your toes, scrunching them tight for a few seconds, then releasing. Move through your body, tensing and releasing each muscle group, letting go of tension with each breath.

Visualization: Ask your child to imagine their happy place, a place where they feel safe and calm. Engage their senses by describing the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings of this place. This can be a calming escape during moments of anxiety.

Mindful coloring or doodling: Engaging in creative activities can be a great way to distract from anxious thoughts and promote relaxation. Coloring mandalas or simply doodling can be a form of mindfulness for children.

Here are 12 printable cards with coping tools to help you manage anxiety and negative thinking (FREE Download):

Is My Child’s Anxiety Normal?

Just like with diabetes or a heart condition, anxiety disorders are treatable health concerns. But here’s the thing: it can be tough to tell if your child’s worries are part of normal development or something more.

Here are some guidelines to help you decide:

• Impact on daily life: If anxiety is affecting their ability to participate in school activities, extracurriculars they enjoy, or is causing problems with sleep, eating, or friendships, it might be time to see a doctor.
• Big changes at home: Are you noticing significant changes in your child’s behavior at home, like increased anger, difficulty concentrating, or becoming very rigid and controlling? These could be signs of anxiety that need attention.

These signs can be a good indicator to talk to your doctor. They can help you understand your child’s anxiety and create a plan to manage it effectively.

Here’s how to tell.

The Highly Sensitive Child Checklist

Print this article, and sit down with a paper and pen to review the following statements.

This checklist is meant for parents.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to save the Highly Sensitive Child checklist as a PDF file. This way, you can review it at your own pace and revisit it as needed. It’s also helpful to review the checklist every six months to track any changes in your child’s behavior.

Here is the checklist of the most common traits of highly sensitive children:

• My child feels emotions really strongly, and sometimes it can be overwhelming. They might express their feelings openly, especially in public places, or they might bottle them up until they get home
• My child gets easily upset when things don’t go the way they expected.
• My child gets easily stressed out by changes and transitions, like the shift of seasons, the start and end of the school year, or starting a new activity after school.
• My child seems to read my mind and absorb my emotions.
• It feels like my child has way more meltdowns than their peers.
• My child shows signs of perfectionism.
• People often say my child is wise beyond their years. They have a knack for making insightful observations and asking thought-provoking questions.
• Bedtime can be tough for my child. It’s often a time when they start to unwind and process all the emotions from the day, or they might try to avoid bedtime by finding ways to distract themselves.
• My child prefers to be in charge, and they can get really stressed out when they feel like they don’t have control or when things change a lot.
• My child seems to be more sensitive to pain than other kids their age.
• My child can sometimes get overwhelmed in crowded spaces or social gatherings, even if it’s something they enjoy and are looking forward to.
• My child’s emotions can go from one extreme to the other very quickly. Sometimes it feels like they’re having the best day of their life, and then the next minute, they’re having the worst! This can happen multiple times in a single day.
• My child gets really protective of their things, especially around siblings, and they seem to have a strong sense of ownership and control over their belongings and personal space.
• My child is a bright kid who uses advanced vocabulary for their age and has a witty sense of humor. They often ask insightful questions.
• My child seems to be very observant and notices a lot of things around them.
• My child can get easily startled by unexpected sounds, touches, or even small changes in their surroundings. This can sometimes lead to meltdowns or tantrums.
• My child gets really upset by harsh discipline or scolding, and they sometimes don’t respond well to redirection, even when it’s done in a kind and understanding way.
• My child is very sensitive to clothing textures and often gets bothered by scratchy fabrics or clothing tags. They may ask to remove the tags or change clothes if they find the tags uncomfortable.
• My child needs plenty of time to relax and recharge (and I make sure they have regular one-on-one time with me).

The sensitive child checklist says I have a highly sensitive child. Now what?

Congratulations, your child is in good company! Many of history’s greatest change-makers have been highly sensitive — without sensitive people, we would not have had people like:

• Artists: Vincent van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Virginia Woolf
• Writers: Maya Angelou, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson
• Musicians: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Frédéric Chopin, Björk
• Scientists: Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, Carl Sagan
• Activists: Eleanor Roosevelt, Martin Luther King Jr., Malala Yousafzai

Around a third of people are naturally more sensitive than most, both physically and emotionally. About half of people fall somewhere in the middle, while the remaining 20% are less sensitive. This trait is called environmental sensitivity, and all the three levels are considered to be perfectly normal.

How Is A Highly Sensitive Child Different From Other Kids?

Due to their unique genetic makeup, these children navigate their world differently than their peers. They’re also skilled at masking their true selves in public settings. Many of these kids go to great lengths to appear “normal” at school and in social settings. This means they may bottle up their emotions until they’re home, where they can finally let loose and express themselves in ways that might seem overly sensitive.

Here are some common patterns that highly sensitive kids might show that set them apart from their peers. Remember that your child might exhibit some or none of these traits and still be considered highly sensitive.

1. A highly sensitive child is very compassionate

Highly sensitive people have more active mirror neurons than a neurotypical person, meaning that their brain is wired to show empathy. Thus, a sensitive child is one who knows how to make others feel comfortable. However, when sensitive kids are in fight-or-flight mode, they are nothing but compassionate.

2. A highly sensitive child is easily overwhelmed by daily stress

Highly sensitive kids are like sponges, soaking up every little thing around them, as a result of their very active mirror neurons. This heightened awareness can sometimes lead to feeling overwhelmed as their brains are processing lots of information. Meltdowns are a way to express their bottled-up emotions and frustration. That’s why helping them co-regulate or giving them space to manage their emotional and sensory overload is essential.

3. A sensitive child is intuitive and perceptive

Sensitive kids have a way of noticing things that other people might miss. This helps them appreciate life’, like art, music, and nature. They’re also good at reading people’s emotions, making them easy to connect with. But sometimes, because they pay so much attention to everything, they can overthink things and worry about potential risks. This can make them hesitant to try new things (and learn new skills).

4. A sensitive child is often very cautious and reflective

New situations and meeting new people can be overwhelming for many sensitive kids, who often need extra time to adjust before diving in. This cautious approach can sometimes make sensitive children seem shy or introverted, even if that’s not true.

5. A highly sensitive child may have a high need to be seen

Highly sensitive children tend to crave a lot of one-on-one attention. If they don’t get enough love and support, they may feel misunderstood, react badly to even minor criticism, and feel like no one really gets them. This can lead to a sense of isolation and make them feel like they’re not good enough.

6. Sensitively wired kids often have a constant need to feel in control

Sensitive kids often have fixed ideas for how things should go due to all their big feelings. When reality doesn’t match their expectations, they can become easily frustrated and lash out, or they can internalize disappointment and feel like they’ve failed or that their parents failed to help them.

Their need to be in control can also make them develop a push-and-pull attachment with their parents and siblings. Thus, they will sometimes set strong limits that feel offensive; other times, they may be very kind and compassionate.

This is a normal part of their temperament, but it requires extra patience and understanding from parents.

7. Sensitive children often struggle with transitions

Sensitive children are slow to warm up, and may have a more inflexible, black-and-white thinking, which makes transitions harder. The perceived lack of control can make them feel frustrated and uncooperative. Additionally, they dislike sudden changes as they like to think carefully before jumping in. Moreover, executive functioning problems can make matters worse. Executive function skills include problem-solving, switching focus, and time management skills (sensitive kids often feel overwhelmed and perform poorly under time pressure).

8. Highly sensitive children are often perfectionistic

When your child tries really hard to do everything perfectly, it’s great if they succeed. But if they keep thinking they need to be perfect all the time, it can be bad for them. They might have a hard time trying new things because they’re afraid of making mistakes. They might also get upset if they don’t do something right the first time.

9. They may dislike tags on clothes and certain fabrics

Children who are not highly sensitive don’t mind tags or seams. They can brush off these sensory discomforts. But those who are extra sensitive can’t ignore these things. They might refuse to wear undies with tags or avoid jeans because they are too itchy. Touch sensory issues can be tough for parents to handle, but remember, your child isn’t doing this on purpose. It’s how their brain works.

10. They are often annoyed by bright lights and noisy places

It is crucial to believe your child when they are saying that feel annoyed by certain stimuli, like bright lights and noisy places, instead of dismissing their experience. Oftentimes, simply validating can help them feel more at ease.

11. Sensitive children often have low pain tolerance

Some highly sensitive kids feel pain more intensely than others. This might be due to their pain receptors being extra sensitive, or because their brains are already receiving so much information, the pain feels even stronger.

If My Child Is Highly Sensitive, How Can I Learn More?

Check out these articles to understand your highly sensitive child better:

• 1. The Highly Sensitive Child Guide
• 2. 6 Small Things That Overwhelm a Deeply Feeling Child
• 3. How to Identify Highly Sensitive Child Traits

Check out these articles to help them build stress-coping skills:

• 1. 3 Mistakes That Worsen Low Frustration Tolerance. Do You Make One of Them?
• 2. Is Your Deeply Feeling Child Scared to Try New Things? (Free Printable)
• 3. How to Build Lifelong Confidence in a Deeply Feeling Child (with Parent Scripts)

Does your five-year-old still have toilet accidents?

Does your six-year-old refuse to wipe without help?

While it can worry parents, many highly sensitive children struggle with toilet training. You are not alone, even if parents don’t discuss this openly.

A highly sensitive child can find toilet learning difficult due to sensory issues. Fortunately, there’s a lot you can do to help.

In this article, you’ll learn:

Sensitivity is different from Sensory Processing Disorder

But first, you should know the difference between being highly sensitive and having sensory processing disorder (SPD). That’s important because it helps you understand when to ask for professional help.

Sensitivity is a neutral character trait that 1 in 3 people have, while SPD is a neurological condition requiring professional help.

Sensitivity involves heightened sensitivity to emotional and sensory stimuli. Highly sensitive people are more aware of their surroundings and process things deeply. As a result, they absorb a lot of information which can overwhelm them quickly. But they will feel better once in a quiet place away from overstimulation.

SPD is a medical condition that affects how the brain receives and processes messages from our senses. It affects about 5 to 16 percent of children, according to experts. It is not a diagnosis in the Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), but there is debate over this topic. Instead, it is one symptom of autism specter disorder and other developmental disorders.

In children with SPD, the brain has trouble processing sensory information. As a result, they usually need OT help to learn how to process sensory information to cope with everyday challenges. On the other hand, sensitivity is a neutral trait that shouldn’t impact the quality of life.

If you feel like your child misses out on opportunities because of their sensory differences, you should consider seeking professional help.

Why does a highly sensitive child have trouble toilet training?

A sensitive child can have trouble toilet training mainly due to sensory difficulties, anxiety, and resistance to change.

Both sensitive and SPD kids have sensory differences that can make toilet learning more difficult. Therefore, it’s crucial to know to which of the senses your child is most sensitive and whether they seek or avoid stimuli.

Highly sensitive kids are usually sensory-avoidant. Many struggle with bright noises, artificial lights, strong smells, and certain textures.

How the eight senses affect toilet training

We have eight senses: touch, sound, taste, sight, smell, vestibular, proprioception, and interoception. All of them can make toilet training more challenging for a sensitive child.

• Touch sensitivity. A child with touch sensitivity may prefer the parent to wipe them. They may also avoid wiping and like to use a bidet instead. Moreover, they hate getting their hands messy, washing with soap, and they may struggle with the toilet seat’s cold feeling. They may also like taking off all their clothes before using the toilet.
• Sound sensitivity. A sensitive child can fear toilet flushing (especially automatic flushing) and automatic hand dryers. Public restrooms can also be overwhelming, with different people constantly going in and out. In addition, the child might get distracted by the sound of the bathroom fan.
• Sight sensitivity. Your child might dislike the bright neon lights in the bathroom and brightly colored or cluttered rooms.
• Smell sensitivity. These kids may dislike the artificial fragrance of cleaning supplies in the bathroom and the smell of poo and pee.
• Taste sensitivity. Kids with taste sensitivity are picky eaters. But eating only certain foods can lead to constipation and tummy aches, making a child avoid bowel movements as much as possible. Read more about picky eaters here and in this article.
• Vestibular sensitivity. Vestibular sensitivity refers to movement and balance sensitivity. For example, your child may feel like they can fall off the toilet seat or dislike having their feet hanging if the toilet seat is too high. Additionally, they can feel uncomfortable when reaching for the paper and self-wipe.
• Proprioception sensitivity. The proprioceptive sense is about awareness of our body’s position in space. For example, a child with poor proprioception may have difficulty making themselves comfortable on the toilet seat.
• Interoception sensitivity. Kids with poor interoception may not feel when it’s time to use the toilet until it’s too late, or they can’t tell if they’ve finished. In addition, they may have had a negative potty-training experience or painful bowel movements and are now afraid of going through that again.

Non-sensory reasons why a highly sensitive child dislikes toilet learning

Sensitive children may dislike toilet training for other reasons apart from sensory sensitivities. For starters, they dislike change. So, they may be used to wearing a diaper, considering they’ve worn one their entire lives, and don’t see any reason to give it up.

Additionally, sensitive children tend to worry a lot. So, one of the biggest challenges during toilet training is the possibility of accidents. When accidents happen, your child can feel so embarrassed that they might enter a cycle of anxiety and avoidance. That’s why it’s best to stay at home as much as possible during the toilet training process and make plans for using the bathroom when you’re out and about. It’s also crucial to remain understanding because sensitive kids need more time and encouragement than their peers.

Additionally, toilet accidents may lower a child’s self-esteem. That can make them develop defensive behaviors to protect them from shame and embarrassment. For example, they may become stubborn or aggressive when using the bathroom comes up. Alternatively, they might blame others for their accidents, deny that they happened, act like nothing happened when they soil themselves and refuse to discuss the issue. These behaviors show that the child is having a hard time – they are not giving parents a hard time on purpose – and it’s essential to provide reassurance and choices.

Try to prioritize toilet training. Toilet training is not easy, so adjust your daily routine to make time for it. For example, try to be at home after school as much as possible to ensure your child can get toilet trained in the comfort of their home. Otherwise, there’s a high chance both of you will get frustrated when it doesn’t go as expected.

Involve your child by giving choices: Do you want to be alone in the bathroom or me to stay with you? Do you want me to turn off the bathroom fan or not? Would you like to read a book or play with a toy? Do you like this aiming sticker or the other one? Do you want to flush, or shall I do it?

Repetition is key. Children struggling with high sensory awareness can become less sensitive to certain stimuli through gradual exposure and lots of repetition.

21 tips for toilet training a highly sensitive child

Here is a list of toilet training tips for children with sensory issues:

• Use comfort items. Let your child hold a comfort toy while on the toilet.
• Sensory-friendly toilet seat. A padded toilet seat can be more comfortable for children who dislike the cold feeling of the toilet seat (for instance, when the seasons change).
• Bidet. Consider installing a bidet if your child doesn’t like wiping.
• Comfortable toilet paper and baby wipe warmer. Consider purchasing the most comfortable toilet paper, soft tissues, or a baby wipe warmer.
• Underwear material and seams. As your child goes from pull-ups to underwear, check whether seams are an issue. Try to pay attention to seam placement and opt for soft material.
• Let them choose what underwear to buy. Suggest underwear with your child’s favorite cartoon characters or seamless underwear and buy lots of it.
• Soft lighting. Ensure the lights are not very bright (consider warm light bulbs at home and sunglasses at public restrooms).
• Declutter: avoid clutter in the bathroom (like lots of toys on the bathtub and colorful towels) if your child has visual sensitivity. Avoid also having a laundry basket without a lid in the bathroom.
• Give a warning before flushing. Tell your child when it’s time to flush, or you can flush after they’ve left the room. Consider also noise-canceling headphones or stickers to cover the sensor for public toilets that flush automatically.  
• Music. Try soft or upbeat music, depending on what your child enjoys.
• Turn off the bathroom fan if the noise is too distracting.
• Use essential oil diffusers.
• Cleaning supplies. Avoid strong-smelling cleaning supplies or keeping supplies in the bathroom.
• Foot support. Use a step or stool for your child to put their feet on.
• Handrail. Try a handrail for your child to hang on to when sitting on the toilet.
• Toddler potty. Potties are closer to the ground and fit smaller bottoms. Try various toddler potty designs for kids who don’t like the feeling of their feet hanging when seated on the toilet.
• Wipe while standing. Teach your child to wipe while standing if they have balance problems.
• Use tape or stickers for aiming. For boys, use tape or funny stickers so they know where to stand.
• Visual aids. For kids with interoceptive sensitivity, use visual reminders and timers to know it’s time to check whether they need to use the bathroom.
• Talk about toilet cues. Talk about how their body feels when they need to use the bathroom (“How does your tummy feel five minutes after drinking a glass of water? Do you think you need to use the bathroom?”, “How does your tummy feel when you sit on your tummy for a long time? Is it like when you need to pee?”)
• Have a bathroom box of books, fidget toys, and activities that can help increase your child’s time on the toilet.

Remember to keep a neutral attitude and praise small wins. When a preschooler withholds poop, refuses to wipe, or has frequent accidents, it becomes incredibly stressful for both the child and the parents. The answer is to see the problem through your child’s lens. Your child’s feelings are real. Shaming and pressure to “just do it” would make the experience scarier and more frustrating.

It’s essential not to be hard on yourself. Whenever you feel like giving up or snapping at your child, tell yourself, “I’m doing the best I can, and my child is doing the best they can.”

He had a valid reason to be upset, such as a long day at the office, and I’m sure I contributed to his annoyance by complaining, making a lot of noise, or even arguing with my sister.

I can still picture his face turning crimson and him yelling, “Be quiet!”

I would run to my room and lay on my bed, feeling misunderstood or angry.

Now that I am a parent, as hard as I try not to, I yell and lose it sometimes despite my best efforts.

I can tell right away by the looks on my highly sensitive child’s face that I have overreacted. They either look scared, defiant, or hurt.

I also sense that I mishandled the situation from how I feel – for just a moment, it feels fantastic to yell or threaten, then in the next second, I feel remorseful.

But I also feel conflicted occasionally. Whenever my kid misbehaves, I ask them to stop multiple times before I eventually yell at them. I lose my patience because I expect them to understand a request. After all, they are in school; they are well past toddlerhood.

So how do you mend your relationship with your highly sensitive child after yelling? How do you balance expressing negative emotions and controlling your anger?

There are several things to consider.

Why Snapping Is Normal

All parents occasionally snap at their children, and doing so doesn’t say you are a good or a lousy parent. It’s just a fact of life. Raising your voice or losing it from time to time is inevitable because we are human.

I believe that the feeling of intense guilt that we experience when snapping results from our society’s expectation that parents need to protect children from feeling any negative emotions. But that’s toxic positivity. It’s not normal because humans have many emotions, including frustration, anxiety, and worry.

Moreover, raising a highly sensitive child is not easy, and you may snap more often. An emotional child is more susceptible to criticism because their shame gets quickly activated; hence effectively apologizing is crucial. Moreover, they are prone to emotional extremes – evening meltdowns, for instance, can ruin the mood of everyone in the house and put pressure on your relationship with your spouse. Yet, emotional outbursts are also an excellent opportunity for modeling behavior and apologizing for yelling.

Other challenges that highly sensitive kids have are inflexible thinking and low frustration tolerance. Their black-and-white thinking can cause problems with transitions, drop-offs, and new situations. Unfortunately, you may yell at your sensitive child when they struggle with these issues. But, again, knowing how and when to apologize is crucial for your kiddo’s self-esteem.

Fortunately, there are several tactics that you can try to learn how to apologize effectively and reconnect with your sensitive child.

How to Apologize to Your Highly Sensitive Child

1. Make the first step and ask your highly sensitive child if they are ready to reconcile

That can be as simple as “Can we hug?” or “Are you ready for a hug?”

Taking the first step toward reconciliation helps your kid release resentment and reconnect with you.

Some parents object to this tactic because they feel they cede control to the child, who might refuse to forgive them. Indeed, apologizing can be an embarrassing and humbling experience, especially if your child says, “Go away. I hate you“. However, you want to know if your child is not ready to forgive so that you can help them with their feelings.

If you find it hard to make the first step, you can use a little humor to diffuse tension.

• “Can we press the rewind button and start over? I can do it better this time.”
• “Can you erase what I said earlier with your big imaginary eraser?”

2. Talk to your highly sensitive child about your mistake

The most important thing is what you do after you snap at your kid. That is because a genuine apology from a parent is always a learning experience for the child. Additionally, the ability to apologize helps kids keep and repair strained relationships.

It’s best to take responsibility for your mistake clearly and concisely. You don’t have to over-explain your reaction; instead, you can say something like:

• “I’m sorry I yelled. I wasn’t being the kind of parent I want to be.”
• “I’m sorry for saying that. I wish I had been calmer.”
• “I’m sorry I yelled. I got annoyed, but it’s not your fault I lost my patience. I could have handled it better.”
• “I yelled, and I’m sorry if that scared you. I am under a lot of stress right now, but it’s my job to manage my behavior. It’s never a good idea to yell at someone you care about.”
• “I’m sorry I yelled at you about picking up your toys. I shouldn’t have talked to you in that manner. Next time, I’ll be calmer.”

Then you can explore strategies for calming down that you could have used, like taking a walk, taking a deep breath, or walking away from the conversation.

3. Take responsibility for whatever you can in a given situation.

Say, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to help you,” instead of, “I’m so sorry I didn’t help you.”

That way, you’re not blaming yourself; you are sorry you weren’t there. And taking even a tiny share of the responsibility will help your child step up and apologize to themselves.

4. Model tolerance for mistakes and reconnection.

Don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes. Our children learn primarily from us. If we blame ourselves constantly, they will learn to be their worst critics. But, if we try to reconnect quickly after an argument, they also know to focus on that.

Learn to tolerate your imperfection and vulnerability. Some of us find it hard to accept imperfection or vulnerability. So, we choose to keep our distance when we feel guilty for yelling at our kids. Yet, you can’t do that if you have a highly sensitive child. That’s because sensitive kids are usually introverts. And when they get upset, they retreat to their shells like turtles and are not likely to make the first step. So, whenever you are in the wrong with your child, the underlying message needs to be ‘I’m not perfect, but I’m here.'”

Here are some scripts to re-establish the connection:

• Start with the apology: “Sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to snap at you. Let me try that again. Here’s what I meant to say…”
• Make repairs: “Tell you what. We’ll get your pencils tomorrow morning when we go to the mall.”
• Make a plan for next time. Your child will learn much if you brainstorm acceptable ways to make amends (“What can I do to make this right?”) and discuss it without getting defensive. (“Next time, I will pause and take a deep breath to calm down” or “Next time I’m feeling angry, I’m going to take three big, deep breaths before I talk to you.”)
• Keep your promise. If a loved one hurts you repeatedly and apologizes every time, you will eventually stop believing the excuses. Apologies are meaningful if you know the person will make an effort to stop that behavior.

5. Apologize to your highly sensitive child, then reinforce the limit

Try to apologize for your behavior when you snap, but don’t apologize for setting appropriate limits. It’s our job to manage our own emotions, no matter what our kids do. Therefore, apologizing after yelling is essential unless you want your kiddo to imitate your explosive reactions (we know a sensitive child is prone to explosive responses). 

Here is an example:

Try to say sorry, “I was pretty upset earlier when you wouldn’t remain in bed, and I yelled at you. I apologize, and I promise I will try harder to stay calm next time.”

Then, reinforce the rule, “And you need to stay in bed when it’s time for sleep. How can we help you surrender to sleep more easily?”               

6. Say “Oops! Sorry” more often

You should consider apologizing if you behave in a way you wouldn’t want your child to act.

Saying sorry also includes saying “Oops” for minor mistakes that are part of life:

• “Oops! Sorry about that“.
• “Oops! Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that“.
• “Oops! Sorry, I forgot you wanted chocolate ice cream“.
• “Oops! Sorry I interrupted you“.

What To Avoid When Apologizing to Your Highly Sensitive Child

1. Resist the urge to blame

Many of us first apologize, then jump to excuses, saying the child was at fault. (“Sure, I yelled — but I asked you three times nicely to clean up your room before I started yelling!”).

We all know, however, that two wrongs (yelling and then blaming the child for yelling) don’t make a right (repairing the relationship). Moreover, when we make excuses, we might teach kids to blame others for their inappropriate behavior (“I’m sorry I hit my sister, but she snatched my notebook and scribbled on my drawing“).

Besides, we are adults, so it’s our job to be role models. Role modeling is how kids learn to apologize authentically and unprompted. So, if we want kids to know to express their anger and frustration appropriately, we need to model it.

Instead of,

“I had such a hard day at work. Then you got angry at supper, and I got frustrated, so I yelled. I know I shouldn’t have, but wait until you have kids who never listen; you’ll yell too!”

Try to apologize like this,

“I got frustrated, so I yelled at you. But that isn’t an excuse. No one deserves to be treated like that. When we get angry, it’s our responsibility to express our feelings without hurting others. I’m sorry.”

2. Avoid blaming yourself and show self-compassion

It can be tempting to criticize, blame, or shame yourself when you say something that hurts your child. But that doesn’t help anyone. So, rather than thinking, “I’m a horrible parent,” think, “What was I feeling like when I snapped? What was my trigger?“. Were you frustrated, disappointed, impatient, or angry? Then, give compassion to that version of yourself that behaved in a way you now regret.

Also, give yourself a time-out if you can. If your child is too young to be left unsupervised and you are the only parent present, try to play soothing music or take a few deep breaths.

Also, avoid making a big deal out of your minor mistakes. Otherwise, your child will learn to make a big deal out of their small mistakes. Highly sensitive children are more likely to struggle with toxic perfectionism and anxiety, so you must avoid overreacting to minor things.

3. Avoid invalidating your highly sensitive child.

If your highly sensitive child thinks it’s a big deal, acknowledge that, even if you share their opinion. Here is an example:

“I told you I would get you colored paper when I went to the store, and I completely forgot. I’m so sorry. I know you counted on me to come home with the colored paper.”

Why do parents resist apologizing?

Many parents insist their child says sorry to siblings, friends, or adults. And yet when we hurt our child, we often don’t feel comfortable apologizing. Why?

We fear that kids will take advantage of the situation. We sometimes justify not saying sorry by arguing that it will lessen the child’s respect for us. However, the exact opposite is true. Don’t you respect more people who take responsibility for their mistakes and work to improve things? Apologizing for your behavior doesn’t mean you let go of your family rules.

By apologizing, we admit that we have failed; that feels uncomfortable as it reminds us of past failures with our kids. The truth is that many parents feel uncomfortable apologizing, especially to kids. Parents are always right, right?

Apologizing brings up feelings of shame that we aren’t perfect parents. It makes us feel vulnerable and even humiliated. But by separating our actions from our identity, we can learn to apologize to our kids without feeling that the apology threatens our self-esteem.

If you snap frequently, try to get help.

You may need support if you find yourself lashing out at your kids often, and these intense emotions are a marked change for you. That could mean extra help with child care or seeing a therapist.

Now we’re curious about what you have to say. What is your favorite way to apologize and reconnect with your child when you’ve not been the parent you want to be? Please share it below.

After the storm had passed, we would ask him if something had happened in school that made him so mad. He would say that either a colleague upset him, his teacher drew his attention, or they had to work on a boring task. Also, he hated to work on projects where he felt he wasn’t good enough. These incidents made him extremely intense, and I wondered whether that was normal.

I thought we were past tantrums at seven years old.

I also knew about meltdowns, but I thought they were more common in children that were autistic or had ADHD. My son’s pediatrician wasn’t concerned about neurodivergence because my son had behavior problems exclusively at home. The doctor blamed meltdowns on his sensitivity.

Still, his emotional temperament caused frequent anger outbursts and meltdowns, to which I didn’t know how to react. My son struggled with emotional regulation, and I felt clueless about how to help him.

After extensive reading on environmental sensitivity, anger, anxiety, and meltdowns, here’s what I found out.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.

What is the difference between emotional meltdowns and tantrums?

The main difference between tantrums and meltdowns is that, during a tantrum, your child has some self-control and can process what happens around. What’s more, your child’s tantrum has a specific purpose. It stops when they receive what they wished, or when they understand that it’s impossible to obtain it by crying and screaming.

Meltdowns, however, are different: your child goes through a meltdown when they need to get scary feelings out. Outbursts result from emotional and sensory overload.

A meltdown is a child’s way of showing that they have exceeded their ability to regulate emotions and control their behavior. So, their conduct cannot change based on other people’s reactions. Your child also needs more time to recover and process their feelings after the emotions are out.

Is it normal for my school-age child to have meltdowns?

Meltdowns rarely happen after the age of seven, as your child’s brain develops. According to renowned French psychologist Piaget, children better understand that people may have different opinions and feelings after age seven. You have probably noticed that your child often takes everything personally. However, it’s normal for kids up to seven to be egocentric.

Outbursts that cause frequent problems at school or home or seem dangerous to your child or other people, signal an emotional regulation problem.

What causes a sensitive child to have meltdowns?

Overwhelming emotions are the leading cause of meltdowns.

Moreover, your sensitive child is highly empathetic, so they can have difficulty saying “no” and setting boundaries. Consequently, they are more likely to internalize anger and frustration and show their feelings at home. But, again, this is because home is their safe space.

Another reason your kid gathers strong feelings is that they are sensitive to criticism, which is made worse because many people label them as shy or overly emotional. Labeling can hurt their self-esteem.

So how can you help your child release anger and other scary feelings safely? How can you prevent a full-blown meltdown?

The best way to help your child get feelings out is by playing together. Kids show us how they feel better by playing games and making up stories than by speaking directly about emotions.

Here’s an effective technique that helped my seven-year-old release tension and, thus, avoid meltdowns.

What’s the best parenting tool for meltdowns?

The best parenting tool for emotional regulation is empathy. Brain research has shown that your child learns self-soothing when you co-regulate. This is because your child’s brain creates neural pathways that it accesses later when in distress.

Moreover, your sensitive child’s ability to thrive depends massively on the conditions in which they grow up. Researchers say that environmental sensitivity depends equally on genetics and the environment. So, being supportive and predictable is crucial for your child’s healthy development.

The best way to show empathy and help your child regulate emotions is by playing with them.

Play The Balloon Men Game to Prevent Meltdowns

The Balloon Men Game is a parenting tool that helps prevent meltdowns by expressing scary and overwhelming feelings through play.

A sensitive child can often use anger, yelling and hitting to cope with other emotions like frustration, sadness, and disappointment (usually caused by transitioning problems).

The Balloon Men Game can help release anger safely. This way, your child can focus on their other underlying emotions.

Materials you need for the Balloon Men Game

First, let’s see what you need for this game:

• Two or more 10-inch balloons
• Paper-made eyes, noses, lips, and feet or shoes
• Scissors
• Paper glue or tape
• Markers or colored pencils.

Now Play the Balloon Men Game with Your Child!

You will decorate the balloons with the images (eyes, nose, lips, and feet or shoes) so that each balloon represents someone known, like a parent, friend, or teacher. Then, you will start a fight between the balloons.

Let the fun begin!

Here are the main steps:

1. Blow up two or more balloons.

Your child blows up one or two balloons. You’ll probably help tie them.

2. Your child decorates their balloons.

Your child crops and colors a pair of eyes, a nose, lips, and feet. Then, ask them to make a face on the balloon that looks like someone they know well (family members, classmates, teachers, or even themselves).

Afterward, your child must glue or stick the images with tape on the balloon.

3. Decorate your balloon.

It’s best to make your own balloon look like a person that upsets your child. It does not have to be artistic, but you should reproduce the eye color at least.

The face should be full of emotion. For instance, it can be a frightening look (like a big scary mouth for an authoritarian parent that causes fear), a mean laughing face (of a classmate that makes fun of your child), or a stern look (of an unsupportive teacher).

Ensure you finish your drawing by the time your child ends so they don’t lose focus.

4. Make up a story.

Start a story about what you know causes your child’s big feelings. Here are some ideas for the story:

• homework time if the issue is a parent’s authoritative style
• a playdate if the problem is a friend who crosses personal boundaries
• a regular school day, if the issue is about the school teacher, not knowing all the answers at school, or bullying, for example.

5. Start a balloon fight.

Gently touch your balloon to your child’s while you describe your little one’s feelings. Your kid will likely join in and start a fight between the two balloons.

If they suggest what your balloon should do or say, repeat after them and see what happens.

In our case, my son began to laugh as the balloon’s eyes, nose, mouth, and feet started flying across the room. Her anger lessened as she laughed, and she became calmer.

How do you help your child release their anger? Please share with us your favorite parenting tools.

References

Feldman R. Infant-mother and infant-father synchrony: The coregulation of positive arousal. Infant Ment Health J. Published online January 2003:1-23. https://doi.org/10.1002/imhj.10041

https://ars.els-cdn.com/content/image/1-s2.0-S0149763418306250-ga1_lrg.jpg

Brumariu LE. Parent-Child Attachment and Emotion Regulation. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development. Published online June 2015:31-45. https://doi:10.1002/cad.20098

Kay C. Wood, Harlan Smith, Daurice Grossniklaus, Department of Educational Psychology and Instructional Technology, University of Georgia, https://resources.saylor.org/wwwresources/archived/site/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/psych406-5.3.2.pdf

He has unique emotional needs and connects excellently with his teacher, but until recently, he did not talk much with colleagues. He is very particular about whom he chooses as a friend. He did not participate much in class either. As a mom, I wanted the school staff to know him and value his strengths. I lost sleep over him being labeled a shy child with anxiety issues.

Whenever I asked him how was his school day, he would say, “I don’t know,” or “Okay.” Yet, at the same time, the teacher told me he hadn’t said a word in group projects.

How could I make my highly sensitive child relieve his anxiety?

After reading more on high sensitivity and how a child’s brain works, I discovered that:

1. Deeply processing and noticing details can make you prone to anxiety.

A sensitive child processes information deeply. As a result, they often observe details that school colleagues don’t. However, due to their young age, kids lack the experience or emotional maturity to understand that other people can see things differently (or not at all). As a result, sensitive children can start avoiding situations that cause them anxiety because they don’t dare to speak up: colleagues interrupting, not knowing the correct answer in class, and working on group projects with more assertive colleagues.

At the same time, a highly sensitive child can behave flawlessly in school and perform well academically. However, later they can blow up at home, where they feel safe. Meltdowns often happen when a deeply emotional child does not know how to handle negative emotions.

However, you probably know that talking is not enough when your child is close to a meltdown after the school day is over.

2. Talking doesn’t always work.

A child may not know to verbalize feelings.Or, they might be afraid of expressing their emotions, thinking there’s something wrong with them or that they made a mistake. And often, they are not aware of what bothers them.

Either way, your highly sensitive child can end up bottling up anxiety until avoidance defense mechanisms kick in (“I don’t like school. I don’t want to go to school today.”)

3. Play therapy can help a highly sensitive child with anxiety.

Play therapy can help a highly sensitive child deal with uncomfortable emotions. Role-playing and playing with dolls and miniatures, where you reconstruct a situation that bothers your child, can help them increase their level of tolerance in stressful situations.

The garbage bag technique is one excellent play therapy strategy that helped my son.

What is the garbage bag technique?

Through play, this technique will help your highly sensitive child identify problems that cause anxiety and find solutions. It’s best for kids that know how to write sentences.

How does the garbage bag technique work?

Your kid notes down three problems from home, and three at school, then focuses on finding solutions. Finding solutions will empower them to feel more in control of their life. Moreover, writing down the problems helps with relieving the big emotions.

What you need for the garbage bag technique:

• Two brown paper bags (like paper sandwich bags)
• Colored pencils
• Twelve paper strips or for noting down problems

You can replace the paper bag with a can and play the “worry can” or the “sad can,” depending on what challenging behavior you need to tackle.

What are the main steps?

Doing this exercise is best when your highly sensitive child is calm and focused.

1. Make drawings on the paper bags and start talking about garbage

Give your child one of the two brown bags and ask them to draw on it whatever they choose. At the same time, you will draw on your bag, too.

While you do your drawings, you can start a talk about the definition of garbage. Here’s an example:

“Do you know what garbage is? It’s what you throw away in the garbage can once you no longer need it. It’s like the banana you left under your bed for two weeks. Do you know what I mean?”

Then, say what happens when we don’t throw away our garbage:

“What if the trash was never picked up? What if it remains in your home for months and months? Then, you won’t be able to move or sit. You would even have to carry your garbage with you wherever you went. You would take it with you everywhere you went, to school, in your bed. You would never get rid of it. “

2. Draw a comparison between garbage and bottled-up emotions

Here’s an example:

“Well, we keep garbage like that inside of ourselves. Things that make us feel anxious and uncomfortable.”

3. Note down problems and put them inside the paper bag

Now, you can explain to your kid to write down three issues from home and then thee from school:

“So, I’ll give you six paper strips once we finish drawing. We will write down six examples of our garbage that bothers us, and we’ll put them in the garbage bags.

Let’s start with something from home. Something that bothers you a lot. You can note it down on one of your paper strips.”

You will start writing down a problem your kid has, then say what you have written out loud. For instance, I wrote, “I yell a lot when I’m upset.” This way, you’ll guide your kid on how to put his problems on paper. For example, my son wrote, “I hate it when mom and dad fight.” His second problem was, “I hate it when mom yells.”

Now, list three problems from school.

“Now that both of us have three examples of garbage from home let’s note down three pieces of garbage from school.”

Again, you’ll lead by example. For instance, you can say, “I don’t like playing in groups.” Afterward, you can ask your child to do the same. For example, my son wrote, “The girls in my team don’t let me speak.“

4. Put the garbage bags away

Then, put the brown paper bags away and let your highly sensitive child think about your game for several days. Then, continue playing:

“Now we are going to close up our garbage bags, and we’re going to talk about them in two days. Then, on Thursday, you can choose a piece of garbage from your bag, and we’ll play until we find out what we can do about it.”

5. Role play with your child

The next day, you can ask your child to choose a piece of paper from the garbage bag. For instance, my highly sensitive child picked “I hate it when mom and dad fight.”

The next step is to play a game focusing on that specific issue (in our case, parents fighting).

It has to be a role-play or a game with figurines (like Lego), stuffed animals, or dolls. You can model the scene from clay or play dough if you don’t have appropriate toys. Your aim is for the game to resemble reality as much as the child needs.

In our case, I used to fight with my husband in the living room while our son watched TV on the couch. So, besides the three figurines, we needed a sofa, a TV set, and some pieces of furniture.

Your child will likely find solutions themselves, but sometimes they need guidance. For example, you might need to direct the role play to stick to discussing the problem.

Talk in the third person so your child feels safe to take control and find a solution.

A Take-Home Message

Anxiety can make our special kids avoid situations that are emotionally flooding. If they can’t avoid it (like going to school and participating in group projects), a highly sensitive child might behave flawlessly in school and bottle up their big feelings.

The garbage bag technique is an easy and fun way to get the feelings out and help solve problems.