How To Manage 9-Year-Old Emotional Meltdowns

Do you feel like you’re stepping on eggshells with your 9-year-old because of their emotional meltdowns?

Many deeply feeling children are loving and kind, and do well in school, but often they’ll come home and have outbursts. If you are the main caregiver, you probably take the brunt of the emotional outbursts. These fits can be a source of frustration and confusion – for both you and your child.

So why do 9-year-olds have emotional meltdowns?

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths.

Understanding emotional meltdowns in a 9-year-old

Nine-year-olds are more complex than adults give them credit. Their bodies are changing, their emotions are intensifying, and their friendships become more important – all at the same time. This exciting phase can also be a recipe for meltdowns that leave your child feeling a bit lost, and you feeling tired and frustrated.

Here’s a deeper look at some of the key factors contributing to meltdowns in this age group:

• Developmental hurdles: Your child’s brain is undergoing significant changes in the pre-teen years, affecting their ability to regulate emotions. Strong feelings like anger or sadness might feel overwhelmed by strong feelings like anger and sadness, and lack the maturity to express them effectively. In addition, feeling ashamed and vulnerable because of how they feel can also fuel the anger.
• Need for independence and low frustration tolerance: The desire for independence is strong at this age. They want to do things on their own terms, but their skill level and low frustration tolerance (many deeply feeling children get easily frustrated) can sometimes clash. This mismatch can lead to outbursts when things don’t go according to their plan.
• Sensory sensitivities: Many children have sensory sensitivities that contribute to meltdowns. Overstimulation from loud noises, bright lights, or uncomfortable clothes can be overwhelming and trigger outbursts. If you feel that your child struggles with sensory issues, check out our FREE 8 Sensory Cheat Sheets to understand the sensory needs behind a tantrum and learn easy sensory play ideas.
• High-demand environment: Some children thrive when raised using a low-demand parenting approach. That’s because constant demands at school and home can feel overwhelming for some kids, leading to challenging behaviors.
• Being a highly sensitive child: Some children are simply wired to be highly sensitive. They are more sensitive than kids their age. They process information, emotions, and sensory input more intensely than others. This can make them more susceptible to feeling overwhelmed and experiencing emotional meltdowns in situations that might seem ordinary to others. Moreover, some highly sensitive children also have underlying conditions like anxiety, ADHD, autism or learning difficulties.

Sensitivity makes 9-year-old tantrums more frequent

Occasional meltdowns might seem typical for a child, but frequent ones can be a clue that something deeper might be going on. For many kids, it could be a sign of high sensitivity. Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is a personality trait shared by about one third of people, both kids and grown-ups! Psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron first coined the term “highly sensitive person” about 30 years ago.

Highly sensitive kids see the world differently. They tend to be super empathetic and super in tune with the world around them. However, this same trait can also make them more prone to feeling overwhelmed than their peers. Without unconditional love and support, and understanding tailored to their unique needs, those big feelings can easily turn into emotional meltdowns.

Here are some telltale signs that your child might be a highly sensitive child (HSC), deeply feeling child, sensitively wired kid (whatever term you choose to use):

Emotional Intensity:

• Big emotions: HSCs feel emotions deeply, both positive and negative ones. Joy can be overflowing, and frustration can quickly escalate into meltdowns. If you feel like your child goes from 0 to 10 in one second, check out our Feelings Check-In freebie to equip your HSC with practical coping skills.
• Lots of empathy: HSCs tend to be highly empathetic, picking up on the emotions of others easily. This can be overwhelming in crowded or emotionally charged situations.
• Easily upset: Sensitively wired kids might be more easily upset by criticism, disappointment, or even minor changes in routine.

Sensory Sensitivities:

• Picky eaters: Strong sensitivities to tastes, textures, or smells can make them picky eaters.
• Noise sensitivity: Loud noises, like sirens or crowded environments, can be overwhelming and trigger meltdowns.
• Touch sensitivity: They might dislike certain clothing textures, tags, or uncomfortable fabrics.

Social Interactions:

• Prefers quiet play: Overstimulation can be draining, so they might prefer quiet activities like reading or solo play over large group activities.
• Observant: Deeply feeling children might appear shy initially, but they are often keen observers, taking time to warm up to new people and situations.
• Needs more downtime: After social interactions, they need quiet time to recharge and process all the social cues and emotions they’ve picked up on.

Other Signs:

• Highly creative: Many deeply feeling children have a rich inner world and are highly creative. This can be expressed through art, music, or imaginative storytelling.
• Strong sense of fairness: They tend to have a strong sense of justice, often sticking up for what they believe in.
• Perfectionism: The desire to do things “right” can sometimes manifest as perfectionism, leading to frustration if expectations aren’t met. Perfectionism can then lead to anxiety, which can trigger emotional meltdowns.

These signs can vary from child to child, and the presence of a few doesn’t necessarily mean your child is highly sensitive. However, if you recognize many of these characteristics, it’s worth checking out our Highly Sensitive Checklist for FREE.

17 Tips For Managing Emotional Meltdowns in 9-Year-Olds

Before the Meltdown

The best defense against a meltdown is a good offense – by recognizing the warning signs and taking proactive steps, you can often head it off at the pass. Here are five key tips to help you manage emotional meltdowns in your 9-year-old before they erupt:

• Learn your child’s triggers: Every child has their own meltdown triggers. It could be hunger, lack of sleep, a change in routine, or overwhelming social situations.  Pay close attention to your child’s behavior and identify situations, emotions, or physical cues that typically precede a meltdown. Once you know the triggers, you can proactively manage them.
• Routine is your friend:  Children at this age thrive on routine.  Establish predictable routines for meals, bedtime, homework, and playtime.  Having a clear structure provides a sense of security and reduces anxiety, which can be a major meltdown trigger.
• Open communication is key:  Create a safe space for open communication where your child feels comfortable expressing their feelings – big or small.  Actively listen to their concerns and validate their emotions, even if you don’t always agree.  This will help them feel heard and understood, reducing frustration and the likelihood of emotional meltdowns.
• Teach your child with coping skills:  Equip your child with healthy coping mechanisms to manage strong emotions before they reach a boiling point.  Deep breathing exercises, body scan, mindfulness techniques, movement strategies or using an emotions journal can be powerful tools.  Practice these techniques together during calm moments, so they become readily available when needed.
• Offer choices:  Nine-year-olds are yearning for independence.  Offer them choices whenever possible, even if it’s something simple like picking out their outfit or choosing a snack.  This sense of control empowers them and reduces frustration that might otherwise lead to an outburst.

During the meltdown

When the meltdown hits, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But remember, staying calm is key to helping your child navigate the storm. Here are five easy tips to guide you through the meltdown itself:

• Shift the focus on your emotions: It might sound counterintuitive, but the most important thing parents can do is to remain mindful of their own emotions during an outburst.  Your child is feeding off your energy, and a calm presence will provide a sense of security and stability.  Take deep breaths, remind yourself it’s temporary, and project a sense of calmness even if you don’t entirely feel it. 
• Respect their space (unless safety is at risk):  The urge to give your child a hug might be strong, but sometimes offering them space is the best approach.  Ask them what they need and let them know you’re there for them if they need you.  This allows them to work through their emotions in their own way.  However, if safety is at risk, intervene calmly and firmly to prevent them from hurting themselves or others.
• Validate their feelings: Don’t try to minimize their emotions by saying things like “It’s not a big deal” or “Don’t be silly.”  Instead, acknowledge their feelings with empathy.  For example, you could say, “I see [insert problem] makes you feel frustrated right now” or “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed.”  Validating their emotions helps them feel heard, which helps them go back to calm more quickly.
• Use “I” statements:  Instead of placing blame, use “I” statements to express concern.  For example, “I feel worried when you yell” is more effective than “You shouldn’t be yelling.”  “I” statements help set boundaries while keeping the focus on the situation, not the child.
• Minimize distractions: During an outburst, your child’s senses might be overloaded.  Remove any unnecessary distractions. For example, walk away from loud noises and crowds, and find a quiet place to calm down.

After the meltdown

The aftermath of a meltdown can be delicate. Your child might be feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or simply exhausted. It’s also a great moment to connect. Here are seven tips to help you navigate the post-meltdown phase:

• Reconnect: Once the storm has passed and both of you are calm, try to reconnect. This could be a hug, a shared activity you both enjoy (like doing a puzzle together), or simply watching a movie together. 
• Talk it out (without blaming): When everyone is calm, have a conversation about what triggered the outburst or the meltdown. Avoid blaming or criticizing your child. Instead, use open-ended questions to understand what triggered the meltdown.  For example, “What happened before you got so upset?”, or “What could have helped you feel calmer?”  This conversation helps you identify potential triggers and brainstorm solutions together.
• Positive reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise your child’s efforts to calm down after the meltdown.  You could say, “I’m so proud of how you calmed yourself down by taking deep breaths” or “It’s great that you used your coping skills to feel better.”  Positive reinforcement encourages them to continue using those healthy strategies in the future.
• Problem-solve together: Now that you understand the triggers, work together to brainstorm solutions.  This empowers your child and creates a sense of ownership over managing their emotions.  For example, they might need to communicate their needs earlier, request a quiet space when feeling overwhelmed, or agree on a “calm down” signal when they need a break.
• Celebrate your child’s strengths: Focus on your child’s superpowers to fuel your patience when you feel tired and frustrated by their behavior. Their outbursts might be loud but with a little understanding, you can teach them how to navigate those big feelings.
• Prioritize self-care: Dealing with frequent emotional meltdowns can be draining.  However, parenthood doesn’t equal martyrdom.  Remember to make time for yourself to replenish your energy reserves.  Whether it’s taking a relaxing bath, enjoying a hobby, or drinking coffee with a friend, taking care of yourself is key to helping you become the parent you want to be.
• Educate yourself about highly sensitive children: There are some great resources to help you understand highly sensitive children and how you can help them thrive. Elaine Aron, who coined the term “highly sensitive person” is a great way to start. Her book is “The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them”.

Our Big Feelings Child kit can also help you understand your child’s sensitivity. Packed with practical strategies and helpful scripts, the kit empowers you to become the parent you want to be. Uniquely, the kit includes a dedicated section for parents to focus on their own emotional well-being, empowering you to become the best parent you can be for your child. If you’re not ready for a deep dive yet, you can also check out our FREE Printables.