Why Tweens Have Emotional Meltdowns and How to Help Them

All children struggle with managing their feelings at times–after all, they’re still learning! However, if you feel as though your tween is crying over everything, they may need special support. In this article, we explain why your tween (ages 8 to 12) may struggle with emotional meltdowns and offer practical tips for how you can help them.

Before continuing, we thought you might like to download our Anger Wheel printable for FREE. This printable can give your child eight simple coping tools to cope with anger safely, without hurting themselves or others. You can print it as a poster and hang it in your child’s room or in your classroom if you’re a teacher.

All children are bound to have outbursts from time to time. After all, they’re still kids! Their brains are still developing, so it’s unrealistic to expect them always to remain calm. Many adults aren’t capable of emotional regulation 100% of the time.

At the same time, frequent outbursts aren’t as common in school-aged children. 9-year-olds who continue to struggle with temper tantrums and emotional meltdowns are often highly sensitive, deeply feeling children. By learning more about highly sensitive children and their unique needs, you can support your child more effectively in these challenging moments.

How The Highly Sensitive Brain Works

We are all aware of what happens around us, some more than others. It’s a survival mechanism. This is how, in prehistoric times, we sensed danger. However, some people notice subtle details that most of us miss, and they react more, for better or for worse. These people are more sensitive to their surroundings. According to research, highly sensitive people account for about one-third of the population.

Researchers are still learning why some people are more sensitive than others. However, several theories try to explain why some individuals react more strongly to emotional and sensory stimuli.

One theory suggests that highly sensitive people have more active “mirror neurons.” In 2014, a brain imaging study found that highly sensitive people have consistently higher activity levels in parts of the brain that process social and emotional stimuli. This higher activity level means they can easily relate to and understand others’ emotions, even if they don’t know them personally. (However, sensitive individuals tend to be most compassionate to people they know well).

Another theory is that sensitively wired children might have a lower “trigger point” for their sympathetic nervous system, which is the part of our nervous system responsible for the “fight-or-flight” response. As a result, highly sensitive kids might be more easily startled or overwhelmed by stressful or exciting situations.

Finally, some experts suggest that highly sensitive individuals might have a higher base level of alertness, implying that their brains are more active even while at rest. This indicates that they might be more attuned to their surroundings and more likely to perceive and react to stimuli.

Overall, the exact mechanisms underlying heightened sensitivity are complex and likely involve several factors. However, understanding these theories can help parents and educators better understand and support highly sensitive children.

Now that you’ve seen how a highly sensitive brain works, let’s see how a tween’s brain works:

Tween Developmental Milestones (8-12 Years Old)

Kids can think more logically and use their words to solve conflicts at this age. That means that by the time they reach 8-9 years old, they can usually talk it out when they struggle with big emotions and have fewer anger outbursts.

In addition, tweens also start to feel more self-conscious, so it can be hard for them to deal with difficulties like language problems or trouble keeping up with schoolwork. This can lead to them acting out because they’d rather be seen as ‘bad’ than ‘dumb.’

In the tween years, kids experience a wide range of emotions, and it can be tough for them to manage these feelings. When they have a hard time coping, it can show up in different ways:

• Mood changes: Your child may often feel angry, sad, or anxious and can even experience emotional meltdowns. They may also develop new fears or panic symptoms.
• Withdrawal from Social Activities: Your kid might start avoiding activities they used to enjoy with their friends and spend more time alone or in their room. In extreme cases, that can look like an emotional shutdown.
• Difficulty Concentrating: Your child might struggle to pay attention in school or follow instructions. In addition, they might lose interest in activities they used to enjoy or experience changes in their appetite or sleep.
• Physical Symptoms: headaches and stomach aches (read more about somatization here)

What Are Emotional Meltdowns?

Your child’s brain constantly receives and processes input from the environment, and then the child reacts based on that input. In a normal situation, this process is smooth. However, when there’s a lot of input but low output, then emotional meltdowns occur.

For example, the school environment has emotional and sensory stimuli (lots of input). However, your kiddo needs to be on their best behavior at school and keep their emotions in check (low output). That means they will release the negative energy when they feel it’s safe, usually at home.

The brain overload that happens throughout the day is like when too many notes are played on a piano simultaneously, creating a cacophony. In your child’s brain, the different parts of the nervous system start to “jangle,” causing a surge of emotions and physical sensations that they bottle up until their brain gets overloaded.

The limbic system, the part of the brain responsible for emotions, goes into overdrive, and the HPA axis, the body’s stress response system, kicks into high gear. This causes your child to experience a flood of emotions like anger, anxiety, and frustration.

At the same time, the sensory system becomes hypersensitive, making the child more aware of even minor stimuli. That can, in turn, lead to sensory overload, making it difficult for them to think logically.

While emotional meltdowns are healthy because they help to release bottled-up feelings, how much is considered normal for a tween?

Is It Normal For A Tween To Have Emotional Meltdowns?

According to experts, while emotional outbursts are common for toddlers and preschoolers, they should typically subside within a few minutes when the child is five or six. If outbursts persist for longer, like 15, 20, or 30 minutes, that may be a sign of an underlying issue, like ADHD (there is an overlap between ADHD symptoms and high sensitivity).

A recent study found that over 75% of children with severe temper outbursts have ADHD. Experts suggest that inattention, inability to complete tasks, and difficulty dealing with boredom could contribute to explosive behavior.

Children with ADHD may also have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, which is when a person feels an intense emotional discomfort related to rejection. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria can also lead to frustration and anger outbursts.

Moreover, according to this study (see Table 1), children who have had three or more temper outbursts per week for the past month may be at risk of a mental health condition, like severe mood dysregulation. In this case, it’s best to consult a specialist.

It’s our duty, as parents and educators, to teach our sensitively wired kids healthy stress-coping skills so that they are less likely to develop mental health conditions.

The first thing you can do to help your child is to identify their triggers so that you can prevent their emotional meltdowns. Here are the most common triggers of deeply feeling children:

Triggers for Emotional Meltdowns

• Sensitive kids are sensitive to criticism. They can take personally the slightest hint that they have done something wrong.
• Changes in routine. Deeply feeling children thrive on consistency, so changes in their daily routine can be upsetting. This could include changes in bedtime, mealtimes, school schedules, or travel plans.
• Sensory sensitivity: Some kids are more sensitive to sensory stimuli, such as noises, artificical lights, strong smells, or crowds. These stimuli can overwhelm their nervous systems, leading to meltdowns.
• Feelings of unfairness: Deeply feeling children have a strong sense of fairness and justice, and they can become distraught when they think that someone has been unfair to them or others.
• Pressure to perform or high expectations: Sensitive children may feel pressure to meet the expectations of others, like parents and teachers, which can lead to anxiety.
• Feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem. A highly sensitive child’s self-confidence tends to drop over time as a result of mounting criticism (“You’re too shy,” “Why don’t you try it, look how brave Mike is, he’s already done it,”) and stressful experiences (some uncomfortable experiences may seem minor to most of us, but remember that highly sensitive kids feel things deeply).
• Lack of quiet time. Your child may get easily overwhelmed by a long day at school, a packed full schedule, too much social interaction, and intense emotions in others. Thus, they need quiet time and space to recharge. However, not having plenty of daily downtime can lead to emotional meltdowns, which are your child’s way of releasing pent-up energy.

While these are some common triggers for sensitive children, it’s not an exhaustive list. Review our Highly Sensitive Child Checklist if you’re still unsure whether your child is highly sensitive.

Coping Strategies For Your Sensitive Tween’s Emotional Meltdowns

It is essential to be prepared to help your child when they’re feeling big emotions. Here are some calming and sensory strategies that can help your child and your whole family feel supported.

Let’s dive in!

1. Manage your emotions before helping your child with theirs

Many of us were never taught effective emotional self-regulation strategies, which makes it difficult for us to remain the calm, grounded leader that children need. If this is you, know that you’re not alone. Here are some tips to help you stay calm during your child’s emotional meltdowns:

• Give yourself some compassion: try, “It’s okay for this to trigger me. It’s triggering because I used to get punished when I behaved like that.” or “I feel nervous. It’s okay. I don’t have to copy my parents’ reactions. I can break the cycle”.)
• Take a few minutes to calm yourself to calm your child. ( “I need a moment to calm down; then, we’ll see how we can make things better.”) Only an emotionally regulated parent can help an emotionally dysregulated child calm down.
• Don’t take emotional overreactions personally. Just as we all occasionally lose our calm, it’s understandable that our kids will have moments when their emotions get the better of them. But before we assume that their outbursts mean they’re disrespectful or don’t care about our rules, remember that they often feel overwhelmed and confused. They may not fully understand their emotions, leading to frustration and lashing out. Instead of reacting with anger or reprimands, it’s essential to approach these situations with empathy and understanding. Help them identify what’s triggering their emotions and work together to find healthier ways to express themselves.

2. Validate the emotion, not the behavior

It’s natural to want to stop your child when they are acting out, but forcing them to stop often makes them worse. Instead, let your child express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

Here are some scripts that you can use to prevent a situation from escalating:

• “I can see that you’re really angry right now. Let’s talk about what’s making you feel this way.”
• “You seem really upset. It’s okay to feel angry/sad/frustrated, but it’s not okay to yell/hit/hurt others.”
• “It’s important to take a break when you’re feeling angry to calm down before you say or do something you don’t mean.”

3. Avoid dismissing your child’s experience because that can make emotional meltdowns worse

We often get so caught up in our child’s big feelings that we disconnect from them. This reaction often stems from our own childhood, when we weren’t allowed to show strong emotions. However, saying things like “you’re fine” and “you’re okay” when your child is upset will only make them feel even more overwhelmed.

Sensitively wired kids are more likely to feel rejected (those with ADHD may even have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria), so making them feel understood is crucial.

4. Avoid making your child get defensive

Your sensitively wired child is likely to feel defensive when they’re feeling criticized or blamed. So, instead of using accusatory language like “you got mad,” try using “I language” to convey your understanding and empathy. For instance, instead of saying, “You got mad when you couldn’t play video games,” try saying, “I can see how it was frustrating when you couldn’t play video games.” By using “I language,” you focus on your feelings and reactions rather than putting your child on the defensive.

5. Take a step back when your child is close to an emotional meltdown

It’s best to give each other emotional space when things get heated. So try to step back and calm down before engaging in any further discussion if you or your child feel mad. This could mean taking a few minutes to breathe deeply, listening to calming music, taking a shower or going for a walk.

Remember, you’re modeling emotional regulation for your child. When you can stay calm and composed even in challenging situations, you’re teaching your child that it’s possible to manage their emotions effectively. Over time, as your child sees you practicing these skills, they’ll be more likely to incorporate them into their behavior.

6. Teach your child how to set emotional boundaries in order to prevent emotional meltdowns

Sensitive children are uncomfortable setting boundaries and often end up bottling up emotions. Bottled anger can easily lead to a meltdown at home, where they feel safe. That’s why teaching your child to set limits with others is so important. Learning to set boundaries is crucial for preventing emotional meltdowns. Here are some ways to do that:

• Practice what you preach and advocate for your own needs: By seeing you practicing boundaries, your sensitive child will gradually feel safe to express their feelings instead of bottling them up.
• Respect your child’s boundaries: Validating each time your kid sets a limit helps them practice setting boundaries. For example, if your kid says, “I don’t want to kiss Grandpa,” you might say, “Sure, honey. How do you think you could greet him instead?” instead of “That’s unkind.”
• Teach your child about positive self-talk: A deeply feeling child often feels ashamed of setting limits even if the other person has overstepped boundaries. That feeling of guilt might hide low self-esteem problems, so fostering positive self-talk is crucial.
• Teach I-statements: Here are some examples: “I don’t like it when you…because I worry that…”, “I’m sad because…”, “That makes me feel angry. Please stop.”

7. Help your child build resilience in order to reduce emotional meltdowns

Deep-feeling kids often have difficulty handling frustration, leading to emotional meltdowns. This might be because they’re extra sensitive, making even minor setbacks feel like a big deal. Plus, they might not have fully developed the ability to recognize and express their emotions. Sometimes, parents’ eagerness to swoop in and fix things can make it worse. By solving their kids’ problems too quickly, parents can deprive them of opportunities to learn to deal with setbacks and build resilience. Additionally, some kids get stuck in a cycle of dwelling on the negative, reinforcing frustration and discouragement.

Whatever the cause, as parents and educators, we need to help sensitive children be more emotionally resilient. One way to do that is to help them break down problems into smaller steps using the Step Ladder Approach. This approach involves breaking down anxiety-provoking situations or tasks into smaller, manageable steps. Children can build confidence by starting with less challenging steps and progressively moving towards more difficult ones. You can find more about it in this post: How to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Overcome Worries with the Step Ladder Approach.

8. Deep breathing

Taking deep breaths can help children and adults calm down when they are close to an outburst.

There are many fun ways to teach children deep breathing exercises. If you’re not sure where to start, print this FREE Star Breathing Exercise.

9. Quick Body Scan

Another fun strategy that your child can practice anywhere is the Quick Body Scan exercise. The Quick Body Scan is a simple and effective technique to help kids calm down and manage their emotions. It’s a mindfulness exercise that helps kids focus on their bodies. This can help them identify early signs of stress or anxiety and take steps to calm down before their emotions get too overwhelming.

How to do a Quick Body Scan exercise:

• Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
• Focus on your toes. Notice if they feel relaxed, tense, or somewhere in between.
• Gradually move your attention up your body, focusing on each part: your feet, calves, thighs, hips, stomach, chest, back, shoulders, arms, hands, face, and head.
• Notice any sensations in each part of your body, such as tightness, warmth, coolness, or tingling.
• If you notice any areas of tension, try to release the tension by taking a deep breath and slowly tensing and relaxing the muscles in that area.
• Continue scanning your body up and down until you reach your head.
• When you’re finished, open your eyes and take a few more deep breaths.

10. Sensory activities

Sensory activities can be a fun way for kids to express themselves, especially those who tend to hold their feelings in. Getting physical can help them release those pent-up emotions and feel better.

Here are some fun and engaging movement exercises for children:

• Movement activities: dance, jump rope, or do yoga.
• Rocking: Sit on a yoga ball or a sturdy chair and gently rock back and forth. This movement will help stimulate the vestibular system, which is responsible for balance.
• Balance challenges: Stand on one foot, then on the other. Also, try standing on a balance board, wobble cushion, or walk heel-to-toe.
• Deep pressure: Wrap a firm blanket or towel around your child and have them lie on their stomach or back. This activity will provide deep pressure stimulation, which can help to calm the nervous system.
• Resistance exercises: push against a wall or use resistance bands to strengthen muscles.
• Heavy work: carry boxes or bean bags or (make sure the weight of the objects is age-appropriate)
• Grounding exercises: Have your child stand with their feet shoulder-width apart and their toes spread wide. Then, have them slowly bend down and touch their toes, focusing on the sensations in their feet and legs.
• Sensory play: Engage your child in sensory play activities that involve touch and movement, such as playing with play dough, slime, kinetic sand, or water. Sensory play helps to release endorphins, which have mood-boosting effects.

11. Journaling

Journaling can be a valuable tool for children of all ages, providing a safe and private space to express their thoughts and feelings. While open communication is critical, a feelings journal adds a private space for your sensitive kid to explore their emotions. Let them choose a special notebook to express themselves through writing, drawing, or whatever feels right.

12. Remind your child of past successes

Brainstorm, together with your child, past experiences when they’ve safely managed emotional meltdowns or big emotions. For instance, if your nine-year-old is anxious about making new friends in the new school year, remind them that they’ve gone through similar situations before. While it may have been tricky initially, they’ve proven their ability to overcome these challenges.

You may even make a poster that celebrates their past successes: your child should be able to add anything like a message or a picture of something they are proud of. You can use a poster board or a large sheet of paper or make it a digital poster. Just make sure the poster is big enough for the child to add all they are proud of.

Celebrating your child’s strengths and rewarding positive behaviors is essential for sensitive children. That’s because they tend to be hard on themselves and are very sensitive to criticism. Focusing on what your child does well, you help them build up their self-esteem.

13. Reassure them that you’re here to support them no matter what

Focusing on “good” behavior and past successes is important, but it’s equally crucial for children to understand that difficult situations and uncomfortable emotions are an inevitable part of life. The key is to help your child develop coping mechanisms for these challenges.

By practicing some of the other things we’ve discussed, like holding space for your child’s feelings and helping them set emotional boundaries with others, your kiddo will learn that they don’t have to go through the ups and downs of life alone.