Remaining calm during your 4-year-old’s meltdown can be challenging, even for a veteran parent. If you’re struggling with how best to help your 4-year-old during an emotional meltdown, you’re not alone.
Before we begin, we thought you might like our Deep Breathing Exercises. Deep breathing is a simple yet powerful tool to help kids calm down when they’re feeling overwhelmed. Print these cards or create a calming corner with our posters. Check them out now!
Your guide to a 4-year-old meltdown
As a parent, you know that children occasionally have tantrums. But sometimes, we reach a point where we wonder, “How much of this is considered “normal” behavior? They’re too emotional.”
Many moms and dads find it tough to help kids handle strong emotions. If you’re feeling this way, don’t worry; you’re not the only one. Teaching a child how to control their feelings can be tricky. And you know what? Plenty of grown-ups also have trouble showing their emotions in a good way.
The good news is that we can learn to manage and express our feelings. I know you can, too. To begin, it’s a good idea to learn more about how your child’s brain works. Let’s dig deeper.
Tantrums versus Emotional Meltdowns
You’ve probably seen your fair share of tantrums as a parent to a 4-year-old. But if you’ve reached the point where you wonder if your child is too emotional, then you’ll want to know the difference between a tantrum and an emotional meltdown.
A tantrum and an emotional meltdown are both intense displays of emotions in children, but they differ in their underlying causes and expressions:
Tantrum:
- Cause: Tantrums are often triggered by a specific event or situation, such as not getting a desired toy, treat, or attention. Children having a tantrum feel angry and frustrated and want something they can’t have.
- Expression: During a tantrum, a child may shout, cry, kick, or even hit. They might use these actions to manipulate a situation or seek attention.
Though temper tantrums can be challenging, they are considered normal development for a 4-year-old. From time to time, all kiddos hit, bite, shout, run away, whine, and defy parents and teachers. But they become a problem when they happen often and last longer than for a typical child. Experts say that over half of children aged 18 months to 4 years have more than one tantrum per week.
A 4-year-old will likely show strong emotions in social settings or when faced with complex academic tasks. In addition, 4-year-olds are also pretty good at using language and are less impulsive than two or 3-year-olds, so they are more likely to shout and say hurtful words than say, hit, and bite.
Emotional Meltdown:
- Cause: Conversely, emotional meltdowns are usually not linked to a specific trigger. They can occur when a child becomes overwhelmed due to sensory overload, exhaustion, or inability to cope with emotions.
- Expression: A child may lose control over their behaviors in a meltdown. They might sob uncontrollably, scream, hyperventilate, or even appear to “shut down.”
In summary, tantrums may involve deliberate behaviors. Meltdowns, in contrast, result from emotional overwhelm and may lead to a loss of control without a clear trigger. Understanding the difference can help you support your 4-year-old.
Meltdown Signs: Four Stress Responses You Should Know About
Sometimes, we feel like children get over-emotional or angry out of the blue. While it’s true that meltdowns don’t usually have a specific trigger, they don’t just happen. They are just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s look deeper, at the base of the iceberg. We’ll see all sorts of factors, like ongoing stress, a big transition, trouble making friends, difficulty setting boundaries, an inability to express emotions healthily, sensory overload, and an immature brain.
Signs that a meltdown is coming can look different depending on where your child is, at home or in public, and with whom, meaning how safe your child feels to express their emotions. Depending on how much negative energy your kiddo has bottled up, they can also be more or less intense.
In addition, another reason why meltdowns look different is that our nervous systems react differently to stress. So, here are the four main stress response styles you should know about:
- Fight: explosive emotions, anger, aggression, hitting, throwing, rigidity and demanding perfection, dictatorial tendencies, controlling.
- Flight: feelings of panic and anxiety, fidgeting, hyperactivity, running away, can’t relax easily, obsessive or compulsive behaviors.
- Freeze: self-isolation, shutting down, not answering your questions, avoiding eye contact, difficulty making up their mind, lost in their own world.
- Fawn: rarely gets angry, people pleasing, difficulty saying “no,” can’t stand up for themselves.
When talking about big feelings, most refer to what happens in fight mode. But as you can see, children react differently when they’re overwhelmed: they may shout and scream (explode), shut down (implode), run away, or even resort to people-pleasing as a defense mechanism.
Here’s an example – the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type of child. Some children are great at preschool; the teacher might say they are the “perfect child.” But it’s a different story at home. These kiddos may have daily after-school outbursts. That’s because they are primarily in fawn mode during the day, then release their strong emotions at home, where they feel safe. In other words, the daily outburst at home is just the tip of the iceberg.
A “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” situation is so hard for parents because no one believes the school environment is overwhelming since the child hides their feelings so well.
In the next section, we will talk about why children get so emotional.
Why is my 4-year-old so emotional?
Here, we’ll talk about the main reasons for big feelings:
4-year-old brain
4-year-old children are, by nature, emotional. Their brain is still developing, especially in emotional regulation and impulse control areas. At this stage, their limbic system is going through a growth spurt.
What is the limbic system, and why is it important? Imagine your child’s brain is like a control center for their body. It tells them when to eat, when to sleep, and how to react to different situations. Inside the brain, there’s a special part called the “limbic system.” The limbic system is like the brain’s emotions and memory manager. It helps us feel and remember things. It’s kind of like the brain’s “heart.” Think about when your child feels happy, sad, or scared. That’s their limbic system at work. It helps create those feelings. It’s also in charge of memories, like when your child remembers their last birthday party or a scary situation.
Now, a 4-year-old’s limbic system is growing fast, and there will be bumps in the road. In other words, your child’s brain is just beginning to learn emotional regulation. And with your help, they can learn faster.
Big transitions
Change can be tricky for anyone. Grown-ups sometimes struggle when they start a new job or when there’s a new child on the way. Kids feel the same way. It can be even harder for them because they usually don’t get to decide on big changes, and they might not understand why they happen and what’s happening.
When you’re four, many things can change, like when a new baby comes into your family, you move to your own room, or when you begin preschool.
Highly sensitive child
Sensitive children get from 0 to 60 faster. They get angry more easily, shy away in unfamiliar settings, have trouble with daily transitions, invest too much in friendships, and have difficulty setting boundaries. They may also have sensory issues (the jeans are too tight, the socks are itchy, etc.) In other words, they are more sensitive to stress and have a lower frustration tolerance.
If this sounds familiar, you may have a highly sensitive, strong-willed, or deeply feeling child (whatever language you may choose). These children need more downtime and more responsive parenting. They need more of us to help them navigate big feelings.
Parenting sensitive kids is tough, but many parents are struggling with this. Dr. Elaine Aron, who first coined the term “highly sensitive child,” said that about 20% of people are highly sensitive. Additional research has found that 1 in 3 individuals might be like that. That means that you’re not alone. Many parents go through the same struggles as you every day.
If you think you may have a highly sensitive child, download our Highly Sensitive Child Checklist for FREE. Check it out here!
Behavioral conditions
Some highly sensitive kids also have autism, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and sensory processing disorder (SPD) and are at risk of anxiety and depression. If your mama instinct tells you something more is going on, and your child is missing out on opportunities because of their meltdowns, don’t hesitate to contact a specialist for help.
How to help your 4-year-old manage big emotions
When helping your child work on their big emotions, it’s important to remember that meltdowns aren’t necessarily bad; they may be the only way your child knows how to show what they feel.
It’s hard to remain calm during a child’s meltdowns, especially if you’re tired and the other kids are shouting “mom, mom, mom” at the same time.
Here are some strategies to try:
1. Work on healing yourself
I believe that most of us know how to be good parents, and we know how to make our children loved. So why is it so hard to be gentle when your child has big emotions?
I think there are two main reasons for that: first, most of us weren’t raised gently, and second, we don’t have a village to support us. As a result, we live in a chronic state of stress. And it’s close to impossible to reconnect with your child when you’re in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
A good starting point is to work on understanding your triggers and healing yourself. Also, try try to find a community of like-minded people: the feeling of belonging can make us more resilient.
2. Spend time together
In our daily 9-to-5 rush, we can overlook a simple but crucial aspect of parenting: whether our little one feels disconnected from us. If they are, the cost of setting boundaries is way higher than when they trust us. That’s why emotional closeness is at the core of setting limits successfully and reducing meltdowns and tantrums.
How can you improve your connection? You can start by spending more time together. Talking, playing together, doing something exciting that you both love.
A strong emotional connection helps enlarge our kids’ window of tolerance. Though an emotional child will remain prone to meltdowns, they’ll be more manageable.
So, saying, for instance, “We won’t go to the pool today” might still trigger a stress response, but as your child is safely attuned, your words won’t tip them over into a complete meltdown and won’t degrade the trust they have in you.
3. Set boundaries kindly and consistently
Most parents know that they need to apply rules consistently. But the problem is the child overreacting to the boundary. An emotional 4-year-old might easily go from 0 to 100 and even feel painfully rejected when we pronounce the word “no.” Unfortunately, that can be difficult for parents to witness.
To avoid escalation, we might start avoiding limits. But by doing this on a regular basis, we’ll reach a point where we feel like we’re walking on eggshells. That can be draining for parents and create tension between partners.
But know that you aren’t the only one struggling – about 1 in 3 kids have a more sensitive nervous system, so there are many of us like you.
The secret is to be mindful of how you set limits. Try this:
- Be curious about their big emotions (try, “I’m here to listen to you. Can you tell me why you’re feeling so angry? I want to understand,” instead of “You have no reason to be upset”)
- Normalize all emotions, including anger and frustration, and differentiate between behaviors and emotions (“Sweetie, I know you’re feeling angry right now. It’s okay to feel that way, but it’s not okay to hit. We use our words to express our feelings.”)
- Be a team (“I understand that you’re finding it hard to share your toys. Let’s figure out a way to take turns and play together without any fighting.”)
- Time in instead of time-out (“You’re not in trouble, but it’s important to take a break when we’re upset. Let’s sit together for a few minutes and calm down.”)
- Give options (“I see that you’re upset about going to bed. Would you like to read a story or have some quiet time with your stuffed animal before bedtime?”)
If you’d like to know more about how to set limits without your child taking it personally, we’ve written about this here.
In this section, we’ve talked about how to parent a very emotional child. Next, we’re going to discuss strategies for when you’re in the middle of an emotional meltdown with an emotional 4-year-old.
How to Handle a 4-Year-Old Meltdown
1. Shift the focus from the meltdown to yourself
Meltdowns are a clear sign that your child is feeling overwhelmed. In those moments, it helps to remember that they are not giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time. Think of it this way: are you capable of being on your best behavior when you’re dysregulated? Probably not, right? It’s the same with little ones.
But what if you know what you have to do but still lose your cool? The trick is to shift your focus from the meltdown to yourself. Instead of thinking about how to end the meltdown, focus on your thoughts. Notice as they come and go out of your mind (by the way, did you know a thought lasts 90 seconds on average?) Try to remember that your job is not to end the meltdown as quickly as possible; it’s to calm yourself. A dysregulated parent can’t help a child regulate themselves
2. Check if your child needs your help to regulate
Once you feel more in control of yourself, the next step is to shift the focus to your child. Take them somewhere quiet and ask if they need your help:
- “Do you want a hug?”
- “Do you want me to hold you?”
- “How about taking a walk? How does that feel?”
- “Would you like to spend some time in your calming corner?”
If your child is so overwhelmed that they can’t settle at all, you can also try sensory strategies:
- drink a glass of cold water
- hold an ice cube
- chew gum
- play with a fidget toy
- eat something crunchy
- suck a smoothie through a straw
- apply deep pressure (bear hugs)
3. Talk about what happened when everyone’s calm
Emotional children usually take in more information than their nervous system can handle. As a result, they get overstimulated faster and can have more meltdowns. While you can’t help them stop acting like an information and emotional sponge, you can help them process their big feelings once everyone’s calm.
It also helps to discuss calming sensory strategies, such as the ones we talked about above. That way, you’ll be prepared (for example, you may want to have a fidget toy in your bag wherever you go), and your child will feel like they have some control over what’s happening.
Quick tip: Do something relaxing together before starting the conversation. You can try drawing, working on a puzzle, taking a short walk, or baking.
If you’re unsure how to help your 4-year-old with big feelings, you can try our “My Calming Tools” Poster. This poster equips your child with practical tools to manage big emotions, fostering resilience and self-confidence. Check it out!
