Does your highly sensitive child (HSC) struggle with drop-off anxiety?
In this article, we will be talking about:
- The not so obvious signs of school anxiety for HSCs
- The seven steps of the school adjustment process
- Twenty proven ways to ease HSCs’ drop-off anxiety.
Our goal as parents is to have a strong relationship with our HSC during school. A secure attachment eases school drop-off anxiety in early childhood and peer pressure in the later school years.
“Try to prise a limpet away from its rock, and it will cling all the harder.”
Jeremy Holmes, “John Bowlby and Attachment Theory”
Even if we have a solid connection to our preschoolers, a certain degree of separation anxiety drop-off is standard. It means that they feel safe expressing their negative feelings.
Changes in their environment particularly overstimulate highly sensitive children (HSCs), so expect dropping them off for school to be extra challenging. They are also likely to suffer from separation anxiety for longer than their peers because they take more time making friends and have a challenging time self-regulating.
Signs of drop-off anxiety for HSCs
Rough drop-offs usually stem from separation anxiety. Of course, there are obvious signs of separation anxiety, like crying and clinginess, but there are also surprising signs like:
- Acting out at home, becoming defiant
- Physical sickness (tummy aches, headaches)
- Fighting bedtime and morning routine
- Increased reliance on things that help them feel less dysregulated (like quiet independent play at home, watching a favorite show)
- Poor school performance
- Onlooker behavior or refusal to take part in school activities.
The seven steps of adjusting to school
Kids adjust at their own pace. Some may finish part of the phases below and then go through them again. Other children mix them. But the adjustment process exists and can last up to three or four months.
1. Discovering the class environment
In the beginning, preschoolers are busy discovering the new environment (the classroom and the school premises). At this point, HSCs may develop excessive abandonment fears (“What if Mommy won’t come back?”). At the same time, a small percentage (the high sensation extroverts) can be highly interested in the new things around them.
2. Understanding that the new schedule is permanent
Kids begin to understand that this will be the new routine and won’t go back to their old life (with you at home). So we might expect crying, clinginess, and defiance.
3. Bonding with school staff
HSCs are eager to connect to an emotionally available adult that meets their needs. They feel safe when forming a bond with a grownup at school, like a teacher, an assistant, or the school counselor.
4. Accepting the new routine
Kids know the school routine by now, which makes them feel safe. Drop-off anxiety can still happen, but entering the classroom is easier. However, preparing for school in the morning is still a struggle as transitions are hard for HSCs.
5. Making friends
They start blending in, playing with other kids, and establishing a role in their new friend group. HSCs aren’t likely to be the first to chime in, though. Instead, they will probably prefer smaller groups of two or three kids and are more likely to play games where there isn’t much need for talking.
6. Regressing for a while
Most children, including HSCs, temporarily regress as they face difficulties when making friends. Introverted HSCs, in particular, don’t usually know how to initiate and frequently think that other kids don’t want to play with them simply because they are already busy playing among themselves.
7. Happily settled
Finally, kids feel safe and relaxed at school, have stable playmates, and understand the school’s routine and rules.
20 Proven Ways to Ease HSC’s Drop-off Anxiety
1. Manage our own separation anxiety.
As parents, we need to be confident in starting our child in school. Their significant reactions are not a sign that starting school was a mistake. Instead, we could think of it as anxiety in the face of the unknown and because of missing us. Transitions are hard for children and sensitive kids in particular.
Most of us allow ourselves to feel personally responsible for our children’s feelings. We forget that feelings, both pleasant and negative, are expected. Thus, we can’t expect a sensitive preschooler to say “Okay, great!” when it’s time for drop-off, especially if they aren’t a morning person. Instead, when HSCs get overwhelmed at the thought of facing the challenges of a school day, they do what they should: vent, maybe cling to mom a little longer because she may not have a clear boundary.
It’s up to you to set your boundaries and keep in mind that expressing negative feelings instead of bottling them up is healthy. What’s more, make sure you don’t get caught up in trying to please your kid, as you might feel resentful when realizing that nothing works. Instead, try to acknowledge that your child is going through a rough period right now.
2. Acknowledge our child’s feelings.
When kids are acting out at drop-off, they are likely in a fight or flight mode, which the amygdala triggers. The amygdala is a brain structure that reacts when there is a physical threat. When in danger, our primary need is for safety and security.
That is why kids need us to make them feel safe to get out of the fight or flight mode. The best way is to empathize (“It’s okay to cry and miss me. I’m going to miss you too.”) and validate their feelings with a hug or a kiss. Reiterating that you’ll come back also helps.
At times, we, unfortunately, try to convince our kids to listen to logic (“Stop crying. Calm down and be brave”) or dismiss their feelings (“There’s nothing to worry about. You’ll be fine!”). However, brain research clearly shows that it’s difficult to reason when the amygdala takes over.
3. Be honest.
It’s important to discuss the fun parts of being at school and the hard things. For example, saying goodbye to mom or dad is sad but expected.
You can tell your child that all children go through separation anxiety at drop-off. So many children have these big feelings that scientists have even come up with a name: school separation anxiety. The good news is that it’s temporary. Soon enough, they will get used to the teacher, make friends and enjoy the activities.
Let them know that adults feel the same way too. For instance, grownups feel nervous when starting a new job. They often ask themselves questions like: “How are my colleagues going to be? What if they don’t like me? What if I’m not a fast learner?”
4. Talk about what happened at school when they are calm.
You may have noticed that the best time to get HSCs to listen to logic is when they are calm. Also, kids tend to say more when there is less pressure to talk, like in the car or during a quiet activity.
So when you find a good moment, try talking about what happened during the day. Recalling past events helps with anxiety because it wires the left side of the brain (the logical half) with the right one (the emotional half). This tactic of reframing allows your kid to understand better what happened during the day and see whether they have reasons for anxiety.
5. Read books and practice role-playing.
Picture books about school experiences and pretend play (for instance, with stuffed animals) are excellent ways to broach the subject if your kid is unwilling to talk or does not know to name their strong emotions about drop-off.
6. Come up with solutions together.
Sensitive kids have a tremendous capacity for overthinking, so expect a lot of “What if” questions, to which you can come up with solutions as a team.
| “What if you don’t have time to come pick me up?” | “The teacher will call me.” |
| “What if you have an accident?” | “Your dad will come and collect you.” |
| “What if I don’t know where the toilet is?” | Ms. Anna, your teacher, will help you.” |
| “What if I get lost on the school premises?” | “Ask for help from the first grownup that you see.” |
| “But I’ll miss you so much”! | “It’s okay to miss me. I’ll miss you, too”. |
7. Talk about past situations when they overcame separation anxiety.
You could remind your preschooler of other times when they were without you (Sunday school, spending the weekend over at Grandma’s without you), and you came back to take them. Did they have fun without Mommy? Additionally, you might talk about the things that scared your little one when they were younger. Then, consider drawing what caused them to fear and putting their work on the fridge to remember that they had succeeded in the past and could do it again.
8. Bring something from home.
It could be a bracelet to remind them of your love. Maybe you could have an identical one made for you. Other options might include a favorite toy car, book, teddy bear, family picture, or a nice little rock that you have painted together.
You could also draw a little star or heart on their hand and yours. Then, whenever your kid misses you at school, they can press on the drawing with their fingers, and you will feel it and think of them, too.
Some kids also love showing to the teacher every morning something they love: favorite clips, a drawing, or anything else that they want to show off to who is looking after them at preschool.
9. Avoid sensory overload.
Schools have a vivid sensory environment that can drain the quiet, sensitive types. The noise and the bright lights in the classroom, the taste of food at lunch, the seams on socks and underwear contribute to sensory overload.
Teach your highly sensitive preschooler to recognize their triggers and prepare in advance as much as possible. Options include wearing headphones, finding a good clothes brand, and packing a favorite snack. Having enough sleep and arriving early also helps prevent meltdowns at drop-off.
10. Make a list of calm down activities.
You may need to prepare a list of solutions if separation anxiety spirals after drop-off. It’s a good idea to share it with the school staff. Here are some options:
- Spend time in the school’s sensory room or a safe space before joining in
- Drink water
- Breath quietly for a few minutes
- Think of a nice place, like their bedroom or the beach
- Play on the playground
- Encourage quiet and independent play before interacting with peers
- One-on-one time with someone from the school staff
- Sit next to the teacher during morning activities
- Helping the teacher with the materials for the morning activities or at snack time.
11. Create a worry monster to ease drop-off anxiety.
Ask your child to draw a worry monster and give it a name. Stick the drawing on the fridge so that everyone can see that the worry monster is different from your son or daughter.
Talking to the monster at drop-off can help relieve the anxiety (“Hey, Ms. Anxiety, you are telling me that I’ll feel alone at school, but I know Miss Alice will be there and that Mom will come to pick me up in the afternoon.”). Show confidence that your kid can use their “strong” voice when speaking to the worry monster.
12. Organize small playdates with classmates.
HSCs are slow to warm up generally, so it might take them longer to make friends and adjust to school. As a result, their separation anxiety can last longer.
One way you might help is to organize small playdates with one or two kids from school in a familiar environment, like your home. Avoid inviting kids already in an established friend group which could make your child feel like an outsider.
13. Have a consistent drop-off routine.
Knowing what to expect can help your child feel more secure. Set up the wake-up routine together, and make mornings as chaos-free as possible. Prepare everything you can in the evening before, like clothes and the backpack.
Here are more tips:
- Have breakfast before leaving since your kid may be more prone to anxiety and tantrums if they are hungry.
- Arrive at school in good time. It gives your highly sensitive kid time to observe and settle.
- Be prepared for lots of tears. Additionally, you might need to lower your expectations to help you keep your patience throughout the drop-off process.
- Don’t sneak away. Though it’s tempting, it can make your kid more anxious. Instead, it’s better to say when you come back and that you look forward to hearing about their day.
- Make it short. Try to be as unemotional as possible during goodbye. Remember that the best goodbye is quick and uplifting.
14. Offer options.
Our anxiety lessens when we feel that we can control what frightens us. One way to feel in control is to identify what our options are.
Here are some examples:
- “Do you want us to say goodbye outside the cloakroom or on the sidewalk?”
- “Would you like to carry your teddy bear in the backpack or leave it in the car?”
15. Follow through on promises.
It would be best if you discussed what will happen at pick-ups. Then, you can promise your kid an incentive for pick-up time if they try to be brave at drop-off. It can be ice cream, fresh bread from the bakery, or a trip to the park.
Researchers say that external rewards are not good in the long run, so try to use them sparingly. For example, when you expect a tough week ahead (like the first week after summer break), you might use a rewards chart.
16. Meet the teacher and visit the school before classes begin.
You may have noticed that sensitive children take their time observing before joining in. If so, try taking a tour of the school premises before the summer break ends. Meeting the teacher one-to-one would also help.
Take this opportunity to ask about the school’s drop-off policy. Being informed will help you prepare in advance, so it’s not a total shock to your kid when you leave on the first day of school.
17. What is the relationship with the teacher?
Find out how the relationship with the teacher is. Sometimes, it’s not about what the teacher does but about what they don’t do. For example, if your kid gets upset about something, does the teacher talk to them or ignore the child as long as they sit quietly and don’t disturb others? Is the teacher emotionally available?
18. Talk to the teacher about your concerns.
Do they engage in learning and play? Do they settle well once in the classroom? Do other children upset your kid (maybe someone with behavioral issues)?
19. Ask the school for accommodations.
If drop-off anxiety does not show signs of easing, then talking to the teacher and school counselor about your child’s high sensitivity might be a good idea. First, you may need to explain how your kid behaves when overwhelmed by external stimuli and how you usually tackle the situation. Then, see how the staff can help. For instance, does the school has a sensory room or a safe space where your child can chill in the morning before joining their classmates?
20. Trust your gut.
When meeting the school staff, did you feel their approach was more like “Let’s meet her where she is,” or was it “We have to accommodate her because she’s different”? If you feel they don’t truly understand what your kid is going through, then ask yourself if the school’s philosophy is right for you.
Final thoughts
Overall, there isn’t a surefire way to ease tricky drop-offs for a highly sensitive child in a traditional school environment. The best we can do is to build a strong connection, validate their struggles and prepare them in advance as much as possible.
