Imagine this: It’s Monday morning, the breakfast dishes are piled high, and your little one is having a full-blown meltdown. They’re throwing themselves on the floor, refusing to get dressed, and tears are streaming down their face. Is this a power struggle or something more? You might be surprised to learn that sometimes these seemingly defiant behaviors can be rooted in anxiety. Anxiety in children can show up in surprising ways.
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If your child is anxious, remember that you are not alone. Anxiety in children is more common than we think and it affects about 1 in 5 kids.
In this post, we’ll explore six ways anxiety in children shows up disguised as other behaviors, and share three steps to feel calmer.
6 Ways Anxiety In Children Shows Up As Something Else
1. Anxiety in Children Can Show Up as Anger & Defiance
When children feel anxious, it can be overwhelming and difficult to express in a healthy way. They might not have the vocabulary or emotional maturity to articulate their worries. This can lead to a frustration response that manifests as anger or defiance. It’s like a pressure cooker; the built-up anxiety needs an outlet, and sometimes it comes out as anger or defiance, even if the situation itself doesn’t necessarily warrant such a strong reaction.
The strong reaction is essentially a fight-or-flight response triggered by the intense worry. They might lash out or become defiant because they don’t know how else to communicate their underlying fear or regain control of a situation that feels scary.
2. Over-cautiousness and asking lots of questions (“What if…?”) can hide big worries
At the heart of this behavior lies the fear of the unknown. For a child with anxiety, anything new or unfamiliar can feel like a potential threat. They might think, “What if I do something wrong?”, “What if everyone else is having fun and I’m left out?”, “What if something bad happens?” The constant “what ifs” can make them hesitant to take the plunge.
By asking a lot of questions and being overly cautious, children with anxiety are trying to gain a sense of control over the situation. The more information they have, the better prepared they feel to handle any potential challenges or social interactions.
Related: How to Encourage an Overly Cautious Child
3. Anxiety In Children Can Show Up As Avoidance
Children experiencing anxiety often develop coping mechanisms to avoid situations that trigger their worries. Here are some ways they might try to escape anxiety-provoking situations:
Physical Avoidance:
- Refusal: A child might simply refuse to participate in activities or go to places that make them anxious. This could include refusing to go to school, a doctor’s appointment, or a birthday party.
- Physical Complaints: They might develop physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches before an anxiety-provoking event.
- Tantrums: In younger children, anxiety can manifest as tantrums, a last-ditch effort to escape a situation that feels overwhelming.
Mental Avoidance:
- Procrastination: Children might delay or put off tasks or events that trigger anxiety, buying them more time (or so they hope) to avoid facing their fears.
- Distraction: They might actively seek distractions, like playing games or watching TV, to take their mind off upcoming worries or situations that make them anxious.
- Daydreaming: Escaping into their imagination can be a way to temporarily avoid real-world anxieties and create a safe haven in their minds.
Social Avoidance:
- Isolation: Children with anxiety might withdraw from social interactions or avoid making new friends due to a fear of rejection, judgment, or social awkwardness.
- People Pleasing: Trying to control every situation and please everyone around them can be a way to avoid potential social conflicts or disapproval, which can be a major anxiety trigger.
These avoidance strategies can be a way to cope with worries in the short term, but unfortunately they also make anxiety stronger in the long run.
4. Anxiety Can Lead To Lack of Focus In Kids
When a child’s mind is constantly buzzing with anxious thoughts, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything else. Imagine trying to do homework while simultaneously worrying about an upcoming presentation or a fight with a friend.
Anxiety can also make it difficult to filter out unimportant details. Imagine trying to listen to the teacher when your mind is also fixated on the ticking clock, the scratchy sweater you’re wearing, and the worry about forgetting your lunch. All this extra information bombards the brain, making it hard to focus on the main lesson.
Some children with anxiety might avoid situations that trigger their worries, like schoolwork. They may procrastinate or simply “zone out” during class as a way to avoid the potential discomfort of focusing on something anxiety-provoking.
5. Trouble Sleeping Can Be A Sign of Anxiety In Children
Imagine a hamster on a wheel in your head! When a child is anxious, their mind can race with worries about school, friends, or upcoming events. This constant mental chatter makes it difficult to quiet the mind and drift off to sleep.
There’s a two-way relationship between anxiety and sleep: just like anxiety disrupts sleep, poor sleep quality can also worsen anxiety symptoms. A tired child is often a more irritable and stressed child, creating a vicious cycle.
In addition, if a child experiences difficulty falling asleep due to anxiety on multiple occasions, bedtime itself can become associated with anxiety. This conditioned fear can make falling asleep even harder in the future, creating a vicious cycle.
Anxiety can also increase the frequency and intensity of nightmares and night terrors. These vivid dreams can wake a child up feeling scared and disrupt their sleep cycle.
In some cases, anxiety can also contribute to sleep apnea in children. This condition causes brief pauses in breathing during sleep, which can lead to fragmented sleep and daytime fatigue.
6. Anxiety Can Also Cause Physical Symptoms
Since children might not have the vocabulary or emotional maturity to express their worries verbally, their bodies might take over, expressing anxiety through physical complaints. This is called somatization. Here are some common signs of anxiety:
- unexplained tummy aches and headaches
- tightness in the shoulders, neck or chest,
- sweating
- changes in appetite.
It’s important to rule out any underlying medical conditions that could be causing the physical symptoms. A doctor can help you with this. Once medical causes are ruled out, addressing the anxiety can help alleviate the physical symptoms as well.
A Negative Mindset – Another Potential Sign of Anxiety In Children
The constant worries can impact a child’s resilience and overall mindset. Here’s how:
- Tunnel Vision: Anxiety can narrow a child’s focus onto worst-case scenarios. They might fixate on potential failures and struggles, overlooking alternative solutions or positive outcomes. Even minor challenges can feel overwhelming and lead to meltdowns or tantrums. A simple mistake on a homework assignment can turn into a disaster in their minds, leading to discouragement and giving up easily.
- Fear of Failure: The fear of making mistakes or disappointing others, which is often heightened in anxious children, can make them less likely to take risks or try new things. This can lead to a sense of learned helplessness and a belief that they’re not capable of success.
- Low Self-Esteem: A focus on potential failures can chip away at a child’s sense of self-worth. They might start doubting their abilities and feeling like they’re not good enough, further perpetuating the negative cycle.
How To Manage Anxiety In Children
1. Create a Safe Space for Open Communication
Non-judgmental listening: Let your child know you’re always there to listen, without judgment or criticism. Validate their feelings with phrases like “It sounds like you’re thinking about… How do you feel about it? or “That must be frustrating.”
Open-ended questions: Encourage them to talk about their worries by asking open-ended questions like “What can make this situation feel a little easier for you?” or “Can you tell me more about what’s making you anxious?” However, some kids don’t respond well to open-ended questions when they’re on the verge of a meltdown. In this case, ask them “yes/no” questions like, “Do you need a hug?” or “Do you need a glass of cold water or a crunchy snack? Would that help?”
Special one-on-one time: Dedicate time each day to simply connect with your child, free from distractions. This can be through playing games, reading together, or just cuddling and talking.
2. Do a Quick Body Scan When Anxiety Escalates
When anxiety escalates, it helps to do a Quick Body Scan: Ask your child which part of their body feels funny when they feel worried? Is it their tummy? Do they get a headache or do they feel dizzy?
You can also print one of the images below, then ask your child to draw an “X” or a red circle on the body part or parts that feel funny when they are anxious. Also, discuss coping strategies: what do they need to feel better? Calming or upbeat music? Doodling? A hug?
3. Build a Worry Toolbox
Create a Worry Jar: Have your child decorate a jar and write down their worries on slips of paper. They can crumple them up and put them in the jar, symbolically storing their worries away.
Write “I Am” statements: Write down positive affirmations like “I am brave,” “I am strong,” or “I am capable” on colorful strips of paper. Keep them in a box (ask your child to decorate it!), or wear them as a bracelet. Read them together whenever your kid needs a little confidence boost!
The glitter jar: Fill a jar with water, glitter, and a few drops of dish soap. When shaken, the glitter swirls around, representing anxious thoughts. Explain that as the glitter settles, so can their anxious feelings. Let them shake the jar and observe the calming effect.
5 senses exploration: Find a quiet spot and ask your child to focus on their senses. Name 5 things they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell, and 1 thing they can taste. This simple exercise helps them ground themselves in the present moment and shift their focus away from worries.
Belly breaths: Practice deep belly breaths together. Place a hand on your child’s belly and have them breathe in slowly through their nose, feeling their belly rise. Hold for a count of 2, then slowly exhale through their mouth, feeling their belly shrink. Repeat for a few minutes.
Calming or Upbeat Music: Create a playlist of relaxing or upbeat music together to help your child calm their mind and body. Encourage them to dance like nobody’s watching and let their worries melt away with every move!
Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense and relax different muscle groups one at a time. Start with your toes, scrunching them tight for a few seconds, then releasing. Move through your body, tensing and releasing each muscle group, letting go of tension with each breath.
Visualization: Ask your child to imagine their happy place, a place where they feel safe and calm. Engage their senses by describing the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings of this place. This can be a calming escape during moments of anxiety.
Mindful coloring or doodling: Engaging in creative activities can be a great way to distract from anxious thoughts and promote relaxation. Coloring mandalas or simply doodling can be a form of mindfulness for children.
Is My Child’s Anxiety Normal?
Just like with diabetes or a heart condition, anxiety disorders are treatable health concerns. But here’s the thing: it can be tough to tell if your child’s worries are part of normal development or something more.
Here are some guidelines to help you decide:
- Impact on daily life: If anxiety is affecting their ability to participate in school activities, extracurriculars they enjoy, or is causing problems with sleep, eating, or friendships, it might be time to see a doctor.
- Big changes at home: Are you noticing significant changes in your child’s behavior at home, like increased anger, difficulty concentrating, or becoming very rigid and controlling? These could be signs of anxiety that need attention.
These signs can be a good indicator to talk to your doctor. They can help you understand your child’s anxiety and create a plan to manage it effectively.
