Imagine this…
You just got everyone ready for a park playdate! Your kid excitedly planned to play tag with their best friend from school, and you already pictured yourself enjoying coffee and chats with the other parent while they play.
But then you get a phone call. The other kid can’t make it. You break the news to your child, and bam! Cheeks flushed red, full-blown frustration mode. What just happened? They see their friend tomorrow anyway, at school! It’s not a huge deal, right? So why does it feel like the world is ending for them?
You try to comfort your kid immediately: “I’m sorry, buddy. We’ll get some ice cream! It’s going to be great!”
But then you realize….
Cushioning the blow won’t solve the problem of them not adjusting to the change in plans (or not even trying) because they’re stuck feeling frustrated and can’t move on.
You want your child to be more adaptable and to give them confidence that everything’s going to be okay, even if it doesn’t go according to plan.
But how? In this article, you’ll be learning exactly that.
Common signs of low frustration tolerance in kids
Children with low frustration tolerance are often highly reactive, struggle with negative self-talk, and often blame others when something goes wrong.
Common signs of low frustration tolerance in kids include:
Emotional signs:
- Frequent outbursts and tantrums
- Excessive anger and irritability
- Difficulty tolerating negative emotions like disappointment, anger, and sadness
- Low self-esteem and negative self-talk.
Behavioral signs:
- Giving up easily
- Lashing out at others and blaming others
- Avoiding challenging situations
- Clinging or dependent behavior, needing constant reassurance
- Resisting rules and arguing frequently
- Perfectionism: difficulty accepting mistakes
- Inflexibility: difficulty adapting to changes in plans
- Struggles with friendships due to difficulty managing intense emotions and conflicts
- Regressive behaviors: reverting to thumb sucking or bedwetting when stressed.
What Causes Low Frustration Tolerance in Kids
1. Emotional regulation difficulties
When emotions overwhelm us, we cannot access the rational, thinking part of the brain. This happens often to young children, and also to highly sensitive and neurodivergent children who can go from 0 to 100 in one second.
Underlying conditions like ADHD, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, pathological demand avoidance or specific learning difficulties can cause low frustration tolerance.
2. Inflexible thinking
Inflexible thinking can make kids see situations in extremes, like “good” or “bad”, or “all or nothing”. Just like the child in our example.
Unfortunately, this thinking pattern leaves little room for compromise. Imagine a child who keeps saying “I want to watch that movie” even after you agreed that it’s not their turn to pick the movie. Not being able to control the outcome makes them feel helpless and frustrated.
3. Sensory sensitivities
Do you know that feeling when your house is a mess, your children are screaming, and there’re toys spread all over the living room floor? That feeling of irritability is related to sensory overload. It’s hard to stay calm in those moments.
It’s the same for sensory-avoidant children. Sensory overload can thin out their patience and make them feel frustrated.
6 Strategies To Help Kids Manage Low Frustration Tolerance
1. Don’t try to fix it
Whenever your child gets frustrated, don’t try to fix it. Give them a few minutes to calm down, then have a chat. Mirror their feelings (“I can’t do anything right!” -> “You feel like you can’t do anything right, are you sad?”)
Then, listen as they open up and tell them you feel like that sometimes, too. Remember that kids don’t need us to fix them; they need someone to understand their feelings.
But sometimes, kids don’t open up. They may feel like their feelings or failures make them too vulnerable, and they may feel shame. Try to build more special one-on-one time into your daily routine. The more you bond, the higher the chances they’ll want you to help them process their feelings.
2. Build coping skills for low frustration tolerance
Without knowing healthy ways to deal with frustration, kids might resort to unhealthy mechanisms like yelling, throwing things, or avoiding challenging situations. For example, a 10-year-old struggling with math may refuse to complete assignments or have angry outbursts during homework.
You’ll find below ten healthy coping skills ideas that you can use as a conversation starter. Print the infographic and discuss it with your child when they’re calm. For instance, you can ask them to pick three coping skills they’d like to try.
Positive affirmations are also essential for developing frustration tolerance. When faced with challenges, kids often engage in negative self-talk, like “I’m bad at this” or “I’ll never get it right.” Repeating a daily mantra with them in the morning or the evening before bedtime is a great way to remind them of their self-worth.
Download our FREE ”Positive Affirmations” coloring poster. You can print this poster and hang it in your child’s room or their calming corner. It’s a great way to teach them the importance of self-confidence and resilience. Check it out:
3. Create routines and predictable environments
“You promised we’d go to the park today!”
“Why are you going to your friend’s house instead? I don’t want to go there. I don’t like your friends!”
You can prevent this sort of outbursts with a predictable routine. In addition, informing your kid about the change in plans helps them mentally prepare for what’s next.
Offering choices also give a sense of control (“We can’t go to the park today. I know you were looking forward to it. But we need to go to Grandma’s instead. Do you want us to stop and get a snack on the way, or do you want us to head directly there?”
4. Plan ahead before challenging situations
Create a strategy for tricky events like family gatherings to ensure a smooth transition. For older kids, create an exit plan together before attending the event.
For younger kids, get playful and try, “Let’s pretend we are magicians and become invisible.” Then, stage your exit.
5. Offer opportunities for your child to practice patience
Patience is a learned skill. When your child is feeling calm, try something that is mildly challenging. This could be solving a puzzle, waiting in line, or working on a school project. The idea is to give the child the opportunity to practice their patience. This will also offer you the chance to help them reframe negative thinking.
6. Teach problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills
Kids with low frustration tolerance often have big emotions that are hard to manage. That’s why friendships and school life can be challenging for them.
Our FREE “Patch It Up” poster has easy coping tools to help your child overcome peer conflicts. Check it out:
3 Tips For Parents To Manage Low Frustration Tolerance
1. Learn To Stay Calm
Most of us feel like yelling back when our child is pushing our buttons. But this rarely leads to something positive (and you probably know that already!). So, instead, shift the focus from your child’s behavior to yourself. Take a deep breath or do a short five senses check-in exercise to keep your cool. And remember, your child’s frustration is not about you, it’s not your fault and you’re not the only parent trying to figure this out. Here are more tips on how to remain mindful through your child’s big feelings.
2. Don’t let frustration define your child
When kids get easily frustrated, it’s tough for everyone. However, don’t let frustration define them.
For younger kids, it helps to look at frustration like a temporary visitor, maybe like a grumpy fairy named Miss Frustration. When she shows up, instead of saying, “You’re always grumpy?” try, “Uh oh, looks like Miss Frustration is visiting again! What can we do to send her away?”
This strategy helps your child see frustration as something temporary they can overcome, not something defining them.
For older kids, you’ll find in the infographic below 12 helpful phrases to say to your child when they struggle with frustration:
3. Consider a slower schedule for your child
If you feel that you’ve tried everything, but your child is continually on edge, perhaps something needs to change in their life. They may need a slower schedule and more quiet time throughout the day. Spending more time in nature and having fewer after-school activities can also help children who struggle with overstimulation.
Dealing with less overall stress can help sensitive kids cope better with frustration.
Remember, you’ve got this!
