Kids can be their own worst critics. This is particularly true for deeply feeling children, or for children who have anxiety, ADHD or autism, who may be especially harsh on themselves. They can get stuck in negative thinking patterns that lead to outbursts and that make painful emotions feel overwhelming.
For example, if your daughter played alone at recess, she may decide that she doesn’t have any friends and that nobody likes her. If she struggles with subtraction by regrouping, she may insist that she is not good at math and that she hates it.
Everyone has negative thoughts. Talking ourselves down isn’t unusual. However, negative thoughts that make us miss out on opportunities, can lead to anxiety and depression.
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What Are Negative Thinking Patterns?
We all have negative thoughts sometimes, even kids. But when these thoughts become frequent, intense, and start to impact their daily lives, we’re talking about negative thinking patterns. These patterns can be like stuck records, influencing how kids see themselves, the world, and their future.
What Are Some Signs That Your Child Has Negative Thinking Patterns?
Typical signs of negative thinking include a negative outlook, excessive worry, self-criticism, and constant focus on flaws or mistakes (the child’s or other people’s).
How Negative Thinking Patterns Influence Emotions and Behavior
Negative Thinking patterns can fuel negative emotions: we believe our negative thoughts and then we react with anger, fear or sadness. These emotions reinfornce, in turn, the negative thoughts, creating a vicious cycle.
Moreover, negative thinking prophecies fuel self-fulfilling prophecies. When a child with a negative mindset believes something bad is going to happen, they may do nothing to prevent it, which makes the thing they fear happen. In other words, they self-sabotage themselves by doing things that confirm their negative beliefs, instead of doing their best.
Negativity can also strain your child’s relationships with friends, family and teachers, and can chip away their self-confidence.
How Do Negative Thinking Patterns Develop?
Some kids might be more likely to have negative thought patterns just because of their genes. This doesn’t mean it’s set in stone!
Tough experiences like neglect, abuse, or scary things can also make them feel worried and see the world negatively.
As they learn and grow, some children might go through bad experiences that make them think negatively about themselves or things around them.
In addition, seeing adults or friends struggle with negative thoughts, low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression can make them develop a negative outlook. That can happen, for example, when children are highly sensitive and they absorb other people’s emotions like a sponge.
Moreover, kids who are highly sensitive might worry more because they have strong emotions and process information more deeply. That can make them get stuck in negative thoughts more easily.
Negative thinking patterns also develop when children are comparing themselves to others, especially with peers who are popular on social networks or with people on TV. That can make them feel bad about themselves.
10 Types Of Negative Thinking Patterns In Children
- All-or-nothing thinking: Viewing situations as either completely good or completely bad, with no room for shades of gray. Example: “I got one question wrong on the test, so I’m a terrible student.”
- Overgeneralization: Drawing sweeping conclusions based on one or few negative experiences. Example: “I lost the game, so I’m always going to lose at everything.”
- Mental filtering: Focusing only on negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive ones. Example: “My friend didn’t invite me to her party, so nobody likes me.”
- Disqualifying the positive: Rejecting positive experiences or compliments due to negative self-belief. Example: “My teacher said I did well, but she’s probably just trying to be nice.”
- Catastrophizing: Jumping to the worst-case scenario without evidence. Example: “If I don’t make the soccer team, I’ll have no friends and everyone will think I’m a loser.”
- Mind reading: Assuming that they know what others are thinking without any evidence, often in a negative way. Example: “My mom is looking at me funny, she must be mad at me.”
- Emotional reasoning: Believing that your feelings accurately reflect reality. Example: “I feel stupid, therefore I must be stupid.”
- Labelling: Placing negative labels on themselves or others based on a single event or characteristic. Example: “I’m such a failure” or “They’re mean.”
- Should Statements: Holding rigid expectations for themselves and others, leading to guilt and frustration when they’re not met. Example: “I should be able to do this perfectly.”
- Personalization: Taking responsibility for negative events even when they have little or no control. Example: “It’s my fault my friend is upset.”
How to Help Your Child Overcome Negative Thinking Patterns
1. Be A Detective
First, listen actively to their worries and concerns. Ask questions to understand their perspective and validate their feelings. Don’t dismiss them as “silly” or “unimportant.” Instead, be a detective, helping them identify the root of the negative thought. Is it fear of failure, worry about fitting in, or something else?
2. Gently Challenge Your Child’s Negative Thinking Patterns
Once you understand the thought, gently challenge it. Ask them if it’s always true. Are there other ways to look at the situation? Encourage them to use evidence to support their thinking. For example, if they say they’re “bad at math,” remind them of times they grasped a concept or solved a problem.
3. Help Your Child See Themselves As Separate From Their Thoughts
A great way to help your child overcome negative thinking patterns is to give names to the kinds of negative thoughts your child has. This is a way to show the child that they can push these thoughts away.
For example, if your child is prone to personalization (feeling responsible when something bad happens), have your child name this kind of thoughts (for example, Fault Thoughts). Then you can say, “Sounds like Mr. Fault Thoughts is making you feel worried. We don’t have to listen to Mr. Fault Thoughts. We can tell Mr. Fault Thoughts that they are wrong.”
4. Reframe Negative Thoughts Into More Positive Ones
After identifying the negative thoughts and talking about whether they are true or not, you can now help your child reframe negative thoughts into positive ones. Talk about events that led to negative thoughts and then reframe it by saying something positive (“Ugh, you didn’t get to choose the movie today. But you can pick one next time” or “It wasn’t your turn to pick the movie tonight, but you got to choose the snack.”)
Another option is to turn “should” into “can do”. Instead of “I should be able to do this easily” teach your child to say, “”This is challenging, but I can put in the effort and learn to do it.”.
Adding perspective always helps, too. Instead of: “I’m the unluckiest person in the world”, teach your child to put things into perspective, “Maybe today isn’t going my way, but tomorrow will be a brighter day.”
5. Encourage Positive Self-talk
Positive self-talk can boost your child’s confidence which, in turn, can help them develop a more positive outlook.
Instead of “I’ll never be good at this,” try “I’m learning and getting better every day.” Positive affirmations like “I am smart,” “I am capable,” and “I believe in myself” can also be powerful tools.
6. Equip Your Child With Tools To Overcome Their Negative Thinking Patterns
Teach them coping mechanisms to manage negative thoughts. Mindfulness exercises like deep breathing or focusing on the present moment can calm their minds. Creative outlets like drawing, writing, or playing music can help them express their emotions and release tension.
7. Celebrate Progress
Acknowledge and celebrate their efforts, not just their results. Did they overcome a fear? Did they try a new approach? Let them know you’re proud of their progress, no matter how small. This boosts their confidence and encourages them to keep trying.
8. Encourage Healthy Friendships And Be Supportive
Spending time with friends triggers the release of oxytocin, also called the “love hormone”. Oxytocin has been shown to calm down the nervous system and reduces negative thoughts. Similarly, a supportive family, where the child feels free of judgment and criticism, helps reduce negative thought patterns and boosts self-confidence.
