Have you ever felt like your 6-year-old is going through a re-enactment of the “terrible twos?” Whining, screaming, disrespect, outright refusal, meltdowns. It’s like you’re back to the days of constant battles and negotiations.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. It’s actually pretty common for kids to experience a surge in emotional intensity around this age. Around 5.5-7 years old, children begin to lose some of the early childhood magic and can understand more and question more what happens around them. While up to 5-6 years old, they discover the world mainly by exploring, and through their senses, now they also start to focus on feelings, theirs and others. They begin to develop compassion, and at the same time, they are more sensitive to others’ words. They also discover they have power: they can experiment with manipulation, exclusion, and inappropriate or goofy behavior.
All in all, you will feel them separating from yourself as their sense of self develops. This stage of development brings a new round of limit-testing and boundary renegotiation. You’ll need to keep your empathy and compassion as your child tries things out to find their way.
So, how can we help our sensitive six-year-olds navigate these stormy emotional waters? Well, that’s what we’re going to talk about today.
Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Anger Wheel printable for FREE. This printable can give your child eight simple coping tools to cope with anger safely, without hurting themselves or others. You can print it as a poster and hang it in your child’s room or in your classroom if you’re a teacher.
Are tantrums normal in 6-year-olds normal?
Temper tantrums can be developmentally appropriate for 6-year-olds. Your child’s brain is still developing, and we can’t expect them always to be able to remain calm when having strong emotions. That isn’t easy, even for adults!
When assessing whether your 6-year-old’s tantrums are normal, think about:
- How do tantrums manifest? A tantrum at home once a week is different from a tantrum at school, which ends in getting a call from the principal. Also, a tantrum where the child stomps their feet is less problematic than one where the child acts aggressively.
- Does the child self-harm, or is the aggression directed towards others? According to this longitudinal study, tantrums involving self-harm are more likely to predict mental disorders later in life.
- How long does the tantrum last? According to this study on 3-5-year-old children, tantrums lasting more than 25 minutes may indicate a more serious issue.
- Has the frequency and duration of tantrums increased with age?
- Can the child gradually soothe themselves, or do they stop out of exhaustion?
- Does the tantrum have no apparent trigger? Have you excluded sleep, sensory overload, and hunger?
Some kids also experience a sort of throwback to the tantrum stage when they’re older, around 6 or 7 years old. This happens especially if they didn’t get to express their feelings freely when they were younger. It’s like they’re trying to catch up on all the emotions they couldn’t express before. That can happen to highly sensitive children, who may take the role of “good” kids when parents are stressed, when a new sibling arrives, or when they have louder siblings.
Sensitive kids may take the role of “good” kids due to their profound need to feel emotionally connected with others. This need can be so deep that they will ignore their true self to gain some form of love and connection.
However, even sensitive children reach a point where they’ve had enough and eventually burst into tantrums.
6-Year-Old Tantrums: Highly Sensitive Children
Highly sensitive kids may have more outbursts than their peers, especially around people they feel safe with. They have low frustration tolerance and are also extra sensitive to perceived rejection so they may throw more tantrums.
In addition, they tend to be more inflexible or have a strong sense of fairness, which can also trigger explosive behavior (“He cheated, so I bit him to make him stop! He started it. So why do I get punished? It’s not fair!”).
Sensitively wired kids go deep and need time to process what happened and how they feel, so they may take longer to bounce back. Some children have an easier time letting it go and moving on, but it’s not so for deep feelers. Every experience leaves a mark in the form of thoughts, emotions, and memories. As a result, your child may seem to throw tantrums out of nowhere, but their outbursts may be related to negative past experiences that have left behind traces.
Sensitive kids can also be very strong-willed during a tantrum. They may seem non-compliant and assertive and often don’t like being told what to do. Due to their determination, your 6-year-old’s tantrums may last longer than those of other kids who move on more quickly.
In addition, they often see things from a different angle. And if you have a neurotypical way of thinking, it may be hard for you to understand their perspective, so you may react in a way that invalidates their experience.
Highly sensitive children also experience the world in a unique way. When sensitive kids feel overwhelmed by their environment (when the lights, touch, and taste are too much), you might see tantrums, emotional shutting down, or physical discomfort (read more here about somatization).
Here’s an example of how a highly sensitive six-year-old may experience a tantrum:
Lilly, a sensitive six-year-old, was playing cards with her four-year-old brother, Billy, in the living room. Billy, who had recently discovered how to play cards, was getting bored and started to sort the cards by color during the game. Lilly asked him to stop because he was ruining the game, but he didn’t. Lilly got frustrated and threw the cards down on the floor. Billy started to cry and called her stupid. Lilly got even more upset and hit him. Their mother came into the room and saw what was happening. She was visibly upset with Lilly’s behavior.
Here’s what Lilly might be experiencing during this tantrum:
- She was frustrated by her brother’s behavior.
- The little girl felt a deep sense of shame for hurting her brother.
- She felt that her mother was unfair, and she felt rejected as a result.
- Lilly was overwhelmed by her mother’s anger at her.
Here’s how other children in Lilly’s situation might have reacted during his tantrum:
- Fight stress response: hit younger brother
- Flight: be so full of shame and frustration that they run away; being high-energy or anxious afterward due to the pent-up energy.
- Freeze: unable to listen to what mother has to say because they feel overwhelmed with emotion; seeming to have low energy, shut down.
- Fawn: over-apologizing when the parent is upset.
In our example, Lilly’s brother could calm down and continue playing soon after the incident. But Lilly needed extra time and space to decompress and process what happened. She was restless for the rest of the day. Like many others, this outburst made Lilly feel like she was different, and that’s why her parents treated her differently from her brother.
Here’s another example of what this can look like:
Ava is a sensitive and strong-willed 6-year-old. When her mom tells her, “We need to leave for school in five minutes. Why aren’t you ready yet? I gave you two reminders.” Now, mom is rushing Ava through the morning routine, and Ava feels a loss of control and intense discomfort when faced with her mom’s expectations. This feeling is incredibly threatening for her.
Here’s what Ava might be thinking:
- “I don’t like being rushed.”
- “My mom acts like I cannot get ready on my own.”
- “I just wanted to play on my own, my way, without anyone interrupting me.”
Here’s what Ava might do during her tantrum: she might feel so overwhelmed that the logical part of the brain, including the executive functioning, stops working. As a result, she might not be able to find her clothes or zip up her jacket. That might make her spiral into hopelessness and start crying. Or she might begin to kick and scream, “I’m not getting dressed.” However, this behavior is not a sign of defiance; instead, it shows Ava’s need to manage the anxiety that her mom’s demands create.
6-Year-Old Tantrums: 4 Ways To Manage Big Emotions
1. Nurture The Relationship With Your 6-Year-Old
A strong emotional bond with their primary caregiver is paramount for sensitive or strong-willed children. Here are a few simple ways to nurture this connection:
Spend one-on-one time doing something of their choice! Set aside time to do things your child loves, like listening to their favorite music, creating art together, or playing pretend games.
Make repairs. Highly sensitive children may find it hard to move on from arguments. Make sure to talk it out and apologize. This helps them feel like you still love and care about them, even when you’re mad.
2. Let Your Child Figure Things Out For Themselves
Have you ever noticed how your child lights up when they figure out something for themselves? That’s because it’s not just about getting the task done; it’s also about feeling empowered. Knowing how to solve problems themselves helps kids become more confident and resilient.
So, instead of telling your child what to do, step back and see if you can encourage them to come up with the next step themselves. Here are some examples:
- Imagine your child is playing with their toys, and you ask them to put the toys away. Instead of telling them how to do it, ask, “What do you think is the best way to put away your toys?”
- Your child is having trouble getting dressed for school. Instead of telling them which clothes to wear, you could try, “What do you think would look great for school today? The red blouse or the green one?”
3. Validate Your Child’s Big Feelings
It’s common for parents to try to suppress tantrums because they can be distressing. This can inadvertently make children feel misunderstood and invalidated.
For example, if your sensitive child hits their little brother, your first reaction might be to focus on the behavior and put feelings in second place. Instead, acknowledging that the kids’ emotions are real before discussing behavior choices can be very powerful.
For example, if your sensitive child hits their little brother, your first reaction might be to focus on the behavior and put feelings in second place. Instead, acknowledging that the kids’ emotions are real before discussing behavior choices can be very powerful.
- “Your brother messed up your game of cards. I hear you. I hate it, too, when someone doesn’t follow the rules. I wonder what would help?”
- “You really don’t like being rushed. Hectic mornings are the worst. I wonder what we can do to avoid being in a rush. What do you think?”
4. Set Consistent Boundaries
Sensitive and strong-willed children need to feel in control but also a sturdy leader to guide them when their emotions are overwhelming. They need someone who wants to know their feelings and listen without judgment.
For example, your strong-willed six-year-old wants to co-sleep. While you love snuggling with your child, you can’t have any rest when you sleep with them. You can set a boundary that you co-sleep on weekends if your child sleeps in their bed Monday through Friday.
Let’s take another example: Your six-year-old has after-school meltdowns. You know they are overstimulated and need to let their big feelings out, but they don’t like it when they say something hurtful or hit you. Using your warmest voice, you validate their feelings and inform them you are helping them keep their hands to themselves. Alternatively, you take a deep breath (which helps you calm down and also with modeling behavior) and let them know that you are leaving the room for five minutes each time they say hurtful words to you.
6-Year-Old Tantrums: Take-Home Message
Sensitive, strong-willed children are good. They don’t want to drain our energy, and they don’t arrive in this world intending to test our limits. That’s why it’s crucial to remember that they aren’t trying to give us a hard time. They are having a hard time.
