If you’re a parent who has spent time on TikTok, you might have come across the term “eggshell parenting.” In this post, we’ll delve into what eggshell parenting is, its impact on sensitive and neurodivergent kids, and how to break free from its harmful patterns.
Parenting is a roller coaster of emotions, that’s for sure. One minute, you’re pulling your hair out, trying to get your kids out the door, and the next, you’re cracking up at their hilarious antics. But some parents take this emotional rollercoaster to another level, bursting into tears during a hug, showering their kids with praise for good grades, and then flipping out over a messy room the same day.
Many parents don’t realize that their parenting style makes their kids feel like they’re walking on eggshells. They don’t deliberately choose to be this way; it’s just their natural inclination. Eggshell parenting often stems from their upbringing and unresolved issues, causing them to react emotionally rather than respond thoughtfully.
Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our “Things To Remember” Poster. This poster can help your child build a positive mindset and boost their self-confidence. You can hang it in your calm corner, classroom or therapy office.
What is eggshell parenting?
Eggshell parenting is when a parent’s unstable moods and outbursts make a child feel constantly on guard to avoid triggering their parent’s emotions. This creates a tense and insecure environment where kids feel like they’re walking on eggshells.
Eggshell parents are unpredictable and have a push-pull attachment style. They can go from being happy and cheerful to explosively angry in a matter of seconds, sometimes even in front of the kids. Moreover, they are conditionally supportive and loving, making children hypervigilant and highly sensitive to criticism and rejection.
The eggshell parenting style can be harmful for deep-feeling kids or neurodivergent kids (for instance, many children with ADHD are highly sensitive to perceived rejection).
Learning to manage your emotions as a parent takes lots of practice, but the rewards are immense.
What kind of parents are more likely to become eggshell parents?
Parents struggling with mental health challenges are more prone to eggshell parenting. Mental health issues like severe anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder can make it hard for parents to manage their emotions, which can affect their kids. Personality disorders like narcissism or borderline traits can also have a similar impact. These health issues can make it challenging for parents to respond calmly to everyday situations and demands, especially when they’re already feeling overwhelmed.
In addition, parents who have been through challenging experiences, are dealing with substance abuse issues, or grew up in households with eggshell parenting are more likely to adopt similar patterns.
Related: 8 Secrets for Surviving When You’re a Highly Sensitive Parent
Eggshell parenting versus occasional angry outbursts
Everyone messes up sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you’re an eggshell parent. The difference lies in the child’s constant exposure to the parent’s volatile emotions. These erratic patterns are the norm in an eggshell parenting environment, not isolated incidents.
How does eggshell parenting affect highly sensitive children and neurodivergent children?
Eggshell parenting may have severe consequences for the emotional well-being of sensitively wired children, neurodivergent or not. Here are some of the key effects:
- Hypervigilance. The constant uncertainty about their parents’ reactions forces deep-feeling kids to be on high alert, constantly scanning the environment for threats. This state of alertness can lead to constant hypervigilance, which, in turn, causes emotional meltdowns or shutdowns.
- Sensitivity to criticism and rejection. Sensitively wired children often struggle with emotional regulation, and due to how their brain is wired, they are extra sensitive to rejection and criticism. That’s why eggshell parenting can have a devastating effect on their self-esteem.
- Suppressed feelings. To avoid triggering their parents’ mood swings, kids may bury their own emotions. Bottling up feelings can hinder their ability to identify, express, and manage their emotions effectively. Ultimately, it can lead to emotional meltdowns or shutdowns.
- Deep-seated insecurity. Unpredictable parents can create a deep sense of insecurity in children, especially highly sensitive and neurodivergent ones, who are extra sensitive to rejection. They may question their self-worth and doubt their ability to please their parents, leading to low self-esteem and a fragile emotional foundation.
- Lack of independence. Eggshell parenting often involves excessive control, hindering kids’ development of independence and self-reliance. The constant need to appease their parents can prevent them from taking initiative, solving problems, and making decisions for themselves.
- Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Kids who grow up in a home where their parents are emotionally volatile are more likely to develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). This is because they constantly have to deal with the emotional turmoil of their parents. C-PTSD can come with a range of symptoms, such as anger, resentment, and distrust towards others, as kids may fear developing similar unhealthy relationships in their own lives.
How do you break out of eggshell parenting?
If this sounds like your parenting style, or if you recognize these behaviors in your partner, know that you’re not alone. Many of us were raised by eggshell parents and don’t want history to repeat itself. Fortunately, there are several ways to break the cycle:
1. Work on your emotional self-awareness
The first step is to recognize the signs and acknowledge that it’s not healthy. One way to see if you’re an eggshell parent is to ask yourself questions like:
- “Have I ever been told I’m unpredictable or difficult to be around?
- “Do I struggle to maintain a consistent mood or tone of voice when something doesn’t meet my expectations?”
- “When something happens, even relatively minor, do people worry about how you will react?”
- “Do I struggle to maintain a consistent mood or tone of voice with my children?”
- “How often do I lash out in anger or frustration, on average per day?”
- “Have I ever lost or damaged relationships due to my unpredictable or volatile behavior?”
- “Did I feel like I had to tread carefully around my parents, afraid of saying or doing anything that might set them off?”
- “Did I develop low self-esteem or a sense of insecurity, feeling like I was never good enough?”
- “Did I struggle to form healthy relationships with others, afraid of being hurt or rejected? “
- “Did I develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse or emotional detachment, to deal with the emotional turmoil of my childhood? “
- “Do I still feel the effects of eggshell parenting in my adult life, even if I no longer live with my parents?”
2. Own your mistakes and make repairs
When you’ve acted in a way that has upset or hurt your child, take responsibility for your actions and make repairs. Show them that you understand that you hurt their feelings. You may also want to explain that all emotions are welcome and valid, but not all behaviors are okay.
Here are some specific examples of how to own your mistakes and make repairs with young children:
- After yelling at your child for dropping their toys, acknowledge your outburst and apologize. Explain that you were angry but that it was not okay to raise your voice. Explain how you’ll try to handle the situation differently in the future.
- If you’ve been impatient with your child’s questions or requests, apologize. Explain that you value their questions and want to be patient but that sometimes you get frustrated.
Try to be consistent in your efforts to manage your emotions and make amends with your child. Over time, your child will see that you are doing your best.
3. Practice mindfulness and breathing techniques
Incorporating mindfulness and deep breathing techniques into your daily routine can significantly reduce emotional volatility and help you manage anger effectively. Here are some practical strategies for integrating these practices into your life:
- Start small: Don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to practice for long periods initially. Begin with 5-10 minute sessions, gradually increasing the duration.
- Find a quiet space: Dedicate a specific time and place for your mindfulness or deep breathing practice. This could be a quiet corner in your home, a park bench, or even your car before heading to work.
- Observe your thoughts without judgment: As thoughts arise, simply accept them without getting caught up in them. Treat them as passing clouds in the sky.
- Practice deep breathing exercises: Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose, filling your abdomen. Exhale slowly through your mouth.
- Practice guided meditation: Utilize guided meditation apps or recordings to guide you through mindfulness exercises. These can provide a structured approach and help you stay focused.
- Engage in mindful activities: Incorporate mindfulness into everyday activities like walking, showering, or brushing your teeth. Focus on the sensations and details of the task at hand.
- Recognize your triggers: Identify the situations, people, or emotions that often trigger your emotional reactivity. This awareness can help you anticipate and prepare for potential outbursts.
- Step away when needed: Take a break to disengage from the situation when your emotions escalate. Step away from the person or activity that triggered you and go to a quiet place to calm down.
You can practice mindfulness and deep breathing together with your child as a way to spend quality time together and strengthen your connection. If you’re not sure where to start, have a look at our Deep Breathing Exercises. You can print them as cards and add them to your child’s coping skills toolbox, or you can print them as posters and hang them in your room or calm corner. Have a look:
Another great way to rebuild your connection and also relax your mind is yoga. There are lots of yoga poses out there. You can start by checking out our Kids Yoga Cards or our Kids Yoga Poster:
4. Consider therapy to break out of eggshell parenting
Therapy can help you build self-compassion and let go of the shame that comes with becoming aware of the eggshell behavior.
Therapy, particularly Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), can be highly effective in helping people struggling with intense negative emotions. ‘Dialectical’ means understanding how two opposite things could be true. For example, accepting yourself and changing your behavior might feel contradictory. But DBT teaches that you can achieve both these goals together.
Take-Home Message
Parenting can be a rollercoaster of emotions, and sometimes, we all lose our cool. But it’s important to remember that our kids are watching and soaking up everything we do and say. If you lose your calm too often, it’s your duty to learn healthy coping mechanisms to manage your emotions. Your future self and your child will thank you. With a little effort, we can break the cycle of emotional harm and build stronger, healthier relationships with our kids.
